Curiouser and curiouser
December 3, 2014 2:52 PM Subscribe
I would like to be more curious about my fellow human beings. Curious people, how do you approach conversations with people you don't know?
Normally when people try and strike up conversations with me (on public transport or whatever), I think "please just leave me alone". But a couple of times recently I've been in situations where I couldn't discourage them/walk away, and have ended up finding out that they have really interesting stories. I'd like to get a better mindset about how I approach conversations like this. I genuinely believe that anyone can be interesting if you can get them to talk about their passion - but I don't feel it in the moment that I encounter somebody new.
I do know that some people love to talk to everyone and always find interesting things to gab about. If you're one of those people - how do you do it? What do you think when you are meeting a new person? How do you get them to open up and get to the interesting stuff quickly? Is it something you had to consciously develop or were you just, y'know, born that way?
What it's not: a fear of looking ignorant (for my job I have to speak to a lot of experts so I am very comfortable asking questions about something I don't know about); general closed-mindedness (I love having new experiences and learning new things).
What it might be: I am a bit uncomfortable asking personal questions, because I am a very private person and I sometimes get a bit taken aback by people who ask me a lot of questions about myself when I don't know them very well. I guess I am afraid of causing offence if I come over as too intrusive.
Normally when people try and strike up conversations with me (on public transport or whatever), I think "please just leave me alone". But a couple of times recently I've been in situations where I couldn't discourage them/walk away, and have ended up finding out that they have really interesting stories. I'd like to get a better mindset about how I approach conversations like this. I genuinely believe that anyone can be interesting if you can get them to talk about their passion - but I don't feel it in the moment that I encounter somebody new.
I do know that some people love to talk to everyone and always find interesting things to gab about. If you're one of those people - how do you do it? What do you think when you are meeting a new person? How do you get them to open up and get to the interesting stuff quickly? Is it something you had to consciously develop or were you just, y'know, born that way?
What it's not: a fear of looking ignorant (for my job I have to speak to a lot of experts so I am very comfortable asking questions about something I don't know about); general closed-mindedness (I love having new experiences and learning new things).
What it might be: I am a bit uncomfortable asking personal questions, because I am a very private person and I sometimes get a bit taken aback by people who ask me a lot of questions about myself when I don't know them very well. I guess I am afraid of causing offence if I come over as too intrusive.
My curiosity about people varies depending on the circumstance (I hate talking on public transportation) but I think one way of approaching these kinds of conversations that's a little different from "what's your passion?" --which you happen to already be good at -- is to assume that everybody is an expert on something, and that your goal in the conversation is to first figure out what that is, and then learn as much as you can about what they have to teach you. This is one of my favorite askmefi questions ever, because I think it really brings to light the insane varieties of things that people know. For me, asking "What is your day to day work like, really?" has lead to a lot of really good conversations in real life. "What was that like?" "How did you get there?" are two easy follow up questions that usually elicit a lot of responses, without getting too personal about it.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 3:10 PM on December 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by pretentious illiterate at 3:10 PM on December 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
Agreed with Etrigan. For follow-up questions, I have a hack/crutch that I tend to use if I can't think of a good question: I ask the person what their favorite [part of/instance of thing they know a lot about] is. So like: "Oh, so you're a historian. What's your favorite period of history?" It tends to work because it is kind of a dumb question, but sort of charming in its simpleness and naivety (I hope). People are usually sort of surprised by it, but they usually also have some kind of answer, because you're asking them for an opinion about something they know a lot about. Plus you can formulate the question even if you know absolutely nothing about the subject.
A similar kind of works-even-if-you-know-nothing question is "What is something that most people don't realize about [subject they know a lot about]?" If you are asking about their knowledge or opinion about something, that's a little less personal than asking about biographical information, so also helps it seem less intrusive. Notice things like their body language and the length of their answers to help reassure yourself that your questions aren't unwelcome. If someone is giving you very short answers and seems unengaged, it might be that they would rather YOU talk. But most of the time people are happy to talk about themselves or something they know a lot about.
posted by aka burlap at 3:22 PM on December 3, 2014
A similar kind of works-even-if-you-know-nothing question is "What is something that most people don't realize about [subject they know a lot about]?" If you are asking about their knowledge or opinion about something, that's a little less personal than asking about biographical information, so also helps it seem less intrusive. Notice things like their body language and the length of their answers to help reassure yourself that your questions aren't unwelcome. If someone is giving you very short answers and seems unengaged, it might be that they would rather YOU talk. But most of the time people are happy to talk about themselves or something they know a lot about.
posted by aka burlap at 3:22 PM on December 3, 2014
Best answer: I am a non-stop talker and I love to find commonalities with people. So I may just natter at folks. I ask about something cool in your grocery cart, I'll talk to your baby, I'll smile at everyone.
I once struck up a conversation with the only other person on the MARTA coming home from the airport and discovered that I was talking to a Plant Manager at GM. Gave him an earful about the relaunch of the doomed Pontiac GTO.
Why AREN'T you interested in how other humans view this nutty thing we call life? Everyone has a story to tell.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:56 PM on December 3, 2014 [3 favorites]
I once struck up a conversation with the only other person on the MARTA coming home from the airport and discovered that I was talking to a Plant Manager at GM. Gave him an earful about the relaunch of the doomed Pontiac GTO.
Why AREN'T you interested in how other humans view this nutty thing we call life? Everyone has a story to tell.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:56 PM on December 3, 2014 [3 favorites]
Nice question.
Have not read the other responses yet, but here is how I do it (my two cents on what has worked really well for me):
1. Ask a sincere question based on some small nugget they throw out. Try to keep your ears open for something that stands out. I have found that people always mention some small thing which can end up leading to a very interesting conversation.
2. Listen. Avoid the urge to look around or allow yourself to get distracted. You don't need to be intensely staring at the person, but remember that you are talking to them and everything/everyone else is in the periphery for those minutes.
3. Try not to feel like you need to find a commonality in your experience. You don't have to have had a similar thought or experience to hear what they are saying. That is the beauty of talking to someone else. Listen without trying to relate it to your own experience. If you cannot relate, this is the opportunity to ask good, sincere questions that could lead to something even more interesting.
4. Good conversation does not require both sides to contribute equally. Sometimes, listening and asking questions can be just as fun as offering your own thoughts.
I agree that everyone has something to teach you, but some people take an unreasonably long time to do it, and its ok to cut the cord on some conversations even though there might be a gem in there 2.5 hours into the discussion. This is something I've learned to do more recently, just because I am getting more impatient as I get older. I recognize, each time, though, that I may be missing out on something wonderful. Tradeoffs.
Hope that's helpful. Have fun!!
posted by grassbottles at 5:17 PM on December 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
Have not read the other responses yet, but here is how I do it (my two cents on what has worked really well for me):
1. Ask a sincere question based on some small nugget they throw out. Try to keep your ears open for something that stands out. I have found that people always mention some small thing which can end up leading to a very interesting conversation.
2. Listen. Avoid the urge to look around or allow yourself to get distracted. You don't need to be intensely staring at the person, but remember that you are talking to them and everything/everyone else is in the periphery for those minutes.
3. Try not to feel like you need to find a commonality in your experience. You don't have to have had a similar thought or experience to hear what they are saying. That is the beauty of talking to someone else. Listen without trying to relate it to your own experience. If you cannot relate, this is the opportunity to ask good, sincere questions that could lead to something even more interesting.
4. Good conversation does not require both sides to contribute equally. Sometimes, listening and asking questions can be just as fun as offering your own thoughts.
I agree that everyone has something to teach you, but some people take an unreasonably long time to do it, and its ok to cut the cord on some conversations even though there might be a gem in there 2.5 hours into the discussion. This is something I've learned to do more recently, just because I am getting more impatient as I get older. I recognize, each time, though, that I may be missing out on something wonderful. Tradeoffs.
Hope that's helpful. Have fun!!
posted by grassbottles at 5:17 PM on December 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
I strike up conversations with strangers all the time. I really enjoy it. Usually.
Some people tell me with their body language that they don't want to talk. I try to respect that by shutting up. Some people really aren't all that interesting. People don't exist to entertain you. Most people have something interesting to say and a few people are so interesting that it makes the whole endeavor worthwhile. Ask good questions (without prying) and listen. Small talk can lead to big talk. Share interesting stories of your own. People who are completely different from you can be much more interesting than those who are similar to you, if you let them tell their stories.
It's kind of like fishing. Sitting in a boat watching your bobber may be dull, but it becomes more bearable once you've caught a few good fish. It becomes more bearable still once you've become more skillful at catching fish. Then you come to a point where both watching the bobber and catching the fish are equally enjoyable.
It beats staring at your phone like a misanthrope.
posted by double block and bleed at 5:39 PM on December 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
Some people tell me with their body language that they don't want to talk. I try to respect that by shutting up. Some people really aren't all that interesting. People don't exist to entertain you. Most people have something interesting to say and a few people are so interesting that it makes the whole endeavor worthwhile. Ask good questions (without prying) and listen. Small talk can lead to big talk. Share interesting stories of your own. People who are completely different from you can be much more interesting than those who are similar to you, if you let them tell their stories.
It's kind of like fishing. Sitting in a boat watching your bobber may be dull, but it becomes more bearable once you've caught a few good fish. It becomes more bearable still once you've become more skillful at catching fish. Then you come to a point where both watching the bobber and catching the fish are equally enjoyable.
It beats staring at your phone like a misanthrope.
posted by double block and bleed at 5:39 PM on December 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I saw this the other day, and I think it gives some nice specific examples on how to make a conversation more engaging.
I think a big part of getting stories out of people is not being afraid of ("awkward") silences and being willing to wait an extra five seconds instead of necessarily jumping right in with your own anecdote or thoughts. People oftentimes do want to talk; everyone loves talking about themselves! Waiting that extra few seconds will give them a nonverbal signal you really are willing to listen and want to hear more.
posted by gemutlichkeit at 6:12 PM on December 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
I think a big part of getting stories out of people is not being afraid of ("awkward") silences and being willing to wait an extra five seconds instead of necessarily jumping right in with your own anecdote or thoughts. People oftentimes do want to talk; everyone loves talking about themselves! Waiting that extra few seconds will give them a nonverbal signal you really are willing to listen and want to hear more.
posted by gemutlichkeit at 6:12 PM on December 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm interested in the jobs people do and what they actually DO in those jobs. When I encounter someone with a job where I understand the basic goal of the job but now how one would do it, I say "So if I were to watch you at work, what would I actually see you doing? Like you come in, you get a cup of coffee/tea and you check your email and then....?" Then ask follow-up questions from there.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 7:51 PM on December 3, 2014
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 7:51 PM on December 3, 2014
Try to see the world through their eyes.
It appears like humanity shares some common experience, but the person-to-person perception of the world can be totally different. (The deeper I get to know my partner, the more I see this!)
So be curious about how the world appears to them. Try to understand the whys of their actions or decisions.
And if you feel uncomfortable around chit-chat: sometimes this is because a person has subconsciously internalized the belief "people will hurt me." Instead internalize the belief "most people are friends I haven't met yet." If you're into meditation/visualization, just imagine nice things for other ppl and see how it reflects in your experience.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:30 PM on December 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
It appears like humanity shares some common experience, but the person-to-person perception of the world can be totally different. (The deeper I get to know my partner, the more I see this!)
So be curious about how the world appears to them. Try to understand the whys of their actions or decisions.
And if you feel uncomfortable around chit-chat: sometimes this is because a person has subconsciously internalized the belief "people will hurt me." Instead internalize the belief "most people are friends I haven't met yet." If you're into meditation/visualization, just imagine nice things for other ppl and see how it reflects in your experience.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:30 PM on December 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
Etrigan's and Grassbottles' first point. Every sentence someone says will have parts you expect to hear and little improbable differences or details you weren't expecting. Listen for those, they are the new information you are being given, and can ask follow-up questions about.
To compensate for the impression of an unknown stranger cross examining someone, offer small reflections about yourself as you ask, especially anything they say that you have in common. But don't go on and on about it. Most people prefer to tell you about themselves than listen to you :)
posted by ead at 7:05 AM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
To compensate for the impression of an unknown stranger cross examining someone, offer small reflections about yourself as you ask, especially anything they say that you have in common. But don't go on and on about it. Most people prefer to tell you about themselves than listen to you :)
posted by ead at 7:05 AM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Some wonderful and concrete advice here. All of it is useful but I think my new mantra will be ruthlessbunny's - why the hell AREN'T I interested!?
Thank you all!
posted by ontheradio at 11:40 AM on December 4, 2014
Thank you all!
posted by ontheradio at 11:40 AM on December 4, 2014
Best answer: FWIW, I’ve gotten pretty good at getting people to open up. In my opinion, a lot of people self-censor because they don’t think their answers will be interesting. Being aware of your nonverbal communication (nodding, smiling, etc.) is crucial: act open and interested. Don’t interrupt. Give people a few seconds to process and continue their thoughts. As gemutlichkeit said, be "willing to wait an extra five seconds." But I often find that other people hate silence so much, they're go deeper with their stories just to avoid silence.
Another reason people clam up is out of fear of being judged. In addition to offer "small reflections about yourself as you ask,” I occasionally volunteer embarrassing or silly stories about myself. It’s really amazing how at ease that can make people feel once you've established yourself as non-judgmental.
"How did you become interested in your field/decide to become an X/discover your random passion?" (Everyone has a story about how they got into their job.) Even if it’s something like ‘I took bookkeeping because my parents made me,’ possible follow-ups:
“That must be so satisfying to have a job with objective conclusions.” (Getting them to reveal what’s enjoyable about it.)
“Wow, are you organized in other areas of your life?” (How it might overlap with their personality.)
“Did you enjoy [related hobby/math] as a kid?” (Looking at their childhood for signs of their adulthood.)
“I bet you have some great coworkers.” (People love talking about other people, especially coworkers.)
“What do you wish more people knew about that?"
“What superpower have you picked up because of your work?”
posted by blazingunicorn at 8:03 PM on December 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
Another reason people clam up is out of fear of being judged. In addition to offer "small reflections about yourself as you ask,” I occasionally volunteer embarrassing or silly stories about myself. It’s really amazing how at ease that can make people feel once you've established yourself as non-judgmental.
"How did you become interested in your field/decide to become an X/discover your random passion?" (Everyone has a story about how they got into their job.) Even if it’s something like ‘I took bookkeeping because my parents made me,’ possible follow-ups:
“That must be so satisfying to have a job with objective conclusions.” (Getting them to reveal what’s enjoyable about it.)
“Wow, are you organized in other areas of your life?” (How it might overlap with their personality.)
“Did you enjoy [related hobby/math] as a kid?” (Looking at their childhood for signs of their adulthood.)
“I bet you have some great coworkers.” (People love talking about other people, especially coworkers.)
“What do you wish more people knew about that?"
“What superpower have you picked up because of your work?”
posted by blazingunicorn at 8:03 PM on December 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
"What do you do for fun?"
"I collect antique video game systems."
"Really. What's the oldest one you have?"
The person you're talking to now knows that you are actually listening to them and believes that you are genuinely interested in ther hobby. You probably won't have to keep asking follow-ups, but that first impression goes a long way toward lubricating the conversation.
posted by Etrigan at 3:03 PM on December 3, 2014