Should I uninvited this person to my wedding?
November 29, 2015 5:10 AM Subscribe
My parents are throwing (and paying for) my husband and I to have religious/cultural wedding (bc they want to - we are already married). About 45% of the invitees are from my parents side, 40% from his parents side, and 15% our friends. I invited several people from college who I'm still very close with. My parents are friendly with another parents of someone in my college group who is a total mess - and invited them (and the kid, who is a mess) to the wedding. Can I uninvite the kid?
For extra context, we paid for and organized our own small wedding ceremony with immediate family this summer and have also gotten legally married. This wedding was important for them for religious/cultural reasons so we agreed to do it, if they did most of the work. It's been very dramatic just in that they ask us to have a lot of opinions about stuff we really couldn't care about -- and they have a really hard time moving forward on anything. We couldn't get them to confirm a venue until 6 weeks before, they returned the wedding dress I bought and made me buy a new one, etc.
The person in question is absolutely wild at parties, doesn't understand boundaries, etc. For a lot of reasons, my college group moved away from being her friend and now I haven't seen her in several years. It is plausible she's more mature than that now but none of us know.
I would really like to not have to worry about this person being at the wedding and doing weird stuff and would also like my college friends to have a good time without feeling like they have to babysit her or be annoyed because they have to hang with her.
Because my parents are paying for most of the wedding, I'm completely fine with letting them make all the decisions. But I told them several times NOT to invite the kid if they want to invite her parents.
The wedding is happening in two weeks and my parents just sent e-vites out (no written invites, though I think they called everyone a while ago to save the date. We sent out written invites a while ago to his side and our friends). The invite language says "Please confirm your presence, including number of guests, by date." It's the type of cultural wedding where unmarried children are considered part of the family unit by default.
Can/should I uninvited her? And, if so, what language should I use? I have no hard feelings about her but just don't want to have to worry about her the whole day.
For extra context, we paid for and organized our own small wedding ceremony with immediate family this summer and have also gotten legally married. This wedding was important for them for religious/cultural reasons so we agreed to do it, if they did most of the work. It's been very dramatic just in that they ask us to have a lot of opinions about stuff we really couldn't care about -- and they have a really hard time moving forward on anything. We couldn't get them to confirm a venue until 6 weeks before, they returned the wedding dress I bought and made me buy a new one, etc.
The person in question is absolutely wild at parties, doesn't understand boundaries, etc. For a lot of reasons, my college group moved away from being her friend and now I haven't seen her in several years. It is plausible she's more mature than that now but none of us know.
I would really like to not have to worry about this person being at the wedding and doing weird stuff and would also like my college friends to have a good time without feeling like they have to babysit her or be annoyed because they have to hang with her.
Because my parents are paying for most of the wedding, I'm completely fine with letting them make all the decisions. But I told them several times NOT to invite the kid if they want to invite her parents.
The wedding is happening in two weeks and my parents just sent e-vites out (no written invites, though I think they called everyone a while ago to save the date. We sent out written invites a while ago to his side and our friends). The invite language says "Please confirm your presence, including number of guests, by date." It's the type of cultural wedding where unmarried children are considered part of the family unit by default.
Can/should I uninvited her? And, if so, what language should I use? I have no hard feelings about her but just don't want to have to worry about her the whole day.
Hey it's "your parents" party, clue them in, do anything reasonable to mitigate but uninviting is tricky. Have you been to a party where she attended with her parents? Might be a non-issue, folks behave different in different social environments.
posted by sammyo at 5:18 AM on November 29, 2015
posted by sammyo at 5:18 AM on November 29, 2015
Examples of "being wild at parties and not understanding boundaries" in college? Because that sounds like behavior on the spectrum of normal in college. She will be there with her parents, I would imagine that would keep her in check, no? At any rate, no - you cannot uninvite her. If she does something unacceptable, have an employee of the venue ask her to leave.
posted by amro at 5:20 AM on November 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by amro at 5:20 AM on November 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Let's boil this down:
My parents are throwing (and paying for) my husband and I to have religious/cultural wedding
My parents are friendly with another parents of someone in my college group who is a total mess - and invited them (and the kid, who is a mess) to the wedding.
It's the type of cultural wedding where unmarried children are considered part of the family unit by default.
This would lead me to say "No", you can't uninvite the kid; although I hesitate to call anyone of college age a kid or a child. They are old enough to be responsible for their own behavior and suffer the consequences. I assume your parents knew what they were getting into when they opened this Pandora's box, and now everyone's going to have to hold their breath and hope for the best.
Focus on being happy, focus on those that love you and are there for you, and maybe ask one of your good friends to keep an eye on this person and give your parents or someone else a heads up if things start to go sideways for whatever reason.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 5:21 AM on November 29, 2015 [10 favorites]
My parents are throwing (and paying for) my husband and I to have religious/cultural wedding
My parents are friendly with another parents of someone in my college group who is a total mess - and invited them (and the kid, who is a mess) to the wedding.
It's the type of cultural wedding where unmarried children are considered part of the family unit by default.
This would lead me to say "No", you can't uninvite the kid; although I hesitate to call anyone of college age a kid or a child. They are old enough to be responsible for their own behavior and suffer the consequences. I assume your parents knew what they were getting into when they opened this Pandora's box, and now everyone's going to have to hold their breath and hope for the best.
Focus on being happy, focus on those that love you and are there for you, and maybe ask one of your good friends to keep an eye on this person and give your parents or someone else a heads up if things start to go sideways for whatever reason.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 5:21 AM on November 29, 2015 [10 favorites]
I don't think there's a way to put the genie back in the bottle without insulting her, making your parents look bad and possibly causing friction for them with their friends. You warned them, they chose to take this risk. If she annoys your college friends, well that sucks, but clearly this shindig isn't being put on for their benefit. Kellyblah's right, though, someone's behaviour at a college party isn't necessarily a guide to how they'll be a formal wedding with their folks present.
posted by Diablevert at 5:23 AM on November 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Diablevert at 5:23 AM on November 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
Yep, you can totally do this, no question.
But there will probably be consequences. Are you ready and willing to deal with that, in a situation you're not responsible for managing?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:29 AM on November 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
But there will probably be consequences. Are you ready and willing to deal with that, in a situation you're not responsible for managing?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:29 AM on November 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
would also like my college friends to have a good time without feeling like they have to babysit her or be annoyed because they have to hang with her.
Your college friend group are all adults so they can manage their relationship and dealings with this person as they see fit including interacting with or ignoring them on this occasion. If they let this person's presence ruin the occasion for them that's on them not you.
posted by koahiatamadl at 5:38 AM on November 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
Your college friend group are all adults so they can manage their relationship and dealings with this person as they see fit including interacting with or ignoring them on this occasion. If they let this person's presence ruin the occasion for them that's on them not you.
posted by koahiatamadl at 5:38 AM on November 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
If it was my wedding and she got unruly I'd sent my parents over to her parents to get them to manage her. Your college friends don't need to take responsibility for looking after her. Having said that though, i think she'll be fine given all the circumstances.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 5:52 AM on November 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 5:52 AM on November 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Okay, thanks everyone! I will not try to uninvite her and hope that she's mellower now and will be moderated by her parents. Nice to hear a group consensus on this subject so I feel good setting it to rest.
posted by neematoad at 5:56 AM on November 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by neematoad at 5:56 AM on November 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
Is there someone on the invite list who you can designate to keep an eye on her? This takes the onus of dealing with someone who may be out of control off of you and your parents who should be enjoying the celebration and gives it to someone who doesn't have as many social duties for the day. I know that I have a few friends who would have my back on something like this. You could phrase it as "the best wedding present you could give us is to keep an eye on [total mess]."
I'll also agree with people who say that "several years" could easily be enough for someone who was wild at parties to become less wild at parties. If the friend's issues are linked to alcohol, perhaps you could alert the bartender to this person and then the bartender could be on the look out. Bartenders are good at this - they don't want to deal with out of control either.
posted by sciencegeek at 6:24 AM on November 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
I'll also agree with people who say that "several years" could easily be enough for someone who was wild at parties to become less wild at parties. If the friend's issues are linked to alcohol, perhaps you could alert the bartender to this person and then the bartender could be on the look out. Bartenders are good at this - they don't want to deal with out of control either.
posted by sciencegeek at 6:24 AM on November 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
Please don't ask another guest to "keep an eye on her." That's unfair to the guest. Don't uninvite her, either. If she acts like a jerk, that's on her. Let your parents, who are the hosts and who invited her, worry about their guests.
posted by Dolley at 6:43 AM on November 29, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by Dolley at 6:43 AM on November 29, 2015 [8 favorites]
Best answer: You're already married so really this is just a party with some extra stuff thrown in, so who cares if she behaves badly or not. Have a great time. Enjoy yourself. Don't worry about this other person.
posted by The Monkey at 5:18 PM on November 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by The Monkey at 5:18 PM on November 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by kellyblah at 5:17 AM on November 29, 2015 [6 favorites]