A headhunter for therapists? Does such a thing exist?

May 25, 2015 4:45 PM

Let's get right to it. I would gladly play a very large sum of money to someone if they could find me a therapist/counselor/LSCW/psychologist/psychiatrist/WTFever that could ACTUALLY help me with my problems. Someone who could understand my situation with clarity and then go find, question, interview, whatever until they find somebody that will work for me and for me and my girlfriend. I am beyond sick of the standard operating procedure of 1) initial evaluation "Oh, yeah, I can help"--> 2) Waste weeks to years of my time and LOTS of my money getting nowhere --> 3) I finally get fed up, cut it off, and am worse off than before. Do I sound bitter? Damn right I am. Let's not focus on that. Let's solve it.

My girlfriend and I just went through a year of counseling. After a year, we're still not emotionally more connected, she still doesn't understand her gaming addiction and how much it hurts me, and if anything, she's grown more distant from me and me from her. We tried the things our limp-wristed counselor suggested, but this is something that needs a bazooka, not a pea-shooter.

Personally, I've been going to individual counseling with counselors of every professional suffix for 12+ years. In that time, my depression has increased to its worst state ever (which is UTTERLY astonishing given how bad college was for me), and my anxiety has pushed me over the edge into the void of doing nothing and hiding under my desk at work.

Yep. Dead serious. The depression and anxiety meds usually get me out of bed in the morning, but no more.

Oh, I've spent probably $15-20,000 and unfathomable amounts of time on counselors, psychologists, and psychiatrists getting here. Resources just so well spent.

So, here's my thing. I live in the fourth biggest city in the country. Somewhere, in this sprawling metropolis, there simply HAS to be a couple's counselor that actually works for my girlfriend and me. The HAS to be someone who can help me claw my way out of the extremely complicated, emotionally-destroying personal and work issues I deal with. Maybe there ISN'T in this city. Somewhere, though, there is somebody that can help. And I will NEVER be able to find them on my own, I feel.

There's just not enough time to go through the standard process over and over and over and over and over and over. My relationship is on the hooks, and my career is in shambles. I need help NOW.

So I was thinking: "What if I could pay someone, maybe/probably a professional in the psych field themselves to listen to all my issues, and then go out and headhunt me the exact counselor I actually need?" I'd gladly pay someone several grand to hear me out on everything, then get on the phones and internet, and start finding me that person or persons. They could conduct mini-phone interviews on behalf of me with potential counselors. They could narrow down thousands of choices to dozens with expert weeding. They would be my emissary, paid well, to save me 10x their fee on wasted, worthless counseling.

As an example, I have no need for any more counselors who want me to figure out everything myself. That's not worth $160-$180-God-knows-how-much per hour. I need advice. I need someone who looks at me and says, "Here's a guy who's suffering. He's suffering personally. He's suffering in his relationship. He's suffering at work. I have the skills to do it, and I need to help him start turning it around NOW, not in 10-20 sessions of 'what do you think about blah?' NOW." My counseling headhunter would go and find those sorts of people for me and reject the other 99% he or she comes across.

So, is this just an idea in my head or is this a possibility? I simply do not have the time, money, patience, or mental stability to go through this arduous process. But someone out there WOULD process and understand what I'm saying and WOULD be able to go through it for me, I feel. This is an idea I've had for years. Anybody think it's valid? Anybody have any suggestions? You all see where I'm at. Let me know what you think.

Thank you so much,
A guy that's just sooooo tired and lost

posted by KinoAndHermes to Human Relations (33 answers total)

Response by poster: Oh, also, I should mention that I probably won't be able to read any responses until at least tomorrow, but I appreciate anyone that takes a crack at this. Thank you so much.
posted by KinoAndHermes at 4:53 PM on May 25, 2015

I Am a therapist. I'm not your therapist. I cannot give a professional opinion as I have never ever met you.

1) medication. You say you are depressed you say you're anxious taking a pill is about as direct as it gets.

2) you can't change her.

3) Ultiimately you are your own person. Nothing anyone tells you to do is going to make you happy until you decide it on your own.

4) medication helps 3 happen.

5)it does get better.
posted by AlexiaSky at 5:09 PM on May 25, 2015 [6 favorites]

You're making a big assumption - that your girlfriend can or wants to change and that this can be fixed. Both of you appear to have made efforts and I don't necessarily think the reason you're not working as a couple is your counsellor's fault. It would be a wonderful world if we could lay all of our problems at the feet of an outside party and say 'fix it' but life just doesn't go that way.

Sometimes it takes more steps outside a therapist's office than in it. I think in your case, you and your girlfriend should seriously consider splitting. Regarding the thousands of dollars and all the psychologists you've seen throughout your life, they were all useless? Really? Every single one? It again feels like you're laying all your responsibilities on someone else's feet to fix. I think you need to look at yourself and if you made a good effort at implementing their suggestions, because really, the work needs to come from you. You are writing as if there is a very specific magical person who will make everything better, but they're only the conduit and this kind of thinking just means that every person you see will fail you until you start taking steps yourself to change your life. Like taking a break from this bad relationship...
posted by Jubey at 5:11 PM on May 25, 2015 [12 favorites]

If you want to hire someone, post an ad to Metafilter jobs or places you think someone with the relevant expertise might read. Figure out what qualifications would make a person suitable to find your ideal therapist (presumably someone with some therapy-related background themselves?) and make a posting. Define what you want the actual product they produce to be: For example, rather than the name of one person, you should probably have them bring you 3-4 candidates with a paragraph or two on how/which criteria that you want each person meets.

However, the problem here is that the only way they're going to be able to figure out what you want to know is to go talk to these therapists, which probably means paying for at least one session each with any potential therapists.

I'm not sure this is a great idea, but if that's what you wanted to do, I think that's how you would do it.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 5:17 PM on May 25, 2015 [1 favorite]

You know, on further thought, I'm not sure any therapist would participate in this scheme. I was wondering about that while posting my first answer but then thought there's no ethical conflict here because the therapist wouldn't be revealing anything about you. They might hear about you and they would talk about their general style of practice, but they'd have no confidential information to breach.

But on further thought, if I'm a person with some sort of nefarious intent, I guess I could go around from therapist to therapist looking for the one who would say and do what I want and then take a family member/friend/partner to that therapist instead of others. Say an abusive spouse who goes out and finds the Christian Patriarchy-believing therapist or someone who is pro-life finding a similarly-minded therapist for dealing with a crisis pregnancy*. Given the potential for this sort of thing to be used in manipulative sorts of ways, therapists might be wary of participating.

* The manipulative person could also come from a more liberal perspective, I realize, these were just the examples I came up with.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 5:24 PM on May 25, 2015 [3 favorites]

If you are looking for a therapist, you may have luck narrowing down your search by type of therapy. Finding which one appeals to your sensibilities the most will help you find someone who best speaks to your thought process. For example, when I tried couples therapy for my swiftly disintegrating marriage, we tried a Jungian therapist based on a friend's recommendation, but that ran counter to my partner's belief system so that particular avenue got us nowhere.

That said, medication and therapy are tools to help you in your journey, but you will be (and should be) the one doing the heavy lifting. In your position, I might make a Big Change to help gain some perspective. jbenben lists several ideas. (Me, I ran away to the city to forget my troubles, and when that didn't work, I went and lived in a dry cabin in interior Alaska for a few months, and when that wasn't enough, I came home again.) Remember, you can ALWAYS make a change. Your life and happiness are not pre-determined. The best thing about banging your head against a wall is how good it feels when you finally stop.

Like the others, I think a year of couples' therapy is more than enough effort to give a relationship that isn't working. You gave it your best shot, and that's worth something.
posted by mochapickle at 5:25 PM on May 25, 2015 [1 favorite]

My girlfriend and I just went through a year of counseling. After a year, we're still not emotionally more connected, she still doesn't understand her gaming addiction and how much it hurts me, and if anything, she's grown more distant from me and me from her.

Sounds to me like you're expecting therapy to work like surgery--you go in, someone does something, presto you're all fixed.

It doesn't work that way. It's like physiotherapy--you have to keep doing the exercises, not just when you're in a session.

Also sounds to me like she's not invested in making a change, and the subtext--right or wrong--that I am getting from your words is that you are making her addiction all about you, you're the one who has pushed for therapy to deal with it. It's trite about addiction, and it happens to be true: addicts don't start recovery until they want to. And it sounds like she doesn't want to. Frankly, it's probably in both of your best interests to end it. A year of therapy and things are worse? This relationship is over, I think.

As an example, I have no need for any more counselors who want me to figure out everything myself. That's not worth $160-$180-God-knows-how-much per hour. I need advice.

The thing is, figuring it out for yourself, with guidance, is exactly how therapy works. Like I said, it's not like surgery. It's more like having a coach who's helping you get better at whatever sport.

Someone just said recently over on the blue that therapeutic modality seems to be less important than the therapeutic relationship between client and therapist. As such, literally nobody in the world but you can find a good therapist for you. So no, this idea won't work I think.

Really what it sounds like is that you--understandably; it's difficult stuff--don't want to do the work. You want to walk in and get fixed. And it doesn't work that way, and seems to me like that attitude is what has made 12 years and $20K worth of therapy not work for you. I mean, by way of example, imagine someone who belongs to a succession of gyms, and keeps hiring new personal trainers, because the trainer isn't magically making them fit with 1 hour a week when they're off not-exercising and eating junk food the rest of the time.

and this:

our limp-wristed counselor

Not okay, dude/tte. Not okay at all.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 5:27 PM on May 25, 2015 [98 favorites]

On review of your previous questions, I'm more convinced than ever that there's no therapist in the world that can help you, because it appears that you are a person who is committed to staying in crappy situations, no matter how bad they are. Your job in the family business? Sounds terrible, yet you won't leave, and you ask for therapy to help manage the stress. Your relationship with your girlfriend? Just not working, despite your effort, yet you insist that a better counsellor is what you need.

I think at the heart of it, you're afraid of change, but you've put what, decades of effort into these and you're worse than ever. How much longer will you decide you want to be miserable before YOU do something about it. Leave your job, leave your girlfriend. Change your life. No therapist can do this for you. I'm not expecting you to do this because, hey, your previous questions and I expect you'll be coming back here in two, three, or five years complaining about the same issues but until you man up, make some hard choices and change your situation, this is your life.
posted by Jubey at 5:29 PM on May 25, 2015 [20 favorites]

It took me a long time and a really huge amount of frustration to realize that talk therapy, and mental health work more generally, is not really something that can be done to you.

As much as it seems like someone could just tell you what you're doing wrong, and listen to you, and pop out an answer, it just doesn't work. The more you make it into a confrontational or interrogatory experience, the less it works.

You have to go into it with optimism and almost a suspension of disbelief about the whole artificial nature of the endeavor for it to work. You can't just wait for them to convince you that it will work.
posted by mercredi at 5:32 PM on May 25, 2015 [1 favorite]

My girlfriend and I just went through a year of counseling. After a year, we're still not emotionally more connected [...] Do I sound bitter? Damn right I am. Let's not focus on that. Let's solve it.

Look, therapists and counselors are not mechanics. They cannot guarantee a fix. You can't take your girlfriend in to a counselor and get them to change the behavior or emotional responses you don't like the way you could take your car in for a wheel alignment or brake replacement.

What do you imagine the desired "bazooka" you wanted your latest counselor to use on your girlfriend looks like? What tools do you think people in this profession have at their disposal? Are hoping for your relationship counselor to put her on heavy antipsychotics or have her institutionalized for a video game addiction?

You cannot change your girlfriend. Your crypto-homophobic bitterness and blame of your relationship counselor for being "limp-wristed" is misplaced at best and delusional at worst. You are deeply misunderstanding the profession of therapy if you think you can pay a therapist to fix your personal problems and then hold them accountable for you not doing the work. You are also deeply misunderstanding the legalities of therapy, because, like If I only had a penguin pointed out, the "headhunter" you're asking for is in violation of the APA and most likely HIPAA privacy guidelines.

The closest kind of therapy for managing the kind of anxiety you're talking about is CBT, but I think you need to do a hard rehaul of the way you're thinking of therapists as people whose job it is to fix your life.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 5:38 PM on May 25, 2015 [7 favorites]

Aside from the obvious HIPAA complications, therapists are just people. They don't have magical powers. I think your expectations are a little out of whack. I mean it just sounds like you're being really hard on everyone involved, including yourself (for wasting money/time), and I don't see how paying some headhunter type person to evaluate hundreds of therapists is going to get you closer to feeling better. If anything it might be perpetuating what I sense is a pattern of externalizing problems. On a more practical point, how would the headhunter know better than you if a therapist is right or wrong? Do you have a concrete list of qualifications? Because that's normally how headhunters work. They don't make highly qualitative assessments of a prospective candidate's personal characteristics.
posted by deathpanels at 5:52 PM on May 25, 2015 [2 favorites]

What is the outcome you want?
What would have to change to get that outcome?

As everyone else has said, only you can answer those questions. Once you have a rough first draft of the answers, then you can start to think about what/who might be able to help you.

By the way, I totally understand your frustration. You're taking some knocks here for yelling, but I honestly feel you're more likely to work things out than if you were being very careful to sound balanced and understanding and just want to optimize your life, etc. (And, like it or not, "limp wristed" is homophobic, rather than just a way to "useless" or "weak," if that's what you meant.)
posted by kestralwing at 6:00 PM on May 25, 2015

Fwiw, and just to answer your title question about whether headhunters for therapists even exist -- there is a service like that in New York City, and I have had good experience with them: Kenwood Psychological Services. (Although they call it "therapy matchmaking" rather than headhunting.)
posted by merejane at 6:06 PM on May 25, 2015 [8 favorites]

Any couples counselor worth their salt is going to tell you that they're not in the business of saving relationships, which it sounds like is what you're looking for. As others have said, couples don't go to a therapist or counselor so they can fix the relationship; they go so they can learn to use tools to fix the relationship themselves.

Frankly, if you actually did take your car to umpteen mechanics and all umpteen said, "Nope, can't fix this, sorry, it's completely broken down beyond repair," I'm guessing you wouldn't conclude that all those mechanics were incompetent fools who ripped you off; you'd conclude that maybe it was time to get a new car. I'm sure you can complete the analogy.
posted by holborne at 6:11 PM on May 25, 2015 [6 favorites]

I did a subject in Couples Therapy while completing my Masters degree, and one of the scariest stats was that when compared with couples who did not receive counselling, the strongest difference was that those who received therapy stayed together longer before breaking up. This is not to say anything negative about couples therapy, which is an intricate and demanding form of therapy to practice, but mainly to say that many (most?) couples who seek therapy can't be "fixed".

To your broader question: I think it would be hard for an individual to find a therapist who will be perfect for you, because what is perfect for you (not to mention your girlfriend) is so individual. However, based on your previous experience, you may be in a good position to comment on what hasn't worked for you in the past. Clearly, you felt that your previous therapist was too gentle, and it also appears (at least from this end) that you have some negative perceptions about them as a person. Perhaps you need someone more active and directive. Perhaps you can articulate what it is that will help you feel they are someone you can respect and believe in? I will say, however, that your idea that you are being short changed when a counsellor asks you to "figure out everything myself" is...misguided. As others have pointed out above, therapy is not surgery, nor even like going to your GP, and therapy is not synonymous with "advice" or "instructions". You mentioned that you have seen numerous therapists - when you decide to move on, do you just stop going, or have you ever had a conversation with the therapist about what is happening and why it isn't working? It might be useful data to understand whether they think you are making progress or not, and what they think the barriers are, particularly since you are reporting that you are doing what they suggest and not making any headway.
posted by Cheese Monster at 6:21 PM on May 25, 2015 [3 favorites]

I've had episodes of severe depression all my life. so far. When my marriage tanked, we went to a Ph.D psychologist, well, after a really awful M.S.W. Ph.D. was awesome, worked with us for 7 - 8 months. I hoped she could get us back on track. The track we got back on was me realizing that my ex- wasn't going to behave any better, it was going to get worse, and I had to move on. I thought she was gonna do cartwheels when I said so. She had given us both the structure to move forward if we chose or if we could, or to leave.

For your relationship, focus on your own behavior, being the best partner you can be, and on her behavior. You cannot change her, really. You can decide whether or not you can accept her the way she is. That said, you can use behavior modification to help deal with minor behavior annoyances. I'm a huge fan of John Gotman's work on marriage/ relationships. Links in my profile, and read the Shamu article. Also, remember that one of the indicators of depression is 'irritability' and it's an understatement.

A good therapist can use 'mechanics.' For your depression, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a cognitive behavioral treatment that was originally developed to treat chronically suicidal individuals diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD) and it is now recognized as the gold standard psychological treatment for this population.

How do you find the right person.
1. Where did they get their degree? What's their training? Are they really trained in DBT or whatever? Look them up on the web, get reviews.
2. interview them. Ask them about their philosophy of care, ask how structured they are. I ask potential therapists "Are you a feminist?" It's a straightforward question, and if someone can't answer it, they won't work well with me. Some people get really wigged out by it and maybe by having a client ask questions.
3. Make it clear that you are goal-directed and need the therapist to provide focus and structure. Put notes in your calendar app to evaluate progress and help stay focused.

Consider a Life Coach, someone whose job it is to coach you through stuff, keep you on track, etc. Different from a therapist. There's a certification.

There are a ton of barely adequate therapists out there They're okay at moderate hand-holding, they listen, it's good. There are way too many sloppy, poorly trained, fuzzy-headed people who waste your time, and may even do damage. Sadly, when you really need someone, it's hard to have the energy to find them. If you or anybody you know knows a psychiatrist, ask them who they'd send their kid to, or their family.

I'm sorry this is so hard. You can get through this, one step, one phone call, one task at a time.
posted by theora55 at 6:41 PM on May 25, 2015 [13 favorites]

yeah, echoing theora55, i got the impression that the reason your efforts are going unrewarded is that you're trying to solve for the wrong thing. you're looking for a life coach, or a service (could be an app or a person) that decides on a certain action and forces that action. whether the end result of the forced action is something you want is another matter entirely.

therapy is about building long-term skills, not short term *now* solutions.
posted by kinoeye at 6:47 PM on May 25, 2015

also, therapy is about changing you. but it seems like the source of your unhappiness (other than anxiety and depression which in this case could be circumstantial) are the selection of job and girlfriend you've made. generally, jobs and partners can change and do change, but it is harder to change yourself so much that everything else falls into place.
posted by kinoeye at 6:51 PM on May 25, 2015

Let's get right to it. I would gladly play a very large sum of money to someone if they could find me a therapist/counselor/LSCW/psychologist/psychiatrist/WTFever that could ACTUALLY help me with my problems….

If this was a problem you could just throw money at, no one would ever need a therapist.

After a year, we're still not emotionally more connected….
…our limp-wristed counselor
…this is something that needs a bazooka, not a pea-shooter.

From an outsider’s perspective, it sounds like you’re not working at this at all, and you’re expecting the counselor (who you do not respect) and your girlfriend (I’m guessing ditto) to do all the work for you. It does not work that way.

I've been going to individual counseling with counselors of every professional suffix for 12+ years. In that time…

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but the common denominator here is YOU. You are bitter – you admit it – and you want a therapist to solve your problems for you. You keep bouncing around to new ones, knowing that they’re not going to work for you, and BINGO. Self-fulfilling prophecy. Again, it does not work the way you want it to. You will get nothing out of individual or couple’s therapy until you realize that.

As an example, I have no need for any more counselors who want me to figure out everything myself. That's not worth $160-$180-God-knows-how-much per hour. I need advice. I need someone who looks at me and says, "Here's a guy who's suffering. He's suffering personally. He's suffering in his relationship. He's suffering at work. I have the skills to do it, and I need to help him start turning it around NOW, not in 10-20 sessions of 'what do you think about blah?' NOW."

Just…. Just no. You don’t understand how therapy works, which is why it’s not working for you.

So, is this just an idea in my head or is this a possibility? I simply do not have the time, money, patience, or mental stability to go through this arduous process.

Not to sound all twelve-stepper on you, but if you don’t/can't/won't commit time and patience to this process – and you clearly haven’t – it’s not going to help you at all. Again, the fix you’re seeking isn’t something you can buy, and it isn’t something that any therapist can hand to you. YOU have to do the work. You’re not willing to, and it sounds like you resent the therapists who suggest that you even try.

They could conduct mini-phone interviews on behalf of me with potential counselors. They could narrow down thousands of choices to dozens with expert weeding. They would be my emissary, paid well, to save me 10x their fee on wasted, worthless counseling.

What you should instead be looking for is someone who can help you adjust your attitude and approach. Your fantasy about a therapist headhunter and the magical healing process that will be performed by the therapist they find for you is exactly that – a fantasy.

I’m sorry – I know depression and anxiety well, and I would usually answer a question like this while wearing kid gloves, but you really need to shift your perspective here. You are the one holding your own head underwater – no one else is trying to drown you.

I have not read your past questions, so I quite possibly just spent a bunch of time typing stuff that will fall on deaf ears.
posted by mudpuppie at 7:00 PM on May 25, 2015 [20 favorites]

You can make your life the way you want if you truly want to be happy. However, you cannot control everything in your life. You can only control and change yourself. Your life, your job, your girlfriend, your perspective, your attitude. All you. Either you are ok with the relationship the way it is because that's just how it's going to be, or you end the relationship. Either you are ok with your job the way it is because that's just how it's going to be, or you get another job.

This isn't about finding a therapist. This is about finding YOU. When you take a long hard look at yourself, you will find the answers and realize the questions don't matter anymore. What matters is actually enjoying your life and being happy. Do you want to be happy? Sometimes you gotta do the hard things because it's worth it in the long run.
posted by lunastellasol at 7:12 PM on May 25, 2015 [1 favorite]

I don't get all the naysayers. I've been to so many therapists over the years who didn't help me at all, and the time and effort required to go through the extremely inefficient process of calling, scheduling, paying, interviewing, etc. over and over kept me from finding the help I needed in a lot of cases.

Most of the online directories feature totally useless information about what certification the person has instead of profiles that would actually help you choose the right person. I think this is a great idea, and there don't have to be HIPAA issues because you really don't need to tell them confidential health information to just find out if the person is a good personality match.

Maybe launching this business is exactly what will get you out of this rut. Why don't you try to do this and see how it goes? Lots of other people would love this kind of thing and could benefit from your frustration. You know those business biographies where someone says, "I was so frustrated by this that I decided something had to change and started to do something a different way"? Well, maybe this is your time.
posted by 3491again at 7:31 PM on May 25, 2015 [6 favorites]

I think therapy is working -- you just don't like the outcome, which is that it's revealing that you guys just aren't compatible. She has an addiction, and you have a problem with control and contempt. Maybe it's time to stop and look at what's really happening instead of searching for the outcome you think you're owed.
posted by Hermione Granger at 7:31 PM on May 25, 2015 [18 favorites]

It seems like the answer might be that effective therapy will let you know that your girlfriend doesn't intend to change, and you two aren't compatible. If that's true (only you can figure it out), then the problem isn't with the therapists.
posted by J. Wilson at 7:40 PM on May 25, 2015 [1 favorite]

I'm with Jubey and rainydayfilms. You're going into therapy with the idea of adjusting to impossible situations that you don't like but feel compelled to stick with. Sounds like you've got a habit of committing yourself to things you can't or shouldn't handle.

You can't make your girlfriend deal with her gaming addiction, you can only decide whether you'll stay with her as is or not. For your dad's business, a business advisor would give you better info than a counsellor. Then you could decide what to do based on knowledge of likely limitations. Both issues are a case of needing to 1) recognize the situation as it is and then 2) shit or get off the pot.

So I guess, I'd suggest focusing on sharpening your confidence in decision-making (either with a therapist or on your own).
posted by cotton dress sock at 7:44 PM on May 25, 2015 [1 favorite]

Yes, this kind of therapist "headhunter" does exist- I used one that works specifically with women in Seattle, and it resulted in me finding exactly who I needed. But as others have pointed out, it sounds like your expectations for a therapist may be a bit off. Your therapist can't change your partner unless she wants to change, for example. But your therapist could give you the skills to evaluate whether that relationship is fulfilling to you or whether you need to leave.
posted by joan_holloway at 7:56 PM on May 25, 2015 [1 favorite]

The thing you are asking for can be called EAP or an Employee Assistance Program. Many large work places have them or contract them out - they are supposed to know the therapists in the area and be able to refer to one that meets your needs that you set forth in the first couple interviews. If you are not affiliated with one through your work, you can look them up in your area and connect requesting to contract with with an agency as an individual.

Another option would be to call your old therapists and say "hey we need a bazooka" and ask them for referrals. Your therapist will know other good therapists that have different approaches. Because you know them and they know your story, the referral should be pretty good.

Or you could go to AL ANON family meeting, because it sounds like you are in relationship with an addict. And that is a good support that you have not tried (and not expensive).

And hey, your anger is good! Anger is activating, anger wants to solve problems, anger is righteous, demanding and forward moving. But anger is also blinding and blaming. Therapy is one hour or two a week and the rest of the time is up to you.
posted by mutt.cyberspace at 7:59 PM on May 25, 2015 [3 favorites]

I'm going to skip the pile-on about your relationships here to say: YES. It IS hard to find a therapist whose methods and personality mesh with yours, and yes, it is extremely frustrating to spend all that time and money and effort and not get results.
Like a few posters above, I would suggest looking into hiring a life coach for yourself (will not comment on whether that's appropriate for couples counselling or not bc I don't know). After a decade of expensive and relatively unproductive sessions with registered psychologists, I have recently tried a life coach instead. I've felt much more supported and have made a lot of progress in relatively few sessions. It's cheaper, more flexible, and --- I don't know exactly how to say this tactfully, because I respect that registered psychologists are really limited by their ethical and professional obligations, but it's nice, with the life coach, to not have to mince around all those boundaries.
posted by bluebelle at 8:02 PM on May 25, 2015 [2 favorites]

Have you ever heard the phrase, if you have the same problem with everyone, then maybe the issue is you? I think you should really consider the fact that these therapists (and therapy in general) are not the issue. Instead, take a step back and really think about how you're approaching your therapy sessions.

I do understand where you're coming from. During my first year in therapy at a very well regarded psych hospital, I faithfully attended all of my sessions and I was unfailingly honest, and yet, my life kept getting worse and worse. I experienced near constant suicidal ideation, and I was horribly miserable, depressed, and anxious.

You know why therapy wasn't working for me? It's because I continued to drink heavily and engage in other incredibly self destructive behaviors the entire time. I attended therapy, but I wasn't putting it into real, honest to goodness practice. Once I finally had my "rock bottom" moment and really committed myself to recovery and sobriety, I went back to the same therapist, and I slowly but surely made a ton of progress. I still have work to do, but overall, things are pretty good.

Similarly, I have a family member who spent 12 years in therapy, and nothing changed for her, because she refused to leave the incredibly toxic relationship she was in. Things only finally started to turn around once she committed to getting out of that relationship.

If you're going to therapy but refusing to do the work outside of sessions and not considering the fact that you may have to make radical changes to get the kind of life that you want, then the best therapist in the world can't help you. Just like how no therapy in the world was going to fix me as long as I insisted on getting drunk every day.

By all means, find a different therapist, but if you're in a crappy relationship that one or both parties aren't interested in changing, and if you're in a stressful, miserable job (which it sounds like you might be based on your previous questions), then you're going to continue being depressed. Therapy is meant to help you make positive changes in your life, but there's nothing that can magically make you be happy if you're life actually kind of sucks.

Also, I would favorite feckless fecal fear mongering and mudpuppie's answers a hundred times if I could. You should read those answers over and over until the words really sink in.
posted by litera scripta manet at 8:40 PM on May 25, 2015 [6 favorites]

Oh, and if you're not aware of how homophobic and offensive your use of "limp wrist" is, take a look at what Urban Dictionary has to say on the subject. You may not realize how offensive it is, because hopefully you're not actually homophobic, but now that several people have brought this to your attention, I hope you'll drop that phrase from your vocabulary.

To get back to the main point of your question, it won't do you any good if you go into a therapy session with all this pent up anger towards your therapist and therapy in general. At the end of the day, therapy can only give you the tools you need to make your life better. It's up to you to decide whether or not you're willing to use them.
posted by litera scripta manet at 8:47 PM on May 25, 2015 [1 favorite]

[schpeal about being somewhere in the therapy field, but not being your someone in the therapy field].

Dude, what I think you might need is a comprehensive psychological assessment. Your medications aren't doing the trick. Something isn't clicking in therapy. You're running into the same problems over and over and over again. And—this is mostly conjecture from the dollar figures quoted here—you're probably plucking out possible clinicians from a decent random pool of providers. You need someone to sit down with you for X hours, who is not responsible for your week-to-week care, who does not have an ongoing therapeutic relationship with you, who knows there will be a day when they will not see you again, to do a comprehensive psychological assessment battery. Someone who both cares about you as a patient and will do their absolute best to get an accurate picture of who you are and where your problems come from, and whose time with you is by definition limited. This frees them to focus on figuring out how to help you.

As someone who has worked in assessment, it is amazing how helpful assessments have been for many clients referred to us, despite how little assessment is emphasized in the US psychiatric system. The benefit could be something on the level of refining your diagnoses, which could have big implications for your treatment; in my experience, psychiatrists as a class are sometimes not great at diagnosing certain types of problems (unfortunately, but great exceptions exist), and psychotherapists are pressured to start helping from the get-go, which might lead them to miss certain aspects of your experience even after lengthy periods of time working with you. Some types of interviews or tests take time that is hard to spare in week-to-week therapy. The benefit of assessment could also be identifying something vital about your personality style or interpersonal patterns that has gone unnoticed or unemphasized, or deep insight into the contexts that produce your problems. You will then have a comprehensive clinical report about yourself—a roadmap of sorts—that you can then give to any future clinician. Most often, your assessor will be able to recommend possible therapists to work with you, and what types of psychotherapy models they think might best fit your clinical needs.

Fair warning: It might be that you end up receiving answers you don't superbly like, or that complicate the picture you had of yourself or your relationship with your girlfriend. In fact, I can almost guarantee that will be the case. And, if you hear similar things from an assessor that you hear from a therapist (past or present), loved one, friends ... that's, for better or for worse, on you as an adult to decide to do with as you will.

Most good major university Ph.D. training programs have low-cost assessment clinics with training clinicians who are supervised by highly trained teaching clinicians, such that often you're basically getting high-caliber assessment services at minimal personal cost. You can also try to seek private assessment, but that gets into the "How do you find the right clinician?" problem; I'd again go through a major university medical system.
posted by Keter at 9:28 PM on May 25, 2015 [20 favorites]

I need someone who looks at me and says, "Here's a guy who's suffering. He's suffering personally. He's suffering in his relationship. He's suffering at work. [...] My relationship is on the hooks, and my career is in shambles. I need help NOW.

"Relationship" and "Job" aren't line items you cross off on the way to your "being happy and fulfilled" merit badge. For a lot of people they're a means to that end, but not all people and not all jobs and not all relationships. If the relationship isn't working for you and the job is not making you happy then get rid of them and go do something else.

You want somebody to look at you and say, here's the help you need? Ok: Quit your job, end the relationship and travel. Spend six or eight weeks not involved in jobs and relationships and see how that feels.
posted by mhoye at 9:36 PM on May 25, 2015 [5 favorites]

You know, despite being a bit annoyed by your tone I really feel for you in this question and am disappointed by the non answers. I've also chased the elusive "therapist who might help" unicorn for long enough to get upset at the lack of systematic assessment, matchmaking, criterion listing, or even basic information about what a therapist will or will not do. It took many therapists and several thousand dollars just to get one to finally spell it out to me that they weren't being cagey about giving advice by accident, they were actually barred from giving advice by their code of professional ethics. I was livid!

I think you will do better with non therapists: friends, life coaches, advice columns, strangers on the internet, doctors, hell even religious authorities or fortune tellers gave me better input. Therapy is about self transformation through reflection, not advice, assistance, guidance, direction, evaluation. They're trained not to give input, not to bring biases or opinions, not to direct you. Explicitly, intentionally.

I wish someone had told me that at first.
posted by ead at 1:28 AM on May 26, 2015 [11 favorites]

So, I get your frustration with therapists.

I had about 8 in a row who ranged from completely ineffectual (Have you tried this thing [from a book]? Actually, I've already read the book you copied this exercise from, but I had trouble with this aspect, do you have any advice? *Blank stare*) to downright harmful.
I have since had some good therapists, and concluded it wasn't just me, but that I was unlucky, and only had certain avenues of support (university counsellors for example, and my experiences weren't the worst).

There have been a number of studies which show the difference between modalities, or even between trained and untrained therapists is... Kind of minimal.
It mainly works by having someone there as your support person.
The biggest predictor of success is how well you 'click' with a therapist, so, just... Interview a lot?

Secondly, I can't find the study, but progress at 6 sessions tends to predict long term progress with a therapist, whether that is no progress, some progress, or a lot of progress, so... Bail out sooner.

In the end though, a good therapist often just acts as the check in and cheer leader while you make the changes you need to make in your life.
At the moment, you seem afraid to make changes in your life. You may not even think of it as fear, but that a good person does not 'give up' on situations. People absolutely do, in order to go do something better.

I am going to echo other posters in that maybe you could reroute your money and energy for a bit into people who can help with individual issues.
I found going to a massage therapist a better option than a therapist when going through short term high stress events (I already had friends I could vent with, and therapy while sometimes good, tended to stress me out further), then decided that having a less cluttered house would relieve even more stress than a massage, so hired a student (not a professional organiser) to keep me on task for organising and decluttering my things, and at 2 hours a week, soon had a bedroom and a house that didn't stress me out to be in it.

You want to have a better relationship with your girlfriend? (Not saying that is necessarily the best option, possibly letting each other go would be). Pay for nice experiences with her, ones that make you feel closer to each other. Go to an amusement park, out for dinner, for a drive to a nice place in nature, something you would actually ENJOY.
Things where you get to be not-stressed, and not adversarial.

Hire someone to sit down with you, prepare a CV, look for other jobs. Don't apply for any job that you aren't really excited about, but get someone to send ones you might be excited about too you. Find a better opportunity.

Basically, figure out what *things* in your life suck, and throw money at an assistant to help you with those things.
posted by Elysum at 4:01 AM on May 26, 2015 [2 favorites]