General question: when is it time to end an unfulfilling relationship?
October 10, 2017 8:14 AM Subscribe
When you consider a relationship from the perspective of ending it, you invariably consider all which you stand to lose, as well as the prospect of being "out there" again, which in turn softens your reasons to leave, and so you to and fro between staying and leaving. Once you realize you're doing this, you also realize you could do so indefinitely: what ultimately makes you resolve to leave, suck it up, or set it to one side?
My (albeit somewhat embarrassing) personal process is that, once things start going downhill, I'll find myself assessing grievances and disbeliefs and kind of unconsciously rating them by how dramatically they appear when I call them (often involuntarily, if I'm particularly upset) to mind, and I'll do this repeatedly, replaying them, often with different angles and observations, often with the same disbelief.
Then I'll resolve that those grievances constitute due cause to consider an exit strategy, which brings to the forefront the burdens of going it alone, in turn tempering my enthusiasm to leave. Of course during this process there is also consideration for the relationship positives, but these typically get relegated to second place, eclipsed by the drama of the negatives.
And then I stand back and see that; yes, I am upset and emotional; yes, my analysis and grievance assessment has taken place in the echo chamber of my skull; yes, the drama is causing me to attribute more value to those grievances; yes, when I was replaying those grievances in my mind last night they were way more significant than they are now, the next day, and therefore what does that say about my ability to rationally assess them?; yes, those grievances are real though, and they're causing me significant discomfort; yes, there are positives in the relationship too; yes, I am being influenced by events of my previous relationship (should've ended it sooner); yes, I should be grateful for what I've got; yes, maybe it's me - maybe *I'm* the significant factor in the unfulfillment; yes, maybe I could focus my energies on "making it work"; and maybe a fulfilling relationship isn't a real thing anyway - maybe fulfillment is something like happiness which just happens along the way from time to time (vs it being something which some folks (with greater emotional aptitude than I) can actually attain).
Note: this isn't a question asking for relationship advice, just how you manage making this decision.
My (albeit somewhat embarrassing) personal process is that, once things start going downhill, I'll find myself assessing grievances and disbeliefs and kind of unconsciously rating them by how dramatically they appear when I call them (often involuntarily, if I'm particularly upset) to mind, and I'll do this repeatedly, replaying them, often with different angles and observations, often with the same disbelief.
Then I'll resolve that those grievances constitute due cause to consider an exit strategy, which brings to the forefront the burdens of going it alone, in turn tempering my enthusiasm to leave. Of course during this process there is also consideration for the relationship positives, but these typically get relegated to second place, eclipsed by the drama of the negatives.
And then I stand back and see that; yes, I am upset and emotional; yes, my analysis and grievance assessment has taken place in the echo chamber of my skull; yes, the drama is causing me to attribute more value to those grievances; yes, when I was replaying those grievances in my mind last night they were way more significant than they are now, the next day, and therefore what does that say about my ability to rationally assess them?; yes, those grievances are real though, and they're causing me significant discomfort; yes, there are positives in the relationship too; yes, I am being influenced by events of my previous relationship (should've ended it sooner); yes, I should be grateful for what I've got; yes, maybe it's me - maybe *I'm* the significant factor in the unfulfillment; yes, maybe I could focus my energies on "making it work"; and maybe a fulfilling relationship isn't a real thing anyway - maybe fulfillment is something like happiness which just happens along the way from time to time (vs it being something which some folks (with greater emotional aptitude than I) can actually attain).
Note: this isn't a question asking for relationship advice, just how you manage making this decision.
This post was deleted for the following reason: Sorry, this is pretty much chatfilter. -- LobsterMitten
« Older Salsa sampler pack (via Amazon)? | Refinance Mortgage on PhD Stipend Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.