Don't know what to do in moving situation, think I hurt my best friend
April 2, 2017 3:06 PM Subscribe
My best friend has to move out of her current apartment she's renting from a friend as her and his girlfriend will be moving into the place in the beginning of May.
My friend has a ton of life stress going on right now (quit her 9-5 day job that was making her extremely unhappy and now pursuing her dream career with has a pretty uncertain future as of now (think arts & entertainment). She's living here far away from her small family who all live in Europe; went through a divorce serval years ago that was emotionally neglectful/mean hearted; dealing with episodes of depression that I have been doing all I can to be there for her whenever she needs me. I also deal with depression & have been through a lot of very heavy events in the last few years, so I completely understand her phlight.
She's living at a friend owned apartment right now and has to leave as her friend is now deciding to move back in. She's been looking everywhere for a place to live but has become so extremely frustrated and exhausted as there don't seem to be any decent places to live within her price range, which is actually a very good and moderately high price point. She'd been very frustrated after a month of looking, and I have been helping her too; looking for apartments for her every night after work and going house hunting with her and taking of work some days to make sure she wasn't going alone. We also really want to move in together & be roommates by the end of the year, as she doesn't like living alone & I am planning on leaving my current home situation. We get along really well and she is the most trustworthy, sweet and caring person I know. We're both very sensitive people and understand that dynamic in each other and have a ton of common interests (hence, why she is my best friend who I love so dearly).
On a day I couldn't go with her house hunting, she found a place in Los Angeles and impulsively decided to put a down payment on it. She told me what the name of the place was and I went to check the reviews, I found that a very serious crime had just happened in the unit next hers several months ago that was still undergoing investigation and was even all broadcast all over the news, and that illegal activities were rampant in the complex. Safety is extremely important to her and being in a good neighborhood, as she has been a victim of a very scary crime in the past in her home country. She was horrified and called to get her money back, which thankful she was able to.
After feeling defeated she continued searching (her sister is now visiting and helping her look, but she doesn't speak English, or know any of the neighborhoods around here or how safe they are).
I wasn't able to go looking with them one day, but was still online looking for places for her on any breaks I got from work. She been looking to be either by the beach or in Los Angeles which are places she both loves. She had been recently jerked around by an apartment complex by the beach that she really liked, as they told her she would probably have the property, but then didn't respond back to her emails and calls and made her wait until she finally found they had other offers and just rented the unit, to which they had originally told her she was the only applicant. This understandably made her very depressed).
She found another in Los Angeles that she really liked and it had good reviews and newer appliances and other conditions. I had also just sent her a link that day to a place I found at the beach which looked great from the pictures, but didn't have pictures of inside the apartment itself. I told her that it looked really really great from the outside and that she should definitely go and see it, and see what inside the place looked like. She went with her sister and told me the place was an older building and didn't look that great from the outside and that they almost didn't go in becaus of that, and said the hallways were a bit ghetto as well, but the apartment inside had a beautiful view of the ocean and was very bright. I told her to go with that one them, since she had been so tired of looking and seemed to like the place, especially the view. She also knows I want to live close to the beach as we both do a lot of water sports, so I think this was also a big factor in her taking this coastal place instead of the bigger place with newer appliances and new carpet.
The real estate agent kind of gave her a run around (but not as bad as the other beach house location), saying there were other offers and the landlord wanted to wait for a while and see what application he liked the best. My friend told the realtor to please send her application to the landlord as she needs to move very quickly and likes the place, so she did and my friend got the apartment, which is a good amount over her budget and had to borrow some money from her family to get it- also with a very large down payment that made her very nervous. Her and her sister and I got together and celebrated, and they seemed to be happy with the place (her sister has been so concerned with her living here by herself and the whole family has been very worried about her).
I went with her to to sign the papers in the morning, and she asked me as we were walking up to the front door "what if it's not good and you don't like it" (since we will be living together in the next couple of months). I said as long as it's decent inside and you said it has a nice beach view it should be good, and since she's takes great care of herself and likes a certain standard of living (as well as her family does) I didn't even think twice about that statement. Especially since her sister was so happy she found a place and was going to be moving in there.
When we got there, the outside looked pretty old and a little neglected, but manageable. When we got inside was a different story. The halls had very old, dark, and somewhat smelly carpet and the doors to the units where a very old and sort of decrepit looking dark word. The inside was small but had a sizable balcony, but the kitchen was very tiny had very old 1970's bright orange countertops and very old appliances, and a oven hood that looked extremely poor (and bright orange) and possibly not even working (the realtor said she didn't know if it was hooked up).
The carpet was not clean and quite old, and the apartment itself was very very cold inside (it has a heater but the covers for the thermostat are literally from 1974 when it was built), the bathroom had the same orange countertops and a sink that was cracked with a bit of mold coming out that the realtor said she was going to replace immediately. Tub wasn't that great either.
All this time my friend is looking at me to see what I think, and I know her and her sister were so excited to finally find a place. I also know my friend finally went with the beach location because she knows that's what I want too and she wants me to move in. She kept giving me this worried look and mouthed "what did I think" (all while the realtor was staring at me and talking to her the whole time). She got me alone for 20 seconds and I told her a lot of the things in her are really old and it's pretty small. I could tell she was getting either frustrated, anxious, or disappointed in the situation or in me, and asked if she should sign or not and what I thought. I said it's not bad, but has a lot of things that badly need fixing/updating and is kinda small. She looked at me with this frustrated panic look, and I couldn't tell if she was mad at me or would be since she had been so frustrated with trying to find houses and having ones she liked be rented just after she saw them, and would get angry if I told her maybe not to sign it right now. I hadn't seen the place before in person myself which was stupid of me, and I felt extremely on the spot by my friend and the realtor. She signed. She's originally from a warm climate and gets extremely cold easily, and as we were walking around the complex (which does have a pretty decent pool and gym) she was freezing and said it was cold there (about 60 degrees) and the winter will be hard to get through.
We got some lunch and she got a little depressed and said she thinks she might have made the wrong decision, and started to feel like crying. She drove me by another apartment that she went to see but just had originally driven by and couldn't go in, as it wasn't being shown yet. This place was absolutely beautiful, and in such a nice, extremely well kept neighborhood, close to the beach. She said she didn't want to drive me by it, because what if I liked it better. I couldn't believe that she had picked the other location over this one, I was going off her judgement in the matter, and was pretty taken aback, but tried not to show my concern. She immediately picked up on it (and also picked up on my dismay at the beachouse apartment with the old fixtures and buildings). She has to move pretty quickly so I understand wanting to make a decision now.
Driving back I tried to be supportive and tell her that the surrounding areas were very nice, as I could see she was feeling a bit like "this area is a little trashy, what did I just do", so I tried to point out the positives and be positive myself. On the way home she started asking "what's wrong" and that I seemed very off, which I was trying not to be. Things then got a little strained in our communication, and I'm not good with on the spot situations in general, and felt like I got her to live in a place that is not so good and maybe not the location she really wanted because I was leaning more towards the beach and she was factoring that in heavily.
Later that day I looked up the house we drove by that was beautiful and saw a unit listed just a few houses down that is absolutely beautiful, inside and out. Completely updated appliances (pretty much a chef's kitchen which she loves), very new carpet, great big rooms and much bigger than the one she just signed for. Just a 5 minute drive down to the beach or a short bike ride, and the exact same price of the one she just signed for.
I called the listing and they said it's available in May, and that no one has applied for it and they have no one waiting to get it, and it would go to the 1st person who's application cleared which would only take a day. When we drove past this house originally
earlier that day, she said this was ranked one of the safest neighborhoods to live. Down where the apartment she signed the lease with there were a good amount of homeless people strewing about, which I saw she didn't like and made her very weary of what she just signed.
After she kept asking what was wrong and not taking what I said as the truth,
I reluctantly told her about the other house as I was almost certain she would get mad, and she did and got really angry at me. She said she asked me what I thought of the place before she signed the lease and that I told her it was really great (I didn't say that), and to go for it (I did say it's not too bad, and asked what she thought, and if she liked it to do it), and that I should've said something to her before she signed. I told her she seemed like she would get mad and disappointed in me if I told not to do it, since she had been looking for a place for so long and was over it all, and also that her sister had seemed so happy for her to move there. She said she was also moving there instead of LA a bit more with me in mind because I wanted to be closer to the beach and not so much LA.
Now she's super angry at me, and I think I screwed everything up for her. She was having such a hard time and I was helping her and she wouldn't even have saw this place if I didn't send it to her and she would've probably gone with the LA one. She then angrily asked me what to do and I said we can go see the other place in the beautiful neighborhood and I think you can break your lease if you haven't moved in, but I'm not even sure how easy that is- I looked it up and it says that the property can keep your deposit (which was a lot of money..) and use it until they rent the unit and state law says they have to try and rent it as quickly as possible. My friend angrily said "ok fine, if you can get my deposit back from the realtor, void my agreement and secure the other place, then yeah, fine". She then said she didn't want to talk to me and hung up.
When we were at the property she signed for, she was saying to the realtor that she wanted her to ask the landlord to do certain upgrades like replacing the 1970's bright orange kitchen and bathroom countertops, the extremely old oven hood, and a few other things. My friend will be having important people over in the entertainment industry, and she told this to the realtor and said that these issues are really bad and she can't have people like that coming in and seeing this. The realtor agreed and said she would ask the landlord, but wasn't sure if they would do any of this (she asked this after she signed the agreement, only after I started asking if things could be updated and that I could even buy the items myself and put them in if need be).
After telling my friend what I was thinking after she kept asking me and wouldn't stop, even when I tried to change/avoid the subject. Now she is extremely mad at me. She doesn't want to talk to me right now at all, and I feel extremely guilty that I didn't think fast enough in a situation I wasn't expecting (I thought the place would be good from what she said, and how her sister was so happy), and that I didn't tell her not to sign the lease as I felt so on the spot and that I thought she would've probably gotten so frustrated with me and start feeling really down again. I also feel like a complete jerk for telling her about the other place that I know she will be much happier in and has all of the things she's looking for.
I think she'll be happy being outdoors at the place she signed for (the other property in the beautiful neighborhood is extremely close to the beach too though, as well). I think when she comes home she will become very unhappy living in this little place with the extremely outdated appliances and old carpet and other issues.
I feel like a dick for opening my mouth about the other property, but she kept asking me to tell her what was wrong. I don't even know if it's even a possibility to get out of a lease you just signed, or even how hard that may be? I don't think the realtor has cashed the check yet as it was done on the weekend.
I also don't know if my friend was mad when she said "go get my deposit back and rent the other place, and I will go there then", or if she really wants me to do that. She won't talk about it, and won't even look at the pictures of the other place (as I think she knows it looks really nice and what she wants, and will feel bad for signing the 1 year agreement with the older beachouse). She did say that her family is very happy for her and why can't I be too. I had already been emailing her new fixtures I said I could buy to put in old beachouse she signed with to make it look better, and also looking up other stuff to make the place look nice and telling her about it- all this before she kept asking what was wrong and said I seemed "off" (which I really wasn't trying to be), which I then told her about the other place I saw. She got very upset and that after telling her about the other place that I wasn't being supportive and I was only thinking about myself and not about her at all, and got angry at me.
I feel like a jerk. My friend doesnt want to talk as she said she's very upset right now. She moves on Wednesday and wanted me to help now I don't know if she even wants to see me. I feel like I messed everything up, and if it wasn't for me, she would be happy right now in Los Angeles. The older beachouse could be okay/little better, if things are updated.
I feel I really hurt my friend. This all happened so fast, I feel so bad now and I'm not sure what to do now or how to apologize to my friend and get over this. The last thing in the world I ever wanted to do is hurt my best friend. I feel so miserable right now, and don't know how to fix things with my best friend in the world.
My friend has a ton of life stress going on right now (quit her 9-5 day job that was making her extremely unhappy and now pursuing her dream career with has a pretty uncertain future as of now (think arts & entertainment). She's living here far away from her small family who all live in Europe; went through a divorce serval years ago that was emotionally neglectful/mean hearted; dealing with episodes of depression that I have been doing all I can to be there for her whenever she needs me. I also deal with depression & have been through a lot of very heavy events in the last few years, so I completely understand her phlight.
She's living at a friend owned apartment right now and has to leave as her friend is now deciding to move back in. She's been looking everywhere for a place to live but has become so extremely frustrated and exhausted as there don't seem to be any decent places to live within her price range, which is actually a very good and moderately high price point. She'd been very frustrated after a month of looking, and I have been helping her too; looking for apartments for her every night after work and going house hunting with her and taking of work some days to make sure she wasn't going alone. We also really want to move in together & be roommates by the end of the year, as she doesn't like living alone & I am planning on leaving my current home situation. We get along really well and she is the most trustworthy, sweet and caring person I know. We're both very sensitive people and understand that dynamic in each other and have a ton of common interests (hence, why she is my best friend who I love so dearly).
On a day I couldn't go with her house hunting, she found a place in Los Angeles and impulsively decided to put a down payment on it. She told me what the name of the place was and I went to check the reviews, I found that a very serious crime had just happened in the unit next hers several months ago that was still undergoing investigation and was even all broadcast all over the news, and that illegal activities were rampant in the complex. Safety is extremely important to her and being in a good neighborhood, as she has been a victim of a very scary crime in the past in her home country. She was horrified and called to get her money back, which thankful she was able to.
After feeling defeated she continued searching (her sister is now visiting and helping her look, but she doesn't speak English, or know any of the neighborhoods around here or how safe they are).
I wasn't able to go looking with them one day, but was still online looking for places for her on any breaks I got from work. She been looking to be either by the beach or in Los Angeles which are places she both loves. She had been recently jerked around by an apartment complex by the beach that she really liked, as they told her she would probably have the property, but then didn't respond back to her emails and calls and made her wait until she finally found they had other offers and just rented the unit, to which they had originally told her she was the only applicant. This understandably made her very depressed).
She found another in Los Angeles that she really liked and it had good reviews and newer appliances and other conditions. I had also just sent her a link that day to a place I found at the beach which looked great from the pictures, but didn't have pictures of inside the apartment itself. I told her that it looked really really great from the outside and that she should definitely go and see it, and see what inside the place looked like. She went with her sister and told me the place was an older building and didn't look that great from the outside and that they almost didn't go in becaus of that, and said the hallways were a bit ghetto as well, but the apartment inside had a beautiful view of the ocean and was very bright. I told her to go with that one them, since she had been so tired of looking and seemed to like the place, especially the view. She also knows I want to live close to the beach as we both do a lot of water sports, so I think this was also a big factor in her taking this coastal place instead of the bigger place with newer appliances and new carpet.
The real estate agent kind of gave her a run around (but not as bad as the other beach house location), saying there were other offers and the landlord wanted to wait for a while and see what application he liked the best. My friend told the realtor to please send her application to the landlord as she needs to move very quickly and likes the place, so she did and my friend got the apartment, which is a good amount over her budget and had to borrow some money from her family to get it- also with a very large down payment that made her very nervous. Her and her sister and I got together and celebrated, and they seemed to be happy with the place (her sister has been so concerned with her living here by herself and the whole family has been very worried about her).
I went with her to to sign the papers in the morning, and she asked me as we were walking up to the front door "what if it's not good and you don't like it" (since we will be living together in the next couple of months). I said as long as it's decent inside and you said it has a nice beach view it should be good, and since she's takes great care of herself and likes a certain standard of living (as well as her family does) I didn't even think twice about that statement. Especially since her sister was so happy she found a place and was going to be moving in there.
When we got there, the outside looked pretty old and a little neglected, but manageable. When we got inside was a different story. The halls had very old, dark, and somewhat smelly carpet and the doors to the units where a very old and sort of decrepit looking dark word. The inside was small but had a sizable balcony, but the kitchen was very tiny had very old 1970's bright orange countertops and very old appliances, and a oven hood that looked extremely poor (and bright orange) and possibly not even working (the realtor said she didn't know if it was hooked up).
The carpet was not clean and quite old, and the apartment itself was very very cold inside (it has a heater but the covers for the thermostat are literally from 1974 when it was built), the bathroom had the same orange countertops and a sink that was cracked with a bit of mold coming out that the realtor said she was going to replace immediately. Tub wasn't that great either.
All this time my friend is looking at me to see what I think, and I know her and her sister were so excited to finally find a place. I also know my friend finally went with the beach location because she knows that's what I want too and she wants me to move in. She kept giving me this worried look and mouthed "what did I think" (all while the realtor was staring at me and talking to her the whole time). She got me alone for 20 seconds and I told her a lot of the things in her are really old and it's pretty small. I could tell she was getting either frustrated, anxious, or disappointed in the situation or in me, and asked if she should sign or not and what I thought. I said it's not bad, but has a lot of things that badly need fixing/updating and is kinda small. She looked at me with this frustrated panic look, and I couldn't tell if she was mad at me or would be since she had been so frustrated with trying to find houses and having ones she liked be rented just after she saw them, and would get angry if I told her maybe not to sign it right now. I hadn't seen the place before in person myself which was stupid of me, and I felt extremely on the spot by my friend and the realtor. She signed. She's originally from a warm climate and gets extremely cold easily, and as we were walking around the complex (which does have a pretty decent pool and gym) she was freezing and said it was cold there (about 60 degrees) and the winter will be hard to get through.
We got some lunch and she got a little depressed and said she thinks she might have made the wrong decision, and started to feel like crying. She drove me by another apartment that she went to see but just had originally driven by and couldn't go in, as it wasn't being shown yet. This place was absolutely beautiful, and in such a nice, extremely well kept neighborhood, close to the beach. She said she didn't want to drive me by it, because what if I liked it better. I couldn't believe that she had picked the other location over this one, I was going off her judgement in the matter, and was pretty taken aback, but tried not to show my concern. She immediately picked up on it (and also picked up on my dismay at the beachouse apartment with the old fixtures and buildings). She has to move pretty quickly so I understand wanting to make a decision now.
Driving back I tried to be supportive and tell her that the surrounding areas were very nice, as I could see she was feeling a bit like "this area is a little trashy, what did I just do", so I tried to point out the positives and be positive myself. On the way home she started asking "what's wrong" and that I seemed very off, which I was trying not to be. Things then got a little strained in our communication, and I'm not good with on the spot situations in general, and felt like I got her to live in a place that is not so good and maybe not the location she really wanted because I was leaning more towards the beach and she was factoring that in heavily.
Later that day I looked up the house we drove by that was beautiful and saw a unit listed just a few houses down that is absolutely beautiful, inside and out. Completely updated appliances (pretty much a chef's kitchen which she loves), very new carpet, great big rooms and much bigger than the one she just signed for. Just a 5 minute drive down to the beach or a short bike ride, and the exact same price of the one she just signed for.
I called the listing and they said it's available in May, and that no one has applied for it and they have no one waiting to get it, and it would go to the 1st person who's application cleared which would only take a day. When we drove past this house originally
earlier that day, she said this was ranked one of the safest neighborhoods to live. Down where the apartment she signed the lease with there were a good amount of homeless people strewing about, which I saw she didn't like and made her very weary of what she just signed.
After she kept asking what was wrong and not taking what I said as the truth,
I reluctantly told her about the other house as I was almost certain she would get mad, and she did and got really angry at me. She said she asked me what I thought of the place before she signed the lease and that I told her it was really great (I didn't say that), and to go for it (I did say it's not too bad, and asked what she thought, and if she liked it to do it), and that I should've said something to her before she signed. I told her she seemed like she would get mad and disappointed in me if I told not to do it, since she had been looking for a place for so long and was over it all, and also that her sister had seemed so happy for her to move there. She said she was also moving there instead of LA a bit more with me in mind because I wanted to be closer to the beach and not so much LA.
Now she's super angry at me, and I think I screwed everything up for her. She was having such a hard time and I was helping her and she wouldn't even have saw this place if I didn't send it to her and she would've probably gone with the LA one. She then angrily asked me what to do and I said we can go see the other place in the beautiful neighborhood and I think you can break your lease if you haven't moved in, but I'm not even sure how easy that is- I looked it up and it says that the property can keep your deposit (which was a lot of money..) and use it until they rent the unit and state law says they have to try and rent it as quickly as possible. My friend angrily said "ok fine, if you can get my deposit back from the realtor, void my agreement and secure the other place, then yeah, fine". She then said she didn't want to talk to me and hung up.
When we were at the property she signed for, she was saying to the realtor that she wanted her to ask the landlord to do certain upgrades like replacing the 1970's bright orange kitchen and bathroom countertops, the extremely old oven hood, and a few other things. My friend will be having important people over in the entertainment industry, and she told this to the realtor and said that these issues are really bad and she can't have people like that coming in and seeing this. The realtor agreed and said she would ask the landlord, but wasn't sure if they would do any of this (she asked this after she signed the agreement, only after I started asking if things could be updated and that I could even buy the items myself and put them in if need be).
After telling my friend what I was thinking after she kept asking me and wouldn't stop, even when I tried to change/avoid the subject. Now she is extremely mad at me. She doesn't want to talk to me right now at all, and I feel extremely guilty that I didn't think fast enough in a situation I wasn't expecting (I thought the place would be good from what she said, and how her sister was so happy), and that I didn't tell her not to sign the lease as I felt so on the spot and that I thought she would've probably gotten so frustrated with me and start feeling really down again. I also feel like a complete jerk for telling her about the other place that I know she will be much happier in and has all of the things she's looking for.
I think she'll be happy being outdoors at the place she signed for (the other property in the beautiful neighborhood is extremely close to the beach too though, as well). I think when she comes home she will become very unhappy living in this little place with the extremely outdated appliances and old carpet and other issues.
I feel like a dick for opening my mouth about the other property, but she kept asking me to tell her what was wrong. I don't even know if it's even a possibility to get out of a lease you just signed, or even how hard that may be? I don't think the realtor has cashed the check yet as it was done on the weekend.
I also don't know if my friend was mad when she said "go get my deposit back and rent the other place, and I will go there then", or if she really wants me to do that. She won't talk about it, and won't even look at the pictures of the other place (as I think she knows it looks really nice and what she wants, and will feel bad for signing the 1 year agreement with the older beachouse). She did say that her family is very happy for her and why can't I be too. I had already been emailing her new fixtures I said I could buy to put in old beachouse she signed with to make it look better, and also looking up other stuff to make the place look nice and telling her about it- all this before she kept asking what was wrong and said I seemed "off" (which I really wasn't trying to be), which I then told her about the other place I saw. She got very upset and that after telling her about the other place that I wasn't being supportive and I was only thinking about myself and not about her at all, and got angry at me.
I feel like a jerk. My friend doesnt want to talk as she said she's very upset right now. She moves on Wednesday and wanted me to help now I don't know if she even wants to see me. I feel like I messed everything up, and if it wasn't for me, she would be happy right now in Los Angeles. The older beachouse could be okay/little better, if things are updated.
I feel I really hurt my friend. This all happened so fast, I feel so bad now and I'm not sure what to do now or how to apologize to my friend and get over this. The last thing in the world I ever wanted to do is hurt my best friend. I feel so miserable right now, and don't know how to fix things with my best friend in the world.
This is tough. I think it makes sense to give your friend some space here. It sounds like you're investing more time in energy in helping your friend find an apartment than I would in helping my boyfriend. If you guys really want to live together, I would wait until you're both ready to move, set up a budget, and look together -- so, you both show up for showings and make the decision together, and you're both jointly on the lease. Or if your friend is moving on her own, then she needs to decide based on her own needs, preferences and budget -- no borrowing cash for an apartment she can't actually afford or picking a place that isn't right for her because you want to be near the beach. If you guys want to move in together in a few months, it might be a good idea for her to sublet a small place or room for a short period of time where she's not locked into a lease.
In the immediate term, I would apologize for hurting her feelings, ask if she wants help with getting out of the lease, and then discuss whether you guys do want to be roommates in a few months. Fair warning -- in my experience, trying to be roommates with best friends can often go sideways and hurt the friendship. But, if you guys decide to do it, make sure to be really clear about all the normal roommate stuff like who's going to take out the trash, whether/how you'll split up groceries, levels of cleanliness, etc.
posted by rainbowbrite at 4:16 PM on April 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
In the immediate term, I would apologize for hurting her feelings, ask if she wants help with getting out of the lease, and then discuss whether you guys do want to be roommates in a few months. Fair warning -- in my experience, trying to be roommates with best friends can often go sideways and hurt the friendship. But, if you guys decide to do it, make sure to be really clear about all the normal roommate stuff like who's going to take out the trash, whether/how you'll split up groceries, levels of cleanliness, etc.
posted by rainbowbrite at 4:16 PM on April 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
I think, based on your story, that you two should not move in together. The way this went down shows that big, really hurtful drama is virtually inevitable between the two of you as roommates and I believe there is a strong chance that your relationship will suffer greatly if you two live together. This doesn’t mean that you are not great friends – it’s just a sort of dynamic that takes place when two people with this kind of dynamic live too intimately together.
Why I’m saying this: the really weird thing in your telling of the story is how you give all these minute details about her situation and her house-hunting, and all the places she’s seen etc., and then you occasionally mention that this is actually also your place like it’s almost an afterthought. It’s like both you and her don’t want to take ownership of your own needs, desires, and decisions but try to second-guess the other person’s instead and end up doing so rather badly (which is to be expected!). Then you both end up unhappy and sort of resentful and you try to patch up, and, and, and … I’ve seen this lots of time. People who get along really well and then it all crumbles on stuff like this. Imagine the next time you try to organize buying milk and then you thought that she thought and she looked at you a certain way and you kind of tried to sort of suggest, and she assumed you’re getting it, but you don’t know her preference, and … three pages later there's hard feelings 'cause you’re out of toilet paper or something.
So my suggestion is to reconsider moving in with her. By all means help her decide if she really truly wants that flat without you in the picture, help her get out of the situation if she doesn’t or help her move in/ get the appliances etc sorted, but don’t move I with her. If you want to keep your life low key and her as a friend.
If you still decide to move in with her I’d urge you to consider if YOU like the current flat. If not, tell her you don’t like it, it’s got too many issues, and ask her to send over the papers so you can try to get out of the lease. If she doesn’t send you the papers, don’t move in.
Re. apology, this is what I’d write: ‘Hey, sorry I was so wishy-washy about my feedback; you seemed so relieved to have found this place and I didn’t want to rain on your parade. But you are right, I should have been more forthright and told you straight up that I didn’t like it as a place to move into myself and I also don’t think it is a place that does YOU justice. Let’s try to get out of it and find a place that we both feel happy with! I’ll handle the lease; just send me the papers in good time so I can try to get you out of this’.
Still, my strongest feeling is that you two should not move in together. And BTW, while I think that you didn’t take responsibility for your feelings here, neither did she. In part this seems to be because you act as though this is HER lease, and maybe she thinks that you are the one who has to cal the shots.
posted by miorita at 4:29 PM on April 2, 2017 [28 favorites]
Why I’m saying this: the really weird thing in your telling of the story is how you give all these minute details about her situation and her house-hunting, and all the places she’s seen etc., and then you occasionally mention that this is actually also your place like it’s almost an afterthought. It’s like both you and her don’t want to take ownership of your own needs, desires, and decisions but try to second-guess the other person’s instead and end up doing so rather badly (which is to be expected!). Then you both end up unhappy and sort of resentful and you try to patch up, and, and, and … I’ve seen this lots of time. People who get along really well and then it all crumbles on stuff like this. Imagine the next time you try to organize buying milk and then you thought that she thought and she looked at you a certain way and you kind of tried to sort of suggest, and she assumed you’re getting it, but you don’t know her preference, and … three pages later there's hard feelings 'cause you’re out of toilet paper or something.
So my suggestion is to reconsider moving in with her. By all means help her decide if she really truly wants that flat without you in the picture, help her get out of the situation if she doesn’t or help her move in/ get the appliances etc sorted, but don’t move I with her. If you want to keep your life low key and her as a friend.
If you still decide to move in with her I’d urge you to consider if YOU like the current flat. If not, tell her you don’t like it, it’s got too many issues, and ask her to send over the papers so you can try to get out of the lease. If she doesn’t send you the papers, don’t move in.
Re. apology, this is what I’d write: ‘Hey, sorry I was so wishy-washy about my feedback; you seemed so relieved to have found this place and I didn’t want to rain on your parade. But you are right, I should have been more forthright and told you straight up that I didn’t like it as a place to move into myself and I also don’t think it is a place that does YOU justice. Let’s try to get out of it and find a place that we both feel happy with! I’ll handle the lease; just send me the papers in good time so I can try to get you out of this’.
Still, my strongest feeling is that you two should not move in together. And BTW, while I think that you didn’t take responsibility for your feelings here, neither did she. In part this seems to be because you act as though this is HER lease, and maybe she thinks that you are the one who has to cal the shots.
posted by miorita at 4:29 PM on April 2, 2017 [28 favorites]
Oh man. I can tell this is really hurting you and I'm sorry you're dealing with it. It's really hard feeling like you've treated such a close friend poorly.
But, I think you are being too hard on yourself. It sounds like your friend is under an incredible amount of stress and isn't handling it very well. What would normally have been a minor miscommunication or disagreement turned into something more ugly because she isn't coping well with her situation. That's not your fault.
In your shoes, I would reach out and say, "I'm really sorry about what happened. Do you still want me to help you find another place? If not, I promise to be supportive about this place, from here on out." And then give her space, and let her come to you.
bunderful, I know the question had a lot of text, but the sister is the one who doesn't speak English, not the friend. Given that the friend was recently employed at 9-5 job (most likely in an office or retail environment), her English skills are likely pretty good.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 4:44 PM on April 2, 2017
But, I think you are being too hard on yourself. It sounds like your friend is under an incredible amount of stress and isn't handling it very well. What would normally have been a minor miscommunication or disagreement turned into something more ugly because she isn't coping well with her situation. That's not your fault.
In your shoes, I would reach out and say, "I'm really sorry about what happened. Do you still want me to help you find another place? If not, I promise to be supportive about this place, from here on out." And then give her space, and let her come to you.
bunderful, I know the question had a lot of text, but the sister is the one who doesn't speak English, not the friend. Given that the friend was recently employed at 9-5 job (most likely in an office or retail environment), her English skills are likely pretty good.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 4:44 PM on April 2, 2017
Imagine the next time you try to organize buying milk and then you thought that she thought and she looked at you a certain way and you kind of tried to sort of suggest, and she assumed you’re getting it, but you don’t know her preference, and … three pages later there's hard feelings 'cause you’re out of toilet paper or something.
Quoted for truth.
People who are going to live together need to be able to discuss their own preferences and plans, notice when they disagree, and respond to accidental misunderstandings with a bit of cheer and how-can-we-fix-this. You and your friend have fallen into a pattern where your fear of conflict with each other has stopped your ability to productively disagree or recover from misunderstandings. That doesn't mean either of you is a jerk; it just means there are some skills you need to learn and take into your friendship, whether or not you decide to move in together.
Regarding apartment choice: there's always going to be a better option that you'll find out about later. If you figure out what your good-enough criteria are, and remember that there is no one absolutely optimal place to live, you might have a more useful perspective and experience less regret.
posted by brainwane at 6:29 AM on April 3, 2017 [5 favorites]
Oh man. Your friend sounds like me, and you sound like my mom. When I was young she would constantly research decisions for me, whether I had asked her to or not. She would completely take over the decision-making process. Then she would turn around and get frustrated at me when I hesitated to make the final choice, because I was scared of messing it up and choosing wrong. After the entire process of not doing any of the work or research or making any of the decisions, I had absolutely no way of evaluating what a good decision might be, and my mother would get upset at me, mystified as to why I had such poor judgement.
In other words, the level of investment and effort you have gone into to pick a place for her made her feel like you were the final arbiter on this decision. She made a decision on her own and is now scared/upset/ashamed to have made the wrong one.
In the future, if you get that involved in someone else's decision, you shouldn't be surprised when they expect you to make the decision itself, and get embarrassed when they have made the "wrong" decision.
posted by chainsofreedom at 10:41 AM on April 3, 2017 [3 favorites]
In other words, the level of investment and effort you have gone into to pick a place for her made her feel like you were the final arbiter on this decision. She made a decision on her own and is now scared/upset/ashamed to have made the wrong one.
In the future, if you get that involved in someone else's decision, you shouldn't be surprised when they expect you to make the decision itself, and get embarrassed when they have made the "wrong" decision.
posted by chainsofreedom at 10:41 AM on April 3, 2017 [3 favorites]
One rather minor suggestion: When going with friends, family, roommates, whatever to do something like rent an apartment, buy a car, etc, you need to be able to find some kind of private place to discuss finalizing the deal that is **away from salespeople, real estate agents, the other person selling the item, or whatever**. Just tell the salesperson you need 5 minutes to talk this over privately and go for a walk or something. During the walk you tell the person what you really think and find out what they really think.
After that, you might be ready to make a decision.
But whatever you do, don't have this frank talk in front of the salesperson or seller.
For one thing, the talk that you *need* to be a frank and open one with with your friend/partner inevitably will not be frank if you are in front of strangers.
And for another thing, the salesperson and seller are on opposite corners of this financial deal from you. You need to be able to talk frankly, and out of their earshot and eyeshot, partly so that you two (or three, four, whatever) can decided on a mutual strategy for dealing with this person who is not on your side of the equation and does not have your interests at heart.
posted by flug at 1:19 PM on April 3, 2017 [3 favorites]
After that, you might be ready to make a decision.
But whatever you do, don't have this frank talk in front of the salesperson or seller.
For one thing, the talk that you *need* to be a frank and open one with with your friend/partner inevitably will not be frank if you are in front of strangers.
And for another thing, the salesperson and seller are on opposite corners of this financial deal from you. You need to be able to talk frankly, and out of their earshot and eyeshot, partly so that you two (or three, four, whatever) can decided on a mutual strategy for dealing with this person who is not on your side of the equation and does not have your interests at heart.
posted by flug at 1:19 PM on April 3, 2017 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
As for your friendship you both sound really young. This is one of those things where you both learned valuable lessons. Give her a chance to calm down.
posted by koahiatamadl at 3:34 PM on April 2, 2017