How do I respond constructively to my partner's anger, and to my own?
July 16, 2015 1:40 PM Subscribe
My girlfriend and I have experienced a very rocky relationship. I often find myself overwhelmed by her expressions of anger – insults, harsh names, disparaging remarks, threats to hurt herself. And I feel guilty for escalating the intensity of our conflicts by getting defensive, breaking down and crying, hitting myself, and sometimes threatening to leave her. How do I work toward changing the way I see her, or is it time to consider ending the relationship?
I grew up in a suburban, upper-middle-class, predominately white community that seemed to prize being "nice" over all else. My parents were never quick to express emotions like anger, and they were/are devout Christians. They were nurturing to my siblings and I, which I am very thankful for. But on the other hand, I never really felt comfortable expressing uncomfortable feelings, and I learned to hide how I felt sometimes out of fear of being rejected. Today, I find it extremely difficult to express anger in a constructive and straightforward way, with everyone but particularly with a significant other. When someone directs their anger at/toward me, or I perceive this is happening, I often panic and feel like I’m wholly responsible for whatever is triggering the anger; I either run and hide or stay put and become overwhelmed in an attempt to “repair." Eventually, if pushed my own anger does emerge and I hate what I see in myself. With increasingly frequency, I find this dynamic playing out in my relationship, to disastrous effect.
My partner grew up in an environment very different from my own.
Still, our relationship has brought the the foreground many of the difficult feelings that marked her childhood, and mine as well: fear of abandonment, in particular. When I do something that upsets her – for instance, tell her I'm running late to meet her – she often flies off the handle. If she feels slighted or disrespected (and I say this because this is how she has expressed the process to me), she can become enraged very quickly. And I almost invariably these angry expressions as an affront on me; the pain underneath becomes invisible. Still, while admitting this, I am confident I have tried my best to treat her with kindness and to be conciliatory when she comes to me with a problem or a concern. It's the rage that gets to me.
More often than not, we're finding ourselves in the same painful place. When my partner gets upset and enraged, she very often crosses into name-calling, insults, demands, stonewalling and, usually when I back away and say I need a time out, threats to hurt herself. This has really gotten to me. Particularly when she goes ad hominem (calling me things like “little b-tch,” “you baby,” “motherf-cker") or insults me because I'm "a privileged white asshole," it’s often unrelenting. And I often crash emotionally. At times during our relationship, I have self-harmed, whacking myself in the side of the head. I've gotten defensive, which understandably makes her angrier. And when suppressing my anger – my old, instinctive solution – or trying to express myself directly (with "I" statements) – my new one – seems to founder, I have admittedly lost control of my anger; I've crushed my own eyeglasses in my hands, thrown my phone across the street and smashed its screen. I’ve yelled back at her, and sadly resorted on a few occasions to my own harsh speech (“I hate you” and “fuck you” and “You treat me like sh-t”). I’ve threatened to break up with her several times, and have come back because I feel ashamed of my escapism. Almost invariably after I’ve acted out in these ways, I've felt guilt wash over me and I've apologized (sometimes incessantly).
Coupled with all this, my partner has a dependency on alcohol that waxes and wanes; when she feels down, oftentimes in the wake of an argument with me, she tends to drink a lot, sometimes beginning in the morning and continuing through the evening. From my perspective, this usually makes our eventual interactions more confusing and intense than the sober ones, and I find myself struggling to summon empathy for her when she drinks. She also smokes a ton of pot, more than anyone I've ever met. I say this not to shame her or point out something wrong with her. I don't blame my partner for her addictions. I don't take a hard line against drug use. And I know I have my own maladaptive coping strategies too. I also know now that my partner experienced trauma on a level is difficult to fathom. I can't relate directly to this trauma, and yet I want to be supportive to her as she works through it. I want her to find healing. But when she enters a place of rage, the experience really strains my ability to empathize with her. When I overreact in the ways described above, I feel like I’m only setting us both back.
I'm deeply confused about my personal responsibility. I've gone into a rabbit hole of reading about emotional abuse, and when I’ve opened up to friends in the past they’ve reflected this message back to me: yes, your relationship is emotionally abusive. They’ve advised me, usually, to get out of the relationship. And as I mentioned earlier, I have often taken steps to leave, but I often back out because I love my partner – and despite all the tumult, we do have a close bond. We've made baby steps toward improving our relationship, and then something like a miscommunication snaps us back five steps. I see that I have a role to play in this dynamic, and I feel a sense of remorse about my own anger.
I’ve been in one-on-one therapy for about nine months, and my partner is in therapy as well. In addition, she took a six-month group therapy class that dealt with emotion regulation. We’ve discussed going to couple’s therapy, and have both agreed it could help, but the moment my partner tells me she no longer wants to go with me. And amid an intense argument this week, I have told her that I need some space for a few days. I don't want to give up on her, but I'm also afraid that we've normalized a really destructive pattern.
So, I don’t know exactly what my question is, but it’s something along the lines of: how can I learn to respond more constructively to my significant other’s intense expressions of anger/rage – and also learn to express my own anger more constructively? Or is it time to consider separating?
Thank you.
I grew up in a suburban, upper-middle-class, predominately white community that seemed to prize being "nice" over all else. My parents were never quick to express emotions like anger, and they were/are devout Christians. They were nurturing to my siblings and I, which I am very thankful for. But on the other hand, I never really felt comfortable expressing uncomfortable feelings, and I learned to hide how I felt sometimes out of fear of being rejected. Today, I find it extremely difficult to express anger in a constructive and straightforward way, with everyone but particularly with a significant other. When someone directs their anger at/toward me, or I perceive this is happening, I often panic and feel like I’m wholly responsible for whatever is triggering the anger; I either run and hide or stay put and become overwhelmed in an attempt to “repair." Eventually, if pushed my own anger does emerge and I hate what I see in myself. With increasingly frequency, I find this dynamic playing out in my relationship, to disastrous effect.
My partner grew up in an environment very different from my own.
Still, our relationship has brought the the foreground many of the difficult feelings that marked her childhood, and mine as well: fear of abandonment, in particular. When I do something that upsets her – for instance, tell her I'm running late to meet her – she often flies off the handle. If she feels slighted or disrespected (and I say this because this is how she has expressed the process to me), she can become enraged very quickly. And I almost invariably these angry expressions as an affront on me; the pain underneath becomes invisible. Still, while admitting this, I am confident I have tried my best to treat her with kindness and to be conciliatory when she comes to me with a problem or a concern. It's the rage that gets to me.
More often than not, we're finding ourselves in the same painful place. When my partner gets upset and enraged, she very often crosses into name-calling, insults, demands, stonewalling and, usually when I back away and say I need a time out, threats to hurt herself. This has really gotten to me. Particularly when she goes ad hominem (calling me things like “little b-tch,” “you baby,” “motherf-cker") or insults me because I'm "a privileged white asshole," it’s often unrelenting. And I often crash emotionally. At times during our relationship, I have self-harmed, whacking myself in the side of the head. I've gotten defensive, which understandably makes her angrier. And when suppressing my anger – my old, instinctive solution – or trying to express myself directly (with "I" statements) – my new one – seems to founder, I have admittedly lost control of my anger; I've crushed my own eyeglasses in my hands, thrown my phone across the street and smashed its screen. I’ve yelled back at her, and sadly resorted on a few occasions to my own harsh speech (“I hate you” and “fuck you” and “You treat me like sh-t”). I’ve threatened to break up with her several times, and have come back because I feel ashamed of my escapism. Almost invariably after I’ve acted out in these ways, I've felt guilt wash over me and I've apologized (sometimes incessantly).
Coupled with all this, my partner has a dependency on alcohol that waxes and wanes; when she feels down, oftentimes in the wake of an argument with me, she tends to drink a lot, sometimes beginning in the morning and continuing through the evening. From my perspective, this usually makes our eventual interactions more confusing and intense than the sober ones, and I find myself struggling to summon empathy for her when she drinks. She also smokes a ton of pot, more than anyone I've ever met. I say this not to shame her or point out something wrong with her. I don't blame my partner for her addictions. I don't take a hard line against drug use. And I know I have my own maladaptive coping strategies too. I also know now that my partner experienced trauma on a level is difficult to fathom. I can't relate directly to this trauma, and yet I want to be supportive to her as she works through it. I want her to find healing. But when she enters a place of rage, the experience really strains my ability to empathize with her. When I overreact in the ways described above, I feel like I’m only setting us both back.
I'm deeply confused about my personal responsibility. I've gone into a rabbit hole of reading about emotional abuse, and when I’ve opened up to friends in the past they’ve reflected this message back to me: yes, your relationship is emotionally abusive. They’ve advised me, usually, to get out of the relationship. And as I mentioned earlier, I have often taken steps to leave, but I often back out because I love my partner – and despite all the tumult, we do have a close bond. We've made baby steps toward improving our relationship, and then something like a miscommunication snaps us back five steps. I see that I have a role to play in this dynamic, and I feel a sense of remorse about my own anger.
I’ve been in one-on-one therapy for about nine months, and my partner is in therapy as well. In addition, she took a six-month group therapy class that dealt with emotion regulation. We’ve discussed going to couple’s therapy, and have both agreed it could help, but the moment my partner tells me she no longer wants to go with me. And amid an intense argument this week, I have told her that I need some space for a few days. I don't want to give up on her, but I'm also afraid that we've normalized a really destructive pattern.
So, I don’t know exactly what my question is, but it’s something along the lines of: how can I learn to respond more constructively to my significant other’s intense expressions of anger/rage – and also learn to express my own anger more constructively? Or is it time to consider separating?
Thank you.
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- taz
Wow. The two of you sound utterly toxic to each other, this relationship is rancid with abuse and beyond broken communication, and you need to irrevocably split from her.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:48 PM on July 16, 2015 [32 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 1:48 PM on July 16, 2015 [32 favorites]
Yes, your relationship is emotionally abusive.
Yes, it is time to consider separating.
Yes, you can love someone and have a close bond with them and still leave them.
You are setting the both of you back by staying. This is a toxic dynamic that feeds upon itself. It will never get better if you stay. The kindest and most compassionate thing you can do for her is to leave her, as twisted as that sounds. She will not change with you there. You will not be able to cope with this for the rest of your life (nor should you). The only way out of this mess is to walk out of it. The sooner you do it, the better.
Best of luck. I'm sorry you're going through this.
posted by sockermom at 1:48 PM on July 16, 2015 [13 favorites]
Yes, it is time to consider separating.
Yes, you can love someone and have a close bond with them and still leave them.
You are setting the both of you back by staying. This is a toxic dynamic that feeds upon itself. It will never get better if you stay. The kindest and most compassionate thing you can do for her is to leave her, as twisted as that sounds. She will not change with you there. You will not be able to cope with this for the rest of your life (nor should you). The only way out of this mess is to walk out of it. The sooner you do it, the better.
Best of luck. I'm sorry you're going through this.
posted by sockermom at 1:48 PM on July 16, 2015 [13 favorites]
I hope you will hear me when I tell you that in all honesty, neither one of you is ready to be in a relationship with anyone else. I think you need to get to the core of your own anger issues, on your own - preferably in partnership with a competent therapist. The kind of behavior you describe on your part, as well as hers, constitutes abuse -- abuse to yourself and abuse to the other person.
The good news is that it is completely possible, with diligent work and support, to heal from past trauma over time and go on to establish a much healthier and happier relationship with yourself. Once you've gotten to a better place emotionally with yourself, then and only then can you begin to figure out how to relate in a healthy manner with someone else.
posted by Gray Skies at 1:53 PM on July 16, 2015 [10 favorites]
The good news is that it is completely possible, with diligent work and support, to heal from past trauma over time and go on to establish a much healthier and happier relationship with yourself. Once you've gotten to a better place emotionally with yourself, then and only then can you begin to figure out how to relate in a healthy manner with someone else.
posted by Gray Skies at 1:53 PM on July 16, 2015 [10 favorites]
Al-Anon would be a good start.
posted by juniperesque at 1:54 PM on July 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by juniperesque at 1:54 PM on July 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
Love does not mean that people should be together. It's pretty to think that love should be enough, but it's not. This is not a healthy relationship between the emotional abuse and the self harm. As sockermom said, this is a toxic dynamic that feeds on itself. The best thing you can do for both of you is to take the steps to leave and do it for good.
For yourself, please continue your therapy and develop the tools you need to manage anger in a way that isn't self harming.
Good luck and take care of yourself.
posted by MandaSayGrr at 1:55 PM on July 16, 2015 [5 favorites]
For yourself, please continue your therapy and develop the tools you need to manage anger in a way that isn't self harming.
Good luck and take care of yourself.
posted by MandaSayGrr at 1:55 PM on July 16, 2015 [5 favorites]
You're asking the wrong question. You don't need to "learn to respond more constructively to my significant other’s intense expressions of anger/rage"; from what you've described, that's entirely beside the point. Instead, you need to figure out how to best and mostly quickly end this relationship.
If your partner is calling you any names, much less awful ones like "motherfucker" and "asshole," there's nothing to save. That's way beyond "ad hominem" -- that's flat out abuse. It's how you'd speak to a stranger who knocks you over on a subway platform, not someone you have a salvagable relationship with. And to be honest, it's not just her; your behavior in this relationship sounds pretty scary too. I don't usually like to use the word "toxic" for relationships, but boy, does it fit here. Seriously, this Ask was alarming to read.
It doesn't matter whether she has some psychiatric illness or whether you do; this relationship is going to grind you both down until there's nothing left of you, and it's going to do it sooner rather than later. I'm sorry, but you two have to break up.
posted by holborne at 2:00 PM on July 16, 2015 [19 favorites]
If your partner is calling you any names, much less awful ones like "motherfucker" and "asshole," there's nothing to save. That's way beyond "ad hominem" -- that's flat out abuse. It's how you'd speak to a stranger who knocks you over on a subway platform, not someone you have a salvagable relationship with. And to be honest, it's not just her; your behavior in this relationship sounds pretty scary too. I don't usually like to use the word "toxic" for relationships, but boy, does it fit here. Seriously, this Ask was alarming to read.
It doesn't matter whether she has some psychiatric illness or whether you do; this relationship is going to grind you both down until there's nothing left of you, and it's going to do it sooner rather than later. I'm sorry, but you two have to break up.
posted by holborne at 2:00 PM on July 16, 2015 [19 favorites]
There is no constructive response to someone's abusive behavior except to get out as quickly and safely as possible.
posted by rtha at 2:03 PM on July 16, 2015 [22 favorites]
posted by rtha at 2:03 PM on July 16, 2015 [22 favorites]
Get out get out get out! You two are only going to hurt each other and make each other sicker. If you really love her, don't make things worse for her by staying in this very toxic relationship. My take on your description (which is only one side of the story and therefore should be taken with a grain of salt) is that your girlfriend is very sick and although she's started the process of getting better (therapy and group), she's got a very long road. You are going to impede her progress down that road because your toxic relationship is going to trigger her to cause her to repeat old patterns of behavior. Your reactions to her are evidence that you are beginning to deteriorate emotionally and mentally also. If you stay, you're going to be broken also. Get out! It's the best thing you can do for her.
posted by dchrssyr at 2:38 PM on July 16, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by dchrssyr at 2:38 PM on July 16, 2015 [4 favorites]
You need to end this relationship. In the long run, that's what is best for the both of you. You can't fix her or this dynamic by having a more "constructive" response to that emotionally abusive rage, nor are you well-positioned to work on your own issues while this relationship continues. This dynamic is not good for either one of you, and you each need time to work on yourselves.
posted by Area Man at 2:46 PM on July 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Area Man at 2:46 PM on July 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
I would leave skid marks getting away from this woman.
posted by w0mbat at 2:48 PM on July 16, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by w0mbat at 2:48 PM on July 16, 2015 [5 favorites]
As others have said, this was quite disturbing to read. Maybe you are rationalizing that since your own background did not teach you how to deal with strong emotions or anger, so you see her strong emotions and anger as things you are supposed to know how to deal with, but please listen to everyone (your own friends and people here on AskMe) telling you that what you are describing are not things anyone should have to deal with in a relationship.
It is time to separate.
posted by maggiemaggie at 2:56 PM on July 16, 2015 [10 favorites]
It is time to separate.
posted by maggiemaggie at 2:56 PM on July 16, 2015 [10 favorites]
How do I respond constructively to my partner's anger, and to my own?
The constructive response for everyone would be for the relationship to end. I suspect this would also solve your anger problem.
posted by zennie at 3:12 PM on July 16, 2015 [6 favorites]
The constructive response for everyone would be for the relationship to end. I suspect this would also solve your anger problem.
posted by zennie at 3:12 PM on July 16, 2015 [6 favorites]
There is nothing here to save. I feel like you're saying, my house is on fire, how do I use a fire extinguisher, when I want to say, dude, the house burnt down and you have a garden hose pointed at its ashes. Get out, yesterday if possible.
posted by kat518 at 3:20 PM on July 16, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by kat518 at 3:20 PM on July 16, 2015 [5 favorites]
how can I ... learn to express my own anger more constructively? Or is it time to consider separating?
You can learn this in a safe space. In therapy, with friends and family, but not with her. Separating is a good step toward this goal.
You are not letting her down. There is a limit to how much you can help her. She can sink and sink and sink without you doing anything wrong at all. Please be gentle with yourself here. This is why people are suggesting AlAnon.
posted by heatherann at 3:22 PM on July 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
You can learn this in a safe space. In therapy, with friends and family, but not with her. Separating is a good step toward this goal.
You are not letting her down. There is a limit to how much you can help her. She can sink and sink and sink without you doing anything wrong at all. Please be gentle with yourself here. This is why people are suggesting AlAnon.
posted by heatherann at 3:22 PM on July 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
You're going to be a lot happier if you end this relationship and go no contact.
One of the things that perpetuates dysfunctional and codependent dynamics like this is the idea that the two people love each other, are important to each other, have a history, etc. It's important to understand that while it's admirable to love people unconditionally, you're entitled to set conditions on the kinds of relationships you have with those very same people. (David Richo talks about this in How to be an Adult in Relationships, an awesome book.)
It sounds like as a kid you were taught that it was important not to assert boundaries in a family that avoided conflict rather than addressing it constructively, but as an adult, you will be much happier if you learn to own your right to draw the line. This can be pretty scary because it may mean you've got to figure out for the first time what it is that you want in addition to how to assert yourself, but you can be sure that unhealthy people will be drawn to you until you learn how to do this.
Another thing to think about is that with all this contemplation of mitigating factors you're doing, about your partner's harsh upbringing, her love of animals, feeding the homeless, etc., which you seem to be doing to put her behavior into perspective, add context, maintain a balanced picture of her and so on... She's not willing or able to have this sort of thought process about you when it really counts, which is when you do something that is frustrating to her. If she were doing that, she wouldn't be raging at you.
So, yeah, I think you should get out of this relationship ASAP. Going no contact (block all channels of communication: social media, phone, email, games like Words with Friends, apps like MapMyRun, EVERYTHING) is also critically important.
posted by alphanerd at 3:35 PM on July 16, 2015 [8 favorites]
One of the things that perpetuates dysfunctional and codependent dynamics like this is the idea that the two people love each other, are important to each other, have a history, etc. It's important to understand that while it's admirable to love people unconditionally, you're entitled to set conditions on the kinds of relationships you have with those very same people. (David Richo talks about this in How to be an Adult in Relationships, an awesome book.)
It sounds like as a kid you were taught that it was important not to assert boundaries in a family that avoided conflict rather than addressing it constructively, but as an adult, you will be much happier if you learn to own your right to draw the line. This can be pretty scary because it may mean you've got to figure out for the first time what it is that you want in addition to how to assert yourself, but you can be sure that unhealthy people will be drawn to you until you learn how to do this.
Another thing to think about is that with all this contemplation of mitigating factors you're doing, about your partner's harsh upbringing, her love of animals, feeding the homeless, etc., which you seem to be doing to put her behavior into perspective, add context, maintain a balanced picture of her and so on... She's not willing or able to have this sort of thought process about you when it really counts, which is when you do something that is frustrating to her. If she were doing that, she wouldn't be raging at you.
So, yeah, I think you should get out of this relationship ASAP. Going no contact (block all channels of communication: social media, phone, email, games like Words with Friends, apps like MapMyRun, EVERYTHING) is also critically important.
posted by alphanerd at 3:35 PM on July 16, 2015 [8 favorites]
You two sounds like you're straight out of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf, but with more violence. You've only been together 18 months. It's not that long. Get out. Keep going to therapy, and find a kind person who doesn't abuse alcohol.
posted by Anonymous at 3:36 PM on July 16, 2015
posted by Anonymous at 3:36 PM on July 16, 2015
Your partner is an abuser. The dynamic is turning you toward very destructive behaviors, which sound like they're new to you. You also seem to be taking more responsibility for her being an abuser than you should. This is a common response as it gives the abused party the illusion that they share enough responsibility that they can change their own behavior which will then shift the dynamic out of the abusive pattern. This doesn't work. You can't fix this. Only she can fix this and it'll take very intensive therapy as well as a commitment to taking full responsibility for her behavior, which she seems unable or unwilling to do as long as you're in the picture. The fact that she's been a victim doesn't negate that she's also an abuser.
I don't doubt that you love her, but this is not a relationship that you can fix by learning to engage in different ways. You need to leave. This toxicity and abuse will not resolve with your approach. She needs to do a lot of work to get control of her anger and abusive impulses. Right now, it sounds like she's using your toxic relationship dynamic to avoid doing this work. Leaving is best for both of you. Go no contact. Don't try to be friends or communicate. Make a clean break. It's best for both of you.
posted by quince at 3:59 PM on July 16, 2015 [6 favorites]
I don't doubt that you love her, but this is not a relationship that you can fix by learning to engage in different ways. You need to leave. This toxicity and abuse will not resolve with your approach. She needs to do a lot of work to get control of her anger and abusive impulses. Right now, it sounds like she's using your toxic relationship dynamic to avoid doing this work. Leaving is best for both of you. Go no contact. Don't try to be friends or communicate. Make a clean break. It's best for both of you.
posted by quince at 3:59 PM on July 16, 2015 [6 favorites]
You need to leave not in anger, not because "I can't take it any more" but because it is the right thing to do. Even though you love her, even though being with her great when it is good, when you truly know that staying together is not healthy for either on of you then you will be able to successfully leave.
One more thing - her high level of alcohol and pot make it unlikely that she will make any real progress in therapy. Therapy can be uncomfortable and addicts will medicate away that discomfort instead of using it learn and grow. You may have the capacity to become the partner that you want to be but it doesn't look like she does - at least not at this stage in her life. I'm sorry - it is a sad place to be.
posted by metahawk at 4:10 PM on July 16, 2015 [5 favorites]
One more thing - her high level of alcohol and pot make it unlikely that she will make any real progress in therapy. Therapy can be uncomfortable and addicts will medicate away that discomfort instead of using it learn and grow. You may have the capacity to become the partner that you want to be but it doesn't look like she does - at least not at this stage in her life. I'm sorry - it is a sad place to be.
posted by metahawk at 4:10 PM on July 16, 2015 [5 favorites]
re: your close bond
Back in my late twenties/early thirties, when I was one serious hot mess, I had relationships that were certainly close. They were mind-bindingly intense. They were also unhealthy as fuck, and I've spent my late thirties/forties with a great sense of how deeply unhealthy these close deep intense relationships were.
I have a hard time now imagining something in my current relationship that would make me throw my phone across the street, unless my partner accidentally scared the crap out of me. We certainly have a close bond, but while nothing is ever perfect, the close bond is based on things like mutual respect.
However, I have been in the place where I would throw a phone across the street. It's taken a lot of work (therapy, natch) but now a kind of relationship where it's Passion! Drama! Phone across the street! sounds just wrong wrong wrong.
I would think seriously how you can get to safety as soon as possible. If you are worried about her harming herself, call 9-1-1, maybe have one of her friends monitor her safety.
There is, unfortunately, no better alternative. You can't fix her (although you are very kind and sweet in wanting to help her overcome her dysfunctional origins).
And as for you, well, this relationship sounds extremely traumatic and therapy can help you heal. And even if the things like the impulse to break things and hurt yourself disappear when escape from this, you might examine those things closely in therapy, so you know how to avoid getting into that dark place again.
Good luck.
posted by angrycat at 4:48 PM on July 16, 2015 [11 favorites]
Back in my late twenties/early thirties, when I was one serious hot mess, I had relationships that were certainly close. They were mind-bindingly intense. They were also unhealthy as fuck, and I've spent my late thirties/forties with a great sense of how deeply unhealthy these close deep intense relationships were.
I have a hard time now imagining something in my current relationship that would make me throw my phone across the street, unless my partner accidentally scared the crap out of me. We certainly have a close bond, but while nothing is ever perfect, the close bond is based on things like mutual respect.
However, I have been in the place where I would throw a phone across the street. It's taken a lot of work (therapy, natch) but now a kind of relationship where it's Passion! Drama! Phone across the street! sounds just wrong wrong wrong.
I would think seriously how you can get to safety as soon as possible. If you are worried about her harming herself, call 9-1-1, maybe have one of her friends monitor her safety.
There is, unfortunately, no better alternative. You can't fix her (although you are very kind and sweet in wanting to help her overcome her dysfunctional origins).
And as for you, well, this relationship sounds extremely traumatic and therapy can help you heal. And even if the things like the impulse to break things and hurt yourself disappear when escape from this, you might examine those things closely in therapy, so you know how to avoid getting into that dark place again.
Good luck.
posted by angrycat at 4:48 PM on July 16, 2015 [11 favorites]
She's certainly verbally abusive but I think you do need to take responsibility for choosing to stay or leave.
You can't control others in this life, only yourself and your own reactions. Choose a healthier path than this.
You can find a healthy middle ground between complete passiveness and over-emotionality. But certainly not in this relationship.
posted by quincunx at 6:11 PM on July 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
You can't control others in this life, only yourself and your own reactions. Choose a healthier path than this.
You can find a healthy middle ground between complete passiveness and over-emotionality. But certainly not in this relationship.
posted by quincunx at 6:11 PM on July 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
how can I learn to respond more constructively
By learning to leave a relationship which is abusive. You cannot engage abusers constructively.
posted by Justinian at 6:31 PM on July 16, 2015 [4 favorites]
By learning to leave a relationship which is abusive. You cannot engage abusers constructively.
posted by Justinian at 6:31 PM on July 16, 2015 [4 favorites]
You know you need to get out. Every line of this Ask is close to exploding with the tension of you laying out your partner's terrible behavior and then giving rationalizations and excuses for it, second and third-guessing yourself over every awful and abusive thing she does, that you don't want to call out as abusive because you're afraid and you don't want to make waves and you're used to framing yourself as the offending party. You know the trauma of her early life is real. You know the structural inequalities that you two come from the opposite poles of are real. You also know the way she is choosing to deal with this trauma is unacceptable, and that using institutional prejudice as a rhetorical excuse to curse your partner out is unacceptable. You are so committed to being nonjudgmental that it's making your account of your relationship into something surreal: insane statements like "this [24 hour binge drinking] usually makes our eventual interactions more confusing and intense than the sober ones, and I find myself struggling to summon empathy for her when she drinks." When your minimizing and rationalizations of your partner's toxic behavior sound like sarcastic passive-aggression, it's time to go. The self-harm stuff you're describing is really frightening-- I know it's hard to internalize, but please know that you can't appease someone's rage (or make them see how much they're hurting you) by physically punishing yourself and putting yourself in danger of bodily harm, like cutting yourself with your glasses. If they are disturbed by this, it's just adding drama to an already high-risk relationship, not you somehow atoning for being bad and making things right. If they feel like you are indeed rightly being punished, you don't deserve to be with someone who wants to see you hurt, under any circumstance. Please end this toxic relationship for your own safety and for your partner's.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 6:35 PM on July 16, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by moonlight on vermont at 6:35 PM on July 16, 2015 [7 favorites]
Or is it time to consider separating?
From what you've written, it sounds like you've been considering separating, and you know what you need to do. Here's yet more confirmation - get out, please get out.
posted by SisterHavana at 9:03 PM on July 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
From what you've written, it sounds like you've been considering separating, and you know what you need to do. Here's yet more confirmation - get out, please get out.
posted by SisterHavana at 9:03 PM on July 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
Your post is so cerebral and analytical. But this is a relationship that is tormenting you.
At some level you know this. You knew what you would hear when you came here.
Just because you love someone doesn't mean they're good for you (or vice versa). You're in your 30s. You have probably seen this with others. Now it is happening to you.
If you make up your mind and break with her "for real", it will hurt, and you will doubt yourself, but you will also feel a huge sense of relief. It will finally be over. It's time to un-fuck your life, it's time to get out.
posted by mattu at 9:08 PM on July 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
At some level you know this. You knew what you would hear when you came here.
Just because you love someone doesn't mean they're good for you (or vice versa). You're in your 30s. You have probably seen this with others. Now it is happening to you.
If you make up your mind and break with her "for real", it will hurt, and you will doubt yourself, but you will also feel a huge sense of relief. It will finally be over. It's time to un-fuck your life, it's time to get out.
posted by mattu at 9:08 PM on July 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
Back in my late twenties/early thirties, when I was one serious hot mess, I had relationships that were certainly close. They were mind-bindingly intense. They were also unhealthy as fuck
Yep, same, and I wish I'd been smart enough and grown up enough to leave rather than dragging things out for years when dealbreaker issues came up, rather than compromising and compromising until I was pretty severely depressed and worn down. I'm still dealing with the fallout where a big bit of my brain equates drama as passion and caretaking someone through extreme emotional turbulence as caring.
Which is to say, I would leave. This sounds unfixable.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 9:30 PM on July 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
Yep, same, and I wish I'd been smart enough and grown up enough to leave rather than dragging things out for years when dealbreaker issues came up, rather than compromising and compromising until I was pretty severely depressed and worn down. I'm still dealing with the fallout where a big bit of my brain equates drama as passion and caretaking someone through extreme emotional turbulence as caring.
Which is to say, I would leave. This sounds unfixable.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 9:30 PM on July 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
she goes ad hominem (calling me things like “little b-tch,” “you baby,” “motherf-cker") or insults me because I'm "a privileged white asshole," it’s often unrelenting.
She's emotionally abusive on a regular basis? She's an alcoholic? DTMA and don't look back.
posted by modernnomad at 10:13 PM on July 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
She's emotionally abusive on a regular basis? She's an alcoholic? DTMA and don't look back.
posted by modernnomad at 10:13 PM on July 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuun.
Do not look back.
Future you will thank you and every single good thing in your life from that point on will be a more or less direct result of your separation.
posted by Sebmojo at 3:09 AM on July 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
Do not look back.
Future you will thank you and every single good thing in your life from that point on will be a more or less direct result of your separation.
posted by Sebmojo at 3:09 AM on July 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
You are drastically over thinking and over analyzing your shitty shitty relationship.
your childhoods, therapy, your nature of expressing your emotions? None of that shit matters here at all.
You two are screaming at each other, breaking things and calling each other insanely hurtful names.
If I said "I hate you" to my wife, she would be gone, tomorrow.
You need to break up with her NOW for both your well-being.
posted by French Fry at 6:17 AM on July 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
your childhoods, therapy, your nature of expressing your emotions? None of that shit matters here at all.
You two are screaming at each other, breaking things and calling each other insanely hurtful names.
If I said "I hate you" to my wife, she would be gone, tomorrow.
You need to break up with her NOW for both your well-being.
posted by French Fry at 6:17 AM on July 17, 2015 [2 favorites]
And as I mentioned earlier, I have often taken steps to leave, but I often back out because I love my partner
If you truly, truly love your partner, help her to be a better person. It starts with you saying, "No more. I will not be treated like this, I do not deserve this, your actions are unacceptable to any decent human being. I can no longer stay with you, because your treatment of me has poisoned our relationship. I truly grieve your departure, but I will not submit to this any longer. Goodbye and farewell."
posted by disconnect at 11:04 AM on July 17, 2015
If you truly, truly love your partner, help her to be a better person. It starts with you saying, "No more. I will not be treated like this, I do not deserve this, your actions are unacceptable to any decent human being. I can no longer stay with you, because your treatment of me has poisoned our relationship. I truly grieve your departure, but I will not submit to this any longer. Goodbye and farewell."
posted by disconnect at 11:04 AM on July 17, 2015
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This thread is closed to new comments.
You and your partner require relief from the dynamic of abuse and trauma you are both participating in. It is no more or less complicated. You need space to fix yourselves before you can be in any relationship.
Use birth control, or better, don't have sex. Bringing a child into this situation would be deeply immoral.
posted by jbenben at 1:48 PM on July 16, 2015 [18 favorites]