Excluded on Discount
March 14, 2015 9:53 AM Subscribe
Is it rude if everyone at a dinner table receives a discount except you?
My boyfriend's sister invited me, my boyfriend, her boyfriend, and their other sister. She has been working at this restaurant on the weekend for several years and gets discounts. When we were done eating the waitress she knew came by and talked to his sister and it looked like they were discussing the pay. She told them who got discounts and I guess she assumed my bf was paying she told the waitress he got a discount.
Come time when we got our bills I was the only one that didn't get a discount. She looked at it and said if I had been on my boyfriend's (her brother's) bill then I would've gotten the discount. What difference does it make when we are TOGETHER (I was treating him)? So I paid full price and everyone else got a discount. I don't care if I get one but if everyone else gets one I just think it's a bit rude. She could've said something to the waitress but didn't.
Later I told my boyfriend he should've told his sister but he said he didn't know what to do at the time.
So 1. Would you have said something? 2. Is this rude?
My boyfriend's sister invited me, my boyfriend, her boyfriend, and their other sister. She has been working at this restaurant on the weekend for several years and gets discounts. When we were done eating the waitress she knew came by and talked to his sister and it looked like they were discussing the pay. She told them who got discounts and I guess she assumed my bf was paying she told the waitress he got a discount.
Come time when we got our bills I was the only one that didn't get a discount. She looked at it and said if I had been on my boyfriend's (her brother's) bill then I would've gotten the discount. What difference does it make when we are TOGETHER (I was treating him)? So I paid full price and everyone else got a discount. I don't care if I get one but if everyone else gets one I just think it's a bit rude. She could've said something to the waitress but didn't.
Later I told my boyfriend he should've told his sister but he said he didn't know what to do at the time.
So 1. Would you have said something? 2. Is this rude?
As she was the only one that worked there, I would have thought either she would be the only one to get a discount or that the entire party would get it. To pick and choose was very rude.
posted by cecic at 10:06 AM on March 14, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by cecic at 10:06 AM on March 14, 2015 [6 favorites]
Yes, very rude. And, it's your boyfriend's place to say something because it's his family. If he didn't stand up for you and question this ridiculous and rude exclusion, I'd be disappointed with him as well.
posted by quince at 10:07 AM on March 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by quince at 10:07 AM on March 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
She may be officially allowed by the restaurant (her employer) to give discounts to her family. She probably isn't allowed to give discounts to any person she wants, so please don't take it personally.
I'm assuming that she and her boyfriend were together, so she could discount that since she's the employee. Her sister is immediate family, so included in a "family discount". Your boyfriend is her brother, so he'd be included in the family discount too. You sort-of know her, but you're not "family", so, although it probably made her feel a bit awkward, she had to bill you for full price.
If she owned the restaurant, then that's another matter.
posted by amtho at 10:12 AM on March 14, 2015 [5 favorites]
I'm assuming that she and her boyfriend were together, so she could discount that since she's the employee. Her sister is immediate family, so included in a "family discount". Your boyfriend is her brother, so he'd be included in the family discount too. You sort-of know her, but you're not "family", so, although it probably made her feel a bit awkward, she had to bill you for full price.
If she owned the restaurant, then that's another matter.
posted by amtho at 10:12 AM on March 14, 2015 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Okay, her boyfriend got a discount though if he is paying for her? He's not family. But at the same time she would be on HIS check, ya know? If my boyfriend and I were MARRIED I wouldn't be family? That would be extremely insulting. They wouldn't even know if we are married or not because they don't know my boyfriend and I.
posted by Asian_Hunnie at 10:13 AM on March 14, 2015
posted by Asian_Hunnie at 10:13 AM on March 14, 2015
At a restaurant I once worked at, you could get a family/friends discount for, I think it was for me, six people at a time.
posted by cmoj at 10:19 AM on March 14, 2015
posted by cmoj at 10:19 AM on March 14, 2015
It's a weird situation. It may or may not be rude depending on why it happened. At the time, you could have spoken up and said you'd like to be included in the discount, and asked if there was a way for that to happen, like having your bill combined with your boyfriend's. Your boyfriend also could have done this. Since neither of you did, because it was an unexpected situation and you were both taken by surprise, all you can do is try to remember to ask for what you need next time. No point in worrying about whether you should/are right to be offended. This is your boyfriend and his family, so you presumably want to keep a good relationship with them -- which means that you strive to see them in the best light possible, and don't look for opportunities to feel slighted.
posted by chickenmagazine at 10:28 AM on March 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by chickenmagazine at 10:28 AM on March 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
This is kind of shitty and weird and ungracious. If it were me, I would decline any future restaurant invitations unless they're at restaurants that do not employ anyone in the party.
posted by trunk muffins at 10:30 AM on March 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by trunk muffins at 10:30 AM on March 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's possible that the discounts weren't entirely according to the policy of the restaurant, and she, or your waitress, didn't want to draw to much attention to the discounts.
Also, it sounds like you did not split the bills up until it was time to pay. I've found that this often leads to more billing confusion and mistakes than saying how the bills will be split at the time you order.
posted by yohko at 10:33 AM on March 14, 2015
Also, it sounds like you did not split the bills up until it was time to pay. I've found that this often leads to more billing confusion and mistakes than saying how the bills will be split at the time you order.
posted by yohko at 10:33 AM on March 14, 2015
It was totally rude, but it sounds like a clueless rude, not a deliberate rude.
Since I think the problem started with cluelessness rather than malice, I think you need to explain things to your boyfriend. Tell he that he should have spoken up, because to make you be the only person who doesn't get a family/friends discount makes you feel like you weren't considered to be a family/friend member, and that he wouldn't speak up to include you makes you feel like he was ok with that.
Some people - and I'm assuming the sister is one - are weird about discounts. I've been with members of my in-laws family where they chose a restaurant based on the fact that they had coupons for it (which would apply only to them.) I guess they figure that people who weren't going to get a discount anyway shouldn't mind if someone else in the party does get one, because it's no skin off their nose... but they are wrong; it is VERY rude; it sets up a you/us division that has no place at a shared meal.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:37 AM on March 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
Since I think the problem started with cluelessness rather than malice, I think you need to explain things to your boyfriend. Tell he that he should have spoken up, because to make you be the only person who doesn't get a family/friends discount makes you feel like you weren't considered to be a family/friend member, and that he wouldn't speak up to include you makes you feel like he was ok with that.
Some people - and I'm assuming the sister is one - are weird about discounts. I've been with members of my in-laws family where they chose a restaurant based on the fact that they had coupons for it (which would apply only to them.) I guess they figure that people who weren't going to get a discount anyway shouldn't mind if someone else in the party does get one, because it's no skin off their nose... but they are wrong; it is VERY rude; it sets up a you/us division that has no place at a shared meal.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:37 AM on March 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
Yes, it's very weird. But just let it go. In the grand scheme of in-law drama this is not that bad. You have every right to dislike it, but do yourself a favor and don't let her get under your skin. Life is So. Much. Better. when you don't give in-laws the power to hurt & offend you.
Consider it a "lesson learned" about her.
posted by Neekee at 10:43 AM on March 14, 2015 [4 favorites]
Consider it a "lesson learned" about her.
posted by Neekee at 10:43 AM on March 14, 2015 [4 favorites]
I was waiting for the thread to fill up a bit before answering. These types of questions usually gather a variety of answers.
Your boyfriend is entirely at fault, and no, this isn't some weird restaurant employee policy, (and no you did not need to ask to be included in the discount!!) so please don't entertain such silliness (source: worked many many years in restaurants, eaten at many fine dining and casual establishments, have read a few books on restaurant etiquette.) You present a straightforward situation - either the sister should have informed you if a policy prevented you from receiving a discount when the invitation was extended and let you decide to dine with the group or not, or she could have presented options for mitigating your costs. Mostly, you should have been informed ahead if this discount was out of her control.
Your boyfriend was not required to make a scene when you were (both)blindsided with this insult, but his cluelessness speaks volumes.
I'm going to offer up to you that there is a better life out there, and a better family/boyfriend to consider marrying. I absolutely do NOT recommend pitching a fit on any level about this to anyone, rather....
You've just received the information that some people in your social circle are game playing assholes who enjoy actively and openly hurting others, and your boyfriend is a wishy washy dish rag, which is partly why this happened on his "watch," so to speak. Except it was your watch, because you were paying. The whole thing is yucky.
You can limit exposure to his sister into the the future, but I would not want to date anyone who missed such obvious social cruelty towards me, someone who failed to deflect a jab thrown at me by their sister. The sister is throwing a jab at him, too. BTW.
That's a long way of saying these people are ugly drama llamas, life is too short, and you should strongly reconsider your choices. I wasted waaaay too much time on people like this in my 20's and 30's. Not worth it, never works out happily down the road.
posted by jbenben at 10:44 AM on March 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
Your boyfriend is entirely at fault, and no, this isn't some weird restaurant employee policy, (and no you did not need to ask to be included in the discount!!) so please don't entertain such silliness (source: worked many many years in restaurants, eaten at many fine dining and casual establishments, have read a few books on restaurant etiquette.) You present a straightforward situation - either the sister should have informed you if a policy prevented you from receiving a discount when the invitation was extended and let you decide to dine with the group or not, or she could have presented options for mitigating your costs. Mostly, you should have been informed ahead if this discount was out of her control.
Your boyfriend was not required to make a scene when you were (both)blindsided with this insult, but his cluelessness speaks volumes.
I'm going to offer up to you that there is a better life out there, and a better family/boyfriend to consider marrying. I absolutely do NOT recommend pitching a fit on any level about this to anyone, rather....
You've just received the information that some people in your social circle are game playing assholes who enjoy actively and openly hurting others, and your boyfriend is a wishy washy dish rag, which is partly why this happened on his "watch," so to speak. Except it was your watch, because you were paying. The whole thing is yucky.
You can limit exposure to his sister into the the future, but I would not want to date anyone who missed such obvious social cruelty towards me, someone who failed to deflect a jab thrown at me by their sister. The sister is throwing a jab at him, too. BTW.
That's a long way of saying these people are ugly drama llamas, life is too short, and you should strongly reconsider your choices. I wasted waaaay too much time on people like this in my 20's and 30's. Not worth it, never works out happily down the road.
posted by jbenben at 10:44 AM on March 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
Mod note: One comment deleted. Asian_Hunnie, this question is already bordering on chatfilter, and definitely needs to not become a back-and-forth discussion. You've asked, now let people answer and you can mark the ones you find most useful. Thanks.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 10:59 AM on March 14, 2015
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 10:59 AM on March 14, 2015
Well, I think it tends to be rude to split a bill up into what was apparently at least 4 different checks, so there's that. If you guys would have just paid one bill and then settled things yourself, everyone would have gotten the discount with no issues, right? I'm guessing that the sister didn't want to make a fuss about changing your bill after the fact because your party had already created extra trouble for the waitress. (And, I'm confused -- if you were treating your boyfriend, why in the world did you guys have separate checks? Just to mess with the waitress??)
Anyway, I can envision plenty of scenarios in which this was kind of awkward and unfortunate, but with no actual malice behind the situation. Now, if the general context of your interactions with the sister has been that she is rude/thoughtless and seems to be looking for ways to exclude you, then I think that is a larger issue to raise with your boyfriend, and he should talk to her about it in a calm way, at a time when there is not an ongoing conflict. Getting into a big discussion about "Quit excluding girlfriend!" at the end of a meal, when everyone is trying to pack up/settle bills and the restaurant needs to turn over the table is likely to lead to lots of conflict and possibly an unfortunate public scene. If this broader discussion needs to happen, that is one of the worst places for it to happen. On the other hand, if this was some one-off awkwardness and you haven't gotten a weird vibe from her before, you should absolutely let it go and relax. Trying to create a scene about this one-time thing is likely to just create conflict where none existed. And let's be honest, is it really worth it to trash an otherwise good relationship with a potential sister-in-law over twenty bucks or whatever the discount was??
Bottom line: if there's a pattern of bad behavior, deal with that bad behavior at a separate time where conflict is less likely to escalate, If there's no pattern, chill and and acknowledge that even the best of us have bad nights where things don't go quite right and awkwardness ensues.
posted by rainbowbrite at 11:10 AM on March 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
Anyway, I can envision plenty of scenarios in which this was kind of awkward and unfortunate, but with no actual malice behind the situation. Now, if the general context of your interactions with the sister has been that she is rude/thoughtless and seems to be looking for ways to exclude you, then I think that is a larger issue to raise with your boyfriend, and he should talk to her about it in a calm way, at a time when there is not an ongoing conflict. Getting into a big discussion about "Quit excluding girlfriend!" at the end of a meal, when everyone is trying to pack up/settle bills and the restaurant needs to turn over the table is likely to lead to lots of conflict and possibly an unfortunate public scene. If this broader discussion needs to happen, that is one of the worst places for it to happen. On the other hand, if this was some one-off awkwardness and you haven't gotten a weird vibe from her before, you should absolutely let it go and relax. Trying to create a scene about this one-time thing is likely to just create conflict where none existed. And let's be honest, is it really worth it to trash an otherwise good relationship with a potential sister-in-law over twenty bucks or whatever the discount was??
Bottom line: if there's a pattern of bad behavior, deal with that bad behavior at a separate time where conflict is less likely to escalate, If there's no pattern, chill and and acknowledge that even the best of us have bad nights where things don't go quite right and awkwardness ensues.
posted by rainbowbrite at 11:10 AM on March 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
It sounds like this was a miscommunication between the sister and the waitress in terms of who was receiving bills and who was paying them, rather than deliberate rudeness on the part of anyone in particular.
Unless you've seen other signs that this sister doesn't like you, I wouldn't go out of my way to take this situation personally.
posted by jacquilynne at 11:11 AM on March 14, 2015 [8 favorites]
Unless you've seen other signs that this sister doesn't like you, I wouldn't go out of my way to take this situation personally.
posted by jacquilynne at 11:11 AM on March 14, 2015 [8 favorites]
Emily Post would consider your bf's sister the "host" of this restaurant outing, and it is upon her to say, at whatever point, "Sorry OP, looks like only we get discounts, but you do not" + Explanation or Solution. Preferably, this happens before you all sit down.
"but it's very funny because a forum on weddingbee found that I'm completely in the wrong to even feel "entitled" "
The difference must be in the way you explained the situation + people who are clueless about restaurant etiquette.
That said, it is pretty complicated to make a waitress open 3 checks for a table of 5 people. Perhaps this was where the discount trouble began? Your initial narrative puts the sister in the driver's seat on this outing, and one presumes she would know the policies at her place of employment.
posted by jbenben at 11:28 AM on March 14, 2015
"but it's very funny because a forum on weddingbee found that I'm completely in the wrong to even feel "entitled" "
The difference must be in the way you explained the situation + people who are clueless about restaurant etiquette.
That said, it is pretty complicated to make a waitress open 3 checks for a table of 5 people. Perhaps this was where the discount trouble began? Your initial narrative puts the sister in the driver's seat on this outing, and one presumes she would know the policies at her place of employment.
posted by jbenben at 11:28 AM on March 14, 2015
She looked at it and said if I had been on my boyfriend's (her brother's) bill then I would've gotten the discount. What difference does it make when we are TOGETHER (I was treating him)?
Huh? So you paid for yourself and your boyfriend on a single bill, but only he got a discount? But you personally still got the benefits of his discount, correct?
This just seems like a weird situation all around, but food services is a pretty weird. Technically, you're not family and you're furthest from the source of the discount (your boyfriend's sister), but still got the benefit.
So, just chalk up it up to weirdness.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:01 PM on March 14, 2015
Huh? So you paid for yourself and your boyfriend on a single bill, but only he got a discount? But you personally still got the benefits of his discount, correct?
This just seems like a weird situation all around, but food services is a pretty weird. Technically, you're not family and you're furthest from the source of the discount (your boyfriend's sister), but still got the benefit.
So, just chalk up it up to weirdness.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:01 PM on March 14, 2015
I don't think I'd call it rude. It was more of a mistake or misunderstanding. I can see why your boyfriend might have felt unsure of what to do -- his sister's employer has rules, rational or not, for how discounts are done and your BF didn't want to challenge them. Or maybe his sister interpreted the rules oddly and he didn't want to point that out.
Now you're disappointed that you got no discount, and disappointment has turned to irritation. But really the only thing you can do is decide what you might do if a similar case happens in the future. Of course it won't be the same, but you and your boyfriend will probably find yourself with a need/opportunity to speak up and ask for what you want. The more practice you get with this sort of thing, the easier it becomes.
posted by wryly at 12:11 PM on March 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
Now you're disappointed that you got no discount, and disappointment has turned to irritation. But really the only thing you can do is decide what you might do if a similar case happens in the future. Of course it won't be the same, but you and your boyfriend will probably find yourself with a need/opportunity to speak up and ask for what you want. The more practice you get with this sort of thing, the easier it becomes.
posted by wryly at 12:11 PM on March 14, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think it definitely could have been rude, but it's ambiguous. Especially with the complicated check split-up, I'd be more inclined to assume an unintentional screw-up.
But the thing is, you don't actually need to know the answer right now. It's a data point that fits or doesn't fit a larger pattern. If they slight you again next time in the same or a different way, and then again another time, you start treating them as hostile in return. If not, maybe you write it off as a mistake.
I think a lot of unnecessary relationship drama starts with assigning a definite meaning to a single isolated event. Avoid that.
posted by ctmf at 12:44 PM on March 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
But the thing is, you don't actually need to know the answer right now. It's a data point that fits or doesn't fit a larger pattern. If they slight you again next time in the same or a different way, and then again another time, you start treating them as hostile in return. If not, maybe you write it off as a mistake.
I think a lot of unnecessary relationship drama starts with assigning a definite meaning to a single isolated event. Avoid that.
posted by ctmf at 12:44 PM on March 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
I do think it would be rude on your part to make a stink about getting a discount with someone who didn't want to get it for you for whatever reason, so I don't fault your boyfriend for not making a thing about it at the table.
posted by ctmf at 12:46 PM on March 14, 2015
posted by ctmf at 12:46 PM on March 14, 2015
You know what? It doesn't really matter. You can choose to court drama and make this some kind of barometer of how much your boyfriend loves you, or how much his sister likes you, or whatever. Or you can make the choice to interpret this as charitably as possible and just decide this was just a misunderstanding, poor communication or planning on her part, or a really dumb restaurant policy.
You get to choose.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:48 PM on March 14, 2015 [26 favorites]
You get to choose.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:48 PM on March 14, 2015 [26 favorites]
What DarlingBri said times a million. I actually had to read and re-read this question a couple times to figure out what you were so upset about; it sort of sounds like the classic mountain out of a molehill to me. Seems like at most, there was a misunderstanding of some sort, and perhaps your boyfriend and his sister didn't quite realize that there was a problem until the bills came, or thought it was too awkward to deal with, or what have you. But more than that? No way. And I certainly wouldn't go breaking up with the guy because of this! Sheesh.
posted by holborne at 2:10 PM on March 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by holborne at 2:10 PM on March 14, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm afraid that the person who comes across as looking bad in this post is you. Please don't get me wrong, I too am prone to severe overreactions to perceived rudeness (I think the death penalty is fair punishment for those who walk down crowded city streets with huge golf umbrellas, for example), but this is super petty. Clearly you must have some anxieties about your boyfriend, but stewing about this slight is not helpful to anyone.
First off, a discount is like a gift; it isn't something that is owed or can be demanded.
Second, if you have to ask, is this rude?, it is probably wise to just let it go.
Third, people tend to respond to you as you have responded to them. So if you interpret this person in an uncharitable way, she is likely to do the same to you. Do you really want these sort of bad feelings between you and your partner's family?
posted by girl flaneur at 4:44 PM on March 14, 2015
First off, a discount is like a gift; it isn't something that is owed or can be demanded.
Second, if you have to ask, is this rude?, it is probably wise to just let it go.
Third, people tend to respond to you as you have responded to them. So if you interpret this person in an uncharitable way, she is likely to do the same to you. Do you really want these sort of bad feelings between you and your partner's family?
posted by girl flaneur at 4:44 PM on March 14, 2015
What's at stake here - 10 bucks? 20?
What's it worth?
posted by Miko at 9:12 PM on March 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
What's it worth?
posted by Miko at 9:12 PM on March 14, 2015 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by saucysault at 10:04 AM on March 14, 2015 [1 favorite]