Seeking out kindness and reassurance
March 13, 2017 3:57 PM
Where can I turn for positive support when it's not regularly available?
I'm going through a pretty rough patch right now. I've had untreated (usually) low level depression for years, but over the past few weeks the intensity has sharply increased and it's getting to be too much to bear. Even through the darkness, however, I do notice I feel better when others say something positive about me. Doesn't matter what it is (or if I even agree), it helps remind me that I'm not as awful as my brain is telling me I am. But unfortunately, those moments are few and far between.
The few friends I have never say anything, but that's to be expected (we have that sort of surface-level relationship guys often have focused mainly on joking around vs. supporting each other). Nothing ever comes at work. I'm mostly ignored unless there's a problem. My parents live half a country away and our occasional phone calls are mostly them catching me up on what's happened back home. It's been years since my last relationship, so there's no partner I can turn to.
Part of me feels even worse for wanting these sort of complements at all. It seems horribly egotistical. And my happiness shouldn't be dependent on other people being nice to me anyway. But, boy howdy, it does help to hear something different when my own mind is telling me I'm a piece of shit. Where can I turn for this sort of positive reinforcement? Social groups/support groups? Volunteering? I'm open to anything.
I'm going through a pretty rough patch right now. I've had untreated (usually) low level depression for years, but over the past few weeks the intensity has sharply increased and it's getting to be too much to bear. Even through the darkness, however, I do notice I feel better when others say something positive about me. Doesn't matter what it is (or if I even agree), it helps remind me that I'm not as awful as my brain is telling me I am. But unfortunately, those moments are few and far between.
The few friends I have never say anything, but that's to be expected (we have that sort of surface-level relationship guys often have focused mainly on joking around vs. supporting each other). Nothing ever comes at work. I'm mostly ignored unless there's a problem. My parents live half a country away and our occasional phone calls are mostly them catching me up on what's happened back home. It's been years since my last relationship, so there's no partner I can turn to.
Part of me feels even worse for wanting these sort of complements at all. It seems horribly egotistical. And my happiness shouldn't be dependent on other people being nice to me anyway. But, boy howdy, it does help to hear something different when my own mind is telling me I'm a piece of shit. Where can I turn for this sort of positive reinforcement? Social groups/support groups? Volunteering? I'm open to anything.
Where can I turn for this sort of positive reinforcement
Some areas are more active than others, but if there are IRL meetups near you I would really recommend trying that. I've never had a bad time at one and everyone has been lovely. Being a a MeFi event always helps ease my social anxiety a bit and I always feel better after it's over.
posted by Room 641-A at 5:11 PM on March 13, 2017
Some areas are more active than others, but if there are IRL meetups near you I would really recommend trying that. I've never had a bad time at one and everyone has been lovely. Being a a MeFi event always helps ease my social anxiety a bit and I always feel better after it's over.
posted by Room 641-A at 5:11 PM on March 13, 2017
Therapy. It is one of the things therapy is for, along with alleviating depression.
posted by listen, lady at 5:20 PM on March 13, 2017
posted by listen, lady at 5:20 PM on March 13, 2017
Some of it depends on where you are in your life already. I think a lot of people get some casual approval (when they're not in a great place) from social media interactions. There are, often, some places that are just for that sort of thing where you're in a support group where part of the goal is just "Hey nice going!"or "I like what you did there" (I think of Flickr or Instagram when you take a nice photo, or maybe telling a positive story in a Facebook group full of like minded people). This is not a sure thing though, sometimes internet people are crabby and punishing because they're in a bad place.
I've often found that what helps me is sort of the opposite. Like I try to put on my best "I give a shit about myself" outfit and then go into the world and try to be useful and/or awesome about things. This can be basic manners stuff like just saying please or thank you or holding a door for someone with heavy packages. Or it can be a bigger deal like paying it forward at the coffee shop or volunteering at a place (for anything!) where they're happy to have someone for free helping out. One of the good things about volunteering is that, unlike your job, you really are providing something of value just by being there and helping, so you don't have to be "extra" excellent, just being there (even if you are not in a great mood, even if you didn't bring your A Game) is useful. So you might want to look at your life and think about what might fit into it that could be useful AND that might have some positive reinforcement along with it. For some people faith traditions can be useful for this, you can show up at church and someone there will say "thank you for coming" and you feel like they care if you're having a terrible day. And there is nothing wrong with wanting some positive feedback and it's good to realize that maybe you've gotten stuck in a negative thought pattern, that is actually a good thing you're doing right there! So yeah part of this is being kind to yourself as part of that whole process. Good luck, tiny potato says you got this.
posted by jessamyn at 5:36 PM on March 13, 2017
I've often found that what helps me is sort of the opposite. Like I try to put on my best "I give a shit about myself" outfit and then go into the world and try to be useful and/or awesome about things. This can be basic manners stuff like just saying please or thank you or holding a door for someone with heavy packages. Or it can be a bigger deal like paying it forward at the coffee shop or volunteering at a place (for anything!) where they're happy to have someone for free helping out. One of the good things about volunteering is that, unlike your job, you really are providing something of value just by being there and helping, so you don't have to be "extra" excellent, just being there (even if you are not in a great mood, even if you didn't bring your A Game) is useful. So you might want to look at your life and think about what might fit into it that could be useful AND that might have some positive reinforcement along with it. For some people faith traditions can be useful for this, you can show up at church and someone there will say "thank you for coming" and you feel like they care if you're having a terrible day. And there is nothing wrong with wanting some positive feedback and it's good to realize that maybe you've gotten stuck in a negative thought pattern, that is actually a good thing you're doing right there! So yeah part of this is being kind to yourself as part of that whole process. Good luck, tiny potato says you got this.
posted by jessamyn at 5:36 PM on March 13, 2017
This is really trite sounding but two thoughts that may be of help.
1) Once, while dealing with depression, I read that the average happy person has 20 interactions with other people per day. I was somewhat isolated at the time but made it my goal to say hello to absolutely everyone: the man at the corner store, my postal worker, people I passed on the street. It actually made a difference.
2) There is a certain degree to which "you get back what you put out" is true but instead of focusing on getting compliments to improve your self-esteem, you could focus on giving them. "Nice shoes!" or "I really appreciate the time you put into this, thanks for the work" or "You make a fantastic looking latte" or "I'm always so happy to come in here, you sell the nicest flowers" are nice things to say.
Other than that, little boosts from social media like Instagram etc are a nice idea.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:23 PM on March 13, 2017
1) Once, while dealing with depression, I read that the average happy person has 20 interactions with other people per day. I was somewhat isolated at the time but made it my goal to say hello to absolutely everyone: the man at the corner store, my postal worker, people I passed on the street. It actually made a difference.
2) There is a certain degree to which "you get back what you put out" is true but instead of focusing on getting compliments to improve your self-esteem, you could focus on giving them. "Nice shoes!" or "I really appreciate the time you put into this, thanks for the work" or "You make a fantastic looking latte" or "I'm always so happy to come in here, you sell the nicest flowers" are nice things to say.
Other than that, little boosts from social media like Instagram etc are a nice idea.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:23 PM on March 13, 2017
You might consider volunteering. Helping others can be a good way to help get out of your head, and I guarantee the non-profit will be overjoyed with your presence, as reliable volunteers are difficult to find. You can go through volunteermatch.org for your area, or call around to non-profits that you are drawn to and ask if they have a need for a regular volunteer.
Don't feel bad for needing this. We all need it -- it's normal and human and nothing to fix or be ashamed of.
posted by ananci at 6:52 PM on March 13, 2017
Don't feel bad for needing this. We all need it -- it's normal and human and nothing to fix or be ashamed of.
posted by ananci at 6:52 PM on March 13, 2017
Volunteering. I do a lot of volunteer work these days and while it's not remotely the reason I do it, I'm surprised by the amount of praise that is showered on me.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:40 PM on March 13, 2017
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:40 PM on March 13, 2017
I have two major suggestions that have helped me/my dear friends through some of our hardest times.
1: therapy.
2: volunteering.
posted by RainyJay at 12:35 AM on March 14, 2017
1: therapy.
2: volunteering.
posted by RainyJay at 12:35 AM on March 14, 2017
Oh when there's no-one to give it to you, my psychologist told me of a way to give it to yourself. Like a gratitude journal, but self focused you could keep (as I do but not as often as I should) a Positive Actions journal. My psychologist knows I like rules so he told me to write 3 things in it a day that I did that I'm happy with myself about. He forgets that I'm a rebel, so sometimes I write nothing (forget often ) and sometimes I put my whole done list, just because the day was sisiphysian and doing anything was a triumph. Sometimes I might put in things I did years ago (got a degree with undiagnosed adhd) and sometimes I put in tiny little every day things (told a lady on the bus her backpack was undone) because it reminds me that I'm a nice person who does things for other people (even tho social anxiety - aren't I sweet?)
My psychologist says that while it's nice to get positive affirmation from others, you need to be able to find it in yourself. I think part of the reason is if you NEED it from others, then you will do things for them out of proportion to get that need met.
I hope this helps. Also, I think you were very sensible to ask this question, and you seem pretty cool to me.
posted by b33j at 1:44 AM on March 14, 2017
My psychologist says that while it's nice to get positive affirmation from others, you need to be able to find it in yourself. I think part of the reason is if you NEED it from others, then you will do things for them out of proportion to get that need met.
I hope this helps. Also, I think you were very sensible to ask this question, and you seem pretty cool to me.
posted by b33j at 1:44 AM on March 14, 2017
Reddit's CongratsLikeImFive at first glance sounds condescending, but is actually variously funny/charming/sweet/moving. I've never even posted there, but there's something rather uplifting even just reading about everyone's varied accomplishments, presented unapologetically no matter what they might be.
I drove a car! I finished my thesis! I didn't get toothpaste on my shirt! I made a phone call! I finished writing something! I went to bed on time! Everyone needs (and gets) positive feedback.
Also, no true piece of shit has ever said "boy howdy." Fact.
posted by gennessee at 5:11 AM on March 14, 2017
I drove a car! I finished my thesis! I didn't get toothpaste on my shirt! I made a phone call! I finished writing something! I went to bed on time! Everyone needs (and gets) positive feedback.
Also, no true piece of shit has ever said "boy howdy." Fact.
posted by gennessee at 5:11 AM on March 14, 2017
This thread is closed to new comments.
Or perhaps you're worried about being a burden by divulging to much, a thing that had some popularity as an idea on AskMefi at times, but be reassured by this internet stranger that the people who love you do ultimately want to show you that love, and you are not a burden.
posted by colorblock sock at 4:40 PM on March 13, 2017