Help me to stop my son going off the rails
May 27, 2015 7:03 AM
I'm worried about my young adult son and I need some advice to help him get out of his negative mind set and weed smoking funk, and to start living a fuller life.
I don’t know whether I am helping or hurting my young adult son.
He’s 22 and, without making it sound too dramatic, I’m worried that he’s teetering on the brink of something awful.
Some facts worth pointing out that will have some relevance:
1. He’s one of a pair of identical twins.
2. He’s had a bedwetting problem for most of his life.
3. He smokes weed….possibly too much.
4. His mother and I split up when he was about 11.
The current state of play is that his mother, who has remarried, has kicked him out permanently due to his weed smoking and fecklessness. He doesn’t last in jobs long, when he does work, and doesn’t seem to know which direction he’s going. His mother can be quite highly strung, so I think it was always on the cards that this would happen as they regularly lock horns.. I don’t blame her, but I do feel she has contributed to his malaise in some ways with erratic behaviour and her own depression.
He’s also fallen out with his brother and they are not speaking.
He is a lovely lad with a kind heart, but I’ve noticed how negative he can be about life and he can lose his temper quickly. I think a lot of this is caused by the bedwetting, which has improved, but he still has accidents.
We have scheduled to see a doctor about this, but it’s such an awful problem to have at his age and I feel like it must be having a devastating effect on his self esteem.
He doesn't have a girlfriend and seems to have shunned or drifted away from previous friends, partly because he usually hangs out with his brother all the time.
Today we had a row because I thought he was being lazy. He can be. He’s willing to work but doesn’t seem to try very hard to find any. In the last couple of weeks I’ve been looking for jobs for him, and arranging interviews. I feel like I may not be helping, as this may be a bit controlling. But I know that once he gets into a good routine things will start to look up for him.
I threatened to kick him out today, but reneged on it because he would have absolutely nowhere to go, and I can’t see him homeless as I feel this could see him spiral into more serious drug use and depression.
Does anyone have any advice they could give me.
I feel like I’m his last salvation.
I don’t know whether I am helping or hurting my young adult son.
He’s 22 and, without making it sound too dramatic, I’m worried that he’s teetering on the brink of something awful.
Some facts worth pointing out that will have some relevance:
1. He’s one of a pair of identical twins.
2. He’s had a bedwetting problem for most of his life.
3. He smokes weed….possibly too much.
4. His mother and I split up when he was about 11.
The current state of play is that his mother, who has remarried, has kicked him out permanently due to his weed smoking and fecklessness. He doesn’t last in jobs long, when he does work, and doesn’t seem to know which direction he’s going. His mother can be quite highly strung, so I think it was always on the cards that this would happen as they regularly lock horns.. I don’t blame her, but I do feel she has contributed to his malaise in some ways with erratic behaviour and her own depression.
He’s also fallen out with his brother and they are not speaking.
He is a lovely lad with a kind heart, but I’ve noticed how negative he can be about life and he can lose his temper quickly. I think a lot of this is caused by the bedwetting, which has improved, but he still has accidents.
We have scheduled to see a doctor about this, but it’s such an awful problem to have at his age and I feel like it must be having a devastating effect on his self esteem.
He doesn't have a girlfriend and seems to have shunned or drifted away from previous friends, partly because he usually hangs out with his brother all the time.
Today we had a row because I thought he was being lazy. He can be. He’s willing to work but doesn’t seem to try very hard to find any. In the last couple of weeks I’ve been looking for jobs for him, and arranging interviews. I feel like I may not be helping, as this may be a bit controlling. But I know that once he gets into a good routine things will start to look up for him.
I threatened to kick him out today, but reneged on it because he would have absolutely nowhere to go, and I can’t see him homeless as I feel this could see him spiral into more serious drug use and depression.
Does anyone have any advice they could give me.
I feel like I’m his last salvation.
I feel like these are ALL solvable problems and you need professional intervention to tackle them.
- Doctor for bed wetting. At this point without improvement it's probably the result of a medical issue. Or has he been to doctors before?
- Marijuana is self-medicating. The job thing is also a sign. Does he have an information processing disorder or learning disability? ADHD? Dyslexia? Autism? Professional and appropriate diagnosis is called for here. Stat.
I'm sure the laziness and depression would be greatly relieved by addressing these core issues with medical professionals. Once he is properly diagnosed and treated, he might need drug rehab, but maybe cross that bridge after he gets the underlying issues addressed? This is someone who needs a whole new way of living. He can't get there without having his medical needs addressed.
posted by jbenben at 7:19 AM on May 27, 2015
- Doctor for bed wetting. At this point without improvement it's probably the result of a medical issue. Or has he been to doctors before?
- Marijuana is self-medicating. The job thing is also a sign. Does he have an information processing disorder or learning disability? ADHD? Dyslexia? Autism? Professional and appropriate diagnosis is called for here. Stat.
I'm sure the laziness and depression would be greatly relieved by addressing these core issues with medical professionals. Once he is properly diagnosed and treated, he might need drug rehab, but maybe cross that bridge after he gets the underlying issues addressed? This is someone who needs a whole new way of living. He can't get there without having his medical needs addressed.
posted by jbenben at 7:19 AM on May 27, 2015
Forget his mother and brother- clean the slate. Don't force them to reconcile. In fact, hope they don't for at least 6 months.
Meantime, do get professional help for the bed wetting issue.
If he is applying for jobs that screen for drugs, he MUST not smoke long enough to pass.
Make him do household chores on a regular schedule. Print out a calendar, even. Just taking out the trash every week would help. Doesn't have to be much. Don't make him clean his room- that's his space. But have him help with "community chores."
Does he have a stepmother or step siblings or other family who may be a good influence?
This is what he needs. Stability > job > friends or girlfriend > want own place > move out.
posted by quincunx at 7:29 AM on May 27, 2015
Meantime, do get professional help for the bed wetting issue.
If he is applying for jobs that screen for drugs, he MUST not smoke long enough to pass.
Make him do household chores on a regular schedule. Print out a calendar, even. Just taking out the trash every week would help. Doesn't have to be much. Don't make him clean his room- that's his space. But have him help with "community chores."
Does he have a stepmother or step siblings or other family who may be a good influence?
This is what he needs. Stability > job > friends or girlfriend > want own place > move out.
posted by quincunx at 7:29 AM on May 27, 2015
Ease up on the personal criticism. "I'm bothered that you didn't do the chores we discussed" is fine, but don't use words like "lazy."
posted by salvia at 8:04 AM on May 27, 2015
posted by salvia at 8:04 AM on May 27, 2015
Also, this : "He doesn't have a girlfriend and seems to have shunned or drifted away from previous friends, partly because he usually hangs out with his brother all the time."
This along with bedwetting and self-medicating strongly indicates your son has an undiagnosed medical condition going on that interferes with his ability to function. Anything from a vitamin deficiency, to environmental allergy or toxin, to information processing issues to thyroid issue to a psychiatric disorder - there's something medically going on with him. If it is nerve or neurological related, that might be behind the bedwetting, too.
I'm providing all of these possibilities because while one can get depressed and become physically unable to function normally, it would be a shame to treat him with anti-depressants and "structure" if he has underlying medical issues that will undermine him overall. When he fails again likely due to an untreated medical condition, it will make him feel 10X more hopeless than he does now.
Keep seeing doctors. Become a good advocate for better medical care. Or maybe just keep believing he's lazy and awkward? That kinda hasn't worked so far, has it? Try this avenue instead. Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 8:05 AM on May 27, 2015
This along with bedwetting and self-medicating strongly indicates your son has an undiagnosed medical condition going on that interferes with his ability to function. Anything from a vitamin deficiency, to environmental allergy or toxin, to information processing issues to thyroid issue to a psychiatric disorder - there's something medically going on with him. If it is nerve or neurological related, that might be behind the bedwetting, too.
I'm providing all of these possibilities because while one can get depressed and become physically unable to function normally, it would be a shame to treat him with anti-depressants and "structure" if he has underlying medical issues that will undermine him overall. When he fails again likely due to an untreated medical condition, it will make him feel 10X more hopeless than he does now.
Keep seeing doctors. Become a good advocate for better medical care. Or maybe just keep believing he's lazy and awkward? That kinda hasn't worked so far, has it? Try this avenue instead. Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 8:05 AM on May 27, 2015
Strongly seconding jbenben. Consider seeing an endocrinologist (bedwedding can be related to various hormonal problems).
posted by Wretch729 at 8:10 AM on May 27, 2015
posted by Wretch729 at 8:10 AM on May 27, 2015
Before anyone does anything else - Son needs to get to a doctor, stat. You say he has a doctor's appointment set up - good! Has he been under a doctor's care for his bedwetting and/or mental health issues? If so, has there been any improvement? The bedwetting is definitely a medical issue, at his age. And it could very well be that treating the bedwetting issue will help get the other issues under control; for one thing, being an adult who still wets the bed is humiliating and shame around this issue might very well be contributing to the depression, weed smoking, and lack of social life.
I think the best thing you can do for your son right now is to be a staunch advocate for him to get the proper medical care. Push to get his bedwetting issue and mental health problems he has (depression, ADHD, or whatever is diagnosed) fixed - don't accept a shrug or a "wear diapers to bed!" or any of that crap - change doctors if you have to. Then you can tackle the "fecklessness" - and since the fecklessness and lack of social life are most likely caused by the physical issues, getting those fixed is essential.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 8:13 AM on May 27, 2015
I think the best thing you can do for your son right now is to be a staunch advocate for him to get the proper medical care. Push to get his bedwetting issue and mental health problems he has (depression, ADHD, or whatever is diagnosed) fixed - don't accept a shrug or a "wear diapers to bed!" or any of that crap - change doctors if you have to. Then you can tackle the "fecklessness" - and since the fecklessness and lack of social life are most likely caused by the physical issues, getting those fixed is essential.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 8:13 AM on May 27, 2015
One of the things I see happening to folks all around me is that the people who provide them with services (food, clothing, housing, etc) often see themselves as being in a position to make better decisions about a person's life than the person is able to do so for themself. This leads to "tough love" and "teaching them a lesson" and other such, pardon, bullshit. No human being should ever, ever teach another adult a "lesson". It's not just condescending and a total morale destroyer but based on a kind of knowledge about the universe and deep cognitive processes that A) no one has and B) no one can ever have.
Does it "work" sometimes? I guess, in that people improve their lives while other people are treating them like this. Is there ever a causal relationship? Maybe, occasionally, but all I tend to see is people falling back into their previous behavior. (Or improving themselves but on their own terms).
There is no one or hundred correct ways to live one's life. I have allowed all sorts of things to happen to me for reasons I'll never really understand but once I hit the bottom I was able to finally, as a 43 year old person, start living my life in such a way that I found meaningful and of value. Being charitable to myself I can say that I spent 42 years learning about life and gaining the necessary knowledge to find a purpose for living. Uncharitably my life was meaningless and without value for 42 years.
At his age he probably will not have an easy time of figuring out what would give his life meaning so he's probably going to continue going down a dark path for a while.
Besides the obvious medical issue which everyone here has dealt with (and you seem to be dealing with), the next step is helping your son find a reason to value his life. This does not entail telling him how to live his life, or making him get a job, or making friends, or whatever. It turns out, based on what little I can tell, that while a lot of people are able to have fulfilling and meaningful and valuable lives based on conventional approaches (job, sobriety, education, romantic involvements, social lives, shopping, watching TV, sports, etc) there are some who just cannot do this. Period. Unfortunately we live in a time and a place that thoroughly condemns any approach to life that isn't conventional.
Or they can but they have to reach that on their own terms. If your son is one of these types then as difficult as this might be, I would suggest giving him space and giving him the kind of unconditional love and support that many of us need. It's not about telling him what to do or even encouraging him to get out their and be happy but listening to his concerns and dreams and accepting them. Of course since you're his father (I presume) there might be too much baggage here and he might not be able to trust that you really want to listen and provide the kind of emotional support that he actually needs (and not that you think he should need). And I have little faith in professionals (or that most of them would actually know how to handle this situation/be able to handle it properly). So for now just provide the space and the non-judgements.
Once he begins to feel like his life has value or can be meaningful and if he feels like he's being given the chance to live a life then maybe he'll start working toward those things that will bring long term fulfilment to his life. What those things are, who knows, but maybe he'll be able to figure them out.
I'm not religious but the story of the prodigal son seems relevant.
Obviously all my advice here is very autobiographical and probably of little use. Finding him a job probably isn't the best approach (as you seem to have intuited). Reneging on your threat to kick him out was definitely a good thing as finding meaning in life is very difficult when living on the streets. You can't really know what's best for him (or anyone or even yourself(!)) but if you give him space and general unconditional support (which can be a very difficult thing to do) he might find a way out.
Of course he might also have a mental condition that can be successfully treated with medication. I don't really know much about that sort of thing. In spite (or because?) of the fact that people all around me are on medication.
Anyway, I'm rambling. I guess the bottom line is to not let your first thoughts about how he should live his life and what you think he should be doing be the final thoughts you have about him.
posted by bfootdav at 9:08 AM on May 27, 2015
Does it "work" sometimes? I guess, in that people improve their lives while other people are treating them like this. Is there ever a causal relationship? Maybe, occasionally, but all I tend to see is people falling back into their previous behavior. (Or improving themselves but on their own terms).
There is no one or hundred correct ways to live one's life. I have allowed all sorts of things to happen to me for reasons I'll never really understand but once I hit the bottom I was able to finally, as a 43 year old person, start living my life in such a way that I found meaningful and of value. Being charitable to myself I can say that I spent 42 years learning about life and gaining the necessary knowledge to find a purpose for living. Uncharitably my life was meaningless and without value for 42 years.
At his age he probably will not have an easy time of figuring out what would give his life meaning so he's probably going to continue going down a dark path for a while.
Besides the obvious medical issue which everyone here has dealt with (and you seem to be dealing with), the next step is helping your son find a reason to value his life. This does not entail telling him how to live his life, or making him get a job, or making friends, or whatever. It turns out, based on what little I can tell, that while a lot of people are able to have fulfilling and meaningful and valuable lives based on conventional approaches (job, sobriety, education, romantic involvements, social lives, shopping, watching TV, sports, etc) there are some who just cannot do this. Period. Unfortunately we live in a time and a place that thoroughly condemns any approach to life that isn't conventional.
Or they can but they have to reach that on their own terms. If your son is one of these types then as difficult as this might be, I would suggest giving him space and giving him the kind of unconditional love and support that many of us need. It's not about telling him what to do or even encouraging him to get out their and be happy but listening to his concerns and dreams and accepting them. Of course since you're his father (I presume) there might be too much baggage here and he might not be able to trust that you really want to listen and provide the kind of emotional support that he actually needs (and not that you think he should need). And I have little faith in professionals (or that most of them would actually know how to handle this situation/be able to handle it properly). So for now just provide the space and the non-judgements.
Once he begins to feel like his life has value or can be meaningful and if he feels like he's being given the chance to live a life then maybe he'll start working toward those things that will bring long term fulfilment to his life. What those things are, who knows, but maybe he'll be able to figure them out.
I'm not religious but the story of the prodigal son seems relevant.
Obviously all my advice here is very autobiographical and probably of little use. Finding him a job probably isn't the best approach (as you seem to have intuited). Reneging on your threat to kick him out was definitely a good thing as finding meaning in life is very difficult when living on the streets. You can't really know what's best for him (or anyone or even yourself(!)) but if you give him space and general unconditional support (which can be a very difficult thing to do) he might find a way out.
Of course he might also have a mental condition that can be successfully treated with medication. I don't really know much about that sort of thing. In spite (or because?) of the fact that people all around me are on medication.
Anyway, I'm rambling. I guess the bottom line is to not let your first thoughts about how he should live his life and what you think he should be doing be the final thoughts you have about him.
posted by bfootdav at 9:08 AM on May 27, 2015
Chiming in to reinforce, amongst other issues (family stuff, bedwetting) and the depression that some have suggested, the possibility that your son has a focusing deficiency--- ADD can look like laziness the same way that an acute stress reaction can look like calm.
Its awesome that you're making moves on this!
posted by Poppa Bear at 9:21 AM on May 27, 2015
Its awesome that you're making moves on this!
posted by Poppa Bear at 9:21 AM on May 27, 2015
You have my sympathy. I think the advice to get him to a doctor which many people have given above is spot on. One of my children went through a longish period of frighteningly self-destructive behaviour and the only advice I feel qualified to offer is this, based on the positive things that happened as we were going through it.
I threatened to kick him out today, but reneged on it because he would have absolutely nowhere to go, and I can’t see him homeless as I feel this could see him spiral into more serious drug use and depression.
Talk to him about this. Tell him what it was made you so cross - an adult doesn't generally put up with another adult being lazy all up in their space - tell him why you changed your mind, and if you're sorry you lost your temper, tell him that. Tell him how you feel, what your fears are, why you're frightened for him. Ask him how he feels about the situation and if he's as frightened as you. Be prepared to listen (from what you've said, I'm sure you are.) Remember listening isn't the same as coming up with answers. Try and make him understand you have his back, you're doing your best, you love him etc - I don't know about you but that sort of thing is very hard for me to say, and it was necessary to say it. And try and make a space where you're not talking or suggesting but he knows you absolutely are going to listen if he genuinely is going to talk about what's on his mind.
This isn't the same as letting him shout at you or be unreasonable or inconsiderate, and I think it is healthy to insist on basic politeness and consideration, you know, like you would from a room mate, because your son is an adult.
Best wishes and I hope the two of you come through this ok.
posted by glasseyes at 9:36 AM on May 27, 2015
I threatened to kick him out today, but reneged on it because he would have absolutely nowhere to go, and I can’t see him homeless as I feel this could see him spiral into more serious drug use and depression.
Talk to him about this. Tell him what it was made you so cross - an adult doesn't generally put up with another adult being lazy all up in their space - tell him why you changed your mind, and if you're sorry you lost your temper, tell him that. Tell him how you feel, what your fears are, why you're frightened for him. Ask him how he feels about the situation and if he's as frightened as you. Be prepared to listen (from what you've said, I'm sure you are.) Remember listening isn't the same as coming up with answers. Try and make him understand you have his back, you're doing your best, you love him etc - I don't know about you but that sort of thing is very hard for me to say, and it was necessary to say it. And try and make a space where you're not talking or suggesting but he knows you absolutely are going to listen if he genuinely is going to talk about what's on his mind.
This isn't the same as letting him shout at you or be unreasonable or inconsiderate, and I think it is healthy to insist on basic politeness and consideration, you know, like you would from a room mate, because your son is an adult.
Best wishes and I hope the two of you come through this ok.
posted by glasseyes at 9:36 AM on May 27, 2015
You might find this book interesting: The Film Club: A True Story of a Father and Son -- it's not a method I've tried out but I heard some interviews with Gilmour when it came out and some of his approach in terms of valuing the relationship over his son's accomplishments has stayed with me as a kind of...counter-cultural option.
posted by warriorqueen at 9:52 AM on May 27, 2015
posted by warriorqueen at 9:52 AM on May 27, 2015
There is a fairly strong association between bedwetting (enuresis) and ADHD.
posted by aniola at 11:00 AM on May 27, 2015
posted by aniola at 11:00 AM on May 27, 2015
One thing I have seen in situations like this is that the parent approaches this issue with their child in the same way he or she has approached every issue-- identify the problem and the child's reactions to the parent, attempt to figure out the "right" thing to do in order to get the desired response, and then figure that the problem will be solved once the right answer is found.
Unfortunately, it doesn't quite work that way, and the problem is basically a personal relationship issue: your son does what he wants to do, and no amount of begging will change that. It is also beyond your capability to solve: your son obviously has various medical issues that are affecting him which impede his ability to make his way in the world. So you have to accept that this is all in some way out of your hands without the aid of a professional to get your son psychologically and physiologically on track. It is not a matter of how figuring out how your relationship with him and interactions with him will solve it.
posted by bright colored sock puppet at 11:15 AM on May 27, 2015
Unfortunately, it doesn't quite work that way, and the problem is basically a personal relationship issue: your son does what he wants to do, and no amount of begging will change that. It is also beyond your capability to solve: your son obviously has various medical issues that are affecting him which impede his ability to make his way in the world. So you have to accept that this is all in some way out of your hands without the aid of a professional to get your son psychologically and physiologically on track. It is not a matter of how figuring out how your relationship with him and interactions with him will solve it.
posted by bright colored sock puppet at 11:15 AM on May 27, 2015
Yes, yes, yes to getting a firm medical diagnosis to get to the bottom of what's causing the bed-wetting.
I would also suggest some family counseling for the both of you, so you can learn some good communication skills. With better communication skills you might not find yourself in the position of threatening to evict your son and then having regrets and then having to go back on that decision.
I think it's fair to make counseling a condition of staying with you. I also think it's fair to come up with some agreed up and reasonable contributions you son needs to make to the household (taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, cleaning the bathrooms, making dinner once a week). He does need to take some responsibility for himself and making a contribution to the household is a way of doing that.
I would step away from setting up job interviews for your son. If he's not ready for that, then you're setting him up for failure and more negative reinforcement. Anything you do for your son should only happen after you two have agreed upon the plan of action. And anything you do for your son should be a joint effort; you shouldn't be doing 100% of the work.
posted by brookeb at 11:36 AM on May 27, 2015
I would also suggest some family counseling for the both of you, so you can learn some good communication skills. With better communication skills you might not find yourself in the position of threatening to evict your son and then having regrets and then having to go back on that decision.
I think it's fair to make counseling a condition of staying with you. I also think it's fair to come up with some agreed up and reasonable contributions you son needs to make to the household (taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, cleaning the bathrooms, making dinner once a week). He does need to take some responsibility for himself and making a contribution to the household is a way of doing that.
I would step away from setting up job interviews for your son. If he's not ready for that, then you're setting him up for failure and more negative reinforcement. Anything you do for your son should only happen after you two have agreed upon the plan of action. And anything you do for your son should be a joint effort; you shouldn't be doing 100% of the work.
posted by brookeb at 11:36 AM on May 27, 2015
Concur with everyone who suggests a visit to the doctor for bedwetting. Most bedwetters stop at puberty, so there is some evidence that bedwetting is connected to hormonal changes. I would go further than just a trip to the doctor and suggest a complete physical including full bloodwork, that includes checking his testosterone and other hormone levels.
Bedwetting - jesus. It's so demoralizing and defeating. Every day that you wet the bed is a day you start with failure. It's so hard to overcome when you are literally soaking in it. Attack that problem first, and it will be easier to solve the others.
Signed,
Sibling and I both wet the bed until puberty.
posted by ereshkigal45 at 1:04 PM on May 27, 2015
Bedwetting - jesus. It's so demoralizing and defeating. Every day that you wet the bed is a day you start with failure. It's so hard to overcome when you are literally soaking in it. Attack that problem first, and it will be easier to solve the others.
Signed,
Sibling and I both wet the bed until puberty.
posted by ereshkigal45 at 1:04 PM on May 27, 2015
What's your son say he wants to do? Where does he see his life taking him? Does he have any ambitions? What does he think about this situation he's in now? I doubt he has the answers right now, which is why he's is in a funk, but he must have some ideas. I find it odd that his perspective is missing from your question. You're clearly a caring dad, but are you listening to him?
He doesn't have a girlfriend...
So what? Lots of 22 year-old men don't have girlfriends. I'm sure he doesn't like parental pressure about finding one. And with his medical condition, he's probably nervous about sharing a bed with someone right now.
In the last couple of weeks I’ve been looking for jobs for him, and arranging interviews.
Help him with his job search, but don't do it for him. Pushing him into a job he doesn't want and hasn't searched for himself seems an unlikely way for him to establish independence.
Maybe encourage him to start doing some volunteering (but let him choose what type). He needs to get out of the house, be around new people, and find some worth. Going into a volunteer job regularly will help him start to develop work habits.
posted by Leontine at 1:43 PM on May 27, 2015
He doesn't have a girlfriend...
So what? Lots of 22 year-old men don't have girlfriends. I'm sure he doesn't like parental pressure about finding one. And with his medical condition, he's probably nervous about sharing a bed with someone right now.
In the last couple of weeks I’ve been looking for jobs for him, and arranging interviews.
Help him with his job search, but don't do it for him. Pushing him into a job he doesn't want and hasn't searched for himself seems an unlikely way for him to establish independence.
Maybe encourage him to start doing some volunteering (but let him choose what type). He needs to get out of the house, be around new people, and find some worth. Going into a volunteer job regularly will help him start to develop work habits.
posted by Leontine at 1:43 PM on May 27, 2015
If you can, see a urologist and avoid anything pediatric.
My hunch is that the "identical-Twin" thing is at the heart of this. Now that his sibling is ready to launch, perhaps he's feeling under-developed as his own person? What is something that he likes to do, even when he was a kid, and do that with him. Favorite place to hike? Card/board game?
posted by childofTethys at 2:15 PM on May 27, 2015
My hunch is that the "identical-Twin" thing is at the heart of this. Now that his sibling is ready to launch, perhaps he's feeling under-developed as his own person? What is something that he likes to do, even when he was a kid, and do that with him. Favorite place to hike? Card/board game?
posted by childofTethys at 2:15 PM on May 27, 2015
Wow - he needs to see a doctor and therapist or psychiatrist about the depression and a doctor to get meds for the bedwetting. Also a career counselor and some serious help to stop smoking pot. Sit him down, tell him you love him and set out to parent him for one more year through all this with the plan that he will launch in one year.
posted by Toddles at 10:01 PM on May 27, 2015
posted by Toddles at 10:01 PM on May 27, 2015
Thank you all for taking the time to offer some very good advice. One thing I'm a bit worried about is that maybe I have depicted him as having more serious mental health issues then is the case. I'm in no way qualified to say this, apart from being his dad, but I'd say at the moment he probably has a case of mild depression. To be fair to him I think he has cut down on his weed smoking, and he has expressed that this is something he wants to do. He also plays football regularly, so he is doing some form of physical activity. He has worked for the last week as well, though it is casual work.
Most of you have stated this, and it is my main area of concern, and that is the bedwetting. I also agree that if I can help him to stop this, everything else will improve. Happily for the last week, whilst he has been living with me, it hasn't happened. So perhaps he found living with his mum stressful and this was the result? I don't know, but we have a doctor's appointment scheduled. We have been a couple of times before, but he has never followed through when it came to the hospital appointments that followed his visit to GP. I can understand because it's such an embarrassing problem to have, and probably feels quite demeaning to have to go through explaining it to a stranger. I've praised his courage in the past for even going to see the doctor, and I have gone with him for moral support.
I just want to help him, without coming across as controlling. I think he lacks motivation, and I feel if I can kick start him he will be able to plough on by his own steam.
My flat is tiny and not really suitable for two people, so I will probably have to find a new place to live as it looks like he's going to be with me for a while and being on top of each other can cause tension. It's a shame because I love where I live, but it's rented and for some time I've thought about trying to get a mortgage, so maybe this is the kick start that I need.
posted by blokefromipanema at 1:58 AM on May 28, 2015
Most of you have stated this, and it is my main area of concern, and that is the bedwetting. I also agree that if I can help him to stop this, everything else will improve. Happily for the last week, whilst he has been living with me, it hasn't happened. So perhaps he found living with his mum stressful and this was the result? I don't know, but we have a doctor's appointment scheduled. We have been a couple of times before, but he has never followed through when it came to the hospital appointments that followed his visit to GP. I can understand because it's such an embarrassing problem to have, and probably feels quite demeaning to have to go through explaining it to a stranger. I've praised his courage in the past for even going to see the doctor, and I have gone with him for moral support.
I just want to help him, without coming across as controlling. I think he lacks motivation, and I feel if I can kick start him he will be able to plough on by his own steam.
My flat is tiny and not really suitable for two people, so I will probably have to find a new place to live as it looks like he's going to be with me for a while and being on top of each other can cause tension. It's a shame because I love where I live, but it's rented and for some time I've thought about trying to get a mortgage, so maybe this is the kick start that I need.
posted by blokefromipanema at 1:58 AM on May 28, 2015
I would be careful on the motivation vs depression thing. You're his Dad, but you don't know his whole internal landscape. My husband and his Dad butted heads for decades about my husband's "motivation levels". Turns out he had major depression and was diabetic - and yes, honestly, between the two of us, we're fine with him working the 40 hours a week he works, instead of the 70-90 hours a week his Dad worked for every week of his working life. Also, I've seen it happen time and again where a parent harps on a child so much about laziness and motivation that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. I would say suggest actionable items ("If you're going to live here, you need to do your share of chores around the house") as opposed to vague concern ("I'm worried about your motivation levels"). Good luck!
posted by RogueTech at 9:04 AM on May 28, 2015
posted by RogueTech at 9:04 AM on May 28, 2015
I'd just like to give an update on this.
It's been about a month, and since I last posted he has got himself a good job. It's an apprenticeship. I helped him find and apply for it, but he had to go to two interviews and do his research. He's also cut down on the weed a bit...I think....and his night time problem has more or less disappeared. It's only happened a couple of times.
So there has been progress.
But I have to keep myself in check because I find myself getting agitated about some of his habits and I worry that he will mess up in this job as I do think he has a lazy attitude and his time keeping is not good. I can envisage trying to wake him up for work (it's an early start) and him biting my head off (he gets very snappy when you try and wake him) and that goes down badly with me as I will probably bite back.
I veer between wanting to dish out tough love and praising him for his achievements thus far.
posted by blokefromipanema at 2:04 AM on June 24, 2015
It's been about a month, and since I last posted he has got himself a good job. It's an apprenticeship. I helped him find and apply for it, but he had to go to two interviews and do his research. He's also cut down on the weed a bit...I think....and his night time problem has more or less disappeared. It's only happened a couple of times.
So there has been progress.
But I have to keep myself in check because I find myself getting agitated about some of his habits and I worry that he will mess up in this job as I do think he has a lazy attitude and his time keeping is not good. I can envisage trying to wake him up for work (it's an early start) and him biting my head off (he gets very snappy when you try and wake him) and that goes down badly with me as I will probably bite back.
I veer between wanting to dish out tough love and praising him for his achievements thus far.
posted by blokefromipanema at 2:04 AM on June 24, 2015
Congratulations on keeping yourself in check! I'm so happy for you.
Here's one approach, if it helps: focus on the positive. For example, when you find yourself worrying that he has a lazy attitude, redirect that energy into focusing on the fact that he has gotten himself a good job as an apprentice, and that he continues to keep that job. Focus on the fact that there has been progress. I believe that overall this will to have a positive impact on your relationship with your son.
Keep up the good work.
posted by aniola at 4:43 PM on June 26, 2015
Here's one approach, if it helps: focus on the positive. For example, when you find yourself worrying that he has a lazy attitude, redirect that energy into focusing on the fact that he has gotten himself a good job as an apprentice, and that he continues to keep that job. Focus on the fact that there has been progress. I believe that overall this will to have a positive impact on your relationship with your son.
Keep up the good work.
posted by aniola at 4:43 PM on June 26, 2015
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posted by DarlingBri at 7:12 AM on May 27, 2015