How can I help my obsessive, sabotaging ex boss to lose interest in me?
December 16, 2016 11:58 AM Subscribe
My ex boss is trolling me and seems to be trying to sabotage my career. Being that she is someone with the means to access all sorts of support, both legal and digital, I was wondering if anyone has any advice as to how I can lose her, aside from the good but not yet effective “ignore the troll”. Also, do I have reason to seek advice from a lawyer based on her history?
Basics: I am a tattoo artist. Artists usually give their shop half of their profits in return for advertising and basic supplies. There are no contracts and normally no HR departments in tattoo shops.
Story: I was excited to get a job at a reputable shop. After starting, I realized that my boss, who is not a tattoo artist, is obsessed with past employees who had moved on. She would sit by me while I was drawing and troll social media. Often she would shove her phone in my face and insist I agree with her negative criticism about other tattoo artists’ work. Being a reasonable person who doesn’t believe that one-upping other artists is productive, I played the gentle devil’s advocate.
From an empathetic standpoint, my boss seemed depressed and fixated, and I tried to reason with her as to why these people probably weren’t acting in ways to get to her personally. The more I disagreed, the less she seemed to like me and the more angry she seemed to be with me. Eventually I learned to act busy and nod rather than contradict her feelings.
I realized how serious she was about her interpersonal battles when at some she point told me about a legal battle she’s been in for years against a past employee. I won’t go into detail because it’s not my story, but it didn’t sound like the case was moving in her favor. Still, she had money to to pay for a lawyer and she was determined to fight it until she couldn’t anymore.
I believe my passive lack of engagement got to her, because she sent me less and less clients and often did things to sabotage my work and bolster up the work of my fellow employees. One day she left an email open on the shared work computer that my coworker read, telling two clients that I was not to be trusted among writing a couple insulting slurs about me. I have a screenshot of these emails from my coworker, but didn’t feel it was worth confronting her with because she is not a rational person. I also didn’t want to get my coworker in trouble for seeing this email.
Around this time, staff realized that she had several cameras with mics on us. Once we all stepped out for 15 minutes to grab lunch during a very dead time, and she immediately emailed us from home reprimanding us for leaving at once. We developed a sense of being watched and became a miserable bunch, texting to one another to talk even when she wasn’t in because it was clear that she was listening to us.
I was told by others who knew her that she is apt hire friends to hack into employee’s email and phone accounts, although I don’t have any proof that she’s done so. I can say that she often knew much more about me than I revealed, which began to creep me out and caused me to change all of my passwords.
As any reasonable person would do, I began to form an exit plan to find a healthier work environment.
When I got a new job, I gave her a month’s notice. I’d worked there for 7 months, so this was rather generous, but I didn’t want to ruffle any feathers considering the situation. We hugged goodbye politely and she warned me not to steal anything. While I felt extremely abused in the work environment, I was set on making this experience a thing of the past. In turn, I made sure not to talk about it to others in the industry. I wanted to get out without having any future problems from her.
It’s now a few months later and she’s begun to fixate on me, which is perhaps inevitable. My time since leaving has been successful and I continue to have great clients, now in a really healthy environment. This is not to spite her, obviously, but to have the happy life for myself that I know I deserve.
A few things have taken pass so far. Since leaving, a shop where I have done guest spots at across the country for years and had a great relationship with will no longer accept me as a guest artist. The manager is friends with my old boss and me both but has been short with me in his reasons as to why he can’t host me. When I came to town to now guest at a different shop, I tried to meet with him for lunch and he avoided making a plan with me.
Last week, a friend who still works at my old shop told me that my old boss has been talking about me to staff. A few weeks ago, new artist told her I was sending him emails telling him not to work with her. I had never heard of this artist and nor written such emails, but clearly my boss was not hard to convince. I went to the shop’s social media account to see who this artist is and discovered that I was blocked from viewing any of the shop’s posts.
In Conclusion:
Luckily, not much harm has been done so far, but I want to nip this in the bud to avoid any more issues. Overall, I am afraid that my old boss will take further measures to sabotage my career, as I know her habits are to fixate on something and escalate it. I am indeed upset that I haven’t been able to entirely wash my hands of this. I’ve minimized my contact with my friend who still works for her for my own piece of mind, I meditate daily and surround myself with supportive people, so I know I will overcome the emotional side of it with time.
So again, my question is, can I do anything else to protect myself? I don't have a lot of money for a lawyer, but if there's any reason to seek the counsel of one, I will find the money to do so.
Basics: I am a tattoo artist. Artists usually give their shop half of their profits in return for advertising and basic supplies. There are no contracts and normally no HR departments in tattoo shops.
Story: I was excited to get a job at a reputable shop. After starting, I realized that my boss, who is not a tattoo artist, is obsessed with past employees who had moved on. She would sit by me while I was drawing and troll social media. Often she would shove her phone in my face and insist I agree with her negative criticism about other tattoo artists’ work. Being a reasonable person who doesn’t believe that one-upping other artists is productive, I played the gentle devil’s advocate.
From an empathetic standpoint, my boss seemed depressed and fixated, and I tried to reason with her as to why these people probably weren’t acting in ways to get to her personally. The more I disagreed, the less she seemed to like me and the more angry she seemed to be with me. Eventually I learned to act busy and nod rather than contradict her feelings.
I realized how serious she was about her interpersonal battles when at some she point told me about a legal battle she’s been in for years against a past employee. I won’t go into detail because it’s not my story, but it didn’t sound like the case was moving in her favor. Still, she had money to to pay for a lawyer and she was determined to fight it until she couldn’t anymore.
I believe my passive lack of engagement got to her, because she sent me less and less clients and often did things to sabotage my work and bolster up the work of my fellow employees. One day she left an email open on the shared work computer that my coworker read, telling two clients that I was not to be trusted among writing a couple insulting slurs about me. I have a screenshot of these emails from my coworker, but didn’t feel it was worth confronting her with because she is not a rational person. I also didn’t want to get my coworker in trouble for seeing this email.
Around this time, staff realized that she had several cameras with mics on us. Once we all stepped out for 15 minutes to grab lunch during a very dead time, and she immediately emailed us from home reprimanding us for leaving at once. We developed a sense of being watched and became a miserable bunch, texting to one another to talk even when she wasn’t in because it was clear that she was listening to us.
I was told by others who knew her that she is apt hire friends to hack into employee’s email and phone accounts, although I don’t have any proof that she’s done so. I can say that she often knew much more about me than I revealed, which began to creep me out and caused me to change all of my passwords.
As any reasonable person would do, I began to form an exit plan to find a healthier work environment.
When I got a new job, I gave her a month’s notice. I’d worked there for 7 months, so this was rather generous, but I didn’t want to ruffle any feathers considering the situation. We hugged goodbye politely and she warned me not to steal anything. While I felt extremely abused in the work environment, I was set on making this experience a thing of the past. In turn, I made sure not to talk about it to others in the industry. I wanted to get out without having any future problems from her.
It’s now a few months later and she’s begun to fixate on me, which is perhaps inevitable. My time since leaving has been successful and I continue to have great clients, now in a really healthy environment. This is not to spite her, obviously, but to have the happy life for myself that I know I deserve.
A few things have taken pass so far. Since leaving, a shop where I have done guest spots at across the country for years and had a great relationship with will no longer accept me as a guest artist. The manager is friends with my old boss and me both but has been short with me in his reasons as to why he can’t host me. When I came to town to now guest at a different shop, I tried to meet with him for lunch and he avoided making a plan with me.
Last week, a friend who still works at my old shop told me that my old boss has been talking about me to staff. A few weeks ago, new artist told her I was sending him emails telling him not to work with her. I had never heard of this artist and nor written such emails, but clearly my boss was not hard to convince. I went to the shop’s social media account to see who this artist is and discovered that I was blocked from viewing any of the shop’s posts.
In Conclusion:
Luckily, not much harm has been done so far, but I want to nip this in the bud to avoid any more issues. Overall, I am afraid that my old boss will take further measures to sabotage my career, as I know her habits are to fixate on something and escalate it. I am indeed upset that I haven’t been able to entirely wash my hands of this. I’ve minimized my contact with my friend who still works for her for my own piece of mind, I meditate daily and surround myself with supportive people, so I know I will overcome the emotional side of it with time.
So again, my question is, can I do anything else to protect myself? I don't have a lot of money for a lawyer, but if there's any reason to seek the counsel of one, I will find the money to do so.
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- cortex
Response by poster: Also, how would I find legal help? I have no idea where to start.
posted by dreamsofhorses at 12:45 PM on December 16, 2016
posted by dreamsofhorses at 12:45 PM on December 16, 2016
You can talk to a lawyer, but a suit or even a strongly worded letter might likely escalate things and keep her fixated on you. It sounds like what you most want is for her to drop it so that you can move on with your life, and to protect yourself. To protect yourself, minimize your public exposure on social sites. Sign up for a password keeping system (many are free) something like LastPass, and let it change all of your passwords for you again. Keep documenting her harassment, of course. But if something else can take her attention, make sure you leave as much room as possible for her to get distracted away.
[And I hate to ask this, but are you sure she doesn't know your metafilter name? I would be in a somewhat paranoid mode about such things, at least until her interest wanes.]
posted by ldthomps at 12:51 PM on December 16, 2016 [2 favorites]
[And I hate to ask this, but are you sure she doesn't know your metafilter name? I would be in a somewhat paranoid mode about such things, at least until her interest wanes.]
posted by ldthomps at 12:51 PM on December 16, 2016 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: haha okay, so how can i delete this post?
posted by dreamsofhorses at 12:56 PM on December 16, 2016
posted by dreamsofhorses at 12:56 PM on December 16, 2016
haha okay, so how can i delete this post?
Message a moderator.
To find legal help, look for a local legal aid provider. Even if they can't help you themselves, they may be able to direct you to someone who can.
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:58 PM on December 16, 2016
Message a moderator.
To find legal help, look for a local legal aid provider. Even if they can't help you themselves, they may be able to direct you to someone who can.
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:58 PM on December 16, 2016
Response by poster: Thanks, I just did.
Sadly I rely on my social media account for business, but I will take your advice and lay low otherwise.
posted by dreamsofhorses at 1:01 PM on December 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
Sadly I rely on my social media account for business, but I will take your advice and lay low otherwise.
posted by dreamsofhorses at 1:01 PM on December 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
« Older I've Fallen and I'm Really #!@$*&! About the... | What are the trends in endings for YA dystopian... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by blackzinfandel at 12:32 PM on December 16, 2016 [3 favorites]