I acted like a heel on a web forum. How can I make amends?
October 30, 2016 11:45 AM Subscribe
I treated a web forum that I love like a shameless self-promotional tool. What can I do to say I'm sorry?
There is this web forum that I...well, to say I love it would be an understatement. It's more like I RELY on it: the information posted there, the people I've come to trust and love and respect, the absolute surety that, if there's something I need to talk about and process, that topic will be there, with tons of smart people weighing in.
I've been on this site for a long time, since almost the beginning (1999). I remember how they helped me understand and process 9/11 when it happened, and now (fast-forward to the future) they are my go-to place for information about this ridiculous, terrible election. They've helped inform me and also mediate the craziness, and there's nowhere else like it on the web. I'm intensely grateful to them.
And so, what did I do to show my thanks? I ignored their terms of service, which prohibits self-links and which I never even bothered to read, and used the site as my personal self-promotion tool. A post about climate change, you say? Ooooh, here's a link to my blog with a story on it about climate change. A thread about embarrassing things that happened to you? Yep, here's a link to my blog about embarrassing things that happened to me. Oh, there's a post that has nouns in it? Great! My blog has nouns in it, too! Look at me! Look at me! I'm so embarrassed.
My only explanation for this terrible behavior is that I was caught in the grip of some kind of (not literal) mania. I had finished my second novel and found an agent for it, and she was submitting it to big publishing houses. This was when all the terrible behavior began -- before that, I was a normal contributor to the site who played by the rules I had not read. But when my novel went out on submission, I don't know, I guess the anxiety of waiting sort of undid me. Do they like it? Will they buy it? It was agony, sort of, and I guess I dealt with it by thinking that if I could prove that strangers liked my writing, then maybe there was hope for me. Maybe it meant I would have some success in the only thing I ever wanted to do, and that people would think I was worthy. I can't imagine why I was not banned from this site that I love for all of my obvious, pitiful attempts at self-promotion. I can only surmise it was because of the graciousness of the moderators. Perhaps they sensed I was working something out and decided to be merciful.
Anyway, I still read this site, every day, and in an effort to make amends I've funded it, something I should have done long ago. Aside from reading the terms of service and abiding by them, funding their efforts, and admitting to and apologizing for my bad behavior, is there anything else I can do to say "I'm sorry" to a website I've loved for almost 20 years? How do you apologize to a website, anyway?
There is this web forum that I...well, to say I love it would be an understatement. It's more like I RELY on it: the information posted there, the people I've come to trust and love and respect, the absolute surety that, if there's something I need to talk about and process, that topic will be there, with tons of smart people weighing in.
I've been on this site for a long time, since almost the beginning (1999). I remember how they helped me understand and process 9/11 when it happened, and now (fast-forward to the future) they are my go-to place for information about this ridiculous, terrible election. They've helped inform me and also mediate the craziness, and there's nowhere else like it on the web. I'm intensely grateful to them.
And so, what did I do to show my thanks? I ignored their terms of service, which prohibits self-links and which I never even bothered to read, and used the site as my personal self-promotion tool. A post about climate change, you say? Ooooh, here's a link to my blog with a story on it about climate change. A thread about embarrassing things that happened to you? Yep, here's a link to my blog about embarrassing things that happened to me. Oh, there's a post that has nouns in it? Great! My blog has nouns in it, too! Look at me! Look at me! I'm so embarrassed.
My only explanation for this terrible behavior is that I was caught in the grip of some kind of (not literal) mania. I had finished my second novel and found an agent for it, and she was submitting it to big publishing houses. This was when all the terrible behavior began -- before that, I was a normal contributor to the site who played by the rules I had not read. But when my novel went out on submission, I don't know, I guess the anxiety of waiting sort of undid me. Do they like it? Will they buy it? It was agony, sort of, and I guess I dealt with it by thinking that if I could prove that strangers liked my writing, then maybe there was hope for me. Maybe it meant I would have some success in the only thing I ever wanted to do, and that people would think I was worthy. I can't imagine why I was not banned from this site that I love for all of my obvious, pitiful attempts at self-promotion. I can only surmise it was because of the graciousness of the moderators. Perhaps they sensed I was working something out and decided to be merciful.
Anyway, I still read this site, every day, and in an effort to make amends I've funded it, something I should have done long ago. Aside from reading the terms of service and abiding by them, funding their efforts, and admitting to and apologizing for my bad behavior, is there anything else I can do to say "I'm sorry" to a website I've loved for almost 20 years? How do you apologize to a website, anyway?
This post was deleted for the following reason: Heya, if this is about Mefi you can post it in Metatalk or talk to us at the contact form. If it's not Mefi, that needs to be clearer, drop us a note and we can edit. -- LobsterMitten
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Do not continue to draw attention to yourself by performing apologies. Just stop doing the thing, maybe ratchet down your participation until you're sure you have a hold of yourself, and live your life. I am also someone who has lived long lives in internet communities, and in the grand scheme of things nobody cares, nor do they want to flog it endlessly, as long as you stop.
It feels like you've replaced no-impulse-control self-promotion with no-impulse-control shame and embarrassment (nobody cares as much as you want to think they care, or even think about it ever except at the moment you're being annoying, I promise) that, indeed, sounds a little manic, clinically or otherwise. This is only a big story to you. Just chill and behave going forward.
And it might be worth exploring some coping strategies for times of high stress so that you have a plan in place in advance the next time.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:56 AM on October 30, 2016 [2 favorites]