Could I ask out a girl on ride-shares like lyft without sounding weird?
March 28, 2016 7:55 AM Subscribe
I have hard time meeting people. While driving for lyft, I am very professional and have good reviews and at times I strike up a nice conversation with the riders especially women and feel like getting to know more about the girl(about 5% of time). But I chicken out in the end and just stay professional, wondering if it would be appropriate to ask a girl her number, or if she has a bf etc.
Is it okay to ask people out? If so, how you do it without sounding weird? what is a good exit strategy if it doesn't work out?
No way
posted by RustyBrooks at 7:57 AM on March 28, 2016 [22 favorites]
posted by RustyBrooks at 7:57 AM on March 28, 2016 [22 favorites]
I'd be super duper sketched out if a guy I'm trusting to take me somewhere, who I'm alone in a car with, where I can't leave the car or direct where the car was going to, asked me out.
Don't do it.
posted by leahwrenn at 7:57 AM on March 28, 2016 [71 favorites]
Don't do it.
posted by leahwrenn at 7:57 AM on March 28, 2016 [71 favorites]
Speaking as a woman, I would feel uncomfortable if someone driving me asked me out. Getting in the car of a stranger, a man, is a very vulnerable and scary thing to do and I would find it inappropriate for him to ask me out. I would feel unsafe.
posted by shesbenevolent at 7:57 AM on March 28, 2016 [33 favorites]
posted by shesbenevolent at 7:57 AM on March 28, 2016 [33 favorites]
Yah, nope.
posted by parki at 7:57 AM on March 28, 2016 [12 favorites]
posted by parki at 7:57 AM on March 28, 2016 [12 favorites]
No, don't ask your lyft passengers out (or push them to make conversation.) They are there to get a ride. They're kind of a captive audience and it's unfair. A taxi driver flirted with me ONCE, years ago (I don't take cabs much), and I still shudder at the memory.
Also, please don't refer to women as "girls."
posted by needs more cowbell at 7:58 AM on March 28, 2016 [106 favorites]
Also, please don't refer to women as "girls."
posted by needs more cowbell at 7:58 AM on March 28, 2016 [106 favorites]
No, absolutely not.
posted by woodvine at 7:58 AM on March 28, 2016 [10 favorites]
posted by woodvine at 7:58 AM on March 28, 2016 [10 favorites]
This used to happen to me in cabs and I hated it. Even hedging it by asking the women if they're married is too much.
With so many rideshare incidents happening, it's especially inappropriate.
posted by mochapickle at 8:02 AM on March 28, 2016 [14 favorites]
With so many rideshare incidents happening, it's especially inappropriate.
posted by mochapickle at 8:02 AM on March 28, 2016 [14 favorites]
It's the "captive audience" that makes this a general no no, for the same reason it's not very wise to talk about religion or politics to your riders and expect much in return. Of course, there are exceptions to any rule, but that's determined on a case-by-case basis (in this case, if the woman asks you out, or otherwise gives you an invitation to do so).
Also keep in mind that this is the scenario that drives the plot in Dumb & Dumber.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 8:03 AM on March 28, 2016 [12 favorites]
Also keep in mind that this is the scenario that drives the plot in Dumb & Dumber.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 8:03 AM on March 28, 2016 [12 favorites]
Yeah, you just can't. While you know what your intentions are, what she knows is that a guy she doesn't know but who knows where she lives and/or works has asked her out and she has no idea how he (that is, you) will react if she says no. (It's also just flat-out unprofessional.)
posted by rtha at 8:04 AM on March 28, 2016 [11 favorites]
posted by rtha at 8:04 AM on March 28, 2016 [11 favorites]
Nthing no. This seems like a good way to get dropped by lyft as well.
The only remote possibility is if she herself is interested she will approach you by directly giving you her contact information and asking you out, unprompted.
posted by Karaage at 8:04 AM on March 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
The only remote possibility is if she herself is interested she will approach you by directly giving you her contact information and asking you out, unprompted.
posted by Karaage at 8:04 AM on March 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
But I chicken out in the end and just stay professional
That is a good plan. There is literally no way to do this without potentially being seen as super creepy and in a situation like Lyft where you get rated by people (and where they are, as other people have said, a captive audience) this is not a thing you should do.
posted by jessamyn at 8:05 AM on March 28, 2016 [17 favorites]
That is a good plan. There is literally no way to do this without potentially being seen as super creepy and in a situation like Lyft where you get rated by people (and where they are, as other people have said, a captive audience) this is not a thing you should do.
posted by jessamyn at 8:05 AM on March 28, 2016 [17 favorites]
Best answer: Good god, no, do not do this.
You have all the power in this situation - you control their transportation and safety when they are in your car. If they aren't interested in you and say so they are risking being kicked out and left on the side of the road, or being harmed by you in worse ways. And please do not scoff and think it is ridiculous that they might fear you, because this is a completely legitimate concern. You are in a position of trust, please do not violate that.
Even if a woman is into you, when she's in your car is not a good time to bring that up. There are times and places where people advertise their availability, and in an ideal world all other times and places would merit professional kindness and neighborliness and nothing else. Don't contribute to the problem.
posted by Mizu at 8:06 AM on March 28, 2016 [26 favorites]
You have all the power in this situation - you control their transportation and safety when they are in your car. If they aren't interested in you and say so they are risking being kicked out and left on the side of the road, or being harmed by you in worse ways. And please do not scoff and think it is ridiculous that they might fear you, because this is a completely legitimate concern. You are in a position of trust, please do not violate that.
Even if a woman is into you, when she's in your car is not a good time to bring that up. There are times and places where people advertise their availability, and in an ideal world all other times and places would merit professional kindness and neighborliness and nothing else. Don't contribute to the problem.
posted by Mizu at 8:06 AM on March 28, 2016 [26 favorites]
"All right, I brought you home. Now I know where you live. Wanna go out sometime?"
No, just no. This is the creepiest thing ever.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:07 AM on March 28, 2016 [32 favorites]
No, just no. This is the creepiest thing ever.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:07 AM on March 28, 2016 [32 favorites]
Dear god, please don't.
posted by gollie at 8:07 AM on March 28, 2016 [13 favorites]
posted by gollie at 8:07 AM on March 28, 2016 [13 favorites]
No, don't do this. You could really scare someone, and think of how shitty that would be. Also, a couple of people have noted that if a passenger were to ask you out, you could respond; however, don't take that to mean you should flirt, drop hints, or do anything else to try to make that happen. Keep conversation professionally polite.
posted by Alluring Mouthbreather at 8:09 AM on March 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by Alluring Mouthbreather at 8:09 AM on March 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
Just get Tinder. There's no reason in this day and age to say it is hard to meet people.
posted by geoff. at 8:11 AM on March 28, 2016 [15 favorites]
posted by geoff. at 8:11 AM on March 28, 2016 [15 favorites]
No.
If they wanted to go out with you, they would ask you*. If they're not asking you, they don't want to go out with you. Nobody wants to be asked out by someone who knows where they live and has them trapped in a moving car.
*Probably after going out of their way to ride with you several more times to determine how dangerous you are. I don't think you understand that being a woman - especially a conventionally attractive woman, and those are probably the women you're wanting to ask out based on a minute in your car - means living life like you're stuck inside a constant timeshare pitch. These women are capable of finding someone interesting and making that interest known and do not need men constantly turning to them and saying, "Hey, you're probably stupider than a bag of mulch, so you haven't noticed what a viable candidate for sex stuff I am, so let me explain that you should do that stuff with me."
Asking someone out should be done at the point where you're simply confirming an actual connection (one that both parties have willingly and freely made effort to engage) with romantic interest. Cold querying in hopes of winning the numbers game is bad and you shouldn't do it.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:12 AM on March 28, 2016 [35 favorites]
If they wanted to go out with you, they would ask you*. If they're not asking you, they don't want to go out with you. Nobody wants to be asked out by someone who knows where they live and has them trapped in a moving car.
*Probably after going out of their way to ride with you several more times to determine how dangerous you are. I don't think you understand that being a woman - especially a conventionally attractive woman, and those are probably the women you're wanting to ask out based on a minute in your car - means living life like you're stuck inside a constant timeshare pitch. These women are capable of finding someone interesting and making that interest known and do not need men constantly turning to them and saying, "Hey, you're probably stupider than a bag of mulch, so you haven't noticed what a viable candidate for sex stuff I am, so let me explain that you should do that stuff with me."
Asking someone out should be done at the point where you're simply confirming an actual connection (one that both parties have willingly and freely made effort to engage) with romantic interest. Cold querying in hopes of winning the numbers game is bad and you shouldn't do it.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:12 AM on March 28, 2016 [35 favorites]
If a cab, Uber, Lyft, or any other livery driver, whatever asked me if I was single, or asked me out, I would report that driver as soon as I was out of the vehicle, and I would follow up with the company to make sure some action was taken.
posted by kellyblah at 8:14 AM on March 28, 2016 [63 favorites]
posted by kellyblah at 8:14 AM on March 28, 2016 [63 favorites]
absolutely not. I'm a woman and I would complain to the company about anyone doing this. Totally inappropriate and potentially very frightening for female passengers.
(I'm generally pro everyone asking everyone else out, even on brief acquaintance, but you really CANNOT do this in a situation where you have her in your control like this. No.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:16 AM on March 28, 2016 [12 favorites]
(I'm generally pro everyone asking everyone else out, even on brief acquaintance, but you really CANNOT do this in a situation where you have her in your control like this. No.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:16 AM on March 28, 2016 [12 favorites]
Noooope. Something similar happened on a recent episode (the excellent and departed-too-soon) Togetherness, attempted by a really likable Uber-driving character and it still creeped me the hell out.
posted by supercres at 8:21 AM on March 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by supercres at 8:21 AM on March 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
what is a good exit strategy if it doesn't work out?
See how concerned you are about your exit strategy? And this is just to avoid awkwardness.
Now think about her exit strategy. She has absolutely no opportunity to exit. And the risk for her is not just awkwardness/rejection-- it's feeling totally unsafe.
Did you ever think the reason that some women seem to enjoy chatting with you is precisely because you keep it professional and don't hit on them? Or because they are literally a captive audience and have to be polite?
posted by kapers at 8:22 AM on March 28, 2016 [39 favorites]
See how concerned you are about your exit strategy? And this is just to avoid awkwardness.
Now think about her exit strategy. She has absolutely no opportunity to exit. And the risk for her is not just awkwardness/rejection-- it's feeling totally unsafe.
Did you ever think the reason that some women seem to enjoy chatting with you is precisely because you keep it professional and don't hit on them? Or because they are literally a captive audience and have to be polite?
posted by kapers at 8:22 AM on March 28, 2016 [39 favorites]
No.
My girlfriend in San Francisco is going to start a blog about creepy things Uber and Lyft guys say to her.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:23 AM on March 28, 2016 [15 favorites]
My girlfriend in San Francisco is going to start a blog about creepy things Uber and Lyft guys say to her.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:23 AM on March 28, 2016 [15 favorites]
Absolutely not. I'm not in your fucking car to get hit on and I would report this right away and attempt to get you fired. Extremely unprofessional and just plain creepy. Do not do this. It makes you an asshole.
posted by FireFountain at 8:24 AM on March 28, 2016 [16 favorites]
posted by FireFountain at 8:24 AM on March 28, 2016 [16 favorites]
I have hard time meeting people.
I want to add that especially because you are not especially socially suave, you are going to be really, really bad at this. Not only is this a no-no, odds are you will be particularly bad at it if you try.
My advice is to focus on meeting meeting in specific situations in which socializing is normal and expected, because people will be more open and willing to social overtures. Trying to branch out socially in "non-social" situations is the precise opposite of what you should be doing.
posted by deanc at 8:25 AM on March 28, 2016 [8 favorites]
I want to add that especially because you are not especially socially suave, you are going to be really, really bad at this. Not only is this a no-no, odds are you will be particularly bad at it if you try.
My advice is to focus on meeting meeting in specific situations in which socializing is normal and expected, because people will be more open and willing to social overtures. Trying to branch out socially in "non-social" situations is the precise opposite of what you should be doing.
posted by deanc at 8:25 AM on March 28, 2016 [8 favorites]
Forget TV shows, just dig into the MeFi files for real world experiences from actual women's lives. Here, I'll actually give you one of my own. (Actually there are a couple mentioned on the same thread.)
Seriously, DO NOT DO THIS, EVER!
posted by sardonyx at 8:25 AM on March 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
Seriously, DO NOT DO THIS, EVER!
posted by sardonyx at 8:25 AM on March 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
So, it looks like there is a consensus building here. Let me just point out that you did a good job in thinking this through and asking others for advice. It's okay that you did not already know the answer to this question before you asked it -- because you took the time to ask. Now please listen to what you are hearing and continue to be a thoughtful male who considers the impact of his actions.
posted by cubby at 8:28 AM on March 28, 2016 [107 favorites]
posted by cubby at 8:28 AM on March 28, 2016 [107 favorites]
No.
You need to stay professional, respect others' boundaries, and maintain your role as a safe, secure and reliable way to transport someone somewhere. Do not step out of that role. People hire you partly to get away from situations like that.
posted by kariebookish at 8:32 AM on March 28, 2016 [6 favorites]
You need to stay professional, respect others' boundaries, and maintain your role as a safe, secure and reliable way to transport someone somewhere. Do not step out of that role. People hire you partly to get away from situations like that.
posted by kariebookish at 8:32 AM on March 28, 2016 [6 favorites]
Like you need to be told "no" again, but no.
I'm sure you're thinking, but this is one of my only opportunities to meet women. That doesn't change anything; you're not entitled to meet women at the cost of making us feel uncomfortable or threatened. You'll have to find another way.
Another aspect of the issue, beyond just the fact that this can be a threatening situation. Being hit on in an inappropriate context can be very, very disheartening; it can make us feel bad about ourselves and about the world. It's really unpleasant, and that enough is reason not to do it.
I would also report this if it happened to me, by the way.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 8:35 AM on March 28, 2016 [18 favorites]
I'm sure you're thinking, but this is one of my only opportunities to meet women. That doesn't change anything; you're not entitled to meet women at the cost of making us feel uncomfortable or threatened. You'll have to find another way.
Another aspect of the issue, beyond just the fact that this can be a threatening situation. Being hit on in an inappropriate context can be very, very disheartening; it can make us feel bad about ourselves and about the world. It's really unpleasant, and that enough is reason not to do it.
I would also report this if it happened to me, by the way.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 8:35 AM on March 28, 2016 [18 favorites]
When this has happened to me I've reported it, even when the driver was otherwise nice, because it is super unprofessional.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 8:38 AM on March 28, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by goodbyewaffles at 8:38 AM on March 28, 2016 [6 favorites]
This happened to me in a taxi *last week* and I am still super-unsettled by it.* I called dispatch as soon as I got into the house and let them know how inappropriate the driver had been and how uncomfortable I felt as a small woman alone in that car- I am sure it made no difference but at least I tried. Do. Not. Do. This.
*3 am on the way home from the airport, deserted streets, he is making political small talk that becomes uncomfortable despite my best efforts to be pleasant, I eventually insinuate that my husband is waiting for me at home because there is a strong edge of creepy and the suburban streets are totally deserted, I don't really have other options- he then asks me if "everything is still good in my marriage." I mean, wtf, dude? I am alone in a car with you, you know where I live, it is your job to make this feel as non-threatening as possible and I had 911 dialed up and ready to push "send."
posted by charmedimsure at 8:40 AM on March 28, 2016 [16 favorites]
*3 am on the way home from the airport, deserted streets, he is making political small talk that becomes uncomfortable despite my best efforts to be pleasant, I eventually insinuate that my husband is waiting for me at home because there is a strong edge of creepy and the suburban streets are totally deserted, I don't really have other options- he then asks me if "everything is still good in my marriage." I mean, wtf, dude? I am alone in a car with you, you know where I live, it is your job to make this feel as non-threatening as possible and I had 911 dialed up and ready to push "send."
posted by charmedimsure at 8:40 AM on March 28, 2016 [16 favorites]
You could make up some business cards with your e-mail address (maybe make a new one for this purpose), and leave them available to clients, in the back seat. Don't bring it up or anything, but if they're interested, they can take one and contact you.
posted by stray at 8:43 AM on March 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by stray at 8:43 AM on March 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
This happened to a friend of mine recently, on Uber. She got the driver fired pretty much immediately. Apparently he had done it more than once, and it's grounds for termination because it's considered passenger harassment.
(by the way, if you want to educate yourself about why this is a problem, just google "Lyft drivers hitting on passengers," and you'll get about a thousand pages of women talking about how this behavior by drivers is very common, and it is at best annoying, and at worst terrifying.)
posted by decathecting at 8:47 AM on March 28, 2016 [18 favorites]
(by the way, if you want to educate yourself about why this is a problem, just google "Lyft drivers hitting on passengers," and you'll get about a thousand pages of women talking about how this behavior by drivers is very common, and it is at best annoying, and at worst terrifying.)
posted by decathecting at 8:47 AM on March 28, 2016 [18 favorites]
Don't do it. I still have nightmares about a particularly aggressive taxi driver. Don't do it. Please.
posted by ChuraChura at 8:59 AM on March 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by ChuraChura at 8:59 AM on March 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
You've got a 100% noes so far, but I guess you're thinking "surely there's some exception". The answer's no, but you'll be pleased to know that Lyft is going to solve your problems meeting people.
Because what you can do with your passengers is try your best to enjoy who every single one of them is, for who they are, whether you're attracted to them or not. I suggest you definitely start off with people, especially men, that you're not attracted to.
And what you need to do is not ask them any questions, you need to talk about yourself, and take in what it is you say about yourself that they respond well to. And you need to happily shut up if they're not engaging with what you're saying. If they do volunteer things about themselves, follow them up with how that relates to your interests.
And if you end up really getting on with someone you're attracted to, the absolute most you can do to inform them of this is when they're saying goodbye, you can say "it was really nice to meet you", coming from your heart rather than in the way you say it as a script.
But your aim is to learn how to meet people. And the most important thing about meeting people in a genuine way is to make them feel safe. Which means they have to be certain that you will revert back to politely concentrating on your driving in respectful silence if they want you to. If that's not clear or you don't feel confident in it, than just keep driving in polite quiet. That's what your job is.
posted by ambrosen at 8:59 AM on March 28, 2016 [9 favorites]
Because what you can do with your passengers is try your best to enjoy who every single one of them is, for who they are, whether you're attracted to them or not. I suggest you definitely start off with people, especially men, that you're not attracted to.
And what you need to do is not ask them any questions, you need to talk about yourself, and take in what it is you say about yourself that they respond well to. And you need to happily shut up if they're not engaging with what you're saying. If they do volunteer things about themselves, follow them up with how that relates to your interests.
And if you end up really getting on with someone you're attracted to, the absolute most you can do to inform them of this is when they're saying goodbye, you can say "it was really nice to meet you", coming from your heart rather than in the way you say it as a script.
But your aim is to learn how to meet people. And the most important thing about meeting people in a genuine way is to make them feel safe. Which means they have to be certain that you will revert back to politely concentrating on your driving in respectful silence if they want you to. If that's not clear or you don't feel confident in it, than just keep driving in polite quiet. That's what your job is.
posted by ambrosen at 8:59 AM on March 28, 2016 [9 favorites]
If my driver started hitting on me -- and this used to happen a lot in Ottawa and I was so happy when Uber showed up because there's a record of the trip and the driver and so on -- if they were the least bit creepy, and it is pretty much always creepy, I would make up a story about how I needed to use a toilet or payphone (pre-cellular era) and have the cab stop, and then I would just book it. If it was bad enough I would call the cab company, but they were well known for not giving a toss.
(What was the driver going to do? Call the police and complain a girl got out of his cab without paying after he started perving on her? Ha. He lost the fare, I either found another ride or walked the rest of the way. Eventually it made the papers that Blue Line cabbies were routinely sexually harassing Ottawa Carleton U students, and I couldn't believe it was in the paper; it seemed to me to be a thing the entire city knew about and didn't care about...)
In an Uber/Lyft I would make you pull over, I'd exit, rate you as poorly as possible, and report it to Uber/Lyft and ask for my fare to be refunded, and suggest that you should not be driving for Uber/Lyft.
Women (not girls) are quite capable of asking you out if they find you interesting, by the by. It's not as though you're chauffeuring loads of people who are thinking "OMG, I really wish he would ask me out!!" If they were sufficiently enchanted they would be asking you for your number. Which is okay because: you are not trapped in their vehicle, they are not providing a service for you, et cetera; the dynamic is very different.
posted by kmennie at 9:00 AM on March 28, 2016 [13 favorites]
(What was the driver going to do? Call the police and complain a girl got out of his cab without paying after he started perving on her? Ha. He lost the fare, I either found another ride or walked the rest of the way. Eventually it made the papers that Blue Line cabbies were routinely sexually harassing Ottawa Carleton U students, and I couldn't believe it was in the paper; it seemed to me to be a thing the entire city knew about and didn't care about...)
In an Uber/Lyft I would make you pull over, I'd exit, rate you as poorly as possible, and report it to Uber/Lyft and ask for my fare to be refunded, and suggest that you should not be driving for Uber/Lyft.
Women (not girls) are quite capable of asking you out if they find you interesting, by the by. It's not as though you're chauffeuring loads of people who are thinking "OMG, I really wish he would ask me out!!" If they were sufficiently enchanted they would be asking you for your number. Which is okay because: you are not trapped in their vehicle, they are not providing a service for you, et cetera; the dynamic is very different.
posted by kmennie at 9:00 AM on March 28, 2016 [13 favorites]
No. Absolutely not. Gross.
posted by hollyholly at 9:01 AM on March 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by hollyholly at 9:01 AM on March 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
No. Total violation of my feelings in terms of safety.
posted by jbenben at 9:11 AM on March 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by jbenben at 9:11 AM on March 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Thanks for thinking about it and bringing it up here first rather than asking her. I'm in agreement with the others: no, I would not do it because it will seem creepy at best and unsafe at worst. Like others have said before, I've had it happen to me in other situations and it's always felt really yucky. Even if I had a little crush on the person before the incident, I definitely lost any and all interest after being asked in that dynamic.
Were she interested in dating you or hanging out as friends, she as the passenger could try to subtly make a move by inviting you to a meet-up event or what not. Another situation that could be potentially OK would be if you were both to have online dating profiles and she were the one to reach out and ask you out. That could also be weird and unwanted for you but at least she's not the service provider who must respect professional boundaries and knows where you live, etc. If she were interested, she would have already tested the waters in some shape or form but she hasn't.
In any case, the latter scenarios are very unlikely and it'd be a waste of time waiting around to see if they ever come true. Instead I'd try to meet people online through Tinder and the like, and use the great interpersonal skills you're developing on the job to apply to success and happiness in unrelated dating situations. That's a win-win situation!
posted by smorgasbord at 9:15 AM on March 28, 2016 [6 favorites]
Were she interested in dating you or hanging out as friends, she as the passenger could try to subtly make a move by inviting you to a meet-up event or what not. Another situation that could be potentially OK would be if you were both to have online dating profiles and she were the one to reach out and ask you out. That could also be weird and unwanted for you but at least she's not the service provider who must respect professional boundaries and knows where you live, etc. If she were interested, she would have already tested the waters in some shape or form but she hasn't.
In any case, the latter scenarios are very unlikely and it'd be a waste of time waiting around to see if they ever come true. Instead I'd try to meet people online through Tinder and the like, and use the great interpersonal skills you're developing on the job to apply to success and happiness in unrelated dating situations. That's a win-win situation!
posted by smorgasbord at 9:15 AM on March 28, 2016 [6 favorites]
Nope nope nope. If you asked me out on a date while driving me I would report you faster than I could get out of the car.
posted by tryniti at 9:18 AM on March 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by tryniti at 9:18 AM on March 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Well, I'm going to play devil's advocate here, and say: no, don't ever do this.
See, even the devil thinks it's a bad idea.
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:20 AM on March 28, 2016 [29 favorites]
See, even the devil thinks it's a bad idea.
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:20 AM on March 28, 2016 [29 favorites]
You don't want to get into an emotional situation while driving.
posted by John Cohen at 9:22 AM on March 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by John Cohen at 9:22 AM on March 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Bonus advice: Asking if I have a boyfriend is one of the creepiest things I can imagine a driver asking me-- and is a terrible approach to asking a woman out, even in an appropriate context.
It makes me feel disrespected, like my wanting or not waiting to go out with you is of no importance to you, like you would only respect my "no" if I had a good reason, like if I were already another man's property. I would think: just because I don't have a boyfriend doesn't mean I am available to you. Also, a driver asking if I have a boyfriend out of the blue makes it sound like he's asking if anyone is expecting me home, which is terrifying.
Women have to think about their safety all the time, especially with strange men. And even when we feel safe, we still don't want to feel like sex objects, on display and available to male evaluation every moment of our lives. So try to imagine what "do you have a boyfriend" sounds like from her point of view.
So I would advise you to never take this approach. And don't even consider asking that while you're working and she's paying you for safe and comfortable transport, and trapped in a locked moving vehicle with you, possibly drunk, alone, and en route to her home.
Thanks for asking this-- hopefully the consensus here will help you understand how women feel in these situations.
posted by kapers at 9:24 AM on March 28, 2016 [49 favorites]
It makes me feel disrespected, like my wanting or not waiting to go out with you is of no importance to you, like you would only respect my "no" if I had a good reason, like if I were already another man's property. I would think: just because I don't have a boyfriend doesn't mean I am available to you. Also, a driver asking if I have a boyfriend out of the blue makes it sound like he's asking if anyone is expecting me home, which is terrifying.
Women have to think about their safety all the time, especially with strange men. And even when we feel safe, we still don't want to feel like sex objects, on display and available to male evaluation every moment of our lives. So try to imagine what "do you have a boyfriend" sounds like from her point of view.
So I would advise you to never take this approach. And don't even consider asking that while you're working and she's paying you for safe and comfortable transport, and trapped in a locked moving vehicle with you, possibly drunk, alone, and en route to her home.
Thanks for asking this-- hopefully the consensus here will help you understand how women feel in these situations.
posted by kapers at 9:24 AM on March 28, 2016 [49 favorites]
100% nope, and I'd report you so fast your head would spin.
posted by MsMolly at 9:25 AM on March 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by MsMolly at 9:25 AM on March 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Consider your time driving Lyft great practice at meeting and chatting with people. I'm adding to the chorus of people asking you not to ever ask your passengers out, but you can and should use the things you learn about how to start a friendly conversation with people in more appropriate environments.
As a woman who is out in the world a lot alone, I love chatting with strangers. I rarely get to do so unfettered, because if I am in a situation in which it is appropriate for a man to ask me out (say in a bar, or at a party, or at a dance club), he is very likely to misinterpret my genuine interest in chatting with strangers as genuine interest in dating strangers, and I always feel bad.
Uber and Lyft and Taxi rides are great opportunities to chat with a stranger without having to worry, because it is a major breaking of the social contract to ask your passenger out. So - I'm sure you've gotten the message by now, but please don't do that!
posted by pazazygeek at 9:29 AM on March 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
As a woman who is out in the world a lot alone, I love chatting with strangers. I rarely get to do so unfettered, because if I am in a situation in which it is appropriate for a man to ask me out (say in a bar, or at a party, or at a dance club), he is very likely to misinterpret my genuine interest in chatting with strangers as genuine interest in dating strangers, and I always feel bad.
Uber and Lyft and Taxi rides are great opportunities to chat with a stranger without having to worry, because it is a major breaking of the social contract to ask your passenger out. So - I'm sure you've gotten the message by now, but please don't do that!
posted by pazazygeek at 9:29 AM on March 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
So, I was in an Uber pool recently where we all got in a conversation and the driver seemed like an interesting guy, someone who if I had met him in a bar or at a party I would have wanted to get to know him better, and in this hypothetical bar meeting, if I were single I definitely would have bought him a drink or let him buy me a drink. But in the driver/passenger situation, if he had asked me out or asked me if I had a boyfriend, or anything like that, I would have been creeped right out.
I think the only thing you can do is provide opportunities for these women to reconnect with you when they are safely out of the car, like maybe the business card thing someone mentioned above. Post your twitter handle or whatever. Or if someone inquires about what hours you drive or what you're doing with the rest of your weekend or whatever, you can say, "Oh, I usually drive until X o'clock, then I wind up at Bar Y [NOT THE BAR YOU ARE DROPPING THEM OFF AT]."
But I wouldn't expect much uptake.
posted by mskyle at 9:39 AM on March 28, 2016
I think the only thing you can do is provide opportunities for these women to reconnect with you when they are safely out of the car, like maybe the business card thing someone mentioned above. Post your twitter handle or whatever. Or if someone inquires about what hours you drive or what you're doing with the rest of your weekend or whatever, you can say, "Oh, I usually drive until X o'clock, then I wind up at Bar Y [NOT THE BAR YOU ARE DROPPING THEM OFF AT]."
But I wouldn't expect much uptake.
posted by mskyle at 9:39 AM on March 28, 2016
it's honestly not good that you take special interest in having conversations with your passengers who are women. this is already unprofessional. in your car, women are customers and no different than men, treat them as such.
posted by nadawi at 9:40 AM on March 28, 2016 [22 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 9:40 AM on March 28, 2016 [22 favorites]
I'm sure you get the point that this isn't a great idea. It was great of you to ask though as I suspect you knew this but was hoping you were wrong.
pazazygeek has a great suggestion, this is a great opportunity for you to hone those social skills of small talk & making people feel comfortable. Skills that will come in handy when you are not working & when you meet people in other situations.
Another thing to remember, is that in many cases like this women know when you are interested in hitting on them. "Subtle" do you have a boyfriend questions etc are not subtle at all. What you think of as a connection is simply women uncomfortable because you have the power, telling you what ever the heck you want to hear to keep the trip happy & smooth and humoring the heck out of you & hoping like hell you won't hit on them. Or chatty people like me & pazazygeek who are just chatting because we like to chat not because we want to date you. Much like men have a strange ability to assume waitresses or cashiers are hitting on them when they are simply making polite conversation.
You were thoughtful enough to ask the question, and as a woman that travels alone a lot I appreciate it. Use the time to practice your small talk & sincerely making women feel comfortable & safe, these 2 skills will come in handy when you meet women out of work & you can make a real connection.
posted by wwax at 9:42 AM on March 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
pazazygeek has a great suggestion, this is a great opportunity for you to hone those social skills of small talk & making people feel comfortable. Skills that will come in handy when you are not working & when you meet people in other situations.
Another thing to remember, is that in many cases like this women know when you are interested in hitting on them. "Subtle" do you have a boyfriend questions etc are not subtle at all. What you think of as a connection is simply women uncomfortable because you have the power, telling you what ever the heck you want to hear to keep the trip happy & smooth and humoring the heck out of you & hoping like hell you won't hit on them. Or chatty people like me & pazazygeek who are just chatting because we like to chat not because we want to date you. Much like men have a strange ability to assume waitresses or cashiers are hitting on them when they are simply making polite conversation.
You were thoughtful enough to ask the question, and as a woman that travels alone a lot I appreciate it. Use the time to practice your small talk & sincerely making women feel comfortable & safe, these 2 skills will come in handy when you meet women out of work & you can make a real connection.
posted by wwax at 9:42 AM on March 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
Worst case scenario for you: you ask her out, she rejects you, she reports you, you are burned again.
Worst case scenario for her: you ask her out, she rejects you, you assault her.
You're trying to find an exit strategy to avoid your worst case scenario. She's going to need one to avoid hers, and she doesn't have any forewarning that you're going to turn into That Driver Looking For A Hookup, so how does she know where your boundaries are?
Use Tindr or something else to meet people. You've opened up your world to this new technology, keep going with the ones explicitly designed for these aims.
posted by RainyJay at 9:49 AM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Worst case scenario for her: you ask her out, she rejects you, you assault her.
You're trying to find an exit strategy to avoid your worst case scenario. She's going to need one to avoid hers, and she doesn't have any forewarning that you're going to turn into That Driver Looking For A Hookup, so how does she know where your boundaries are?
Use Tindr or something else to meet people. You've opened up your world to this new technology, keep going with the ones explicitly designed for these aims.
posted by RainyJay at 9:49 AM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Schrödinger’s Rapist hasn't been linked for a while, so here you go.
posted by Solomon at 9:51 AM on March 28, 2016 [13 favorites]
posted by Solomon at 9:51 AM on March 28, 2016 [13 favorites]
Best answer: Okay - I agree wholeheartedly with all the "No - absolutely not" votes.
But I have a feeling from the way you asked your question that you may feel like in some of your interactions there are women who you really think might have been interested in dating you if you found the right way to ask.
I have a feeling this is not the case - most women have learned strategies to seem warmly engaged and friendly with strangers as a means of self-protection. But on the .0001% chance that you are right, here is how to have that conversation:
Make sure your Lyft account gives your full name in someplace publicly findable. Or have your ID with your full name (or your twitter handle, or instagram name, etc) displayed on your dashboard in some way that it's easily seen. During your conversation with your rider-who-seems-interested, mention that you're on [socia media outlet] a lot, or that you like to do ____ on facebook [/social media outlet]. Do not ask if she is on facebook, do not talk about meeting people on facebook, do not ask her to find you on facebook. Just mention in passing that you're on it. Once.
If a rider genuinely likes you, she now has everything she needs to friend you and continue the conversation, in a low-stakes way.
Can't guarantee it will work, but that's all I got.
posted by Mchelly at 9:55 AM on March 28, 2016 [11 favorites]
But I have a feeling from the way you asked your question that you may feel like in some of your interactions there are women who you really think might have been interested in dating you if you found the right way to ask.
I have a feeling this is not the case - most women have learned strategies to seem warmly engaged and friendly with strangers as a means of self-protection. But on the .0001% chance that you are right, here is how to have that conversation:
Make sure your Lyft account gives your full name in someplace publicly findable. Or have your ID with your full name (or your twitter handle, or instagram name, etc) displayed on your dashboard in some way that it's easily seen. During your conversation with your rider-who-seems-interested, mention that you're on [socia media outlet] a lot, or that you like to do ____ on facebook [/social media outlet]. Do not ask if she is on facebook, do not talk about meeting people on facebook, do not ask her to find you on facebook. Just mention in passing that you're on it. Once.
If a rider genuinely likes you, she now has everything she needs to friend you and continue the conversation, in a low-stakes way.
Can't guarantee it will work, but that's all I got.
posted by Mchelly at 9:55 AM on March 28, 2016 [11 favorites]
Also, it's much much better to ask a question like this than just go ahead assuming everything will be fine. When more guys ask questions like this, the world will be a better place for it.
posted by Solomon at 10:02 AM on March 28, 2016 [11 favorites]
posted by Solomon at 10:02 AM on March 28, 2016 [11 favorites]
I won't add to the chorus, but a suggestion: please don't feel bad when reading these answers. Please feel good! You realized this might be a bad idea and hopefully you're learning enough that you can apply this information to other situations. Your instincts are on the right track and with time their calibration will get better. You're willing to learn and that's more than the creepy men described above bothered to do.
posted by Green With You at 10:03 AM on March 28, 2016 [15 favorites]
posted by Green With You at 10:03 AM on March 28, 2016 [15 favorites]
Oh please don't ;____; It's not you, it's just every time I get into a cab or an Uber or lyft alone with a man, I'm ready at a moment's notice to open the car door and roll out onto the highway...
posted by stoneandstar at 10:04 AM on March 28, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by stoneandstar at 10:04 AM on March 28, 2016 [8 favorites]
As an off-duty tip: as others have said, do not ask if she has a boyfriend because being owned by another man is not the only reason not to ask someone out. And men who think that way generally take a lack of any such ownership as a fait accompli: we therefore must go out with you because we have no reason to say no. Or, maybe, we're available for sexual assault without any repercussions, unless our daddy gets mad. Accept a woman's no as if she's actually capable of deciding for herself.
Do not ask women for their phone numbers as a means to indicate interest, either, because all that means is you'll have a way to text us sexually violent verbal abuse 24/7 if we reject you. If you are interested, say you are interested and ask if they'd be interested in having a brief daytime public date.
I have gotten the impression that both Lyft and Uber drivers have private discussion forums or other backchannel communications in which the relative merits of passengers and means of making passengers miserable and frightened are often discussed. Do not participate in that.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:04 AM on March 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
Do not ask women for their phone numbers as a means to indicate interest, either, because all that means is you'll have a way to text us sexually violent verbal abuse 24/7 if we reject you. If you are interested, say you are interested and ask if they'd be interested in having a brief daytime public date.
I have gotten the impression that both Lyft and Uber drivers have private discussion forums or other backchannel communications in which the relative merits of passengers and means of making passengers miserable and frightened are often discussed. Do not participate in that.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:04 AM on March 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
Thanks for asking this question before you did it. Nthing please don't do it :)
posted by rubster at 10:26 AM on March 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by rubster at 10:26 AM on March 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Please don't do this, and honestly, please pay attention to social cues more -- I am mortified when a male Uber or Lyft driver wants to talk to me and it makes me feel trapped and unsafe when they persist in trying to be "friendly" with me. Just do your job and when you pick up a customer, you are not supposed to try to pick them up, too, if you get what I mean.
posted by Hermione Granger at 10:41 AM on March 28, 2016
posted by Hermione Granger at 10:41 AM on March 28, 2016
I'm here to add the 59th "ABOLUTELY NOT". Driving for Lyft is not a social activity, and the women in your car are trying to get from A to B safely. Almost every single woman I know including myself, feels a pang of worry when getting into a car with a stranger, be it a yellow cab or lyft, and being asked out by the driver would make all the safety alarms in my head go off . It's a violation of boundaries and an unacceptable one while at that, because it is happening in your "territory" over which the passenger has no control and it would make them feel vulnerable and you predatory.
posted by ariadne_88 at 10:44 AM on March 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by ariadne_88 at 10:44 AM on March 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: All of you confirmed my gut feeling, since the whole thing didn't seem right to me, hence I was hesitating. I loved all the answers. I get the message!. It's a BIG NO. Now I can drive with no regrets of lost moment, instead just have a good conversation and make some money
posted by daveg02 at 10:55 AM on March 28, 2016 [91 favorites]
posted by daveg02 at 10:55 AM on March 28, 2016 [91 favorites]
Jumping in to say no. Also, even though it would seem that the answers above add up to an unambiguous no, I think the suggestions that you publish your Twitter handle or email address in the hopes of getting hit up later are well-meaning but ultimately encouraging you to think of your job as some sort of Tinder on wheels. It's not.
posted by ziggly at 11:29 AM on March 28, 2016 [10 favorites]
posted by ziggly at 11:29 AM on March 28, 2016 [10 favorites]
Agreeing with others who responded that it's a bad idea to ask out your fares. You sound like a nice person and it's tough to find dateable people. A lot of people meet others at work, and this is your work so maybe it seems natural. Anyway, after all the advice above I'm sure you won't risk this. As others mentioned, you could get down-rated (though I've heard of some riders getting banned after complaining, so apparently the customer isn't always right according to these companies.)
Explicit requests for dates aside, even driver body-language can be skeezy enough to make me go, WTF? I was in a taxi once when the driver turned around in his seat and looked me up and down (had on a skirt that day, natch) as I was filling out the credit card slip. Felt like taking a shower afterward. A couple weeks ago I was coming back in a cab from a doctor appointment in the evening, when the driver started talking about a sex club he knew about in the area we were driving through. And oh, look, he says, it's right over there! Can you see it? He told me about a sex worker he'd dropped off there, and he just went on and on. I laughed, thinking we'd have an eye-roll moment about how crazy life is or whatever, but this guy was just sort of grimly obsessed with his chosen topic. Couldn't get out of there fast enough!
posted by cartoonella at 12:31 PM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Explicit requests for dates aside, even driver body-language can be skeezy enough to make me go, WTF? I was in a taxi once when the driver turned around in his seat and looked me up and down (had on a skirt that day, natch) as I was filling out the credit card slip. Felt like taking a shower afterward. A couple weeks ago I was coming back in a cab from a doctor appointment in the evening, when the driver started talking about a sex club he knew about in the area we were driving through. And oh, look, he says, it's right over there! Can you see it? He told me about a sex worker he'd dropped off there, and he just went on and on. I laughed, thinking we'd have an eye-roll moment about how crazy life is or whatever, but this guy was just sort of grimly obsessed with his chosen topic. Couldn't get out of there fast enough!
posted by cartoonella at 12:31 PM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Nthing the nos....and I think that asking a woman one doesn't know if she has a bf is extremely rude.
Dr.Nerdlove has tons of good advice for socially awkward men.
posted by brujita at 12:31 PM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Dr.Nerdlove has tons of good advice for socially awkward men.
posted by brujita at 12:31 PM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Glad you said you'd rethought this. This advert gives you a pretty good idea of what would be going through my mind if you started hitting on me (and is why I don't use Uber or Lyft since, with all due respect to you as you seem very nice, the drivers are completely unscreened random strangers).
posted by tinkletown at 3:12 PM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by tinkletown at 3:12 PM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
I have been a female driver (cabdriver, but same thing, right?) and the time I was hit on by a fare, you know what I did? I dropped him off at the front of the nearest cab line. We got there because my *first* impulse was to immediately pull over and leave him on the side of the highway. He had to beg me to let him stay in my car for the two minutes it took to get to a cab stand.
That's how uncomfortable I was made by being asked out by a male stranger in my back seat. So imagine how it feels when I'm not in the driver's seat.
posted by RedEmma at 3:31 PM on March 28, 2016 [13 favorites]
That's how uncomfortable I was made by being asked out by a male stranger in my back seat. So imagine how it feels when I'm not in the driver's seat.
posted by RedEmma at 3:31 PM on March 28, 2016 [13 favorites]
I am a woman who makes friendly conversation with cab/rideshare drivers. I am not interested in dating or fucking any of them. I am simply making conversation. I am not flirting. It drives me nuts how men think if you make conversation, you are flirting and interested. I once had a cab driver ask me out and it skeeved me out beyond belief. If a rideshare driver did this to me, I would 100% report them and hope they get fired. Leave your passengers alone. They are being polite in making conversation, they do not want to date you.
posted by AppleTurnover at 5:51 PM on March 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by AppleTurnover at 5:51 PM on March 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
I want to echo that being warm and friendly with a nice driver is really just about being a nice person in general. I often carry on conversations I have little interest in or at best a passing interest in with a driver because they seem like they want to chat and I don't want to be a jerk. I can't think of a single instance I was the least bit interested in any of them. And I take a lot of ubers. A decent portion of which are driven by guys who are probably within 5-10 years of my age. Being driven somewhere is really one of the most common forced prolonged social interactions with a stranger you are going to have. There is definitely pressure to be friendly and make pleasant small talk. Sometimes the conversation is even pretty interesting, but yeah I've never walked away from an uber going we should continue this conversation over drinks.
And from a practical standpoint, if this was uber or lyft there is a very decent chance I'd downgrade your rating and I never do that unless I'm in fear for my safety or being blatantly ripped off.
posted by whoaali at 7:38 PM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
And from a practical standpoint, if this was uber or lyft there is a very decent chance I'd downgrade your rating and I never do that unless I'm in fear for my safety or being blatantly ripped off.
posted by whoaali at 7:38 PM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
I'm glad you asked this question rather than acting on it.
If you need a 68th 'oh god no', here it is. I would be extremely scared and creeped out if anyone ever did this.
posted by Ashlyth at 8:30 PM on March 28, 2016
If you need a 68th 'oh god no', here it is. I would be extremely scared and creeped out if anyone ever did this.
posted by Ashlyth at 8:30 PM on March 28, 2016
Multiple people I know, let's say more than 10, have horror stories about this. I know you've already been convinced, but I just wanted to throw that out there.
posted by emptythought at 9:21 PM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by emptythought at 9:21 PM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
NYC wants to fine taxi drivers for asking passengers on dates.
posted by 1970s Antihero at 8:32 AM on March 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by 1970s Antihero at 8:32 AM on March 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
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posted by Lucinda at 7:57 AM on March 28, 2016 [22 favorites]