Who am I? (Borderline Personality Disorder question)

June 29, 2015 7:00 PM

I grew up in a household with a BPD (borderline personality disorder) father, and although I haven't been officially diagnosed I suspect I might be borderline myself. Now that I'm an adult, I feel like I have little sense of who I really am as an individual; I find myself emulating the personality traits of whomever I'm talking or texting with, for better or worse. I'd like to hear some suggestions on how to improve one's sense of identity so that I feel more like... umm... a whole person?

Some background notes before I get to the question:

- I've been diagnosed with ADD, depression + anxiety (generalized and social). I suspect that I have BPD, but haven't been tested for it. I'm getting meds + therapy for the depression and ADD, but the anxiety's still kind of bad.

- I think my BPD traits are due to both genetics and the environment in which I was raised (I was shy by nature, was rarely asked for my opinion on anything, my Dad + Mom did most of the talking.

- I change my mind all of the time and am wishy-washy. I've been working on this.

- I lie a lot. I don't lie out of malice, but rather out of shame as my life situation isn't spectacular at the moment due to my bad habits.

- I've nurtured throughout the years the bad habits of putting off my problems and procrastinating. My parents definitely enabled this as a child, although I have no excuse for doing so anymore. I've missed out on a lot of opportunities because of what I used to view as 'laziness' but now believe is a lack of confidence in my own abilities.

- I somehow got through a top 50 school with a decent GPA. I didn't even apply for college, my Mom did it for me. Now that I'm on my own, I've been doing a lot of thinking that I probably should have been doing ten years ago.

- I'm a professional at making good first impressions, then letting people down afterwards. It's almost like I want to convince people that I'm no good.

- I'm intimidated when interacting with people who I can tell are as smart or smarter than myself, probably because of a sense of low-self esteem due to my various issues.

- I beat myself up a lot if you couldn't tell.

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The whole 'chameleon' act works better depending on how I'm feeling at the moment. When I'm in a group, I have so many personalities to deal with that I sometimes freeze up and can't get comfortable. I'm usually okay at one-on-ones.

I'd like to be more like some of my friends who talk and act the same no matter who they're talking to; I'm wondering what I can do to work on this problem. I'd appreciate some advice on how to become more comfortable in my own skin, no matter what kind of situation I'm in or person I'm talking with. Some personal anecdotes from anyone who has struggled with identity issues would be great to hear as well.

Thank you.

posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (11 answers total)

Anon, I'd like to share some anecdotes with you if you want, I'm open to mefi-mail as I don't feel comfortable posting my "life story"
posted by Zeratul at 7:11 PM on June 29, 2015

BPD is very stigmatized. I find it more useful to call it Complex PTSD. It's the same thing, essentially, but the diagnosis and symptom list feel more supportive to me, and as a borderline patient, the last thing I need is something else putting me down. I also disagree with the idea (suggested by the borderline personality disorder label) that what we may have is so untreatable. I have found my own symptoms to respond quite well to the right therapy and medication. I doubt that most people, even people who know me very well, would recognize the BPD symptom list as something that relates to me. YMMV, of course, in all things but especially when it comes to mental health.

I also struggle with identity issues. In my own healing journey, identity issues have been the last to go. I wouldn't be surprised if this is common among other patients with BPD or complex PTSD. I see identity issues as a symptom, not the original wound. So I still experience the same sort of thing -- seeing someone I like and resolving to be more like them, even if the idea is nonsensical. It really wouldn't make much sense for me to become more like Indiana Jones, for instance. And really the whole idea is nonsensical; we can only be ourselves as I'm sure you are aware, even if that self feels missing or intangible.

One thing that has helped me has been Tumblr. Not the mental health community per se (I can't speak to that from personal experience but I can say that most people on Tumblr seem to be about fifteen years old, so I personally would not look there for support). I just reblog art and images that I like. It is really satisfying to look back and see the consistency among the images I chose, especially ones from long enough ago that I forgot choosing them. There is a "me" there.

I don't like olives. I decided this when I was about eight. I thought they looked like beetles and I avoided them ever after. Recently I got an unexpected one in a salad. I had it in my mouth without knowing what it was and spit it out in disgust. Then I knew I REALLY didn't like olives.

I think this all sounds like thin gruel to hang your hat on (to unapologetically mix metaphors) but it's something, one of many little things that have helped with this issue. I guess it comes down to "explore who you are." Maybe that's something you never had the space and safety and freedom to do before, right?

P.S. Sometimes I feel more like a school of fish than a single being. I'm not sure that will ever change at this point -- I'm 38. But it is a legitimate kind of being to be, and brings its own gifts, too.

Memail me if you'd like.
posted by gentian at 8:03 PM on June 29, 2015

I could have written this several years ago. My mother is BPD, and despite the fact that I felt like I escaped into adulthood unscathed I had a mental/emotional implosion several years ago that, among other things, revealed PTSD. (And ADD.) A lot of what you write, in my case, fell into the category of trauma. (And ADD.)

Everything you write about wanting to blend in, being wishy-washy, feeling like a fraud, particularly the confidence issues - oh, geez, and the lies - that's exactly how I felt/feel for a number of reasons. My mother would turn on a dime - my sister described it best once when she said she would put the key in the door when she got home from school and never knew who was on the other side of the door. She really, really didn't like me/certain things about me and so I got really good at sitting back, reading her, and then acting/reacting. It makes perfect sense that I have spent the decades since childhood sliding into what I think people want me to be. This, it turns out, has actually been tremendously helpful with regard to the ADD on account of I've never been an outstanding academic performer but I'm *very* charming; I have been able to circumnavigate opportunities with merit-based requirements and land on my feet using good jokes and people-pleasing.

And it sounds like you're receiving professional help right now, but just because they haven't posed trauma as an issue doesn't mean they won't or shouldn't. (And of course just because I say they should look into it doesn't mean they should.) I did not realize the extent to which the childhood trauma was crippling me until I finally started treating it (EDMR, for me, has been enormously successful).

This is not very helpful I guess except to say that I identify with almost everything that you've written. Finally being treated for trauma has completely changed my life. The lies have almost disappeared, I am so much better at being myself - the same person no matter who I'm with, plus or minus obvious social conventions. I can say no to people, and - this seems dumb, but my god it's big for me - stuff like, "what do you guys want on your pizza?" is a question I actually answer with what I want on my pizza instead of "aw, geez, I'll eat whatever." And I successfully asserted a need in my relationship this past year and it was terrifying and I'd rather eat 24 pairs of sneakers than ever experience that cold white terror again but I did it and I was not rejected for having a need.

So that's me not oversharing. I feel for you and I wish you the best. You are welcome to message me too if you want more info.
posted by good lorneing at 8:07 PM on June 29, 2015

several someones close to me have borderline, and while genetics contribute, trauma is a big big part in triggering, and processing that trauma, having years in therapy and learning tools to deal with emotions and being nurtured has helped some of them enormously. You may not have borderline, it's a complicated diagnosis, you may be ptsd and/or depressed, or something else. a very good psychiatrist is enormously helpful and worth searching for.

But for personality - I am recently separated from a partner who overrode a lot of who I am, and I've spent six months trying to figure out what I like away from his pressure. It's been terrifying and freeing simultaneously. One thing that helped was to get a sharpie and write on the back of my bathroom door things I liked. I wrote names of people I loved, new food I discovered I liked, new music, from big to little things. I didn't write down what I don't like - just started discarding those things. I have a mostly empty wardrobe and shelves, but the things on them, the things I do now, are things I like.

Start with little things. Write them down. Add a new thing every day, a new experience or a new object or a new person. And probably at least once a week, one of those things will "Hey, that's me!" click.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 10:56 PM on June 29, 2015

I'm BPD, and struggle with many of the same identity issues. Difficult to write a really in depth thing on my phone, so tldr version:

Keep a journal or Tumblr as suggested above. Seek out things you like. Look back from time to time and discern patterns.

Make lists of things you like--movies, ethical dilemmas, whatever. Look for patterns.

Look into DBT. if it is successful for you it can change your life.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:45 PM on June 29, 2015

I found the book Something More: Excavating Your Authentic Self to be enlightening as well as fun to work through. One of the things the book recommends is doing an "illustrated discovery journal" where you collect images of things that appeal to you from magazines, covering a broad range of personal tastes including your personal style, success, spirituality, relationships, decorating, etc. The whole process is supposed to help you discover your passions, tastes and preferences so you can bring more of what you love into your life and let go of things that are not authentically "you."
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 1:22 AM on June 30, 2015

When my always difficult mother was finally diagnosed with BPD, my psychiatrist had me read "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me." It helped me immensely.
posted by Carol Anne at 5:42 AM on June 30, 2015

My journey to selfhood began two years ago. Writing longhand, sometimes in a journal, sometimes on paper that I shredded immediately, helped immensely.

I deliberately went through my things and my life to discard whatever was "not me" but was what I called "given to me" through family and expectations. I threw a lot of shit into the recycle bin, including long-held belief systems.

The flip side was deciding what to count as "is me" which included current aspects of me plus trying new things to see how they fit. A few months ago I tried doing some art and discovered a specific form that was oh-so-very-much me.

The process is not smooth, not linear. It goes from bumbling to leaping to stalled to doubtful with no predictable course. The best things happened when I simply walked through the doors that opened for me.

It seems best when I stop trying and simply allow the discovery and creation of the self to emerge. Which is fucking cool when you think about it. The upside of having no self for all our lives is that we get to build it consciously to our own design.
posted by trinity8-director at 11:42 AM on June 30, 2015

Boundaries might be a useful area to put your attention to in addition to exploring the world and identifying "love", "like", "meh", and "nope."

One basic way to start to figure out what boundaries are is paying attention to how comfortable you feel getting physically close to other people. I've had experiences from wanting to be right next to each other to having to stay oh the opposite side of the room from someone. This physical level of comfort with being close/far from people extends into the emotional realm both in terms with what we're comfortable sharing with other people (and things like professional standards often fall into here) and a more intangible sense of where we end and others begin. The last can be rather subtle - I have three rings around my "core" of varying density and purpose which allow me to assess my and others' emotions, for example, but they are all pretty much intangible except for those Aura photography machines - but once you have a solid basis in the first two you might be able to recognize how you differentiate between yourself and others.

Another possibly useful image - one of the psychological constructs Carl Jung talks about is the persona - literally the "mask" - that we wear in different circumstances and for different purposes. One way to make the various personas you've learned to adopt more concrete could be finding or making masks or mask-like objects like dolls, internet avatars, drawings, etc... This can be part of your exploring for what you like, as one persona might work best with pastel colors and feathers while another resonates with jewel tones and gold lame. In the end, you will likely discover you like both, but in differing amounts or in different contexts. Once these personas are more concrete, you can try them on as you wish and see how you feel about their edges - where they chafe, where they fit perfectly - and that will give you a clearer sense of who you are beneath the personas.

The beating up on yourself is harder. One short-cut I've found is the "would you say that if you were your own friend" standard. If I wouldn't say something like that to a friend, then I try to not say it to myself - and that extends to not saying mean things to myself when I don't meet this standard as well. Another short cut is the "practicing kindness" short-cut. If I say to myself that I'm practicing being kind on myself so I can be kinder to others, it sometimes tricks me into being kind to myself.

Is there anyone you trust to tell about this? Being seen in all of our multiplicity can be a powerful experience. If there's someone you know who you trust to be kind, it might be worth it to confide in them.
posted by Deoridhe at 7:42 PM on June 30, 2015

Another thought. When I was first diagnosed and was being angsty about it, my psychiatrist pointed out that the shifting identity thing can be really, really useful. We can be adept in really varied social situations (chameleon), and we're good at taking on new challenges. It's not all doom and gloom.

Also memail if you like. No access to the email in my profile right now.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:34 PM on June 30, 2015

When I'm in a group, I have so many personalities to deal with that I sometimes freeze up and can't get comfortable.

Yup, this was me. The root of this is that subconsciously you believe you must please all the people. With more than one person, the anxiety of having to read the minds of and please all the different people can cause a meltdown, especially when you intuit that some people want conflicting things of you e.g. He likes demure people but She likes outgoing people.

I had to give myself permission to be disliked by people for quasi legitimate reasons. Be outgoing if I feel outgoing, and if he doesn't like it because it's just a turn off to him then that's his choice. Just like how I might not care for certain people because of my whims and preferences, so others will sometime feel towards me and that's ok.

That's what I can offer you here - retrain yourself to believe that you can live without other people's approval. You must feel this in your bones. Challenge the desire to please others bit by bit. Say and do things that are different from what you sense people want, just to see how they respond. Can they accept it or do they double down on their disapproval? Now start aligning what you say with how you think and feel, getting in touch with yourself using the ways others have suggested above. Slowly desensitize yourself of the bad feelings of disapproval. Then you can be yourself.
posted by serenity soonish at 12:45 PM on July 1, 2015