Leaving a toxic living situation
January 4, 2018 12:23 PM
I'm currently living with toxic family members and need to leave. I'm looking for rentals at the moment. When toxic family members find out I'm moving out into a rental, there is going to be a lot of drama and anguish. How do I best get out of this situation and into my new place with the least amount of stress?
Don't tell anyone anything until the last possible moment, or even after that if you can. If you do have to tell someone (I mean, realistically, you'll probably have to tell someone) swear them to secrecy as best you can and make it extremely clear how hard things will be for you if they reveal anything. The problem is a lot of nice, otherwise trustworthy people -- esp. ones who don't have the blessing of toxic family members -- have a "well it's family" mentality about this stuff and if your family gets in touch with them they can be cajoled/guilted/threatened into revealing information. Try to have as clear judgment about this as possible and weigh your options strictly on how likely the person you tell is to blab. It's a matter of personality: not everyone can or will keep quiet. Maybe this means you can't tell someone you really want to but take care of what you need to do (get safe) before the things you want to do (tell your friend or whomever that you're moving.)
Basically until you are in a position where you can lock your front door (on which you preferably installed your own lock) on your family, no one who is in communication with them or anyone they can reach out to should have the faintest idea you're planning on moving.
posted by griphus at 12:39 PM on January 4, 2018
Basically until you are in a position where you can lock your front door (on which you preferably installed your own lock) on your family, no one who is in communication with them or anyone they can reach out to should have the faintest idea you're planning on moving.
posted by griphus at 12:39 PM on January 4, 2018
I don't know what your schedule is like, but David Celani has a well-reviewed book about leaving toxic families.
posted by craniac at 12:41 PM on January 4, 2018
posted by craniac at 12:41 PM on January 4, 2018
Good for you for taking action on this. Toxic living situations can be so demoralizing!
You can't control other people's reactions, but you can minimize the drama by creating as little stir as possible until you are ready to move All the Things and take up residence in your new spot.
Start packing up your belongings, but quietly. If you have a trusted friend's house or other place you can store essentials, put together a 'first week kit' of all the things you'll need to get through your day. This may mean buying some pots and pans or silverware, etc.
Once you have the keys to your new place (yay!) move over your first week kit. Then the very next day, move over all your stuff. Do not do this gradually, have a friend(s) help if possible to get it done quickly. Hopefully you can do this when you have the house to yourself but if not, DO NOT engage with anyone who wants to argue, demand explanations, or otherwise distract you from the task at hand. Say "I'm sorry, I'm really busy right now, I can't talk about this with you at the moment." Don't make promised to 'talk later'. Get your things and leave. You can make decisions about how to resume contact with your family later, when you're settled.
Best of luck!!!
posted by ananci at 12:41 PM on January 4, 2018
You can't control other people's reactions, but you can minimize the drama by creating as little stir as possible until you are ready to move All the Things and take up residence in your new spot.
Start packing up your belongings, but quietly. If you have a trusted friend's house or other place you can store essentials, put together a 'first week kit' of all the things you'll need to get through your day. This may mean buying some pots and pans or silverware, etc.
Once you have the keys to your new place (yay!) move over your first week kit. Then the very next day, move over all your stuff. Do not do this gradually, have a friend(s) help if possible to get it done quickly. Hopefully you can do this when you have the house to yourself but if not, DO NOT engage with anyone who wants to argue, demand explanations, or otherwise distract you from the task at hand. Say "I'm sorry, I'm really busy right now, I can't talk about this with you at the moment." Don't make promised to 'talk later'. Get your things and leave. You can make decisions about how to resume contact with your family later, when you're settled.
Best of luck!!!
posted by ananci at 12:41 PM on January 4, 2018
First of all, get the other stuff you need to make your new place work. Put it in place in your new place. Find your happy place every time you walk in the door. Make sure your new place has privacy from your old place, time and distance maybe limited access. After you make your move don't allow the old dysfunction. Get your place, then while people are away put your bed there, or get a cheap inflatable to use a couple of days at a time. Don't get caught in the middle. Put your heart, mind, and safety, there.
posted by Oyéah at 12:43 PM on January 4, 2018
posted by Oyéah at 12:43 PM on January 4, 2018
Enlist the help and support of friends to assist you in the move, as well as the overall transition. If you have other people with you when you're moving, your family members will probably be less likely to pick a fight. Also, this is a situation where having people around who are concerned about your well-being will help with the emotional stress. Best to you.
posted by strelitzia at 1:04 PM on January 4, 2018
posted by strelitzia at 1:04 PM on January 4, 2018
+1 Griphus.
Line up friends or movers once you know your move-in date so that the physical move-out process can be as fast as possible.
If you are on a lease and are required by law or basic civility to provide advance notice, then do that once you know your move-in date. If you don't have any set arrangement, then don't tell them until your friends/movers are literally removing your stuff.
If you have anything that is especially valuable to you, consider removing it beforehand and storing it somewhere else safe.
The usual advice on moving also applies, of course: throw away everything you don't really want to move, have your stuff organized in boxes and labeled so you know where it belongs in the new place, etc. There have been a lot of discussions on AskMe about that before.
posted by adamrice at 1:08 PM on January 4, 2018
Line up friends or movers once you know your move-in date so that the physical move-out process can be as fast as possible.
If you are on a lease and are required by law or basic civility to provide advance notice, then do that once you know your move-in date. If you don't have any set arrangement, then don't tell them until your friends/movers are literally removing your stuff.
If you have anything that is especially valuable to you, consider removing it beforehand and storing it somewhere else safe.
The usual advice on moving also applies, of course: throw away everything you don't really want to move, have your stuff organized in boxes and labeled so you know where it belongs in the new place, etc. There have been a lot of discussions on AskMe about that before.
posted by adamrice at 1:08 PM on January 4, 2018
It's the new year and a great time for fresh starts, so start packing up your stuff to "give to Goodwill" and get a head start on moving out.
Think about also renting some short-term storage space if you can't leave things with friends.
Make sure you are looking at rentals where there is enough security - doors, gates, doormen, etc. - so you don't end up having unexpected visitors.
Make sure all of your friends know not to discuss anything about your impending move on social media or in any other pubic arena where your toxic family members might be lurking.
Leave a little overlap (if you can afford it) with your first day in your new place and your last day with toxic family members. That way you can be set up and don't have to start sleeping on the floor our living out of boxes from day 1.
posted by brookeb at 1:26 PM on January 4, 2018
Think about also renting some short-term storage space if you can't leave things with friends.
Make sure you are looking at rentals where there is enough security - doors, gates, doormen, etc. - so you don't end up having unexpected visitors.
Make sure all of your friends know not to discuss anything about your impending move on social media or in any other pubic arena where your toxic family members might be lurking.
Leave a little overlap (if you can afford it) with your first day in your new place and your last day with toxic family members. That way you can be set up and don't have to start sleeping on the floor our living out of boxes from day 1.
posted by brookeb at 1:26 PM on January 4, 2018
I and a dozen friends helped someone move out of a toxic living situation in a 2 hour window while the other person was at a class. Once you find a place you can move small stuff on the sly, then get a bunch of people to help with the big stuff in a quick burst.
Also see if you know anyone you can stay with temporarily. That might be easier than finding a rental on your own.
posted by TheAdamist at 1:27 PM on January 4, 2018
Also see if you know anyone you can stay with temporarily. That might be easier than finding a rental on your own.
posted by TheAdamist at 1:27 PM on January 4, 2018
- Browse reddit's RaisedByNarcissists. Even if that's not your situation - they have excellent advice and support for those escaping toxic households. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
- Move all paperwork and valuables to a safe third-party location prior to the day of your escape.
- Arrange help if needed so that you 1) have a witness, and 2) can move everything in ONE GO.
- Do the actual move when the toxics are NOT there, if possible.
- Turn off any locating features on your cell phone.
- Arrange a post office box PRIOR to move day, and forward your mail to it, preferably so it starts prior to move day. (Which means you'll need to have it and fill out the move info at least a week prior to move day, so it'll start in time.)
- Be VERY selective in who you tell. If the toxic people have any power over those who hold your secrets, they will use it to find out. It's best not to tell anyone they might be able to influence or threaten.
- If you have a vehicle, if it's in just your name, great. Make sure you have your documents and that they cannot hide them/take them. If their name is on it, you may end up without it. Be prepared, if that's a possibility.
- Prioritize your belongings. Know what MUST go, and slowly sneak out a box or a few items at a time to that third party location, if possible.
- Unless storing stuff in cardboard boxes is a thing at your house, do not let them see packed boxes. Even hiding them in your closet can be dangerous if they're snoops.
- Be VERY careful that they don't have an excuse to call the cops. Have something to record with, preferably with video, if necessary. Assume any drama makes it necessary. Things can escalate fast, and toxic people tend to lie in order to maintain power and control.
- Go ahead and talk about things that are planned for after your move date. If you suddenly change behavior or conversation, they will notice and try to figure out why.
- Do not be surprise, if you intend to go no contact, if they try to report you missing, out of control, in an abusive relationship, or any of a number of things.
- Seriously consider changing your phone number.
- Don't expect that you moving out will make them realize that their behavior was wrong. It won't. You won't get an apology, and they won't change. All you can do is get YOU out of the situation. Consider that as enough.
- It's not your fault. No matter how much they insist it is, or how many other people they complain to, it's still not your fault.
Above all, GOOD LUCK.
posted by stormyteal at 1:29 PM on January 4, 2018
- Move all paperwork and valuables to a safe third-party location prior to the day of your escape.
- Arrange help if needed so that you 1) have a witness, and 2) can move everything in ONE GO.
- Do the actual move when the toxics are NOT there, if possible.
- Turn off any locating features on your cell phone.
- Arrange a post office box PRIOR to move day, and forward your mail to it, preferably so it starts prior to move day. (Which means you'll need to have it and fill out the move info at least a week prior to move day, so it'll start in time.)
- Be VERY selective in who you tell. If the toxic people have any power over those who hold your secrets, they will use it to find out. It's best not to tell anyone they might be able to influence or threaten.
- If you have a vehicle, if it's in just your name, great. Make sure you have your documents and that they cannot hide them/take them. If their name is on it, you may end up without it. Be prepared, if that's a possibility.
- Prioritize your belongings. Know what MUST go, and slowly sneak out a box or a few items at a time to that third party location, if possible.
- Unless storing stuff in cardboard boxes is a thing at your house, do not let them see packed boxes. Even hiding them in your closet can be dangerous if they're snoops.
- Be VERY careful that they don't have an excuse to call the cops. Have something to record with, preferably with video, if necessary. Assume any drama makes it necessary. Things can escalate fast, and toxic people tend to lie in order to maintain power and control.
- Go ahead and talk about things that are planned for after your move date. If you suddenly change behavior or conversation, they will notice and try to figure out why.
- Do not be surprise, if you intend to go no contact, if they try to report you missing, out of control, in an abusive relationship, or any of a number of things.
- Seriously consider changing your phone number.
- Don't expect that you moving out will make them realize that their behavior was wrong. It won't. You won't get an apology, and they won't change. All you can do is get YOU out of the situation. Consider that as enough.
- It's not your fault. No matter how much they insist it is, or how many other people they complain to, it's still not your fault.
Above all, GOOD LUCK.
posted by stormyteal at 1:29 PM on January 4, 2018
If they're going to be there during the actual moving, see if you can get a friend to be there who will be in the same room as you at all times to keep you from getting cornered by them and hopefully pressure them into staying civil in front of a stranger.
posted by gaybobbie at 1:43 PM on January 4, 2018
posted by gaybobbie at 1:43 PM on January 4, 2018
Sometimes police will act as an escort for moving out in potentially contentious situations. Just something to keep in mind if you are afraid they will try to keep your stuff or if you are worried about your safety. It's a risk depending on your race, etc., like all encounters with the police are, but it has been a helpful option for some people.
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 2:13 PM on January 4, 2018
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 2:13 PM on January 4, 2018
Normally I tell people not to catastrophize, but realistically in these kinds of toxic situations you're not wrong and you actually should practice your responses, and pre-game some decisions about what you will and won't respond to.
Because honestly, unless these people are financially dependent on rent money you're giving them or physical assistance if you're handling someone's care and feeding (in which case you should if possible provide some kind of warning so they can make alternate arrangements, but don't if you just can't do so safely), there's not that much that actually needs responding to. So when they come at you creating a big panic about pretty much anything else - you can't survive out there alone, bad things are gonna happen, they are going to be sad if you go and that's unacceptable - you can just be like, no, not going to engage here. Come up with a phrase like, "I'm sorry this is difficult for you" and just say it over and over again. Have a plan for if they try to physically prevent you, don't let yourself get wound up to engage in pointless argument (the deal is done, the lease is signed, nothing to argue anymore), and just keep going.
Do absolutely do as much of this move process in secret as you can, but there will probably come a point before you are completely moved out that they are going to figure it out. Do assemble your squad if at all possible, to be there or just outside as you're dealing with the actual removal process.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:01 PM on January 4, 2018
Because honestly, unless these people are financially dependent on rent money you're giving them or physical assistance if you're handling someone's care and feeding (in which case you should if possible provide some kind of warning so they can make alternate arrangements, but don't if you just can't do so safely), there's not that much that actually needs responding to. So when they come at you creating a big panic about pretty much anything else - you can't survive out there alone, bad things are gonna happen, they are going to be sad if you go and that's unacceptable - you can just be like, no, not going to engage here. Come up with a phrase like, "I'm sorry this is difficult for you" and just say it over and over again. Have a plan for if they try to physically prevent you, don't let yourself get wound up to engage in pointless argument (the deal is done, the lease is signed, nothing to argue anymore), and just keep going.
Do absolutely do as much of this move process in secret as you can, but there will probably come a point before you are completely moved out that they are going to figure it out. Do assemble your squad if at all possible, to be there or just outside as you're dealing with the actual removal process.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:01 PM on January 4, 2018
There are some handy ruses. Taking to the thrift store is one mentioned above, and going for the weekend is another. Pack your off season clothes for the thrift store, and your best clothes for the weekend.
posted by Oyéah at 6:11 PM on January 4, 2018
posted by Oyéah at 6:11 PM on January 4, 2018
Lots of good points here. Make sure to take any essential or irreplaceable items to a secure location (ie. passport, ID, financial papers) out BEFORE you tell the toxics that you are leaving. I hope for the best for you but be prepared to have to leave in that moment, in case things get ugly or violent. I once had to leave a toxic living environment on short notice and forgot my passport. It became a hostage to the person and was extremely stressful to get back. Also, might be a good idea change your mailing address ahead of time to make sure any mail isn't held hostage. R/JUSTNOMIL has some get resources on securing your mail and new personal residence.
posted by snowysoul at 1:35 PM on January 5, 2018
posted by snowysoul at 1:35 PM on January 5, 2018
I know this is a bit late, and may not be very helpful in terms of constructiveness, but just wanted to say that I really do hope you'll be okay and that everything will work out. Above all, please give yourself permission to not feel okay. It's okay. It's human. You're human. Hang in there.
posted by dubious_dude at 10:20 PM on January 5, 2018
posted by dubious_dude at 10:20 PM on January 5, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
You can't control other peoples' reactions, so focus on managing your own. Come up with a script of answers for drama that you won't be engaging in any further, questions and stuff that you are fairly confident you can predict. Practice saying "it's not up for discussion," "I think I'll be happier living on my own," and other bright-line simplicities. Don't get swept up into the drams and continue with your plans. You can do this!
posted by rhizome at 12:35 PM on January 4, 2018