How to politely refuse eternal salvation

January 23, 2006 4:31 PM

I just turned some Mormons away from my door, but I said it was because I was busy, so they said they'd come back later. Ack. I feel bad. What'll I do?

I've heard so many "How I freaked out/chased off the door-knocking priestly type" stories, but I've never heard anything from the *other* side. I know the missionaries mean well, and I want them to go away and not come back, but I don't want to be a jerk about it. Rather than lie or insult them or scare them, I want them to understand that I appreciate their efforts, I respect them as people, but I do not wish to join. And after reading the customers_suck forums, I am sure that missionaries have their own share of stories. Has anyone here ever done this sort of work for a church? What is it like? How do you like people to respond, and what's the best way for someone to politely refuse? And out of curiosity, has anyone tried any of the "Ha ha we're SATANISTS" jokes on you, and how did you respond?

posted by Rubber Soul to religion & philosophy (94 comments total)

I don't see why you feel bad. You didn't ask them to knock on your door.
posted by BackwardsCity at 4:34 PM on January 23, 2006

Say this:

Hi, thanks for coming back. Look, rather than lie or insult you or scare you, I want you to understand that I appreciate your efforts, I respect you as people, but I do not wish to join.

I mean, you've already said everything that needs to be said.
posted by frogan at 4:35 PM on January 23, 2006

Perhaps (and I know this might be going out on a limb), just say, "I appreciate that you're doing something you believe in, but I'm not interested. Have a nice day!" ?

On preview: what frogan said.
posted by JMOZ at 4:35 PM on January 23, 2006

Even just - `No, thank you' will do. They are used to handling rejection, and won't be terribly offended if you are polite but firm.
posted by tomble at 4:38 PM on January 23, 2006

Just be polite and honest -- tell them you're not interested, that you don't wish to discuss religion with them, and that you don't think you ever will want to. You could ask them to make a note to any future missionaries not to knock on your door, but they're probably not organized enough for that to be effective.

Wish them the best of luck and say goodbye. Knocking on doors sucks, and I'd be surprised if any of them enjoy that part of their missionary work. A polite rejection (as opposed to a rude one) could be the high point of their day.

But don't engage them in conversation -- that will only give them false hope and then they'll think they need to be more persistent. They might not realize this, but every minute they spend trying to convert someone who's not really interested is just wasted time when they could have been looking for someone who genuinely wants to talk to them.
posted by JekPorkins at 4:39 PM on January 23, 2006

I have a band of friendly, intelligent and merry mormons that come by every few weeks, and we argue about religion. It's awesome.

If you like arguing, invite them in for tea.
posted by Jairus at 4:43 PM on January 23, 2006

Bear in mind, they are saints. A little bit of discomfort comes with the territory.
posted by Protocols of the Elders of Awesome at 4:44 PM on January 23, 2006

Perhaps (and I know this might be going out on a limb), just say, "I appreciate that you're doing something you believe in, but I'm not interested. Have a nice day!"

I've done exactly this and it's worked fine.

I have a band of friendly, intelligent and merry mormons that come by every few weeks, and we argue about religion. It's awesome.

I've also done this and it's been fun.
posted by duck at 4:45 PM on January 23, 2006

I've known a few missionaries in my time. If you lead them on, you can get them to do favors for you -- wash your car, stuff like that. That might be wrong, I guess.

Alternatively, you can tell them you respect what they're doing, as suggested above, if you do.

If you don't like what they're doing, though, tell them how you feel. If you don't like door-to-door proselytizing, if it makes you uncomfortable, if you think they're being too aggressive, tell them. I know a few Mormons who changed their minds about a number of things when they encountered a large number of thinking, articulate people on their missions who respectfully disagreed with what they were doing.

Of course, the ones who changed their minds about the whole thing (one came home halfway through, the other later personally apologized to several people he had converted) were really the halfhearted ones to start with, anyway.
posted by gurple at 4:45 PM on January 23, 2006

Be polite and honest.

It's amazing how everyone can manage one or the other, but so few seem capable of both. You had no trouble with "polite," but "honest" tripped you up. Try again.
posted by cribcage at 4:54 PM on January 23, 2006

Tell them you're Quaker. They are educated in most of the major religions, so as to be able to tell you how Mormonism is better or similar to what you're already a part of, if anything. Statistically, Quakers have the lowest rate of conversion to Mormonism, and many Mormons are taught this. My friend's Mother, an actual Quaker, would tell Mormon missionaries this when they came around, and that was all she needed to say to get them to give up.
posted by autojack at 4:54 PM on January 23, 2006

They are educated in most of the major religions

They're so not.
posted by JekPorkins at 4:57 PM on January 23, 2006

As I walked out the door yesterday I was approached by Mormons.

Mormon: "Excuse me sir, do you have a moment?"

Me: "Actually, no, I'm just on my way out."

Mormon: "What would be a good time when we could come back and talk to you about -- "

Me: "There's not really a good time for that."
posted by kindall at 5:01 PM on January 23, 2006

If you're really embarrassed, leave a politely worded but pointed note on the door indicating that religious solicitation is unwelcome.

But yeah: in future, learn to be a little rude.
posted by iconoclastic flow at 5:01 PM on January 23, 2006

It's simple, you say, "I'm Catholic." Saying this gets you on a Mormon/Jehovah's Witnesses blacklist, and they will never bother you again.*



*Mostly sarcasm, although telling them that you are/aren't religious and firm in your religious/nonreligious beliefs usually works well for me.
posted by charmston at 5:03 PM on January 23, 2006

Tell them that you're already a Mormon.
posted by interrobang at 5:03 PM on January 23, 2006

I say "I'm sorry, but my religious beliefs are a very personal thing to me, and I am quiet happy with the status of my soul. Thank you. Have a great day."

Either that or I tell them that they can have me for 10% of the cut, but I am not giving them a cent.
posted by terrapin at 5:07 PM on January 23, 2006

"I'm a Jew" works.
posted by signal at 5:07 PM on January 23, 2006

"I don't wish to speak to you. Good day."

And then close the door. Really, that's as courteous as you need to be to people who are bothering you at your home. You don't need to give them a reason or tell them you respect anything.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 5:07 PM on January 23, 2006

Grill them aggressively until they slink away, if you have time.

They will slink away.
posted by fire&wings at 5:08 PM on January 23, 2006

Say, "I'm not interested, thanks." And shut the door, firmly but politely. Why would you owe them anything else? It's polite enough considering they intruded on your time, and it's certainly honest.
posted by redheadeb at 5:10 PM on January 23, 2006

The only "I'm a ____" lie that will actually work reliably is "No thanks, I'm RLDS." Of course, there's really no reason you have to lie. Honest and polite is the way to go.
posted by JekPorkins at 5:11 PM on January 23, 2006

These days I just stop them 3 seconds in and say "thanks, but I'm really not interested" with an emphasis on the really. I've never had religious types return.
posted by mathowie at 5:12 PM on January 23, 2006

It's simple, you say, "I'm Catholic." Saying this gets you on a Mormon/Jehovah's Witnesses blacklist, and they will never bother you again.*

*Mostly sarcasm, although telling them that you are/aren't religious and firm in your religious/nonreligious beliefs usually works well for me.

Actually, in my experience growing up in secondary Mormon country (northern Colorado/southern Wyoming -- some of my relatives on my mom's side were semi-practicing Mormons), hearing we were Catholic seemed like missionary catnip to the one that used to come by our house over and over and over. I got the sense that they (and the Mormons friends I had in high school who expressed very sincere concern about my eternal future) thought it would be a particularly prized conversion to win over some Catholics.

I used to favor being snarky -- "sure, I'll convert, as long as I get to keep my coffee, cigarettes, birth control, and evolution!" -- but now I'm definitely in the polite-but-firm "No thank you, I'm not interested" camp.
posted by scody at 5:12 PM on January 23, 2006

Once when I had the time to waste, I invited some in and kept them busy by deadpanning really stupid answers to absolutely every topic brought up. "I think we live in the best of all possible worlds! That's the exception that proves the rule!"
I'm going to hell, but it was worth it.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 5:28 PM on January 23, 2006

No alcohol, cigarettes, coffee, tea, or gay sex? No thank you! Besides, I already have a planet close to Jesus in my afterlife.

Another note from previous comments, missionaries only know one thing, thats how to try to win converts. It has nothing to do with salvation. That is thier sole goal.

Another thing, Momons and Jehovah Witnesses are hugely popular in Catholic countries.

For some really scary stuff, check out the Ex-mormon website which gives you the gist of what the missionaries learn.
posted by _zed_ at 5:30 PM on January 23, 2006

Allow me to make you feel a little better.

I used to share a house with an ex-mormon, the same age as me. She told me that when she was a missionary, she was sent to the North East of England to work with deaf people (as she had advanced British Sign Language skills). They would teach advanced BSL to these people, so long as they became full members of the church and agreed to donate money with a monthly direct debit.

Nice folks.

Said ex-mormon later threatened to kill me, and disappeared leaving large amounts of bills unpaid.
posted by coach_mcguirk at 5:35 PM on January 23, 2006

Are they cute? Do you like threesomes with two guys?

Seriously, just tell them you're not interested. They get told "no" a lot. If they keep talking, shut the door in their face.
posted by Nelson at 5:38 PM on January 23, 2006

coach_mcguirk: Clearly your ex-mormon roommate was a trustworthy and honest person who would never distort the truth or tell you inaccurate information about a church that she had rejected.
posted by JekPorkins at 5:38 PM on January 23, 2006

Be polite, but firm; that's usually all it takes.

But if possible, do remember to thank them for their amazing commitment to preserving and freely sharing genealogical records. It's certainly not going to make me convert to their religion, but their open-minded attitude towards archiving and sharing information deserves a lot of praise.
posted by Asparagirl at 5:40 PM on January 23, 2006

I like reading coach_mcguirk's comments in Coach McGuirk's voice.
posted by interrobang at 5:40 PM on January 23, 2006

Seconding Asparagirl's comments about the Mormons' commitment to genealogical research and records -- it's an amazing resource than millions benefit from, no matter their religion.
posted by scody at 6:04 PM on January 23, 2006

My dad once answered the door holding back our barking German Shepherd on a leash.

The people there chirped "We're Jehovah's Witnesses!"

Nonplussed, he said "Well, this is a Catholic dog."

They never returned.
posted by GaelFC at 6:49 PM on January 23, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

They've been through here maybe once or twice. When you are demonstrably at home (two cars in the drive, lights on in other parts of the house) and you demonstrably do not answer the door, they demonstrably get the picture. I just avoid them at all costs. I sometimes let them see me so that they know that I know they're there, and that I'm not coming to the door. It may not be polite, but it keeps me from accidentally letting a cat out whilst they natter on about things that I don't give a rat's hindquarters about.

oh, and "Catholic dog" . . . priceless.
posted by Medieval Maven at 7:00 PM on January 23, 2006

Asparagirl writes 'do remember to thank them for their amazing commitment to preserving and freely sharing genealogical records'

Thank them? That's the one thing that creeps me out the most about them.
posted by signal at 7:03 PM on January 23, 2006

The Jehovahs Witnesses knocked on our door right after my dog died. It was a really bad time to be disturbed. I was not polite in telling them to leave and not come back, ever. I don't regret it at all. I don't understand why you have to be nice and enabling to those who are invading your space.
posted by Xurando at 7:13 PM on January 23, 2006

I say, "I'm Jewish, and I'm pretty happy with that, but thanks for stopping by and have a good day."
posted by elisabeth r at 7:14 PM on January 23, 2006

I know it's just a pile-on, but I'll throw in my redundant two cents: I used to live in a part of Brooklyn that's got a lot of Jehovah's Witness activity, and in other places I've had my share of Mormon missionaries stop by. Literally ANY strong but pleasant demurral seems to be a winner (sometimes I say I'm happy in my current faith, sometimes I don't go so far), because (a) they are not looking to waste their time on people who are truly uninterested, and (b) they are so frequently responded to with unpleasant reactions that most pracitcally light up when you speak to them civilly.

Now, as for the guy who was hectoring a carful of us in the subway the other day...
posted by BT at 7:20 PM on January 23, 2006

their open-minded attitude towards archiving and sharing information deserves a lot of praise

Except with those archives are the old court records about Joseph Smith, Jr.'s charlatan dealings before the "golden tablets." But yes, you can't fault them for their politeness.

I know the missionaries mean well, and I want them to go away and not come back, but I don't want to be a jerk about it.

If you're worried you were so rude they won't come back, fear not. If Mormons are good for one thing, it's being reliable. They'll be back tomorrow. If you just tell them you're not interested, but thanks anyway, that'll be enough as long as your polite about it all. They see much worse every day, but don't feel too badly for them. They've got the kingdom of heaven to look forward to.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 7:21 PM on January 23, 2006

Hi Guys,

My son is one of those missionaries right now. He's in Connecticut and he's having the time of his life. One year down (as of the end of this week) and one more to go.

If you want to be nice, offer them a glass of water (if its hot) or a mug of hot chocolate (if it is cold), and talk to them like the 19 or 20 year olds that they probably are. Many of them are from small towns and are just doing their best to survive and thrive in a new and strange place.

Ask them where they are from, how things are going, and how long they have been out, maybe see if they need a ride or a hand with something. A few minutes of polite conversation will definitely brighten up their day, and it shouldn't be too hard to do that. Honestly, there's no harm in talking to them.

If you don't want to hear their message, simply tell them that you are not interested, and they'll probably be more than happy to pay a visit to your neighbor.

If you want to follow my son's progress, drop me a private note and I'll reply with a link to his blog.
posted by jeffbarr at 7:28 PM on January 23, 2006

Depending on what mood you're in, either be polite and say no thanks (and don't elaborate!), or tell 'em you're an apostate. That oughta do it.
posted by pdb at 7:29 PM on January 23, 2006

"I know the missionaries mean well"

Actually, no, they mean harm. They know they could live and let live, but instead choose to go up to strangers and tell them their beliefs are false and only the Mormon belief system is the true one. That's a high level of disrespect and hardly qualifies as "meaning well." Its one thing to be opinioned and its another to force one's opinions on others, especially opinions that cannot be proven.

You're afraid of being rude to them? They've already insulted you in your own home. Do you ever defend yourself? If so, this is no different. It doesn't sound like you want to have a real dialogue about the finer points of theology. You just want to be able to be as nice as possible to people actively attacking your beliefs. Why? Would you feel the same way about militant Islamic types? Or if hardcore atheists went door to door?
posted by skallas at 7:31 PM on January 23, 2006

To answer you other questions. A close friend of mine became one of those Jesus on bikes type who witnesses to people on street corners. He had a fair amount of stories but shrugged them off as those people were "sinners" and probably were going to "burn in hell" thus weren't seen as real or even human like those of his faith.
posted by skallas at 7:34 PM on January 23, 2006

It takes a special kind of arrogance to knock on people's doors to tell them they'll suffer eternal pain unless they drink your brand of koolaid.
posted by signal at 7:39 PM on January 23, 2006

Xurando said 'I don't understand why you have to be nice and enabling to those who are invading your space.'

Me neither. I tend to tell such people to get to fuck and then slam the door in their faces. Never had a repeat visit. (Harsh, maybe, but no ruder than turning up unannounced at someone's house in order to foist your beliefs on them.)

If you're set on being nice, it strikes me that your question, rephrased slightly, pretty much answers itself: 'I know you missionaries mean well, but I want you to go away and not come back. I want you to understand that I appreciate your efforts, and that I respect you as people, but I do not wish to join your organisation.'
posted by jack_mo at 7:42 PM on January 23, 2006

Tell 'em I'm a prostate? Or prostrate? I haven't tried that!

The guys who came to my door looked hot and tired. I asked if they wanted a glass of water, and, to my surprise, they eagerly accepted. I hoped they wouldn't, but when they started into their script, I gently asked about Mountain Meadows. They poker-faced it for a minute.
posted by atchafalaya at 7:43 PM on January 23, 2006

It takes a special kind of arrogance to knock on people's doors to tell them they'll suffer eternal pain unless they drink your brand of koolaid.

Oh come on. I can't stand being proselytized to either, but most of these people think they are trying to save us, no?

Also, interrobang is a genius. I never thought of just telling them I already was one.
posted by CunningLinguist at 7:47 PM on January 23, 2006

"It takes a special kind of arrogance to knock on people's doors to tell them they'll suffer eternal pain unless they drink your brand of koolaid."

While I tend to agree, I find it hard to get too angry about this. I mean, its so ridiculous, don't you think? Unless you actually are worried that you are drinking the wrong brand of koolaid and will in face suffer eternal pain as a result. I mean, they are just talking to you, you know? No guns, no clubs, no torture.

And I'm saying this as someone who still isn't completely happy that his younger brother converted.
posted by Good Brain at 7:50 PM on January 23, 2006

Tell them that Mormanism is straight from the pit of hell and that while you respect their sincerity, they are sincerely wrong. They need to find a church that preaches the truth, i.e. the bible, and that putting their trust into Jesus Christ' substitutionary death is the only certain path to eternal life.
posted by JamesMessick at 7:52 PM on January 23, 2006

Story from my aunt. Apparently my uncle invited some Witnesses in once, began talking to them, became seriously concerned that they were in danger of going to hell, and tried to convert them to his religion. Not as a joke - he really and truly felt they were wrong and wanted to help them.

They put up with it for about half an hour before they made an excuse and left, looking extremely uncomfortable. My aunt says not a single missionary type has come to their door since.
posted by caution live frogs at 7:53 PM on January 23, 2006

Do what a friend of mine did to some Witnesses that came to his door:

Witness: "Hi, I'd like to talk to you for a minute about Jesus."

Friend: "Sure, what would you like to know?"
posted by zardoz at 7:58 PM on January 23, 2006

JamesMessick, I don't know if you're serious or pulling a fast one or what, but I am a Mormon (we prefer to be called Latter-Day Saints) with a brother serving a mission right now, and we know Jesus Christ is the only name whereby man can be saved. It says so repeatedly in the Book of Mormon as it does in the Bible. That's why our church is called the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

No hard feelings, just wanted to clear the misunderstanding up.

By the way Rubber Soul, you've got a good heart. Say whatever you feel and I'm sure it'll be ok.
posted by rinkjustice at 8:05 PM on January 23, 2006

When I tell them my husband's an excommunicated Mormon, that takes care of it.

(Yeah, really am married to an exmormon.)
posted by konolia at 8:06 PM on January 23, 2006

autojack - It's true! Tell em you're a Quaker. Works every time because they either have NO idea what to say to you or get that you're probably not going to convert.
posted by mulkey at 8:07 PM on January 23, 2006

Tell them that you are concerned about the mortal souls of sincere young people such as themselves who are in thrall to a false cult of satan, but be very very nice about it.
posted by longsleeves at 8:22 PM on January 23, 2006

In my experience, if you tell them that you're happy to talk to them while they wash your car in their underwear, I get good results.
posted by jerryg99 at 8:31 PM on January 23, 2006

So, I'm an ex-mormon, in that I stopped going and it would take 2 minutes with a bishop to be recommended for excommunication but that I'm still on the membership records.

I have my own reasons for not being there, but on this subject I side with the missionaries. Now, don't get me wrong...not the idea of the missions or what their doing...but the young kids out there are, for the most part doing what they feel is right, what they believe is commanded of God.

They give up their homes, their friends, often a significant other who won't be there waiting when they get back. They give up TV, music, and swimming. They are broke the entire time and depend on the kindness of the members of their church to eat on many occasions. Their days are spent focusing on their worship (except mondays...that's basketball day *heh*). What 19-23 year olds do you know who have that amount of dedication? Sure, if were focused towards something else I'd be happy, but I have a lot of respect for the actual people serving the missions.

So, to answer your question, if you feel like it, give them some water or a cookie or whatever after you have made it clear that you are not interested in their message. Otherwise, just treat them with respect or don't answer the door at all. What would you gain from being mean about it?

As a response to other things...

The only "I'm a ____" lie that will actually work reliably is "No thanks, I'm RLDS."

holy crap. that's fantastic. It's absolutly true. Any other answer won't work and I don't know a single mormon who is schooled on the conversion rates of Quakers. What they do know is that mormonism is one of (if not the) fastest growing religion on the planet.
posted by nadawi at 8:44 PM on January 23, 2006

Many years ago, I had an encounter with a persistent pair of proselytizers who came to my apartment door on three successive weekends. The first time, I was polite, and explained that I wasn't interested. The second time my girlfriend answered the door, and she was rude, slamming the door in their faces. The third time, I saw who it was, stripped down to my skivvies, flung open the door with a grin and exclaimed, "I'm so glad you guys are here! C'mon in, we're almost ready to sacrifice the goat!"

They fled, never to return.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 8:44 PM on January 23, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

I've never done missionary work, but I can tell you that as someone who made phone calls on behalf of a city program (people opted-IN in this case), no matter what-if someone is rude to you/slams the door in your face/hangs up on you, you feel like crap, whether you're trying to confirm someone's registration to an event or trying to convert people to the one true religion. The people that are coming to your door are trying to do good works and are devoting their lives to something they believe will benefit society--it's honorable, and while it doesn't mean you should feel obligated to listen to them, there's certainly no reason not to be courteous.
posted by apple scruff at 8:50 PM on January 23, 2006

Oh, yeah...to the person who said sure, I'll convert, as long as I get to keep my coffee, cigarettes, birth control, and evolution!"...the mormons use birth control. they just use it to actually plan pregnancies. My aunt went off hers 24 months after she stopped breast feeding, nearly like clock work. She has 8 kids.
posted by nadawi at 9:14 PM on January 23, 2006

Last time the LDS guys went around our neighborhood (when we lived in Austin) it was the middle of summer, close to 100F outside, and the two (young) guys were obviously having a hard time in their dress clothes.

My wife and I politely explained that we weren't interested, then said "hold on a sec, come in for a few minutes and cool down." Ran to the fridge, gave them a couple cold bottled waters each, told them to stay hydrated, and sent them on their way after about five minutes.

I've never seen someone look so grateful in my entire life.
posted by mrbill at 9:27 PM on January 23, 2006

the REASON they keep all the death records is because they (according to their beliefs) baptize dead people...

And they baptize every person that they have a death record from.

How many mormon grandparents do YOU have? :)~
posted by Izzmeister at 9:44 PM on January 23, 2006

I used to live in sacramento, ca for awhile, and because sac is so flat and big, the mormons bike everywhere instead of walking door to door. I had a friend who used to follow them around on his bike all day. They sort of stopped visiting his neighborhood after awhile.
posted by gt at 9:47 PM on January 23, 2006

If you say, "Oh, thanks, but I'm already RLDS," don't you think they're gonna say "Awesome, who's your bishop?"
posted by booksandlibretti at 9:55 PM on January 23, 2006

I've never been Mormon but living in Utah I have a lot of friends who are.

After talking to my friends about their missions, I would agree with earlier posters that the best thing you could do for the missionaries, if you have the time, is give them something to drink, talk to them a bit about things other than religion to allow them a few minutes of just being a 20something guy rather than an 'elder'.

An added bonus and something that will make you a friend for life is to offer them a non-coffee but caffeinated beverage. Caffeine isn't forbidden but, as far as I know, its discouraged for use by the missionaries, and these guys will be thrilled to get a momentary relief from their long-term withdrawal from Mountain Dew.
posted by pandaharma at 10:07 PM on January 23, 2006

"Once upon a time, there was a supreme court justice (Brandeis) who said, 'the fundamental right of civilized people is the right to be left alone'". I realize that this has no weight outside the US.

Proselytizers are religious bigots as far as I'm concerned.
posted by brujita at 10:17 PM on January 23, 2006

Tell them you are part Black, or ask them about their racist church. That'll get them to leave.
posted by ozomatli at 10:29 PM on January 23, 2006

If you say, "Oh, thanks, but I'm already RLDS," don't you think they're gonna say "Awesome, who's your bishop?"

RLDS is a splinter group and I gather the regular LDS church doesn't have much to do with them.
posted by kindall at 11:00 PM on January 23, 2006

Thank you, Jeffbarr, for not being a moron.

I am a former Mormon Missionary.

1. They're just kids doing something they believe in. That doesn't warrant ridicule or lies. If you don't agree with them, simply tell them and that's it.

2. They're not that stupid. Yes, they've had people tell them outrageous things just to get a reaction. They learn this pretty quickly, and unless you meet one who is still really green, you probably won't see much.

3. "I'm..." RLDS, Jewish, JW, already LDS...just won't work. They're far too friendly, and in many cases interested, to be scared away so easily. If you're not interested, the only right answer is "I'm not interested."

4. Do be nice, even if you're not interested. Being a missionary is really, really difficult. And they won't knock on your door every day just because you were nice. Best case scenario: They'll say nice things about you as they leave. Worst case scenario: They'll pray for you. How awful, right?

Pretty near all the crazy stories you hear about missionaries happened to me. I served in Milwaukee.

Women answered the door naked. I knocked doors in -40 weather. A guy came to the door with his gun...and then invited us in. I got to know several drug dealers and their clients quite well. I toured Miller Brewery several times. A crazy guy attacked me on a bus. I attended a truly horrifying Brewers game.

See? Ups and downs. So politely tell the nice boys (or sometimes girls) that you'd rather not hear it. They've heard it before, they understand.
posted by SlyBevel at 11:12 PM on January 23, 2006

My mistake, there have been several non-malicious posts. Sorry for the (slight) snarkiness.
posted by SlyBevel at 11:28 PM on January 23, 2006

I thank you all for the suggestions and advice. I myself am confidently agnostic, if that makes sense, and I try to be very honest, so saying “I’m a Quaker” or something won’t work for me. And I was told that missionaries of all faiths are trained in counterattacks to typical refusals, and I knew that admitting I was agnostic would just open a whole discussion I didn’t want to get into. Also, I am very shy and don’t like talking to people much, so religious debate is out.

I hadn’t thought about just being polite and honest; last time I tried that tack (with Baptists of some form, I think) it only encouraged them to stand there longer and say things like “look, if you DIE TONIGHT, do you know you’re going to Hell?” and before that, another girl (Christian of some form) whom I did offer a cold soda to, wanted to know how I could be so “nice” to someone, if I wasn’t Christian. She, too, told me I was going to Hell, as she drank the soda I’d bought her. Oh well.

But I do like to try to be nice and to keep things civil, and I don’t want to let those bad experiences ruin my encounters with any other missionaries. So when the kids come back, I’ll know to give them a snack or soda or something (trick or treat?), a polite “no thank you”, and send them on their way, and if they want to tell me I’m hellbound, well, at least my conscience will be clear, even if my soul’s black as sin.

Thanks again.
posted by Rubber Soul at 12:05 AM on January 24, 2006

One thing I would advise against is starting a religious argument. My housemate did that once and the guy kept coming back, presumably thinking he might have a 'bite'. He actually got angry the 5th time he came back and my housemate was out.

My mum invited some Mormons in to the house once, one look at the picture of the Pope on the wall had them out of there pretty quickly.
posted by biffa at 3:18 AM on January 24, 2006

Myself, I like Mormons. Their theology is fascinating and complex. Their missionaries are nice guys with the guts to leave their homes and go somewhere strange. I know too many young Americans that lack the guts.

Since I'm an American ex-pat, I'm usually delighted to discover an American missionary. I steer the topic (eventually) to politics, much of the time.

I reserve acting rude and/or insane for the Jehovah's Witlesses.
posted by Goofyy at 3:30 AM on January 24, 2006

CunningLinguist writes 'Oh come on. I can't stand being proselytized to either, but most of these people think they are trying to save us, no?'
That's the arrogance, right there. Knowing you are right and everybody who doesn't agree is wrong is the definition of arrogance, IMO.
I'm not questioning their motives, just their humility and common sense.
posted by signal at 3:52 AM on January 24, 2006

Consider yourself part of their education. "I'm busy meant, I'm not interested. But you seem like a nice kid, so don't take it hard. BTW personally I don't like a kid calling himself and elder."

I'm not sure why we are supposed to be nice to missionaries. They're polite, but many are preditory and most are smug. And I don't think the elder thing is cute.

I've stopped making them cry, that's as far as I'm going.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 4:04 AM on January 24, 2006

Knowing you are right and everybody who doesn't agree is wrong is the definition of arrogance, IMO.

So do you always talk to them with the perspective that they might be right? Honestly?
posted by biffa at 4:19 AM on January 24, 2006

I'm polite as long as they're polite, but some missionaries (not necessarily Mormons) get pushy. My policy with them is the same as it with any salesperson:

The hard sell gets the hard no.
posted by Astro Zombie at 4:32 AM on January 24, 2006

Keep a copy of Orgazmo on hand and invite them in for a viewing!
posted by adamrice at 8:10 AM on January 24, 2006

I was a mormon missionary missionary in europe (came home about 8 months ago), and I can simply say it was the greatest adventure of my life (so far). You should know though, that there is nothing you can say that will keep them from coming back, because those missionaries might be in a town for only a few weeks, and they really don't keep much of record of which doors they have knocked on. Chances are someone new will get transfered to your town and have no idea who does or doesn't want their door knocked on.
But if you don't want to talk to them, be polite and tell them, they won't be surprised or hurt. I can guarantee that you probably couldn't think up something bizarre enough to tell them that most missionaries haven't already heard or seen. You meet an impressive cross-section of society when you spend all day on the street. There are all kinds of people that wanted to talk to us, and even a few that were really searching for us.
I met a mad russian scientist who tried to get me to deliver his manifesto to the UN, I've met many, many people so wasted that they had hard times remembering their own names, royalty, individuals from nearly every country on the planet, ex-mormons, future-mormons, people from cults so wacky that even we didn't know how to respond to them, naked people, gay, straight and other, people with no obvious gender, people with guns, knives, sticks, etc; all from knocking on doors. It was awesome!
Anyways, be like Nancy Reagan, and just say "NO!"

scody: You might not be able to keep everything, but you can keep your belief in evolution; The church has no official position on that, just a lot of random musings (but not official doctrine in any way) by well-meaning members.
posted by blue_beetle at 8:15 AM on January 24, 2006

Eh, some polite, friendly response almost always works, especially with Mormons and JWs. Though theologically misguided (IMHO), they're nice people who seem to genuinely worry for your soul.

And yes, they are used to being turned away and will probably really appreciate an honest "sorry for fibbing earlier, I'm just not interested."
posted by mumeishi at 8:22 AM on January 24, 2006

I usually just don't go to the door, but that will probably change. I used to hang up on telemarketers and take great pleasure in other people's stories about how to comically shut them down. Over the years I guess I've just become a little more considerate in this respect (I'm the guy who thanks the clerk at the store when I leave). Now when a telemarketer calls I either don't answer or I pick up the phone and politely ask to be removed from their call list. They usually seem pleasantly surprised by this. I'm sure this is the best approach with missionaries as well. To be sure, missionaries want to invade my space and question my beliefs, but at least they're politely asking to do so. As many people have said here these people are used to being declined and they're used to being treated unkindly. I would bet that a "I'm not interested, but you have a nice day" would be well received. If they're pushy you can always shut the door. I have a lot of admiration for the people who are welcoming unwelcome visitors by offering them refreshment or a rest. Among other things you're showing them the decency of a respect for those you disagree with.
posted by Songdog at 9:17 AM on January 24, 2006

I'm amazed at all the people who are/were missionaries, related to them, etc. Hey missionaries! I've never seen you in my little Massachusetts town, and I work at home all day. Is it because you know we're all godless heathens and you don't stand a chance here? I'm curious! I am not interested in converting from godless heathenism but I am curious about the missionaries themselves, being rather insulated and apparently naive. Or maybe there's some kind of mark on my door, like the tramps' symbols, that says "stay away."
posted by theredpen at 9:28 AM on January 24, 2006

Ask them about the magical underwear.
posted by haqspan at 9:37 AM on January 24, 2006

Tell them that you're already a Mormon.

DON'T DO THAT!

My cousin had missionaries coming to his house for years, because he told them that. Why did they come? Because he was not regularly going to church, and they were quite willing to bring the church to him. They will quiz you about what ward you belong to, where your church is, if you go to relief service, who your bishop is. Unless you know that stuff, it will be obvious that you don't practice (thus putting you in the "sermon to heavily" category), or they will realize you've lied.

They will put you on a list, or something. Many different sets of missionaries would keep popping by his house to home teach. Home teaching Mormons is a part of the missionaries normal job.

(He is a baptized Mormon, by the way, he just has no interest in the religion).

You know what to tell them: you've already said it to us. Assert yourself, and tell them you have no interest in their religion.
posted by teece at 9:52 AM on January 24, 2006

Sorry to keep coming back, but let's clear a thing or two up.

If you tell them you're LDS, one of three things will happen:

1. They'll whip out the ward list, see your name on it, and realize you're telling the truth. If this is the case, you'll probably invite them in because you're a member in good standing and you like missionaries.

2. They'll whip out the ward list, see that your name is not on it, and ask why.

2a. Because you've been inactive for a long time, moved recently, you're hiding from all the churchy people, or got excommunicated. (And by the way, LDS excommunication isn't like Catholic excommunication. We're still your friend, we just disagree with you until you repent and come back. Mostly.)

2b. Uhhhhh...ward list? You're lying, which will become clear very quickly, because if you're not a Mormon, and have never been one, you won't be able to speak the lingo.

Teece's cousin probably somehow convinced the missionaries that he's an inactive member, so they decided to try to bring him back. Oops. Shouldn't have lied to them. "I'm not interested, and neither is my pit bull," would have been much more effective.
posted by SlyBevel at 10:16 AM on January 24, 2006

Dang it, I need to read more carefully. Yeah, he was a Mormon once. They pulled his records, saw that he was right, tried to bring him back.

Still, "I'm not interested" would have saved him trouble if he didn't want them around.
posted by SlyBevel at 10:19 AM on January 24, 2006

My colleague was in the midst of doing some heavy landscaping work when two missionaries showed up. He politely declined to discuss religion and said "what I really need is some help with this work!". The young men were happy to help; they were glad to get a break from going door to door, and my colleague was happy for the help. He gave them lunch and bottled water when they left, and everyone was pleased.
posted by luneray at 10:25 AM on January 24, 2006

Quite true about getting them to do work for you. They have a requirement that they perform a certain amount of community service each week, so if you have things you need to get done and don't mind a couple of well meaning strangers doing it for you, put them to work! They'll actually thank you for it.
posted by JekPorkins at 10:31 AM on January 24, 2006

I attended a truly horrifying Brewers game.

I can remember a few Brewers games like that...
posted by alumshubby at 10:35 AM on January 24, 2006

BitterOldPunk:

My cat wants to know why I suddenly started laughing so hard.
posted by Trinkers at 11:55 AM on January 24, 2006

RinkJustice, my comment was completely serious. I believe that Mormonism is a false religion, and that like many false religions it incorporates a lot of the truth. I don't have all the answers, but I hang my hat on the traditional Christian doctrine.
posted by JamesMessick at 1:43 PM on January 24, 2006

JamesMessick - if I may, I think RinkJustice's point was that, whatever differences Mormonism may have from your particular religious beliefs, faith in Christ is not one of them. Mormons do, in fact, "put their trust into Jesus Christ's substitutionary death," as you put it. Or at least that's what they preach as the central tenet of their religion.

As you say, many false religions incorporate a lot of truth. Mormons believe that, too. The devil truly is in the details, and the question, then, is which details? Reasonable minds often differ on the topic. For my part, I'm not a big fan of telling people that their religion is "false," even though I often believe that's the case. It's just so hard to know what an individual believes, since each person has a different personal version of his or her own denomination. To each his own, I say.
posted by JekPorkins at 1:53 PM on January 24, 2006

To beat a dead horse, RinkJustice was not the poster of the original comment, so my comment was not aimed at RinkJustice or his/her religion. I wish I could put the following thought a little more eloquently: I have put my faith in God as presented in the Old and New Testaments. I put my faith in it to the degree that I believe that it is the one correct religion. I believe it enough to occasionally let this show publicly, even to the point that I express the belief that I believe it is correct, which unfortunatley makes the 'impolite' statement that other religions are wrong/false, but as i do believe it to be true I don't really feel the need to apologize for speaking the truth.
posted by JamesMessick at 7:15 PM on January 27, 2006

I completely respect that opinion -- I think it would be foolish of anyone to subscribe to a religion if they did not believe that religion to be the correct one and all others to be at least somewhat incorrect. People should not be offended when they find out that members of other religions believe their own religions to be right and all others to be wrong. To put it more poetically: If I think the sky is red and you think the sky is green, no amount of politeness will ever change the fact that you and I think the other is wrong about the color of the sky.

I do think, however, that Mormons probably believe far more similarly to your own beliefs than you might realize. For example, they fully embrace the Old and New Testaments, and believe that the additional "scripture" that they use is simply a supplement that strengthens the concept of God and Jesus Christ as presented in the Old and New Testaments. There are undoubtedly doctrinal points that you and they might differ on, but where the divine sonship and atoning sacrifice of Christ are concerned, I suspect they're closer to your beliefs than you think.

You don't need to apologize for speaking the truth. Anyone who pretends that it's impolite or foolish to acknowledge one's sincere beliefs is most likely insecure about their own.
posted by JekPorkins at 7:25 PM on January 27, 2006