How do I give feedback on a manager where there's a bad personal fit?
March 15, 2015 7:19 PM Subscribe
Usually I would stick to 'just the facts', when giving feedback, and explain how their (in)actions affected my work . But Pat and me are a bad fit due to triggers for (emotional) abuse when I was a child and I have not been a perfect employee.
How can I be give concise, professional and objective feedback about a very emotional problem?
I recently started a new job. When I had four weeks' experience, I completed work and that was wrong and needed revising.
My manager Pat called me and told me to improve my work in an irritable, aggressive way. I had never been spoken to like that professionally. I understand Pat's frustration, but I was completely freaked out by the anger.
We then worked together for two weeks on a high-pressure project. I was so nervous and inexperienced I found it hard to think clearly and do my job. I went back on anti-depressants that week because I was so anxious.
Since then I have had several interactions where I made mistakes, and Pat was frustrated and angry with me.
I grew up with abusive family members who used rage and temper tantrums to intimidate others. When I think people are angry, I respond with anything from a blank mind to panic attacks. (I am working on this with a professional.)
It's a bad fit on both sides, and I want to make a fresh start and work on resolving my performance issues.
I have reached out to another manager to replace Pat, but I need to write feedback that explains why. Whenever I try to write it I get stuck when I have to mention that I made mistakes (because I'm worried that Pat's anger will appear justified).
My draft is this:
"Pat called me up to raise issues about some work I'd done on XYZ. I had about four weeks of experience and hadn’t understood what I needed to do. While I understand Pat's frustration at having to redo my work, Pat was angry and I felt very uncomfortable after the phone call."
"Since then I've felt reluctant discussing anything with Pat in case Pat has a similar strong reaction, which has happened a couple of other times."
"I feel that this is not a good fit for me, and I think I would be able to improve my performance by working with a different manager."
I know this isn't the right way to put it. Any thoughts on better phrasing?
I recently started a new job. When I had four weeks' experience, I completed work and that was wrong and needed revising.
My manager Pat called me and told me to improve my work in an irritable, aggressive way. I had never been spoken to like that professionally. I understand Pat's frustration, but I was completely freaked out by the anger.
We then worked together for two weeks on a high-pressure project. I was so nervous and inexperienced I found it hard to think clearly and do my job. I went back on anti-depressants that week because I was so anxious.
Since then I have had several interactions where I made mistakes, and Pat was frustrated and angry with me.
I grew up with abusive family members who used rage and temper tantrums to intimidate others. When I think people are angry, I respond with anything from a blank mind to panic attacks. (I am working on this with a professional.)
It's a bad fit on both sides, and I want to make a fresh start and work on resolving my performance issues.
I have reached out to another manager to replace Pat, but I need to write feedback that explains why. Whenever I try to write it I get stuck when I have to mention that I made mistakes (because I'm worried that Pat's anger will appear justified).
My draft is this:
"Pat called me up to raise issues about some work I'd done on XYZ. I had about four weeks of experience and hadn’t understood what I needed to do. While I understand Pat's frustration at having to redo my work, Pat was angry and I felt very uncomfortable after the phone call."
"Since then I've felt reluctant discussing anything with Pat in case Pat has a similar strong reaction, which has happened a couple of other times."
"I feel that this is not a good fit for me, and I think I would be able to improve my performance by working with a different manager."
I know this isn't the right way to put it. Any thoughts on better phrasing?
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- cortex
How likely is it that they will accede to your request for a new manager? Are you writing to HR? Or do you need to write to the new manager? Are you applying for a new position, or the same position under a different team leader?
Do you *know* Pat was angry-- have you discussed her reaction with her? Or is that your interpretation? You need to be quite careful here because it is quite likely they will discuss the case with her. What are the odds she will disagree with your interpretation and be surprised "I was possibly a little bit brusque, but..." Or will she agree that she was angry and back up your interpretation? What are you reading as anger? Raised voice? Abusive language? I ask this because it is relevant-- anger (unless you both agree this was her reaction) is an interpretation.
Have you spoken to HR (or another peer based coach-- even better) and gotten suggestions about how best to respond to this kind of feedback? HR is generally not your friend, but they can be quite helpful in some cases. I'm thinking here a meeting where you explain to them "I was hired with the company knowing I am quite junior at X. My learning curve is causing a lot of work for Pat and she is getting frustrated with me. I don't know how to respond to her feedback and it seems like we may have gotten off on the wrong foot. I am not going to be able to learn if I am always afraid I am making her angry. Do you have any suggestions?"
I don't have any idea what you do, but I will caution you that as a department head, I would never reassign someone to another manager based on this kind of feedback. Unless you have some really important skills and I was desperate to keep you (maybe true) I would first ask you to try to resolve things with Pat. I would probably offer to facilitate in the interaction. Insisting that it is just not a good fit and you want a new manager would be a huge red flag for me, and make me question your future in the company. I do understand what you're saying above, and I'm sympathetic as a reader, but I'm looking at this from a company perspective now-- you will never be able to guarantee what kind of manager you will get, and whether they will trigger you or not.
Verbal abuse (insults, public humiliation) would be a different matter, and actionable. I hope that goes without saying.
posted by frumiousb at 7:50 PM on March 15, 2015 [5 favorites]
Do you *know* Pat was angry-- have you discussed her reaction with her? Or is that your interpretation? You need to be quite careful here because it is quite likely they will discuss the case with her. What are the odds she will disagree with your interpretation and be surprised "I was possibly a little bit brusque, but..." Or will she agree that she was angry and back up your interpretation? What are you reading as anger? Raised voice? Abusive language? I ask this because it is relevant-- anger (unless you both agree this was her reaction) is an interpretation.
Have you spoken to HR (or another peer based coach-- even better) and gotten suggestions about how best to respond to this kind of feedback? HR is generally not your friend, but they can be quite helpful in some cases. I'm thinking here a meeting where you explain to them "I was hired with the company knowing I am quite junior at X. My learning curve is causing a lot of work for Pat and she is getting frustrated with me. I don't know how to respond to her feedback and it seems like we may have gotten off on the wrong foot. I am not going to be able to learn if I am always afraid I am making her angry. Do you have any suggestions?"
I don't have any idea what you do, but I will caution you that as a department head, I would never reassign someone to another manager based on this kind of feedback. Unless you have some really important skills and I was desperate to keep you (maybe true) I would first ask you to try to resolve things with Pat. I would probably offer to facilitate in the interaction. Insisting that it is just not a good fit and you want a new manager would be a huge red flag for me, and make me question your future in the company. I do understand what you're saying above, and I'm sympathetic as a reader, but I'm looking at this from a company perspective now-- you will never be able to guarantee what kind of manager you will get, and whether they will trigger you or not.
Verbal abuse (insults, public humiliation) would be a different matter, and actionable. I hope that goes without saying.
posted by frumiousb at 7:50 PM on March 15, 2015 [5 favorites]
Is it your goal to report inappropriate behavior? Or just to explain why you'd thrive under a different management style in order to be paired with a new manager? Because if it's the former, I see this getting back to Pat or even backfiring.
If it's the latter, can you simply frame it positively and avoid critiquing Pat altogether? Maybe list the qualities you're seeking in order to work your best, e.g., "I am seeking to improve my performance in [xyz] areas and to best accomplish this, I work most efficiently under a manager with [abc communication styles/management qualities]." In other words, you say what will make for a better fit without directly stating why it's a bad fit with Pat.
If there is a way you can be positive and sidestep evaluating your superior in writing, I'd take that tack. It 1) makes you seem like a positive person who cares about her job and works well with others and 2) covers your ass in case your move is ever scrutinized.
posted by kapers at 8:02 PM on March 15, 2015
If it's the latter, can you simply frame it positively and avoid critiquing Pat altogether? Maybe list the qualities you're seeking in order to work your best, e.g., "I am seeking to improve my performance in [xyz] areas and to best accomplish this, I work most efficiently under a manager with [abc communication styles/management qualities]." In other words, you say what will make for a better fit without directly stating why it's a bad fit with Pat.
If there is a way you can be positive and sidestep evaluating your superior in writing, I'd take that tack. It 1) makes you seem like a positive person who cares about her job and works well with others and 2) covers your ass in case your move is ever scrutinized.
posted by kapers at 8:02 PM on March 15, 2015
Keep in mind your history of emotional abuse will not prevent you from being fired if Pat is within the bounds of appropriate workplace behavior, albeit abrasive. I worry that your short history with the company along with your mistakes, inability to work with a more senior associate, and request for special treatment may not end well for you. I think the wiser choice would be to talk to Pat about wanting to improve your working relationship with her rather than asking to change managers. But if you truly can't see a way forward, ask for the switch with the knowledge that it could come back to bite you. Good luck. I can empathize with your feelings of anxiety.
posted by cecic at 8:14 PM on March 15, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by cecic at 8:14 PM on March 15, 2015 [2 favorites]
Please think about whether this is Pat being a bad manager or if it is you being unable to accept feedback. The combination of being highly sensitive and there being outside historical factors can turn someone trying to give constructive or any sort of feedback into being personally attacked. This puts both the manager and employee into an impossible situation where the manager cannot help without being perceived as a threat, and the employee desperately needs help. Changing managers will most likely not help long-term as the new manager will also give feedback and it most likely won't always be in a perfect format for the employee, help needs to come from someone outside the workplace like a counselor.
posted by meepmeow at 8:17 PM on March 15, 2015
posted by meepmeow at 8:17 PM on March 15, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by bq at 7:34 PM on March 15, 2015 [5 favorites]