I can't go on, I'll go on (persevering when the going gets tough)

March 19, 2015 11:43 AM

I need words of wisdom on how to carry on with life as normal when things are falling apart in a way that is outside your control. I can't go into specifics, but my partner and I are involved in proceedings that could have a catastrophic impact on my family's life. How do I find the strength to go on with my everyday life?

The decision is very much out of my hands (you'll have to trust me on this), so I just need to get on with my life with this massive uncertainty in the background. I have a Generalized Anxiety Disorder, so am very experienced at containing worry that I know is irrational, not so much when there is a very real, very definite thing to worry about.

I am trying to be a tower of strength for my partner, who is more affected by this whole thing than me, but am lacking in the means to comfort/care for myself. I am a pessimist by nature, and try to prepare myself for the worst, which isn't very helpful when I need to be strong and optimistic. The issue affects my partner and his story to tell, not mine, so I can't get support from other family and friends.

I haven't been religious in the past, but have been attending Quaker meetings, and am trying to draw strength from some Quaranic wisdom that "God Does not Burden a Soul Beyond What It Can Bear". I have a full-time job that needs my full attention but I am finding myself paralysed with anxiety. I am already on Celexa. I can't afford the therapy which I know works for me.

I know people go through awful, stressful things and survive, but how? Is 'preparing for the worst' helping me or just unnecessary anxiety?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (21 answers total)

Sorry, forgot to add. My partner is not abusing me and leaving him would not resolve the issue. Just have to point that out as my questions previously have been misinterpreted in that way.
posted by Dorothea_in_Rome at 11:46 AM on March 19, 2015

It's different for every person, but what works for me is 'self-talk'. That's where you talk to yourself like you were talking to a friend who has the same problem (because you would try to help your friend, right?). Quite literally out loud, so you hear it. For me, it's usually variations on "It's all right, you've been here before, you know what to do. Put one foot in front of the other."
posted by Mogur at 11:48 AM on March 19, 2015

Ooof. The "waiting for catastrophe" period is so tough. I myself have had to wait to know if I was going to get a divorce, and wait to know if someone I loved was going to jail, as WELL as wait to know if someone I loved had cancer (I've done that wait a few times). Each time, I remember thinking "I CANNOT DO THIS FOR ONE MORE SECOND"... and yet somehow I DID, every time.

I think that for a lot of us, when we're confronted with BIG SCARY SHIT WE CANNOT CONTROL, we obsess over it, because turning the problems over in our minds repeatedly FEELS as though we're somehow "controlling" them, even though we're not. It's a facsimile of power, created by our psyches. So, no, the "preparing for the worst" ain't gonna help, unfortunately - it's just your brain grasping at straws.

The only things that've ever really helped during the agonizing period were, 1. Treating myself kindly - I call it "acting like you have the flu, only, you know, emotional flu". Slack off, eat good things, watch too much TV, wear pajamas all the time... be gentle and kind with yourself, aaaaaaand, 2. Vigorous exercise. I know that doesn't quite fit with the "emotional flu" aspect of #1, but it DOES clear the mind and improve the mood, albeit temporarily.

Feel free to MeMail me if you need, for support/advice/venting.
posted by julthumbscrew at 12:00 PM on March 19, 2015

I think it's OK to have a plan in place for the worst. It has always helped me, having that sort of thing in the back of my mind like a little escape hatch, to know that if the worst happened, I would know what to do. That said, I also think it's truthfully sort of a pointless exercise, because when the very worst things in my life have happened, they are things I did not even come close to anticipating with one of my helpful backup plans. And regardless, I got through (and, in the midst of a cancer diagnosis at the moment, am presently getting through) those things all right. Still, if it makes you feel better, I think it's okay to plan for the worst - as long as it's a set thing you think about and come up with and then don't sit around and dwell on all the time. Because that's the real problem - something bad might happen, sure, but right now, today, are things pretty much okay? Dwelling on a potential future you don't even know will occur is a waste of your time and emotion.

What is helping me in my current situation with the cancer is to really try to live in each moment, and have those moments be things I appreciate and enjoy as much as possible. I find the most relief from the stress when I'm out for a walk with my husband, or having dinner with a friend, or reading a really great book or watching a movie I've been meaning to get around to for a long time. Distractions are okay - whatever is happening with you, spending all your time thinking about it isn't necessary. I think sometimes we feel like if something negative is going on, we're obligated to worry about it because otherwise we're not giving it the importance it deserves. But truly, worry is wasted time and energy and negative emotion.

And I think it helps a lot to be able to admit those fears out loud to someone. If you can't afford a therapist at the moment, you might be able to get relief just by talking about it with a friend or close family member, or even the partner for whom you're trying to be a tower of strength. It's okay to be scared and I don't think you have to put up a wall of strength you don't feel. Whatever is going on with your family, you're in it together and it's okay to admit that to each other.
posted by something something at 12:02 PM on March 19, 2015

First - care for yourself, you have to. Second - look at the ways people have recovered from actual catastrophes. I believe we all, as creatures, have a survival instinct. I believe you and your family have the creativity and resourcefulness to find a way to work around this, or to start again if you have to. You will surprise yourself.

I didn't think I had a fraction of a nerve's worth of "survival instinct" in me, until it kicked in.
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:03 PM on March 19, 2015

(That's not to say things don't go wrong, of course they do. But you have more power than you know.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:04 PM on March 19, 2015

There's a saying "put your trust in God and keep your powder dry" that I really like, especially as explicated by Hercule Poirot in Dead Man's Folly. He's talking about how during the war there were slogans like "Loose lips sink ships" and "It all depends on YOU" and how that put a lot of pressure on people about stuff they couldn't change which could lead them to neglect their actual responsibilities like taking care of their children (I can't find the exact section online, unfortunately). The idea is basically "be prepared, but focus on yourself and your family."

It sounds like you have an "It all depends on YOU" mentality (and I totally get this! I too get very anxious! I am also on medicines!) and, hard as it is, it might help to think instead "Put your trust in God and keep your powder dry." Very very best wishes to you.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 12:06 PM on March 19, 2015

One day at a time. Only do what's immediately in front of you. For a planner this is hard (oh how I know), but it's the only way to contain the worry about that uncertain future. You can't make the future come faster by thinking about it. You can't do anything about it for now, so bracket it, put it in a box and set it down, and think about what you can/must do today and tomorrow only.

The worry/future stuff will still be there, you won't lose track of it by setting it down, but for right now it can stay in the box. Have faith that when the future comes, you'll be able to deal with it whatever it is. It might be uncomfortable or unhappy for a while but no matter what it is, you can cope and get through it.
posted by LobsterMitten at 12:13 PM on March 19, 2015

I have OCD, and know what you mean about the difference in dealing with 'real' and irrational worries.

Something I find really useful when I am in a problematic situation is the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I am not religious so tend to ignore the 'God' bit, but it reminds me that even if I have a proper real life problem (outside of my anxiety issues), it's still irrational and unhelpful to worry about the bits that I have no control over. It also focuses me on anything that I might actually be able to control/change, which is often just my reaction to the situation in terms of what I say and do ('amount of anxiety' on the other hand would go straight into the 'cannot directly control' box).

I've also had success with the 'only do what's immediately in front of you' approach as discussed above, which is helped by regular mindfulness meditation practice.
posted by amerrydance at 12:20 PM on March 19, 2015

My therapist and I were talking about this concept of control yesterday, and came to this point: When you jump off a diving board, you are going to get wet. Nothing you can do to fight gravity. What you can do is control how you land--cannonball, bellyflop, diving in headfirst, all up to you. So, yes, prepare in a rational way for the worst. In fact, sometimes being strong and supportive is doing that exact thing. Sitting down with your partner and looking at the rational likely outcomes of this situation and coping ahead by locking down your plans now may well give you the freedom you seek.

Try thinking in three broad strokes: best outcome, worst, most likely (to continue the metaphor, cannonball, bellyflop, or diving). Formulate a strategy to deal with each of those if they occur. Even to the point of actually writing down what you'll do, how you'll manage, etc. Which isn't just practical logistics about calling a lawyer/plumber/assassin/whatever, it's also about self-care and managing emotional vulnerability.

Look at the worst case. Consider the logistics. Think about what kind of emotional support you'll both need if there's a bellyflop.

Now look at the best case--maybe carving out some way to celebrate that things didn't go completely pear-shaped.

And then look at what to an outside observer is actually the most likely real-world outcome. What is your best strategy for diving into the water and resurfacing?

Get that all down on paper, do any advance research necessary, and then let go. You're already in midair at this point, and nothing's going to change until you hit the water.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:47 PM on March 19, 2015

the last is refereed to as CBT, you may want to look into it :)
posted by TRUELOTUS at 12:52 PM on March 19, 2015

You might find the book Man's Search For Meaning helpful. It's by no means an easy read - it's about the Holocaust - but it does give you some idea of what to do when you're in the thick of it.
posted by Solomon at 12:57 PM on March 19, 2015

In addition to what others have said, drink plenty of water; get some light, relaxing exercise-- outdoors if possible-- and sleep. If this is keeping you from getting any sleep, consider asking your doctor for sleep medicine or some mild tranquilizers.
posted by BibiRose at 1:17 PM on March 19, 2015

Sorry, I was maybe a bit glib, earlier. What I mean is - you have to develop your belief in your innate capacity to adapt, which you possess by virtue of being a human animal. We have plastic brains. We can adapt to many, many circumstances. Take inspiration from stories of people who have. Although you're prone to rumination, you also, very likely, have the equipment required to adapt to what you're facing, in ways you may not anticipate. As well as in ways you already know about, but have forgotten - I would bet that you've overcome significant challenges in your life, maybe of a different kind, but you've encountered obstacles already. What were they? How did you get past them?
posted by cotton dress sock at 1:19 PM on March 19, 2015

The issue affects my partner and his story to tell, not mine, so I can't get support from other family and friends.

This is really tough. You need support, and a way to get some of these worries off your chest. Has your partner asked you to avoid talking about this with people who are close to you? If not, maybe you could ask him if he'd be comfortable with you sharing with one close, trusted person. Or maybe you can even talk to your partner about your anxieties. I've been there and I know it feels selfish when this affects him more, but it might make both of you feel less alone.

If none of that is possible, maybe keeping a journal would help.
posted by treachery, faith, and the great river at 1:31 PM on March 19, 2015

One of the things that can help me get unparalyzed by anxiety is to accomplish something, even if it's something Really small. So if I'm trying to get something done at work I might log in to my bank and check my balance. That doesn't get any of my work done, but it gives me a little satisfaction that I did Something, and something that's important to my fiscal health.

So I agree with all the folks that tell you to exercise and take walks and be kind to yourself and journal. If you can, turn those things into accomplishments. Because once I've done that one thing? I often want to get that rush of accomplishment again, and will find a Really Small work task I can accomplish.

I've also had good results with catching myself worrying and thinking firmly "nothing I can do about that now, but I CAN do xxx". Then I go and do that thing, which helps distract me and makes me feel better.
posted by ldthomps at 1:55 PM on March 19, 2015

This might not be the level of advice you're looking for, but for me working out -- hard, which at my level of fitness is not always very impressive to others :) -- really helps short-circuit some of the anxiety adrenaline. It's also something I can actively do, makes me feel good about myself, and when the weather's ok for a run outside, makes me feel glad for the things that can't be easily taken away like the way sunshine comes through trees or the vista from the top of the hill.

Take care!
posted by warriorqueen at 2:08 PM on March 19, 2015

Ugh, the waiting is the worst. Sometimes even worse than the actual Bad Thing because once it's happened you can actually just start dealing with it. I always recommend these, and I'll do so once more just in case they offer any solace:
When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron
Transitions: Making Sense of Life's Changes by William Bridges
Someone above recommended Man's Search for Meaning, which is also really good. There's a book called The Positive Power of Negative Thinking that you might like - there's an article version here.

I'm also trying out inyourcorneronline.com (formerly Pretty Padded Room) for therapy. I like the fact that I can leave journal entries and get some feedback, but I don't have to go anywhere and it's cheaper. Another one is 7cupsoftea.com. There are more listed in this previous question and this question if you're interested in this type of thing. Jane McGonigal has two great TED Talks that might be relevent, as well a website/app that I found incredibly useful (SuperBetter).

I will also add a vote to cheap distraction for now: read novels (Harry Potter works for me!), binge watch stuff, take baths, anything you can manage. Excersize... if you can get yourself physically exhuasted that will help too. (Oh yeah, and meditate!)

This previous Where Can I Scream? question is kinda interesting too!
posted by jrobin276 at 5:27 PM on March 19, 2015

I can't 'best answer' you all, but I wanted to reply to say how comforted and supported all of your comments have made me feel. Thank you so, so much. I've bought a couple of your suggestions on Kindle and am hoping they'll be a further source of comfort. Thank you so, so much.
posted by Dorothea_in_Rome at 3:30 AM on March 20, 2015

Don't forget to breathe! I can vouch for the Jahnke book referenced in one of the footnotes to that article.
posted by BibiRose at 7:04 AM on March 20, 2015

I realize this sounds silly (although it is a great show and a good pick-me-up), but the thought/saying "I can do anything for 10 seconds" from The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt has actually helped me get through some difficult things lately. Just focus on doing whatever it is for 10 seconds at a time.
posted by DulcineaX at 11:38 AM on March 21, 2015