Don't even know where to begin

January 3, 2017 8:32 PM

My mom has custody of my nephew because my brother and his girlfriend had a history of drug abuse and problems with the law. Nephew's mom, Sara, has slowly been demanding more and more time with her son and now we see him once or twice a week because she is threatening to go to court for custody, a fight my mom doesn't want to deal with. Help me figure out what I can do, if anything.

My brother died December 2015. Since then Sara has moved in with her dad and brother and gotten a full time job. She seemed to be doing well until this past Thanksgiving. My family all went out to a nice restaurant. She was drinking throughout dinner, as most of us were, but not excessively. Suddenly, when it was time to leave, she disappeared for about 15 minutes. When she was found she couldn't walk or stand, was mumbling nonsense, and pissed her pants as I propped her up against my mom's car so she wouldn't fall. My uncle had to carry her from the restaurant through the 5 story parking garage. 45 minutes later she was back to normal. This was largely ignored by my family because nobody wants to confront anything.

Over the past year my nephew has gone from living with my mom five to six days a week and Sara once or twice, to living with my mom three days a week and Sara four, and
the arrangement now, where we're lucky if we see him twice a week.

When I ask the actual details of the arrangement now, my mom shuts down, says Sara is threatening to go to court for full custody, and she doesn't want to fight her.

We live in Massachusetts. The Department of Children and Families was heavily involved with all of this until my mom was granted custody about two years ago. I'm thinking of calling DCF soon to see if there is anything they can do. At least check on the house where Sara is living (my aunt said it was "dirty and cold") and hopefully start checking in on Sara again. I'm also considering asking my family to get a lawyer to help with this, but I don't know if my mom would agree to that. I'm not sure what, if anything, a lawyer could do on my behalf in that case.

Sorry for the rambling, it's hard to wrap my head around everything. Where do I begin? How do I make sure my nephew is safe? If anyone has any experience with this kind of thing, or knowledge about Massachusetts laws, I would appreciate the help.

posted by blackzinfandel to Law & Government (13 answers total)

If DCF gave your mom custody, how is Sara getting to have him 3 days a week? I would start by calling DCF about Sara's relapse. A lawyer could explain how you could file for guardianship.
posted by kerf at 8:52 PM on January 3, 2017 [15 favorites]

The problem is your mother.

Sara can't make it through dinner without peeing on herself (sorry) so she's not suing anyone any day soon. Your mother has full custody, she has to start telling Sara "no" + supervised visits are likely appropriate for Sara at this point. Warn your mother, then call DCF if the situation doesn't resolve immediately. Your mom needs help understanding how much her nephew's wellbeing is under her control.
posted by jbenben at 9:27 PM on January 3, 2017 [27 favorites]

Please call DCF. Please. This child's safety is at stake.
posted by anastasiav at 9:47 PM on January 3, 2017 [3 favorites]

I'm inclined to think that if your mom is not willing to enforce the DCF custody decision and is turning this kid over to an unfit parent voluntarily, then your mother may not actually be a fit guardian, either, in which case your family is going to start needing to work out who actually is. You're not going to be able to get DCF involved to have them say "yes mom do the thing" and have your mom actually do the thing. They already did that. It didn't work. If you're going to go to DCF now, you should probably have some idea in mind of what your ideal outcome is, as far as who else in the family is capable of taking your nephew. You don't need to have your mother agree to it, but you need to have an idea what you're working for here if she's not actually capable of doing this. You? Another family member? Foster care? I'm not talking about thinking about this for weeks, I'm thinking more like talking about it with whatever family members ARE invested in this over the next few days.

Your mom already raised one generation of kids and lost one of them young. She might not really have the emotional energy to be doing it all over again, at least not right now, especially not in a high-conflict situation. But if she doesn't, the rest of the family can't just sit around giving her pep talks. She can't be the only solution to this problem.
posted by Sequence at 9:53 PM on January 3, 2017 [43 favorites]

I'm not going to say your mum is an unfit guardian but it certainly sounds like she's not entirely willing. From your question it seems as though your mum was granted full custody of the child - did she want it? She's willingly handing custody over to the child's mum and doesn't want to fight for custody in a court battle - I don't blame her, going to court is hard enough when you're sure you want the thing you're fighting for. Its also possible that nephew is a reminder of the son she lost, that may be very painful for her.

I know you want the best for your nephew, but unless you're willing to take him in and fight his mum for custody, I don't see what you can really do. If your mum doesn't want to fight for him, you can't make her
posted by missmagenta at 2:48 AM on January 4, 2017 [1 favorite]

DCF should be your first call, and I'm inclined to think that your Mom is unable and/or unwilling to care for your nephew right now. From my perspective, this doesn't make your Mom a bad person in any way. She already raised her children, lost her son a year ago around the holidays, and there could be many reasons (age, money, health, for example), that she might not be able to be a full-time caretaker for your nephew. Whatever the reason, it's upsetting to her, and she does not want to talk about it, but you can't let your nephew languish in a bad situation because of your Mom's situation. When you call DCF, however, you need to make peace with the idea that he may end up in foster care, unless there is a fit person who is willing and able to take on full custody. Please don't let this stop you from making the call. Your nephew needs help, and this is the best way to get it for him. I believe you'll be able to remain anonymous, even though people may guess it was you.

As a sidenote, two things strike me about the Thanksgiving Day incident. The first is that a recovering addict was drinking apparently with no raised eyebrows from anyone in the family until she melted down. Most recovery plans have people stay away from all mood-altering substances, including alcohol, even if the person wasn't treated for alcoholism because there is no reasonable amount for that person, and it could be a trigger for a relapse. So, while it may be awkward, maybe it's time not to cosign her indulging in alcohol at family events, which may mean everyone abstains for that window of time. The second is that she seemed to go from fine to falling down drunk really quickly. It's logical to presume that when she went to the bathroom, she used her substance of choice, which is what I'm inclined to think, but there could be other factors at play including but not limited to: she is taking some sort of medication that intentionally makes you sick when you consume alcohol, she had an unintentional bad interraction with a medication she is taking for reasons, she was drinking before dinner, or, the least likely but always possible, she was drugged. If she is stable enough to talk to, you might want to ask her what happened on Thanksgiving in a non-judgmental way. Saying something like, "Hey Sara, the holidays without brother were really tough this year. How are you doing? I was concerned about you on Thanksgiving. Can you tell me what happened there?" might answer some important questions for you. I'd leave that separate from any questions related to your nephew's care or the custody arrangement. Keep in mind that, as I'm sure you know, a relapsed addict is prone to lying so you may be told an unreliable tale, but she also may confide in you and actually answer your lingering questions.

Lastly, I'm so sorry for your loss and hope you are practicing good self care. When we are inclined to look after others, it's easy to forget to look after our selves. I hope you have the love and support you need and are doing okay. Best of luck to you, your nephew, and your whole family.
posted by katemcd at 4:57 AM on January 4, 2017 [4 favorites]

I am peripherally involved in a similar situation. I can tell you that the custodial guardian can easily balance the re-entry of an addicted parent through the court, while balancing the safety of the child with the desires of the non-custodial parent. In our case, the answer was a court-approved plan that increased visitation gradually after certain requirements were met. For instance, no overnights until six months of clean drug tests, participation in AA, car ownership and car seat, clean home with proper sleeping area, etc, but numerous daytime visits as long as the screens continued to come in clear. Then one overnight every other week for three more months, graduating to full weekends, etc.

The beauty of this is that it puts the responsibility back on the addict, and can be a powerful motivation to stay clean. And I think the tone of the custodial guardian means a lot. "Hey, we really want you in kiddo's life. Everyone is pulling for you, you can do this!"

That's how you keep the child safe and offer a glimmer of hope and motivation to the addict. I think it's a common process in these cases. But you need to have a long talk with your mom and help her keep your nephew safe while moving forward in a positive manner at the same time. Could she just be too overwhelmed by caring for your nephew?
posted by raisingsand at 5:48 AM on January 4, 2017 [3 favorites]

I see this from a slightly different perspective. I don't see a grandmother tired of raising kids, I see a grandmother terrified of losing custody and trying to hang onto at least some overnights with the kid. It sounds like she's afraid to go to court because she's scared she will lose. Can you spend some time researching what the likely outcome would be, and supporting her in these fears? ("Mom, I talked to a lawyer, and he said it's an open and shut case-- there's no way that your custody is at risk. How can I support you in enforcing boundaries with Sara? Do you need extra help with Kid?")
posted by instamatic at 7:08 AM on January 4, 2017 [5 favorites]

And also possibly a grandmother trying to Do The Right Thing. "Every kid deserves lots of time with his mom. She's been doing so much better now. It's my duty to help them have as much of a normal family life as possible"

That doesn't mean she's right-- but it may be part of what she's struggling with.
posted by instamatic at 7:10 AM on January 4, 2017 [2 favorites]

So I think, from my experience in social work, that your mother does actually have some reasonable fears. Unless there was actual abuse or neglect of the child, the courts tend to favor parental custody over grandparental custody - and honestly, even afterwards. While they will often assign grandparental custody, it is often viewed as a temporary measure, the goal being family reunification. Once family reunification happens, it is rare that your mother would have any rights whatsoever. Only a few states have any version of grandparental rights. Sara could, in fact, take your nephew and move him out of state so that your family never sees him again. It's not even unusual, given that your brother has died.

A court will also be reluctant to change what already seems like it's working. I would not count on Sara being unable to sue just because she pissed herself on Thanksgiving with the family of her dead partner. I think if a court looked at this right now, they would see someone who already has de facto custody, and would not hesitate to make it de jure.
posted by corb at 7:22 AM on January 4, 2017 [2 favorites]

I don't see a grandmother tired of raising kids, I see a grandmother terrified of losing custody and trying to hang onto at least some overnights with the kid. It sounds like she's afraid to go to court because she's scared she will lose.

I see the same thing. It sounds like your mother is trying the age-old policy of appeasement to prevent going to court and losing custody.

While they will often assign grandparental custody, it is often viewed as a temporary measure, the goal being family reunification.

Ditto. And I'm afraid that if you contact DCF, you will inadvertently start these proceedings. I think instamatic has your safest course of action -- look into the situation with a lawyer.
posted by gladly at 7:42 AM on January 4, 2017 [3 favorites]

IANYL. From the legal perspective there is a huge bias in favor of parental custody absent a court finding of unfitness. It is helpful that DCF already clearly views your sister in law as unsuitable -- else they wouldn't have placed this child with your mom. That also makes her threats to take the child via a custody case, along with the evidence she is currently using, a bit hollow.

Frankly if I were in your shoes I'd have a heart to heart with your mom about retaining a lawyer to seek non parental custody. Parental unfitness and that it is in the best interests of the child is fairly easy to demonstrate when the only biological parent is using and there is a stable family member acting as custodian. There's no reason that couldn't be an arrangement that expands your sister in law's contact with her son when her sobriety is established. But it would at least secure his placement.

A separate question is your contact with your nephew. That is going to depend on what his custodian - hopefully your mom -- thinks best. On that front the more you are in contact with your mom, likely the more contact you'll have with your nephew.
posted by bearwife at 9:50 AM on January 4, 2017 [1 favorite]

Best answer: My family has been in your situation, and I was you (it was my brother's daughter we got custody of, and I was an adult living with my parents at the time).

Part of the reason we got custody was the obvious drug abuse of my niece's mother (she and my brother had been separated for years at this point), which continued to the point that we were worried about the other kids (who weren't related to us) in the house as well. So we got a decent lawyer, and went to court. In that courtroom, there were almost 20 family members there to support the petition. The niece in question was in 6th grade at the time, and even she spoke in favour of staying with us. The judge was floored by the family support and granted the petition for full custody with guardianship. Hell, even the family from my niece's mom showed up for us. It says a lot when the mother and sisters of the person losing custody show up to support the petition.

Her mother never truly regained custody, though she did separate from the step-father and get her life together for the most part. She even moved up near us (she was 8 hours away when we got custody of her daughter). However, it ended pretty terribly for all involved (though that's not relevant to your question).

If I could do it again, I would have asked to keep my niece when I moved out with my (ex)husband. She was in 10th grade and really went off the rails and my parents really struggled. I teach high school, and for her 9th grade year, I had intense supervision over her, knew her teachers, knew (and taught) her closest friends, coached her in a sport, and provided transportation. Then when I moved, that supervision level was gone, and she ended up with a less-carefully-designed-for-her-personality class schedule, and neither worked out well for her.

It would have gotten her away from the friends she began to choose at that point, and away from both of her parents, who were not good influences on her. She regularly got drunk and high with her father, and was allowed to have boyfriends stay the night (at age 16! And they were 21+ at the time!) as well. There is more I don't want to write openly on the internet, but suffice to say: it was bad. And my parents did an amazing job, but the cards were stacked against them. They sacrificed control to let her have a relationship with both parents, and I can't blame them in that decision. With a decade of hindsight, I know we all would have done things differently.

So my advice: if there's ANY way you can take custody, even part time, please do that. Go to court and get Family Services involved (you may have to push REALLY hard and make continuous reports. DO THAT. Get his school involved if necessary, or his health care professional, or his therapist, and if he doesn't have a therapist, GET ONE). Have a real heart to heart with your mother (when your nephew isn't present) and see what's driving the overnights with his mother. See if there are ways you can support your mother so that these can be reduced. You need to assume that this is NOT a safe situation until your sister-in-law can prove you wrong consistently. For a LONG TIME. Being a parent involves so much attention and self-sacrifice that your sister-in-law doesn't seem capable of providing at this time. That's okay! And if she is able to do it, help her integrate into her nephew's life as much as possible.

Memail me if you want - I have been there. And it's so, so hard. You have my prayers and my sympathy.
posted by guster4lovers at 9:50 PM on January 4, 2017 [3 favorites]