Taking in a high school student
October 22, 2017 8:54 PM
An 18 year old queer high school senior we barely know has been kicked out his father’s home. He is not welcome in his mother’s home. After giving him the boot his father donated his stuff to Goodwill (whom we have been in touch with). They both sent messages to him with homeless shelters and then cut off his phone service. What do we do to help him?
They both adopted him at age 5. So he has no other family. The reasons they gave for kicking him out sound like the end of a long line of minor gripes.
Of course, I don’t know this for sure. I have no way to verify this information. He seems like a nice kid. He gets good grades. My husband and I have given him a place so far, but we have no idea what we are doing.
What questions should we be asking?
Other than making sure he goes to school and therapy, what should be demand of him?
Are there agencies or resources we should look into here in Portland?
They both adopted him at age 5. So he has no other family. The reasons they gave for kicking him out sound like the end of a long line of minor gripes.
Of course, I don’t know this for sure. I have no way to verify this information. He seems like a nice kid. He gets good grades. My husband and I have given him a place so far, but we have no idea what we are doing.
What questions should we be asking?
Other than making sure he goes to school and therapy, what should be demand of him?
Are there agencies or resources we should look into here in Portland?
Marrow is the first thing that comes to mind as a nifty teen resource center if you're anywhere near North Portland.
I wonder if you might be able to ask the high school for resource suggestions?
posted by aniola at 9:22 PM on October 22, 2017
I wonder if you might be able to ask the high school for resource suggestions?
posted by aniola at 9:22 PM on October 22, 2017
Janus Youth appears to provide services for Portland homeless youth who are no longer minors. You should get in touch with them and see what help they can provide him, especially if he wants to move towards living independently.
Two separate parental household evictions not explicitly driven by shared religious mania is a little worrying. It's very generous of you to offer your space, but I think you need to show some care here. The first question: how is he meeting his day-to-day expenses? I assume you're giving him meals as well, but where is his pocket money coming from? If he's tricking or camming or dealing, that's something you'll need to know. If he's expecting to get it from you, it's best to know that up front and think about what you want to do.
posted by praemunire at 9:25 PM on October 22, 2017
Two separate parental household evictions not explicitly driven by shared religious mania is a little worrying. It's very generous of you to offer your space, but I think you need to show some care here. The first question: how is he meeting his day-to-day expenses? I assume you're giving him meals as well, but where is his pocket money coming from? If he's tricking or camming or dealing, that's something you'll need to know. If he's expecting to get it from you, it's best to know that up front and think about what you want to do.
posted by praemunire at 9:25 PM on October 22, 2017
He needs to speak to a financial aid counselor, either at his high school or at the local community college. Though he's 18, he may need legal emancipation-type paperwork so he'll be able to apply for college aid completely independent of his parents.
posted by Iris Gambol at 9:58 PM on October 22, 2017
posted by Iris Gambol at 9:58 PM on October 22, 2017
New Avenues for Youth could probably be quite helpful.
posted by alygator at 11:26 PM on October 22, 2017
posted by alygator at 11:26 PM on October 22, 2017
Help make sure he has as much legal documentation of who he is as possible - social security card, state ID, birth certificate, etc
Seconding this. Our oldest kid, who came to us at 19 under very similar circumstances and whom we later legally adopted, didn't know that they could get things like their birth certificate without their bio parents providing them. It's actually quite simple to get these documents from the state where they were born, the social security admin, and so on. But our kid simply had no idea that these things were possible.
If this person is 18, conventional high school is only one option, and, for a queer kid, high school may be a place of stress and pain. It might be worth discussing other options with them: GED, a non-traditional completion program, or the like. Our kid needed to spend time dealing with grief, trauma, and mental health issues from their upbringing and it was good for them to take a break from school for awhile (they were in college, but something similar might apply). Your 18yo is no doubt traumatized by this; perhaps a period during which they set school aside while they work part-time would be a good choice for them.
It took us a little bit of time to figure out our bottom line, but eventually it looked like:
1. If they are on psychotropic meds, they take them regularly. If they want to change their meds, they do it only under the supervision of a psychiatrist. This meant, for our kid, learning to take responsibility for not running out of their prescriptions, and eventually, agreeing to use a daily pill organizer to keep track of what they had and hadn't taken. Getting them onto a stable regime of meds meant helping them find a better psychiatrist than they'd had access to at the college; another thing they didn't know was that if you had a shitty doctor, you could go find a better one.
2. As you say, therapy. Making and keeping regular appointments totally not optional.
3. Clarity about finances and household responsibilities. What will you pay for? What won't you pay for? We didn't charge our young person rent, but they were responsible for their own food and all personal expenses, for instance.
4. Clear expectations about household rules around drinking, pot smoking, overnight guests, illegal torrents, and so on have been important every time we've had someone stay with us (Permanent Kid is the fourth individual or family we've had stay with us temporarily when they were in a tight spot.)
5. We have always told people that an initial stay was for a certain period of time: 90 days, say, at which point we'd re-evaluate. And that, barring any major rule-breaking or illegal activity, we'd provide 30 days notice if we needed them to move out.
Our kid has other mental health and disability issues that make our situation quite different from yours--you may well be able to set more expectations for this kid, whereas for ours "learning to be an adult" has been a long, slow process. And our kid really needed permanence--abandonment was one of the usual discipline techniques they experienced growing up--and this is part of what led us to pursue legal adoption.
It sounds like you have a lot more resources in Portland than we have here in the midwest, but I have found information intended for people taking in foster children as teens to be really useful. You should definitely connect with your local resources because not only can they help the young person, but they can help you. My partner and I both recently reached a kind of burnout point with our kid, and finding out that this is not only totally normal when taking on a parenting role for a traumatized young person, but that we were pretty much right on schedule with it, helped us not freak out.
Something to talk about with both the kid and any programs you are able to participate with is how to help them make the transition to independence. Perhaps make sure the kid knows that your home and your support are a stepping-stone to independence, and that helping them access resources and develop life skills for independence is going to be part of the process, but also reassure them (if it's true), that barring any trouble, you won't make them leave until they have at least the rudiments in place to be on their own.
posted by Orlop at 12:16 AM on October 23, 2017
Seconding this. Our oldest kid, who came to us at 19 under very similar circumstances and whom we later legally adopted, didn't know that they could get things like their birth certificate without their bio parents providing them. It's actually quite simple to get these documents from the state where they were born, the social security admin, and so on. But our kid simply had no idea that these things were possible.
If this person is 18, conventional high school is only one option, and, for a queer kid, high school may be a place of stress and pain. It might be worth discussing other options with them: GED, a non-traditional completion program, or the like. Our kid needed to spend time dealing with grief, trauma, and mental health issues from their upbringing and it was good for them to take a break from school for awhile (they were in college, but something similar might apply). Your 18yo is no doubt traumatized by this; perhaps a period during which they set school aside while they work part-time would be a good choice for them.
It took us a little bit of time to figure out our bottom line, but eventually it looked like:
1. If they are on psychotropic meds, they take them regularly. If they want to change their meds, they do it only under the supervision of a psychiatrist. This meant, for our kid, learning to take responsibility for not running out of their prescriptions, and eventually, agreeing to use a daily pill organizer to keep track of what they had and hadn't taken. Getting them onto a stable regime of meds meant helping them find a better psychiatrist than they'd had access to at the college; another thing they didn't know was that if you had a shitty doctor, you could go find a better one.
2. As you say, therapy. Making and keeping regular appointments totally not optional.
3. Clarity about finances and household responsibilities. What will you pay for? What won't you pay for? We didn't charge our young person rent, but they were responsible for their own food and all personal expenses, for instance.
4. Clear expectations about household rules around drinking, pot smoking, overnight guests, illegal torrents, and so on have been important every time we've had someone stay with us (Permanent Kid is the fourth individual or family we've had stay with us temporarily when they were in a tight spot.)
5. We have always told people that an initial stay was for a certain period of time: 90 days, say, at which point we'd re-evaluate. And that, barring any major rule-breaking or illegal activity, we'd provide 30 days notice if we needed them to move out.
Our kid has other mental health and disability issues that make our situation quite different from yours--you may well be able to set more expectations for this kid, whereas for ours "learning to be an adult" has been a long, slow process. And our kid really needed permanence--abandonment was one of the usual discipline techniques they experienced growing up--and this is part of what led us to pursue legal adoption.
It sounds like you have a lot more resources in Portland than we have here in the midwest, but I have found information intended for people taking in foster children as teens to be really useful. You should definitely connect with your local resources because not only can they help the young person, but they can help you. My partner and I both recently reached a kind of burnout point with our kid, and finding out that this is not only totally normal when taking on a parenting role for a traumatized young person, but that we were pretty much right on schedule with it, helped us not freak out.
Something to talk about with both the kid and any programs you are able to participate with is how to help them make the transition to independence. Perhaps make sure the kid knows that your home and your support are a stepping-stone to independence, and that helping them access resources and develop life skills for independence is going to be part of the process, but also reassure them (if it's true), that barring any trouble, you won't make them leave until they have at least the rudiments in place to be on their own.
posted by Orlop at 12:16 AM on October 23, 2017
This may be too late for that poor soul, but I took in a kid in the same circumstances. His parents also gave all his things (all his things, right down to his underwear) to Goodwill. I called the Goodwill where they took the stuff and explained, and they offered to give it all back. That was really nice of them. Maybe you can try to get his things back in the the same way?
That kid is still in my life, 12 years later. He's wonderful. He ended up staying with me for 3 wonderful years. I'm glad I played a part in bringing up such a treasure. I hope it works out the same for you.
posted by james33 at 4:29 AM on October 23, 2017
That kid is still in my life, 12 years later. He's wonderful. He ended up staying with me for 3 wonderful years. I'm glad I played a part in bringing up such a treasure. I hope it works out the same for you.
posted by james33 at 4:29 AM on October 23, 2017
candleman, praemunire and orlop are right on. make sure your household is prepared to take in / support the kiddo if that is your intent. you sound good hearted but don't get played. and don't think i am being like "all children are assholes" in re getting played.
you may also want to reach out to the Q center in addition to Janus and New Avenues for Youth.
posted by nixon's meatloaf at 11:10 AM on October 23, 2017
you may also want to reach out to the Q center in addition to Janus and New Avenues for Youth.
posted by nixon's meatloaf at 11:10 AM on October 23, 2017
This is an unusual situation and I worry it's beyond his high school staff's means to address. A caseworker through the Department of Human Services can help navigate health insurance options (so he can have those therapy appointments) and eligibility for food subsidies and the like. If he's staying with you, he may not qualify for certain 'homeless youth' benefits (and you should check how residency is calculated in general, for your protection, as per previous responses); it's not clear if his estranged parents will carry him on their medical insurance until he's 26.
Looking at this Oregon adoption FAQ, he may have access to certain benefits already: "Adopted children receiving Adoption Assistance are eligible for the Oregon Health Plan, which covers medical, dental and mental health costs."
posted by Iris Gambol at 5:45 PM on October 23, 2017
Looking at this Oregon adoption FAQ, he may have access to certain benefits already: "Adopted children receiving Adoption Assistance are eligible for the Oregon Health Plan, which covers medical, dental and mental health costs."
posted by Iris Gambol at 5:45 PM on October 23, 2017
If he is an international adoptee you might want to check his citizenship status while getting his papers together. I think he's young enough that it's okay though.
posted by Iteki at 10:15 PM on October 23, 2017
posted by Iteki at 10:15 PM on October 23, 2017
Thank you everyone for your input. The kid ended up being a creep. We are taking him to a center to get him shelter and services tonight. His parents aren’t as bad as I feared they would be, but are at the ends of their ropes. It seems like trying to help him is only enabling bad behavior. It is heartbreaking, I am glad we helped, and I hope he gets himself right.
posted by munchingzombie at 10:41 AM on October 26, 2017
posted by munchingzombie at 10:41 AM on October 26, 2017
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Not to be too much of a downer, but put a hidden camera with a motion sensor in your private space where your valuables are. I once took in a kid who had been kicked out by an abusive parent that seemed like a good kid (and even came with a reference from a friend), and well, they were not so good and not catching it earlier coat me quite a bit of pain and money.
posted by Candleman at 9:07 PM on October 22, 2017