Does depression change the way people behave?

November 24, 2017 8:28 PM

A friend of mine is depressed. He's taking medication for it so I would assume it's really serious and to be honest he has also said as much. However, I have begun to notice that he's behaving differently. He seems very different to the person I knew two years ago. I don't know if it is the medicine, his depression or both. I know depression is really complicated, I doubt I could ever understand it, I have never experienced it myself and from what I hear it is really difficult to know what people with depression are going through if you have never gone through it. Nonetheless, as of late my friend has become insufferable, impossible to talk to and completely uninterested and unaware of my issues.

This person is a good friend he was there in some tough times when no one else was but as of late he's really pissing me off. He's not himself anymore. I mean his always had his bad side like everyone I guess but as of late it has gone completely out of control. He's too needy and clingy, he's always going on about how I don't pay him enough attention, and whenever I talk about my problems he ignores them or diminishes them. He never wants to go out or do anything I want to do. I just finished college and he refused to go out to party with me.

Is this common with people who are depressed? Is it his medicine which is altering his personality? I know he drinks a melatonin based antidepressant. Honestly I don't want to lose my friend but I cannot take this anymore. I want to help him but he's making it impossible. Lately I find myself making stuff up just to avoid him. His other friends which happen to be my friends too are sick of it as well, they say he's always going out of their way to pick fights with them.

What should I do? Should I just stay away from him for a while?

posted by Braxis to Human Relations (9 answers total)

I think your first step here should be to educate yourself about depression.

My heart goes out to your friend. This is well within the range of normal when you've got depression. It sounds like he's having a terrible time. What you are feeling is also totally normal.
posted by sevensnowflakes at 8:51 PM on November 24, 2017 [1 favorite]

If your friend had cancer or was lying in bed in traction, would you be equally pissed that they didn't feel like partying? They're not just being self-absorbed, they're sick. Not saying it's not hard for the people who love them, just that whatever you're going through with regards to the relationship, they've got it worse. Try looking elsewhere for support for the time being. He's been there for you before, maybe now it's your turn until he's feeling better, and the scales will be back in balance.
posted by kate4914 at 9:09 PM on November 24, 2017 [12 favorites]

sometimes depressed people are very good friends because they feel like they have to earn friendship. so they do everybody lots of favors, they're always there for you when you need them, they listen to your problems. is this because they like you and they are great people? sometimes. to an extent. but sometimes it's because they think they couldn't possibly be as interesting as other people so why talk when they can listen? and they think they have to make up for their terrible selves by doing something worthwhile, so they apologize for existing by giving you anything they can think of, like rides or time or loans or the dominant position in the friendship.

so a lot of the time, when people stop being so depressed, other people don't like it, because to them it looks like the person has suddenly stopped being nice. and they have, doormats are nice. but not nice to be.

but the way you describe it, it could also be that he suddenly got much MORE depressed, to the point where he can't put on a polite face anymore. and if this is some kind of weird self-prescribed natural remedy he's taking, I would worry. hopefully the medication he's taking was obtained via a psychiatrist. even if it was, though, it could be having bad side effects and not helping.

the third possibility is that sometimes, because of the reasons explained in the first two paragraphs, when depressed people stop being so depressed, they become legitimately selfish or at least self-centered as a rebound effect from never feeling able to do that before, and from the intoxicating sense of power that comes from suddenly feeling free and unafraid to say what they think and do what they want. if this is the reason, it will pass with time.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:51 PM on November 24, 2017 [13 favorites]

Short answer: yes, it totally does change the way you behave. I struggle with depression and have for many years. On good days I don't have trouble getting out of bed, I feel energetic enough to take care of the house and do my work, I can socialize and reply to all the messages I get. I show up to places on time, smile, hold conversations, and am generally competent at life and being a good friend / employee / etc.
When I'm feeling low, all I want to do is sit under a blanket and watch TV or sleep. I feel tired, hopeless, paralyzed by fear when faced with social interaction of any kind, and everything is dull and fuzzy...I'm only about 50% present at best around others. I speak quietly and in a monotone. Every tiny mistake (forgetting to turn on the dishwasher, spilling a drink) starts a torrent of criticism and self-abuse from your own mind. When I'm in the middle of a depressive spiral I'm lucky to show up to any appointment let alone less than 10 minutes late. Unreplied-to texts, emails and to-do items pile up and the longer I wait to address them, the greater my terror at facing them becomes, perpetuating a vicious cycle of withdrawal and procrastination. Weed and alcohol help because they dull the mental voice constantly yelling at you, and let some of the more functional bits of your personality float back to the surface for a brief respite from it all. When I'm high, I do the dishes and vacuum and talk to friends because it's the only time those things don't seem so overwhelming as to be impossible.
If you want an excellent picture of what this is like, watch the season 3 Bojack Horseman episode Stupid Piece of Shit; the depiction is uncannily accurate. Being depressed is like living with a cruel, abusive spouse inside your own mind, and in the worst moments it can take all a person's strength just to keep on living.
posted by azuresunday at 9:52 PM on November 24, 2017 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Do you care about his problems? Cause in your description it's pretty one sided... He gave a lot and you didn't mention giving to him.

That's really nice of you to assume, even though you don't know anything about me. I won't accept this. I've been there for him too, when he came to before anyone when he started talking about how his psychiatrist diagnosed him with depression, I was there to listen. When he was alone and had no one to talk to I was there, when he was alone and had no one else to play his video games with I was there, when he had no one else to go to the movies with I was there too. In fact I care so much about his problems, that when he told me I asked around about how I could help. They told me to be there for him, and I have, they also told me not to make his problems my own and to understand that when the things that I described where happening to not take it personally because it was not really him talking it was his depression.

Nonetheless, what is it exactly that you expect me to do? Am I supposed to lose my mind along with him? I spent the last six months working hard to make sure I would graduate this year, and I told him time and time again that I wouldn't have time to be around him a lot, he knew as much. So what do I get in return? I get called a sellout and I get crap from him because he says I have been ditching him, when that's nothing further from the truth. However, that's not enough, he has to keep tagging me on facebook and annoying me about some bet he thinks we made and as if that's not enough he gets mad at me because I want to hang out and drink with my other friends, even though I asked him first before I asked them. So again what is it exactly that I'm supposed to do? Just keep my mouth shut and take it?

I'll admit it, the biggest problem I have right now is transitioning from college to the workforce, and wanting to purse other stuff I never had time to pursue and not knowing how to go about it, and yeah that's not a big issue but I'm human too and I'm allowed to have my needs and I'm also allowed feel happy about my graduation, something which he doesn't seem to care about, and yeah maybe he does care about it, but what does he want me to do, to feel bad about it? I am tired of it, this has been going on since I started my last semester, and to be honest now that I have finished it seems that it's taken a turn for the worse.
posted by Braxis at 10:57 PM on November 24, 2017 [1 favorite]

It sounds to me like you're over this. There's no question in this AskMe question, it's just a lot of justification for not wanting to be this guy's friend anymore. And you know what? That's fine. You don't need permission from loads of internet strangers to pull back on this friendship.
posted by forza at 11:17 PM on November 24, 2017 [4 favorites]

Nonetheless, what is it exactly that you expect me to do?'

Let it go. It's not a functional friendship anymore. Just let it go and move on. It will be healthier for both of you.
posted by Hermione Granger at 11:36 PM on November 24, 2017 [2 favorites]

Best answer: He's too needy and clingy, he's always going on about how I don't pay him enough attention, and whenever I talk about my problems he ignores them or diminishes them.
[...]
Is it his medicine which is altering his personality?

I’ve been through this dance with many loved ones over the years when they were dealing with major depression, and in my experience this is how it went:

• Depressed Person is unwell and knows he is unwell, but is getting insufficient help (wrong diagnosis or Rx, unskilled counselling) or bad help (self-medicating, quack treatment), or no help at all (uninsured, doesn’t believe in it).
• DP loses the ability to reciprocate socially, especially listening to anything anyone else is going through; attempts to relate are met with put-downs or the cold shoulder
• DP gets worse and the friend group tries to “help,” but nobody is qualified to provide the help he needs, so everyone just tries to absorb his pain and stop having needs of their own when he is around, which is draining and unsustainable
• DP feels patronized and lashes out, or becomes reliant on the group as therapist stand-ins; the group tries harder to maintain the one-sided dynamic but one by one, individuals start burning out
• DP feels abandoned and doubles down on the remaining friends, and any attempts to set healthy boundaries (no name-calling, not supporting unhealthy habits or obsessions) are too late, sometimes even met with accusations of “selfishness” or verbal abuse.
• Friend support further dwindles; if the last friend is “loyal” to the core, s/he eventually gets cut off anyway because nothing they can offer at this point is enough

This pattern doesn’t mean depressed people are monsters. It does mean that:

depression is still stigmatized and poorly-understood;

treatment is constantly evolving and what works in one patient can be disastrous in another;

Mercola and other quack resources convince lots of people to take treatment into their own hands, often because they lack access to formal care or they’re afraid to trust it; and finally,

our society encourages a LOT of magical thinking about what laypeople can really do to support someone who is struggling with this illness.

It’s pervasive. We have webcomics and thinkpieces and songs and viral videos that all suggest a True Friend will have limitless patience, bottomless compassion, and no need for sleep or a toilet until their depressed friend has some sort of epiphany and feels all better. We all wish that were true! Believe me!

It is unrealistic. I’ve Googled “set boundaries with depressed loved one” enough times to know that there are not many wellsprings of wisdom about this. There is a lot of pat advice about how it’s OK to set them, but not about how to do it or what to do when it backfires. I’ve asked similar questions elsewhere, and there was always someone ready to tell me I was selfish and ignorant about depression.

My best recommendation for you is to give yourself a break, and to take all the guilt trips with a massive grain of salt. Absolutely read up on major depressive disorder so you can empathize with your friend, AND ALSO so you can recognize your skills and limitations in helping him.

Someone above compared it to cancer; that’s useful for understanding why he wasn’t up for partying, but let’s take the analogy further: if he had cancer, would anyone expect you to provide him with surgery, or chemo and radiation? If he needed a bone marrow transplant, and you weren’t even a blood-type match, would you feel guilty? You could drive him to treatment sometimes, or cook meals or run errands, but at the end of the day there would still be an understanding that you had responsibilities and needs of your own.

(Not a sufficient understanding, mind, but a clearer one among reasonably-educated laypeople. I can speak from authority on this: I’ve had a loved one with severe depression and a loved one dying of cancer at the same time. The guilt on all sides was immense, but it was plain absurd in one particular direction.)

You can offer your love and SOME of your time, and encourage him to get more/better help, but you have very little control over the outcome. Self-care!

I really am rooting for you both.
posted by armeowda at 11:38 PM on November 24, 2017 [8 favorites]

It doesn't have to be about depression. People grow out of friendships. Maybe you both have.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 12:02 AM on November 25, 2017