Help me learn to accept being the bad guy sometimes
August 8, 2015 6:09 AM Subscribe
I've lived my life not wanting to be the bad guy, never wanting to upset people. Recently I've come to realise that this is a big part of what kept me in an unhappy marriage for years longer than I should have stayed, and has also been responsible for keeping me in my current (toxic) job. Help me learn to accept that it's okay to be the bad guy sometimes, and to stand up for myself.
One of my earliest memories is my mom saying to me "the secret to a happy life is to keep everyone else happy," and I've kind of stuck with that as my guiding principle. I've been the guy who cheered people up, the guy who fixes things, the guy who is the eternal optimist in the face of rampant pessimism, and the guy who never, ever gives up.
And it's cost me. I stayed in my marriage for far longer than I should have because I didn't want to give up on it, and when my wife told me that she thought we were screwed I kept saying that if we worked at it we'd be fine. When things got really bad with her I didn't hold my boundaries — e.g. against her going through my stuff whilst I was away — nearly as well as I should. If she went through my stuff and found something that she thought was incriminating (a journal entry from when I'd been miserable, let's say) then I spent all my time and effort proving to her that I'd done nothing wrong and never let myself get particularly angry about the fact that she'd yet again broken her promise to me. When things got so bad that I needed time apart from her for myself I felt terribly guilty about it and accepted the narrative that I'd abandoned her, even though it was more a case of not being able to cope with the level of pain I was feeling when I stayed around. A part of me still feels like a flake for finally walking out on her.
Similarly, I don't like to be the bad guy in my job. When the workload is too much I'll work evenings and weekends to catch up. In my last job I was managed out because I didn't stand up to my manager enough when he started producing completely spurious performance statistics. I got a settlement from them, but I felt like I was being an asshole for standing my ground in the negotiation sessions.
In my current job my manager has often remarked that when a project falls behind he "[expects] evening and weekend plans to be cancelled" and that "if you're not willing to give your life to the job you should find another." I've never stood up to him on this (though I am actively looking for a new job) and I'm feeling burned out as a result. I value being the loyal guy who doesn't let people down and were I to tell him to stick his job and walk away I'd feel like I'd failed him.
The other day, after I'd been complaining about my job, my sister remarked "you know that you are allowed to be the bad guy sometimes, right? That your own interests are worth something?"
It kind of startled me — I'd never thought that "being the bad guy" was remotely okay. I imagined myself telling my boss that no, I wouldn't be working this weekend, and not feeling guilty about it, and it was a brilliant mental image (though I am working this weekend because hey, there's work to catch up on).
In short, I need to learn to have a spine, to not be conflict-avoidant anymore, and to occasionally be the bad guy in my own self-interest. And I have no idea how.
Mefites, can you point me at resources that might help me toughen up?
One of my earliest memories is my mom saying to me "the secret to a happy life is to keep everyone else happy," and I've kind of stuck with that as my guiding principle. I've been the guy who cheered people up, the guy who fixes things, the guy who is the eternal optimist in the face of rampant pessimism, and the guy who never, ever gives up.
And it's cost me. I stayed in my marriage for far longer than I should have because I didn't want to give up on it, and when my wife told me that she thought we were screwed I kept saying that if we worked at it we'd be fine. When things got really bad with her I didn't hold my boundaries — e.g. against her going through my stuff whilst I was away — nearly as well as I should. If she went through my stuff and found something that she thought was incriminating (a journal entry from when I'd been miserable, let's say) then I spent all my time and effort proving to her that I'd done nothing wrong and never let myself get particularly angry about the fact that she'd yet again broken her promise to me. When things got so bad that I needed time apart from her for myself I felt terribly guilty about it and accepted the narrative that I'd abandoned her, even though it was more a case of not being able to cope with the level of pain I was feeling when I stayed around. A part of me still feels like a flake for finally walking out on her.
Similarly, I don't like to be the bad guy in my job. When the workload is too much I'll work evenings and weekends to catch up. In my last job I was managed out because I didn't stand up to my manager enough when he started producing completely spurious performance statistics. I got a settlement from them, but I felt like I was being an asshole for standing my ground in the negotiation sessions.
In my current job my manager has often remarked that when a project falls behind he "[expects] evening and weekend plans to be cancelled" and that "if you're not willing to give your life to the job you should find another." I've never stood up to him on this (though I am actively looking for a new job) and I'm feeling burned out as a result. I value being the loyal guy who doesn't let people down and were I to tell him to stick his job and walk away I'd feel like I'd failed him.
The other day, after I'd been complaining about my job, my sister remarked "you know that you are allowed to be the bad guy sometimes, right? That your own interests are worth something?"
It kind of startled me — I'd never thought that "being the bad guy" was remotely okay. I imagined myself telling my boss that no, I wouldn't be working this weekend, and not feeling guilty about it, and it was a brilliant mental image (though I am working this weekend because hey, there's work to catch up on).
In short, I need to learn to have a spine, to not be conflict-avoidant anymore, and to occasionally be the bad guy in my own self-interest. And I have no idea how.
Mefites, can you point me at resources that might help me toughen up?
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