Moving in together: Sword of Damacles style
March 31, 2016 7:35 AM Subscribe
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. We are extremely happy for the most part, and it's generally great. The problem? My boyfriend is 95% sure he wants to live together, but is worried about the 5% that's not certain. I feel absolutely anxious about waiting on the decision as well as feeling hurt.
He generally has a really difficult time with decisions. Part of this stems from his previous relationship background, which involved a divorce.
He tells me that he loves me and wants to be with me, and he feels cruddy for causing me pain. For my part, I just want the decision to be made.
We had talked about it this weekend, and he said he would have a decision last night. He ended up coming down with the flu, and he said he was feeling so fuzzy he hadn't had time to decide yet. At that point, I felt pretty devastated. Honestly, it does hurt that it isn't an easy decision for him.
He says he's pretty certain he wants to take this next step, but he needs to think about it for another week or so. He did give me a firm deadline for his decision of a week from Sunday.
I basically want advice on how to deal with this until he makes his decision. I'm in a lot of pain, and my anxiety is pretty overwhelming. I scheduled an appointment with my therapist for today. Any relevant experiences or advice is appreciated. For further context, we are both 30. We've been together for 3 years, and have been through some major life transitions together on both of our ends.
He generally has a really difficult time with decisions. Part of this stems from his previous relationship background, which involved a divorce.
He tells me that he loves me and wants to be with me, and he feels cruddy for causing me pain. For my part, I just want the decision to be made.
We had talked about it this weekend, and he said he would have a decision last night. He ended up coming down with the flu, and he said he was feeling so fuzzy he hadn't had time to decide yet. At that point, I felt pretty devastated. Honestly, it does hurt that it isn't an easy decision for him.
He says he's pretty certain he wants to take this next step, but he needs to think about it for another week or so. He did give me a firm deadline for his decision of a week from Sunday.
I basically want advice on how to deal with this until he makes his decision. I'm in a lot of pain, and my anxiety is pretty overwhelming. I scheduled an appointment with my therapist for today. Any relevant experiences or advice is appreciated. For further context, we are both 30. We've been together for 3 years, and have been through some major life transitions together on both of our ends.
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- LobsterMitten
Another week to think about this? After three years? Lame! I don't see this relationship lasting much longer.
posted by mareli at 7:39 AM on March 31, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by mareli at 7:39 AM on March 31, 2016 [6 favorites]
If the next step is important to you, you deserve someone who's excited about taking it with you.
posted by hollyholly at 7:45 AM on March 31, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by hollyholly at 7:45 AM on March 31, 2016 [5 favorites]
In addition to the therapy, which is a good move, I would stack your week with fun and amazing stuff that you can do on your own (impromptu vacation to Mexico with your BFF? class you've wanted to take?) to give yourself some space to think about if you want to be with someone with unresolved issues that affect your life to this extent.
posted by *s at 7:47 AM on March 31, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by *s at 7:47 AM on March 31, 2016 [3 favorites]
How about YOU decide?
Clearly this man is not ready to commit. A man who is ready does it. He's excited about it. It's not an agonizing decision.
Go ahead and renew your lease or get a new place or whatever it is you'd be doing if the answer is no. BTW, the answer is no. If he says yes, he's not doing it because this is what he wants, he's doing it to make you happy. But, he'll be unhappy and feeling trapped. Your relationship will crumble because he's doing something that physically makes him ILL to think about and then you'll have a bigger place you can't afford and the hassle of moving again.
Personally, this is really an answer about your future with this guy. He doesn't want more, and in fact, he's probably working up the courage to tell you he wants less, or none. He might not know it, but this is what it is. It's going to hurt like a motherfucker, but PLEASE do not press him to commit when he's clearly not ready, and may never BE ready.
Call him right now and tell him, "Sweetheart, I love you, but I don't think we're ready to move in together." Then listen for that laugh of relief, because that's what's going to happen. He's thinking, "I've got a girlfriend until I'm ready to move on, AND I don't have to do anything about her because she's been around for three years, and now she's not pressuring me for more, AWESOME!"
After three years, you're either planning a future together, or one of you is furiously tap dancing to keep things status quo because you don't want to move forward, but you're not ready to break up.
Once you're settled in your own place, think about what's really going on here, and when you're ready, break up.
If you want someone to be your partner for the rest of your life, you need to let this man go, so you can make room for someone who WILL easily want to partner with you. And there won't be any of this bullshit.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:47 AM on March 31, 2016 [16 favorites]
Clearly this man is not ready to commit. A man who is ready does it. He's excited about it. It's not an agonizing decision.
Go ahead and renew your lease or get a new place or whatever it is you'd be doing if the answer is no. BTW, the answer is no. If he says yes, he's not doing it because this is what he wants, he's doing it to make you happy. But, he'll be unhappy and feeling trapped. Your relationship will crumble because he's doing something that physically makes him ILL to think about and then you'll have a bigger place you can't afford and the hassle of moving again.
Personally, this is really an answer about your future with this guy. He doesn't want more, and in fact, he's probably working up the courage to tell you he wants less, or none. He might not know it, but this is what it is. It's going to hurt like a motherfucker, but PLEASE do not press him to commit when he's clearly not ready, and may never BE ready.
Call him right now and tell him, "Sweetheart, I love you, but I don't think we're ready to move in together." Then listen for that laugh of relief, because that's what's going to happen. He's thinking, "I've got a girlfriend until I'm ready to move on, AND I don't have to do anything about her because she's been around for three years, and now she's not pressuring me for more, AWESOME!"
After three years, you're either planning a future together, or one of you is furiously tap dancing to keep things status quo because you don't want to move forward, but you're not ready to break up.
Once you're settled in your own place, think about what's really going on here, and when you're ready, break up.
If you want someone to be your partner for the rest of your life, you need to let this man go, so you can make room for someone who WILL easily want to partner with you. And there won't be any of this bullshit.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:47 AM on March 31, 2016 [16 favorites]
I'm sorry but it sounds like he's just stalling. Head-in-the-sand.
To be blunt: I don't think he wants to move in with you yet. And I think it would be unwise to push him on this if he's resisting it a lot, as do you know what's way worse than not moving in together, would be moving in together and then him freaking out and leaving.
How to deal with this depends on how much it means to you to move in at this point. Plenty of folk don't and are perfectly happy. Plenty do, and it's as important a milestone as marriage to them, and they treat it with the according amount of importance and mutual respect.
I will say it sounds like from this: "He tells me that he loves me and wants to be with me," that you feel like the truth in that statement will be compromised if you don't move in together soon. I would think over and challenge that, but only so far as you can whilst being honest with yourself about your feelings.
If you can go ahead without moving in together and still be happy in your relationship with him, then adjust the weight you are placing on it and tell him to strike it off the discussion list until he's more comfortable with it. If you can't, I recommend taking a break for a month to get some headspace to figure out what you want for the future.
posted by greenish at 7:48 AM on March 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
To be blunt: I don't think he wants to move in with you yet. And I think it would be unwise to push him on this if he's resisting it a lot, as do you know what's way worse than not moving in together, would be moving in together and then him freaking out and leaving.
How to deal with this depends on how much it means to you to move in at this point. Plenty of folk don't and are perfectly happy. Plenty do, and it's as important a milestone as marriage to them, and they treat it with the according amount of importance and mutual respect.
I will say it sounds like from this: "He tells me that he loves me and wants to be with me," that you feel like the truth in that statement will be compromised if you don't move in together soon. I would think over and challenge that, but only so far as you can whilst being honest with yourself about your feelings.
If you can go ahead without moving in together and still be happy in your relationship with him, then adjust the weight you are placing on it and tell him to strike it off the discussion list until he's more comfortable with it. If you can't, I recommend taking a break for a month to get some headspace to figure out what you want for the future.
posted by greenish at 7:48 AM on March 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
I'm curious what it would mean if he says no. Does that mean he's not ready yet and will be later? How much longer would you be willing to wait for? Or would that mean the relationship isn't working out? Or he wants to live apart indefinitely and maintain the relationship?
I would make sure you are on the same page as far as seeing moving in as the next step of the process. Then I would decide how much longer I can wait for him to make up his mind because three years is a long time. If he's not being proactive, you can.
posted by monologish at 7:48 AM on March 31, 2016 [4 favorites]
I would make sure you are on the same page as far as seeing moving in as the next step of the process. Then I would decide how much longer I can wait for him to make up his mind because three years is a long time. If he's not being proactive, you can.
posted by monologish at 7:48 AM on March 31, 2016 [4 favorites]
You should get some joy out of relationships, not just an increased need for therapy.
posted by Trifling at 7:49 AM on March 31, 2016 [10 favorites]
posted by Trifling at 7:49 AM on March 31, 2016 [10 favorites]
Do not move in with this person this year.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:50 AM on March 31, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by Lyn Never at 7:50 AM on March 31, 2016 [4 favorites]
If it helps: I was in a relationship where I opted out of moving in together because I was REALLY HAPPY with our relationship, and didn’t want to potentially mess it up by having to deal with each other’s dirty laundry. Relationships can be serious and committed without cohabitation. Whether or not this is your situation, I have no idea, but it may help to consider that the reasons for his hesitation may have nothing to do with a lack of interest in you.
posted by metasarah at 7:58 AM on March 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by metasarah at 7:58 AM on March 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
I'm also in the camp that says that the partner you want will enthusiastically take next steps with you. It's been 3 years; you're not rushing anything. While being a child of divorce can be hard, it shouldn't immobilize your ability to make decisions and be clear about your intentions as an adult. If it does, that requires dedicated work in therapy.
Even if he does tell you what you want to hear when he reaches his arbitrary deadline, I'd be concerned that he lacks enthusiasm for being with me and also can't manage making adult decisions in a way that's clearly communicated. For me, the fact that he's decision avoidant and doesn't communicate hesitations well would be a major problem. Whatever his reasons, I don't think he's really ready to move in with you and be the partner you want.
posted by quince at 8:04 AM on March 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
Even if he does tell you what you want to hear when he reaches his arbitrary deadline, I'd be concerned that he lacks enthusiasm for being with me and also can't manage making adult decisions in a way that's clearly communicated. For me, the fact that he's decision avoidant and doesn't communicate hesitations well would be a major problem. Whatever his reasons, I don't think he's really ready to move in with you and be the partner you want.
posted by quince at 8:04 AM on March 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
Don't move in together, yet. Instead, take this off the table for a few months. And then spend some time thinking about what you both want.
This pressure and decision-making is making you both ill. You are not a bad person for knowing what you want, and he is not a bad person for not being sure. I might suggest couples counseling, but don't see it as a way to change his mind. Instead, see it as a way to help learn more about each other.
posted by umwhat at 8:05 AM on March 31, 2016
This pressure and decision-making is making you both ill. You are not a bad person for knowing what you want, and he is not a bad person for not being sure. I might suggest couples counseling, but don't see it as a way to change his mind. Instead, see it as a way to help learn more about each other.
posted by umwhat at 8:05 AM on March 31, 2016
I thought that was all I had to say, but it's not.
You guys already have an awful dynamic. You've actually bought the excuse that he's indecisive because he got divorced that one time. He knows you're dependent enough that you'll let him gut-punch you over and over and still actually move in with him if he does eventually pick living with you over the status quo. Your justification for doing this is the sunk cost fallacy that you've been through a lot together and so that's somehow an indicator that you should stay together.
Do not be in a relationship that requires you to beg for scraps. Do not be in a relationship with someone who is either too unwell to actually know his own mind (tip: very few people who are otherwise capable of feeding/cleaning themselves, working a job or going to school, operating a car or living independently don't actually know) or is feeding you that line. He knows what he wants, he just doesn't want to tell you, or is afraid that choosing you means giving up the dream of that much better girlfriend he's hoping will be along any minute now, because that's what he really wants/deserves.
There are perfectly legitimate reasons to not want to live with someone. Those reasons are all easily articulated. "I don't believe in living together before marriage." "I'm not ready to semi-merge finances with you, because I'm still cleaning mine up/college debt/dependence on a parent or vice versa/still working on some legacy tensions around money that I know will hurt the relationship." "I don't think we should live together unless marriage is firmly on the table, and I'm sorry but I'm not seeing that for us." "The ghosts don't like you." Whatever, there's a reason, and grown-ups in a stable relationship would say what they were.
But also don't move in with anybody who got divorced and did not take the opportunity to do some hardcore emotional renovation and instead just walk around flopping bonelessly about "but-but-but divorrrrrrce". We've had a number of threads here about emotional labor, you should check them out as you make your own independent decision about what to do with the situation as it stands right now.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:06 AM on March 31, 2016 [9 favorites]
You guys already have an awful dynamic. You've actually bought the excuse that he's indecisive because he got divorced that one time. He knows you're dependent enough that you'll let him gut-punch you over and over and still actually move in with him if he does eventually pick living with you over the status quo. Your justification for doing this is the sunk cost fallacy that you've been through a lot together and so that's somehow an indicator that you should stay together.
Do not be in a relationship that requires you to beg for scraps. Do not be in a relationship with someone who is either too unwell to actually know his own mind (tip: very few people who are otherwise capable of feeding/cleaning themselves, working a job or going to school, operating a car or living independently don't actually know) or is feeding you that line. He knows what he wants, he just doesn't want to tell you, or is afraid that choosing you means giving up the dream of that much better girlfriend he's hoping will be along any minute now, because that's what he really wants/deserves.
There are perfectly legitimate reasons to not want to live with someone. Those reasons are all easily articulated. "I don't believe in living together before marriage." "I'm not ready to semi-merge finances with you, because I'm still cleaning mine up/college debt/dependence on a parent or vice versa/still working on some legacy tensions around money that I know will hurt the relationship." "I don't think we should live together unless marriage is firmly on the table, and I'm sorry but I'm not seeing that for us." "The ghosts don't like you." Whatever, there's a reason, and grown-ups in a stable relationship would say what they were.
But also don't move in with anybody who got divorced and did not take the opportunity to do some hardcore emotional renovation and instead just walk around flopping bonelessly about "but-but-but divorrrrrrce". We've had a number of threads here about emotional labor, you should check them out as you make your own independent decision about what to do with the situation as it stands right now.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:06 AM on March 31, 2016 [9 favorites]
5% not ready? Welcome to life dude. What happens when you want to get married or have kids? Who is 100% ready for anything?
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:07 AM on March 31, 2016 [13 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:07 AM on March 31, 2016 [13 favorites]
I think you should make the decision for him because it's bullshit to have to sit meekly and wait on a man's whims, after three years of dating! Tell him you won't be moving in with him this year. And like many folks have said above, it's probably time to start thinking about moving on.
Being an agonized decision-maker isn't a great trait in a life partner anyway, to be honest.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:07 AM on March 31, 2016 [4 favorites]
Being an agonized decision-maker isn't a great trait in a life partner anyway, to be honest.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:07 AM on March 31, 2016 [4 favorites]
If he's freaking out about the 5% it sounds as he may be having issues that are around anxiety in general, and this is how it's showing up. I'd have a talk with him around the issue of anxiety first, and move on from there.
He might be in the midst of an anxiety attack, seeing so much self created pressure that he just made himself sick about it.
And if he's just not making a decision in general, and feels it's ok to strong you along, move on.
posted by Vaike at 8:10 AM on March 31, 2016
He might be in the midst of an anxiety attack, seeing so much self created pressure that he just made himself sick about it.
And if he's just not making a decision in general, and feels it's ok to strong you along, move on.
posted by Vaike at 8:10 AM on March 31, 2016
There is something to consider about not making mountain ranges out of mountains made of molehills.
posted by y2karl at 8:13 AM on March 31, 2016
posted by y2karl at 8:13 AM on March 31, 2016
It's okay not to live together after three years. You don't have to adhere to anyone else's timeline, or some kind of cultural ideal about how fast next steps happen. It's okay to live separately but in love forever if that's what you agree you want.
But it's not okay for him to stall, or misrepresent his feelings (and he is misrepresenting his feelings -- a person who's only 5% uncertain says "fuck it, let's go for it, we'll figure it out"). And if you guys are on fundamentally different pages about whether you want to live together or what living together means to you, that's not going to work.
So I guess the question is, why do you want to move in together? Is it just because "it's time," or something deeper? Because if you really just want the decision to be made, for right now, I'm sorry to say, it is made. He just hasn't been willing to tell you.
posted by babelfish at 8:15 AM on March 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
But it's not okay for him to stall, or misrepresent his feelings (and he is misrepresenting his feelings -- a person who's only 5% uncertain says "fuck it, let's go for it, we'll figure it out"). And if you guys are on fundamentally different pages about whether you want to live together or what living together means to you, that's not going to work.
So I guess the question is, why do you want to move in together? Is it just because "it's time," or something deeper? Because if you really just want the decision to be made, for right now, I'm sorry to say, it is made. He just hasn't been willing to tell you.
posted by babelfish at 8:15 AM on March 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
I don't think you need to give up just yet; give him a chance to meet a deadline when he doesn't have the flu. It's the flu, it can really mess one up.
His not taking this decision lightly is a good thing, although I agree that he should be 100% committed once he does decide. Committed and excited most of the time (although he might still be scared).
5% uncertain is probably reasonable for most major life decisions, at least for the kind of people who do tend to think about things a lot and don't speak in absolutes habitually.
I'm the kind of person who never says "100%" unless it's an abstract logic puzzle. I sympathize. However, I'm sure I've missed out on some happinesses from not taking my in-the-moment feelings seriously _enough_. I hope your boyfriend doesn't make that mistake.
posted by amtho at 8:19 AM on March 31, 2016
His not taking this decision lightly is a good thing, although I agree that he should be 100% committed once he does decide. Committed and excited most of the time (although he might still be scared).
5% uncertain is probably reasonable for most major life decisions, at least for the kind of people who do tend to think about things a lot and don't speak in absolutes habitually.
I'm the kind of person who never says "100%" unless it's an abstract logic puzzle. I sympathize. However, I'm sure I've missed out on some happinesses from not taking my in-the-moment feelings seriously _enough_. I hope your boyfriend doesn't make that mistake.
posted by amtho at 8:19 AM on March 31, 2016
Nobody can be more than 95% certain about anything. He's jerking you around pretending to quantify something like this. And what babelfish said.
posted by JimN2TAW at 8:25 AM on March 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by JimN2TAW at 8:25 AM on March 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
Do you want to stay in the relationship if you don't live together? If so, take it off the table, give yourself an internal metric about when you would want to know by and let him know and then stop thinking about it. I've seen this sort of thing go a few ways in my own personal life and those around me.
- my guy sometimes needs to be dragged into things. Not because he doesn't maybe want them but because he is lazy (his word not mine) and change is hard. This is just our dynamic, it has very little to do with me and we work around it, both of us
- my sister's guy was like your guy and she was like "Well I am making an executive decision and buying a house and you can live there with me if you want and we can make a plan" and he wound up moving in with her and it was fine for a while and then ... it was not fine. Which hey, shit happens, BUT he was always saying "Well I did it before I was READY!" sort of whinging to which my reply was always "You are the boss of you, you shouldn't have done it if you didn't want to"
I grew up with an alcoholic parent and they were legend for blaming other people for the things they would do (not like shitty stuff, just like what restaurant we picked or where we'd go on vacation) so that any negative outcome was anyone's fault but their own. I've also dealt with anxious people who are indecisive to the point of shooting themselves in the foot by being unable to move forward with their lives because of it. It sounds like you and your partner are both anxious. It also sounds like he's feeling pressure and it's making it worse (and I an raising an eyebrow at the timing of that flu,honestly). And, really, if you were 95% sure that a thing was the right thing, you'd do it. This isn't like having kids, this is a reversible choice. This isn't how "95% sure" acts and I think you know that in your gut.
So if the relationship is otherwise okay I'd give it some time and just let the guy off the hook but also let him know that you won't feel that way forever and he has to work on his shit. Alternately, this will be part of your lives together about all other decisions (jobs, kids, whatever) and I think it's a drag-ass way to live with someone and I'd consider that as paert of your own decision-making process.
posted by jessamyn at 8:28 AM on March 31, 2016
- my guy sometimes needs to be dragged into things. Not because he doesn't maybe want them but because he is lazy (his word not mine) and change is hard. This is just our dynamic, it has very little to do with me and we work around it, both of us
- my sister's guy was like your guy and she was like "Well I am making an executive decision and buying a house and you can live there with me if you want and we can make a plan" and he wound up moving in with her and it was fine for a while and then ... it was not fine. Which hey, shit happens, BUT he was always saying "Well I did it before I was READY!" sort of whinging to which my reply was always "You are the boss of you, you shouldn't have done it if you didn't want to"
I grew up with an alcoholic parent and they were legend for blaming other people for the things they would do (not like shitty stuff, just like what restaurant we picked or where we'd go on vacation) so that any negative outcome was anyone's fault but their own. I've also dealt with anxious people who are indecisive to the point of shooting themselves in the foot by being unable to move forward with their lives because of it. It sounds like you and your partner are both anxious. It also sounds like he's feeling pressure and it's making it worse (and I an raising an eyebrow at the timing of that flu,honestly). And, really, if you were 95% sure that a thing was the right thing, you'd do it. This isn't like having kids, this is a reversible choice. This isn't how "95% sure" acts and I think you know that in your gut.
So if the relationship is otherwise okay I'd give it some time and just let the guy off the hook but also let him know that you won't feel that way forever and he has to work on his shit. Alternately, this will be part of your lives together about all other decisions (jobs, kids, whatever) and I think it's a drag-ass way to live with someone and I'd consider that as paert of your own decision-making process.
posted by jessamyn at 8:28 AM on March 31, 2016
He tells me that he loves me and wants to be with me, and he feels cruddy for causing me pain.
Here's one I learned pretty recently. If you are about to do something and you feel like it is going to make you have to apologize, and then you do it, and then you apologize, that apology is pretty meaningless -- because you could have just not done the thing and instead you did it. In fact it's worse than meaningless, because it puts pressure on the other person to make it okay for you, to absolve the sin so that you don't have to feel bad. A real apology is an action to stop the hurt, working through the stuff that made you do it, and then doing the work to build a bridge towards the other person so that you can restore their trust in you.
Whether he feels 95% certain or not is beside the point. He's brought doubt into your relationship: rather than stepping forward and telling you he wants to be with you he chose to throw this doubt at you instead. And I also think it's kind of telling that he's not bringing his concerns forward to you and talking them over, but instead he's got you dangling waiting for the judgment. Notice who has the power and who's dancing right now. In a way this is a tactic of emotional control. Are you tempted to start offering concessions in order to secure a favorable decision? I would pay close attention here.
So - is he in therapy? Does he acknowledge how painful it is to be with someone like him, does he see the pain he is causing you, and more than just making him feel cruddy, is he taking action to sort it out so he can stop doing it? Or is this all being just thrown at you?
posted by PercussivePaul at 8:29 AM on March 31, 2016 [3 favorites]
Here's one I learned pretty recently. If you are about to do something and you feel like it is going to make you have to apologize, and then you do it, and then you apologize, that apology is pretty meaningless -- because you could have just not done the thing and instead you did it. In fact it's worse than meaningless, because it puts pressure on the other person to make it okay for you, to absolve the sin so that you don't have to feel bad. A real apology is an action to stop the hurt, working through the stuff that made you do it, and then doing the work to build a bridge towards the other person so that you can restore their trust in you.
Whether he feels 95% certain or not is beside the point. He's brought doubt into your relationship: rather than stepping forward and telling you he wants to be with you he chose to throw this doubt at you instead. And I also think it's kind of telling that he's not bringing his concerns forward to you and talking them over, but instead he's got you dangling waiting for the judgment. Notice who has the power and who's dancing right now. In a way this is a tactic of emotional control. Are you tempted to start offering concessions in order to secure a favorable decision? I would pay close attention here.
So - is he in therapy? Does he acknowledge how painful it is to be with someone like him, does he see the pain he is causing you, and more than just making him feel cruddy, is he taking action to sort it out so he can stop doing it? Or is this all being just thrown at you?
posted by PercussivePaul at 8:29 AM on March 31, 2016 [3 favorites]
Here's a really great youtube video that explains the dangers of moving in without a mutually agreed upon long term commitment (engagement or already being married). The social science behind this is very interesting and while the speaker (Scott Stanely) is pretty conservative, there are several much more liberal researchers who agree with him.
This guy is telling you he wants the benefits of living with you without the long term commitment. He wants to be able to bail whenever things get uncomfortable. And guess what? Once you're living together, it's HARD to move out. More expensive. Not just because you've got to put down first, last, etc. Not just because one of you has to buy new dishes because you dropped the "extra" set off at Goodwill. Not just because you have to spend a weekday moving your stuff across town. There's the inertia stuff. And the social stuff.
Don't do it. Get yourself a place that you love, and work toward being in a relationship with someone who wants to and is able to commit to you long term.
posted by bilabial at 8:36 AM on March 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
This guy is telling you he wants the benefits of living with you without the long term commitment. He wants to be able to bail whenever things get uncomfortable. And guess what? Once you're living together, it's HARD to move out. More expensive. Not just because you've got to put down first, last, etc. Not just because one of you has to buy new dishes because you dropped the "extra" set off at Goodwill. Not just because you have to spend a weekday moving your stuff across town. There's the inertia stuff. And the social stuff.
Don't do it. Get yourself a place that you love, and work toward being in a relationship with someone who wants to and is able to commit to you long term.
posted by bilabial at 8:36 AM on March 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:39 AM on March 31, 2016 [8 favorites]