I'm here to stay!
August 9, 2016 7:08 PM Subscribe
In a serious relationship. Want to do something that symbolizes our commitment to each other. Ideas?
My partner and I have been together for over two years and lately have been feeling like we're entering a new phase of our relationship. We don't want to be engaged (yet, or maybe ever; both of us are divorced; neither of us is sure we want to marry again) but we do feel like this could be "it" - like we want to grow old together. Things just keep getting better and we are very, very happy.
We're talking about doing something that affirms our feelings and our commitment to each other - write out some words and say them to one another; exchange jewellery; get tattoos. These are the immediate things that came to mind, but they seem too obvious. I'd love to hear any other suggestions. Romantic is good; out of the box is good. Bonus points for something tangible that we can each carry with us/look at whenever we want.
Note: we don't live together and won't be able to for some time for various reasons, but it is a long-term goal.
My partner and I have been together for over two years and lately have been feeling like we're entering a new phase of our relationship. We don't want to be engaged (yet, or maybe ever; both of us are divorced; neither of us is sure we want to marry again) but we do feel like this could be "it" - like we want to grow old together. Things just keep getting better and we are very, very happy.
We're talking about doing something that affirms our feelings and our commitment to each other - write out some words and say them to one another; exchange jewellery; get tattoos. These are the immediate things that came to mind, but they seem too obvious. I'd love to hear any other suggestions. Romantic is good; out of the box is good. Bonus points for something tangible that we can each carry with us/look at whenever we want.
Note: we don't live together and won't be able to for some time for various reasons, but it is a long-term goal.
If you want to be a bit cutesy-symbolic about the idea of growing old together, you could get a pair of matching rocking chairs - the kind that old couples sit in next to each other on the porch. Since you can't live together yet, each of you could get one with the other's name carved/stenciled/painted on it. Then one day you can sit on your matching rocking-chairs as old folks together, on your porch or in your living room or wherever you would like some rocking-chairs.
I admit this is not very good for being carried around with you everywhere.
posted by Tomorrowful at 7:38 PM on August 9, 2016 [9 favorites]
I admit this is not very good for being carried around with you everywhere.
posted by Tomorrowful at 7:38 PM on August 9, 2016 [9 favorites]
a college girlfriend and i both drew a small diamond on the back of our hand every day for several months... doing it kinda reminds me of putting on my wedding ring now. i like that both are something you have to actively choose to do every day "ok, time to put on my wedding ring because my wife is awesome!" versus getting a tattoo which is certainly a commitment but not one you make again day after day.
(we of course did eventually stop with the diamonds so if you go this route consider if feelings will be hurt if someone slowly decides to stop doing something...)
posted by noloveforned at 8:02 PM on August 9, 2016 [4 favorites]
(we of course did eventually stop with the diamonds so if you go this route consider if feelings will be hurt if someone slowly decides to stop doing something...)
posted by noloveforned at 8:02 PM on August 9, 2016 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Get some really good photos of the two of you together and frame one for your desk. Really good photos - get a professional photographer (ask for an engagement type session).
When I'm at the office and everything seems stressful, I look a framed photo of my (now) husband and me. It always reminds me of how that day felt. We were newly engaged and full of love and hope and our future.
Getting real, professional photos is something you do when you're a family.
posted by 26.2 at 8:54 PM on August 9, 2016 [13 favorites]
When I'm at the office and everything seems stressful, I look a framed photo of my (now) husband and me. It always reminds me of how that day felt. We were newly engaged and full of love and hope and our future.
Getting real, professional photos is something you do when you're a family.
posted by 26.2 at 8:54 PM on August 9, 2016 [13 favorites]
We exchanged simple silver bands that we wore in place of wedding rings long before we were married but after we decided that we were both all in.
posted by saradarlin at 8:55 PM on August 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by saradarlin at 8:55 PM on August 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
Make a work of art together, maybe like a scrapbook or a quilt, write a book together, etc. When you are done you'll have whatever you guys made to enjoy forever!
posted by FireFountain at 9:03 PM on August 9, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by FireFountain at 9:03 PM on August 9, 2016 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Open up a joint bank account and each start funding it with say $500 to start and $50 a month to be used for your retirement, together. To me, planning for the long term future is symbolic of your expectations to be together. I would also get the professional photo mentioned above as a more overt symbol too.
posted by AugustWest at 9:38 PM on August 9, 2016 [16 favorites]
posted by AugustWest at 9:38 PM on August 9, 2016 [16 favorites]
Honestly the first thing I thought of was that you should both go sky diving together. I don't know why, but that seems totally monumental to me :D
posted by Toddles at 9:51 PM on August 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Toddles at 9:51 PM on August 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
You could wear matching or complementary bracelets or necklaces as well as rings.
posted by Bella Donna at 10:31 PM on August 9, 2016
posted by Bella Donna at 10:31 PM on August 9, 2016
If you pick up a pair of rocking chairs (!!!) and wanted a carry-with-you item, I suppose you could get matching seat cushions and carry fabric swatches in your wallets.
Mundane jewelry alternative: keychains.
Not yet suggested: buy bottles of wine to age and drink together in (5, 10, 15, etc.) years on your anniversaries, reflecting on how both the bottles and your relationship have changed over time.
posted by cdefgfeadgagfe at 1:07 AM on August 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
Mundane jewelry alternative: keychains.
Not yet suggested: buy bottles of wine to age and drink together in (5, 10, 15, etc.) years on your anniversaries, reflecting on how both the bottles and your relationship have changed over time.
posted by cdefgfeadgagfe at 1:07 AM on August 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
At a friend's wedding at the end of the ceremony they put a bottle of wine in a (padded) wooden box and nailed it shut. I think it had the date and their names burned into the lid. (The bride apparently enjoyed getting some of her nervous energy out via hammer!) The intention was for them to open and drink it on their first anniversary, which they did, but you could do this for a longer time with a newer vintage of wine or some other thing you like that gets better with age, and get something lovely worked into the lid so you can display it among your things. Many artists do custom pyrography (that's what the burnt wood art is called) so it wouldn't have to just be words and numbers. I think it would be really cool if you did two or four of these with an image or design that comes together when all the boxes are set together, so you can keep half in each of your homes for now and put them together when you move in together.
Kind of old fashioned, but a couple I know had custom stationery designed for them that they use to send notes and cards on. I think this is so charming! Even though you aren't living together, by committing yourselves to each other you're becoming part of your families' and friends' lives. You can send holiday greetings and thank you notes and notes with gifts and so-on with your stationery and even if the other person wasn't directly involved in the communication you're expressing to everyone that you're a unit and your warm feelings are doubled. And if you get an awesome sigil or some kind of motif created for yourselves it can be made into an endless amount of things, including jewelry that you could wear or a tattoo or an avatar for your online presences and so forth.
posted by Mizu at 1:45 AM on August 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
Kind of old fashioned, but a couple I know had custom stationery designed for them that they use to send notes and cards on. I think this is so charming! Even though you aren't living together, by committing yourselves to each other you're becoming part of your families' and friends' lives. You can send holiday greetings and thank you notes and notes with gifts and so-on with your stationery and even if the other person wasn't directly involved in the communication you're expressing to everyone that you're a unit and your warm feelings are doubled. And if you get an awesome sigil or some kind of motif created for yourselves it can be made into an endless amount of things, including jewelry that you could wear or a tattoo or an avatar for your online presences and so forth.
posted by Mizu at 1:45 AM on August 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
Every other week, meet together with a highly qualified couples counselor who is comforting for both of you.
The best relationships I have seen have been relationships that acknowledged that l-o-v-e is also w-o-r-k. Things will come up, and knowing that you're going to get F2F in the presence of an unbiased, wise person who wants your love to succeed as much as you do -- it's the best I've seen.
Tattoos and rings etc, that's cute, but this is where the rubber meets the road.
posted by dancestoblue at 3:27 AM on August 10, 2016 [4 favorites]
The best relationships I have seen have been relationships that acknowledged that l-o-v-e is also w-o-r-k. Things will come up, and knowing that you're going to get F2F in the presence of an unbiased, wise person who wants your love to succeed as much as you do -- it's the best I've seen.
Tattoos and rings etc, that's cute, but this is where the rubber meets the road.
posted by dancestoblue at 3:27 AM on August 10, 2016 [4 favorites]
Buy an expensive bottle of wine that will mature and be at its best in 10 years. Plan to drink it on your anniversary.
Think WAY outside the box if you want to get each other things. For example, I bought my husband an engagement BBQ. Or maybe get matching kayaks to use for future couple vacations. Things you can share together.
Don't get tattoos. I love tattoos (I have 4), and I love my husband more than breathing but I'm not so naive as to think that it is impossible for us to break up. Our relationship is wicked good and strong, but no relationship is incorruptable. The last thing I would want is a permanent representation of a failed relationship etched on to my body. The possible shoulder-shrug regret of not having done it would be SO MUCH LESS than the flaming swords of death raining from the sky regret from having done it and then breaking up and being stuck with it.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 7:47 AM on August 10, 2016 [2 favorites]
Think WAY outside the box if you want to get each other things. For example, I bought my husband an engagement BBQ. Or maybe get matching kayaks to use for future couple vacations. Things you can share together.
Don't get tattoos. I love tattoos (I have 4), and I love my husband more than breathing but I'm not so naive as to think that it is impossible for us to break up. Our relationship is wicked good and strong, but no relationship is incorruptable. The last thing I would want is a permanent representation of a failed relationship etched on to my body. The possible shoulder-shrug regret of not having done it would be SO MUCH LESS than the flaming swords of death raining from the sky regret from having done it and then breaking up and being stuck with it.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 7:47 AM on August 10, 2016 [2 favorites]
I always thought getting rings was corny - until we reached the same place you're in. We decided to get rings, but we picked out the one we liked, and they didn't match at all. So it was a commitment, a visible reminder, but also a nod to our individuality.
We still have those 1st rings even though we don't wear them (we wear matching silver bands now), and looking back at them now & then always brings a smile, even after 16 years.
posted by yoga at 10:56 AM on August 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
We still have those 1st rings even though we don't wear them (we wear matching silver bands now), and looking back at them now & then always brings a smile, even after 16 years.
posted by yoga at 10:56 AM on August 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
Adopt a bench! To me there is nothing more romantic than having your names on a bench in NYC's Central Park (and what a great excuse for a getaway!), or you could choose something closer to you in Toronto. Or you could adopt a brick, for example at the Toronto Zoo.
posted by rada at 1:13 PM on August 10, 2016
posted by rada at 1:13 PM on August 10, 2016
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by STFUDonnie at 7:35 PM on August 9, 2016 [4 favorites]