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February 11, 2016 11:16 PM Subscribe
What are some things that your parents have done when you were a child that made you absolutely adore them and what are the things they have done that greatly contributed to you having a great relationship with them today?
This post was deleted for the following reason: This is pretty chatty to begin with, but it looks like there's an additional rule-bending thing going on here that isn't okay. -- cortex
My parents gave me a frankly ludicrous amount of freedom.
I had a chain lock on my bedroom door from the time I was about 10 or 11, with the request that I not lock it while I was sleeping (in case of emergency). From high school, I was allowed to go out pretty much whenever I liked, with whomever I liked, as long as I told my parents where I was going and approximately when to expect me home. (Once I had a cell phone, I was expected to text or call them any time I changed locations, or if the home-arrival-estimate time changed.)
I had my own (extremely cheap, old) computer, in a private location, with no parental controls.
I was left to my own devices for homework and projects unless I asked for help (at which point they'd do their best, though by high school they admitted to not having a lot of power there.) I floundered a little in terms of time management in early middle school, but learned my lessons for the most part and was more self-disciplined for it.
This all probably sounds vaguely neglectful, but you have to understand, I was an extremely cautious and sensitive kid. I cared a lot about what adults thought of me. In return, I was extremely honest with my parents because I liked being treated this way (as if I could handle myself) and wanted to keep it going. I told them when I wanted to get on birth control, because I had a boyfriend and expected that sex might be on the horizon. I was allowed to drink at home, and in specific other situation if I cleared it beforehand with them, and I was honest when I thought drinking might occur.
By the time I left for university, I was practically a roommate to them, which I think is exactly how they wanted it - I was ready to fly the nest.
We also had a system that if I never needed to get out of a situation, I could text or stealth-call my dad, pretend to be receiving the call, and he would pretend to be a real jerk. He'd pretend to be mad at me or have some crisis and demand that I come home IMMEDIATELY and "where are you I'm coming to pick you up right now." It was understood I could make use of this at any time of any day or night, and I did, twice.
posted by gloriouslyincandescent at 11:44 PM on February 11, 2016 [29 favorites]
I had a chain lock on my bedroom door from the time I was about 10 or 11, with the request that I not lock it while I was sleeping (in case of emergency). From high school, I was allowed to go out pretty much whenever I liked, with whomever I liked, as long as I told my parents where I was going and approximately when to expect me home. (Once I had a cell phone, I was expected to text or call them any time I changed locations, or if the home-arrival-estimate time changed.)
I had my own (extremely cheap, old) computer, in a private location, with no parental controls.
I was left to my own devices for homework and projects unless I asked for help (at which point they'd do their best, though by high school they admitted to not having a lot of power there.) I floundered a little in terms of time management in early middle school, but learned my lessons for the most part and was more self-disciplined for it.
This all probably sounds vaguely neglectful, but you have to understand, I was an extremely cautious and sensitive kid. I cared a lot about what adults thought of me. In return, I was extremely honest with my parents because I liked being treated this way (as if I could handle myself) and wanted to keep it going. I told them when I wanted to get on birth control, because I had a boyfriend and expected that sex might be on the horizon. I was allowed to drink at home, and in specific other situation if I cleared it beforehand with them, and I was honest when I thought drinking might occur.
By the time I left for university, I was practically a roommate to them, which I think is exactly how they wanted it - I was ready to fly the nest.
We also had a system that if I never needed to get out of a situation, I could text or stealth-call my dad, pretend to be receiving the call, and he would pretend to be a real jerk. He'd pretend to be mad at me or have some crisis and demand that I come home IMMEDIATELY and "where are you I'm coming to pick you up right now." It was understood I could make use of this at any time of any day or night, and I did, twice.
posted by gloriouslyincandescent at 11:44 PM on February 11, 2016 [29 favorites]
Both my parents were immigrants. It was hard for them to participate directly socially in a lot of classical "American" aspects of growing up (sports/girls/movies/books/music) BUT they did emphasize the worth of an education in a selfless way.
You know, they cared in that sense. More than a small thing that setting of the stage was big and when you grow you realize how crucial that is to well being also.
posted by skepticallypleased at 11:48 PM on February 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
You know, they cared in that sense. More than a small thing that setting of the stage was big and when you grow you realize how crucial that is to well being also.
posted by skepticallypleased at 11:48 PM on February 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
My mother has generally always had a very practical and level-headed approach to any problems with which I came to her. Sometimes I was afraid to tell her when I had messed up (and I have messed up!), but over the years I have learnt this is unnecessary because she is very rarely judgemental and instead just focuses on finding a solution. She has refrained from blaming me as she knows I have usually tried my best. I have really valued this and respected her for it, and I hope to emulate it with my own kids one day.
Also, she has always encouraged me to pursue my own interests, never pushing me one way or another.
posted by Mimosa at 12:21 AM on February 12, 2016 [3 favorites]
Also, she has always encouraged me to pursue my own interests, never pushing me one way or another.
posted by Mimosa at 12:21 AM on February 12, 2016 [3 favorites]
Listening... Encouraging me to think about and explore the world... Giving me space, explaining what was going on (in an age-appropriate manner!)... Being generally charming down-to-earth and friendly people with wicked senses of humor... Hm. Always making clear that they expect my path to be different than theirs and support me in doing that (ex: dad: "you know what would be awesome? grandkids!!!" Mom: "...yeah kids are a lot of work and that may not be for you." Mom got brownie points for that attitude and is someone I talk to about difficult decisions because I know she will recommend or advise but not based on her own interests, rather based on mine. Dad's usually good at that too though.)
They trust my judgment, too. That's worth a lot.
posted by Lady Li at 12:37 AM on February 12, 2016 [2 favorites]
They trust my judgment, too. That's worth a lot.
posted by Lady Li at 12:37 AM on February 12, 2016 [2 favorites]
Mom always read to us and always took us to the library and always let us check out as many books as we could carry.
Mom & Dad always taught us independence and how to think for ourselves and self-respect. And then let us get on with things. They respected our choices. They may have worried about our choices but there was never any guilt for going our own ways.
Dad wanted all of us girls to be able to take care of ourselves and not have to have a man around. I know how to run a chainsaw, change my oil, use tools, all the traditionally male type activities, because of him.
Mom taught us how to care for/about people, be respectful, be a welcoming host.
Never any bugging any of us about "when are you going to give us grandchildren?"
Modeled a great marriage for us. Married almost 60 years and are still so affectionate. They hold hands and look after each other and clearly still like each other so much.
posted by Beti at 12:39 AM on February 12, 2016 [5 favorites]
Mom & Dad always taught us independence and how to think for ourselves and self-respect. And then let us get on with things. They respected our choices. They may have worried about our choices but there was never any guilt for going our own ways.
Dad wanted all of us girls to be able to take care of ourselves and not have to have a man around. I know how to run a chainsaw, change my oil, use tools, all the traditionally male type activities, because of him.
Mom taught us how to care for/about people, be respectful, be a welcoming host.
Never any bugging any of us about "when are you going to give us grandchildren?"
Modeled a great marriage for us. Married almost 60 years and are still so affectionate. They hold hands and look after each other and clearly still like each other so much.
posted by Beti at 12:39 AM on February 12, 2016 [5 favorites]
When your kid comes home, crying, hold him and comfort him -- and then send him out to solve his own problems.
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 1:15 AM on February 12, 2016
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 1:15 AM on February 12, 2016
My mother, for all her faults, did one thing I absolutely love her for: she did not fall prey to, or let me be the victim of, insidious beauty standards. I am dark-skinned, in a country where it is perfectly acceptable to sell 'fairness creams' with taglines like, 'White in. Dark out.' and my mother (who is much lighter-skinned than I am) will, to this day, go HULK SMASH at anyone insinuating that having dark skin is a bad thing. I'm so grateful to have that, especially with the crap a lot of my friends internalised about their complexions. Especially if you have daughters, making sure they have good body image is SO important.
She also let me read as much as I liked, and was always willing to spend money on books. As a gifted child in a system that has no place for them, this saved my sanity over the years.
posted by Tamanna at 1:17 AM on February 12, 2016 [2 favorites]
She also let me read as much as I liked, and was always willing to spend money on books. As a gifted child in a system that has no place for them, this saved my sanity over the years.
posted by Tamanna at 1:17 AM on February 12, 2016 [2 favorites]
Taught me how to use grown up scissors when all my peer were still on safety scissors. Trusted me not to cut my own fingers off.
Came and picked me and my friends up from our first nights at the disco at four in the morning, just to be sure we did not get in the car drunk.
posted by thegirlwiththehat at 2:22 AM on February 12, 2016
Came and picked me and my friends up from our first nights at the disco at four in the morning, just to be sure we did not get in the car drunk.
posted by thegirlwiththehat at 2:22 AM on February 12, 2016
I was sent to a boarding school for my last 3 years of school (age 14-17). It was about 2 hours' drive from home, and I think we had one or two home weekends per term. I was not a confident child, and it was initially tough, but my relationship with my parents really benefited. I really appreciated talking to them on the phone (in small doses due to pay phones), and home weekends were a pleasure -- being the guest of honour. We could make a big fuss over each other, in a way that would've been impossible if I were at home all the time. And I did gain a lot of independence from the experience.
(Also, in the two years before boarding school, they let me and my older brother move our bedroom into an outhouse -- physically separated from the main house. That felt like a significant increase in our independence, and allowed us to play videogames until late at night.)
After school, in young adulthood, the best thing my parents did was mainly not to try and control my life choices. (In some respects they still did, but it gradually decreased and me moving overseas helped a lot.) They successfully managed to transition from active parenting to just being loving and supportive figures in my life. For this reason I still speak to them on the phone at least once per week. (I live overseas, we see each other about once a year.)
When I was very young... mainly I guess never letting me ever doubt that they loved or supported me, never making their love seem conditional.
posted by snarfois at 4:00 AM on February 12, 2016
(Also, in the two years before boarding school, they let me and my older brother move our bedroom into an outhouse -- physically separated from the main house. That felt like a significant increase in our independence, and allowed us to play videogames until late at night.)
After school, in young adulthood, the best thing my parents did was mainly not to try and control my life choices. (In some respects they still did, but it gradually decreased and me moving overseas helped a lot.) They successfully managed to transition from active parenting to just being loving and supportive figures in my life. For this reason I still speak to them on the phone at least once per week. (I live overseas, we see each other about once a year.)
When I was very young... mainly I guess never letting me ever doubt that they loved or supported me, never making their love seem conditional.
posted by snarfois at 4:00 AM on February 12, 2016
2 things, 2 very very different parents (divorced by the time I was 3).
Mom would talk to me. Just chat. About everything. She liked to tease out a story, even when I didn't want to talk. My earliest memory of this is me, sitting on the bed while she put on makeup in a mirror, asking her, accusingly, "Mom, what's your REAL name?"
Dad and I used to go hunting when I was maybe 8-13 or so. The hour or two roadtrips before dawn were the single most bonding experiences of my life. That whole large block of 1 on 1 time, without too many items to tick off a checklist, and just let it unfold matter. A lot.
posted by DigDoug at 4:44 AM on February 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
Mom would talk to me. Just chat. About everything. She liked to tease out a story, even when I didn't want to talk. My earliest memory of this is me, sitting on the bed while she put on makeup in a mirror, asking her, accusingly, "Mom, what's your REAL name?"
Dad and I used to go hunting when I was maybe 8-13 or so. The hour or two roadtrips before dawn were the single most bonding experiences of my life. That whole large block of 1 on 1 time, without too many items to tick off a checklist, and just let it unfold matter. A lot.
posted by DigDoug at 4:44 AM on February 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
Gave me independence and the freedom to mess up. Trusted me. Picked me up and dusted me off when I did get myself into trouble, then let me solve the problem on my own. Accepted me for who I am. Let me do whatever the hell I wanted with my bedroom, including painting silver snake-print trim and making a living collage out of an entire wall. Let me handle the controls on my life.
My parents didn't treat me like I was a brainless kid, so I didn't act like one.
posted by rachaelfaith at 5:03 AM on February 12, 2016 [3 favorites]
My parents didn't treat me like I was a brainless kid, so I didn't act like one.
posted by rachaelfaith at 5:03 AM on February 12, 2016 [3 favorites]
I had a lot of physical issues growing up, and trips to doctors and hospitals, but my mom did a great job reinforcing my body image by telling me how pretty I was, and how smart I was. She also reminded me all the time of families and children who weren't as fortunate as my family was, which gave me very good perspective.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 5:14 AM on February 12, 2016
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 5:14 AM on February 12, 2016
My father taught me how to read with two chairs in the middle of our backyard. We sat there every day in the summer before 1st grade, and any little boost a kid can get is amazing.
My mother has spent the 17 years since she had her youngest daughter improving herself and her surroundings. It's just been a beautiful part of my life to see her changing for the better. Always an atmosphere of continued self-improvement.
posted by shenkerism at 5:23 AM on February 12, 2016
My mother has spent the 17 years since she had her youngest daughter improving herself and her surroundings. It's just been a beautiful part of my life to see her changing for the better. Always an atmosphere of continued self-improvement.
posted by shenkerism at 5:23 AM on February 12, 2016
I appreciate that my folks have always been enthusiastic about what my brother and I want to do with our lives, even if they have reservations. My little brother is in the Army, I work in tropical rainforests, and our parents are both probably a lot greyer than they would be if they'd told us no, do something safer and more sensible, but we're both happy and thriving people now. When we were kids, my parents would go out of their way to try to make interesting connections for us, or find us relevant books or movies. My poor parents probably spent years of their life in zoos or at military history museums, but never complained (at least to me) about having to hear me get really excited at primate behavior once again.
This has also extended to trusting that we know what we need, and not overstepping that (but also, supporting us and being there if we do need something). When I had malaria the first time and was in the US, I told my parents I did not want them to fly out to where I live to come to the hospital, that all I wanted was to sit in my hospital room by myself and sleep. I know that my mom in particular took a lot of flack from "friends" and stupid assholes who were shocked and horrified that she didn't drop everything and ignore what I was telling her about how I wanted to be treated.
posted by ChuraChura at 5:23 AM on February 12, 2016 [3 favorites]
This has also extended to trusting that we know what we need, and not overstepping that (but also, supporting us and being there if we do need something). When I had malaria the first time and was in the US, I told my parents I did not want them to fly out to where I live to come to the hospital, that all I wanted was to sit in my hospital room by myself and sleep. I know that my mom in particular took a lot of flack from "friends" and stupid assholes who were shocked and horrified that she didn't drop everything and ignore what I was telling her about how I wanted to be treated.
posted by ChuraChura at 5:23 AM on February 12, 2016 [3 favorites]
My mother made a conscious decision to treat her daughters like friends. She minds her own business and doesn't give advice or suggestions (much). She asks herself, "Would I say that to a girlfriend?" I still need her today as much as I needed her 42 years ago.
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 5:30 AM on February 12, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 5:30 AM on February 12, 2016 [2 favorites]
My mother set out quite deliberately to teach us (all girls) to make decisions and reap whatever consequences there were. At the start, it was things like "do you want the red dress or the blue dress?" and "do you want a hamburger or a hot dog for lunch?". But by age 13, we were selecting and paying for our own clothes. They listened and asked questions, but never advised us when choosing colleges, majors, careers, investments, and so forth.
The other thing that stands out for me are the times they violated the petty little "shoulds" of life. Like waking us up to stop for ice cream at 11:30pm when we were driving to my aunt's house for Thanksgiving. Or following some cute guy in a car through downtown Portland, just because we (at 12, 14, and 16) thought he was cute, and getting thoroughly lost.
posted by DrGail at 5:40 AM on February 12, 2016
The other thing that stands out for me are the times they violated the petty little "shoulds" of life. Like waking us up to stop for ice cream at 11:30pm when we were driving to my aunt's house for Thanksgiving. Or following some cute guy in a car through downtown Portland, just because we (at 12, 14, and 16) thought he was cute, and getting thoroughly lost.
posted by DrGail at 5:40 AM on February 12, 2016
I was always allowed to read whatever I wanted. There were no restrictions on books at all. Movies were pretty much the same. It was up to me to decide if something was too freaky or horrible and to stop.
Also, my Dad was able to argue any side of a debate, which always made me work harder when it came to arguing my side. We actually don't agree on many things when it comes to politics but he never made me feel stupid for being on the other side; he made me more determined to articulate my side well enough to get him to cede a point.
posted by h00py at 5:46 AM on February 12, 2016 [3 favorites]
Also, my Dad was able to argue any side of a debate, which always made me work harder when it came to arguing my side. We actually don't agree on many things when it comes to politics but he never made me feel stupid for being on the other side; he made me more determined to articulate my side well enough to get him to cede a point.
posted by h00py at 5:46 AM on February 12, 2016 [3 favorites]
My parents always had my back and were willing to raise hell if I wanted it. I had a few "crazy" ideas about my educational path and they spent a lot of time making phone calls and having discussions with school administrators to make it happen. I knew that in any discussion with another adult about me, they would believe me and take my side even if the other person was in a position or authority or knew better because I was just a kid. In an environment where I was bullied, and even other adults told me that I should "aim lower" than what I wanted to accomplish, I appreciated having them in my corner. I don't think their trust was unconditional. so I never lied to them and never put them in a position of defending me if it wasn't warranted.
posted by capsizing at 6:05 AM on February 12, 2016
posted by capsizing at 6:05 AM on February 12, 2016
Great question.
My parents never made us feel as though we couldn't call them any time, any where.
I could be out with friends in the middle of the night, and if I had a panic attack, or an emergency or ANYTHING I knew that no matter where I was, one of my parents would be willing to throw on clothes to come get me.
Even with 4 kids, we rarely if ever took advantage of this promise... but knowing that it was there and they promised not to get mad or exasperated... it made us kids feel very safe into our teens and early 20s.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 6:26 AM on February 12, 2016
My parents never made us feel as though we couldn't call them any time, any where.
I could be out with friends in the middle of the night, and if I had a panic attack, or an emergency or ANYTHING I knew that no matter where I was, one of my parents would be willing to throw on clothes to come get me.
Even with 4 kids, we rarely if ever took advantage of this promise... but knowing that it was there and they promised not to get mad or exasperated... it made us kids feel very safe into our teens and early 20s.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 6:26 AM on February 12, 2016
I don't know if this goes without saying these days--I honestly hope it does, but I doubt it--but it was certainly unusual for my generation: I was never spanked. Never slapped, never pinched, never swatted, even when I might have "deserved" it. As a result, I don't have any memories of fearing my parents. That memory that a lot of people have, especially guys, of finally making a stand and refusing to be spanked? I don't have that. Sure, there was discipline, and scolding, even yelling, and there was that time I stood up to my parents about something-or-other that seemed super important at the time, but I never feared that I might go too far and get punched or shoved or even physically intimidated. I respect my parents, and I work hard to live up to their expectations, even now that my father has been dead 15 years, but I was never afraid of my parents.
posted by MrMoonPie at 6:46 AM on February 12, 2016
posted by MrMoonPie at 6:46 AM on February 12, 2016
My parents were both extremely supportive of me. Many parents would have been dismissive and upset when their child announced that they wanted to be a theatre major, but my parents both did everything they could to be supportive: took me to visit all of my dream colleges, encouraged my love of theatre, told me I could go wherever I wanted to go. They also both taught me that it doesn't matter whether I win or lose, as long as I tried my best. It's made me a pretty well-adjusted adult and helped me not beat myself up if I fail because I know that I always try my best.
Like someone else said, my mom is always ready to celebrate me. Even if it's something little, I knew that if I told her about something I was excited about, she would act like it was the best thing that's ever happened.
My dad took us on little adventures that I have great memories of. We once trekked to a grocery store in a snowstorm, bought a turkey, put it in the oven, and then went and played in the park for hours while it cooked. We picked berries and made pies together. He also was the one who took us on fancy vacations, but I have better memories of those little things.
posted by anotheraccount at 6:50 AM on February 12, 2016
Like someone else said, my mom is always ready to celebrate me. Even if it's something little, I knew that if I told her about something I was excited about, she would act like it was the best thing that's ever happened.
My dad took us on little adventures that I have great memories of. We once trekked to a grocery store in a snowstorm, bought a turkey, put it in the oven, and then went and played in the park for hours while it cooked. We picked berries and made pies together. He also was the one who took us on fancy vacations, but I have better memories of those little things.
posted by anotheraccount at 6:50 AM on February 12, 2016
My dad's always been a source of loving encouragement, always believed in my abilities. He told me - all the time - that I had it in me to do anything I wanted to do, and reminds me of this even now. He believes anything is possible. (He's had an unusual life, with the kinds of experiences that back this up, so I feel like I can believe him.) Best cheerleader.
Similar to Dressed to Kill - if I ever needed an emergency ride or help, he was there. Any time of day or night, no questions asked, no judgement.
When I was little, he was a lot of fun (when he could be).
My mom (definitely) wasn't judgement-free, and she wasn't often "fun" in the same way, but she understood me better than anyone; consoled me when I was sad; supported my interests (signed me up, very early, for piano and dance lessons, which I stuck with for a longish time; also any wacky one-off interest, even if it was less likely); reliably kept everything going; demonstrated, through her actions and the way she lived her life, what it is to be a strong woman. I think my fondest memories of my mom are of spending time with her in our vegetable garden. It gave her (and me) such a peaceful and happy feeling, to work with the earth. (We moved a bit, but wherever we lived, however long we were there, she planted a garden.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 7:05 AM on February 12, 2016
Similar to Dressed to Kill - if I ever needed an emergency ride or help, he was there. Any time of day or night, no questions asked, no judgement.
When I was little, he was a lot of fun (when he could be).
My mom (definitely) wasn't judgement-free, and she wasn't often "fun" in the same way, but she understood me better than anyone; consoled me when I was sad; supported my interests (signed me up, very early, for piano and dance lessons, which I stuck with for a longish time; also any wacky one-off interest, even if it was less likely); reliably kept everything going; demonstrated, through her actions and the way she lived her life, what it is to be a strong woman. I think my fondest memories of my mom are of spending time with her in our vegetable garden. It gave her (and me) such a peaceful and happy feeling, to work with the earth. (We moved a bit, but wherever we lived, however long we were there, she planted a garden.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 7:05 AM on February 12, 2016
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posted by catspajammies at 11:25 PM on February 11, 2016 [1 favorite]