Making BIG life decisions unhaphazardly

September 22, 2015 6:55 PM

How do you make prudent, life-altering decisions (specifically, on to stay or move) with your significant other when you have somewhat differing priorities? Can you describe or point us to a process that could provide you a sound, good-for-the-relationship-and-good-for-the-individual's decision? What has worked for you in making the decision? Maybe more importantly, how have you managed the anxiety around making the "right" decision?

My wife and I are deciding what are next life step is before we start a family in the next ~2 years. For context, but please don't focus on: We are deciding whether to stay put in our existing town of 3+ years (she 70% wants to stay, I am more 30%) or move to somewhere else.

We've listed our own pros and cons of competing options.The differ, but we are reasonable. One time, about 1 month ago, we made a decision based on the first logical pro/cons, but that still hasn't settled. Both of us go back and forth most times we talked and I go back and forth (in my mind) multiple times a day. It's make us a little unsettled and provides a little anxiety to me.

In the past life decisions have been less fraught with anxiousness, though they really haven't gone the way I expected, I've always turned out fine (and I can probably say the same for my wife). SO this definitely feels different-- I want to get it right-- (deep down, I know it probably doesn't matter)..

posted by sandmanwv to Human Relations (13 answers total)

One suggestion, which I think I first saw here on metafilter, is one you already touch on with your second sentence. That is, to think of "the relationship" as a third person in the discussion. This helps you come up with tie-breakers if there is something that your partner and you are at odds about. For example, would moving be good for 1. you 2. your wife, 3. the relationship? Make a pros and cons column for each of those three, not just for you and your wife.
posted by lollusc at 7:02 PM on September 22, 2015 [18 favorites]

Could the two of you spend a week in at least one of the places you'd like to move? Granted, life is different when you have the stress of jobs and other responsibilities but it might help you narrow things down a bit. Perhaps the place you'll move will be a vast improvement upon where you currently live but it might also be much worse (or about the same but with the hassle of moving.)

Since you mention having kids, I'd look into the resources available in both places, such as access and affordability of childcare, and how supportive your current workplaces are of parents with babies and young children. I personally find the idea of moving based on school districts to be a bit ridiculous but for some people it's really important. What's most important to both of you, right now and long term? Can you both agree to truly commit to one option (staying or moving) but also be open to reevaluating in, say, five years?
posted by smorgasbord at 7:21 PM on September 22, 2015

Best answer: One thing to keep in mind is that the more difficult a decision is, the less important it is what you actually decide. If it's a hard decision it's either because the pros and cons are pretty equally balanced or because the outcome is too hard to predict. In a case like that, either choice is equally likely to turn out to be the right one and there's really nothing you can do to increase your chances of making the best decision, so it's okay to just go ahead and make a choice - any choice - based on a coin flip or a whim or anything at all. That doesn't necessarily help you figure out which one of you should get what you want when you want different things (though I guess it does suggest a coin flip as one reasonable option), but maybe it can help you stop feeling so anxious about getting it wrong.
posted by Redstart at 7:44 PM on September 22, 2015 [36 favorites]

In addition to the pros and cons list (I like the suggestion of considering the relationship as a third member in this equation!), I recommend rating the relative importance of each pro/con.

Depending on your options and priorities, examples might look like:
Current place is more affordable = +5 staying
New place has better career prospects = +2 moving
Current place has mediocre or worse schools nearby = +7 moving at some point in the future
Moving is stressful and expensive = -6 moving

And so forth. I think once you can clearly see how your options map to your priorities and the related opportunity costs, it becomes easier to evaluate and discuss big decisions. And like with any big decision, you're better off giving yourself the time to carefully weigh the choices until you feel confident and good that you're making the best choice together for both of you and your future family and not rushing a decision that can have a large material impact on your mutual well being.
posted by Goblin Barbarian at 8:00 PM on September 22, 2015

Go with your gut.

We are animals. Few relationship decisions are made on the higher level. We do better when we acknowledge that this stuff is on the animal level.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:15 PM on September 22, 2015 [3 favorites]

If it's a hard decision it's either because the pros and cons are pretty equally balanced or because the outcome is too hard to predict.

Or it means that the two of you just straight up really want contradictory things, so it isn't about decision making so much as compromising your desires.
posted by the agents of KAOS at 8:29 PM on September 22, 2015 [4 favorites]

This woman has some interesting insights.

http://www.ted.com/talks/ruth_chang_how_to_make_hard_choices?language=en
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 10:36 PM on September 22, 2015

What I've found helps is to talk about it plenty, in.various circumstances: while at a desk listing pros and cons, but also while at the beach and while cooking and... Your lens will be different, and the conversation will be different. It builds toward a deeper understanding, more shared views, and greater alignment. The things that you think are important but your partner didn't agree on may grow on them over these conversations, and vice versa.
posted by salvia at 1:32 AM on September 23, 2015

for us, on stay/move it came down to the occupations we have. my partner has very limited options (astronomer) so if she gets a job offer from somewhere, we move. i am a software engineer, so can work anywhere.

as for the anxiety - i really am quite a worrier about small things. but when it comes to the big things, what can you do? i just kind of give up and roll with it.
posted by andrewcooke at 4:02 AM on September 23, 2015

Best answer: One time, about 1 month ago, we made a decision based on the first logical pro/cons, but that still hasn't settled.

You might already be incorporating them, but make sure you're both paying attention to your emotions about the choices, not just the logic. Emotions are important and give us a lot of information about the world around us, and giving them space in the discussion will likely improve your overall decision-making.
posted by jaguar at 5:38 AM on September 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Life is full of uncertainty, so you go with what you both feel will be the best choice for your family. It may backfire on you, but there's really no knowing that the other option would have been any better.

Once you've made the decision, take a moment to celebrate it. Go out to dinner. Talk over just the pros of the choice you've made - how exciting it is to move or how excited you are to raise kids in your current city.

Then drop it. Don't go back and rethink. The decision has been made and you are now in the process of putting it into motion. Making a commitment to yourself and your wife to avoid second guessing can help with the anxiety and might even make the decision making process more clear.
posted by galvanized unicorn at 7:11 AM on September 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

Building on Goblin's rating idea, remember that the emotional impact of the move would not be equal on the two of you.

Forcing a move on a person who likes their home and does not want to move has a strong, stressful impact. Deciding to stay in your present home, which you're already accustomed to, will have a lesser impact even though you kinda want to move.

The foregoing disregards any and all other issues surrounding the decision. I don't envy you. Good luck with everything.
posted by JimN2TAW at 2:09 PM on September 24, 2015

Daniel Kahneman's "Thinking, Fast and Slow" is the go-to book for you. It breaks down "how" to make tough decisions and describes how our normal thought processes and criteria are not always as solid as we think they might be. Excellent read.
posted by nickjadlowe at 9:17 PM on September 29, 2015 [1 favorite]