Do I mention a nasty personal rumor to a colleague at work?

May 3, 2016 11:43 PM

Over the weekend a very nasty rumor regarding one of my colleagues at the office reached me, and I'm troubled about what to do. It would damage him if it reaches the wrong ears. Should I tell him that this rumor is making the rounds? Would you want to know?

The rumor primarily is about a coworker's personal life, but could have a terrible impact on both his career and his marriage whether or not it is true. I do not (for the record) believe it is true, but I am often a bit of a Pollyanna about this kind of thing. There is no question of anything illegal, but if it were true would be divisive, unethical and immoral.

Should I tell this coworker about this rumor? We are at the same hierarchical level-- no issue of reporting lines. I like him, but I would not say we are friends-- friendly, I guess. We have discussed some private matters but nothing like this. Assume that if I have heard this rumor, then almost everyone else in the office has already heard. I understand that there was a gathering of our peers last night (which I did not attend) where this was widely discussed. The coworker in question is, like me, not local, and Hong Kong culture is not the kind of culture where anyone will tell him to his face.

My instinct is to tell this coworker about the rumor, without comment or judgement and to explain doing so by telling him that if it were me I would want someone to tell me. Is this the right thing to do or not?

In a past role, I was once the subject of a similar rumor. It was untrue, but many believed it, and it took a really long time and did a lot of damage to me before I found out it was being spread. I would have liked to know earlier that the rumor was in play. This experience may be clouding my judgement.

I so very much wish I had never heard anything, it honestly makes me sad and tired and angry at the world. Maybe that's clouding my judgement too.

What do you think? To tell or not to tell? And why?

posted by anonymous to Work & Money (31 answers total)

Personally it's hard for me to express an opinion without having a better sense of the content of the rumor. You say it's personal, but that it could also affect his career.

Generally speaking, though, I would say you would do your colleague a favor to send him an anonymous email with what you know.
posted by crazy with stars at 11:49 PM on May 3, 2016 [1 favorite]

Can you go to HR and ask them what they will do about a colleague being defamed ? Obviously refuse to state the nature of the statements but ask for their assistance. That's the most professional response I believe and leaves it to the experts to stop the work rumours. Once informed, they are culpable if they don't act upon toxic work place dynamics. And if it doesn't stop, you tell hr you'll be telling the victim to lawyer up.
posted by taff at 11:55 PM on May 3, 2016 [3 favorites]

Well, for what it's worth, I think telling him is the right thing to do, for the reasons you do - I'd like to know if I were in his shoes, and it might give him a chance at controlling his response and maybe some of theirs.

Though, that's not guaranteed; he might do something silly about it, too*, and put himself in a worse situation. Another consideration: do you think he might have any reason to disbelieve you, or suspect you of trying to undermine him - any possibility of competition there? That could make things worse for you.

I guess it depends on how confident you are in your knowledge of him and the situation. If in your estimation, he trusts you (well enough, or doesn't have a reason you can see to mistrust you), and if you think he's capable of responding to this without making things worse, telling him might help him (and might not hurt you). If you're going to do it, your approach sounds good to me.

*or something that has unexpected consequences because of the cultural differences between him and the rest of the office.
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:03 AM on May 4, 2016

Best answer: If there is no HR, I would favor talking to the co-worker, but anonymous email is virtually always a bad idea. The poor man won't feel comfortable around anybody.

(I've also been the victim of a rumor and was grateful to the person who told me, which allowed me to confront those who started the sorry story.)
posted by she's not there at 12:06 AM on May 4, 2016 [18 favorites]

Can you go to HR and ask them what they will do about a colleague being defamed ?

It might be true, though, too, this could open up the question of the truth of the rumour etc.
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:25 AM on May 4, 2016

(Also, sorry - is anything other than his reputation at stake?)
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:31 AM on May 4, 2016

One of my THINGS is that ethics is VERY important to me. I have been in your position. I was the messenger that got shot. BUT I do not regret being the messenger - to me it was the most ethical thing to do. I think the person knowing the truth about the people around him and what was being said actually helped him cope with it and deal with it how he chose, rather than becoming a victim of circumstance. Tell him, with compassion and understanding.
posted by shazzam! at 1:04 AM on May 4, 2016 [10 favorites]

Best answer: I would, and have, absolutely tell your coworker immediately, no hesitation. He can't do any damage control until he knows. I would want to know.

Thanks for actually thinking about him and his life and not just perpetuating this. Pull him aside today at the first opportunity you get and tell him.
posted by phunniemee at 4:11 AM on May 4, 2016 [16 favorites]

I'm going to disagree. I don't know the culture in Hong Kong, so take this for what it's worth. Leave it alone.

What exactly could your co-worker do in this situation? Is there any damage control that can take place that wouldn't intensify the drama around the rumor? What if it's true?

There are so many ways this can go tits up for you, and very little benefit that your co-worker would derive from knowing, if he doesn't know already.

Gossip is a terrible thing, but in an office you need to be in the grapevine. I always found that being someone people felt comfortable telling juicy stuff to, without validating or approving of it was the best way to go. Here is a response that works for me.

"Wow, that's juicy, but what are the odds that it's true?"

Never be the one spreading gossip though.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:13 AM on May 4, 2016 [8 favorites]

Best answer: It's a sorry thing to say in my role, but this is precisely the area where I do not trust HR.

I think your instincts are right here. I currently work for a large corporate, and recently had an experience with HR regarding false rumours. It really underlined the adage that HR is there first and foremost to protect the company.

In your position, I would tell him. Then he can make an informed decision as to whether he wants to take further action, including going to HR if he thinks that is appropriate. But it will be his decision. Keep in mind that if there is an HR investigation, you are likely to be asked to go on record as to what you heard and who told it to you.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 4:17 AM on May 4, 2016 [4 favorites]

Best answer: Is there any damage control that can take place that wouldn't intensify the drama around the rumor?

Some quick examples from the top of my head; he could _possibly_:

- Prepare to deflect the rumor, calmly, if someone asks him about it (especially his wife). It would be nice for him to be able to say "I heard that's going around, but it's not true. I would never X because I believe Y, but also I was in Australia that week."

- Find the person who is spreading the rumor, and correct that person's impressions before the rumor spreads further.

- Start adjusting emotionally to the idea that this could get out among coworkers; after the emotional reaction, practical planning can take place. Then, when it's an issue, he'll be able to handle it thoughtfully.
posted by amtho at 4:21 AM on May 4, 2016 [7 favorites]

is it possible you are over-reacting? it sounds like there's a rumour they are having an affair. but people have affairs all the time and it's not the end of the world. maybe you were particularly hurt when a similar rumour affected you, and that is colouring your judgement?
posted by andrewcooke at 4:46 AM on May 4, 2016 [6 favorites]

I'm with Ruthless Bunny - I'd do nothing.

It's nothing more than a rumor, and if no one is in any danger, pretend you didn't hear it. If someone brings it up, feign ignorance. That's how I deal with gossip (and that's why I don't hear a lot of it).

If the rumor is true, it will come out. If it isn't true, it will pass.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 5:08 AM on May 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

I wear the HR hat in my company and, sorry to say, there's more harm that could be done here than good. Because it's not a work-related matter. There is this mythos that HR has this ability (and/or willingness) to be the attitude police, or expend energy to make sure everyone's feeling like they've been treated fairly. In fact, HR has a responsibility to make sure the company is treating employees fairly, and beyond that there is little more it can or will do in most cases.

IF this rumor persists, I'd go to this person directly, ask for a good time to talk to him, and let him know what's happening. However, I'd give it a little more time to see if this is a persistent rumor or just a silly story that went around and dies off.
posted by randomkeystrike at 5:11 AM on May 4, 2016 [6 favorites]

Do nothing. Noneofyabusiness.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:35 AM on May 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

I don't get the 'don't tell him' thing. He should be the only one in his company not to know about the story?

It sounds to me that you have a close enough relationship with him, and it sounds like a sufficiently impactful story that he should know.

Regardless of it being work-related or not, if that is circulating at work I would tell him. Don't wait, do it now. Waiting just allows it to fester a bit longer, and reduces his opportunities to act (if he wants to).
posted by GeeEmm at 5:47 AM on May 4, 2016 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Do not, under any circumstances, go to HR. Doing so elevates the situation unnecessarily and in my personal experience I've found that HR rarely has the best interests of their employees at heart.

As I see it, in the Hobbesian fend-for-oneself world of office politics, you have two options (in ascending order of riskiness):

1) DO NOTHING. This is not your problem.

2) Pull the poor soul aside, tell him what's going on in private, and then let him resolve it on his own. What he does from that point is out of your control and does not concern you. The risk here is that he might make you party to the drama by identifying you as the messenger.

Whatever decision you make, my advice to you is simple: DO NOT FUEL the rumor mill. If your coworkers bring it up again, rebuff by smiling then saying "Hm. I wouldn't know anything about that" and then promptly disengage.
posted by lecorbeau at 6:07 AM on May 4, 2016 [6 favorites]

There is a third option here, which is to be his ally without him knowing it. Next time you hear coworkers discussing the rumor, why not say something along the lines of "How do you know that to be true, and if you don't know, why are you discussing X's personal life?" Then change the subject.
posted by Brittanie at 6:44 AM on May 4, 2016 [11 favorites]

Best answer: If I were the person, I would probably like to know. But keep in mind that there are two issues here that could complicate the situation and also make it difficult for your coworker:

1. You perception of the nature and extent of the gossip may not be accurate. People sometimes talk crap without actually being as concerned about it as you are.

2. Regarding #1, depending on how you communicate this, it may give your coworker the perception of something that is actually not the case, which can increase their anxiety. Namely, there is "extensive gossip" that is "super serious" regarding a specific thing. There is little way for a person to confirm or deny your perception of how people are communicating behind their back.

It is so hard to get #1 right, because we are limited by our perceptions, and about #2, we have a tendency to communicate in ways that put weight on things that we are troubled by, versus what may reflect reality.

This doesn't mean you shouldn't communicate what you have heard, only that you need to be careful about relaying the extent of #1, and the tone of #2. Gossip isn't just insidious to the person being talked about, but also to the people who are the active or unwilling participants of that information being passed around.

As noted above, I might opt to not tell, but to serve as his ally when people start to gossip. Gossip is gross much of the time, and shutting it down when you can, or choosing not to participate, serves a public good.
posted by SpacemanStix at 7:24 AM on May 4, 2016 [3 favorites]

There is a third option here, which is to be his ally without him knowing it. Next time you hear coworkers discussing the rumor, why not say something along the lines of "How do you know that to be true, and if you don't know, why are you discussing X's personal life?" Then change the subject.

Amended version:
"How do you know that to be true, and whether it is or is not true, why are you discussing X's personal life?" Then change the subject.
posted by Dolley at 7:25 AM on May 4, 2016 [3 favorites]

In response to the suggestions above, I don't think being confrontational about it ("Why are you talking about it in the first place?!!") will do you any favors. In war, like at the office, you need all the allies you can muster.

Just be polite but do not engage. It's simple.
posted by lecorbeau at 7:28 AM on May 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

lecorbeau is so right. Don't involve HR, my god. And don't white knight about it.

Most ethical choice: pull the guy aside today and tell him what you heard and from whom.

Most self-protective choice: do nothing. Politely do not engage when you hear more about it.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:35 AM on May 4, 2016

I would definitely tell him, and I agree with your approach of saying it with no judgment or comment and explaining that you would want to know if it were you. I'd probably say something like, "Hey, I have something serious to talk to you about. I've heard a rumor circulating around the office that you're having an affair with the boss [or whatever]. The only reason I'm telling you this is that I've been the subject of rumors in the past and would have wanted to know what people were saying about me so I could manage it." And then if he says to you that it's true or not true, you can reiterate that it's none of your business, but you just wanted him to know that the rumor is out there so he can decide what to do about it.
posted by chickenmagazine at 7:42 AM on May 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I work in a company in Hong Kong with a mixture of local and non-local staff, though things are quite linguistically segregated. We have about 250 employees. I think you must tell him immediately.

If the rumour involves money or sex, there is nothing he will be able to do to stop people talking about this; in a tiny company perhaps he could tamp it down but between WhatsApp groups and the fact that you say it's odd that you know it's probably already out there, sadly. He may still be safe in the eyes of people who don't care about work politics or among people who are more mature, but for your colleagues who may be in their first real office job, this is the stuff of films and will remain widely discussed, maybe for years!

The taboo nature of the subject, whatever it is, paired with the fact that non-local staff socialise with colleagues here way more than they would at home since they don't have a local friend base, means people will bring it up regardless. The alcoholic nature of "gatherings" with colleagues at restaurants and bars and our city's propensity for working all the damn time near-ensures this.

That said: telling him that the rumour is out there must, I think, be paired with you mentioning that you think no one will tell him to his face - in his home culture, perhaps people would have told him immediately, or rumours spread differently - perhaps people where he is from routinely call out bullshit rumours and quash gossip so he never has dealt with it.

His lack of Cantonese proficiency (I am assuming here that he doesn't speak it) may be a blessing, though, because he can at least walk through the halls and not hear it every day.
posted by mdonley at 7:46 AM on May 4, 2016 [2 favorites]

I know of someone who was in a similar situation. There was a rumor that they were having an affair with their immediate supervisor, a colleague of many years and promotional ladder-rungs. Knowledge in this case was power; the two agreed to cut way back on their friendship (regular lunches, family parties, and the like), and picked it back up after one left the company. That being said, be aware that it may fracture your friendship with this colleague, since the bearer of bad news is in a tough spot.
posted by tchemgrrl at 7:56 AM on May 4, 2016

FWIW, I think you did the right thing.
posted by holborne at 7:59 AM on May 4, 2016 [7 favorites]

(And you did it well. Nice one :) )
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:45 AM on May 4, 2016 [5 favorites]

One other thought: Just because he didn't deny it strenuously in the moment after you told him, doesn't mean the rumor's true. It sounds like he was startled and emotionally affected. It may be so unpleasant for him to think and talk about that he may not deny it later, either; sometimes it's hard to think of a way to deny something that doesn't, at least in our minds, make us sound more guilty. It's a difficult position in any case.
posted by amtho at 10:24 AM on May 4, 2016 [2 favorites]

I think you did the right thing! It took a lot of courage.
posted by shesbenevolent at 11:30 AM on May 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

Yes, you did the right thing. I was in a similar situation (work colleague had to tell me of a horrendous rumor about me that literally everyone knew except me) and I still consider her a close friend. Good for you in being brave.
posted by saucysault at 1:24 PM on May 4, 2016

Good job; I honestly wasn't worried about your reaction so much as I was writing for "the future" -- other people faced with similar dilemmas, or people thinking about rumors and accusations.
posted by amtho at 6:26 PM on May 4, 2016 [1 favorite]