Bipolar girl, didn't work out, now she's being very unstable and mean...

March 28, 2015 12:09 AM

(I apologize in advance for the length and would really appreciate any advice from anyone who can read this). I met this girl online and we went out on two dates. She seemed very anxious and nervous, a little unstable even on our first date. Second date she cooled down a bit (things heated up in between dates and she was very interested). On the second date she opened up about some extremely personal stuff (psychiatric issues, ex boyfriends, substance abuse, etc.) and I didn't open up about my own stuff- it was overwhelming and I like to learn to trust someone before opening up about my life. I told her I understand where she comes from yet I consider myself a private person until I get to know someone more. I also related a story about a girl who told me within the first ten minutes about all of her mental illness and very personal stuff about her traumas, and I told her that it wasn't the issues that made me uncomfortable but rather the "too much too soon" and boundary problems. She agreed, but toward the end of the date she seemed off and a day later she cancelled our third date and said she sees me as a friend only. She said she has high standards but would really like to be my friend.

After this conversation, she reached out to me to tell me about some updates career wise. She sought some advice, send smileys, etc. I congratulated her, offered her to use me as a contact, and ended the conversation. The next day we small talked a bit and she was very curt and downright mean and dismissive. I took it as a mood swing and told her to let me know if she wants to meet up some time in the future after her week off. She replied the next day that she doesn't think its a good idea. I told her I see her as a friend and have moved on, and assumed her offer was genuine and see our similarities as a basis for a friendship. She said she sees no similarities. So I told her that I'm sorry I took her friendship offer seriously.

Now. I had opened up about my own issues to her after we ended our dating. I thought it was only fair to do so. She was dismissive and acted as if she was the only person with issues. I've gotten over my issues and am living a rather successful life while she seems to be not at peace and all over the place- multiple unrelated jobs, no career plans, hopping from one thing to the next, being stuck on her ex, being unstable in general. I've actually been through much more than her, but I didn't feel it appropriate to talk about this stuff on a first or second date so I kept my mouth shut and listened only. On the second date she kept talking about her ex and it got to a point where she called him "my boyfriend" and this made me so uncomfortable.

So fast forward, I apologize for taking her friendship at face value. She calls me nuts and says that we only hung out twice. I reply with "it's not nuts to take you at face value especially when you reach out to me after we agreed to not date; what really IS nuts is talking about an ex at length on a date with a guy, or talking about extremely personal stuff so openly without knowing your audience. Please get your shit together." At this point I was upset because she is bipolar, and I am as well- yet I've stabilized over the past few years. And I felt she used what I opened up about against me. She then tells me I have issues and I reply with- leave me alone.

She replies five minutes later profusely apologizing and admitting she has issues. I tell her I'm very hurt and it took a lot for me to open up to her and she used it against me. She apologized profusely and then said she was hurt that I told her to get her shit together. She started bringing up all this stuff about how it's not right to judge someone for opening up about their past and I reassured her I never did that. She said she just felt that I was mean and overbearing since she told me she doesn't want to date me and sees me as a friend. I realized she misunderstood me and imagined all of this. So I reassured her that I wasn't being mean to her, and I appreciate her friendship and think it's good that we relate on so much. And I even told her I genuinely offered her help with her career stuff, so how can I be being mean? She realized it was a misunderstanding but kept bringing up that she felt judged for being open. I told her my silence and hesitance to talk about my personal issues isn't a judgment against her- it comes from me being wary of dishing out personal issues too soon, I'm more private about these matters and they are my past and I would like to leave it there.

After some back and forth where she again made it seem like her problems are the center of the world, we agreed to be friends. I told her I felt our lives were similar and I feel comfortable talking to her because I understand her. She said she's just wary of the dating to friendship transition- that she's seen this guy twice and he just wants to be her friend and she is upset and is manipulating him, so she feels that other people may act like she does. I told her its not fair to project these things on me. She agreed.

We agreed to become friends again, the next day she commented a lot on my FB. I reached out to her a little bit later via text and she small talked for a minute then told me she was busy and had to go. I reached out to her the next day and no response.

Background- she's had a very troubled past. She's a brilliant and funny girl, but is very unstable. She even wrote on FB that she had an emotional crisis and is insecure about what people may think of her. She seems very lonely and misunderstood. She's very black and white (she jumps into relationships and is one for whirlwind romance and if you don't like her or reciprocate 100% she's over you). Yet also I have a nagging feeling that she may be still into me and just really upset about how reserved I was, and had to reject me out of fear of me judging and rejecting her. I am a taciturn person who doesn't like to dwell on the past nor do I feel it necessary to indulge about my youth or troubled periods on a first or second date. She hasn't been dating for two years and claims it's because guys are dumb.

I have no idea what this girl is about. I can say this though. The way she just picked a fight with me the other day and the argument that ensued really made my blood boil and was very upsetting. I did not like how mean she can be. I know there's more to it and it's about the events of the second date. And it seems that she wants to sabotage our friendship because she felt rejected on our date. But I may be 100% wrong. I just don't know what her deal is. I have been having physical anxiety since our argument, and though she hasn't deleted me on FB, I can't rule out that she won't.

What should I do and what do you think her deal is??

posted by ayatollahkhomeini to Human Relations