Felt guilty for breakup, now feeling guilty for not leaving sooner?
January 25, 2018 5:34 PM Subscribe
Have you ever looked back at a relationship and wondered what on earth you were thinking? I've gone from feeling terrible about the breakup to feeling terrible for staying so long.
My ex and I had some really great times. And when this crap wasn't going on, he was very supportive, happy, kind, loving. We'd talk for hours every day, spend whole days together lounging around and enjoying each other's company. He was there when I needed him. I think we could have been a good match if only he could just see this issue, understand that one, get rid of the toxic ex-wife, believe in himself. There was light at the end of that tunnel. I wanted to believe it. Until I saw the messages and I couldn't afford to anymore. I still miss him dearly and think he's a great person underneath all of that stuff. But he just had his own things to deal with, and those things destroyed our relationship. I think I'd date him again later on, if he'd taken the time to work through it all and could be honest with (himself and) me about it. But as it stands now, there's no moving forward.
What finally killed the relationship was finding out that he was still texting his ex wife behind my back, and those texts had turned romantic. He denied it all the way up until I showed him the messages. He wrote her saying he didn't want to speak to her anymore, but by then it was too late. I couldn't stay.
But now that I've had some space to think, I've noticed other issues from the very start of the relationship. The very first orange flag was when he met my family. His family is very emotionally open and touchy feely and welcoming; mine is the opposite. We're a family of introverts. Cats, basically. So he meets my brother, and brother acknowledges him, but doesn't make much conversation. He meets my dad, dad acknowledges him, but doesn't make conversation. So we go out and hit the furniture store on an errand (we don't and didn't live together), and sit down on one of those staged bedroom sets and he says "y'know...if we move in together and get our own place..." And I'm all excited because he's talking about our future, and he finishes with "...do you think they'd still act like that towards me?" I explained that that's how they are with everyone, and they didn't mean to offend, and it just kind of turned into "yeah, we'll get our own place, and then they'll see." It was odd but I didn't think much of it at the time.
Or other exchanges like if I were upset at something he did (usually involving the ex), he'd say something like "I'm sorry and I understand. Actually it probably hurts me more because I hate to see you like this." He'd later go on to do it several more times.
Or noticing all of these throwaway accounts I'd set up, asking questions about our relationship three, four, five months in. In hindsight it seems crazy but at the time, I didn't look at it as being a "short" relationship. I had already been drawn into the drama with his ex after he called, freaking out about how his ex was planning to destroy our relationship, and he was going to cut her off...and then didn't.
Or his temper tantrums. They'd gotten way better with time, but I remember one instance in which he wanted to invite a friend on one of our dates, and I felt like three was a crowd and that I was being ditched as soon as this other person decided they had plans. He got defensive about it, I said "okay" and he went off via text saying "all you have to say is okay? I work hard all week so we can spend time together and that's all you have to say?" I confronted him about it and he apologized.
Another time I got bad news from the hospital and wanted to talk about it. He made a remark about how I didn't want surgery because I'd "never be the same." I said I didn't want to hear that since that might be my only option. Cue the silent treatment. I confronted him about it and he cursed me out via text about how he was tired from working over night and taking his father for a doctor's visit and he didn't have time for me and my problems.
Another time was really intense, where I asked him to stop making rape jokes during a group conversation and he cut his mic off, leaving me to explain why he'd suddenly gone missing, all the while texting me "don't act like you don't know what's going on," and then deciding he didn't feel comfortable coming over to have the dinner I'd already cooked for him. He then said he didn't cut off his mic and was talking to a sick friend so sorry if he couldn't answer.
The temper tantrums cooled off, but he'd still be really defensive about whether he was talking to his ex and be upset at me for ruining the day/night/date by bringing up stress. But then if I didn't say anything, he said I was keeping secrets. If I showed him evidence, he'd get angry that I'd gone through his things and later apologize but do better at hiding it. Gaslighting. A lot of gaslighting.
I had broken up with him because I had caught him emotionally cheating with his ex-wife after about a year and a half of gaslighting and swearing it wasn't happening. He said he'd do anything to get us back together, and this non-refundable concert we'd booked months prior, while inadvertent, could be his next step toward regaining my trust. We had a great time and went out for dinner, and when the check came, he took it, turned it toward himself, put his card down and watched me for a while before paying the bill himself. When we got outside, he said "so how does this situation work, because if we're not together, I don't think I should be paying for your food. It's one thing if we were together, but there's certain privileges you don't get anymore." I felt badly of course--I misread the situation and should have offered to split it. I apologized and went directly to the bank to pull out my half of the tab. Then he says "no it's okay, it's fine." I said "no, I feel bad, here's my half." He said it wasn't about the money and eventually tucked the money back into my pocket.
He shouldn't have to pay for my food, and I had my own cash, but the way he went about it rubbed me wrong...
When I got out of my last toxic relationship, I took the time to be single. I went out, did things for myself, built up my self esteem. Took years off the dating scene. Specifically listed a lot of this stuff as dealbreakers. So why did it take me so long to see it?
My ex and I had some really great times. And when this crap wasn't going on, he was very supportive, happy, kind, loving. We'd talk for hours every day, spend whole days together lounging around and enjoying each other's company. He was there when I needed him. I think we could have been a good match if only he could just see this issue, understand that one, get rid of the toxic ex-wife, believe in himself. There was light at the end of that tunnel. I wanted to believe it. Until I saw the messages and I couldn't afford to anymore. I still miss him dearly and think he's a great person underneath all of that stuff. But he just had his own things to deal with, and those things destroyed our relationship. I think I'd date him again later on, if he'd taken the time to work through it all and could be honest with (himself and) me about it. But as it stands now, there's no moving forward.
What finally killed the relationship was finding out that he was still texting his ex wife behind my back, and those texts had turned romantic. He denied it all the way up until I showed him the messages. He wrote her saying he didn't want to speak to her anymore, but by then it was too late. I couldn't stay.
But now that I've had some space to think, I've noticed other issues from the very start of the relationship. The very first orange flag was when he met my family. His family is very emotionally open and touchy feely and welcoming; mine is the opposite. We're a family of introverts. Cats, basically. So he meets my brother, and brother acknowledges him, but doesn't make much conversation. He meets my dad, dad acknowledges him, but doesn't make conversation. So we go out and hit the furniture store on an errand (we don't and didn't live together), and sit down on one of those staged bedroom sets and he says "y'know...if we move in together and get our own place..." And I'm all excited because he's talking about our future, and he finishes with "...do you think they'd still act like that towards me?" I explained that that's how they are with everyone, and they didn't mean to offend, and it just kind of turned into "yeah, we'll get our own place, and then they'll see." It was odd but I didn't think much of it at the time.
Or other exchanges like if I were upset at something he did (usually involving the ex), he'd say something like "I'm sorry and I understand. Actually it probably hurts me more because I hate to see you like this." He'd later go on to do it several more times.
Or noticing all of these throwaway accounts I'd set up, asking questions about our relationship three, four, five months in. In hindsight it seems crazy but at the time, I didn't look at it as being a "short" relationship. I had already been drawn into the drama with his ex after he called, freaking out about how his ex was planning to destroy our relationship, and he was going to cut her off...and then didn't.
Or his temper tantrums. They'd gotten way better with time, but I remember one instance in which he wanted to invite a friend on one of our dates, and I felt like three was a crowd and that I was being ditched as soon as this other person decided they had plans. He got defensive about it, I said "okay" and he went off via text saying "all you have to say is okay? I work hard all week so we can spend time together and that's all you have to say?" I confronted him about it and he apologized.
Another time I got bad news from the hospital and wanted to talk about it. He made a remark about how I didn't want surgery because I'd "never be the same." I said I didn't want to hear that since that might be my only option. Cue the silent treatment. I confronted him about it and he cursed me out via text about how he was tired from working over night and taking his father for a doctor's visit and he didn't have time for me and my problems.
Another time was really intense, where I asked him to stop making rape jokes during a group conversation and he cut his mic off, leaving me to explain why he'd suddenly gone missing, all the while texting me "don't act like you don't know what's going on," and then deciding he didn't feel comfortable coming over to have the dinner I'd already cooked for him. He then said he didn't cut off his mic and was talking to a sick friend so sorry if he couldn't answer.
The temper tantrums cooled off, but he'd still be really defensive about whether he was talking to his ex and be upset at me for ruining the day/night/date by bringing up stress. But then if I didn't say anything, he said I was keeping secrets. If I showed him evidence, he'd get angry that I'd gone through his things and later apologize but do better at hiding it. Gaslighting. A lot of gaslighting.
I had broken up with him because I had caught him emotionally cheating with his ex-wife after about a year and a half of gaslighting and swearing it wasn't happening. He said he'd do anything to get us back together, and this non-refundable concert we'd booked months prior, while inadvertent, could be his next step toward regaining my trust. We had a great time and went out for dinner, and when the check came, he took it, turned it toward himself, put his card down and watched me for a while before paying the bill himself. When we got outside, he said "so how does this situation work, because if we're not together, I don't think I should be paying for your food. It's one thing if we were together, but there's certain privileges you don't get anymore." I felt badly of course--I misread the situation and should have offered to split it. I apologized and went directly to the bank to pull out my half of the tab. Then he says "no it's okay, it's fine." I said "no, I feel bad, here's my half." He said it wasn't about the money and eventually tucked the money back into my pocket.
He shouldn't have to pay for my food, and I had my own cash, but the way he went about it rubbed me wrong...
When I got out of my last toxic relationship, I took the time to be single. I went out, did things for myself, built up my self esteem. Took years off the dating scene. Specifically listed a lot of this stuff as dealbreakers. So why did it take me so long to see it?
This post was deleted for the following reason: This is a little too broad to be answered in any meaningful way here - AskMe is not a good fit for processing exercises. -- restless_nomad
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