How do I stop regretting a 'wrong' decision (when it was really right)?
March 30, 2016 7:14 AM
A few months ago I turned down the opportunity to attend Air Force Officer Training School, a dream I've been pursuing for years. This was probably the right decision, but not the one I wanted to make. Now I'm struggling with regret.
For the past several years, all I've wanted to do was become an Officer in the USAF. I wanted this bad. So much so that when my recruiter encouraged me to 'forget' about a past incident, I didn't protest. So I withheld this info and lied on my application. And then I got accepted.
Turns out that little incident from nearly 20 years ago was a disqualifier for my assigned job. The job also required a top secret security clearance, so continuing to 'forget' didn't seem like a smart idea (there was a paper trail, and it was no secret to friends/family/the community). I might have been able to mitigate this all by coming clean and maybe would still be granted a clearance, but there would likely be repercussions for lying on the initial paperwork.
Ultimately, I decided to withdraw my application and turn down the opportunity. Turning it down meant I could just walk away and continue my life as a civilian. I think this was probably the right decision to make.
Logically, it just made sense. I wouldn't have to lie, I wouldn't have to deal with the repercussions of lying. I was delusional to think I could have done this to begin with, and I shouldn't have been accepted at all due to my past.
Emotionally, it feels like I made the wrong decision and I'm quite hung up on it. Here was my dream, served to me on a silver platter, and I turned it down. I feel deep down in my gut that I should have accepted the opportunity. Maybe I wouldn't have been found out. Maybe I could have come clean and they would have assigned me a different job.
I feel miserable and am plagued daily with regret, what-ifs, and indecision about my future. I feel paralyzed and am having a tough time deciding what to do next. I don't feel the same excitement or passion about pursuing other careers, fitness milestones, or life goals.
Q1: Any strategies on how to let go and move on?
Q2: How can I trust my gut when it conflicts with logic?
For the past several years, all I've wanted to do was become an Officer in the USAF. I wanted this bad. So much so that when my recruiter encouraged me to 'forget' about a past incident, I didn't protest. So I withheld this info and lied on my application. And then I got accepted.
Turns out that little incident from nearly 20 years ago was a disqualifier for my assigned job. The job also required a top secret security clearance, so continuing to 'forget' didn't seem like a smart idea (there was a paper trail, and it was no secret to friends/family/the community). I might have been able to mitigate this all by coming clean and maybe would still be granted a clearance, but there would likely be repercussions for lying on the initial paperwork.
Ultimately, I decided to withdraw my application and turn down the opportunity. Turning it down meant I could just walk away and continue my life as a civilian. I think this was probably the right decision to make.
Logically, it just made sense. I wouldn't have to lie, I wouldn't have to deal with the repercussions of lying. I was delusional to think I could have done this to begin with, and I shouldn't have been accepted at all due to my past.
Emotionally, it feels like I made the wrong decision and I'm quite hung up on it. Here was my dream, served to me on a silver platter, and I turned it down. I feel deep down in my gut that I should have accepted the opportunity. Maybe I wouldn't have been found out. Maybe I could have come clean and they would have assigned me a different job.
I feel miserable and am plagued daily with regret, what-ifs, and indecision about my future. I feel paralyzed and am having a tough time deciding what to do next. I don't feel the same excitement or passion about pursuing other careers, fitness milestones, or life goals.
Q1: Any strategies on how to let go and move on?
Q2: How can I trust my gut when it conflicts with logic?
A friend told me an interesting analogy once for a life changing issue I had.
Imagine you were planning once in a life time trip to France. You planned for it and when you are actually in the plane they have to divert the flight and now you are landing in Ireland. WTF? You made all these plans and you never even considered Ireland. It's totally different than France. Don't let your trip be ruined. You can let your self wander around Ireland and have a terrible time, or realize Ireland is really great, too. France is done, and it's not happening. Don't let Ireland pass you by.
posted by ReluctantViking at 7:31 AM on March 30, 2016
Imagine you were planning once in a life time trip to France. You planned for it and when you are actually in the plane they have to divert the flight and now you are landing in Ireland. WTF? You made all these plans and you never even considered Ireland. It's totally different than France. Don't let your trip be ruined. You can let your self wander around Ireland and have a terrible time, or realize Ireland is really great, too. France is done, and it's not happening. Don't let Ireland pass you by.
posted by ReluctantViking at 7:31 AM on March 30, 2016
I have a close friend who was in the same position you find yourself, except he had already joined the Navy before they did the the security clearances. They found his blemish. He didn't get the clearances and didn't get into the specialized position. Instead he got stuck on a ship, doing work well beneath his capabilities, for half a year at a time. It was, by far, the darkest years of his life.
posted by zyxwvut at 7:49 AM on March 30, 2016
posted by zyxwvut at 7:49 AM on March 30, 2016
People have to walk away from their dreams all the time. And sometimes, dreams you have turn out to be not so fantastic in reality. Or circumstances make it such that you don't get the opportunity to even pursue your dreams.
Moving on requires making new dreams and not dwelling on what could have been. It's okay to mourn this lost opportunity, but don't make yourself bitter over it. There's more to anybody's life than just one path.
posted by xingcat at 7:51 AM on March 30, 2016
Moving on requires making new dreams and not dwelling on what could have been. It's okay to mourn this lost opportunity, but don't make yourself bitter over it. There's more to anybody's life than just one path.
posted by xingcat at 7:51 AM on March 30, 2016
Spending 10-15 minutes daily on braindump-type journaling has worked really well for me during similar periods. Something about getting ALL the thoughts out can be really cathartic, especially when you have lots of intrusive, self-destructive, or just overwhelming thinking going on. Once they're out on paper, it's easier to diffuse them and process what you really think and want.
posted by veery at 7:57 AM on March 30, 2016
posted by veery at 7:57 AM on March 30, 2016
I am reading you are grieving for an opportunity lost.
Let's take your scenario and make it human: instead of a job, someone just left your life for good - someone that you had wanted to get to know for a long time and just had finally begun that process. How would you let go of this person? Can you do those things to help you let go of this event instead?
Human connections help. Talk about this with your friends if you can.
posted by thebotanyofsouls at 8:38 AM on March 30, 2016
Let's take your scenario and make it human: instead of a job, someone just left your life for good - someone that you had wanted to get to know for a long time and just had finally begun that process. How would you let go of this person? Can you do those things to help you let go of this event instead?
Human connections help. Talk about this with your friends if you can.
posted by thebotanyofsouls at 8:38 AM on March 30, 2016
Step 1: reframe. I think you should feel good about yourself, and here's why: you did the right thing. Regardless of whether you would have been caught by the security clearances, you retracted your application when you found out the missing piece was a disqualifier.
It was the right thing to do, even if it was a very hard thing to do, even if you never would have gotten caught. (And logically, there was a very good chance you would have gotten caught, so logic and your gut moral sense were actually aligned here).
Possible step 2: I agree with canine epigram though: It might help you move on if you explicitly come clean. Speak with a contact, explain exactly why you retracted your application, and inquire as to next steps. If the next steps are "sorry, you aren't allowed" then you get closure. And if they are "well, thank you for bringing this up, you did exactly what you should have" perhaps there's something you can do to mitigate (get record expunged, or some such.. kinda depends what the disqualifying incident was, anyhow).
posted by nat at 8:40 AM on March 30, 2016
It was the right thing to do, even if it was a very hard thing to do, even if you never would have gotten caught. (And logically, there was a very good chance you would have gotten caught, so logic and your gut moral sense were actually aligned here).
Possible step 2: I agree with canine epigram though: It might help you move on if you explicitly come clean. Speak with a contact, explain exactly why you retracted your application, and inquire as to next steps. If the next steps are "sorry, you aren't allowed" then you get closure. And if they are "well, thank you for bringing this up, you did exactly what you should have" perhaps there's something you can do to mitigate (get record expunged, or some such.. kinda depends what the disqualifying incident was, anyhow).
posted by nat at 8:40 AM on March 30, 2016
I don't think you are or should regret the decision to turn it down. I think the regret is more in the fact that you spent years trying to achieve a goal that you should have known was not attainable because of something you did 20 years ago. I don't know you or the details of the situation well enough, but I speculate that the regret or the kicking yourself is in the fact that you should have considered this 20 yo event before you set your sights on the goal.
In fact, if I were you, I would be proud, very proud of two things. One, your honesty and integrity are fully intact. Two, you actually did reach the goal you had set out to obtain. Being asked to be an officer in the USAF is a big deal and something for which you will always have.
To thyne own self be true. You have and for that there is a lot and for which you should be proud.
posted by AugustWest at 8:40 AM on March 30, 2016
In fact, if I were you, I would be proud, very proud of two things. One, your honesty and integrity are fully intact. Two, you actually did reach the goal you had set out to obtain. Being asked to be an officer in the USAF is a big deal and something for which you will always have.
To thyne own self be true. You have and for that there is a lot and for which you should be proud.
posted by AugustWest at 8:40 AM on March 30, 2016
If it would be helpful to talk to a senior Missileer, PM me. I know a guy from grad school who is very senior. He'd probably be in a position to provide you with definite answers, so at least you'd know you made the right call. If there was still a way to make it work, he'd probably be able to tell you how that could go too.
I haven't talked to him in awhile, but he's a really good guy and I expect he'd be willing to talk to you.
posted by Across the pale parabola of joy at 8:45 AM on March 30, 2016
I haven't talked to him in awhile, but he's a really good guy and I expect he'd be willing to talk to you.
posted by Across the pale parabola of joy at 8:45 AM on March 30, 2016
I find that a lot of misery in life comes from peoples' beliefs that we must be absolutely committed to every decision we make. When in reality, if you ran your life like someone ran a business, you'd make a decision, notice it didn't work for you, and then make a new decision. Sometimes you have to trial-and-error a lot before you find the right decision, but that doesn't mean you have to stay stuck in the errors.
Lying about the incident in the first place was likely an error. So then you course-corrected. How can you correct your course now?
posted by Brittanie at 9:07 AM on March 30, 2016
Lying about the incident in the first place was likely an error. So then you course-corrected. How can you correct your course now?
posted by Brittanie at 9:07 AM on March 30, 2016
Are you aware that different military services have different disqualifiers, including TS work?
Memail me if you want to check. I served in intel at a joint base and am familiar with what waivers were offered and received.
posted by corb at 9:25 AM on March 30, 2016
Memail me if you want to check. I served in intel at a joint base and am familiar with what waivers were offered and received.
posted by corb at 9:25 AM on March 30, 2016
To me, your decision to back out shows a sign of respect both for the organization and the role you wanted to be part of. My beef is with the recruiter who told you to forget it ever happened. Had you followed your overriding instinct to be honest rather than his crappy advice the door may have been open to different opportunities than your dream role, but still within the organization, which rightfully stings.
Recruiters are filling quotas and can get slimy in the process. He didn't have your best interest or the AF's best interest in mind when he Ga e you that advice. But you did when you backed out and that is something to be proud of.
posted by cecic at 9:42 AM on March 30, 2016
Recruiters are filling quotas and can get slimy in the process. He didn't have your best interest or the AF's best interest in mind when he Ga e you that advice. But you did when you backed out and that is something to be proud of.
posted by cecic at 9:42 AM on March 30, 2016
A college friend once told me: "I expect to get dozens of once-in-a-lifetime opportunities in my life, and I expect most of them to come along at least twice."
The recruiter who encouraged you to "forget" about the incident in your past may have been right - but if he had been wrong, and someone caught it and there was a paper trail, imagine how much worse that would have been. Far better to withdraw your application now, and then come up with a better way to mitigate that incident and its impact on your application, than to press on, have someone call you on it, and then reject you outright and get you blacklisted or something. You may have been able to win the gamble, but the circumstances if you lost it would be way too high.
Maybe you could take a different recruiter aside, or speak to an officer, and ask them how you would mitigate this incident in your past. Maybe there is another way around it that would lessen the circumstances and ensure much better odds.
Good luck. You did do the right thing by backing out now.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:45 AM on March 30, 2016
The recruiter who encouraged you to "forget" about the incident in your past may have been right - but if he had been wrong, and someone caught it and there was a paper trail, imagine how much worse that would have been. Far better to withdraw your application now, and then come up with a better way to mitigate that incident and its impact on your application, than to press on, have someone call you on it, and then reject you outright and get you blacklisted or something. You may have been able to win the gamble, but the circumstances if you lost it would be way too high.
Maybe you could take a different recruiter aside, or speak to an officer, and ask them how you would mitigate this incident in your past. Maybe there is another way around it that would lessen the circumstances and ensure much better odds.
Good luck. You did do the right thing by backing out now.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:45 AM on March 30, 2016
Would it be possible to reapply? Is there a similar position that you would be equally interested in that doesn't require the same security clearances?
Honestly, this is an opportunity you never had. Your choices were (1) accept that you were permanently disqualified from your dream job, or (2) lie and set yourself up for horrific consequences which would include losing your dream job and damaging your reputation. Ultimately you picked #1, which is by far the smarter choice.
How to let go and move on: I don't think there is any magical advice here. Except in your case, networking would be a good thing in addition to the normal "give it time, try to focus on other things" advice. Networking could help you identify other opportunities that you could get excited about.
And how to trust your gut when it conflicts with logic: In this case, your gut is wrong! Even if you weren't found out for a while and had a glorious career, this would always be hanging over your head, and it's very unlikely that you would never be found out. You would have been disgraced and no way would the USAF consider you for anything again. You absolutely did the right thing this time. You gave yourself a second chance.
posted by chickenmagazine at 9:58 AM on March 30, 2016
Honestly, this is an opportunity you never had. Your choices were (1) accept that you were permanently disqualified from your dream job, or (2) lie and set yourself up for horrific consequences which would include losing your dream job and damaging your reputation. Ultimately you picked #1, which is by far the smarter choice.
How to let go and move on: I don't think there is any magical advice here. Except in your case, networking would be a good thing in addition to the normal "give it time, try to focus on other things" advice. Networking could help you identify other opportunities that you could get excited about.
And how to trust your gut when it conflicts with logic: In this case, your gut is wrong! Even if you weren't found out for a while and had a glorious career, this would always be hanging over your head, and it's very unlikely that you would never be found out. You would have been disgraced and no way would the USAF consider you for anything again. You absolutely did the right thing this time. You gave yourself a second chance.
posted by chickenmagazine at 9:58 AM on March 30, 2016
You would have feared this coming out for the rest of your career. It would have torn you up and tainted the rest of your life, if only in your own head. Admiral Jeremy Boorda was the first person ever to go from enlisted sailor to Chief of Naval Operations (the ranking officer in the U.S. Navy), and he killed himself over a couple of appurtenances on his ribbon rack that he wasn't even wearing anymore.
You did the right thing, and that sometimes hurts.
posted by Etrigan at 10:01 AM on March 30, 2016
You did the right thing, and that sometimes hurts.
posted by Etrigan at 10:01 AM on March 30, 2016
// OP here //
Thanks for all the insight so far from everyone. To those that brought up re-applying/different branches, etc:
This was my last chance at this, I will no longer be eligible for a commission due to my age (I'm older).
posted by mannermode at 11:18 AM on March 30, 2016
Thanks for all the insight so far from everyone. To those that brought up re-applying/different branches, etc:
This was my last chance at this, I will no longer be eligible for a commission due to my age (I'm older).
posted by mannermode at 11:18 AM on March 30, 2016
Regret is a tricky thing. For over 10 years I regretted turning down a job with my "dream" company in favor of another offer. Then last year I got another chance and started work at the dream company. I absolutely hated the environment there and ended up quitting after 3 months. All those years of regret were bullshit - I'd actually made the right choice in the first place.
posted by w0mbat at 11:44 AM on March 30, 2016
posted by w0mbat at 11:44 AM on March 30, 2016
I was called once for a top secret clearance interview for a high school friend. We were both in the Cost Guard, enlisted only a couple weeks apart, and wound up going to our different "A" schools on the same base at about the same time, so she knew I was good for it.
I was told these interviews were usually done in person. The only reason I did my interview by the phone was that I was on an extremely isolated station. I was on Attu, the furthest island out on the Aleutian chain, which is a long plane ride from Kodiak that only took place once every two weeks. Even with all that, the investigator I spoke with said they seriously debated sending someone out to see me. That was for an E-4 telecommunications specialist's clearance. They're very thorough about this sort of stuff. I imagine the Air Force is even more thorough with its officers.
Another friend from high school shot for military intelligence in the Marines. They found out about a brief bit of mental health problems while he was in high school. He wound up fixing helicopters.
I believe you did the right thing. You can second guess yourself all to hell, but as others have pointed out, you saved yourself a lot of grief from either getting found out & dealing with that or by virtue of not having to live with this hanging over your head.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 12:07 PM on March 30, 2016
I was told these interviews were usually done in person. The only reason I did my interview by the phone was that I was on an extremely isolated station. I was on Attu, the furthest island out on the Aleutian chain, which is a long plane ride from Kodiak that only took place once every two weeks. Even with all that, the investigator I spoke with said they seriously debated sending someone out to see me. That was for an E-4 telecommunications specialist's clearance. They're very thorough about this sort of stuff. I imagine the Air Force is even more thorough with its officers.
Another friend from high school shot for military intelligence in the Marines. They found out about a brief bit of mental health problems while he was in high school. He wound up fixing helicopters.
I believe you did the right thing. You can second guess yourself all to hell, but as others have pointed out, you saved yourself a lot of grief from either getting found out & dealing with that or by virtue of not having to live with this hanging over your head.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 12:07 PM on March 30, 2016
So that makes you mid-30s, right? I think this is the age where the what-ifs start to turn into real disappointment about all the things you didn't do and all the things you could have done. In your twenties, it's easier to keep going and figure that something else fantastic is going to come up. In your 30s, you have more reasonable expectations for life.
I'm about your age, and I went to law school, and that turned out to be a big and very expensive mistake. When I graduated a couple years ago, I was really unhappy about that. Now... time's dulled it a lot and given me more space to find something else to do with myself. Yes, there are fewer open possibilities at this age. But fewer doesn't mean "none", and it's actually a little easier to make decisions when you aren't in a position to do literally anything. So, maybe you never become a military officer, and you're also never going to be a professional opera singer, you're never going to teach English in Cambodia, whatever might have crossed your fancy as a teenager. There's still plenty of stuff left, it's just not everything. Yes, every year your options get more limited, but--why didn't you join the Air Force a decade ago? Probably because it was one of way too many things you could do at the time and you didn't even think to make it a priority.
Focus means ruling things out. It's okay to grieve those losses, but grief doesn't mean you won't be just fine. It gets easier with time and with moving on and doing other things.
posted by Sequence at 12:16 PM on March 30, 2016
I'm about your age, and I went to law school, and that turned out to be a big and very expensive mistake. When I graduated a couple years ago, I was really unhappy about that. Now... time's dulled it a lot and given me more space to find something else to do with myself. Yes, there are fewer open possibilities at this age. But fewer doesn't mean "none", and it's actually a little easier to make decisions when you aren't in a position to do literally anything. So, maybe you never become a military officer, and you're also never going to be a professional opera singer, you're never going to teach English in Cambodia, whatever might have crossed your fancy as a teenager. There's still plenty of stuff left, it's just not everything. Yes, every year your options get more limited, but--why didn't you join the Air Force a decade ago? Probably because it was one of way too many things you could do at the time and you didn't even think to make it a priority.
Focus means ruling things out. It's okay to grieve those losses, but grief doesn't mean you won't be just fine. It gets easier with time and with moving on and doing other things.
posted by Sequence at 12:16 PM on March 30, 2016
I can relate to that mid-thirties place that Sequence is talking about, also that place where making the right decision has cost you dearly. And human nature means it's always easier to know (really, to think you know) the costs of a decision than its rewards.
You will never be able to really *know* how much goodness this decision gave you and how much badness it saved you from. But if I were you I think I'd immerse myself in stories of people ruined by the secrets they thought they could carry, keep your eye out for it in the news, and pat yourself on the back for each and every one.
posted by Salamandrous at 3:02 PM on March 30, 2016
You will never be able to really *know* how much goodness this decision gave you and how much badness it saved you from. But if I were you I think I'd immerse myself in stories of people ruined by the secrets they thought they could carry, keep your eye out for it in the news, and pat yourself on the back for each and every one.
posted by Salamandrous at 3:02 PM on March 30, 2016
Strategy is sacrifice. You've chosen integrity as core to your life strategy.
I would recommend processing this grief in the same way you might try to process a divorce or death of a loved one-- with journaling, self-care, and by continuing to engage and find new positive experiences in your life.
posted by samthemander at 9:34 PM on March 30, 2016
I would recommend processing this grief in the same way you might try to process a divorce or death of a loved one-- with journaling, self-care, and by continuing to engage and find new positive experiences in your life.
posted by samthemander at 9:34 PM on March 30, 2016
This thread is closed to new comments.
Worst case, you're in the exact same position you are now, right?
posted by canine epigram at 7:31 AM on March 30, 2016