Finally pulled the plug on relationship, feeling confused.
August 24, 2015 11:32 AM
I finally pulled the plug on my relationship after I realized I had been unhappy for most of it. My boyfriend was surprisingly understanding and respectful about it. I have a flight in a week, but I find myself often wondering if I’ve done the right thing. I’m worried I might back out of leaving and I need help. Our history and wall of text inside.
This is long – sorry!
We are both 25 and we’ve been together for about 4 years, living together for 2. I had always felt anxious and uncertain about our relationship. I had doubts, I wasn't sure. I guess that is always normal when you start dating someone, but I still had happy moments with him at fist.
After about 1.5 years together we had to go into an LDR for about a year. He got an amazing job offer across the country that was night shift, and I still had college to finish up. It was fine at first, but soon he realized he developed a crush long time online female friend of his that he talked nightly with, who lived closer. He said that she admitted having past interest in him and would repeatedly invite him to visit, but he never went due to issues with money and time. After a couple of days considering his options and thinking about it, he tried to communicate with me about things. He admitted everything to me, including that he felt guilty because he seriously considered visiting this girl, which would have put him in a compromising position. He admitted he didn't know if he could "last" until our Christmas vacation together. He told me he was going to cut contact with her, but that he needed to talk to his friend to explain what was going on. He also told me I needed to be careful and to watch out if he suddenly stops talking to me after talking to her, I never understood this part but it caused me anxiety. I was left worried, and wondering if he was going to cheat on me, he didn't, but he never really clarified that he wouldn’t.
But, there was a lot of miscommunication. I had somehow managed to incorrectly understand that his friend was "tempting" him and they had entered a weird "grey" area of infidelity. Because he had not physically cheated, I decided to try to continue the relationship . . . but I also started to obsess about his fidelity. Constantly. I was anxious and depressed about it. Eventually I moved in with him, thinking it would help and time would heal my wounds, but no. I still was anxious, obsessed about his fidelity and moped around probably depressed. He didn't want to talk about the issue, and was adamant about just "burying the hatchet", I would get upset and he would tell me he didn’t know if he could “deal with it anymore” when I would get worried and need to talk . . . so I tried to say silent even though it was eating me up inside.
He also never completely cut contact with his friend, as I would learn, he decided since he learned she wasn't actually interested in him, he was going to be “distant” friends. I'd also learn that they were texting, and texting while he was at work, but this was benign texting. Still, none of this was ever communicated to me and I felt threatened, but he tried to reassure me that it was "okay" because if she made any “advancements” they would have to go through him. This didn't really reassure me, because in my mind due to poor communication, he had already failed at this. Eventually they had a falling out, but that did not soothe my anxieties.
Two years had passed, and I finally gained the nerve to talk to him about it and explain to him how betrayed and hurt I felt. Turns out, she never tempted him. She would plainly just invite him up, it was impossible to know if she meant anything more by it or not. This only added more confusion to the story I thought I knew and gave me misplaced emotions since I could no longer feel upset at him. I still obsessed about his past fidelity. I couldn't stop. I always worried something may have happened.
About 3 months ago I started therapy to try and deal with this to save our relationship. My boyfriend thought it was a waste of money, but I learned a lot about myself, that I was insecure and had developed trust issues. Therapy helped a little bit, but I’d still find myself obsessing and get frustrated over that I was obsessing. I started to realize that this wasn’t healthy, that I was unhappy, and I had been unhappy for most of the relationship. I realized I needed to work on myself.
I also realized I couldn’t become the person I wanted to out here with him. I couldn’t find a job and I couldn’t drive a car. He always promised he’d learn to drive and teach me**, but he never did, further adding to my difficulties. He walks to work so it doesn’t bother him. There is also the possibility that he has emotionally abusive tendencies and that we are very emotionally incompatibile.
I basically realized I couldn’t develop as a person here with him, I realized this relationship, due to my obsessing, was mentally unhealthy for me. It is also mentally unhealthy due to his possible emotional abusive tendencies. I realized I have a lot of work to do on myself.
But, here I am. Still confused, hurt and wondering if I did the right thing. I think this is hard because we still care about each other, we don’t hate each other. He was completely gentle and understanding about it, but rereading this makes me realize what a mess everything was.
Any advice, reassurance, perspective on the situation, or letting me know I messed up is appreciated.
** Being a disabled person, I didn’t realize I could learn to drive until my 20s. Needing adaptive equipment I unfortunately could not just drive any old car and most places that do teach how to drive don’t have the adaptive equipment.
This is long – sorry!
We are both 25 and we’ve been together for about 4 years, living together for 2. I had always felt anxious and uncertain about our relationship. I had doubts, I wasn't sure. I guess that is always normal when you start dating someone, but I still had happy moments with him at fist.
After about 1.5 years together we had to go into an LDR for about a year. He got an amazing job offer across the country that was night shift, and I still had college to finish up. It was fine at first, but soon he realized he developed a crush long time online female friend of his that he talked nightly with, who lived closer. He said that she admitted having past interest in him and would repeatedly invite him to visit, but he never went due to issues with money and time. After a couple of days considering his options and thinking about it, he tried to communicate with me about things. He admitted everything to me, including that he felt guilty because he seriously considered visiting this girl, which would have put him in a compromising position. He admitted he didn't know if he could "last" until our Christmas vacation together. He told me he was going to cut contact with her, but that he needed to talk to his friend to explain what was going on. He also told me I needed to be careful and to watch out if he suddenly stops talking to me after talking to her, I never understood this part but it caused me anxiety. I was left worried, and wondering if he was going to cheat on me, he didn't, but he never really clarified that he wouldn’t.
But, there was a lot of miscommunication. I had somehow managed to incorrectly understand that his friend was "tempting" him and they had entered a weird "grey" area of infidelity. Because he had not physically cheated, I decided to try to continue the relationship . . . but I also started to obsess about his fidelity. Constantly. I was anxious and depressed about it. Eventually I moved in with him, thinking it would help and time would heal my wounds, but no. I still was anxious, obsessed about his fidelity and moped around probably depressed. He didn't want to talk about the issue, and was adamant about just "burying the hatchet", I would get upset and he would tell me he didn’t know if he could “deal with it anymore” when I would get worried and need to talk . . . so I tried to say silent even though it was eating me up inside.
He also never completely cut contact with his friend, as I would learn, he decided since he learned she wasn't actually interested in him, he was going to be “distant” friends. I'd also learn that they were texting, and texting while he was at work, but this was benign texting. Still, none of this was ever communicated to me and I felt threatened, but he tried to reassure me that it was "okay" because if she made any “advancements” they would have to go through him. This didn't really reassure me, because in my mind due to poor communication, he had already failed at this. Eventually they had a falling out, but that did not soothe my anxieties.
Two years had passed, and I finally gained the nerve to talk to him about it and explain to him how betrayed and hurt I felt. Turns out, she never tempted him. She would plainly just invite him up, it was impossible to know if she meant anything more by it or not. This only added more confusion to the story I thought I knew and gave me misplaced emotions since I could no longer feel upset at him. I still obsessed about his past fidelity. I couldn't stop. I always worried something may have happened.
About 3 months ago I started therapy to try and deal with this to save our relationship. My boyfriend thought it was a waste of money, but I learned a lot about myself, that I was insecure and had developed trust issues. Therapy helped a little bit, but I’d still find myself obsessing and get frustrated over that I was obsessing. I started to realize that this wasn’t healthy, that I was unhappy, and I had been unhappy for most of the relationship. I realized I needed to work on myself.
I also realized I couldn’t become the person I wanted to out here with him. I couldn’t find a job and I couldn’t drive a car. He always promised he’d learn to drive and teach me**, but he never did, further adding to my difficulties. He walks to work so it doesn’t bother him. There is also the possibility that he has emotionally abusive tendencies and that we are very emotionally incompatibile.
I basically realized I couldn’t develop as a person here with him, I realized this relationship, due to my obsessing, was mentally unhealthy for me. It is also mentally unhealthy due to his possible emotional abusive tendencies. I realized I have a lot of work to do on myself.
But, here I am. Still confused, hurt and wondering if I did the right thing. I think this is hard because we still care about each other, we don’t hate each other. He was completely gentle and understanding about it, but rereading this makes me realize what a mess everything was.
Any advice, reassurance, perspective on the situation, or letting me know I messed up is appreciated.
** Being a disabled person, I didn’t realize I could learn to drive until my 20s. Needing adaptive equipment I unfortunately could not just drive any old car and most places that do teach how to drive don’t have the adaptive equipment.
Still confused, hurt and wondering if I did the right thing.
This is basically how things go if you care about the other person. You just removed a big part of your life : your daily movements, your connection and communion with another. We are (generally) wired to want that, our hearts and minds develop a dependency and everything cries out when we lose it.
Your mind knows you did the right thing, your heart is questioning everything. What you need is time and space — to feel all the feelings, to let them do their number on you, to feel the loss and to grieve that loss. And then: to (re)discover who you are outside of the relationship, to revel in the things you don't have to deal with or worry about, to imagine a relationship with someone you have no doubts about, who has no doubts about you.
It will happen, but it will take time. Let yourself go through the process.
posted by wemayfreeze at 11:55 AM on August 24, 2015
This is basically how things go if you care about the other person. You just removed a big part of your life : your daily movements, your connection and communion with another. We are (generally) wired to want that, our hearts and minds develop a dependency and everything cries out when we lose it.
Your mind knows you did the right thing, your heart is questioning everything. What you need is time and space — to feel all the feelings, to let them do their number on you, to feel the loss and to grieve that loss. And then: to (re)discover who you are outside of the relationship, to revel in the things you don't have to deal with or worry about, to imagine a relationship with someone you have no doubts about, who has no doubts about you.
It will happen, but it will take time. Let yourself go through the process.
posted by wemayfreeze at 11:55 AM on August 24, 2015
You 100% made the right decision. Sounds like a horrible relationship. The fact that you have to uproot your life again to end it makes it harder, but it's the right thing to do.
posted by lunasol at 11:58 AM on August 24, 2015
posted by lunasol at 11:58 AM on August 24, 2015
You are experiencing Stockholm Syndrome. Abused children don't want to be removed from their abusive parents, and you don't want to be parted from your abusive boyfriend. Time away from him and the idea of him, on your own, finding your own power and self-sufficiency, seeing that there are other people who are emotionally available to you and getting into a relationship that is in fact supportive and healthy are all things that will help you to let go of the feelings of fear and uncertainty about ending this relationship.
posted by janey47 at 11:58 AM on August 24, 2015
posted by janey47 at 11:58 AM on August 24, 2015
It sounds like you made the right decision, but ending relationships is hard. Just take good care of yourself and find things you can do to keep your mind away from it, and you will heal.
posted by xingcat at 12:03 PM on August 24, 2015
posted by xingcat at 12:03 PM on August 24, 2015
rereading this makes me realize what a mess everything was
Yeah, I got that same sense reading your story. You've been unhappy and insecure for more than half of your time together, and it wasn't really getting better. To me, it sounds like you made the right call; however, leaving even an unhealthy relationship can be painful. The regret and second-guessing you are experiencing are par for the course.
The driving stuff also really bothers me. Your independence and mobility are so important. You deserve a partner who knows that and wants you to be able to drive. At the very least, he shouldn't have made such an important promise to you and then broken it. My mom is physically disabled and my dad always wanted her to be able to get around, have her career, write her book, etc. He actively supported her plans to be more independent. I think you should keep going to therapy and work on your plan for the next phase of your life. It sounds like that might involve moving to another area.
posted by Area Man at 12:05 PM on August 24, 2015
Yeah, I got that same sense reading your story. You've been unhappy and insecure for more than half of your time together, and it wasn't really getting better. To me, it sounds like you made the right call; however, leaving even an unhealthy relationship can be painful. The regret and second-guessing you are experiencing are par for the course.
The driving stuff also really bothers me. Your independence and mobility are so important. You deserve a partner who knows that and wants you to be able to drive. At the very least, he shouldn't have made such an important promise to you and then broken it. My mom is physically disabled and my dad always wanted her to be able to get around, have her career, write her book, etc. He actively supported her plans to be more independent. I think you should keep going to therapy and work on your plan for the next phase of your life. It sounds like that might involve moving to another area.
posted by Area Man at 12:05 PM on August 24, 2015
Go re-read your past two questions about this guy. Reread the answers. That'll probably help you internalize that you've absolutely done the best thing for you here.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:06 PM on August 24, 2015
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:06 PM on August 24, 2015
I think you made the right decision ending this relationship. It will hurt for a while and you may second-guess your decision now and again. But one day you'll wake up and realise that you don't miss him anymore.
My suggestion would be to make a list of all those things that you would like to achieve - but never managed to do while with him - and go out and do them!
posted by kinddieserzeit at 12:13 PM on August 24, 2015
My suggestion would be to make a list of all those things that you would like to achieve - but never managed to do while with him - and go out and do them!
posted by kinddieserzeit at 12:13 PM on August 24, 2015
Break ups are hard even when it was the right thing to do (and I absolutely think that it was the right thing for you to do).
And I think break-ups from unhealthy relationships, like the one you were in, are even more disorienting, because in an unhealthy relationship you've been shaping and pruning and smothering and denying parts of yourself this whole time in order to fit into the relationship, and when you leave that relationship all of a sudden you don't have to do any of that anymore. And pretty soon that will feel amazing: it will be like a huge weight has been taken off your shoulders.
But in the immediate aftermath of a break up like that, I think it feels a bit like being swept out into the big ocean after you've been bobbing along in a small channeled stream for a while, and you can feel sort of naked and directionless. In my experience, the best way to deal with that feeling is to embrace it the best you can and pick a direction and start swimming: if you're not sure who you are anymore, you will figure that out by going out and doing things, rather than sitting home alone and trying to work it out in the abstract in your own head. And if you're feeling a loose ends and have no ideas for things you can go out and do, try doing a couple of things that you felt judged for doing in your old relationship. It's very freeing!
posted by colfax at 12:18 PM on August 24, 2015
And I think break-ups from unhealthy relationships, like the one you were in, are even more disorienting, because in an unhealthy relationship you've been shaping and pruning and smothering and denying parts of yourself this whole time in order to fit into the relationship, and when you leave that relationship all of a sudden you don't have to do any of that anymore. And pretty soon that will feel amazing: it will be like a huge weight has been taken off your shoulders.
But in the immediate aftermath of a break up like that, I think it feels a bit like being swept out into the big ocean after you've been bobbing along in a small channeled stream for a while, and you can feel sort of naked and directionless. In my experience, the best way to deal with that feeling is to embrace it the best you can and pick a direction and start swimming: if you're not sure who you are anymore, you will figure that out by going out and doing things, rather than sitting home alone and trying to work it out in the abstract in your own head. And if you're feeling a loose ends and have no ideas for things you can go out and do, try doing a couple of things that you felt judged for doing in your old relationship. It's very freeing!
posted by colfax at 12:18 PM on August 24, 2015
The fact that his friend didn't try to initiate an affair after all makes his actions WORSE, not better. He developed a totally one-sided crush and then he almost let it destroy his relationship. He's emotionally stunted.
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:19 PM on August 24, 2015
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:19 PM on August 24, 2015
God yes definitely you have done the right thing, and well done for making that step. He had an emotional affair, made you responsible for policing the end of that affair when really it was something he should have done himself, then held it against you when you couldn't get over it quick enough. I am not convinced that you will continue to want to be friends with him once some time, distance and perceptive has kicked in, but for now, do what you have to.
posted by intensitymultiply at 12:41 PM on August 24, 2015
posted by intensitymultiply at 12:41 PM on August 24, 2015
This was as close as you came to making the case for staying together:
we still care about each other, we don’t hate each other
Leaving was absolutely the right decision.
posted by prize bull octorok at 12:44 PM on August 24, 2015
we still care about each other, we don’t hate each other
Leaving was absolutely the right decision.
posted by prize bull octorok at 12:44 PM on August 24, 2015
This is a totally normal way to feel after ending a relationship, even when you have a pile of good reasons to do so.
Change sucks. Very few people really thrive on it, and the rest of us second-guess and grieve and regret and waffle and get scared for the future. Totally normal, and you're being extremely rational and thoughtful about what you want and need in your life. It'll be fine. You did the right thing.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:49 PM on August 24, 2015
Change sucks. Very few people really thrive on it, and the rest of us second-guess and grieve and regret and waffle and get scared for the future. Totally normal, and you're being extremely rational and thoughtful about what you want and need in your life. It'll be fine. You did the right thing.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:49 PM on August 24, 2015
Please keep going to therapy. I suspect he talked crap about it so hard because he saw how much perspective it gave you about your feelings and the relationship. You are tremendously strong to take this step for yourself. Don't forget it.
posted by hollyholly at 1:13 PM on August 24, 2015
posted by hollyholly at 1:13 PM on August 24, 2015
You did the right thing, because you weren't happy with him. The pain and doubt you feel now will recede with time--especially if you take this time to be really good to yourself.
He also told me I needed to be careful and to watch out if he suddenly stops talking to me after talking to her, I never understood this part but it caused me anxiety.
Yeah, I don't think you were as confused or mistaken as he later lead you to believe you were. Obviously, dealing with your own insecurity and trust issues will only help you to lead a happier, healthier life, and you should continue that work. But that kind of doubletalk would put even the most trusting people in a tailspin. What, he was telling you to monitor him for possible infidelity because he totally wasn't cheating but watch out, you never know? Come on, son. That's some bullshit. Bullshit you no longer have to put up with!
posted by kapers at 2:14 PM on August 24, 2015
He also told me I needed to be careful and to watch out if he suddenly stops talking to me after talking to her, I never understood this part but it caused me anxiety.
Yeah, I don't think you were as confused or mistaken as he later lead you to believe you were. Obviously, dealing with your own insecurity and trust issues will only help you to lead a happier, healthier life, and you should continue that work. But that kind of doubletalk would put even the most trusting people in a tailspin. What, he was telling you to monitor him for possible infidelity because he totally wasn't cheating but watch out, you never know? Come on, son. That's some bullshit. Bullshit you no longer have to put up with!
posted by kapers at 2:14 PM on August 24, 2015
Based on my own experience and that of my sisters and friends, I believe it's harder to end an unhappy relationship than one that's basically okay -- and the aftermath of the breakup is more difficult, too. You've spent a long time trying to make it better, putting up with things that weren't fair to you, trying to be "reasonable" about stuff that makes you feel scared or sad. Plus, yours was long-distance for quite a while. Long-distance relationships require faith and hope. Once you've put in all that effort, it's extra hard to get used to the loss of your relationship.
Even though you've made the right decision based on what's best for you, still your life changes drastically as a result of splitting up. You've been thinking about him every day for years. You've been making decisions considering his needs and wants. There's a big hole in your life.
Concentrate on yourself, your future, and what you enjoy and are interested in. What you're feeling is normal, and it's a cliché, but it will get better with time.
posted by wryly at 2:18 PM on August 24, 2015
Even though you've made the right decision based on what's best for you, still your life changes drastically as a result of splitting up. You've been thinking about him every day for years. You've been making decisions considering his needs and wants. There's a big hole in your life.
Concentrate on yourself, your future, and what you enjoy and are interested in. What you're feeling is normal, and it's a cliché, but it will get better with time.
posted by wryly at 2:18 PM on August 24, 2015
You've spent a long time trying to make it better, putting up with things that weren't fair to you, trying to be "reasonable" about stuff that makes you feel scared or sad.
Right. It's incredibly disorienting to be with someone who you presume loves you (he's my boyfriend! He says he loves me! We live together!) when they act in ways that show that they really don't care about what's hurtful to you. You can spend and awful lot of time and mental energy trying to figure that out and it depletes you.
The good news is that when you've healed from this breakup, my word, how much more energy you'll have for good things in your life!
posted by Sublimity at 3:30 PM on August 24, 2015
Right. It's incredibly disorienting to be with someone who you presume loves you (he's my boyfriend! He says he loves me! We live together!) when they act in ways that show that they really don't care about what's hurtful to you. You can spend and awful lot of time and mental energy trying to figure that out and it depletes you.
The good news is that when you've healed from this breakup, my word, how much more energy you'll have for good things in your life!
posted by Sublimity at 3:30 PM on August 24, 2015
You had a lot of emotional energy invested in this relationship and its complexity, then you broke up and now you're using all that energy to parse and examine the details of what happened and why. But fretting over who felt what or said what or thought what and why is not going to solve this. What you need to do is find outlets for your time and energy and focus that are not related to your ex. All you really need to know about that relationship, for the time being, is this: "I realized I had been unhappy for most of it." None of the rest of the details matter now. Just keep your focus on that basic, important truth: the relationship made you unhappy most of the time, so you ended it. Whenever you feel yourself second-guessing your decision or agonizing over something that happened months or years ago, just stick to that one fact. The relationship made you unhappy, so you ended it. That was the right decision.
posted by unsub at 10:27 PM on August 24, 2015
posted by unsub at 10:27 PM on August 24, 2015
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- I started therapy to try and deal with this to save our relationship. My boyfriend thought it was a waste of money
- He also told me I needed to be careful and to watch out if he suddenly stops talking to me after talking to her
- I couldn’t become the person I wanted to out here with him
- There is also the possibility that he has emotionally abusive tendencies and that we are very emotionally incompatibile.
You ABSOLUTELY made the right decision. Holy crap. None of this had the makings of anything other than an unhealthy relationship. Its okay to be confused and question your choice, that's normal even when it was clearly the right call. But please know that ending the relationship was the right call. Before long the confusion and doubt will pass and you will feel and see the proof of the correctness of this choice.
Also, I hate to say this, but I'm guessing he was "gentle and understanding" about it because he wasn't very invested in the relationship, and you ending it just saved him the trouble.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 11:39 AM on August 24, 2015