Getting over inexplicable behavior from someone you loved

May 7, 2016 11:47 PM

Have you ever loved someone who ended up leaving you cold, like you dated a stranger whose values completely differed from yours? Have you suffered cognitive dissonance when a loved one betrayed you in a way that you just can't understand or could have foreseen, much like that caused by narcissistic abuse?

I am still reeling from a break up of a relationship lasting almost 4 years. The break up happened last year. My ex and I were talking about marriage and were making plans to move in together. While he was showing reluctance about marriage, he was not showing reluctance about moving in. Our relationship had been so amazing and everyone thought marriage was just an eventuality up until that point that I thought it was a matter of talking it out/cold feet/life transitions. I simply wanted a conversation about where his head was at, but he kept avoiding it, telling other people he wasn't feeling in love with me anymore (something I found out later), and said that I always gave him "homework" and "nagged" him about this. Then he proceeded to break up and begin dating someone right away. I strongly suspect cheating had happened. In the year since the break up, we have kept in touch and it was extremely emotionally abusive.

I don't want to go into details except that we are no longer in touch and there were just so many mind-bending behaviors from him. I felt like I never knew this man and that his values had completely changed. I felt discarded and devalued--two emotions I keep telling myself are NOT NORMAL in a loving break up. I keep telling myself that, while I had been broken up with by the first man i loved (ex before this ex), I was never DISTURBED. I was sad, did all the break up moping, and missed him like crazy, but the break up was completely understandable and the ex behaved in a way that I would identify as consistent with his personality and as consistent with my idea of "integrity."

With this current ex, I look back and while I loved him much harder, I simply cannot conceive of a core integrity to him--his character is not tangible to me. It makes me immeasurably sad that I spent four years on a man whose integrity I can't even grasp. It makes me wonder what we even talked about for four years. Has anyone else had this feeling about an ex? I think I stayed in touch because I couldn't believe that this man I felt like was part of my soul--a sentiment he repeated--could act so cruelly towards me as soon as he had a new girlfriend. She also cheated on her ex to get with him. If you go through my past MeFis, you'll see that this is a pattern and almost identical to how we got together originally. I really thought that what happened with us (in how we cheated on our SOs at the time to get together) was a one-time thing, because our old relationships were already dying, and because we had completely fallen in love in a way that felt inevitable.

I have all the signs of PTSD. I wake up depressed and anxious everyday, and go "WTF" often throughout the day, remembering snippets of the past--of red flags I should have seen and moments of gaslighting that I didn't realize until much later. Whenever someone new I date treats me in a decent, thoughtful way--even as we are breaking up or fighting--whenever someone meets my expectations of human decency and respect--I cry from the trauma of how I let my ex behave in ways that disturbed me so much. There were so many moments where my intuition cried out "SOMETHING ISN'T RIGHT. THIS ISN'T HOW PEOPLE BEHAVE, EVEN IF YOU ARE BREAKING UP; EVEN IF HE NO LONGER FEELS IN LOVE." There was just such a void of respect and decency... how do you get over something like this? WHAT is it... narcissism?? How could someone have been such a model boyfriend and be so cruel in a break up?

Apologies for the lack of details, but I would appreciate any answers.

Tl;dr: Is it really true that assholes acting like assholes isn't personal? I suffer from so much self-esteem issues due to things he said about how "his standard had changed" and I no longer "contributed" to his life. I keep thinking maybe it is me... that maybe his new girlfriend is just better. But I know this is not right and a product of having trusted him for so long. There is something about his behavior that makes me think basic RESPECT of another person should be separate from feeling in love with that person.

posted by minoraltercation to Human Relations (1 answer total)

Response by poster: Another question I wonder is Whether I am just sensitive and overreacting... Whether I am the narcissist because I don't know how to handle rejection. But whenever I think back and talk to friends who knew us... I can't think of how I could have read his behavior and representations of our future as anything other than an intent to commit or at least try when times get a little hard. And since I've been dating, I've realized that I DON'T chase people who are sending signals that they like me less or want different things. I've realized that I AM capable of understanding when things aren't meshing and to let go. But the ex made me feel like I had so many issues. He would be like "it's been six months, why aren't you over it" when he had been dating someone the entire time and was still saying things like "we could have worked out" and "i'm not in love with [the person I'm currently dating]." I felt so CRAZY for getting angry at him and tried so hard to relax. At one point, he even told me to "relax and leave open the possibilities [for us]." Just... wtf happened... what. is. this.
posted by minoraltercation at 11:56 PM on May 7, 2016 [1 favorite]