Why did this guy stopped communicating with me suddenly after 4th date?
August 10, 2015 3:33 PM Subscribe
I’m a 23 yo female with very little dating experience and I’m going through an emotional distress right now because a guy I’ve been dating (from match.com) for 6 weeks just ended thing with me for no apparent reason. We went on 4 dates total before he disappeared last weekend. However, at the beginning, we went from obsessively texting each other all day every day to talking on the phone at least an hour each time along with texting. We seemed to click very well on a lot of things.
On our 2nd date about 3 weeks ago, he invited me over to his apt and I refused, telling him it was too rushed for me and I wanted to take things slow and get to know each other first. He was very respectful and agreeable of my wishes and continued to talk to me. I felt a lot more comfortable knowing that he wasn't into me just for sex. Fast forward to the 4th date, he suggested his apt again and this time I agreed to come over as I trusted him to not take anything to far. In my mind, I was okay with making out and cuddling but nothing more. We ended up eating dinner and watching a movie on the 4th date, still no physical contact at all. We still hadn’t hold hand up to this point. I was nervous to initiate anything and I wasn’t quite sure why he didn’t either.
After the date, he texted me telling me he had a great time and he said he's taking things slow with me to get to know me better, but he doesn’t want me to think he’s not attracted to me. I told him I didn’t think he was attracted to me (because he hasn’t initiated anything yet) but I was glad we were on the same page in terms of taking things slow. He even said that he used to rush into being physical with his past relationships and that didn’t turn out well.
After that night, he stopped initiating convo with me. Two days later, I texted him asking how his day was and he told me he's getting stressed out with a new job assignment and there's a possibility of him relocating for his job. I tried calling him a couple of times the following days to talk about his job situation and he didn't answer or return my call. Yet he would text me back saying he was busy or in the middle of something. I waited until the end of the week and finally, I texted him asking if everything is okay between us. He said "there's nothing wrong, but I've been so overwhelmed with my job and it's going to be like this for a while. I don't think I have the time to invest in a relationship right now and I don't want to neglect you." and that was the last text I got from him. Needless to say, I was heartbroken and confused as to why he left me after all the nice things he said after our date. I felt like I had misled him with the whole “taking thing slow” thing and discouraged him from seeing me again. I also felt that he lied to me about being busy to let go of me. What do you think happened and how can I learn from this moving forward?
On our 2nd date about 3 weeks ago, he invited me over to his apt and I refused, telling him it was too rushed for me and I wanted to take things slow and get to know each other first. He was very respectful and agreeable of my wishes and continued to talk to me. I felt a lot more comfortable knowing that he wasn't into me just for sex. Fast forward to the 4th date, he suggested his apt again and this time I agreed to come over as I trusted him to not take anything to far. In my mind, I was okay with making out and cuddling but nothing more. We ended up eating dinner and watching a movie on the 4th date, still no physical contact at all. We still hadn’t hold hand up to this point. I was nervous to initiate anything and I wasn’t quite sure why he didn’t either.
After the date, he texted me telling me he had a great time and he said he's taking things slow with me to get to know me better, but he doesn’t want me to think he’s not attracted to me. I told him I didn’t think he was attracted to me (because he hasn’t initiated anything yet) but I was glad we were on the same page in terms of taking things slow. He even said that he used to rush into being physical with his past relationships and that didn’t turn out well.
After that night, he stopped initiating convo with me. Two days later, I texted him asking how his day was and he told me he's getting stressed out with a new job assignment and there's a possibility of him relocating for his job. I tried calling him a couple of times the following days to talk about his job situation and he didn't answer or return my call. Yet he would text me back saying he was busy or in the middle of something. I waited until the end of the week and finally, I texted him asking if everything is okay between us. He said "there's nothing wrong, but I've been so overwhelmed with my job and it's going to be like this for a while. I don't think I have the time to invest in a relationship right now and I don't want to neglect you." and that was the last text I got from him. Needless to say, I was heartbroken and confused as to why he left me after all the nice things he said after our date. I felt like I had misled him with the whole “taking thing slow” thing and discouraged him from seeing me again. I also felt that he lied to me about being busy to let go of me. What do you think happened and how can I learn from this moving forward?
This post was deleted for the following reason: Sorry, you asked this same question last week. I'm sorry this is worrying you but this week-to-week relationship update thing is not a workable way to use AskMe over the long term. -- LobsterMitten
- Don't overthink this.
- Thanks to online dating, a lot of people tend to view dating as a low-stakes enterprise.
- Taking things slow also means not getting too emotionally invested too quickly.
posted by adamrice at 3:44 PM on August 10, 2015
Yeah, I think he was also maybe hoping for some kissing and cuddling, but was hesitant to start anything since you told him that you wanted to take it slow. How flirty/openly into physical contact were you during the movie?
You guys don't sound like you were very comfortable communicating, which probably contributed to your hesitance to start a physical thing. Personally, I think that's a blessing because it's like a little voice in your head that told you, "Not this one". So move onto another and see if you are more comfortable!
posted by chainsofreedom at 3:46 PM on August 10, 2015
You guys don't sound like you were very comfortable communicating, which probably contributed to your hesitance to start a physical thing. Personally, I think that's a blessing because it's like a little voice in your head that told you, "Not this one". So move onto another and see if you are more comfortable!
posted by chainsofreedom at 3:46 PM on August 10, 2015
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He didn't initiate anything because you told him you wanted to take it slow. He was giving you what you clearly stated that you wanted. You can't tell someone to do one thing and then get upset when they don't do the opposite. To then tell him that you thought he wasn't attracted to you because he didn't push you into doing something you TOLD HIM you didn't want to do? This is definitely something that would make me personally think twice about being in a relationship with someone.
What you can learn from this is that people dislike it when others tell them one thing but expect them to do the opposite, especially when that opposite thing can be seen as threatening and unsafe behavior.
posted by poffin boffin at 3:42 PM on August 10, 2015 [4 favorites]