What's it like to take 12 weeks maternity leave?
June 28, 2017 4:19 PM
I'm facing a decision about my maternity leave and career situation, and would value information about people's experiences returning to work after a 12 week FMLA maternity leave as I weigh my options.
More information about my specific situation, and what types of information I am looking for, below.
I'm pregnant (for the first time), due in a few months, and had been planning to leave my job and begin searching for something new six months or so after the baby's arrival. I am fortunate that my family has offered to financially support me and the baby during this time, and that my partner will be providing support as well. However, my current company has mentioned the possibility of continuing in a new position, that is 9-5 and office based (unlike my current job, which has an unpredictable schedule and is field based).
The new position would also be a promotion to supervisor with a pay raise. The commute would be very reasonable, ~25 minutes. Essentially, it's the exact thing that I would be aiming for when searching for a new job after the baby's birth. However, my company only offers the mandatory 12 week unpaid FMLA leave (you must use all accrued time off concurrently), plus one additional unpaid week. This would leave me in the position of working until as soon as possible until the baby is born, and then returning after 3 months. My partner does not work during the days and would be able to do full time childcare upon my immediate return for at least several months, and we could consider our other options long term.
I am in the US, and know that I am "lucky" to have these three months and that many get even less. I am also lucky that I won't need to return to work immediately due to financial necessity, and that I would be leaving the baby with his parent, not a daycare. However, three months sounds very short to me.
I am curious about other people's experience taking leave of approximately this length, as I consider my decision. Was it unbearable to leave the baby? How did you cope? Would you make the same choice if you didn't have to? I do have a history of depression, though I have been feeling healthy for years, so I am curious about people's experiences mental-health wise after returning to work from the "typical" leave. A part of me thinks I'd be crazy to go back to work so soon if I don't have to, since this is a special time that I can never get back and I don't want to shortchange either one of us, or my partner.
However, I know that I want to return to work within a year or so, and continuing to advance professionally and maintain an identity apart from being a mother seems like something that is important for my health and happiness long term. I also value financial independence, as greatful as I am for having family support. I also think that this potential position is better, both schedule-wise and career trajectory wise, than anything I could hope to find in my field when job searching after the baby is born. I don't want to end up in a situation where I can only find a job that is really, really not family-friendly (which is the case for many jobs in my field), and have to either turn it down and seek more financial support from my family, or accept it and have no time for my new baby.
Since I have included information about my specific situation, I am open to advice, but I am mainly looking for information about people's experiences with parental leave, how they coped with returning, and what they would do if they could do it all over again.
I'm pregnant (for the first time), due in a few months, and had been planning to leave my job and begin searching for something new six months or so after the baby's arrival. I am fortunate that my family has offered to financially support me and the baby during this time, and that my partner will be providing support as well. However, my current company has mentioned the possibility of continuing in a new position, that is 9-5 and office based (unlike my current job, which has an unpredictable schedule and is field based).
The new position would also be a promotion to supervisor with a pay raise. The commute would be very reasonable, ~25 minutes. Essentially, it's the exact thing that I would be aiming for when searching for a new job after the baby's birth. However, my company only offers the mandatory 12 week unpaid FMLA leave (you must use all accrued time off concurrently), plus one additional unpaid week. This would leave me in the position of working until as soon as possible until the baby is born, and then returning after 3 months. My partner does not work during the days and would be able to do full time childcare upon my immediate return for at least several months, and we could consider our other options long term.
I am in the US, and know that I am "lucky" to have these three months and that many get even less. I am also lucky that I won't need to return to work immediately due to financial necessity, and that I would be leaving the baby with his parent, not a daycare. However, three months sounds very short to me.
I am curious about other people's experience taking leave of approximately this length, as I consider my decision. Was it unbearable to leave the baby? How did you cope? Would you make the same choice if you didn't have to? I do have a history of depression, though I have been feeling healthy for years, so I am curious about people's experiences mental-health wise after returning to work from the "typical" leave. A part of me thinks I'd be crazy to go back to work so soon if I don't have to, since this is a special time that I can never get back and I don't want to shortchange either one of us, or my partner.
However, I know that I want to return to work within a year or so, and continuing to advance professionally and maintain an identity apart from being a mother seems like something that is important for my health and happiness long term. I also value financial independence, as greatful as I am for having family support. I also think that this potential position is better, both schedule-wise and career trajectory wise, than anything I could hope to find in my field when job searching after the baby is born. I don't want to end up in a situation where I can only find a job that is really, really not family-friendly (which is the case for many jobs in my field), and have to either turn it down and seek more financial support from my family, or accept it and have no time for my new baby.
Since I have included information about my specific situation, I am open to advice, but I am mainly looking for information about people's experiences with parental leave, how they coped with returning, and what they would do if they could do it all over again.
I was extraordinarily ready to come back to work after 12 weeks. Some people are very much not. I will be taking slightly longer total this time because my current work offers me the option to stop earlier before my due date, but even though I probably could have the option I am not planning on taking more than 12 weeks after. But I am not a full-time-mom sort of person and I knew that going in.
Either way, though, even if it's hard, it's definitely doable, and leaving the kid with Dad will make it easier. Do make a plan on how you're going to handle pumping and whatnot if you're going to be doing that (there are legal obligations on your employer here). But it's hard to say how you will feel when it's time.
posted by brainmouse at 4:52 PM on June 28, 2017
Either way, though, even if it's hard, it's definitely doable, and leaving the kid with Dad will make it easier. Do make a plan on how you're going to handle pumping and whatnot if you're going to be doing that (there are legal obligations on your employer here). But it's hard to say how you will feel when it's time.
posted by brainmouse at 4:52 PM on June 28, 2017
I worked until 16 weeks, and then went back to work full time. I recognize that 4 weeks is a TON longer in this circumstance, however, my baby was 4 weeks early and came unexpectedly one early evening after I worked a full day. So though I managed to take 4 weeks longer than you're talking about, 4 weeks of that time was with a baby that was well under 6lbs and not to term.
Here are a few things from my experience:
- We had planned for my husband to do fulltime care for 4 weeks after I went back to work but we unexpectedly got a place in a childcare center so we had him do halftime care. In any case, having him care for the baby made it a little easier to go back, so that is a good consideration.
- We had gotten notice that there was a spot in the daycare when the baby was about 10 weeks old and I did go into a weepy hormonal panic about it when it happened. But that was a temporary and not actually very serious.
- The first few days were hard. It's to be expected. I was able to visit during lunch though and that helped.
- Going back to a place you already are familiar with, with people you are already familiar with, is helpful, if you don't hate your job.
- As someone mentioned, going to a situation where the pumping works out well is really really helpful. I (finally, finally) had an office. If you don't have one, see if you can negotiate for an office, even if it's just a temporary thing. Or see if you can have an arrangement with a person with an office who travels a ton.
- To a certain extent, you're in a good situation here - you can accept it now and if, at 9 or 10 weeks, you just know you won't be able to do it, you can tell them you can't come back. Or you can tell them you can't come back until another month later. Or you can tell them you can only come back 3 or 4 days a week. The worst they'll do is tell you that you don't have a job and you'll be in the same situation you'd be if you'd left the job. Although you might burn bridges slightly, most people know that these things are hard to predict.
If you do go back, if you can, try not to start on a Monday, but start on a Wednesday.
posted by vunder at 4:56 PM on June 28, 2017
Here are a few things from my experience:
- We had planned for my husband to do fulltime care for 4 weeks after I went back to work but we unexpectedly got a place in a childcare center so we had him do halftime care. In any case, having him care for the baby made it a little easier to go back, so that is a good consideration.
- We had gotten notice that there was a spot in the daycare when the baby was about 10 weeks old and I did go into a weepy hormonal panic about it when it happened. But that was a temporary and not actually very serious.
- The first few days were hard. It's to be expected. I was able to visit during lunch though and that helped.
- Going back to a place you already are familiar with, with people you are already familiar with, is helpful, if you don't hate your job.
- As someone mentioned, going to a situation where the pumping works out well is really really helpful. I (finally, finally) had an office. If you don't have one, see if you can negotiate for an office, even if it's just a temporary thing. Or see if you can have an arrangement with a person with an office who travels a ton.
- To a certain extent, you're in a good situation here - you can accept it now and if, at 9 or 10 weeks, you just know you won't be able to do it, you can tell them you can't come back. Or you can tell them you can't come back until another month later. Or you can tell them you can only come back 3 or 4 days a week. The worst they'll do is tell you that you don't have a job and you'll be in the same situation you'd be if you'd left the job. Although you might burn bridges slightly, most people know that these things are hard to predict.
If you do go back, if you can, try not to start on a Monday, but start on a Wednesday.
posted by vunder at 4:56 PM on June 28, 2017
I took about 16 weeks and while I feel like a monster saying it, I was ready to go back to work. Honestly, I did not have that much of a hard time dropping my daughter off at daycare. I'm glad we had that time together and our situation is different from most (she came six weeks early, spent the first 16 days of her life in the NICU, etc) but I was ready.
posted by kat518 at 4:57 PM on June 28, 2017
posted by kat518 at 4:57 PM on June 28, 2017
I took roughly 12 weeks for both of my pregnancies. After my first, I spread things out a bit by starting back up part-time from home a few days a week- I found this more stressful then it was worth, to get into that schedule for only a few weeks and then to transition again to go back full-time. After my second, I took pretty much 12 weeks straight. I would have preferred closer to 16-20 weeks, particularly with my first who started daycare right away, but I made do with what I had. My career has grown and my family has not suffered, so I feel comfortable with my choice.
If you do go back, if you can, try not to start on a Monday, but start on a Wednesday. = agreed!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:25 PM on June 28, 2017
If you do go back, if you can, try not to start on a Monday, but start on a Wednesday. = agreed!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:25 PM on June 28, 2017
I was pretty ready to go back, mostly to have a little more structure to my day and to have some non-kid life again. Pumping 2-3 times at work was annoying, and I couldn't stay late to finish work like I used to, but overall it was okay.
Some of it will depend on your baby's quirks, too. My kid was a challenging newborn but mellowed out around 8-10 weeks, just in time for the transition. He also started mostly sleeping through the night around 4-5 months, which helped immensely.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:50 PM on June 28, 2017
Some of it will depend on your baby's quirks, too. My kid was a challenging newborn but mellowed out around 8-10 weeks, just in time for the transition. He also started mostly sleeping through the night around 4-5 months, which helped immensely.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:50 PM on June 28, 2017
I had to go back after three WEEKS. Emotionally, it was not difficult for me because he was with his dad rather than in day care. Getting through the day was hard but honestly easier than taking care of a baby all day (I had a particularly difficult baby).
I had to take over with the baby immediately after getting home because his dad and I were working opposite shifts in order to avoid day care. If you'll be doing this and can afford it, you should pay for a mother's helper/ house cleaner/ meals out if at all possible to avoid exhaustion. (Unless you have an easy baby and a lot of energy!)
posted by metasarah at 5:53 PM on June 28, 2017
I had to take over with the baby immediately after getting home because his dad and I were working opposite shifts in order to avoid day care. If you'll be doing this and can afford it, you should pay for a mother's helper/ house cleaner/ meals out if at all possible to avoid exhaustion. (Unless you have an easy baby and a lot of energy!)
posted by metasarah at 5:53 PM on June 28, 2017
As above, your mileage will definitely vary. For reasons almost entirely unrelated to my pregnancy, I quit my job at ~3 months pregnant. I worked a little of this and a little of that until the baby arrived (I think I had 4 different people/groups I did some work for!). One of the "little of this" turned into a full time job offer that I was able to start when the baby was ~3.5 mos old. My partner was able to be mostly off for the first three months with me (baby's timing lined up well with the academic year). We had family in town to help. I...was super mega intensely stressed until the day when we could finally take our child to daycare, at around 3 months. We had a poor sleeper, he wouldn't nurse for those first three months, I was barely eating, and I don't really know if I was suffering from PPD or it was just sleep dep + hormones + lack of food, but the first day after we left him at daycare I felt....free.
I in no way mean to imply that your situation will be anything like mine ( I hope it isn't!), but I was *ready* to have a clearcut "something to do" that was work-related by three months. I will note that my job, while full-time, was work from home, so while I pumped, it was easy to work in.
posted by annabear at 5:57 PM on June 28, 2017
I in no way mean to imply that your situation will be anything like mine ( I hope it isn't!), but I was *ready* to have a clearcut "something to do" that was work-related by three months. I will note that my job, while full-time, was work from home, so while I pumped, it was easy to work in.
posted by annabear at 5:57 PM on June 28, 2017
I took 8 weeks and the skid marks I left on the driveway from burning rubber back to work are probably still visible. Newborns are boring and intense in equal measure and going to the office felt like a spa holiday in comparison.
How parents feel about returning to work after a parental leave are highly variable, and you may surprise yourself in either direction. I expected to feel really bitter and angry that I only got 8 weeks but as it turns out, not so much. But I also know women who couldn't bear it and wound up quitting, even though they had every intention of continuing to work.
posted by soren_lorensen at 6:01 PM on June 28, 2017
How parents feel about returning to work after a parental leave are highly variable, and you may surprise yourself in either direction. I expected to feel really bitter and angry that I only got 8 weeks but as it turns out, not so much. But I also know women who couldn't bear it and wound up quitting, even though they had every intention of continuing to work.
posted by soren_lorensen at 6:01 PM on June 28, 2017
I took 16 weeks with my first and thought I'd be a wreck going back, but it was fine. I knew I was not cut out to be a stay-at-home mom and I missed my work a lot. We had some BFing struggles, and going back when I did exacerbated those struggles, but I don't necessarily think it would have been easier to keep BFing if I had stayed home longer.
With my second, I wanted to try to have a little more time - partly because the end of my leave was at a delightful time of year to get out and about in the world with a baby - so I negotiated two extra weeks of leave in return for picking up some part-time projects from home while I was on leave. So at about 10 weeks - right about when we'd gotten into a good groove with everything - I started doing a little bit of work from home during nap times and in the evenings after bed time. It was great - I got to start using my brain doing work I enjoy without having to commute or pump, and it relieved a lot of the boredom of being at home with a little baby.
In both cases, I think I could have gone back at 12 weeks and been fine. I liked having the extra time at home, but that was at least as much because I am a homebody (I work from home full-time now and LOVE IT) as it was about time with the babies.
This is a thing you're just not going to really know about yourself until you're there, unfortunately. But don't assume you'll be devastated to go back at 12 weeks. As you can see from a lot of the responses here, many women are ready (and even happy) to go back to work at that point.
posted by devinemissk at 6:06 PM on June 28, 2017
With my second, I wanted to try to have a little more time - partly because the end of my leave was at a delightful time of year to get out and about in the world with a baby - so I negotiated two extra weeks of leave in return for picking up some part-time projects from home while I was on leave. So at about 10 weeks - right about when we'd gotten into a good groove with everything - I started doing a little bit of work from home during nap times and in the evenings after bed time. It was great - I got to start using my brain doing work I enjoy without having to commute or pump, and it relieved a lot of the boredom of being at home with a little baby.
In both cases, I think I could have gone back at 12 weeks and been fine. I liked having the extra time at home, but that was at least as much because I am a homebody (I work from home full-time now and LOVE IT) as it was about time with the babies.
This is a thing you're just not going to really know about yourself until you're there, unfortunately. But don't assume you'll be devastated to go back at 12 weeks. As you can see from a lot of the responses here, many women are ready (and even happy) to go back to work at that point.
posted by devinemissk at 6:06 PM on June 28, 2017
It might be worth asking for an additional 3 months or so of unpaid leave. If they are holding the position for the rest of your pregnancy + 3 months anyway, an extra 3 might not really matter. My workplace (big research university) has about the same maternity policy as yours, but my boss let me take an additional 3 month unpaid "personal leave" because he really wanted me to come back.
For me and my baby, looking back at where we were at 3 months vs 6 months, the extra time made a huge difference. The biggest thing was sleep training at 5.5 months. Before that he was an awful awful awful sleeper at nighttime, and would wake many many times screaming through the early evening and night. Post sleep training he goes to bed at 7. Period. And then I have time to eat dinner, do extra work, get things ready for the next day. It is amazing and I would have gone crazy working without that breather. But some babies are good sleeper at an early age.
The other big thing is that at 6 months he was much more interactive with his environment, playing with toys, etc. For me that makes me feel better about him being at daycare because he's into the stimulation. That's less relevant if your SO will be taking care of your baby though.
posted by permiechickie at 6:10 PM on June 28, 2017
For me and my baby, looking back at where we were at 3 months vs 6 months, the extra time made a huge difference. The biggest thing was sleep training at 5.5 months. Before that he was an awful awful awful sleeper at nighttime, and would wake many many times screaming through the early evening and night. Post sleep training he goes to bed at 7. Period. And then I have time to eat dinner, do extra work, get things ready for the next day. It is amazing and I would have gone crazy working without that breather. But some babies are good sleeper at an early age.
The other big thing is that at 6 months he was much more interactive with his environment, playing with toys, etc. For me that makes me feel better about him being at daycare because he's into the stimulation. That's less relevant if your SO will be taking care of your baby though.
posted by permiechickie at 6:10 PM on June 28, 2017
This really doesn't answer your specific question, but keep in mind that if you take all of your 12 weeks FMLA in one solid chunk, you won't have any days in reserve if you need to take a day off for any reason, if the child becomes ill, for instance. When you do go back to work you might find it easier for both of you to transition more gradually, like three days a week for a few weeks. This will ease you back and ease the separation transition for your child, while extending the actual leave.
posted by citygirl at 6:25 PM on June 28, 2017
posted by citygirl at 6:25 PM on June 28, 2017
I personally was ready to work by 10 weeks or. Everyone is different and its hard to pinpoint how you'll feel until your there.
posted by stormygrey at 6:27 PM on June 28, 2017
posted by stormygrey at 6:27 PM on June 28, 2017
I took 9 weeks and while at the time I felt that I could have used a few more weeks, honestly I think it would have been just as rough going back at 12 weeks. Pumping will make the return to work much harder; in retrospect I could have made things so much easier on myself if I'd used some formula. Also agree to start back on a Wednesday or Thursday, doing a full week right off the bat suuucked.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 6:41 PM on June 28, 2017
posted by rabbitrabbit at 6:41 PM on June 28, 2017
Oh and also it was really nice to have a break from the baby and be around other adults, so in many ways going back to work was a positive for me.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 6:43 PM on June 28, 2017
posted by rabbitrabbit at 6:43 PM on June 28, 2017
I had off for 14 weeks and I was counting down days at about 9 weeks. Maternity leave was physically so exhausting but mentally so..boring. I was like a bat out of hell when it was finally time to go to work. On my first day back, I just SAT at my desk and I was so happy because I could stay seated. I was thrilled to talk to my coworkers and it not be about babies or breastfeeding.
It's a hard schedule because I like to get up with the baby and nurse her but I also want to put her to bed at night. I used to stay at work much later than I do now but it's so exciting to go home and see her. A break makes me love her even more. TLDR: 14 weeks was too long for me and I would have gone back at 9-10 weeks.
posted by duddes02 at 6:50 PM on June 28, 2017
It's a hard schedule because I like to get up with the baby and nurse her but I also want to put her to bed at night. I used to stay at work much later than I do now but it's so exciting to go home and see her. A break makes me love her even more. TLDR: 14 weeks was too long for me and I would have gone back at 9-10 weeks.
posted by duddes02 at 6:50 PM on June 28, 2017
I took an 8 week paid leave and then returned to work 75% time. My husband then had a couple weeks working from home followed by a paternity leave. It was so much easier that I was leaving the baby with his father and not putting into day care at that young age. It was also really good for both baby and father to learn how to deal with each other without me getting in the middle of it.
If you are negotiating, I would go for returning for a few weeks of part-time. That would help everyone get adjusted to your return more gradually and also ease the pressure of sleep deprivation and other baby-fog problems.
posted by metahawk at 7:12 PM on June 28, 2017
If you are negotiating, I would go for returning for a few weeks of part-time. That would help everyone get adjusted to your return more gradually and also ease the pressure of sleep deprivation and other baby-fog problems.
posted by metahawk at 7:12 PM on June 28, 2017
I went back to work after 13 weeks; I had 12 weeks FMLA and took one more week off just so I could start back neatly at the beginning of a new month. Being the family breadwinner and provider of our health insurance at the time, it was never an option for me to take off longer, so I suppose I never really let myself get into a particular mindset of dreading it in the first place, as I always knew I would be going back (plus I liked my job/workplace). I was a little weepy in the few days leading up to it and the first morning after we dropped her off, but more because it yet another big transition to adjust to in what had already been several months of continuous big transitions, not because I was devastated, nor was it unbearable. Mostly I was a little conflicted about our childcare—we were wait-listed for our first choice and had to find stop-gap care for seven weeks until our slot opened up. The stop-gap care was fine, our daughter was perfectly safe, but it was not my first choice. Once we had transitioned to our preferred childcare center, I felt completely at ease with the situation. I loved peeking in at her at the end of the day when I came to pick her up, seeing her being loved on by her teachers and exploring new toys, new friends, new experiences, all kinds of things I couldn't have replicated at home, and the joy in her face when she spotted me was just the BEST feeling.
Pumping 3x a day at work really fucking sucked, though, not gonna lie. Honestly, I thought that part was a million times harder than leaving the baby.
The hard part about having to burn all your PTO to take FMLA is that it leaves you with zero buffer when you go back to work, and buffer is something you need a lot of with a small baby. Babies get sick a lot when they first start daycare, and I felt like I lost a ton of workdays during my daughter's first few months, just covering sick days and taking her to doctor appointments. However, if your partner will be caring for the baby full-time care during the day (presumably at home), it sounds like you will dodge that bullet entirely.
I'm pregnant now with our second child, and I expect I'll take the same 12 weeks. This time around I'll be going back to a job I truly love, plus I have fantastic childcare already in place. No regrets.
posted by anderjen at 7:13 PM on June 28, 2017
Pumping 3x a day at work really fucking sucked, though, not gonna lie. Honestly, I thought that part was a million times harder than leaving the baby.
The hard part about having to burn all your PTO to take FMLA is that it leaves you with zero buffer when you go back to work, and buffer is something you need a lot of with a small baby. Babies get sick a lot when they first start daycare, and I felt like I lost a ton of workdays during my daughter's first few months, just covering sick days and taking her to doctor appointments. However, if your partner will be caring for the baby full-time care during the day (presumably at home), it sounds like you will dodge that bullet entirely.
I'm pregnant now with our second child, and I expect I'll take the same 12 weeks. This time around I'll be going back to a job I truly love, plus I have fantastic childcare already in place. No regrets.
posted by anderjen at 7:13 PM on June 28, 2017
I took 8 weeks and the skid marks I left on the driveway from burning rubber back to work are probably still visible.
I'm just glad someone said it first.
I will say that I didn't have my full mental capacities when I returned after 3 months - I was very slow, had trouble forming sentences etc. But having the mental space away from home was very helpful.
In my case, my husband was home with LO and so I was not sad and did not worry. He is/was an excellent parent.
posted by Toddles at 7:19 PM on June 28, 2017
I'm just glad someone said it first.
I will say that I didn't have my full mental capacities when I returned after 3 months - I was very slow, had trouble forming sentences etc. But having the mental space away from home was very helpful.
In my case, my husband was home with LO and so I was not sad and did not worry. He is/was an excellent parent.
posted by Toddles at 7:19 PM on June 28, 2017
It sounds like a pretty good situation, to get a job that you would hope to get, but at a company that is a known quantity to you, and where you already have established a good reputation.
I went back at 11wks for my first, and at 16wks for my second. I had some trouble with breastfeeding with my second, which was when I learned that I could request that my OB extend my medical leave, as breastfeeding was considered a legit medical concern. So you might consider extending your leave that way.
Yes, leaving my baby sucked, and yes, I wished desperately that I could be a SAHM for that first year. But I knew that the reality of my situation was that I needed to keep that particular job, and that in the long run our financial stability was just as important to the well-being of my kids as being with them was. That was the choice I had to make.
The truth is, no choice is set in stone. You could take that promotion, go back to work at 12wks, try it for a month, decide it just isn't working for you and quit, and then stay at home for another six months. Or, you might find that it does work. If you were planning to look for a new job anyway, there's no harm in trying out this position first. Maybe you can negotiate for an extra month or six weeks of (unpaid) leave to make it a little more palatable.
posted by vignettist at 7:19 PM on June 28, 2017
I went back at 11wks for my first, and at 16wks for my second. I had some trouble with breastfeeding with my second, which was when I learned that I could request that my OB extend my medical leave, as breastfeeding was considered a legit medical concern. So you might consider extending your leave that way.
Yes, leaving my baby sucked, and yes, I wished desperately that I could be a SAHM for that first year. But I knew that the reality of my situation was that I needed to keep that particular job, and that in the long run our financial stability was just as important to the well-being of my kids as being with them was. That was the choice I had to make.
The truth is, no choice is set in stone. You could take that promotion, go back to work at 12wks, try it for a month, decide it just isn't working for you and quit, and then stay at home for another six months. Or, you might find that it does work. If you were planning to look for a new job anyway, there's no harm in trying out this position first. Maybe you can negotiate for an extra month or six weeks of (unpaid) leave to make it a little more palatable.
posted by vignettist at 7:19 PM on June 28, 2017
I had 16 weeks for my first, 14 of which I took at once and two which I used later. I was intellectually / professionally ready to go back by 12, absolutely - was even interviewing st 3 weeks postpartum. I was starving mentally for work to do like a lot of folks are saying, quite early on.
However, my baby was born with health issues (heart defect) which meant feeding, gaining weight, and not getting sick were big challenges day to day and I was unexpectedly grateful for all the time to get into better rhythms, to give our caretaking situation a longer tryout, and to witness and know he was truly getting stronger / more resilient, etc. In that sense, every week mattered to me.
posted by sestaaak at 7:24 PM on June 28, 2017
However, my baby was born with health issues (heart defect) which meant feeding, gaining weight, and not getting sick were big challenges day to day and I was unexpectedly grateful for all the time to get into better rhythms, to give our caretaking situation a longer tryout, and to witness and know he was truly getting stronger / more resilient, etc. In that sense, every week mattered to me.
posted by sestaaak at 7:24 PM on June 28, 2017
I had 12 weeks with both my kids and although I was a little verklempt to go back to work with the first one and not be around him all the time, after a week I was back in the swing of things and happy to be having grownup conversations and drinking a full cup of coffee without interruptions, and my partner was enjoying being with him part-time (he was in day care 3 days a week). There was never any doubt that I'd go back since I was by far the primary breadwinner at the time. With #2 I wasn't even verklempt--I was ready to go back.
I will say that in an ideal world I probably would have taken 6 months off if I could have done that without serious harm to my budget or my career, because one of the annoying things about going back at 3 months is that babies are really just starting to get interesting and interactive at that point. However, I don't feel that I missed out on vital bonding time or anything like that.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 7:42 PM on June 28, 2017
I will say that in an ideal world I probably would have taken 6 months off if I could have done that without serious harm to my budget or my career, because one of the annoying things about going back at 3 months is that babies are really just starting to get interesting and interactive at that point. However, I don't feel that I missed out on vital bonding time or anything like that.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 7:42 PM on June 28, 2017
I went back to work after 12 weeks, and my spouse stayed home with the baby for 3 months. I was definitely ready for adult interaction at that point, and spouse was able to bring the baby to me at lunchtime so we all got to see each other, which was nice for all of us. I'd nurse her at lunch, and then she usually fell asleep in the car on the drive home.
Nthing the advice to start back in the middle of the week; I went back on a Thursday, and it worked out well for all of us.
posted by mogget at 7:55 PM on June 28, 2017
Nthing the advice to start back in the middle of the week; I went back on a Thursday, and it worked out well for all of us.
posted by mogget at 7:55 PM on June 28, 2017
I went back at 5.5 months, and it was difficult for me. In my ideal world, I'd probably work 3-4h / day x 5 days / week. If I knew my career would still be there I probably would quit until this child and (universe willing) a second were in preschool. But every dyad is different. This baby breastfed near constantly in the early days; we co-sleep, etc.
posted by slidell at 8:37 PM on June 28, 2017
posted by slidell at 8:37 PM on June 28, 2017
I also was super ready to return at 12 weeks. Two things were bad. One, pumping. Two, fatigue. I nearly fell asleep at the wheel twice on my evening commute due to baby night wakings. Hopefully you can negotiate night duties with your partner or take transit to stay safe at the wheel!
posted by crazycanuck at 9:53 PM on June 28, 2017
posted by crazycanuck at 9:53 PM on June 28, 2017
I took a little over seven weeks because it was unpaid and it was hard in some ways but I was also ready, by then, to go back to work. I also started back on a Thursday which was a great choice. My kiddo is in daycare and of course I miss her during the day and spend a lot of time popping into random offices to say "I miss my kraken. Want to see a picture?" but overall I'm glad to have a life outside of having a baby even though I really love being a mom.
You mention worrying about mental health stuff; I I have struggled with bipolar including serious depression for many years and I had no issues with postpartum depression at all, which was a huge relief! I was chock full of hormones for the first four or five days after giving birth and cried easily and did not have a great sense of proportion but things evened out reasonably quickly. I mean, don't be shocked if you find yourself sobbing in the middle of the night because your baby is just so wonderful and no one will ever love or understand it like you do because it's so precious and you only need each other and everyone else can go to hell as this has definitely happened to some of us, but it wasn't an indication of a long-term issue for me, just short-term sleep deprivation and ALL THE FEELINGS. If you do have any issues with depression, you already know what to look out for so you can catch it early instead of just feeling awful and not realizing what's happening. If anything, going back to work helped me because it meant that my days had some structure and I was interacting with other adults.
Very best wishes with whatever you choose!
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 7:20 AM on June 29, 2017
You mention worrying about mental health stuff; I I have struggled with bipolar including serious depression for many years and I had no issues with postpartum depression at all, which was a huge relief! I was chock full of hormones for the first four or five days after giving birth and cried easily and did not have a great sense of proportion but things evened out reasonably quickly. I mean, don't be shocked if you find yourself sobbing in the middle of the night because your baby is just so wonderful and no one will ever love or understand it like you do because it's so precious and you only need each other and everyone else can go to hell as this has definitely happened to some of us, but it wasn't an indication of a long-term issue for me, just short-term sleep deprivation and ALL THE FEELINGS. If you do have any issues with depression, you already know what to look out for so you can catch it early instead of just feeling awful and not realizing what's happening. If anything, going back to work helped me because it meant that my days had some structure and I was interacting with other adults.
Very best wishes with whatever you choose!
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 7:20 AM on June 29, 2017
I went back to work at about 14 weeks post partum. It was OK. I was hourly, so that made it a bit easier to do part time for a week or so and ease back into things. I didn’t have an optimal pumping set up (single user restroom, but very clean) but that went pretty smoothly. The baby adapted to daycare just fine. More time at home would have been amazing, but a friend of mine gave me some advice that resonated with me, and speaks directly to this worry of yours:
part of me thinks I'd be crazy to go back to work so soon if I don't have to, since this is a special time that I can never get back
She said (online, so I can give you the actual quote), “babies just need love and attention and any good caregiver will provide that. I'd work more now and less later, as long as you have a caregiver who you believe will give your baby the attention they need. When they are older (think kindergarten), that is when they need you to be home when they are. Esp when they hit middle school and older they need your guidance to make good choices.”
I’m finding that to be so true. It’s *all* a special time. Later, when our daughter was about 18 months, we moved for my husband’s job and I was out of work for 3 months and home with her. I don’t think I would trade those 3 months for 6 continuous months of maternity leave. In fact, if I could take a few months every few years, that would be perfect… Although I won’t, because I have a great job now. Like vignettist says, if you were planning to look for a new job anyway, there's no harm in trying out this position first.
posted by Kriesa at 7:23 AM on June 29, 2017
part of me thinks I'd be crazy to go back to work so soon if I don't have to, since this is a special time that I can never get back
She said (online, so I can give you the actual quote), “babies just need love and attention and any good caregiver will provide that. I'd work more now and less later, as long as you have a caregiver who you believe will give your baby the attention they need. When they are older (think kindergarten), that is when they need you to be home when they are. Esp when they hit middle school and older they need your guidance to make good choices.”
I’m finding that to be so true. It’s *all* a special time. Later, when our daughter was about 18 months, we moved for my husband’s job and I was out of work for 3 months and home with her. I don’t think I would trade those 3 months for 6 continuous months of maternity leave. In fact, if I could take a few months every few years, that would be perfect… Although I won’t, because I have a great job now. Like vignettist says, if you were planning to look for a new job anyway, there's no harm in trying out this position first.
posted by Kriesa at 7:23 AM on June 29, 2017
This is still pretty fresh for me, as my baby is 10 months old now. My situation was similar to yours in that I got 12 weeks leave and then my husband was the caregiver during the day once I went back. He works from home with flexible hours, so our plan was for him to work evenings and weekends while I worked 9-5 M-F.
Because I was leaving her with her dad, who is an excellent caregiver, I didn't feel guilty or emotional in that way. However, 12 weeks felt extremely tiny. If we didn't have the flexible schedule situation we did, I would have struggled with leaving her with someone else. It really brought home to me how insane our country's system is around parental leave.
Something I haven't seen other people mention: I did feel sad to leave her and miss out on most of her waking hours, especially because three months is also when they are getting really interested in the world and starting to interact and be really fun. Of course I was so happy my husband could be there, but honestly I also felt envious that he was getting more waking time with her. He was the one that worked on her sleep routine for naps, he took her to the park to swing for the first time, he was the one that went to the new parent group with her etc. Before I went back I was the "primary" caregiver even though he was very involved. It has of course been great to have them bond with each other, but I have had a little bit of an ego struggle letting go of the idea that I should have all the answers and be the primary parent, and I have sometimes worried that she will be closer to him since they get to spend so much time together. It's especially interesting because I have always wanted kids and had had a lot of experience caregiving before becoming a mom, where he hadn't had much experience or thought much about being a dad before being with me--so it's not really "fair" that he gets to be the one at home.
Another related issue--some things have been difficult for my husband, and it's sometimes hard for me to be sympathetic to him when I am simultaneously jealous that he gets to spend so much time with her. It totally makes sense that it's hard to be with her all day M-F and then work from home on top of that, and he has felt isolated and stressed out at times--but it can be hard to hear him complain about that when I didn't have the option to stay with her because of dependence on my job for income and health insurance. We did get to the point recently where we decided to get a nanny two days a week since the situation wasn't sustainable long term. It's hard to balance work and care, and it was difficult to never have a time when one of us was responsible for being there. It can feel like every second of your day is taken by your responsibilities with no down time.
As others have said, pumping is a huge pain--much more so than I realized before I had to do it. I love breastfeeding, which makes this inconvenient process even more obnoxious since it's replacing what would have been sweet bonding time. If it's possible for your partner to bring the baby to you for a lunchtime meal, that is really nice--especially when you first go back. Depending on your workplace, if it's possible to negotiate easing yourself back in by starting with 3 day weeks or doing some work from home and gradually shifting to full time, that really helped me. I just wasn't in full gear when I first came back. Even though I like my job and believe my work is making a positive impact, it was hard to shift focus and care about the day to day work things when competing with such a momentous life event. In my experience, what seems important has shifted. As others mentioned, I no longer will stay late at work unless absolutely necessary.
Good luck with your planning, and I hope everything goes smoothly with these transitions! My husband and I have sort of played everything by ear and it has mostly worked out. I think it's good to remember that you can always quit if it just doesn't work for your family and you will be in the same position you would have been in. It's so great you have that flexibility!
posted by ialwayscryatendings at 9:20 AM on June 29, 2017
Because I was leaving her with her dad, who is an excellent caregiver, I didn't feel guilty or emotional in that way. However, 12 weeks felt extremely tiny. If we didn't have the flexible schedule situation we did, I would have struggled with leaving her with someone else. It really brought home to me how insane our country's system is around parental leave.
Something I haven't seen other people mention: I did feel sad to leave her and miss out on most of her waking hours, especially because three months is also when they are getting really interested in the world and starting to interact and be really fun. Of course I was so happy my husband could be there, but honestly I also felt envious that he was getting more waking time with her. He was the one that worked on her sleep routine for naps, he took her to the park to swing for the first time, he was the one that went to the new parent group with her etc. Before I went back I was the "primary" caregiver even though he was very involved. It has of course been great to have them bond with each other, but I have had a little bit of an ego struggle letting go of the idea that I should have all the answers and be the primary parent, and I have sometimes worried that she will be closer to him since they get to spend so much time together. It's especially interesting because I have always wanted kids and had had a lot of experience caregiving before becoming a mom, where he hadn't had much experience or thought much about being a dad before being with me--so it's not really "fair" that he gets to be the one at home.
Another related issue--some things have been difficult for my husband, and it's sometimes hard for me to be sympathetic to him when I am simultaneously jealous that he gets to spend so much time with her. It totally makes sense that it's hard to be with her all day M-F and then work from home on top of that, and he has felt isolated and stressed out at times--but it can be hard to hear him complain about that when I didn't have the option to stay with her because of dependence on my job for income and health insurance. We did get to the point recently where we decided to get a nanny two days a week since the situation wasn't sustainable long term. It's hard to balance work and care, and it was difficult to never have a time when one of us was responsible for being there. It can feel like every second of your day is taken by your responsibilities with no down time.
As others have said, pumping is a huge pain--much more so than I realized before I had to do it. I love breastfeeding, which makes this inconvenient process even more obnoxious since it's replacing what would have been sweet bonding time. If it's possible for your partner to bring the baby to you for a lunchtime meal, that is really nice--especially when you first go back. Depending on your workplace, if it's possible to negotiate easing yourself back in by starting with 3 day weeks or doing some work from home and gradually shifting to full time, that really helped me. I just wasn't in full gear when I first came back. Even though I like my job and believe my work is making a positive impact, it was hard to shift focus and care about the day to day work things when competing with such a momentous life event. In my experience, what seems important has shifted. As others mentioned, I no longer will stay late at work unless absolutely necessary.
Good luck with your planning, and I hope everything goes smoothly with these transitions! My husband and I have sort of played everything by ear and it has mostly worked out. I think it's good to remember that you can always quit if it just doesn't work for your family and you will be in the same position you would have been in. It's so great you have that flexibility!
posted by ialwayscryatendings at 9:20 AM on June 29, 2017
Looks like you got a lot of good and varied advice here. Someone told me when my kid was born "the days are long but the years are short" and I have found that to be very true. Three months seemed very long to me when I was on maternity leave, and I could not wait to get back to work.
I felt then like I feel now, 10 years later - sometimes I am desperate just to get home to lay eyes on his face, and sometimes I can't back out of the driveway fast enough. That never changes.
posted by lyssabee at 9:40 AM on June 29, 2017
I felt then like I feel now, 10 years later - sometimes I am desperate just to get home to lay eyes on his face, and sometimes I can't back out of the driveway fast enough. That never changes.
posted by lyssabee at 9:40 AM on June 29, 2017
I went back after 11 weeks to a job that was more like 7:30 to 6 plus weekends, and there is no disputing that it was tough, but do-able. Now, almost 3 years later and in a much less demanding job situation, I think that getting the kid adjusted to other caretakers relatively early and regaining some semblance of a normal non-baby routine was a net positive. Because my work hours were so bad, it was also a great bonding period for kiddo and my husband, and they are still thick as thieves.
The one big asterisk I'd put on all of this is that I had an emergency C-section and didn't find a ton of help once we were home and my husband was back at work (he had less than 2 weeks off). The recovery left me feeling at the time like I was "robbed" of a biiig chunk of maternity leave -- the first few weeks, I was still in considerable pain, couldn't drive, and was just slogging through days with an unhappy little stranger in tow. At the top of the "would have done differently/will do differently next time" category would be better contingency plans for a Caesarean or other unexpected wrinkle. It sounds like you're pretty stable financially, and this is definitely a time to buy help if it's not otherwise available -- pre-made meals, an extra set of hands around the house, etc. can make you feel MUCH more human both during leave and in the transition back to work.
Good luck!
posted by LadyInWaiting at 1:39 PM on June 29, 2017
The one big asterisk I'd put on all of this is that I had an emergency C-section and didn't find a ton of help once we were home and my husband was back at work (he had less than 2 weeks off). The recovery left me feeling at the time like I was "robbed" of a biiig chunk of maternity leave -- the first few weeks, I was still in considerable pain, couldn't drive, and was just slogging through days with an unhappy little stranger in tow. At the top of the "would have done differently/will do differently next time" category would be better contingency plans for a Caesarean or other unexpected wrinkle. It sounds like you're pretty stable financially, and this is definitely a time to buy help if it's not otherwise available -- pre-made meals, an extra set of hands around the house, etc. can make you feel MUCH more human both during leave and in the transition back to work.
Good luck!
posted by LadyInWaiting at 1:39 PM on June 29, 2017
Belated thanks to everyone for sharing their experiences. It's given me the confidence to at least begin pursuing the new position, and continuing to see how I feel moving forward. My partner is from a European country with radically more generous leave policies, I was raised by a SAHM, and I'm the first in my cohort to start a family... I was really lacking in stories from people who have lived through a more "typical" US maternity leave situation, so these perspectives were much-needed.
posted by sometamegazelle at 7:40 PM on July 18, 2017
posted by sometamegazelle at 7:40 PM on July 18, 2017
This thread is closed to new comments.
One thing I will say is that as a breastfeeding mom, having a great situation for pumping was key to going back to work so early. If I'd been dealing with a less-ideal situation, I might have quit breastfeeding, because pumping is not particularly fun.
posted by freezer cake at 4:47 PM on June 28, 2017