How can I get through this pain?
February 22, 2017 10:01 AM
I recently bumped into my ex at a club in my uni town.
I hadn't seen him in a year and although we'd spoken on and off during this time it always ended in tears, mostly on my part. I was just starting to move on with my life, starting uni and making friends and living my life. So bumping into him was strange but also felt completely normal. Like time hadn't passed. He stayed the night and left the next day, I was so upset. But things felt different between us. He is my first long term bf, I did post about this last year when i first broke it off with him. I was not expecting to see him that night at all and it really threw me off. We started calling each other and things felt different, in a good way. We spoke openly and for the first time, I could hold a conversation with him without crying. But I still had that voice in my head saying, let it go. We talked about maybe trying again, he told me he had been speaking to a girl but that it didn't mean anything, he could cut it off, he wants me and to make things work, and I believed him. He is a good guy. So I spend days agonising over this... should I, shouldn't I. I go to hospital because the decision is causing me anguish.. then he puts me out of my misery and tells me we should go our seperate ways. He says it is because he feels responsible for me being in hospital (if I'd never of seen him, I wouldn't be there) and that this isn't the end for us but for now it must be. He didn't mention the girl but I just know she has something to do with it. So now I feel absolutely broken all over again. He is such an amazing guy and I feel no anger towards him. I am scared I let something really good go.. but deep down I know this is for the best, and if it was a really a "good thing" I could of worked through things. This guy would of gone to the end of the earth for me. I am absolutely torn now. Every day I wake up not wanting to be alive. I imagine him and this girl and feel sick. I always respected him and considered his feelings and feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. I do believe one day we may meet again, I don't know why, but for now, how can I get through this horrible pain? I don't know what to do, I can't sleep, eat, study, nothing. I just feel at my lowest ebb. I have a new therapist so I will see how things go with her also.
I hadn't seen him in a year and although we'd spoken on and off during this time it always ended in tears, mostly on my part. I was just starting to move on with my life, starting uni and making friends and living my life. So bumping into him was strange but also felt completely normal. Like time hadn't passed. He stayed the night and left the next day, I was so upset. But things felt different between us. He is my first long term bf, I did post about this last year when i first broke it off with him. I was not expecting to see him that night at all and it really threw me off. We started calling each other and things felt different, in a good way. We spoke openly and for the first time, I could hold a conversation with him without crying. But I still had that voice in my head saying, let it go. We talked about maybe trying again, he told me he had been speaking to a girl but that it didn't mean anything, he could cut it off, he wants me and to make things work, and I believed him. He is a good guy. So I spend days agonising over this... should I, shouldn't I. I go to hospital because the decision is causing me anguish.. then he puts me out of my misery and tells me we should go our seperate ways. He says it is because he feels responsible for me being in hospital (if I'd never of seen him, I wouldn't be there) and that this isn't the end for us but for now it must be. He didn't mention the girl but I just know she has something to do with it. So now I feel absolutely broken all over again. He is such an amazing guy and I feel no anger towards him. I am scared I let something really good go.. but deep down I know this is for the best, and if it was a really a "good thing" I could of worked through things. This guy would of gone to the end of the earth for me. I am absolutely torn now. Every day I wake up not wanting to be alive. I imagine him and this girl and feel sick. I always respected him and considered his feelings and feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. I do believe one day we may meet again, I don't know why, but for now, how can I get through this horrible pain? I don't know what to do, I can't sleep, eat, study, nothing. I just feel at my lowest ebb. I have a new therapist so I will see how things go with her also.
This post was deleted for the following reason: I'm so sorry you're going through this. If you're in crisis please reach out to someone - your therapist, a friend, the mods here, or a chat or phone hotline. The Mefi community has assembled a list of hotlines to help -- you can get through this. -- LobsterMitten
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