Mock cock?

November 6, 2016 2:38 AM

I'd like to construct a hyper-realistic mock human penis, that's edible and tastes at least something like you'd imagine a human penis to taste - I guess like kidneys? Any advice? I figure you'd start with a sort of sausage concept with an internal "skin" to replicate the urethra, but what about all the other details - pigmentation, etc etc etc. All advice / speculation welcome.
posted by nicolas léonard sadi carnot to Food & Drink (19 answers total)

This is probably the weirdest question I've ever asked on the internet, but here goes:

When you say "tastes like human penis" do you mean (a) similar to when you lick a human penis (i.e., fellatio) or (b) what a human penis would taste like if you ate it?
posted by schroedingersgirl at 3:17 AM on November 6, 2016 [26 favorites]

Response by poster: The latter, like how you would think a human penis would taste when eaten. Honestly I've no idea, I've never tried bull penis etcetera. People say human meat is similar to pork or veal, and I would imagine the penis has an "organ meat" type of savour. Obviously it doesn't have to be dead-on (how could it be?) but just enough to allow the suspension of disbelief.
posted by nicolas léonard sadi carnot at 3:24 AM on November 6, 2016 [1 favorite]

Erect or flaccid? 'cos, you know, blood sausage.
posted by Leon at 3:40 AM on November 6, 2016 [8 favorites]

This might be a job for veal sweetbreads? Could you make sausage from a mix of ground veal and veal sweetbreads?

As for the outer skin, I think you'll need fondant to get the texture and pigmentation right. Fondant is sort of yucky anyway, so as long as you don't sweeten it I imagine it'll roughly approximate skin.

Also don't forget to ask that age-old mock-penis question: Circumcized, or uncircumcized?
posted by schroedingersgirl at 3:40 AM on November 6, 2016

I don't know if she'd answer, but maybe you could pose your question to Janice Poon, the food stylist on Hannibal.
posted by Short Attention Sp at 3:53 AM on November 6, 2016 [10 favorites]

Found this - "The average volume increase for the entire group was 52.62 cc (445.9 per cent)".

Combined with the cross-section here, I think you're going for three strips of spongey material (liver, like you said?), each wrapped in a sausage skin, then injected with 50ccs of blood. Then the whole wrapped in a thin layer of.... pork fat and skin, maybe?

Liver boiled in blood. Pretty unappetizing.
posted by Leon at 3:54 AM on November 6, 2016 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I can't believe this bookmark ended up being useful, but here you go for some visual inspiration. More pics and enough info to get in touch with these butchers. Could you get back to us with some pics, please?
posted by ouke at 4:08 AM on November 6, 2016 [4 favorites]

Liver is not spongey though, especially not if you boil it but if this penis can stay on a plate (ie, doesn't need to be able to be held and waved around) then maybe try a liver parfait recipe to go inside a fondant outside. Might be too soft though so maybe a terrine recipe made into a log.

I agree with schrodingersgirl that fondant would let you make the most realistic looking outside.

At Asian grocers you can get a type of fungus, sometimes called mermaid tresses, in Cantonese say "faat choy". It looks like hair. Black. In case you need black pubes.

Gosh I wish I knew what you're doing...
posted by stellathon at 4:20 AM on November 6, 2016 [4 favorites]

Response by poster: It will be served at something similar to a dinner party so yes, it can sit on a plate. I like the idea of pubes, but tasty edible pubes take away from the verisimilitude. On that note, the penis doesn't need to be delicious, just realistically meaty.
posted by nicolas léonard sadi carnot at 4:30 AM on November 6, 2016

If you're using some kind of ground meat or sausage you could shape it in a penis cake mold. (There are many if you google it.)
posted by Room 641-A at 5:20 AM on November 6, 2016

This might be a job for seitan.

Indeed. You can wrap the uncooked seitan tightly in cheese cloth before boiling it and it comes out looking quite penile.
posted by soren_lorensen at 5:27 AM on November 6, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Is this going to be cooked?

If you're going for realism, I think the rice paper (like on summer rolls) would be good as an external skin layer. You could cut and fold to get more detail around the glans, and it would be slightly transparent and show veins or whatever is underneath. It sounds like you don't care about how appetizing it looks... also rice paper might skew it to be lighter skinned looking, so that's up to you.

WTF am I doing it's 8:30 in the morning.

Also please make a "how I did this" thing for the DIY subreddit and I will upvote the hell out of it!
posted by Drosera at 5:28 AM on November 6, 2016 [8 favorites]

I think blood sausage is a good idea but I think it should be homemade so there can be a few of those translucent Asian noodles running through it.

To cover the whole thing, you can get some plain gelatin, some food coloring and skim evaporated milk. Must be 99.5 skim or it wont work as well. The milk will make it opaque and a bit skin like.. You can alter the food coloring based on what color you want the penis to be. The nice thing is gelatin is cheap and easy to make so you can do several test runs until you get the look what you want.

You can make a silicone mold with a dildo. Put the blood sausage in but regulate how far in goes in to the mold with a toothpick at each end.

Add a little salt when removed from the mold, just for the sweaty skin effect.

When you make the mold, have some extra jello set up, too. This way you can test effects of painting with a bit of food coloring, etc with out ruining the original.
posted by ReluctantViking at 5:43 AM on November 6, 2016

I would expect that texturally, human would not be that different from beef, which is described here somewhat: http://www.vice.com/read/i-tried-bull-penis-so-you-dont-have-to-it

With that in mind, I'm thinking of something like turkey gizzards.
posted by jferg at 6:17 AM on November 6, 2016

I appreciate that there is an interest in verisimilitude, but I wonder if there is an easier way. The most penis-like of ordinary sausages is something along the line of a knockwurst. I might start with homemade knockwurst (or even hot dog) recipe. I would try to mimic the shape of the glans by constricting the appropriate spot with kitchen twine (that would be removed before serving). If you need a faux-urethra, I'd look for tube pasta that could be lined up on a skewer during the construction, skewer removed before cooking. I suspect the pasta would have to be pre-cooked, at least partially.
posted by SemiSalt at 7:18 AM on November 6, 2016

Maybe this is a stupid question, but do any animals (that we normally eat) have penises that look like human penises? Why replicate a penis if you can just cook one?

( I'd google it myself, but honestly, even I'm wary of googling "what animal has the most human-like penis" )
posted by Muppet Pastor at 12:40 PM on November 6, 2016 [4 favorites]

do any animals (that we normally eat) have penises that look like human penises? Why replicate a penis if you can just cook one?

Regrettably, human penises are pretty uniquely-shaped, what with sperm competition and all. Due to my Sir David Attenborough addiction, I know orcas are similar, but not for sale at my local butcher.
posted by Drosera at 1:57 PM on November 6, 2016 [2 favorites]

Also most mammals have a Baculum; of the short list of those that don't ungulates are probably going to be the easiest to source though they don't really resemble human penii much.
posted by Mitheral at 3:24 PM on November 6, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I'd go with a sort of steamed pudding/dumpling. For full verisimilitude make two ground meat mixtures: one from muscle tissue and one from offal, to represent the various parts of the cross-section. I'd assemble the whole thing like this:

Roll three cylinders from the offal mixture, and coat them in the meat mixture. Set aside.
Roll a thin strip of dough (this har gow recipe should work) and roll it width-ways to make a long tube - this will be the urethra.
Place the urethra in the centre of the three meat/offal cylinders with one end protruding, and coat the cylinders with another layer of the meat mixture. Shape the "head" appropriately, and trim the urethra to size.
Roll out a wide strip of dough and shape it to form the "skin" of the construction. It might be a good idea to oil this, both to stop it sticking and to make it glisten.
Dampen a teatowel and put it in a steamer. Cook the construction until firm. Allow to cool, and then color it appropriately with food coloring and/or things like tea and soy sauce.
posted by Joe in Australia at 9:28 PM on November 6, 2016 [2 favorites]