I was really hoping you'd tell me that story about the thing again
December 14, 2015 10:44 AM Subscribe
I need to spend NYE having a sober dinner with people who have absolutely no interest in being inclusive. I can't not go. How do I survive this?
I've read this thread already. The crucial difference is that these people aren't co-workers. They're my partner's entire social circle. Based on past experience, I know this experience is going to be horrifically painful for me. These people have been friends since nursery school and it is impossible to have a conversation with them that isn't rooted exclusively in nostalgia for the same five stories about the funny thing that happened where everyone except me was there.
It's been like this for a year. I know my contempt here seems strong but I promise, AskMeFi, that I've made wholehearted efforts to be genuinely interested in what they have to say, but it's literally the same five stories over and over and over again. I have tried. My god, I have tried. It hasn't changed. It will never change.* It makes me feel bored, left out and frustrated. Watching oil-based paint dry would be more entertaining because the fumes would at least get me high. I've actually brought myself to tears thinking about how uncomfortable this event will be and it's still two weeks away. I can't no-show because it's the last big social event of the year, and it would mean a lot to my partner for me to attend with him.
How do I survive this [and let's be real, every other future] event?
*This has gotten unbearable to the point that I have semi-seriously considered DTMFA-ing my wonderful partner because these regular social events are so distressing to attend.
I've read this thread already. The crucial difference is that these people aren't co-workers. They're my partner's entire social circle. Based on past experience, I know this experience is going to be horrifically painful for me. These people have been friends since nursery school and it is impossible to have a conversation with them that isn't rooted exclusively in nostalgia for the same five stories about the funny thing that happened where everyone except me was there.
It's been like this for a year. I know my contempt here seems strong but I promise, AskMeFi, that I've made wholehearted efforts to be genuinely interested in what they have to say, but it's literally the same five stories over and over and over again. I have tried. My god, I have tried. It hasn't changed. It will never change.* It makes me feel bored, left out and frustrated. Watching oil-based paint dry would be more entertaining because the fumes would at least get me high. I've actually brought myself to tears thinking about how uncomfortable this event will be and it's still two weeks away. I can't no-show because it's the last big social event of the year, and it would mean a lot to my partner for me to attend with him.
How do I survive this [and let's be real, every other future] event?
*This has gotten unbearable to the point that I have semi-seriously considered DTMFA-ing my wonderful partner because these regular social events are so distressing to attend.
Surely at least one of these people will bring a partner/date/friend to NYE. Sit next to that person.
posted by headnsouth at 10:50 AM on December 14, 2015 [35 favorites]
posted by headnsouth at 10:50 AM on December 14, 2015 [35 favorites]
Your partner needs to step up here and insert you into the conversation. "Have you met my partner, quadrant seasons? They got a job/started school/had a baby/adopted a puppy this year."
posted by desjardins at 10:50 AM on December 14, 2015 [16 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 10:50 AM on December 14, 2015 [16 favorites]
If you're seriously considering dumping your partner over this, I feel like the solution is for you to not go, and your partner to get over it. You need to be able to hash this shit out in a long term relationship. Surely if you explain to your partner that this has caused you to burst into tears they will be able to see that they need you let you have this one.
posted by selfnoise at 10:51 AM on December 14, 2015 [81 favorites]
posted by selfnoise at 10:51 AM on December 14, 2015 [81 favorites]
Yeah, are you the only partner coming to this thing? Because maybe all the rest of them have already decided to ditch these events going forward.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:52 AM on December 14, 2015 [17 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:52 AM on December 14, 2015 [17 favorites]
If your partner doesn't help with this (have you asked him to help with this?), I think you CAN not go. Talk to your partner, suggest something else for the two of you to do for the night. If these friends are that unbearably cliquey and anti-welcoming, then maybe he needs to hang with them alone and you need to hang with your friends when he does. I am wondering if the other friends have partners? What do they do? Or are they all partnered up with each other?
Frankly, I'd just bail.
posted by clone boulevard at 10:54 AM on December 14, 2015 [4 favorites]
Frankly, I'd just bail.
posted by clone boulevard at 10:54 AM on December 14, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Two things need to happen, or one or the other does.
- Partner needs to step up and work with you being Team Us on having these events not be so lousy. Partner can change the subject, can stop the discussion about the thing and fill you in, can go off with you to do the dishes or something and dish for five minutes about how everyone is doing that THING and isn't it great you don't do this all the time, can beg off to leave early, can arrange to arrive late, can basically not toss you under the buss to endure this sort of thing. This is part of being in a partnership and they are clearly not helping you feel included either.
- You need to manage your stress better about all of this or at least figure out what is pushing your buttons so hard. Being brought to tears anticipating an event that will, at most, take up four hours of your life is not (as I'm sure you know) good for you. You are making a bad event take up weeks instead of four hours. I totally get that the event is shitty but I think it's worth looking into why you feel SO trapped and SO miserable and SO not in control that you are panicking. What else is going on here? I mean we all do stuff we don't want to all the time, and there's often a bit of a "take one for the team" mentality in a partnership where we sometimes soldier through something that isn't enjoyable because it's meaningful to our partner even if it is not meaningful to us. Somehow that's not working for you two here. Is it because you feel like you are always the person to do this? Or maybe you feel like your partner is not helping and it reveals some other problems in your relationship?
Only you know what else is making this seem SO HORRIBLE but it might be worth unpacking. It's just boring people. It's not a root canal. You aren't unsafe. So what is going on?
Also for what it's worth I think it's fine not to go or at least discuss with your partner the option of not going. See how that goes. Think about next steps from there.
posted by jessamyn at 10:54 AM on December 14, 2015 [118 favorites]
- Partner needs to step up and work with you being Team Us on having these events not be so lousy. Partner can change the subject, can stop the discussion about the thing and fill you in, can go off with you to do the dishes or something and dish for five minutes about how everyone is doing that THING and isn't it great you don't do this all the time, can beg off to leave early, can arrange to arrive late, can basically not toss you under the buss to endure this sort of thing. This is part of being in a partnership and they are clearly not helping you feel included either.
- You need to manage your stress better about all of this or at least figure out what is pushing your buttons so hard. Being brought to tears anticipating an event that will, at most, take up four hours of your life is not (as I'm sure you know) good for you. You are making a bad event take up weeks instead of four hours. I totally get that the event is shitty but I think it's worth looking into why you feel SO trapped and SO miserable and SO not in control that you are panicking. What else is going on here? I mean we all do stuff we don't want to all the time, and there's often a bit of a "take one for the team" mentality in a partnership where we sometimes soldier through something that isn't enjoyable because it's meaningful to our partner even if it is not meaningful to us. Somehow that's not working for you two here. Is it because you feel like you are always the person to do this? Or maybe you feel like your partner is not helping and it reveals some other problems in your relationship?
Only you know what else is making this seem SO HORRIBLE but it might be worth unpacking. It's just boring people. It's not a root canal. You aren't unsafe. So what is going on?
Also for what it's worth I think it's fine not to go or at least discuss with your partner the option of not going. See how that goes. Think about next steps from there.
posted by jessamyn at 10:54 AM on December 14, 2015 [118 favorites]
If they only want to talk about good old times why are you expected to be there? You should bring this up with your partner, they should offer a solution. (Invite other people? Broaden conversation? Be frank with their friends that they're being exclusionary? Or just not expect you to go?)
posted by Wretch729 at 10:55 AM on December 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Wretch729 at 10:55 AM on December 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
Would it mean a lot to your partner for you to come to the degree that he is in tears thinking about how miserable he will be if you don't?
Because if not, it sounds like it will mean even more to you if you don't have to go. His feelings are not the only important ones here.
posted by babelfish at 10:55 AM on December 14, 2015 [10 favorites]
Because if not, it sounds like it will mean even more to you if you don't have to go. His feelings are not the only important ones here.
posted by babelfish at 10:55 AM on December 14, 2015 [10 favorites]
Why does your partner want you to go? I am asking seriously, because I can't see what he is gaining from having you there, but if you knew, then maybe you could figure out another way he could get whatever it is he wants and you could be less completely miserable.
posted by jeather at 10:58 AM on December 14, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by jeather at 10:58 AM on December 14, 2015 [7 favorites]
Best answer: It sounds like you hate this event because you feel left out ("the same five stories about the funny thing that happened where everyone except me was there"). Which is totally understandable. I agree with the people saying that you probably should at least consider talking to your partner about this, because he is expecting high-grade emotional labor here and he may not understand what this is like for you and what he's asking.
That being said. Do you have to pay attention to the stories? If no, I'd go ahead and start making a list of ways to keep yourself entertained:
-Coming up with theories to fill in plot holes in media you enjoy
-Plotting a story
-Mental arithmetic
-Start a gift list for next Christmas
-Ghost of John Adams -- this is a game I play sometimes where I pretend that the ghost of John Adams has suddenly shown up and I have to explain what's going on in modern life to him -- electricity, social mores, cars, economics, what people around me are doing, the whole shebang. Choose your dead historical celebrity as you like.
If you have to at least appear to be paying attention, you could try counting how many times each story appears and seeing which story wins, or how many times certain words get used.
posted by pie ninja at 11:00 AM on December 14, 2015 [49 favorites]
That being said. Do you have to pay attention to the stories? If no, I'd go ahead and start making a list of ways to keep yourself entertained:
-Coming up with theories to fill in plot holes in media you enjoy
-Plotting a story
-Mental arithmetic
-Start a gift list for next Christmas
-Ghost of John Adams -- this is a game I play sometimes where I pretend that the ghost of John Adams has suddenly shown up and I have to explain what's going on in modern life to him -- electricity, social mores, cars, economics, what people around me are doing, the whole shebang. Choose your dead historical celebrity as you like.
If you have to at least appear to be paying attention, you could try counting how many times each story appears and seeing which story wins, or how many times certain words get used.
posted by pie ninja at 11:00 AM on December 14, 2015 [49 favorites]
If this happened to me I would say to my partner, "Baby, I have really tried to have fun with your friends and I can't. I am so upset thinking about hanging out with them on New Year's Eve that it's making me cry. I am willing to hang out with them a couple times a year because they're important to you, but if you want to spend New Year's Eve with them, I need to make plans to do something else."
You guys can find a compromise about one holiday without breaking up!
posted by latkes at 11:01 AM on December 14, 2015 [6 favorites]
You guys can find a compromise about one holiday without breaking up!
posted by latkes at 11:01 AM on December 14, 2015 [6 favorites]
Best answer: You have two options:
1. Tell your partner that you find these evenings terrible because you're left out of the conversation, so if he wants you to go, if it really means that much to him, then he'll bend over backwards to make sure to keep you included. In fact, develop a signal, a squeeze or a code word. Frankly, if he's allowed you to be ignored and bored in the past, he's kind of an asshole for asking you to accompany him on a forced march down memory lane.
2. Instead of assuming that your partner needs and wants you to be there, tell him, "Honey, I know you want to get together with Buffy, Sissy, Jody and Mr. French on New Year's Eve, but honestly, I feel so left out and unwelcome when we go out with them I find it really painful and boring. How about this? You go out with them and enjoy yourself. I'll stay home and enjoy some alone time, and we can ring in the new year when you get home."
Really, if I knew Husbunny felt this way about my friends, the LAST thing I'd do is make him come with me, and I for sure wouldn't make plans for an important holiday where my Partner felt so unhappy.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:01 AM on December 14, 2015 [9 favorites]
1. Tell your partner that you find these evenings terrible because you're left out of the conversation, so if he wants you to go, if it really means that much to him, then he'll bend over backwards to make sure to keep you included. In fact, develop a signal, a squeeze or a code word. Frankly, if he's allowed you to be ignored and bored in the past, he's kind of an asshole for asking you to accompany him on a forced march down memory lane.
2. Instead of assuming that your partner needs and wants you to be there, tell him, "Honey, I know you want to get together with Buffy, Sissy, Jody and Mr. French on New Year's Eve, but honestly, I feel so left out and unwelcome when we go out with them I find it really painful and boring. How about this? You go out with them and enjoy yourself. I'll stay home and enjoy some alone time, and we can ring in the new year when you get home."
Really, if I knew Husbunny felt this way about my friends, the LAST thing I'd do is make him come with me, and I for sure wouldn't make plans for an important holiday where my Partner felt so unhappy.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:01 AM on December 14, 2015 [9 favorites]
> If you're seriously considering dumping your partner over this, I feel like the solution is for you to not go, and your partner to get over it.
Exactly. Of course you can "not go"; just tell your partner "Sorry, I can't do this, have fun" and do whatever you'll enjoy. Partnership does not mean the right to inflict misery on one's partner.
posted by languagehat at 11:05 AM on December 14, 2015 [8 favorites]
Exactly. Of course you can "not go"; just tell your partner "Sorry, I can't do this, have fun" and do whatever you'll enjoy. Partnership does not mean the right to inflict misery on one's partner.
posted by languagehat at 11:05 AM on December 14, 2015 [8 favorites]
If you choose to discuss this with your partner, consider framing your discussion in terms of "your friends are boring" rather than "I feel left out." Because people who tell the same story over and over again are boring.
posted by headnsouth at 11:06 AM on December 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by headnsouth at 11:06 AM on December 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Oh man, I got trapped in these kinds of logical fallacy type predicaments a lot with my ex because my ex believed that his friends took precedence above everything. The thing is that if he loves you, he will understand that you can't go and not fault you for it whatsoever. If he says anything to the effect of "you don't play well with others" or "why can't you do this for my sake", throw it back at him because he's being a dick and needs to grow up.
My suggestion is this: go to him in good faith and propose a compromise. You and he will attend this get together for 2 hours or some amount of time that you can stand. Then, once that amount of time is up, y'all leave and go ring in the new year somewhere else that doesn't involve these people. That way he gets a chance to be with his friends, and you get to escape mostly unscathed after a short amount of time.
If this dude is your person, you're gonna have to hack this situation again and again. Rather than put yourself through tears and torture, face it and insist your needs get met too. I mean, hell, why start the new year in resentment when you could instead begin it in balance?
posted by Hermione Granger at 11:06 AM on December 14, 2015 [9 favorites]
My suggestion is this: go to him in good faith and propose a compromise. You and he will attend this get together for 2 hours or some amount of time that you can stand. Then, once that amount of time is up, y'all leave and go ring in the new year somewhere else that doesn't involve these people. That way he gets a chance to be with his friends, and you get to escape mostly unscathed after a short amount of time.
If this dude is your person, you're gonna have to hack this situation again and again. Rather than put yourself through tears and torture, face it and insist your needs get met too. I mean, hell, why start the new year in resentment when you could instead begin it in balance?
posted by Hermione Granger at 11:06 AM on December 14, 2015 [9 favorites]
Best answer: > My suggestion is this: go to him in good faith and propose a compromise. You and he will attend this get together for 2 hours or some amount of time that you can stand.
I don't see the point of this. Why be miserable for even two hours? If nobody's going to make any effort to include the poster, presumably they'll barely notice the absence, and it will be awkward to get up after the allotted time and say (in effect) "Wellp, that's all I can take, bye now!" Better just to not be there; a moment of awkward excuse-making by partner and it's all over.
posted by languagehat at 11:09 AM on December 14, 2015 [7 favorites]
I don't see the point of this. Why be miserable for even two hours? If nobody's going to make any effort to include the poster, presumably they'll barely notice the absence, and it will be awkward to get up after the allotted time and say (in effect) "Wellp, that's all I can take, bye now!" Better just to not be there; a moment of awkward excuse-making by partner and it's all over.
posted by languagehat at 11:09 AM on December 14, 2015 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I think your wants are just as important as his, and while it may mean a lot for him to have to you, it would mean a lot to you if you didn't have to. Soooooo stay home.
But the question you asked is...how do I survive this? So the answer is to get drunk or high. And make your partner do something to pay you back. Tell him beforehand what it will be. He will have to buy you something, or do something special either for you, or to you. And then allllll night you can keep thinking about the thing you're going to get afterwards ;) Every time they start in on another telling of the story where the thing happened and then the other thing happened, lovingly kick your partner under the table and then smile brilliantly while you think about the thing you're going to get. It could become a big yearly joke and something you actually look forward to.
Also, I think the main thing here is that you feel left out to the point that you're enraged about it. And your partner does not understand or recognize your rage. I totally get it. I would be very frustrated too.
posted by the webmistress at 11:10 AM on December 14, 2015 [5 favorites]
But the question you asked is...how do I survive this? So the answer is to get drunk or high. And make your partner do something to pay you back. Tell him beforehand what it will be. He will have to buy you something, or do something special either for you, or to you. And then allllll night you can keep thinking about the thing you're going to get afterwards ;) Every time they start in on another telling of the story where the thing happened and then the other thing happened, lovingly kick your partner under the table and then smile brilliantly while you think about the thing you're going to get. It could become a big yearly joke and something you actually look forward to.
Also, I think the main thing here is that you feel left out to the point that you're enraged about it. And your partner does not understand or recognize your rage. I totally get it. I would be very frustrated too.
posted by the webmistress at 11:10 AM on December 14, 2015 [5 favorites]
Listen, there are certain social obligations you have as part of a couple. But there are also times when you don't really need your partner around just because it's a special occasion. I was invited to a wedding a few years back. Friends of mine from high school were getting married. I thought my partner wouldn't enjoy the trip down memory lane as much as I would, so I told him he was welcome to come, but not obligated. He didn't go. It was great. I got to relax and enjoy time with old friends and didn't have to worry about making sure he was comfortable all night. And SO didn't have to worry about meeting a bunch of strangers he would likely never see again.
Yeah, if I were you I'd totally stay home. And I know my SO would be okay with that.
posted by futureisunwritten at 11:11 AM on December 14, 2015 [12 favorites]
Yeah, if I were you I'd totally stay home. And I know my SO would be okay with that.
posted by futureisunwritten at 11:11 AM on December 14, 2015 [12 favorites]
Best answer: it would mean a lot to my partner for me to attend with him
Is that coming from him or from you? When my husband dislikes some of my social groups (though mostly it's because they are noisy rather than tedious) I can be a big girl and go by myself and not get my feelings hurt. It is appropriate to have boundaries in a relationship, and this is one of those times when you should assert them.
And if my husband noped out of a New Year's event for the reasons you want out of this one, I'd probably have a hard think about whether it was the absolute best use of my NYE as well. If my entire social circle couldn't give less of a fuck about a) engaging in productive interaction with each other and b) my spouse, I might need to reconsider my priorities in life.
Otherwise, if you really don't think you can get out of it for political reasons, read something interesting before you go and think about that. Just smile and nod whenever everyone else does, eat your dinner, and live in your head. (Let me recommend getting obsessed with the Hamilton original cast recording, which you can memorize between now and then and study the annotations on genius.com and basically replay in your head in 3-hour loops.)
Still, if they do this "all the time" you can stop going and he can skip them when it's more important to be with you.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:12 AM on December 14, 2015 [12 favorites]
Is that coming from him or from you? When my husband dislikes some of my social groups (though mostly it's because they are noisy rather than tedious) I can be a big girl and go by myself and not get my feelings hurt. It is appropriate to have boundaries in a relationship, and this is one of those times when you should assert them.
And if my husband noped out of a New Year's event for the reasons you want out of this one, I'd probably have a hard think about whether it was the absolute best use of my NYE as well. If my entire social circle couldn't give less of a fuck about a) engaging in productive interaction with each other and b) my spouse, I might need to reconsider my priorities in life.
Otherwise, if you really don't think you can get out of it for political reasons, read something interesting before you go and think about that. Just smile and nod whenever everyone else does, eat your dinner, and live in your head. (Let me recommend getting obsessed with the Hamilton original cast recording, which you can memorize between now and then and study the annotations on genius.com and basically replay in your head in 3-hour loops.)
Still, if they do this "all the time" you can stop going and he can skip them when it's more important to be with you.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:12 AM on December 14, 2015 [12 favorites]
Best answer: First of all, I give you permission to not go. You don't need any reason beyond "I don't want to."
If you do go, make your partner drive or take a cab and get high as hell if necessary before you leave the house. Pot cookies, muscle relaxants, benzos, whatever you like, assuming you can't just get drunk before you leave the house since they are having a sober party.
You said it means so much to your partner - why's that? Is it this particular holiday? Is it that he wants to show you off to these people? Why do you need to be there? Will they be upset with him if he shows up without you? Doesn't seem like it, if they don't include you in their conversations.
If he's really invested in making sure you interact with his social circle, why isn't he doing any emotional labor to start conversations that you can also participate in or otherwise making these events inclusive? Is he? Doesn't sound like it...
You dread "every other future event" - have you told him that?! Does he go to any gatherings with your friends/family/People? If so, how are those events for him? Why are his friends so important? If he doesn't go out with your friends, why not?
Y'all need to talk about this with each other.
Or maybe just date someone whose People you get along with, I think that's pretty important. I think it's okay to dump someone if you don't get along with ANY of their friends. I've always thought the point of having a relationship is growing a family-like social network of close friends whose company both partners enjoy. (Otherwise, a booty call would be more practical, preventing any invitations to go to a party of people you don't like.) It's reasonable to end an otherwise okay relationship if you cannot get along with anyone in your partner's circle, especially if your partner isn't trying to help you integrate into that group.
posted by zdravo at 11:14 AM on December 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
If you do go, make your partner drive or take a cab and get high as hell if necessary before you leave the house. Pot cookies, muscle relaxants, benzos, whatever you like, assuming you can't just get drunk before you leave the house since they are having a sober party.
You said it means so much to your partner - why's that? Is it this particular holiday? Is it that he wants to show you off to these people? Why do you need to be there? Will they be upset with him if he shows up without you? Doesn't seem like it, if they don't include you in their conversations.
If he's really invested in making sure you interact with his social circle, why isn't he doing any emotional labor to start conversations that you can also participate in or otherwise making these events inclusive? Is he? Doesn't sound like it...
You dread "every other future event" - have you told him that?! Does he go to any gatherings with your friends/family/People? If so, how are those events for him? Why are his friends so important? If he doesn't go out with your friends, why not?
Y'all need to talk about this with each other.
Or maybe just date someone whose People you get along with, I think that's pretty important. I think it's okay to dump someone if you don't get along with ANY of their friends. I've always thought the point of having a relationship is growing a family-like social network of close friends whose company both partners enjoy. (Otherwise, a booty call would be more practical, preventing any invitations to go to a party of people you don't like.) It's reasonable to end an otherwise okay relationship if you cannot get along with anyone in your partner's circle, especially if your partner isn't trying to help you integrate into that group.
posted by zdravo at 11:14 AM on December 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
You could always sit there and play with your phone. It's not ideal manners-wise, but I don't think most men would hesitate to do this in a group of women who were boring him. So why not?
posted by gentian at 11:15 AM on December 14, 2015 [14 favorites]
posted by gentian at 11:15 AM on December 14, 2015 [14 favorites]
All the above is golden advice. I would probably end up feigning illness, because I'm a big old chicken deep dpwn, bok bok bok.
But when I was at my most assertive, and on just the right combination of antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications, I would have probably done something more like this: If I already knew all those same boring stories that had been told all over again, I would jump the F into all those conversations and ruin them by saying what happened next.
Jenny: Remember when Jake and Linda were fist dating and Linda lived with her parents? And they stayed out really late before he dropped Linda off at home?
Me: Wasn’t that during the big Peeping Tom scare?
Jenny? Uh, yeah. And everyone else was in bed, and Linda quietly sneaked up to her room and began to get ready for bed. Suddenly she heard someone outside her window!
Me: And she though it was the peeping tom! Ha, ha, ha!
Linda: Uh, yeah. I screamed for my father. He rushed in, because he thought I was hurt, and I yelled…
Me: “It’s the peeping tom! It’s the peeping tom!” God, you must have been scared spitless!
Jenny: But then they heard Jake’s voice outside, calling…
Me: “Linda! Linda! It’s me! My car won’t start!” Ha, ha, ha, I can never get enough of that one! Man, I need a drink.
But yeah, probably talking to your SO about you not going is the best way to go.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:23 AM on December 14, 2015 [15 favorites]
But when I was at my most assertive, and on just the right combination of antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications, I would have probably done something more like this: If I already knew all those same boring stories that had been told all over again, I would jump the F into all those conversations and ruin them by saying what happened next.
Jenny: Remember when Jake and Linda were fist dating and Linda lived with her parents? And they stayed out really late before he dropped Linda off at home?
Me: Wasn’t that during the big Peeping Tom scare?
Jenny? Uh, yeah. And everyone else was in bed, and Linda quietly sneaked up to her room and began to get ready for bed. Suddenly she heard someone outside her window!
Me: And she though it was the peeping tom! Ha, ha, ha!
Linda: Uh, yeah. I screamed for my father. He rushed in, because he thought I was hurt, and I yelled…
Me: “It’s the peeping tom! It’s the peeping tom!” God, you must have been scared spitless!
Jenny: But then they heard Jake’s voice outside, calling…
Me: “Linda! Linda! It’s me! My car won’t start!” Ha, ha, ha, I can never get enough of that one! Man, I need a drink.
But yeah, probably talking to your SO about you not going is the best way to go.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:23 AM on December 14, 2015 [15 favorites]
Can you invite a friend along and talk to them? Going forward, just always bring your own crew to these events.
posted by Julnyes at 11:27 AM on December 14, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Julnyes at 11:27 AM on December 14, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: There's always the nuclear option: when one of these stories starts up, you preempt it by rush-telling and finishing the story for them. You, someone who was not there.
It's a total dick move, and you will *not* make friends by doing it, but a) it's tremendously effective, and b) you won't ever have to worry about being invited again.
Again: nuclear option. You only get to use it once.
posted by Capt. Renault at 11:34 AM on December 14, 2015 [18 favorites]
It's a total dick move, and you will *not* make friends by doing it, but a) it's tremendously effective, and b) you won't ever have to worry about being invited again.
Again: nuclear option. You only get to use it once.
posted by Capt. Renault at 11:34 AM on December 14, 2015 [18 favorites]
Best answer: Our social circle mostly consists of people that work with my wife at a haunted house and conversations can get “inside baseball” at times. Here’s how I survive:
- Be extremely blunt and announce “wow, I have no idea what you guys are talking about. Hey, what do you think about (random subject change)?”
- Implausibly insert myself in the story and add crazy details (“Oh yeah, I remember when that person was late. Wasn’t that the night they stole that car?”). People tend to laugh and add crazy details of their own and then the subject changes.
- Drink and float around from conversation to conversation.
- All else fails, surf MetaFilter on my phone.
Thing is, my wife and friends know about their tendency to do this so no one minds when they are called out and I also enjoy their company. It doesn’t sound like either one is the case with you. Have you brought this up with your SO? They can shoulder some of the social weight of shifting the conversation away from nostalgia towards current events.
posted by Diskeater at 11:34 AM on December 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
- Be extremely blunt and announce “wow, I have no idea what you guys are talking about. Hey, what do you think about (random subject change)?”
- Implausibly insert myself in the story and add crazy details (“Oh yeah, I remember when that person was late. Wasn’t that the night they stole that car?”). People tend to laugh and add crazy details of their own and then the subject changes.
- Drink and float around from conversation to conversation.
- All else fails, surf MetaFilter on my phone.
Thing is, my wife and friends know about their tendency to do this so no one minds when they are called out and I also enjoy their company. It doesn’t sound like either one is the case with you. Have you brought this up with your SO? They can shoulder some of the social weight of shifting the conversation away from nostalgia towards current events.
posted by Diskeater at 11:34 AM on December 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: FWIW, I sort of felt this way about my husband's friends when we first met. Lots of reminiscing about high school shenanigans and people I'd never met. I, too, felt incredibly bored and left out and unhappy, though not DTMFA unhappy. I did not go to all of the events where this group hung out, but I did go to the special occasions.
Some twenty years later, it still happens, and I've recognized that it's an important way for these people to feel connected to one another. But! As time has passed, everyone has had more life experiences separately and together. Weddings, funerals, children being born, mortgages and health scares and job changes. Even better, I've forged individual friendships with many of them, so now I have points of connection and things to talk about that my husband might never care to talk about.
So what I would say is, focus on living through some new stories with these people, and try to engage in some one-on-one conversation to properly meet these people as individuals, not interchangeable parts of a collective. You may find in a year's time, that weird thing that happened on NYE going into 2016 has joined the roster of stories that get told.
posted by Andrhia at 11:41 AM on December 14, 2015 [6 favorites]
Some twenty years later, it still happens, and I've recognized that it's an important way for these people to feel connected to one another. But! As time has passed, everyone has had more life experiences separately and together. Weddings, funerals, children being born, mortgages and health scares and job changes. Even better, I've forged individual friendships with many of them, so now I have points of connection and things to talk about that my husband might never care to talk about.
So what I would say is, focus on living through some new stories with these people, and try to engage in some one-on-one conversation to properly meet these people as individuals, not interchangeable parts of a collective. You may find in a year's time, that weird thing that happened on NYE going into 2016 has joined the roster of stories that get told.
posted by Andrhia at 11:41 AM on December 14, 2015 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: To clarify some points:
-I brought this up to my partner about events (because they always go the same way) months ago. First, he told me I wasn't trying hard enough. When I finally got him to understand how alienated I feel, he said he'll do what he can but he can't control what his friends say (fair enough).
-It's important that I go because this isn't my home country. I have no family here and all my grad school friends will be away to their real families. If I don't go to this, I'll be alone. It means a lot to me in that sense. It means a lot to Mr. Quadrant Seasons because he doesn't want to choose between me or his friends for NYE so I'm making it easy for him. He says he wouldn't mind but it's gonna be one of those things where if he doesn't go, he'll use it as an example of a time where he wanted to do something but gave it up for me.
-Yes, he hangs out with my friends sometimes but they're more exclusive because we're a ragtag bunch of misfits and also we're not dicks.
posted by quadrant seasons at 11:43 AM on December 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
-I brought this up to my partner about events (because they always go the same way) months ago. First, he told me I wasn't trying hard enough. When I finally got him to understand how alienated I feel, he said he'll do what he can but he can't control what his friends say (fair enough).
-It's important that I go because this isn't my home country. I have no family here and all my grad school friends will be away to their real families. If I don't go to this, I'll be alone. It means a lot to me in that sense. It means a lot to Mr. Quadrant Seasons because he doesn't want to choose between me or his friends for NYE so I'm making it easy for him. He says he wouldn't mind but it's gonna be one of those things where if he doesn't go, he'll use it as an example of a time where he wanted to do something but gave it up for me.
-Yes, he hangs out with my friends sometimes but they're more exclusive because we're a ragtag bunch of misfits and also we're not dicks.
posted by quadrant seasons at 11:43 AM on December 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
How often are these occurring? Since it's NYE and sort of short notice, I could see sucking it up one more time, and then that's it. After that, if he wants to hang out with his friends for a big holiday that you want to celebrate together (I'm assuming that's why you "have to go"), you guys host/coordinate and you invite your friends along too. If possible, I'd try to do that this year, but I know some people have that night locked in already and that might not be possible.
When that's not possible for you to jointly host or if it's a random get together, you get the night off.
For the future, can you go out with one couple at a time? it might help break you into the group so the larger gatherings are more welcoming.
To survive this year, if you decide you have to go, play a game with your partner. Every time you being up a topic that gets turned into the same old stories, he owes you X. If you can call your shot, (" I bet I can get Jen to rehash story #3), he owes you Y. If you can fill in a piece of the story, you get Z (only do this if they're dicks, not just socially inept).
posted by ghost phoneme at 11:44 AM on December 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
When that's not possible for you to jointly host or if it's a random get together, you get the night off.
For the future, can you go out with one couple at a time? it might help break you into the group so the larger gatherings are more welcoming.
To survive this year, if you decide you have to go, play a game with your partner. Every time you being up a topic that gets turned into the same old stories, he owes you X. If you can call your shot, (" I bet I can get Jen to rehash story #3), he owes you Y. If you can fill in a piece of the story, you get Z (only do this if they're dicks, not just socially inept).
posted by ghost phoneme at 11:44 AM on December 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
He says he wouldn't mind but it's gonna be one of those things where if he doesn't go, he'll use it as an example of a time where he wanted to do something but gave it up for me.
Hey great - since you already have a few of the "that time I did the thing with your friends I HATED because it meant a lot to you" this will go a small way towards equaling up your balance.
Look: take him at his word. He said he wouldn't mind. So hang out with him, the two of you. He uses it as an example? Who cares? I mean if you guys are doing this sort of scorekeeping in your relationship then you can start keeping your own chitmarks. You're making this easy for him at the expense of making it difficult on yourself. This could be an Ask/Guess culture thing or it could be something else but if you've already had the conversation and you've admitted this was sort of your decision (because he gave you the option) then it's pointing out an imbalance in your relationship that isn't just about NYE and not just about his dull friends.
Maybe you're both sort of passive? Because sure he can't control what his friends talk about but he is part of the ongoing conversation and an invited guest at the party and he can control his own responses to the conversation(s) going on around him. Maybe make a trade? You do this this time and he can prepare in advance to not spend NYE with these folks next year. This is how I dealt with some noxious family obligations with my SO and it worked out okay.
posted by jessamyn at 11:50 AM on December 14, 2015 [33 favorites]
Hey great - since you already have a few of the "that time I did the thing with your friends I HATED because it meant a lot to you" this will go a small way towards equaling up your balance.
Look: take him at his word. He said he wouldn't mind. So hang out with him, the two of you. He uses it as an example? Who cares? I mean if you guys are doing this sort of scorekeeping in your relationship then you can start keeping your own chitmarks. You're making this easy for him at the expense of making it difficult on yourself. This could be an Ask/Guess culture thing or it could be something else but if you've already had the conversation and you've admitted this was sort of your decision (because he gave you the option) then it's pointing out an imbalance in your relationship that isn't just about NYE and not just about his dull friends.
Maybe you're both sort of passive? Because sure he can't control what his friends talk about but he is part of the ongoing conversation and an invited guest at the party and he can control his own responses to the conversation(s) going on around him. Maybe make a trade? You do this this time and he can prepare in advance to not spend NYE with these folks next year. This is how I dealt with some noxious family obligations with my SO and it worked out okay.
posted by jessamyn at 11:50 AM on December 14, 2015 [33 favorites]
Your boyfriend can't control what his friends say, but he can control what HE says, like "Hey, did you know that quadrant did/likes [related thing]!" or in any sort of way try to change the topic to something you can be included in.
If he's going to use "I didn't go hang out watch my friends exclude you on NYE as a favour to you" you might want to consider if he, too, is a dick. I mean, he should care that you are being excluded and upset as part of caring about you.
Also I don't see why you need to be sober (if you don't want to be).
posted by jeather at 11:52 AM on December 14, 2015 [9 favorites]
If he's going to use "I didn't go hang out watch my friends exclude you on NYE as a favour to you" you might want to consider if he, too, is a dick. I mean, he should care that you are being excluded and upset as part of caring about you.
Also I don't see why you need to be sober (if you don't want to be).
posted by jeather at 11:52 AM on December 14, 2015 [9 favorites]
He says he wouldn't mind but it's gonna be one of those things where if he doesn't go, he'll use it as an example of a time where he wanted to do something but gave it up for me.
Um, good partners don't--or rather, shouldn't--hold something like this against their partner. Sometimes you give up something you want to do for whatever reason. He sounds really self-centered. He's okay with you being miserable and wanting to dig your eye out with a spoon but if he had to be without you on NYE, that's bad?
I can get not wanting to be alone in a new country for NYE, but I think in the end it comes down to whether you dread being there with his friends more than being alone on NYE.
posted by smirkette at 11:52 AM on December 14, 2015 [35 favorites]
Um, good partners don't--or rather, shouldn't--hold something like this against their partner. Sometimes you give up something you want to do for whatever reason. He sounds really self-centered. He's okay with you being miserable and wanting to dig your eye out with a spoon but if he had to be without you on NYE, that's bad?
I can get not wanting to be alone in a new country for NYE, but I think in the end it comes down to whether you dread being there with his friends more than being alone on NYE.
posted by smirkette at 11:52 AM on December 14, 2015 [35 favorites]
Best answer: i'm in a similar position wrt home countries (in my case, and i am assuming yours, my partner is a "local". also everything is in my second language, and there was a fairly big cultural difference).
i toughed it out, and i recommend you do too.
first, it does get better. these people get to know you, over time, and talk to you more. and you get better at their culture too.
second, it helps to realise they are probably both uncomfortable with you and, in some confused way, trying too. in which case they do appreciate you going, and you are building long-term trust.
in the end, these people have been support for me. it took a long time, and a lot of work, and i still don't see them that much, or get along with them so well. but they were there for me when i was taken into hospital when my partner was away, for example - they considered me part of the package that comes with being friends with partner and they did their bit.
a lot of what you write sounds like you are having a hard time in a different culture / place. it IS hard. i have been in tears many times, with frustration, too. but you need to tough it out. it's the only way through, apart from going home, because living as a hermit is no fun at all.
however, i have to say, my partner also rocks, and put in a lot of work to help me. if you're not a team, being an expat is not going to be much fun (for us, this has been something built on living both ways - there have been times when i was the local, too).
posted by andrewcooke at 11:55 AM on December 14, 2015 [4 favorites]
i toughed it out, and i recommend you do too.
first, it does get better. these people get to know you, over time, and talk to you more. and you get better at their culture too.
second, it helps to realise they are probably both uncomfortable with you and, in some confused way, trying too. in which case they do appreciate you going, and you are building long-term trust.
in the end, these people have been support for me. it took a long time, and a lot of work, and i still don't see them that much, or get along with them so well. but they were there for me when i was taken into hospital when my partner was away, for example - they considered me part of the package that comes with being friends with partner and they did their bit.
a lot of what you write sounds like you are having a hard time in a different culture / place. it IS hard. i have been in tears many times, with frustration, too. but you need to tough it out. it's the only way through, apart from going home, because living as a hermit is no fun at all.
however, i have to say, my partner also rocks, and put in a lot of work to help me. if you're not a team, being an expat is not going to be much fun (for us, this has been something built on living both ways - there have been times when i was the local, too).
posted by andrewcooke at 11:55 AM on December 14, 2015 [4 favorites]
but it's gonna be one of those things where if he doesn't go, he'll use it as an example of a time where he wanted to do something but gave it up for me.
Ok, nope. That sounds like it's his problem that he's going to make your problem. This is not ok behavior from your partner, and if this is how he rolls I'd take a very hard look at the rest of your relationship. I would argue that this is straight up manipulation of your emotions.
Relationships don't need to be about balance sheets, especially if keeping the books even means one of you will literally cry about your "obligations". Don't go. If he tries to make this your problem, give him warning that this is a red flag on your entire relationship. He might undermine your feelings on this. That's a sign. I'm sorry. Do what will keep you sane, happy and healthy.
posted by zinful at 11:55 AM on December 14, 2015 [23 favorites]
Ok, nope. That sounds like it's his problem that he's going to make your problem. This is not ok behavior from your partner, and if this is how he rolls I'd take a very hard look at the rest of your relationship. I would argue that this is straight up manipulation of your emotions.
Relationships don't need to be about balance sheets, especially if keeping the books even means one of you will literally cry about your "obligations". Don't go. If he tries to make this your problem, give him warning that this is a red flag on your entire relationship. He might undermine your feelings on this. That's a sign. I'm sorry. Do what will keep you sane, happy and healthy.
posted by zinful at 11:55 AM on December 14, 2015 [23 favorites]
Do these people do anything besides eat and tell stories about the good old days? Even a vaguely-expressed interest could maybe lead to an alternate activity. Maybe you'll browse their music collection and take forever to make a playlist, maybe you desperately need to watch the New Year's thing on TV, maybe there will be music and you will convince people to dance, maybe you will be super-helpful and go do some kitchen cleanup, maybe you've got a dessert that you absolutely have to share with them all but you're going to need to spend 45 minutes in the kitchen making whipped cream and arranging the garnishes perfectly, maybe you'll being a card/board/party game you're just dying to try out. There's got to be something you can do either on your own, or that someone in the group might do with you, that would be more interesting than just sitting there listening to them go on and on.
posted by aimedwander at 11:56 AM on December 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by aimedwander at 11:56 AM on December 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
I can't not go.
Pfffffft. PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT.
Yes you totally can not go - now, it's a matter of figuring out how you'd like to make that happen. There's some good suggestions above, but I just wanted to really reiterate how silly the "I can't not go" thing is - that is like a nuclear resentment factory right there.
posted by destructive cactus at 11:57 AM on December 14, 2015 [23 favorites]
Pfffffft. PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT.
Yes you totally can not go - now, it's a matter of figuring out how you'd like to make that happen. There's some good suggestions above, but I just wanted to really reiterate how silly the "I can't not go" thing is - that is like a nuclear resentment factory right there.
posted by destructive cactus at 11:57 AM on December 14, 2015 [23 favorites]
You want to spend NYE with him (and not like a hermit or a pair of hermits) and he wants to spend NYE with them. New Years is a really long night, because it goes from dinnertime (say, 7pm) till midnight, and then a round of celebrations afterward, it's a least a 6-hour party. Find out which part of the evening he really wants to do with them: dinner, or midnight, or some other "moment" to be there for. Negotiate. He needs to be willing to negotiate with you. So then you will go with him and spend that part of the evening there, but he will say to them, "Gosh, QuadrantSeasons and I really wanted to have a romantic [dinner] together, so we're going to have dinner, and then come meet you after. We can't wait to see you all for [activity at midnight], this is going to be so great!" Or maybe you invent a tradition that just the two of you will do at midnight, or some other reason you absolutely can't stay past 9pm, and you'll go for boring-story dinner and then go have your midnight cake and relaxation someplace else.
posted by aimedwander at 12:05 PM on December 14, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by aimedwander at 12:05 PM on December 14, 2015 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: I can't drink because I've got a drinking problem and I've been sober for, like, four months. Drugs, however, were never off the table.
posted by quadrant seasons at 12:06 PM on December 14, 2015
posted by quadrant seasons at 12:06 PM on December 14, 2015
Response by poster: Also, in your answers, please consider that this dinner is at a restaurant so I am confined to that table until I snap and just spend a really long time in the toilets
posted by quadrant seasons at 12:08 PM on December 14, 2015
posted by quadrant seasons at 12:08 PM on December 14, 2015
Pardon me for stating the obvious, but you say It will never change. and I've actually brought myself to tears thinking about how uncomfortable this event will be but this is mostly about [and let's be real, every other future] event. From your follow-up response, it sounds like your partner has already played the "how this goes gets to impact our future plans" card.
Now you get to take that and trump it. This isn't about NYE. This is about how you make plans together. Compromise in a partnership may involve soldiering through an unpleasant situation, but it isn't heaping mounds of unpleasantness on either side of a scale until they balance out. Your partner should either be accepting you don't want to go, or working with you to change the dynamics. Is there a neutral activity like a game you could all engage in to soften the experience? Another friend to bring that you can chat with? Permission to leave early (or arrive late)? Some way to break up the socializing so you can get one on one time with a singular friend and have a chat at a level you can connect to? Do none of these people have their own +1's to bring who might also feel outside the in-group?
Also, it is up to you to establish your opinion of your partner's friends, but if you really regard them as all being dicks, then it is going to be very hard for you to move into a new place with them. If you can get your partner more comfortably on your side, I urge you to give them a new chance too.
posted by meinvt at 12:09 PM on December 14, 2015 [13 favorites]
Now you get to take that and trump it. This isn't about NYE. This is about how you make plans together. Compromise in a partnership may involve soldiering through an unpleasant situation, but it isn't heaping mounds of unpleasantness on either side of a scale until they balance out. Your partner should either be accepting you don't want to go, or working with you to change the dynamics. Is there a neutral activity like a game you could all engage in to soften the experience? Another friend to bring that you can chat with? Permission to leave early (or arrive late)? Some way to break up the socializing so you can get one on one time with a singular friend and have a chat at a level you can connect to? Do none of these people have their own +1's to bring who might also feel outside the in-group?
Also, it is up to you to establish your opinion of your partner's friends, but if you really regard them as all being dicks, then it is going to be very hard for you to move into a new place with them. If you can get your partner more comfortably on your side, I urge you to give them a new chance too.
posted by meinvt at 12:09 PM on December 14, 2015 [13 favorites]
Best answer: Sounds like there's something about watching them be "close" that makes you feel very "far away".
posted by puddledork at 12:13 PM on December 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by puddledork at 12:13 PM on December 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Oh dear, your update is a game changer.
Your Partner tells you that you're not trying hard enough when you tell him you get bored with his friends? Wow. That's not good. It isn't. It means that he expects you conform to them, rather than allowing you to decide that this particular group of people isn't for you. What would be your motive for not WANTING to like these people? It's stupid, of course you'd want these people to be your friends too. You gave it your best shot, it ain't happening.
To me, Being alone on NYE is a lot better than spending it out with people you don't enjoy. Only you know which you'd rather do.
I would discuss with your partner and say: I gave it my very best shot, I find your friends dull and their conversation limited. I don't begrudge you time with them, just please don't plan events that include me. For the record I expect certain holidays be reserved for just us two.
This concerns me a lot: He says he wouldn't mind but it's gonna be one of those things where if he doesn't go, he'll use it as an example of a time where he wanted to do something but gave it up for me.
He's keeping score? Why? Does he think that everything he doesn't get is something you owe him in the future? Do your feelings not matter? Isn't it okay for him to just say, "guys, another time, NYE is for us as a couple." If not, why not?
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:14 PM on December 14, 2015 [34 favorites]
Your Partner tells you that you're not trying hard enough when you tell him you get bored with his friends? Wow. That's not good. It isn't. It means that he expects you conform to them, rather than allowing you to decide that this particular group of people isn't for you. What would be your motive for not WANTING to like these people? It's stupid, of course you'd want these people to be your friends too. You gave it your best shot, it ain't happening.
To me, Being alone on NYE is a lot better than spending it out with people you don't enjoy. Only you know which you'd rather do.
I would discuss with your partner and say: I gave it my very best shot, I find your friends dull and their conversation limited. I don't begrudge you time with them, just please don't plan events that include me. For the record I expect certain holidays be reserved for just us two.
This concerns me a lot: He says he wouldn't mind but it's gonna be one of those things where if he doesn't go, he'll use it as an example of a time where he wanted to do something but gave it up for me.
He's keeping score? Why? Does he think that everything he doesn't get is something you owe him in the future? Do your feelings not matter? Isn't it okay for him to just say, "guys, another time, NYE is for us as a couple." If not, why not?
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:14 PM on December 14, 2015 [34 favorites]
Are you young, or is this relationship young or otherwise strained? In my experience, this false dichotomy you've set up tends to happen when there are big relationship insecurities, or when the people involved are young and inexperienced at being in relationships. For him to be keeping score/stocking up on future ammo about what you did or didn't do is a red flag that you're not in a healthy, mature relationship.
Also, if being alone is, as you say, worse than hanging out with a bunch of people who'll exclude you all night long, then I suggest you might want to investigate why being alone for one night sucks so much.
I have a group of friends I've known since I was 10, and we act very much like how you describe your partner's friends on the rare occasions we get together; I feel closer to them than I do most of my family. Anyone who joins us knows we're likely to reminisce about summer camp all night long. We don't dream of inflicting that stuff on our partners or children. If it were my husband in your shoes, and he were interested in coming (which he never is), I'd beg him not to join us, since I know he'd have a terrible time, and I know I'd be paying way more attention to these old friends than to him.
You don't have to go. Don't go.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 12:15 PM on December 14, 2015 [4 favorites]
Also, if being alone is, as you say, worse than hanging out with a bunch of people who'll exclude you all night long, then I suggest you might want to investigate why being alone for one night sucks so much.
I have a group of friends I've known since I was 10, and we act very much like how you describe your partner's friends on the rare occasions we get together; I feel closer to them than I do most of my family. Anyone who joins us knows we're likely to reminisce about summer camp all night long. We don't dream of inflicting that stuff on our partners or children. If it were my husband in your shoes, and he were interested in coming (which he never is), I'd beg him not to join us, since I know he'd have a terrible time, and I know I'd be paying way more attention to these old friends than to him.
You don't have to go. Don't go.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 12:15 PM on December 14, 2015 [4 favorites]
Could you clarify whether any of your partner's friends have significant others, and if so, whether any of those SOs will attend this event? If the friends do have SOs and they are all off the hook for attending this NYE event, what is your SO's rationale for imposing on you to show up?
Fwiw, my husband occasionally gets together with one group of friends from school whom I know only by name, and no spouses or SOs attend those events. I would be shocked if he gave me a hard time about my not going, considering that none of his friends bring their SOs.
I guess one difference with your situation is that these people are your partner's entire social circle. I don't know what to say about that. That seems to be a whole other problem.
posted by merejane at 12:19 PM on December 14, 2015
Fwiw, my husband occasionally gets together with one group of friends from school whom I know only by name, and no spouses or SOs attend those events. I would be shocked if he gave me a hard time about my not going, considering that none of his friends bring their SOs.
I guess one difference with your situation is that these people are your partner's entire social circle. I don't know what to say about that. That seems to be a whole other problem.
posted by merejane at 12:19 PM on December 14, 2015
Best answer: This may or may not be a direction you want to go, but it's amazing how a little Xanax can make intolerable social events tolerable.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 12:19 PM on December 14, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 12:19 PM on December 14, 2015 [10 favorites]
Best answer: OK, the update helps.
You are being nice and doing him a favor by going. He needs to be nice and do you a favor by agreeing to try to change the subject when you're standing around being excluded by all his friends who are talking about their own clique stuff. If he needs prompting the two of you can come up with a signal.
Are any of these people someone you can picture striking up a one-on-one conversation with on a neutral topic? How's your small talk - can you get by on trading compliments and comments about the weather and current events, broken up by periods of wallflowering? Sure, it's dull, but probably less so than hearing all the same stories again.
More than once I've been the one at the party who spends most of her time entertaining the family pets.
It's too bad your SO isn't being a bit more supportive.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:20 PM on December 14, 2015
You are being nice and doing him a favor by going. He needs to be nice and do you a favor by agreeing to try to change the subject when you're standing around being excluded by all his friends who are talking about their own clique stuff. If he needs prompting the two of you can come up with a signal.
Are any of these people someone you can picture striking up a one-on-one conversation with on a neutral topic? How's your small talk - can you get by on trading compliments and comments about the weather and current events, broken up by periods of wallflowering? Sure, it's dull, but probably less so than hearing all the same stories again.
More than once I've been the one at the party who spends most of her time entertaining the family pets.
It's too bad your SO isn't being a bit more supportive.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:20 PM on December 14, 2015
I put my wife in a similar situation recently, and when she said "Nope, I tried to play nice with your friend's wife and got active shitty pushback, to the point of where I don't want to see your friend and their kids if she's there anymore," I said, "You're right, what she did was shitty, and I'm not going to ask you to hang out with her again." And I didn't. She gave my friend and his kids big hugs when she last saw them... friend's wife was at work. That's what partners in (more) successful relationships do. No scorekeeping, no ultimatums, no passive-aggressive scheduling bullshit. Give and take. Compromise.
posted by infinitewindow at 12:22 PM on December 14, 2015 [23 favorites]
posted by infinitewindow at 12:22 PM on December 14, 2015 [23 favorites]
It's a boring event. You feel left out. Go or don't go, but it's just a boring event. Set a time limit with your partner, like 'we have to go in 2 hours.' Or file this in the favors category, like 'I do this for you, and in a month, when I want to do thing X that you usually duck out of, you take one for the team and come along, no griping.' Put on a smile. Take time out now and then. Read an ebook in the bathroom. Step outside for some fresh air. You'll survive.
posted by zippy at 12:25 PM on December 14, 2015
posted by zippy at 12:25 PM on December 14, 2015
When I have to go to gatherings I can't stand, I secretly find a way to play buzzword bingo. You create a bingo card with catch phrases and cliches that you're likely to hear scattered around, and then each time someone says one, you get a mark on that square. When you've completed a line, you shout BINGO (or try not to shout it, depending on the context). In this case, you can use phrases or even stories to occupy squares.
It's even more fun if you can get someone else to play too (of course their card will be arranged differently than yours), and then you can get that silent glimmer of suppressed laughter when you look at each other after you've filled a square.
I promise you, it's amazing. Rather than being bored out of your mind, you're suddenly paying rapt attention to everything everyone says and the time passes soooo quickly.
posted by jasper411 at 12:30 PM on December 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's even more fun if you can get someone else to play too (of course their card will be arranged differently than yours), and then you can get that silent glimmer of suppressed laughter when you look at each other after you've filled a square.
I promise you, it's amazing. Rather than being bored out of your mind, you're suddenly paying rapt attention to everything everyone says and the time passes soooo quickly.
posted by jasper411 at 12:30 PM on December 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
Depending on who's there, hanging out with my SO's friends can be like this. If it's gong to be like that I either simply don't go or if I have to I just, you know, am bored. In a restaurant or whatever, I'm usually fine people watching.
Are they bad with waitstaff? Sometimes you can share a knowing grimace with the server, which is always fun.
posted by cmoj at 12:32 PM on December 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
Are they bad with waitstaff? Sometimes you can share a knowing grimace with the server, which is always fun.
posted by cmoj at 12:32 PM on December 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: In situations where you're trying to navigate a difficult and entrenched group dynamic, my advice is to find the weak gazelle and peel that gazelle off from the herd. It's much easier to change how you interact with one person than with the whole group, and that insider should be able to help you adjust the group dynamic through their insider connections and by growing your little minority. The natural choice for the slow gazelle is of course your boyfriend, and I share the concerns articulated earlier about his seeming unhelpfulness. But accepting the status quo as you've set it forth, i.e., accepting that your boyfriend is not going to be able to help you change how this works socially, my advice is that you decide who the nicest, or friendliest, or chillest member of this group is, and focus on them. Sit next to them. Talk to them. Build up a friendship with them. Ask them about themselves, distract them from the awful boring group conversation. If you can become comfortable and close with them, they can start interceding for you and including you in the bigger group more effectively.
posted by prefpara at 12:35 PM on December 14, 2015 [18 favorites]
posted by prefpara at 12:35 PM on December 14, 2015 [18 favorites]
Best answer: It's been like this for a year. ... This has gotten unbearable to the point that I have semi-seriously considered DTMFA-ing my wonderful partner because these regular social events are so distressing to attend.
I brought this up to my partner about events (because they always go the same way) months ago. First, he told me I wasn't trying hard enough. When I finally got him to understand how alienated I feel, he said he'll do what he can but he can't control what his friends say (fair enough).
He says he wouldn't mind but it's gonna be one of those things where if he doesn't go, he'll use it as an example of a time where he wanted to do something but gave it up for me.
we're not dicks.
If you're young, have only been dating for a year, and these events and people are going to be a regular part of his life as an ongoing thing, I'd give some serious consideration to moving on, because the endless nostalgia will only get worse post-college, in my experience (other than adding talking about their children once they get to the stage of having them).
You loath his friends, he wants to go tit for tat, is this all worth it?
My suggestion for a coping mechanism is to read How To Make Friends and Influence People and use every one of your interactions with them as practice sessions for the lessons in it. Ultimately, most people like to tell their stories again and again, and being practiced at pretending to be interested in what are often pointless and dull stories will help you professionally and in other parts of life.
posted by Candleman at 12:40 PM on December 14, 2015 [10 favorites]
I brought this up to my partner about events (because they always go the same way) months ago. First, he told me I wasn't trying hard enough. When I finally got him to understand how alienated I feel, he said he'll do what he can but he can't control what his friends say (fair enough).
He says he wouldn't mind but it's gonna be one of those things where if he doesn't go, he'll use it as an example of a time where he wanted to do something but gave it up for me.
we're not dicks.
If you're young, have only been dating for a year, and these events and people are going to be a regular part of his life as an ongoing thing, I'd give some serious consideration to moving on, because the endless nostalgia will only get worse post-college, in my experience (other than adding talking about their children once they get to the stage of having them).
You loath his friends, he wants to go tit for tat, is this all worth it?
My suggestion for a coping mechanism is to read How To Make Friends and Influence People and use every one of your interactions with them as practice sessions for the lessons in it. Ultimately, most people like to tell their stories again and again, and being practiced at pretending to be interested in what are often pointless and dull stories will help you professionally and in other parts of life.
posted by Candleman at 12:40 PM on December 14, 2015 [10 favorites]
Okay, based on your updates, my new advice is to do what you secretly want to do and DTMF because he's emotionally blackmailing you into doing things that make you uncomfortable and unhappy. Like, make that your ultimate holiday and new years present to yourself. He is being a dick and as someone who spent 3 years being told that I wasn't trying hard enough to like or be friendly to a group of profoundly exclusionary, banal, and unkind people, I promise it will be the best thing ever when you spend New Years alone or at a bar with other people going OH MY GOD SO FREE.
Like I get it, he's probably great in other aspects but his attitude about you vs his friends is bad news bears through and through and you deserve better.
posted by Hermione Granger at 12:41 PM on December 14, 2015 [43 favorites]
Like I get it, he's probably great in other aspects but his attitude about you vs his friends is bad news bears through and through and you deserve better.
posted by Hermione Granger at 12:41 PM on December 14, 2015 [43 favorites]
I have (am still) have been in the same situation; with the added complication that the friends speak a language that I am at best merely competent in. So all the jokes/slang etc sail right by me. Over the years, it has become better, but I find the easiest coping thing is to talk to one person: find a suitable companion and try to have a decent conversation about, say, something they're interested in. And also I took a lot of cigarette breaks to while away time.
posted by dhruva at 12:53 PM on December 14, 2015
posted by dhruva at 12:53 PM on December 14, 2015
You've received a lot of great advice above. In addition, I think you need to figure out a future system with partner. My partner comes from a very different family of origin than I do and even though he gets along well with my family, the amount of events and visits my family has are a bit overwhelming for him. So, there are certain events (major holidays or a *big* birthday) that he's already pretty obligated to attend, but then he gets a lot of free passes to nope out of the rest of it. And, if he's had enough and wants to go home, I wrap it up quickly and we go without me whining and prolonging the long goodbye.
At first it was hard for me to understand why it was such a big deal for him to not have to go to everything I wanted to go to (mostly because he gets along well with everyone), but I eventually realized that it was pretty unfair of me to obligate him to my family's social calendar when it was sort-of unpleasant for him. This system has worked well for us, but that's largely because I finally got on-board in a real way and I run interference for him. I think that this could be something your partner does for you if he wants the relationship to last. It won't get you out of every single social obligation, but it could end up being a system where both of you compromise to get to a better outcome. Right now, your partner is not compromising. If he doesn't get on-board, then I think that some of the DTMFA suggestions are not all that far-fetched. Asking you to go to endless mind-numbing and unpleasant [for you] events while putting on a happy face and being gracious is too much to ask. He needs to give a little as well and not keep score. It's not the end of the world for him to give that to you. I did it and I've survived just fine.
posted by quince at 12:55 PM on December 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
At first it was hard for me to understand why it was such a big deal for him to not have to go to everything I wanted to go to (mostly because he gets along well with everyone), but I eventually realized that it was pretty unfair of me to obligate him to my family's social calendar when it was sort-of unpleasant for him. This system has worked well for us, but that's largely because I finally got on-board in a real way and I run interference for him. I think that this could be something your partner does for you if he wants the relationship to last. It won't get you out of every single social obligation, but it could end up being a system where both of you compromise to get to a better outcome. Right now, your partner is not compromising. If he doesn't get on-board, then I think that some of the DTMFA suggestions are not all that far-fetched. Asking you to go to endless mind-numbing and unpleasant [for you] events while putting on a happy face and being gracious is too much to ask. He needs to give a little as well and not keep score. It's not the end of the world for him to give that to you. I did it and I've survived just fine.
posted by quince at 12:55 PM on December 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Ugh, this sounds so crappy. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I agree that you should consider this dynamic in the context of your larger relationship patterns - your partner seems to be acting very inconsiderately towards you here, and is prioritizing his friends over you and the relationship you share; that really isn't okay. His comment that he will "do what he can but he can't control his friends" is especially problematic in that a) it's vague and noncommittal and b) it totally absolves him of any responsibility. Can you talk to him again about what, specifically, he intends to do, and what you would like him to do? As others have said, he can make a point of including you in the conversation. He could also talk to one or two of his closer friends beforehand and ask them to help you feel more included (if you're comfortable with him doing this, of course). He could agree to a certain time limit AND something special planned with just you afterwards. The two of you could work out some sort of code phrase so you can signal him when you're feeling especially excluded and/or ready to go, so that he knows he needs to devote attention to you (or say his goodbyes) then. You could even agree that at such-and-such time, you're going to duck out for a while to call family/friends - get up away from the table and go talk to someone you want to be talking to. There are options other than "you suck it up until your partner is ready to go."
I also wouldn't discount the "don't go" option. If you're in a city/town where lots of things will be going on, how about just taking a stroll around and people-watching? I did this once on a Valentine's Day when I was overseas and single - it was actually a really rewarding way to feel like I was "part" of a bigger thing even if I wasn't actually celebrating with a significant other.
Finally, once you've made it past NYE one way or the other, I hope you'll sit down and work out a much more agreeable arrangement with your partner. How often are you going to these events now? How often could you go and NOT be brought to tears over it? I wouldn't give your partner the option of you just coming to all of these events any more - this obviously isn't working for you - so figure out what you would be comfortable with and go from there. "Easy for him" shouldn't be your be-all-end-all goal - your needs are important, too.
posted by DingoMutt at 1:11 PM on December 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
I also wouldn't discount the "don't go" option. If you're in a city/town where lots of things will be going on, how about just taking a stroll around and people-watching? I did this once on a Valentine's Day when I was overseas and single - it was actually a really rewarding way to feel like I was "part" of a bigger thing even if I wasn't actually celebrating with a significant other.
Finally, once you've made it past NYE one way or the other, I hope you'll sit down and work out a much more agreeable arrangement with your partner. How often are you going to these events now? How often could you go and NOT be brought to tears over it? I wouldn't give your partner the option of you just coming to all of these events any more - this obviously isn't working for you - so figure out what you would be comfortable with and go from there. "Easy for him" shouldn't be your be-all-end-all goal - your needs are important, too.
posted by DingoMutt at 1:11 PM on December 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
You could have an alternative event for all of the partners of the other people that didn't want to go to the one that you're concerned about. Make flyers and everything!
posted by Fister Roboto at 1:37 PM on December 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Fister Roboto at 1:37 PM on December 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
A lot of people have given excellent advice about handling the larger situation with your partner. I heartily agree that you two need to get on the same page for this kind of thing. You guys should be able to know what to expect from each other and feel backed up and supported. There's no perfect solution, but a mutually agreed upon imperfect solution is the next best thing.
In the meantime, here's a few possible coping mechanisms for these types of social situations.
1. Take breaks from the table. Of course you can visit the restroom, but perhaps the restaurant has a lobby or lounge where you could drift off to for 3-5 minutes to clear your head. If the restaurant doesn't lend itself to that, how about a quick trip outside for some fresh air? If this is a long drawn-out evening (rather than a quick dinner), this seems like a totally normal thing. Phrases you can use "I'm going to check out the lounge/bar/fishtank/paintings/etc, be right back." "Oof, I'm a bit stiff from sitting, going to go stretch my legs." "Hmmm, I feel a bit tired, some fresh air will perk me up." "Going to call/text the folks back home to wish them Happy New Year. Be back in a sec."
2. NYE is a holiday that involves props in a lot of countries. Would you be able to shake up the conversation a bit by bringing small gifts (ex: toys, noisemakers, funny hats/crowns, etc)? These do not have to be fancy or expensive, but it just might get the conversation on another track and bring you into the circle.
3. Do you have a skill or party trick that might break the ice a bit or at least let you try a new way of interacting? Could you bring a notepad and sketch or doodle for your partner and his friends? How about playing MadLibs, Exquisite Corpse or some other party game? It doesn't have to be a big "Hey guys, let's all play a game!" kind of thing. You could just quietly start sketching, writing, etc.
Good luck!
posted by annaramma at 1:47 PM on December 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
In the meantime, here's a few possible coping mechanisms for these types of social situations.
1. Take breaks from the table. Of course you can visit the restroom, but perhaps the restaurant has a lobby or lounge where you could drift off to for 3-5 minutes to clear your head. If the restaurant doesn't lend itself to that, how about a quick trip outside for some fresh air? If this is a long drawn-out evening (rather than a quick dinner), this seems like a totally normal thing. Phrases you can use "I'm going to check out the lounge/bar/fishtank/paintings/etc, be right back." "Oof, I'm a bit stiff from sitting, going to go stretch my legs." "Hmmm, I feel a bit tired, some fresh air will perk me up." "Going to call/text the folks back home to wish them Happy New Year. Be back in a sec."
2. NYE is a holiday that involves props in a lot of countries. Would you be able to shake up the conversation a bit by bringing small gifts (ex: toys, noisemakers, funny hats/crowns, etc)? These do not have to be fancy or expensive, but it just might get the conversation on another track and bring you into the circle.
3. Do you have a skill or party trick that might break the ice a bit or at least let you try a new way of interacting? Could you bring a notepad and sketch or doodle for your partner and his friends? How about playing MadLibs, Exquisite Corpse or some other party game? It doesn't have to be a big "Hey guys, let's all play a game!" kind of thing. You could just quietly start sketching, writing, etc.
Good luck!
posted by annaramma at 1:47 PM on December 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Yeah, it's hard to get into that kind of conversation if they're determined to have it, other than to ask the odd question and try to spin something off from there (like "what sort of monkey bars were those?" … "that's really interesting. I read about/saw/did"), but odds are the pull of the nostalgia magnet will be too strong. The other option is to talk to one person at a time, as others have said, you could transition to asking one about something slightly related that matters to them as an individual, and go from there…) Good tips from annaramma, you could try those.
The only way to get in with these people over time (and it will probably take a very long time) is to make new memories with them (that involve doing things, not more talking. Like camping, or scuba diving, something like that.)
Partner should definitely be more mindful of how people respond to you, and it's not cool that he's putting the effort onto you and even less cool if he's indifferent to the challenges you're facing as an outsider more generally. Talk to him, definitely.
Maybe this NYE could be a learning opportunity for him, too. When people are locking you out in an obvious way, give him a stone cold look so he at least sees what's happening, while it's happening. He's probably way underestimating how often this happens (because he's enjoying himself) and just does not get how painful this is for you.
If he refuses to understand after multiple conversations and just doesn't care, best to think about moving on.
posted by cotton dress sock at 1:53 PM on December 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
The only way to get in with these people over time (and it will probably take a very long time) is to make new memories with them (that involve doing things, not more talking. Like camping, or scuba diving, something like that.)
Partner should definitely be more mindful of how people respond to you, and it's not cool that he's putting the effort onto you and even less cool if he's indifferent to the challenges you're facing as an outsider more generally. Talk to him, definitely.
Maybe this NYE could be a learning opportunity for him, too. When people are locking you out in an obvious way, give him a stone cold look so he at least sees what's happening, while it's happening. He's probably way underestimating how often this happens (because he's enjoying himself) and just does not get how painful this is for you.
If he refuses to understand after multiple conversations and just doesn't care, best to think about moving on.
posted by cotton dress sock at 1:53 PM on December 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: You are being emotionally blackmailed. "I want you to go because if you don't I will use this against you in the future" is 100% weapons-grade horseshit.
Your partner is not being solicitous of your needs, and your partner is abdicating responsibility for helping you integrate into their social circle.
Time for a really frank, blunt talk. "You and your friends do these things. I feel left out. You need to commit right now, 100%, that you will involve me in the conversation. If you are not willing to commit to that, and follow through, I am not going. If you do not integrate me into the conversation, I will pretend I got a phone call from the neighbour and I have to leave immediately."
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 2:00 PM on December 14, 2015 [28 favorites]
Your partner is not being solicitous of your needs, and your partner is abdicating responsibility for helping you integrate into their social circle.
Time for a really frank, blunt talk. "You and your friends do these things. I feel left out. You need to commit right now, 100%, that you will involve me in the conversation. If you are not willing to commit to that, and follow through, I am not going. If you do not integrate me into the conversation, I will pretend I got a phone call from the neighbour and I have to leave immediately."
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 2:00 PM on December 14, 2015 [28 favorites]
Best answer: Your partner's friends were my in-laws. I may as well have been a piece of lint on the carpet, for all the inquiry that was made after me.
DON'T GO! Who told you it was "bad" to be alone on NYE? That's a lie.
Your partner doesn't respect the fact that these events put you in a state of despair. I would much rather be home with the television than be around people who don't care a damn about me.
posted by BostonTerrier at 2:01 PM on December 14, 2015 [9 favorites]
DON'T GO! Who told you it was "bad" to be alone on NYE? That's a lie.
Your partner doesn't respect the fact that these events put you in a state of despair. I would much rather be home with the television than be around people who don't care a damn about me.
posted by BostonTerrier at 2:01 PM on December 14, 2015 [9 favorites]
It's gonna be one of those things where if he doesn't go, he'll use it as an example of a time where he wanted to do something but gave it up for me.
This kind of record-keeping would not fly in my relationship. Relationships should not be excel sheets of who is doing "favors" for the other person. Sure, if one person always gets their way, that is something to talk about, but I personally couldn't tolerate someone saving up "points" like that.
But also, I frankly feel like sitting though a dinner at a restaurant with narcissists is boring, but is kind of not an enormous deal either.
I guess I feel empathy for your emotional pain about this, but at the same time feel like the actual problem-solving part of this is straightforward: You can do your own thing. You can go for part of the night. You can just sit through it and sit next to the least annoying person there. I guess it feels like there must be bigger issues and this is just how you two are acting them out, because this specific thing is solvable.
posted by latkes at 2:10 PM on December 14, 2015 [6 favorites]
This kind of record-keeping would not fly in my relationship. Relationships should not be excel sheets of who is doing "favors" for the other person. Sure, if one person always gets their way, that is something to talk about, but I personally couldn't tolerate someone saving up "points" like that.
But also, I frankly feel like sitting though a dinner at a restaurant with narcissists is boring, but is kind of not an enormous deal either.
I guess I feel empathy for your emotional pain about this, but at the same time feel like the actual problem-solving part of this is straightforward: You can do your own thing. You can go for part of the night. You can just sit through it and sit next to the least annoying person there. I guess it feels like there must be bigger issues and this is just how you two are acting them out, because this specific thing is solvable.
posted by latkes at 2:10 PM on December 14, 2015 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Given your update, I feel like your partner is being pretty awful here. No, he can't control what his friends say, but he CAN stick up for you and interject to say "Hey, let's change the subject!" and "I don't want quadrant seasons to feel left out here - let's talk about X other thing" or whatever. My work-related friends group can get awfully insider-talky when we don't check ourselves, and I'm very conscious of speaking up when my husband (or even someone else's SO or friend or whatever) is around and saying "Ok, we're being super boring - new subject!" And because my friends are not total douchebags, we change the topic. If nothing else works, the VERY least your boyfriend can do is have a side conversation with you so that at least you're not sitting there in silence, totally ignored!
I also call bullshit on the "I don't mind but I am alerting you that I will use this moment as ammunition against you in a future argument" move. You obviously feel strongly about this event, and your boyfriend should be taking that seriously rather than being a dick to you about it. It seems like a very reasonable compromise would be to spend part of the evening with friends, WITH him making a serious effort to include you, and then part of the evening just as a couple. (Maybe a couple of hours for dinner, and then you ring in the new year just the two of you?)
I also agree with those above who have said this is worth considering in the larger dynamic of your relationship. If this is really a weird blind spot, maybe it's something you can learn to deal with over time. But if this is generally the level of inconsiderate assholishness that your boyfriend treats you with, it's definitely DTMFA time - you deserve better. The problem is not that he has boring friends, as there are numerous work-arounds for that issue - the problem is that your boyfriend is being a total dick about his boring friends.
posted by rainbowbrite at 2:11 PM on December 14, 2015 [8 favorites]
I also call bullshit on the "I don't mind but I am alerting you that I will use this moment as ammunition against you in a future argument" move. You obviously feel strongly about this event, and your boyfriend should be taking that seriously rather than being a dick to you about it. It seems like a very reasonable compromise would be to spend part of the evening with friends, WITH him making a serious effort to include you, and then part of the evening just as a couple. (Maybe a couple of hours for dinner, and then you ring in the new year just the two of you?)
I also agree with those above who have said this is worth considering in the larger dynamic of your relationship. If this is really a weird blind spot, maybe it's something you can learn to deal with over time. But if this is generally the level of inconsiderate assholishness that your boyfriend treats you with, it's definitely DTMFA time - you deserve better. The problem is not that he has boring friends, as there are numerous work-arounds for that issue - the problem is that your boyfriend is being a total dick about his boring friends.
posted by rainbowbrite at 2:11 PM on December 14, 2015 [8 favorites]
Best answer: Personally, I'd just approach it like any long, grueling but eventually-rewarding event, (see below). You get though it a few minutes (or stories) at a time. You quietly mark the occasion of the halfway point, then the three-quarters-point. You remind yourself that in X hours, you'll be home watching Netflix and relaxing, or whatever.
You remind yourself that you know the difference between discomfort and distress. You remember that now is not forever, that time will move forward, and you will move forward with it. Eventually, there will be dessert, the bill, the shifting of weight and zipping of jackets and exchanging of hugs. Then, you and your partner will be alone together again. You'll have hung in there for a few hours for his sake. If he's as great as you say he is, he'll appreciate the sincere effort you've made to be there, to be as present as the group will allow you to be, and be cool about it.
I've gotten through marathons this way. The feelings you describe here are what I call "that mile-22 feeling". You hate where you are, you hate yourself for being there. You envy the spectators laughing and talking and relaxing on the sidelines. You can't even laugh at their signs anymore because, you know that "if marathons were easy, they'd be called 'your mom'". You knew that five signs ago. But you grin, you high-five the eight-year-old who's leaning onto the course with her arm outstretched. You keep moving forward because there are 4.2 miles ahead of you, versus the 22 that are behind you.
This diner is a few hours on one night of the year. You've gotten through these events before, and you'll get through this one too.
Good luck!
posted by Flipping_Hades_Terwilliger at 2:12 PM on December 14, 2015 [6 favorites]
You remind yourself that you know the difference between discomfort and distress. You remember that now is not forever, that time will move forward, and you will move forward with it. Eventually, there will be dessert, the bill, the shifting of weight and zipping of jackets and exchanging of hugs. Then, you and your partner will be alone together again. You'll have hung in there for a few hours for his sake. If he's as great as you say he is, he'll appreciate the sincere effort you've made to be there, to be as present as the group will allow you to be, and be cool about it.
I've gotten through marathons this way. The feelings you describe here are what I call "that mile-22 feeling". You hate where you are, you hate yourself for being there. You envy the spectators laughing and talking and relaxing on the sidelines. You can't even laugh at their signs anymore because, you know that "if marathons were easy, they'd be called 'your mom'". You knew that five signs ago. But you grin, you high-five the eight-year-old who's leaning onto the course with her arm outstretched. You keep moving forward because there are 4.2 miles ahead of you, versus the 22 that are behind you.
This diner is a few hours on one night of the year. You've gotten through these events before, and you'll get through this one too.
Good luck!
posted by Flipping_Hades_Terwilliger at 2:12 PM on December 14, 2015 [6 favorites]
I know you asked about this particular event but, like the other respondants, It's hard to take this question in isolation from your relationship.
First, he told me I wasn't trying hard enough.
Really? Somehow, I doubt that. Do you agree? From your account, it seems you're trying pretty hard. Anyway, what does "hard enough" entail? It seems like an impossible and unfair standard for you to achieve.
When I finally got him to understand how alienated I feel, he said he'll do what he can but he can't control what his friends say (fair enough).
He'll "do what he can." Again, what does that entail? here's a lot he could do. He could leave the table with you every now and then to give you a break. He could speak with all of his friends in advance and urge them to include you and stop talking about the past. I have a feeling that his saying he'll "do what he can" means he's not going to do anything different at all.
He says he wouldn't mind but it's gonna be one of those things where if he doesn't go, he'll use it as an example of a time where he wanted to do something but gave it up for me.
This is a threat and it annoys me on your behalf. Call his bluff. Give him a get-out-of-an-event free card for his relationship bean-counting storehouse. And when he wants to redeem it, let him. Who cares?
Staying at home and not going seems to be the best option here. It's OK to spend New Year's Eve by yourself. Do solitary and self-enriching things like reading or meditating that you might typically not have enough time to do.
posted by Leontine at 2:16 PM on December 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
First, he told me I wasn't trying hard enough.
Really? Somehow, I doubt that. Do you agree? From your account, it seems you're trying pretty hard. Anyway, what does "hard enough" entail? It seems like an impossible and unfair standard for you to achieve.
When I finally got him to understand how alienated I feel, he said he'll do what he can but he can't control what his friends say (fair enough).
He'll "do what he can." Again, what does that entail? here's a lot he could do. He could leave the table with you every now and then to give you a break. He could speak with all of his friends in advance and urge them to include you and stop talking about the past. I have a feeling that his saying he'll "do what he can" means he's not going to do anything different at all.
He says he wouldn't mind but it's gonna be one of those things where if he doesn't go, he'll use it as an example of a time where he wanted to do something but gave it up for me.
This is a threat and it annoys me on your behalf. Call his bluff. Give him a get-out-of-an-event free card for his relationship bean-counting storehouse. And when he wants to redeem it, let him. Who cares?
Staying at home and not going seems to be the best option here. It's OK to spend New Year's Eve by yourself. Do solitary and self-enriching things like reading or meditating that you might typically not have enough time to do.
posted by Leontine at 2:16 PM on December 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
Is there _any_ chance that you could be brave enough to try introducing a new experience to the group? Then you and they would have that experience in common. Maybe a New Year's tradition from your home country, or a silly game, or even a small food item, or little traditional (inexpensive) gifts? Something like that could be awesome, would help them know you better, and would give them something meaningful and nice to notice about you.
Also, it sounds like they are seriously lacking in fun experiences lately (if all they can talk about is the distant past). You'd be doing them a huge favor. You might also make a new friend. Seriously, it sounds like these people need someone to shake things up a little.
(Re: using drugs -- if you're prone to addiction, maybe this isn't the best idea for a coping strategy... maybe a really awesome massage that morning or afternoon instead?)
I do very much sympathize. I just finished a 2-day holiday with people who I don't really connect with; it can be so exhausting and stressful.
posted by amtho at 2:24 PM on December 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
Also, it sounds like they are seriously lacking in fun experiences lately (if all they can talk about is the distant past). You'd be doing them a huge favor. You might also make a new friend. Seriously, it sounds like these people need someone to shake things up a little.
(Re: using drugs -- if you're prone to addiction, maybe this isn't the best idea for a coping strategy... maybe a really awesome massage that morning or afternoon instead?)
I do very much sympathize. I just finished a 2-day holiday with people who I don't really connect with; it can be so exhausting and stressful.
posted by amtho at 2:24 PM on December 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
if he's indifferent to the challenges you're facing as an outsider more generally. Talk to him, definitely.
And, regarding this - fish-in-water syndrome is hard for people to overcome, especially when they're are unwilling. May not happen soon.
For a time, I lived in my ex's country, with him - he didn't want to understand some of the issues around cultural difference. I got an apology for lack of sensitivity around this via email a couple of years after we broke up, after he'd moved to another country and experienced for himself what it was like to be "new". (And just for that, which was like #6 and least important on my list of grievances. I suppose he'd have to actually date himself to get the other stuff.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 2:28 PM on December 14, 2015
And, regarding this - fish-in-water syndrome is hard for people to overcome, especially when they're are unwilling. May not happen soon.
For a time, I lived in my ex's country, with him - he didn't want to understand some of the issues around cultural difference. I got an apology for lack of sensitivity around this via email a couple of years after we broke up, after he'd moved to another country and experienced for himself what it was like to be "new". (And just for that, which was like #6 and least important on my list of grievances. I suppose he'd have to actually date himself to get the other stuff.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 2:28 PM on December 14, 2015
Response by poster: To clarify further for some posters, we are in our mid-20s. They're no longer in college and haven't been for years. I'm doing a graduate course.
Also, I want to make it clear that he isn't emotionally blackmailing me into going. He's not as petty as my update makes him sound. That's my fault in wording. He wouldn't say it in a malicious way. I'd say "we didn't go to New Year's Eve with them" would be on par with a jokey "I went to your three hour dance recital". He wouldn't use it to coerce me into doing anything else in the future, but I know that it would make him happy if I made the effort.
posted by quadrant seasons at 2:29 PM on December 14, 2015
Also, I want to make it clear that he isn't emotionally blackmailing me into going. He's not as petty as my update makes him sound. That's my fault in wording. He wouldn't say it in a malicious way. I'd say "we didn't go to New Year's Eve with them" would be on par with a jokey "I went to your three hour dance recital". He wouldn't use it to coerce me into doing anything else in the future, but I know that it would make him happy if I made the effort.
posted by quadrant seasons at 2:29 PM on December 14, 2015
Best answer: Yeah and it would make you happy if he made the effort to actually include you.
You deserve to be happy.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 2:31 PM on December 14, 2015 [14 favorites]
You deserve to be happy.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 2:31 PM on December 14, 2015 [14 favorites]
Best answer: I did this for twelve years. Twelve years of, in my case inlaws and friends, leaving me out, leaving me to child wrangle, being passive aggressive, being hurtful, all of this stuff. And the only thing that has stopped it is me not going. And reminding my partner, every time he asks me to yet another extended visit, another dinner where I'm pointedly served things I don't eat, another weekend where I'm babysitting while he plays games, that those things are unfun and dick moves. Sure it makes him happy, but we never seem to actually do the same things for me because I think of his enjoyment. I would never ever make him, or expect him, or even really ask him to do something like this for me, yet he (and his family and friends) consistently do this to me.
So I opted out. I only go to the things I would like to go to, and I don't have nearly so much anxiety about it. Last year I was sobbing in August about Christmas. I was sick with it, I was afraid I was going to end up divorcing my husband, the father of my child, because I just couldn't handle another christmas. So I'm out. And the stress has gone. But the key was realising that he was not, and does not, consider my enjoyment the same way I do his so it is all up to me. I no longer prioritise* making him happy in situations where he is apparently okay with making me miserable. That's just too imbalanced.
*no, it isn't healthy for a relationship and I don't know what to do about that, but at least I'm not actively full of hate and misery.
posted by geek anachronism at 2:42 PM on December 14, 2015 [31 favorites]
So I opted out. I only go to the things I would like to go to, and I don't have nearly so much anxiety about it. Last year I was sobbing in August about Christmas. I was sick with it, I was afraid I was going to end up divorcing my husband, the father of my child, because I just couldn't handle another christmas. So I'm out. And the stress has gone. But the key was realising that he was not, and does not, consider my enjoyment the same way I do his so it is all up to me. I no longer prioritise* making him happy in situations where he is apparently okay with making me miserable. That's just too imbalanced.
*no, it isn't healthy for a relationship and I don't know what to do about that, but at least I'm not actively full of hate and misery.
posted by geek anachronism at 2:42 PM on December 14, 2015 [31 favorites]
He wouldn't use it to coerce me into doing anything else in the future, but I know that it would make him happy if I made the effort.
Okay, fine, but you are in tears at the thought of this event. If he's cool with your not going -- not his preference, but he's not going to torture you about it -- then why not just . . . not go? Stay home and watch Netflix. With your latest update, I'm not seeing why this is such a difficult decision.
posted by merejane at 3:18 PM on December 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
Okay, fine, but you are in tears at the thought of this event. If he's cool with your not going -- not his preference, but he's not going to torture you about it -- then why not just . . . not go? Stay home and watch Netflix. With your latest update, I'm not seeing why this is such a difficult decision.
posted by merejane at 3:18 PM on December 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Having a specific sober activity for NYE can be really important, but so can having a supportive partner who cares about how you're doing and doesn't expect you to make yourself miserable, especially for a social event, especially where he could be more conscious about actively including you.
Go if you're worried that you'll drink otherwise. Either way, consider whether the relationship is worth continuing as it honestly sounds like he doesn't care if you're lonely or excluded so long as he gets what he wants. Don't waste your life on someone who sees a relationship as a zero-sum game.
posted by bile and syntax at 3:45 PM on December 14, 2015
Go if you're worried that you'll drink otherwise. Either way, consider whether the relationship is worth continuing as it honestly sounds like he doesn't care if you're lonely or excluded so long as he gets what he wants. Don't waste your life on someone who sees a relationship as a zero-sum game.
posted by bile and syntax at 3:45 PM on December 14, 2015
Make up an excuse, and ditch.
Owe your partner an equivalent favour (which is entirely legitimate relationship horse-trading imo, you're asking them to tell a white lie about why you're not there, so you owe them a similar moderate level consideration).
posted by Sebmojo at 3:53 PM on December 14, 2015
Owe your partner an equivalent favour (which is entirely legitimate relationship horse-trading imo, you're asking them to tell a white lie about why you're not there, so you owe them a similar moderate level consideration).
posted by Sebmojo at 3:53 PM on December 14, 2015
Best answer: I'm going to go out on a limb here and theorise about why this makes you so upset, to the point of tears. As others have pointed out, being bored for 4-6 hours is being bored - it doesn't generally make you feel that upset in anticipation, even if you don't look forward to it. I think the key is that you are in a different country and you feel left out. You feel excluded in a pointed way, like you don't belong, like you can never belong. This hurts so deeply. Meanwhile, your partner, the reason for you being in this situation, the person who is meant to help you feel like you belong with him - he isn't doing that. Being alone in a crowd of people is a miserable experience, especially if there is a place where you long to be, or people whom you wish you could see.
I've been there, done that, quite literally. Even after 22 years living in another country, I still have times where I feel like I don't belong. I'm no longer with the partner I moved here to be with and I have formed a lot of my own friendships and even so I still feel like this sometimes. I am not saying your partner has no responsibility here because he totally does. But part of this is under your control, too - part of it is down to how you choose to deal with your feelings.
It's really easy to get locked into resentment and self-defense. To nope out by getting wasted, playing on your phone, being rude. That's not going to work forever though, particularly if you stay in this country and with this partner. Ultimately you will need to open yourself to the pain of separation from your home. If you want this place to become your home, you'll need to open yourself up enough to let it become that way. These may not be your new best friends and they don't have to be. Sounds like you have a start on having made your own friends. Next year, do what you can to make sure there are more of your people around, either by you and your partner doing separate things or bringing one of your friends along so at least you have someone else there for you and aren't quite so isolated.
For this year, I will offer you a strategy that has worked for me in situations where I feel socially awkward: bring a packet of origami paper and fold simple origami forms as little presents for people. If conversation is awkward, it gives you something to do with your hands and something to focus on apart from the conversation. Then you can give the finished products to people as little presents. I like origami lotuses (you can even use paper napkins for this) but cranes or coasters or lilies are fun too.
Agreed though that your partner really needs to step up on this one. But taking you at your word that you have to go, I hope that helps some. Good luck. You can do it.
posted by Athanassiel at 4:05 PM on December 14, 2015 [11 favorites]
I've been there, done that, quite literally. Even after 22 years living in another country, I still have times where I feel like I don't belong. I'm no longer with the partner I moved here to be with and I have formed a lot of my own friendships and even so I still feel like this sometimes. I am not saying your partner has no responsibility here because he totally does. But part of this is under your control, too - part of it is down to how you choose to deal with your feelings.
It's really easy to get locked into resentment and self-defense. To nope out by getting wasted, playing on your phone, being rude. That's not going to work forever though, particularly if you stay in this country and with this partner. Ultimately you will need to open yourself to the pain of separation from your home. If you want this place to become your home, you'll need to open yourself up enough to let it become that way. These may not be your new best friends and they don't have to be. Sounds like you have a start on having made your own friends. Next year, do what you can to make sure there are more of your people around, either by you and your partner doing separate things or bringing one of your friends along so at least you have someone else there for you and aren't quite so isolated.
For this year, I will offer you a strategy that has worked for me in situations where I feel socially awkward: bring a packet of origami paper and fold simple origami forms as little presents for people. If conversation is awkward, it gives you something to do with your hands and something to focus on apart from the conversation. Then you can give the finished products to people as little presents. I like origami lotuses (you can even use paper napkins for this) but cranes or coasters or lilies are fun too.
Agreed though that your partner really needs to step up on this one. But taking you at your word that you have to go, I hope that helps some. Good luck. You can do it.
posted by Athanassiel at 4:05 PM on December 14, 2015 [11 favorites]
Response by poster: There are so many best answers here, but I'd like to single out Athanassiel's comment because it articulates something I've felt but struggled to explain. Thank you.
posted by quadrant seasons at 5:05 PM on December 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by quadrant seasons at 5:05 PM on December 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: make a spreadsheet on your phone in advance all the things they say and note every single reference during the evening
pretend that you are watching a live action Wes Anderson movie
imagine what actually happened instead of their version of it
pretend it's a time travel thing
pretend it's a musical and write the stories as songs in your head
choreograph it
try to figure out which one is an alien from Betelguese
set your musical in space or the Victorian era or underwater
decide what kind of animal each of them are and make it a puppet musical
figure out which one of them is a vampire
think about how you'd escape if you discovered one of them was actually a vampire, using your knowledge of their boring tales
fake yourself out by being incredibly interested in the fine details of the stories, the clothes and the weather and the peripheral characters and ask twelve million questions until they realize how dumb it is to tell the same stories over and over again or you can pretend to be Proust and write the account of the stories in your head
decide which of them you'd shove out the airlock if you had to travel to space with them or throw to the zombies in an apocalypse
posted by winna at 5:13 PM on December 14, 2015 [5 favorites]
pretend that you are watching a live action Wes Anderson movie
imagine what actually happened instead of their version of it
pretend it's a time travel thing
pretend it's a musical and write the stories as songs in your head
choreograph it
try to figure out which one is an alien from Betelguese
set your musical in space or the Victorian era or underwater
decide what kind of animal each of them are and make it a puppet musical
figure out which one of them is a vampire
think about how you'd escape if you discovered one of them was actually a vampire, using your knowledge of their boring tales
fake yourself out by being incredibly interested in the fine details of the stories, the clothes and the weather and the peripheral characters and ask twelve million questions until they realize how dumb it is to tell the same stories over and over again or you can pretend to be Proust and write the account of the stories in your head
decide which of them you'd shove out the airlock if you had to travel to space with them or throw to the zombies in an apocalypse
posted by winna at 5:13 PM on December 14, 2015 [5 favorites]
I definitely recommend finding something to do with your hands. Do you knit or crochet? Can you learn over Christmas? Having something to do with my hands that also uses my brain can really take the edge off uninteresting and frustrating situations. Also means that I don't feel like I've completely wasted those hours.
Also, finding someone that cares about you to keep up a text conversation with you can help to make you feel wanted. Obviously, don't write anything you wouldn't want read over your shoulder, and don't text continuously.
posted by kjs4 at 5:51 PM on December 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
Also, finding someone that cares about you to keep up a text conversation with you can help to make you feel wanted. Obviously, don't write anything you wouldn't want read over your shoulder, and don't text continuously.
posted by kjs4 at 5:51 PM on December 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I do have an observation about this particular group of friends. If they're rehashing the exact same 5 stories and have no other things to discuss, it may be that they have moved on in most ways, EXCEPT that they haven't quiet faded away.
They're all clinging to each other because they haven't formed any other bonds with any other people, so all they have is each other. They're all a bit socially awkward (otherwise they'd have other folks to be with and to bring into the mix,) and they haven't connected with anyone but each other. It's a social crutch.
In a way, you represent a threat in that your Partner has managed to go out and find someone with which to share experiences that don't hinge on that time that they all went to Disneyland together. They may be pointedly ignoring and excluding you out of fear that you'll change the dynamic which they have become accustomed to.
Do any of them have partners? Are they invited to this gabfest?
If this continues on, see if you can invite each person singly, with their partner (I'm still laying odds there aren't any partners,) on couples dinners. Perhaps disrupting the dynamic might help things.
Otherwise, you're Yoko, and that is a hard row to hoe.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:10 PM on December 14, 2015 [4 favorites]
They're all clinging to each other because they haven't formed any other bonds with any other people, so all they have is each other. They're all a bit socially awkward (otherwise they'd have other folks to be with and to bring into the mix,) and they haven't connected with anyone but each other. It's a social crutch.
In a way, you represent a threat in that your Partner has managed to go out and find someone with which to share experiences that don't hinge on that time that they all went to Disneyland together. They may be pointedly ignoring and excluding you out of fear that you'll change the dynamic which they have become accustomed to.
Do any of them have partners? Are they invited to this gabfest?
If this continues on, see if you can invite each person singly, with their partner (I'm still laying odds there aren't any partners,) on couples dinners. Perhaps disrupting the dynamic might help things.
Otherwise, you're Yoko, and that is a hard row to hoe.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:10 PM on December 14, 2015 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: I think there may be some partners around but I'm not yet sure how many. The partners I've met have also been around long enough/are similar enough culturally (think white suburban Brits vs. 1st-generation Hyphenated-American) to mesh well with the group. Nonetheless, they do help a bit.
posted by quadrant seasons at 6:20 PM on December 14, 2015
posted by quadrant seasons at 6:20 PM on December 14, 2015
Best answer: Well, I can figure out from your update why you're considering breaking up with him over this specific issue. I think it sounds like he's being kind of a heartless jerk about it. Basically "suck it up for me," apparently. If you're not ready to break up with him over this behavior and these people, well.... Which is worse to you: being home alone and sober on NYE (which I have done many times and in all honesty, it does kinda suck unless you can super distract yourself), or being with these people for the sake of your relationship? Whichever one's worse is going to direct your choices here.
Can you bring your own vehicle or take public transport on your own to go home after a few hours? Is that an option? Can you fake an "emergency" at home and leave early?
Otherwise, I straight up say that if they are ignoring you, ignore them back at the table. Read your phone, read a book, learn a yarn craft, but occupy yourself if nobody is ever going to talk to you, and fuck "being rude" because they're doing the same. I find that stuff to be lifesavers around my relatives.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:24 PM on December 14, 2015
Can you bring your own vehicle or take public transport on your own to go home after a few hours? Is that an option? Can you fake an "emergency" at home and leave early?
Otherwise, I straight up say that if they are ignoring you, ignore them back at the table. Read your phone, read a book, learn a yarn craft, but occupy yourself if nobody is ever going to talk to you, and fuck "being rude" because they're doing the same. I find that stuff to be lifesavers around my relatives.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:24 PM on December 14, 2015
On the one hand, I really don't feel you should have to go if you're bored out of your mind.
On the other, why can't you do what everybody else does nowadays? Get out the old cell phone, and sit there and text, play a game, read an ebook, etc., etc. It drives me wild to go out to dinner and people are on their phone--and these are MY friends, that we agreed to get together with each other, and WHY??
If you actually want to pretend you're taking an interest, use your phone to take photos, then use the edit function to jazz them up and text them to everyone. That way everyone is on their phones. Way to interrupt a story!
posted by BlueHorse at 7:41 PM on December 14, 2015
On the other, why can't you do what everybody else does nowadays? Get out the old cell phone, and sit there and text, play a game, read an ebook, etc., etc. It drives me wild to go out to dinner and people are on their phone--and these are MY friends, that we agreed to get together with each other, and WHY??
If you actually want to pretend you're taking an interest, use your phone to take photos, then use the edit function to jazz them up and text them to everyone. That way everyone is on their phones. Way to interrupt a story!
posted by BlueHorse at 7:41 PM on December 14, 2015
Best answer: Going to take a different tack on this. It's late, but to provide specific advice as to how to survive this, I have a few tips:*
- Designate yourself as the photographer. But to do it in such a way that you are more included, make sure you're taking some selfies with certain members of the group. Even get them to act out one of their trite five funny stories with you in some silly way so it's embedded for future events. Or, download a silly app in advance that lets you add filters or stickers or something to pictures that is fun in a group setting to play with.
- Fake it til you make it. yes, it does take time to get integrated, and there's a good tip above about picking key individuals out of the herd to bond with. Come prepared with funny stories that relate to the 5 in some way, so you can expand the conversation in a direction you're comfortable with. Your boyfriend needs to help you with this, and give you the space in the conversation for those opportunities. Since he finds them so funny and knows them so well, it should be easy for him to be the bridge.
- Be open to learning more about them as people, outside of their strong bond. Favorite bands, travels, crazy odd jobs, worst NYEs. There's stuff online (incl AskMe) on breaking stale conversations. Who knows, you might find one of the to be charming.
And, if you're one who likes character-building challenges, consider this a social game, not a solo marathon (per the metaphor above). I'd strongly suggest not retreating into your shell and playing mental games with yourself - that will just add to resentment. You win the social game by getting at least 1 person to talk to you, and you'll find that there's a lot of parallels with this and future new jobs/events where you have to get integrated with a group of cozy coworkers/strangers. Bonus prize if you can get someone to make future plans with you and your boyfriend. Trust me, this situation will happen a lot in your long life ahead of you, so it's good to develop the strategies to break down social walls sooner than later in life.
*Your boyfriend may still be a jerk, but if you give him this second chance to be more self-aware and supportive, you can still use the opportunity to shine and enjoy this event after all! Good luck!
posted by hampanda at 8:30 PM on December 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
- Designate yourself as the photographer. But to do it in such a way that you are more included, make sure you're taking some selfies with certain members of the group. Even get them to act out one of their trite five funny stories with you in some silly way so it's embedded for future events. Or, download a silly app in advance that lets you add filters or stickers or something to pictures that is fun in a group setting to play with.
- Fake it til you make it. yes, it does take time to get integrated, and there's a good tip above about picking key individuals out of the herd to bond with. Come prepared with funny stories that relate to the 5 in some way, so you can expand the conversation in a direction you're comfortable with. Your boyfriend needs to help you with this, and give you the space in the conversation for those opportunities. Since he finds them so funny and knows them so well, it should be easy for him to be the bridge.
- Be open to learning more about them as people, outside of their strong bond. Favorite bands, travels, crazy odd jobs, worst NYEs. There's stuff online (incl AskMe) on breaking stale conversations. Who knows, you might find one of the to be charming.
And, if you're one who likes character-building challenges, consider this a social game, not a solo marathon (per the metaphor above). I'd strongly suggest not retreating into your shell and playing mental games with yourself - that will just add to resentment. You win the social game by getting at least 1 person to talk to you, and you'll find that there's a lot of parallels with this and future new jobs/events where you have to get integrated with a group of cozy coworkers/strangers. Bonus prize if you can get someone to make future plans with you and your boyfriend. Trust me, this situation will happen a lot in your long life ahead of you, so it's good to develop the strategies to break down social walls sooner than later in life.
*Your boyfriend may still be a jerk, but if you give him this second chance to be more self-aware and supportive, you can still use the opportunity to shine and enjoy this event after all! Good luck!
posted by hampanda at 8:30 PM on December 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Wasn't going to post (too many awesome answers!) but just saw your last update and it made a bit more sense. If there are other SOs there, DEFINITELY talk with them, get to know them. The SOs are low hanging fruit, they are probably also feeling awkward and excluded, but may just be faking it better - Brits are good at that. They've heard these stories before too, and I'm sure they are equally bored and would LOVE the opportunity to talk about something else. Be the person who makes that happen. Make it your mission for the night to find out what you have in common with each of them (a dislike of cucumbers, a mortal fear of being buried alive, an inappropriate crush on Steve Buscemi - there is always something!). Divide and conquer.
Long time close friends can be like family. And family isn't going away any time soon. You can avoid a lot of family events, but you need to go to some of them. Sure, you should expect your partner to support you, and it's a bit crappy if he doesn't. But on the occasions when you do have to go (it sounds like this event is one of them), the other SOs are the ones who are going to make the night bearable.
Happy New Year!
posted by finding.perdita at 1:54 AM on December 15, 2015
Long time close friends can be like family. And family isn't going away any time soon. You can avoid a lot of family events, but you need to go to some of them. Sure, you should expect your partner to support you, and it's a bit crappy if he doesn't. But on the occasions when you do have to go (it sounds like this event is one of them), the other SOs are the ones who are going to make the night bearable.
Happy New Year!
posted by finding.perdita at 1:54 AM on December 15, 2015
t would mean a lot to my partner for me to attend with him.
Two things.
1) Tell your partner how excruciating it is for you. Tell him that you've seriously considered breaking up over it. That's how much you loathe going. He may have NO IDEA you don't like his friends. Don't tell him you don't like his friends, but tell him you REALLY don't want to attend and IT'S A PROBLEM.
2) You could make this his Christmas gift. "Bob, you really like to attend these dinners with your friends; it's really not my cup of tea. My Christmas gift to you this year is to sit there with a smile on my face for 3 hours. Merry Christmas."
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 4:06 AM on December 15, 2015
Two things.
1) Tell your partner how excruciating it is for you. Tell him that you've seriously considered breaking up over it. That's how much you loathe going. He may have NO IDEA you don't like his friends. Don't tell him you don't like his friends, but tell him you REALLY don't want to attend and IT'S A PROBLEM.
2) You could make this his Christmas gift. "Bob, you really like to attend these dinners with your friends; it's really not my cup of tea. My Christmas gift to you this year is to sit there with a smile on my face for 3 hours. Merry Christmas."
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 4:06 AM on December 15, 2015
He wouldn't say it in a malicious way. I'd say "we didn't go to New Year's Eve with them" would be on par with a jokey "I went to your three hour dance recital".
I still think it's point-scoring or else why mention it? He shouldn't be forcing himself to do things and neither should you. I don't believe that's what compromise is. It can involve minor discomfort but not sacrifice. Is this group perhaps making you aware of characteristics in your partner that you may not like? He sounds pretty arrogant, self involved and dismissive of you. Personally, I would ditch the group and the partner.
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 5:14 AM on December 15, 2015 [4 favorites]
I still think it's point-scoring or else why mention it? He shouldn't be forcing himself to do things and neither should you. I don't believe that's what compromise is. It can involve minor discomfort but not sacrifice. Is this group perhaps making you aware of characteristics in your partner that you may not like? He sounds pretty arrogant, self involved and dismissive of you. Personally, I would ditch the group and the partner.
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 5:14 AM on December 15, 2015 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you, everyone, for your wonderful answers. I'd like to update everyone as this blew up in a big way last night and we're hobbling towards a long-term solution.
First of all, I'd like to reiterate that I phrased it quite poorly when I said that he'd mention this in the future. He's really, reallly not point-scoring at all. He says he wouldn't mind if we don't go, but he is likely to get grief from other people if he doesn't go. He lives with some of these people. I don't live with them. If it makes his life easier for me to suck it up and go, I will do it. Second, me not going would be a perfectly valid decision except that this event is taking place in his hometown (where we're staying over the Christmas/NYE period) so if he goes and I don't go, I would be alone with his parents on NYE. Because of this particular situation, either we both go or we both don't go.
So onto the actual update:
Mr. QS and I talked about this last night. He told me that he hasn't noticed a problem, it's really not a big deal, and I'm the only person creating an obstacle for myself here. I tried to explain to him the feeling of frustration and alientation by using analogies ("How you would feel if we went to this thing and everyone spoke the same language but you and we made no effort to include you"). He picked holes in my analogies and told me that he'd probably handle it better which is especially rich considering I've lived in four countries in the last five years and he's never had to make friends with new people outside of work colleagues. He's never been the outsider. I know how to make friends with people I don't know because it's something that I've needed to do every year or two since I was 17. I'm not some over-sensitive defective who doesn't know how to win friends or influence people. I've spent months in therapy this year trying to figure out what is wrong with me and why I can't gel with these people, but I know now that I'm not the problem. So it seems like my only options are to exist as an entity completely divorced from his main social circle or to try and make myself fit into this thing that I just don't fit into.
I explained to him that this is a situation in which no one really is maliciously wrong. It's not his fault he has a tight-knit group of friends. It's not they're fault they're nostalgic as all hell. It's not my fault I think that's dull. This is an issue of a fundamental incompatibility. It's a difficult situation because on an us-level, our personalities are deeply compatible. However, on a communal/mid-level, it doesn't seem like I'm equally combatible with the other, important parts of his life. I could skip NYE but the issue would remain. Until the key issue of him making an effort to include me is addressed, I'll continue to be frustrated by this situation. It's one thing if these events were with work colleagues who I could avoid without any meaningful loss in social interactions, but I'm not cool with having to accept just being completely separate from his social sphere. That's not the relationship I want.
We came to the conclusion that he needs to make an active effort to redirect conversations. He has to step up and actually intervene when I'm being excluded. I used feckless fecal fear mongering's dialogue and Mr. QS agreed to it, though he gave some pushback because he said he didn't like being threatened.
I want us to work but I refuse to shoulder the brunt of the emotional labour, as I have done for the last year. It gets better or it ends, because we both deserve to be happy and if this carries on past this year, we need to consider how sustainable it is for us to remain in a relationship where he knows I am grinning-and-bearing for the sake of making things easy. As some posters have picked up on, I'm young (24) and probably a little bit stupid. But I'm not young and stupid enough to not know when to let go.
Thanks, all.
posted by quadrant seasons at 6:58 AM on December 15, 2015 [25 favorites]
First of all, I'd like to reiterate that I phrased it quite poorly when I said that he'd mention this in the future. He's really, reallly not point-scoring at all. He says he wouldn't mind if we don't go, but he is likely to get grief from other people if he doesn't go. He lives with some of these people. I don't live with them. If it makes his life easier for me to suck it up and go, I will do it. Second, me not going would be a perfectly valid decision except that this event is taking place in his hometown (where we're staying over the Christmas/NYE period) so if he goes and I don't go, I would be alone with his parents on NYE. Because of this particular situation, either we both go or we both don't go.
So onto the actual update:
Mr. QS and I talked about this last night. He told me that he hasn't noticed a problem, it's really not a big deal, and I'm the only person creating an obstacle for myself here. I tried to explain to him the feeling of frustration and alientation by using analogies ("How you would feel if we went to this thing and everyone spoke the same language but you and we made no effort to include you"). He picked holes in my analogies and told me that he'd probably handle it better which is especially rich considering I've lived in four countries in the last five years and he's never had to make friends with new people outside of work colleagues. He's never been the outsider. I know how to make friends with people I don't know because it's something that I've needed to do every year or two since I was 17. I'm not some over-sensitive defective who doesn't know how to win friends or influence people. I've spent months in therapy this year trying to figure out what is wrong with me and why I can't gel with these people, but I know now that I'm not the problem. So it seems like my only options are to exist as an entity completely divorced from his main social circle or to try and make myself fit into this thing that I just don't fit into.
I explained to him that this is a situation in which no one really is maliciously wrong. It's not his fault he has a tight-knit group of friends. It's not they're fault they're nostalgic as all hell. It's not my fault I think that's dull. This is an issue of a fundamental incompatibility. It's a difficult situation because on an us-level, our personalities are deeply compatible. However, on a communal/mid-level, it doesn't seem like I'm equally combatible with the other, important parts of his life. I could skip NYE but the issue would remain. Until the key issue of him making an effort to include me is addressed, I'll continue to be frustrated by this situation. It's one thing if these events were with work colleagues who I could avoid without any meaningful loss in social interactions, but I'm not cool with having to accept just being completely separate from his social sphere. That's not the relationship I want.
We came to the conclusion that he needs to make an active effort to redirect conversations. He has to step up and actually intervene when I'm being excluded. I used feckless fecal fear mongering's dialogue and Mr. QS agreed to it, though he gave some pushback because he said he didn't like being threatened.
I want us to work but I refuse to shoulder the brunt of the emotional labour, as I have done for the last year. It gets better or it ends, because we both deserve to be happy and if this carries on past this year, we need to consider how sustainable it is for us to remain in a relationship where he knows I am grinning-and-bearing for the sake of making things easy. As some posters have picked up on, I'm young (24) and probably a little bit stupid. But I'm not young and stupid enough to not know when to let go.
Thanks, all.
posted by quadrant seasons at 6:58 AM on December 15, 2015 [25 favorites]
It's one thing if these events were with work colleagues who I could avoid without any meaningful loss in social interactions, but I'm not cool with having to accept just being completely separate from his social sphere. That's not the relationship I want.
If you want to make this work, it might be worth seeing if you could start hanging out with his friends one-on-one - either just you and one of them, or just you and him and one of them.
posted by showbiz_liz at 7:59 AM on December 15, 2015
If you want to make this work, it might be worth seeing if you could start hanging out with his friends one-on-one - either just you and one of them, or just you and him and one of them.
posted by showbiz_liz at 7:59 AM on December 15, 2015
Response by poster: Last thing I wanted to add is that I was being needlessly dismissive when I said that "we're not dicks". These guys can be really wonderful individually and I want to give credit where credit is due.
On preview, on the rare occassions when I've interacted with people one-on-one, the difference has been astounding in how much less stressful it is.
posted by quadrant seasons at 8:02 AM on December 15, 2015 [2 favorites]
On preview, on the rare occassions when I've interacted with people one-on-one, the difference has been astounding in how much less stressful it is.
posted by quadrant seasons at 8:02 AM on December 15, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: It might be worth trying to ramp up the one-on-one interactions: the more familiarity and memories they have with you, the easier it will be to knock the nostalgia train on to a more interesting track (or at least a more recent track that you can ride along on). Sometimes you'll just have to let it run without you, but ideally not for hours at a time.
The fact that he gave you push back because "he doesn't like being threatened" stood out to me, though. Telling him what you need (help integrating) and how you will cope if he can't meet that need (removing yourself from a stressful situation without making a huge scene) isn't threatening. Especially in light of how he was preceded by him dismissing and minimizing your concerns. You were illustrating to him how stressed you are by telling him what you would do, which he seemed to need (rather than just taking you at your word that this stressed you out).
I understand that he may feel a bit defensive about his friendships, and it sounds like he eventually listened to you, but I'd keep an eye on how often his primary response to your concerns is to deflect, dismiss and/or minimize vs listen and work together towards a solution.
posted by ghost phoneme at 8:50 AM on December 15, 2015 [7 favorites]
The fact that he gave you push back because "he doesn't like being threatened" stood out to me, though. Telling him what you need (help integrating) and how you will cope if he can't meet that need (removing yourself from a stressful situation without making a huge scene) isn't threatening. Especially in light of how he was preceded by him dismissing and minimizing your concerns. You were illustrating to him how stressed you are by telling him what you would do, which he seemed to need (rather than just taking you at your word that this stressed you out).
I understand that he may feel a bit defensive about his friendships, and it sounds like he eventually listened to you, but I'd keep an eye on how often his primary response to your concerns is to deflect, dismiss and/or minimize vs listen and work together towards a solution.
posted by ghost phoneme at 8:50 AM on December 15, 2015 [7 favorites]
Best answer: He picked holes in my analogies and told me that he'd probably handle it better
So he's switched to a different kind of horseshit? Like, seriously, when your partner is saying "this makes me feel really awful and here, in detail, are the reasons why" the appropriate response is not "I would deal with this better than you." Partly because it's an assbag thing to say, and partly because unless you have actually been in a similar situation, you have no idea whether you'd handle it better.
An appropriate thing to say is "Okay. Here's is how I would handle this situation. Would that work for you?"
An even more appropriate thing to say is "I didn't realize how bad this was making you feel. How can I help you feel better about this?"
You're young, yes. You're not stupid. You really like a guy and you're overlooking some seriously jerky behaviour because your heart (and, likely, gonads) are going "but but but what about the other stuff?"
Good for you, I mean really good for you, for putting your foot down. "I don't like feeling threatened," bah. You don't like feeling excluded, and this isn't the first time you've brought it up with him. Excellent job on stating that you won't shoulder all the emotional labour. I really don't think this relationship is going to last much longer--as ghost phoneme pointed out, everything you have said so far about his behaviour is to deflect and minimize when you say you are having a problem. That is a death knell for any relationship.
I mean, speaking as someone who can let guys walk all over me when they say they love me, don't do that. Ask--nay, demand--100% of your emotional needs to be met. You sound like a hell of a person and if he isn't willing to do the work necessary to keep you around, then the only person who loses is him, because you deserve that 100%.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:34 AM on December 15, 2015 [20 favorites]
So he's switched to a different kind of horseshit? Like, seriously, when your partner is saying "this makes me feel really awful and here, in detail, are the reasons why" the appropriate response is not "I would deal with this better than you." Partly because it's an assbag thing to say, and partly because unless you have actually been in a similar situation, you have no idea whether you'd handle it better.
An appropriate thing to say is "Okay. Here's is how I would handle this situation. Would that work for you?"
An even more appropriate thing to say is "I didn't realize how bad this was making you feel. How can I help you feel better about this?"
You're young, yes. You're not stupid. You really like a guy and you're overlooking some seriously jerky behaviour because your heart (and, likely, gonads) are going "but but but what about the other stuff?"
Good for you, I mean really good for you, for putting your foot down. "I don't like feeling threatened," bah. You don't like feeling excluded, and this isn't the first time you've brought it up with him. Excellent job on stating that you won't shoulder all the emotional labour. I really don't think this relationship is going to last much longer--as ghost phoneme pointed out, everything you have said so far about his behaviour is to deflect and minimize when you say you are having a problem. That is a death knell for any relationship.
I mean, speaking as someone who can let guys walk all over me when they say they love me, don't do that. Ask--nay, demand--100% of your emotional needs to be met. You sound like a hell of a person and if he isn't willing to do the work necessary to keep you around, then the only person who loses is him, because you deserve that 100%.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:34 AM on December 15, 2015 [20 favorites]
I'm really, really glad you're not living with him, it will make it MUCH easier for you when you decide to move on. I think you're mostly there, but just looking for strategies that will get you through the holiday season.
His continuing to diminish your experience with these folks, and his outright hostility about it is concerning. I'm pretty sure that you're onto this, and as I said, it's mostly about getting through December and figuring out what you want for yourself in the new year.
You are 100% right to ask for mutual respect in your own relationship and I wish you well on your journey!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:54 PM on December 15, 2015 [4 favorites]
His continuing to diminish your experience with these folks, and his outright hostility about it is concerning. I'm pretty sure that you're onto this, and as I said, it's mostly about getting through December and figuring out what you want for yourself in the new year.
You are 100% right to ask for mutual respect in your own relationship and I wish you well on your journey!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:54 PM on December 15, 2015 [4 favorites]
Well done! You managed that whole discussion really really well, far more articulate and self aware than I ever was at your age. I wouldn't worry about long term solutions with his guy, I don't think he's capable of handling or interested in making you happy. I think you're way, way out of his league. We know, he knows it and it won't take long before you realise it too. You're too switched on and you deserve way better but while you're still with him, don't let him push you around. Eventually you'll meet someone who wouldn't dream of dismissing your feelings and doesn't attempt to manipulate you and you'll wonder why you stayed so long.
posted by Jubey at 9:07 PM on December 15, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 9:07 PM on December 15, 2015 [5 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 10:49 AM on December 14, 2015 [20 favorites]