How to take initial steps to break away from vebal abuse
November 15, 2015 12:46 AM Subscribe
I have been with this woman for a year and a half. I have already posted a couple entries in metafilter that pertains to her. She's always been the blunt type who talks without a filter and has gotten angry/yelled at me and/or her family for minuscule reasons. I will cite a couple of examples that probably reflects verbal abuse in most people's eyes, and the sad part is that I may have gotten used to this behavior without putting up a resistance. I will admit that she could've been a lawyer, and she has a way of making me feel that it is entirely my fault for all the things that have gone wrong.
(1) We went to an ice cream store earlier, and the two of us got ice cream cones. She asked to try my ice cream cone, and she gave me hers to try out. I took a bite of the butter flavored waffle cone, and it cracked a little bit on the side. I told her about it, and she got angry at me. Her sister asked what was wrong, and my girlfriend said that I ruined her ice cream cone. Her sister asked why, and my girlfriend replied "because he's stupid." I offered to buy another cone, and she declined with the indignant reply "No, I didn't want to you **** it up in the first place". More follow up comments took place in the car like "I shouldn't have given the cone to you in the fist place" and "I didn't learn from my mistakes". Being called "stupid" instantaneously brought up bad memories back from middle school. As an immigrant who was adjusting to American life and spoke with a thick accent, some kids in class thought I was retarded and/or stupid. It took me years to get over the bitterness that I held towards my former classmates for the name calling. Some of those unpleasant memories would come back from time to time when my girlfriend calls me "stupid". The one person outside my immediate family who is supposed to be a pillar of emotional support can be insidious over small stuff. (2) We were leaving Target the other day, and I opened the passenger door for her. As I was closing the door, her right leg got caught in the way and I apologized. She made a comment that I've done that to her leg on multiple occasions when closing the car door for her. Now, my memory unfortunately isn't the greatest, and she has this uncanny ability to remember details from a few months prior. However, I don't EVER remember closing the door on her leg multiple times, as such a thing would've led to multiple fights that would last at least couple hours each. Sometimes, I wonder if she just makes crap up on the fly and/or manipulates the truth in order to make it seem that I'm the one "responsible." I tried to seriously break up with her at the beginning of the year, and I won't even go into details about that fiasco. She has her great points such as pursuing a second master's degree, paying attention to fine details, having pride in her work, caring for animals, and so-forth. At the same token, she has this unrealistic expectations of wanting things done her way ALL the time. If I call her out on some of her b.s., an argument would most likely drag out for hours. I have observed that her mom would not put up a great resistance for the sake of avoiding a long drawn out battle. I'm not sure if I see myself in a long-term relationship in dealing with this type of behavior. I used some of my EAP sessions at my old job to see a therapist a couple times about this matter, and a 45 minute session didn't really seem enough to address the majority of my concerns. I also ordered a book off Amazon about verbal abuse, and I can't wait to read it. Any feedback or suggestions would be greatly appreciated regarding the matter.
(1) We went to an ice cream store earlier, and the two of us got ice cream cones. She asked to try my ice cream cone, and she gave me hers to try out. I took a bite of the butter flavored waffle cone, and it cracked a little bit on the side. I told her about it, and she got angry at me. Her sister asked what was wrong, and my girlfriend said that I ruined her ice cream cone. Her sister asked why, and my girlfriend replied "because he's stupid." I offered to buy another cone, and she declined with the indignant reply "No, I didn't want to you **** it up in the first place". More follow up comments took place in the car like "I shouldn't have given the cone to you in the fist place" and "I didn't learn from my mistakes". Being called "stupid" instantaneously brought up bad memories back from middle school. As an immigrant who was adjusting to American life and spoke with a thick accent, some kids in class thought I was retarded and/or stupid. It took me years to get over the bitterness that I held towards my former classmates for the name calling. Some of those unpleasant memories would come back from time to time when my girlfriend calls me "stupid". The one person outside my immediate family who is supposed to be a pillar of emotional support can be insidious over small stuff. (2) We were leaving Target the other day, and I opened the passenger door for her. As I was closing the door, her right leg got caught in the way and I apologized. She made a comment that I've done that to her leg on multiple occasions when closing the car door for her. Now, my memory unfortunately isn't the greatest, and she has this uncanny ability to remember details from a few months prior. However, I don't EVER remember closing the door on her leg multiple times, as such a thing would've led to multiple fights that would last at least couple hours each. Sometimes, I wonder if she just makes crap up on the fly and/or manipulates the truth in order to make it seem that I'm the one "responsible." I tried to seriously break up with her at the beginning of the year, and I won't even go into details about that fiasco. She has her great points such as pursuing a second master's degree, paying attention to fine details, having pride in her work, caring for animals, and so-forth. At the same token, she has this unrealistic expectations of wanting things done her way ALL the time. If I call her out on some of her b.s., an argument would most likely drag out for hours. I have observed that her mom would not put up a great resistance for the sake of avoiding a long drawn out battle. I'm not sure if I see myself in a long-term relationship in dealing with this type of behavior. I used some of my EAP sessions at my old job to see a therapist a couple times about this matter, and a 45 minute session didn't really seem enough to address the majority of my concerns. I also ordered a book off Amazon about verbal abuse, and I can't wait to read it. Any feedback or suggestions would be greatly appreciated regarding the matter.
This post was deleted for the following reason: Hey, tnar23, sorry, but it's not really clear what specific advice you are looking for. Please contact us if you'd like to discuss. -- taz
So is your question if you should break up with her, or how to break up with her?
If your question is if you should break up with her: yes, I think you should. When you make small mistakes that don't really hurt her, she calls you stupid. This is horrible and mean. Even when pushed, she keeps going. If this happened once ever, well, it might be attributed to bad day or bad mood. But it sounds like this is consistent behavior. You deserve better than this.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:00 AM on November 15, 2015
If your question is if you should break up with her: yes, I think you should. When you make small mistakes that don't really hurt her, she calls you stupid. This is horrible and mean. Even when pushed, she keeps going. If this happened once ever, well, it might be attributed to bad day or bad mood. But it sounds like this is consistent behavior. You deserve better than this.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:00 AM on November 15, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 12:55 AM on November 15, 2015