Help My Trans Friends Be Safe At My Show

October 7, 2015 1:35 PM

I've invited my trans friend to see my band play a party, but I am having anxiety about helping her be safe. What's should I do to make my party a safer space for her?

My band is throwing a Halloween party in our loft. It's gonna be a great time and I'm pumped for it.

A few weeks ago, an online acquaintance -- let's call her Z -- moved to town. She's a trans woman. I've had dinner and game nights with her and her partner, to help get her established socially.

I invited them to our party without giving it a thought, but when they responded yes I was suddenly anxious about her safety. Our show will be a big room with 50-100 people in it, most of whom are friends-of-the-band that I don't know. We won't have bouncers or security -- many in the band are pacifist anarchists and we don't have the budget or the contacts to hire any anyway. There will be booze and plenty of dope. On top of that, our loft is in a statistically more dangerous place in town, though it's not got the hate crime zone rep that the club district has.

In general I wouldn't worry about these things and my rational brain says that the possibilities of her getting bashed is super remote -- but I don't see the world through the eyes of a trans woman. I think it's more likely that someone cracks a Caitlyn Jenner joke or some other phobe bullshit that will turn her night to suck. My band + friends are generally of an older generation that didn't grow up with a lot of trans awareness. They're going to be told that my trans friends are in their audience and need to not just be cool about that, but actively welcoming.

I feel like her coming out to my thing is an act of trust and I want to make sure I deliver on that trust. I am thinking of posting a large NO *ISTS OR *PHOBES sign in the door. I'm also going to talk to Z and her partner pre-show to make sure that she knows that if someone treats them poorly, my wife or I or a trusted friend will take it seriously and deal with it. I'll check in with her during the party and stay sober so I can be a capable host. Can you suggest anything else I could do to help her feel safe and welcome?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (24 answers total)

Posting a sign would most likely make her feel conspicuous and awkward. Don't do that. Have you asked her what would help her feel safe?
posted by mermaidcafe at 1:46 PM on October 7, 2015 [22 favorites]

I'll post more when I'm not on my phone, but the short answer is ask your friend. She may be new to town, but she knows how people in general react to her, and what makes her personally feel safe or unsafe.
posted by nebulawindphone at 1:48 PM on October 7, 2015 [27 favorites]

The kind of neighborhood the show is playing in or who is getting invited has little ground on your friends' comfort zones.

Ask them before the what the most effective or appropriate behavior on your part is. Maybe it's a lot, maybe not so much.

Sounds like a rad show! Keep that positive vibe rolling.
posted by Giggilituffin at 1:54 PM on October 7, 2015

They're going to be told that my trans friends are in their audience

.....and are your trans friends okay with being outed??

I appreciate you're trying to do the right thing here but I get a weird vibe from this question. Please don't call attention to them unless they've specifically asked you to do so. Most likely they just want to be like any other people at the show. The most proactive thing I would do is to walk them to/from their cars since you said your neighborhood is rough.
posted by desjardins at 1:54 PM on October 7, 2015 [50 favorites]

She's (presumably, from what you say in your post) living and being in various places as a trans woman every day, so treating this one event as a big deal seems a bit odd, though I'm sure it's well-meaning. Nthing to ask her what she'd like, if anything.
posted by needs more cowbell at 2:03 PM on October 7, 2015 [8 favorites]

Agreeing that your intentions sound pure and noble and you're coming from a very good place. In one sense, though, even telling your friend that you're concerned about her safety is going to make her automatically feel unsafe when she maybe otherwise wouldn't have. If, when I came out (as gay, not trans, but in a more difficult and less accepting time), a friend preceded me into every party and did a security sweep just so I could enter and feel safe, it would have made me a nervous wreck. Posting signs warning people that An Other is among us -- also a bad idea.

I hope everyone is warm and welcoming to her. I hope she has a great time. But I don't think it's realistic for you to pre-police a group of 50-100 people. I mean, she's not going to be in physical danger, right? She's a big girl. Have some faith in her to be able to take care of herself if someone says something stupid.

I get that you are trying to be a very good friend, and that's awesome. But, don't create a problem where one has not heretofore existed, and keep your own anxiety out of it so that she can actually enjoy herself without her attendance being this fraught thing.
posted by mudpuppie at 2:17 PM on October 7, 2015 [3 favorites]

There are plenty trans people who simply want to inhabit their gender without it being a Topic Of Discussion. You need to discuss the plan with her. Your heart is in the right place, but I think bringing it up to a large crowd without her specific and enthusiastic consent is a mistake.
posted by 26.2 at 2:21 PM on October 7, 2015 [10 favorites]

What can you do to make her feel welcome that's not about being trans? And what will you do if a friend (or a friend of a friend does or says something problematic and you find out about it? What will you do if a friend/friend-friend does something intentionally shitty?

I surmise that if she (and her partner, I assume) want to come to a large warehouse party with dope and strangers, she's feeling like she can probably handle baseline things-likely-to-happen. Sadly, this may well mean "I am expecting the occasional microaggression and I'm just going to charge ahead and have a good time". Unfortunately, that's how a lot of my trans women friends who like to go out tend to have to feel.

But anyway - how can you make her feel welcome as her - your new friend in town? Can you introduce her specifically to any of your buddies you think would hit it off? (Not like "meet my friend - she's trans!" obviously.) Can you spend a little extra time with her during your hosting duties? Make extra sure she gets the drinks that her heart desires, knows where the back balcony is so she can smoke if she smokes, etc? How can you make her feel that you in particular want her to be there, so that even if someone is a jerk or kind of clueless, it's in the context of "here I am with my new friend who is really happy to see me, unlike this loser".

Also, be prepared if she says to you (or someone says to you) "this shitty thing happened just now" or if you hear from her later that something shitty was said. What will you do? How will you address this with the person who said the thing?

I wouldn't bring up "my trans friends" unless you're talking to a specific person about something they think or have said. "When you say that [dumb thing], you're talking about my trans friends, and you're making me not want to be your friend", that kind of thing.
posted by Frowner at 2:26 PM on October 7, 2015 [5 favorites]

I also would use my judgment about talking to her pre-party. Is that a kind of conversation you typically have with her? Has she expressed concern about going out to large events in the past? If you have concrete experience suggesting that this will be a kind of conversation she wants to have, then have it - IIRC I've had a conversation like that with someone pre-party once, and I made that decision because she'd expressed a lot of anxiety about what to do if someone was an asshole but she still wanted to go to the thing. But if you don't have specific experience suggesting that this is a good conversation to have, skip it.

I think it's tempting to believe that we can control all this stuff. In my experience, though, often it's the stuff that you totally didn't even think of which goes off the rails, if anything does - not something that you can manage away. I think that if you're a good friend and back her up if she needs it plus make sure that she's having fun/meeting people (like you would for any new person) you're probably going to be best off.
posted by Frowner at 2:30 PM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]

Definitely do NOT out people without their express permission. That is a far bigger faux pas than any offhand comment about Caitlyn Jenner would be.

My vote is "do nothing" and treat her exactly like the rest of your friends, unless and until she asks you otherwise. At most, let her know that if she needs anything or runs into any problems that you can fix that you would like to know.
posted by zug at 2:32 PM on October 7, 2015 [12 favorites]

It's not your job to babysit her.

You can ask her, but most likely she would want is to be treated like any other woman.
posted by pando11 at 2:40 PM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]

As the mother of a young adult trans woman, my guess is that your new friend will not appreciate all this concern and focus. My advice: do not treat her any differently from any other woman at your party.
posted by merejane at 3:16 PM on October 7, 2015 [14 favorites]

By the way, in my experience one of the primary reasons trans people move to different places is that no one knows they're trans in the new place and they can have a fresh start without constantly running into people they knew pre-transition. Please do not instantly poison this new potential circle of friends for her.
posted by desjardins at 3:45 PM on October 7, 2015 [8 favorites]

As someone who is trans, if your friend thought she might experience any problems that might make the party an unpleasant experience, she probably wouldn't have responded with a "yes" or otherwise would have brought up whatever concerns she had before responding (or perhaps will bring it up in the future). I feel that being trans forces you to be conscientious about a lot of things, and interacting with a party full of new people can be on that list (especially when you are first transitioning and not always getting read as the correct gender).

If my friend wanted to make sure I was "safe" at their party, I don't know how I would feel, but probably mixed- to bad feelings. Perhaps you are just trying to be a good host, but I think trying to make these sorts of "accommodations" could come off as patronizing. And definitely don't announce that there are people who are transgender at your party. Best case, the people who are just kind, decent people will wonder why you are telling them to be kind, decent people and those who are ignorant or intolerant will resent being told what to do on the subject. Worst case, those who are transphobic or intolerant or whatever (and also drunk and/or high) could be trying to suss out who is trans throughout the evening and that could be uncomfortable for everyone, at the very least. I mean, I sure hope it wouldn't come down to that, but you really never know with people, especially if your circle seems to never have met anyone who is transgender before.

My vote is to not do anything out of the ordinary. Trans people are just like everyone else and prefer to be treated just like anyone else. Like I mentioned above, if your friend has any concerns, she will let you know.
posted by sevenofspades at 4:07 PM on October 7, 2015 [13 favorites]

You say that your bandmates are pacifist anarchists and that many "are generally of an older generation that didn't grow up with a lot of trans awareness." I'm a baby boomer, so that's probably my generation or even younger. People my age might have grown up, as I did, not even knowing that trans people existed, but we've adjusted. At the least, we were aware of the issue in 1976, when Renee Richards, a trans woman, made headlines challenging the US Tennis Association's banning her from the US Open. Many of us, in fact, were in the forefront of all kinds of social change. If they're pacifist anarchists, they're probably plugged in to the world of acceptance. I doubt that their age is an issue at all.
posted by FencingGal at 4:25 PM on October 7, 2015 [3 favorites]

if your friend has any friends already in your friend group then maybe making sure at least a few of you all stick together and hang tight through the night would help. The worst times for me (trans woman) are when I go somewhere new and I don't know anyone and for whatever reason end up having to be social with strangers on my own. It's nice to have a friend or few nearby so I can go into "quiet nod nod smile" mode and let them handle some of the socializing when I feel like the biggest trans weirdo in the world (which is mostly imagined but it still wipes me out). It also helps minimize the amount of time I'm alone. When I am alone is when the jerks decide to say shitty things to me. HTH.
posted by Annika Cicada at 4:31 PM on October 7, 2015 [3 favorites]

I wrote an article about preventing and addressing harassment in live music spaces a while back. I hope some of the resources help you out.
posted by Juliet Banana at 5:26 PM on October 7, 2015 [7 favorites]

(That article julietbanana wrote is FANTASTIC)
posted by Annika Cicada at 5:31 PM on October 7, 2015

If you have a specific reason you are concerned ask her about it. If you just have generalized anxiety, don't burden her with it. Don't make her carry your fears. Don't make her reassure you.

This is incredibly good advice.

Also: a lot of people are telling you that there isn't much you can do to protect her pre-emptively, and that's really true. But there are some things you can do during the party itself.

1. Introduce her to people you like and trust. Not like "Z, this is K, she'll totally look out for you and you can go to her if anything bad happens" (because why catastrophize things?) but like "Z, this is K, she plays bass for my one friend's band."
2. Use her name and pronouns when you introduce her. Not like "This is Z, who uses she/her pronouns" but like "This is Z. She just moved here, and she's really into…" This is a great way of quietly clearing up gender confusion without making her transness a topic for conversation. It also sends the subtle signal to others that you expect them to use her correct name and pronouns too, and will have her back if they don't.
3. If someone says or does something fucked up in front of you, shut them down firmly with a minimum of drama. The goal isn't to win a high-profile fight, the goal is to make them stop being shitty to your friend without calling a bunch of attention to the situation.
4. If Z tells you after the fact that someone said or did something fucked up, believe her, listen to her, take her side, commiserate, and ask if she'd be okay with you telling that person not to do that again. She may prefer to leave it in the past now that it's over, rather than stir shit back up and risk a bigger confrontation, and that is her decision to make.
5. Accept that Z may not tell you if someone does something fucked up, or may tell you but not want to talk about it. That's her decision to make too. Follow her cues.
6. DO NOT DEFEND YOUR FRIENDS IF THEY FUCK UP. No "Oh, I'm sure Jay meant well." No "Yeah, Doug is kind of abrasive, that's just his thing, he's a great guy deep down." No "I bet it was just a misunderstanding, I want to hear their side of the story." No "When you call my friends transphobic I feel like you're judging me too."
7. If you're worried about the neighborhood, offer to walk her and her partner to their car. Take no for an answer if they say no.

posted by nebulawindphone at 6:09 PM on October 7, 2015 [19 favorites]

Yeah, to echo some of things people have said, I think the best and really the only helpful thing you can do is to make her feel included by talking to her, introducing her to friends, etc.

Yes, she's trans, but she's also new to town, and one of the biggest ways people can feel excluded is just not feeling like they're part of the social scene. In fact, the way that those feelings of social isolation intersect with people's past oppression and socialization is one of the major way scenes are exclusionary to POC, trans pppl, etc, and in this case is probably much more likely than people actually being transphobic.
posted by goodnight to the rock n roll era at 6:24 PM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]

Please listen to what FencingGal is saying. She's nicer than me.

Why are you assuming people are going to say and do horrible things to your friend because they're older than you? Are you including 'ageist' in that sign you're planning to make?

Everything is probably going to be fine. Don't preemptively lecture people or make a bunch of speeches.
posted by ernielundquist at 6:31 PM on October 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

Nebulawindphone's list is great.

If you wanted to set an expectation of inclusivity at the party, I would do it in very general terms -- for example, adding "this party is a safer space that is inclusive to all. treat each other with respect, folks!" to a Facebook event description. What you'd be doing there is just establishing this idea that, were somebody to come to the party and be openly transphobic, they'd be actively being a jerk in the eyes of all party-goers. This won't stop it necessarily from happening, though. Regardless, don't say anything more specific, and definitely no public pronouncements about Trans Folks Being In Our Midsts! please (that would stress me out oof.)

As a trans woman, my main issue with going to large gatherings is that I have to expend so much mental energy scanning the environment, evaluating body languages and expressions, monitoring aggressive men who happen to be in the room. In other words, I'm concerned not with receiving demonstrative shows of support as much as with the potential for sudden confrontation -- generally from men, and with the potential to become physical. It's exhausting, and sometimes I just don't go, and I make sure to take care of myself when I do. I think the most important things, when I'm with my cis friends, is just the awareness that they wouldn't stand for somebody being totally shitty to me, and that they'll always introduce me using my pronouns (and not explaining them or saying they are my preferred ones). If they're a close friend and we're one on one, they might listen to and affirm reactions and things I feel during the event. But that's the only situation where I would really ask that of others. And it's not in anybody's power to provide a bulletproof barrier between me and the world. That's bigger than what any one person can provide. I was sexually assaulted on a bus, and that fucking sucked, but I still have to use public transit most days. I was ridiculed by a police officer, but I still have to move about a world with authorities with guns. Confidence and femmeness are my own armor, as well as having my wits about me, and I think just respecting your friend's autonomy while being receptive and respectful if given the opportunity would be the best balance. (I'm not representative of all trans folks of course, but this might give you a sense of your friend's possible mindset)

Enjoy the party!!
posted by elephantsvanish at 12:27 AM on October 8, 2015 [3 favorites]

They're going to be told that my trans friends are in their audience and need to not just be cool about that, but actively welcoming.

Please just treat her like a person and not like some sort of special being that needs or wants this attention. Feel free to make a general announcement about this being a respectful and safe space, but calling on one person specifically not only does the opposite of what you intend, it is horribly rude IMO unless she has expressly given permission for it.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 7:57 AM on October 8, 2015

Just think about how to keep the party as a whole a safe and welcoming place for everyone, not just singling out this one person.

It sounds like the people hosting will be playing the show, so appoint some friends to be "assistant hosts" while you are occupied.
posted by yohko at 6:36 PM on October 9, 2015