Dealing with grief and stupid things people say
March 14, 2015 6:26 AM
My grandmother passed away last week. The viewing and funeral have already been held. I am now trying to deal with people who mean well, but say some incredibly dumb things. What are some good tactics?
So grief and death are not things I have a ton of experience with. My grandmother died last week in her early 90s after a few years of various health ailments. Her passing, needless to say, was not unexpected. I cried during a lot of the funeral and had some bad moments in the days prior.
I find that most of my friends mean well, but the stupid things people say following a death are now starting to rear themselves and get me angry. Some examples:
-A friend who, when I told him about feeling unsure of dealing with grief while also dealing with the possibility of getting fired from my job, gave a lecture on how important it is to put 110% into my job and how bad my resume will look if I get fired.
-Another friend who told me after the funeral, "You need to grieve! That's just my opinion, though." (I was telling her about how I am trying to get my life back to normal, and she did not seem to embrace this or encourage it. My grandmother was very resilient and had the approach of not wanting us to stop our lives for her.)
-I told my boss at my second job (not the job I could get fired from) that I would be out until next week but would put a few days of work in before the viewing and funeral. She piled on work to do and then got upset when I didn't answer her e-mail because she has work that needs to be done and why am I not listening to her? Mind you, I informed her on Monday morning what was going on and when I would be available and she never replied because she's been rather swamped herself.
-I rescheduled a doctor's appointment that was originally on the books for yesterday, the day of the funeral. I had to reschedule for obvious reasons. The receptionist at the doctor did NOT put this on the books and I came out of the funeral lunch to a voice mail asking why I hadn't shown up for my appointment. I am now furious with them and debating not going to them anymore even though Rational Me knows the receptionist, who is still somewhat new and inexperienced, made a mistake that anyone could make.
Is there any way to shut down some of these people without burning bridges? The friends in question have been friends for a while, with one being a long-term (10+ years) friendship. My boss is also typically great, so I'm not sure why she failed to notice my original check-in to her about my grandmother's death. The doctor's office...well the receptionist is a new-ish hire and still trying to figure things out. I feel I should be more understanding of her and not angry.
Any advice on how I can keep my sanity while trying to politely tell people off?
So grief and death are not things I have a ton of experience with. My grandmother died last week in her early 90s after a few years of various health ailments. Her passing, needless to say, was not unexpected. I cried during a lot of the funeral and had some bad moments in the days prior.
I find that most of my friends mean well, but the stupid things people say following a death are now starting to rear themselves and get me angry. Some examples:
-A friend who, when I told him about feeling unsure of dealing with grief while also dealing with the possibility of getting fired from my job, gave a lecture on how important it is to put 110% into my job and how bad my resume will look if I get fired.
-Another friend who told me after the funeral, "You need to grieve! That's just my opinion, though." (I was telling her about how I am trying to get my life back to normal, and she did not seem to embrace this or encourage it. My grandmother was very resilient and had the approach of not wanting us to stop our lives for her.)
-I told my boss at my second job (not the job I could get fired from) that I would be out until next week but would put a few days of work in before the viewing and funeral. She piled on work to do and then got upset when I didn't answer her e-mail because she has work that needs to be done and why am I not listening to her? Mind you, I informed her on Monday morning what was going on and when I would be available and she never replied because she's been rather swamped herself.
-I rescheduled a doctor's appointment that was originally on the books for yesterday, the day of the funeral. I had to reschedule for obvious reasons. The receptionist at the doctor did NOT put this on the books and I came out of the funeral lunch to a voice mail asking why I hadn't shown up for my appointment. I am now furious with them and debating not going to them anymore even though Rational Me knows the receptionist, who is still somewhat new and inexperienced, made a mistake that anyone could make.
Is there any way to shut down some of these people without burning bridges? The friends in question have been friends for a while, with one being a long-term (10+ years) friendship. My boss is also typically great, so I'm not sure why she failed to notice my original check-in to her about my grandmother's death. The doctor's office...well the receptionist is a new-ish hire and still trying to figure things out. I feel I should be more understanding of her and not angry.
Any advice on how I can keep my sanity while trying to politely tell people off?
I would take the emotion out of it and stick with the facts.
To your friends who say stupid crap - well, people do say stupid crap so I think the best option is to hold your tongue and then, when it's your turn to comfort them, try to lead by example and do a better job.
If it does come up again, to the first friend I would say, "right, I know how important my job is and I'm doing everything I can to keep it. I wasn't actually asking for advice on that, but expressing worry about how I was going to handle that in combination with this emotional and family crisis." If they go on: "Cut out the criticism," and refuse to discuss it any further.
What the second friend said was just completely vacuous, so I would suggest you pretend they never said it.
As for the doctor's office, I would suggest calling back and explaining that you did in fact reschedule because the appointment coincided with your grandmother's funeral, and you were surprised to get their voicemail message literally as you were coming out of the funeral home. You'd like to make sure that the time you rescheduled for actually is confirmed, please?
As for your boss, I think the safest path for you is to apologize. Explain that you thought you had been clear about your availability in the face of your grandmother's funeral but that you are sorry to have dropped the ball - you certainly are receptive to your boss's messages and you definitely did not intend to ignore her. This may hurt, but you're not in the position of power here.
In general, I find that people are either very sensitive and angelically supportive, or totally crass. There's no in between. Unfortunately it's just all part of the experience.
posted by tel3path at 6:50 AM on March 14, 2015
To your friends who say stupid crap - well, people do say stupid crap so I think the best option is to hold your tongue and then, when it's your turn to comfort them, try to lead by example and do a better job.
If it does come up again, to the first friend I would say, "right, I know how important my job is and I'm doing everything I can to keep it. I wasn't actually asking for advice on that, but expressing worry about how I was going to handle that in combination with this emotional and family crisis." If they go on: "Cut out the criticism," and refuse to discuss it any further.
What the second friend said was just completely vacuous, so I would suggest you pretend they never said it.
As for the doctor's office, I would suggest calling back and explaining that you did in fact reschedule because the appointment coincided with your grandmother's funeral, and you were surprised to get their voicemail message literally as you were coming out of the funeral home. You'd like to make sure that the time you rescheduled for actually is confirmed, please?
As for your boss, I think the safest path for you is to apologize. Explain that you thought you had been clear about your availability in the face of your grandmother's funeral but that you are sorry to have dropped the ball - you certainly are receptive to your boss's messages and you definitely did not intend to ignore her. This may hurt, but you're not in the position of power here.
In general, I find that people are either very sensitive and angelically supportive, or totally crass. There's no in between. Unfortunately it's just all part of the experience.
posted by tel3path at 6:50 AM on March 14, 2015
Aw, you. I'm so sorry for your loss, you sound like you're going through a really hard time right now.
From the outside, most of these offenses aren't really bridge-burners -- but because you're in a super stressful emotional place, everything hurts more than normal. Your shell's been torn off and you're all raw underneath, and it sounds like the way you're reacting to anything touching you in those raw places is anger. So my advice to you would be to extend extra kindness to yourself, recognize that the feelings you have going on aren't always going to be 100% proportional to the offense, and that's fine.
And then set aside the rage and move on with your life, like you think your grandmother would want. So call the doctor and reschedule, send the email tel3path suggests to your boss, and just ignore the friend who told you to grieve -- I mean that's literally a friend expressing an opinion on what they think would be helpful, just like people will be doing here. The friend with the lecture sounds tone-deaf and hurtful, but it also seems like that comes from a place of concern over your long-term well-being, so maybe try to acknowledge that positive intent.
But these are all one-off incidents and not ongoing ways of people treating you forever now, so I don't know that there's anything you need to do to shut people down as such. Doing so might be temporarily cathartic but would come at the expense of your good relations with these people going forward.
One more thing: In times of mourning, I have found it really helpful to have other things to do and focus on. Dive into doing a ton of work, or clean the house, or whatever. If you have something to do where you can lose yourself for a while, maybe give yourself some extra time to spend on that.
posted by Andrhia at 7:05 AM on March 14, 2015
From the outside, most of these offenses aren't really bridge-burners -- but because you're in a super stressful emotional place, everything hurts more than normal. Your shell's been torn off and you're all raw underneath, and it sounds like the way you're reacting to anything touching you in those raw places is anger. So my advice to you would be to extend extra kindness to yourself, recognize that the feelings you have going on aren't always going to be 100% proportional to the offense, and that's fine.
And then set aside the rage and move on with your life, like you think your grandmother would want. So call the doctor and reschedule, send the email tel3path suggests to your boss, and just ignore the friend who told you to grieve -- I mean that's literally a friend expressing an opinion on what they think would be helpful, just like people will be doing here. The friend with the lecture sounds tone-deaf and hurtful, but it also seems like that comes from a place of concern over your long-term well-being, so maybe try to acknowledge that positive intent.
But these are all one-off incidents and not ongoing ways of people treating you forever now, so I don't know that there's anything you need to do to shut people down as such. Doing so might be temporarily cathartic but would come at the expense of your good relations with these people going forward.
One more thing: In times of mourning, I have found it really helpful to have other things to do and focus on. Dive into doing a ton of work, or clean the house, or whatever. If you have something to do where you can lose yourself for a while, maybe give yourself some extra time to spend on that.
posted by Andrhia at 7:05 AM on March 14, 2015
I don't think you get to be mad at your friends here. (I mean, of course you "get" to do whatever, but you know what I mean) Both of them were trying to be nice, especially the one who said "you need to grieve!" Also, both of your friends are right. You DO need to grieve, and it WILL be bad for your references if you loose a job. Even if you don't want to hear either of those things.
Your boss and he receptionist, on the other hand, both fucked up bad in my opinion. And as doctors charge you for missed appointments, I would not hesitate to gently inform a supervisor about that one.
Your boss is majorly in the wrong, the most "in the wrong" IMO out of all these people. Get everything in writing and know the legality of the situation re: your rights for vacation days etc. She should apologize to you, not the other way around.
posted by quincunx at 7:09 AM on March 14, 2015
Your boss and he receptionist, on the other hand, both fucked up bad in my opinion. And as doctors charge you for missed appointments, I would not hesitate to gently inform a supervisor about that one.
Your boss is majorly in the wrong, the most "in the wrong" IMO out of all these people. Get everything in writing and know the legality of the situation re: your rights for vacation days etc. She should apologize to you, not the other way around.
posted by quincunx at 7:09 AM on March 14, 2015
With both of your friends, it sounds like they were trying to offer advice/help, albeit in an extremely unhelpful way. I'd cut them some slack if you can, because everybody's got their own baggage around death, and their own approach to dealing with it, and that can make it really hard to do the right thing for a friend who's grieving. Though maybe just give both friendships a brief (unstated) break for the time being if you don't feel they can be helpful.
Your boss was a jerk, and I would suggest just not bringing it up again unless she does. If she does, calmly and respectfully remind her that you had told her about the loss in your family and that you would not be available for work, and then reassure her that you are back on regular hours (if that's the case) and ready to get to work.
posted by lunasol at 7:10 AM on March 14, 2015
Your boss was a jerk, and I would suggest just not bringing it up again unless she does. If she does, calmly and respectfully remind her that you had told her about the loss in your family and that you would not be available for work, and then reassure her that you are back on regular hours (if that's the case) and ready to get to work.
posted by lunasol at 7:10 AM on March 14, 2015
You don't "need to" grieve, you are already doing it. Your heightened awareness of the nonchalance or stupidity you get from these people is a sure sign, in my experience.
Such heightened awareness is a good thing: you likely will eventually end up having to burn a few bridges - those that needed burning. Knee-jerk-reactions may not be equally good, however, so in your place, I would postpone any drastic action, as hard as that likely is.
What you could do is to inform your boss again what has been going on in your life, and kindly ask her for giving you a bit of rope. Informing people is never wrong, and if they don't get it the first time, a second one is just fine.
In the same vein, you could point out to the doctor's office that it was not you who messed up; and what's more, that you canceled the doctor's appointment for a funeral of a dear person, and that you are not best pleased having to listen to stupid voice messages on top of it all.
As to your friends, if you're mellow-minded, you'll understand that they perhaps have a hard time finding the appropriate words, and thus fall back on some or other half-digested stock wisdom that makes little sense without a specific context (even if a reality check as to their general usefulness as "friends" may be in order after some time).
posted by Namlit at 7:23 AM on March 14, 2015
Such heightened awareness is a good thing: you likely will eventually end up having to burn a few bridges - those that needed burning. Knee-jerk-reactions may not be equally good, however, so in your place, I would postpone any drastic action, as hard as that likely is.
What you could do is to inform your boss again what has been going on in your life, and kindly ask her for giving you a bit of rope. Informing people is never wrong, and if they don't get it the first time, a second one is just fine.
In the same vein, you could point out to the doctor's office that it was not you who messed up; and what's more, that you canceled the doctor's appointment for a funeral of a dear person, and that you are not best pleased having to listen to stupid voice messages on top of it all.
As to your friends, if you're mellow-minded, you'll understand that they perhaps have a hard time finding the appropriate words, and thus fall back on some or other half-digested stock wisdom that makes little sense without a specific context (even if a reality check as to their general usefulness as "friends" may be in order after some time).
posted by Namlit at 7:23 AM on March 14, 2015
People are dumb and say dumb things. Just take care of yourself right now and take a break from them.
posted by discopolo at 7:24 AM on March 14, 2015
posted by discopolo at 7:24 AM on March 14, 2015
I am sorry for your loss.
These kinds of annoyances are the last thing you expect to feel in the middle of serious grief, but somehow they seem to crop up. For what it's worth, I think your boss let you down a bit, but it sounds like you have handled that as well as you can. Same with the doc's office; vexing but you have a handle on it.
The situation with your friends, now. The guy in the first example was not being a good friend just at that moment. Rubbing it in that you have a potential problem-- which you are not unaware of-- is undermining even if you are not already in a vulnerable position. If this is a pattern with him, it may be that the friendship needs to be reconsidered. But, after my mother died, I arrived at a policy of giving people a pass about anything they say around the time you lose a family member. I actually proposed to my father we all issue a blanket get out of jail free card for things said during that period, because anger about that kind of thing was causing exhausting fighting within our family.
If your friends are otherwise good friends, you can recognize that they hurt your feelings but just chalk it up to inexperience, clumsily trying to help, or whatever you think it was, and move on. That would be my default. At least they were there, right?
Wishing you the best.
posted by BibiRose at 7:32 AM on March 14, 2015
These kinds of annoyances are the last thing you expect to feel in the middle of serious grief, but somehow they seem to crop up. For what it's worth, I think your boss let you down a bit, but it sounds like you have handled that as well as you can. Same with the doc's office; vexing but you have a handle on it.
The situation with your friends, now. The guy in the first example was not being a good friend just at that moment. Rubbing it in that you have a potential problem-- which you are not unaware of-- is undermining even if you are not already in a vulnerable position. If this is a pattern with him, it may be that the friendship needs to be reconsidered. But, after my mother died, I arrived at a policy of giving people a pass about anything they say around the time you lose a family member. I actually proposed to my father we all issue a blanket get out of jail free card for things said during that period, because anger about that kind of thing was causing exhausting fighting within our family.
If your friends are otherwise good friends, you can recognize that they hurt your feelings but just chalk it up to inexperience, clumsily trying to help, or whatever you think it was, and move on. That would be my default. At least they were there, right?
Wishing you the best.
posted by BibiRose at 7:32 AM on March 14, 2015
I had a range of stupid stuff said to me after my father died. The best thing seems to be to find a sympathetic friend and complain to them, and leave it at that.
posted by telophase at 7:43 AM on March 14, 2015
posted by telophase at 7:43 AM on March 14, 2015
"People are dumb and say dumb things. Just take care of yourself right now and take a break from them." Worry about forgiving them for their insensitivity later, when you have the emotional space for it. Worry about engaging them on their other concerns when you have the emotional space for it. Worry about telling them how unkind their words felt, later, when you have the emotional space for it. Right now, change the subject when they bring it up or walk away. Surround yourself with friends who have more sensitivity and kindness.
As for your boss, get the work done that you can, prioritizing tasks that other people need done in order to do their own work. Remind your boss that you are dealing with your grandmother's death and her funeral and the aftermath and you will get your work done as you can. It will be difficult to not sound angry at your boss, but try. She was a jerk and she let you down. It should not be your problem, but unfortunately, if you blow up at her, it will be.
As for the doctor's office--you're right; it was a dumb mistake the receptionist made which anyone could have made and hit you in a bad place at a vulnerable time. I would let it slide because it really was not about you--unless you're charged for a missed appointment. Then I would ask to speak to the office manager and politely tell her you had canceled and rescheduled to travel for a funeral and the error is on their end.
posted by crush-onastick at 7:51 AM on March 14, 2015
As for your boss, get the work done that you can, prioritizing tasks that other people need done in order to do their own work. Remind your boss that you are dealing with your grandmother's death and her funeral and the aftermath and you will get your work done as you can. It will be difficult to not sound angry at your boss, but try. She was a jerk and she let you down. It should not be your problem, but unfortunately, if you blow up at her, it will be.
As for the doctor's office--you're right; it was a dumb mistake the receptionist made which anyone could have made and hit you in a bad place at a vulnerable time. I would let it slide because it really was not about you--unless you're charged for a missed appointment. Then I would ask to speak to the office manager and politely tell her you had canceled and rescheduled to travel for a funeral and the error is on their end.
posted by crush-onastick at 7:51 AM on March 14, 2015
"This too shall pass." Something you can say to your friends and to yourself. Even to yourself about your friends' obnoxiousness. You may also find someone to commiserate with about things people say. When my grandmother passed, someone actually said to me, "Well, she was old." The person who said that was not a bad person. Sometimes people just have no idea how to deal with grief, and say silly things, or latch on to the part of the problem they can conceptualize best.
Allow yourself to feel your strong feelings. Try not to focus on them, but don't fight them. Take deep breaths and let the moment pass.
An agitated state perfectly normal at a time like this. Feel your anger. If you have to express your anger, try no to do it at people. It's pretty therapeutic to imagine someone's face on a pillow before pounding the heck out of it... like a receptionist's face... a supervisor's face. ;)
posted by zennie at 7:55 AM on March 14, 2015
Allow yourself to feel your strong feelings. Try not to focus on them, but don't fight them. Take deep breaths and let the moment pass.
An agitated state perfectly normal at a time like this. Feel your anger. If you have to express your anger, try no to do it at people. It's pretty therapeutic to imagine someone's face on a pillow before pounding the heck out of it... like a receptionist's face... a supervisor's face. ;)
posted by zennie at 7:55 AM on March 14, 2015
I think it's telling that the two friends gave you essentially opposite pieces of advice and you found both of them extremely aggravating. People like to offer advice, even when they have no idea what the hell they're talking about. Right now, you're not in a mindset to let that shit roll off your back in the way that you likely do when you're not already upset by something else. It's probable that these friends also offer somewhat stupid advice in other situations, but you're able to internally file it under 'Dumb -- Ignore' and move on.
There's really no point in going back and having it out with these people. You'll be more upset than a few careless but well-meant remarks would seem to justify and you'll likely end up harming friendships in a way you'll regret.
The doctors office is a similar sort of thing -- it's an ordinary snafu, the kind of thing that you'd be mildly piqued about normally, but the heightened emotional context both makes the snafu more painful and makes your reaction much larger. One messed up appointment reschedule is not the sort of thing you'd normally change doctors over, is it? Then it's not really a reason to do so now. Complain if you like, but I'd suggest doing it by email or letter, unless you can do it in person in a fairly calm manner. You don't want to be dismissed as a raving lunatic, which is what tends to happen to even perfectly valid complaints when offered poorly.
Your boss has obviously completely dropped the ball on something, though if your only communication with her about taking days off was an email to which she never replied, that's not super great communication on your side, either. If you think she was deliberately ignoring you because it was news she didn't want to hear and she intended to steamroll straight through your days off, then you may want to reconsider working for her. If you think it was more of a slip-up, just mention again that you were off for your grandmother's funeral, referring back to your earlier communication about that and let her know when you'll be back up to your usual response times.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:59 AM on March 14, 2015
There's really no point in going back and having it out with these people. You'll be more upset than a few careless but well-meant remarks would seem to justify and you'll likely end up harming friendships in a way you'll regret.
The doctors office is a similar sort of thing -- it's an ordinary snafu, the kind of thing that you'd be mildly piqued about normally, but the heightened emotional context both makes the snafu more painful and makes your reaction much larger. One messed up appointment reschedule is not the sort of thing you'd normally change doctors over, is it? Then it's not really a reason to do so now. Complain if you like, but I'd suggest doing it by email or letter, unless you can do it in person in a fairly calm manner. You don't want to be dismissed as a raving lunatic, which is what tends to happen to even perfectly valid complaints when offered poorly.
Your boss has obviously completely dropped the ball on something, though if your only communication with her about taking days off was an email to which she never replied, that's not super great communication on your side, either. If you think she was deliberately ignoring you because it was news she didn't want to hear and she intended to steamroll straight through your days off, then you may want to reconsider working for her. If you think it was more of a slip-up, just mention again that you were off for your grandmother's funeral, referring back to your earlier communication about that and let her know when you'll be back up to your usual response times.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:59 AM on March 14, 2015
Grief at this level can definitely mean finding out the hard way that close friends aren't compatible in this category. Whether that's a dealbreaker or not is up to you, but you really don't have to make those decisions right now -- and probably shouldn't, to be honest.
In many cases, saying "I'm sorry, but this isn't helpful to me." to friends (who probably weren't intending to upset you) is much better than letting it fester. If you can follow that with a hard steer of the conversation into where you'd prefer it to go, that can help as well.
I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by gnomeloaf at 8:01 AM on March 14, 2015
In many cases, saying "I'm sorry, but this isn't helpful to me." to friends (who probably weren't intending to upset you) is much better than letting it fester. If you can follow that with a hard steer of the conversation into where you'd prefer it to go, that can help as well.
I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by gnomeloaf at 8:01 AM on March 14, 2015
I think your reaction to get angry is really normal. I had a similar experience after I lost my son due to a premature birth and a heart problem. In the aftermath of his death I got all kinds of advice from people who had absolutely no experience similar to mine. I had people completely ignore what had happened and never mention our loss at all. I had unreasonable expectations from administration at my graduate program (at one point I was told I was going to have to wait to graduate an entire year in order to make up a one day seminar I missed while I was admitted to the hospital trying to keep my son alive and from being born too early).
I was really angry at people, like pretty much almost all of the people, for a very long time. It took distance from his death and help from a grief counselor to help me get over those feelings. For me, a person who is normally very slow to anger and can usually shake off other people's issues pretty easily, my anger stemmed more from the sadness about his loss and the injustice of his loss more than what I actually felt about those insensitive people's actions.
Our society is so removed from the concept of death that very few people know the healthy way to process these things and/or how to interact with the bereaved. I mean our avoidance of death and dying is so pervasive we have snake oil salesman selling youth elixirs, cosmetic companies showing us the best techniques to look younger, and supermarkets that make obtaining meat to consume a sterile and unemotional process in order to disconnect us from the knowledge that something living was killed. To some degree I know that before I really had to deal with death in a very real, raw and ugly way that I was as disconnected as most others in this society are.
Once I began making this connection between action (idiotic advice, no acknowledgment, insensitivity..) and likely causality I stopped getting as angry. I've even almost forgiven some of the worst offenders knowing that at their heart they weren't bad just lucky to never have had to learn (yet) how painful the death of a child or a loved one is.
I am not trying to justify the inappropriate reactions of the people in your life but pointing out that ultimately the way you feel about it and how you view them is a choice you can make.
I'm sorry for the loss of your grandmother.
posted by teamnap at 8:06 AM on March 14, 2015
I was really angry at people, like pretty much almost all of the people, for a very long time. It took distance from his death and help from a grief counselor to help me get over those feelings. For me, a person who is normally very slow to anger and can usually shake off other people's issues pretty easily, my anger stemmed more from the sadness about his loss and the injustice of his loss more than what I actually felt about those insensitive people's actions.
Our society is so removed from the concept of death that very few people know the healthy way to process these things and/or how to interact with the bereaved. I mean our avoidance of death and dying is so pervasive we have snake oil salesman selling youth elixirs, cosmetic companies showing us the best techniques to look younger, and supermarkets that make obtaining meat to consume a sterile and unemotional process in order to disconnect us from the knowledge that something living was killed. To some degree I know that before I really had to deal with death in a very real, raw and ugly way that I was as disconnected as most others in this society are.
Once I began making this connection between action (idiotic advice, no acknowledgment, insensitivity..) and likely causality I stopped getting as angry. I've even almost forgiven some of the worst offenders knowing that at their heart they weren't bad just lucky to never have had to learn (yet) how painful the death of a child or a loved one is.
I am not trying to justify the inappropriate reactions of the people in your life but pointing out that ultimately the way you feel about it and how you view them is a choice you can make.
I'm sorry for the loss of your grandmother.
posted by teamnap at 8:06 AM on March 14, 2015
I think it's been said here on Metafilter a few times: "Never attribute to malice that which can be explained by stupidity".
I find it kind of incredible that people can be so stupid about death and grief and loss even if we all encounter it at some point, but that's the way it is. I would say deal with your friends in the way you'd deal with them if they just said something stupid, not sonething hurtful. Cause they were NOT trying to be hurtful.
The boss and the doctor thing were also probably not done to hurt you or anyone, but people mess up at work all the time. Don't feel entitled to a higher degree of awareness from them relating to you, just because you are dealing with the death of someone you love.
Finally, on dealing with your personal grief, I can only say that the pain of losing someone doesn't go away, but the sadness you wake up with does. Give yourself permission to cry and miss your grandma, but do remember that passing away at 90 years is a privilege, and after the initial pain of death, remembering her will be more about the celebration of her life. I send you a hug. Just yesterday I was thinking about and missing my own Abuela.
posted by CrazyLemonade at 8:29 AM on March 14, 2015
I find it kind of incredible that people can be so stupid about death and grief and loss even if we all encounter it at some point, but that's the way it is. I would say deal with your friends in the way you'd deal with them if they just said something stupid, not sonething hurtful. Cause they were NOT trying to be hurtful.
The boss and the doctor thing were also probably not done to hurt you or anyone, but people mess up at work all the time. Don't feel entitled to a higher degree of awareness from them relating to you, just because you are dealing with the death of someone you love.
Finally, on dealing with your personal grief, I can only say that the pain of losing someone doesn't go away, but the sadness you wake up with does. Give yourself permission to cry and miss your grandma, but do remember that passing away at 90 years is a privilege, and after the initial pain of death, remembering her will be more about the celebration of her life. I send you a hug. Just yesterday I was thinking about and missing my own Abuela.
posted by CrazyLemonade at 8:29 AM on March 14, 2015
I think not everyone can relate to this kind of thing. People who are close to their grandmother will get it, others won't. I think I'd say something like "My grandmother, who I loved, just died. That's what's going on with me right now." and leave it at that to people like your boss.
I never knew my grandmother who lived on the other side of the US and sewed intricate smocked dresses for me as a toddler. Either no one ever told me when she died or I was too young to understand.
But now I am a grandmother to a 2 year old. I like to think she would be sad and miss me, but also be strong about it, like you (and which maybe you got that from her - nice.)
posted by knolan at 8:31 AM on March 14, 2015
I never knew my grandmother who lived on the other side of the US and sewed intricate smocked dresses for me as a toddler. Either no one ever told me when she died or I was too young to understand.
But now I am a grandmother to a 2 year old. I like to think she would be sad and miss me, but also be strong about it, like you (and which maybe you got that from her - nice.)
posted by knolan at 8:31 AM on March 14, 2015
The first thing is that I'd do is separate the work/professional relationships from the personal relationships.
On the personal side, please operate from the assumption that all, not most, of your friends are trying to be caring and loving to you. They are just expressing it in awkward ways. Every time someone asks you how you're doing, or says something else awkward, in your head, deliberately think "My friend cares about me and is expressing support and concern." And then ask them for a hug (if you like hugs) and thank them for their support.
On the professional side:
For the doctor, send them a calm email that says that you spoke with receptionist A at TIME and informed her due to a death in the family, you wouldn't be able to make the appointment. Decide what to do next with that doctor/patient relationship based on their reply.
For the boss, it sounds like you maybe told the boss you'd be out for several days via email and she (because she gets a lot of email) didn't read the email in a timely manner. For now, I'd just call the boss and explain, apologize for the miscommunication and ask if there is a better way to communicate with her (for example, text or phone calls or messages with her admin). For next time, when you're planning to be off work, make sure you get a response to your message. If you don't get a reply to your email, call or text to be sure she has it.
posted by arnicae at 8:56 AM on March 14, 2015
On the personal side, please operate from the assumption that all, not most, of your friends are trying to be caring and loving to you. They are just expressing it in awkward ways. Every time someone asks you how you're doing, or says something else awkward, in your head, deliberately think "My friend cares about me and is expressing support and concern." And then ask them for a hug (if you like hugs) and thank them for their support.
On the professional side:
For the doctor, send them a calm email that says that you spoke with receptionist A at TIME and informed her due to a death in the family, you wouldn't be able to make the appointment. Decide what to do next with that doctor/patient relationship based on their reply.
For the boss, it sounds like you maybe told the boss you'd be out for several days via email and she (because she gets a lot of email) didn't read the email in a timely manner. For now, I'd just call the boss and explain, apologize for the miscommunication and ask if there is a better way to communicate with her (for example, text or phone calls or messages with her admin). For next time, when you're planning to be off work, make sure you get a response to your message. If you don't get a reply to your email, call or text to be sure she has it.
posted by arnicae at 8:56 AM on March 14, 2015
For what it's worth, a lot of people don't know what to say to someone who has just lost a loved one. As these are long-term friends, I would try and assume goodwill on their part - it's clear they just want you to be taken care of.
Right now you are probably a tightly wound ball of all kinds of emotions, as to be expected. I imagine that as you process through what is going on, you'll be able to look past these interactions you had.
posted by _DB_ at 9:22 AM on March 14, 2015
Right now you are probably a tightly wound ball of all kinds of emotions, as to be expected. I imagine that as you process through what is going on, you'll be able to look past these interactions you had.
posted by _DB_ at 9:22 AM on March 14, 2015
I'm sorry for the loss you are dealing with. We're in extremely similar situationd at the moment... I too have a grandmother who is very ill and will be passing away any day now according to her doctors. It's hard. Every time I see her she begs for me to come back and visit sooner.
I understand your pain and frustration. As an outside observer, though, I think this pain and frustration is making you overreact to some pretty pedestrian challenges. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I think when you look back on this time in the future once your pain has subsided, you'll feel the same way. "Rational Me" will be more in charge at that point... try to see if you can speed that process up and put "Rational Me" in charge now.
When it comes to your two friends, just remember that it's an annoying part of human nature to give unsolicited advice and encouragement when someone is complaining or venting. You were describing your challenge to your friends and they responded the way most people do. Neither piece of advice was horrendously awful and neither friend was being a jerk. You just didn't want to hear any advice at all, it sounds like. Totally understandable why you didn't, but it doesn't make your friends people worth breaking it off with.
Your boss didn't listen to you clearly enough about your availability. That sucks and it was a poor management move, but it happens quite a bit with bad bosses (and there are plenty of bad bosses out there). Is this something the boss does all the time? Then I'd look for a new job. But since you say the boss is pretty decent and this was a one-off, just try to politely address it in your next one-on-one meeting with her. People miss out on reading emails all the time and I'm sure she meant no offense.
Your doctor's office made a mistake, for sure, but a very common one. Take it in stride... nobody meant to make your life more difficult. Try to call them or go in to explain, and be firm and polite in doing so. It happens. If they're a good office overall then I wouldn't let one offense ruin that... think about all the work it takes to find a good doctor these days.
I understand your frustration, but bottom line- try not to let these minor offenses get to you so much. Let "Rational Me" win out and try not to "tell off" any of these people.
posted by Old Man McKay at 9:24 AM on March 14, 2015
I understand your pain and frustration. As an outside observer, though, I think this pain and frustration is making you overreact to some pretty pedestrian challenges. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I think when you look back on this time in the future once your pain has subsided, you'll feel the same way. "Rational Me" will be more in charge at that point... try to see if you can speed that process up and put "Rational Me" in charge now.
When it comes to your two friends, just remember that it's an annoying part of human nature to give unsolicited advice and encouragement when someone is complaining or venting. You were describing your challenge to your friends and they responded the way most people do. Neither piece of advice was horrendously awful and neither friend was being a jerk. You just didn't want to hear any advice at all, it sounds like. Totally understandable why you didn't, but it doesn't make your friends people worth breaking it off with.
Your boss didn't listen to you clearly enough about your availability. That sucks and it was a poor management move, but it happens quite a bit with bad bosses (and there are plenty of bad bosses out there). Is this something the boss does all the time? Then I'd look for a new job. But since you say the boss is pretty decent and this was a one-off, just try to politely address it in your next one-on-one meeting with her. People miss out on reading emails all the time and I'm sure she meant no offense.
Your doctor's office made a mistake, for sure, but a very common one. Take it in stride... nobody meant to make your life more difficult. Try to call them or go in to explain, and be firm and polite in doing so. It happens. If they're a good office overall then I wouldn't let one offense ruin that... think about all the work it takes to find a good doctor these days.
I understand your frustration, but bottom line- try not to let these minor offenses get to you so much. Let "Rational Me" win out and try not to "tell off" any of these people.
posted by Old Man McKay at 9:24 AM on March 14, 2015
Speaking as a total stranger on the Internet, who is not currently grieving: you sound angry. And hurt. And upset.... And you have every right to be. But please don't project your feelings to what people have said or done. You are seeing malice where there is just cluelessness. The people around you aren't Oracles of Wisdom with all the right answers you need to hear right now. And ultimately, you can't do anything about that. All you can do is handle your own emotions.
It's okay to be more sensitive right now. But again, as a stranger on the Internet who's read your question twice, it sounds more like you are distracting and projecting your pain and grief than actually upset at the people around you.
posted by Neekee at 11:48 AM on March 14, 2015
It's okay to be more sensitive right now. But again, as a stranger on the Internet who's read your question twice, it sounds more like you are distracting and projecting your pain and grief than actually upset at the people around you.
posted by Neekee at 11:48 AM on March 14, 2015
The thing about grief, I have learned, is that literally nobody can say or do the right thing.
Your anger and your heightened sensitivity now are understandable. I'm very sorry for your loss. It's so isolating, isn't it? You're here feeling maybe the worst you've ever felt, and life goes on around you.
Unfortunately, your friends won't be able to say any magic words that will make you feel better or even understood. Doctor's offices will still fuck up and not admit it. Bosses will still primarily care about work getting done. It sucks. The world can be such a bullshit place, especially when you are in mourning. But this terrible pain is yours to bear right now, so I think you should do whatever you can to make yourself feel okay, including letting the bullshit of the world go, if possible.
Hanging on to anger and injustices will make you feel worse. Or at least, they did me. I figured at least some of it was my anger about the injustice of my loss. Easier to hate on the company that screwed up my bill or the rude stranger on the subway or the coworker who carelessly said that my friend was in a better place now, than try to grapple with the injustice of the death of a good person. That was me, though-- I don't want to presume that's the case for you. Just my experience, in case it's a helpful perspective.
posted by kapers at 12:29 PM on March 14, 2015
Your anger and your heightened sensitivity now are understandable. I'm very sorry for your loss. It's so isolating, isn't it? You're here feeling maybe the worst you've ever felt, and life goes on around you.
Unfortunately, your friends won't be able to say any magic words that will make you feel better or even understood. Doctor's offices will still fuck up and not admit it. Bosses will still primarily care about work getting done. It sucks. The world can be such a bullshit place, especially when you are in mourning. But this terrible pain is yours to bear right now, so I think you should do whatever you can to make yourself feel okay, including letting the bullshit of the world go, if possible.
Hanging on to anger and injustices will make you feel worse. Or at least, they did me. I figured at least some of it was my anger about the injustice of my loss. Easier to hate on the company that screwed up my bill or the rude stranger on the subway or the coworker who carelessly said that my friend was in a better place now, than try to grapple with the injustice of the death of a good person. That was me, though-- I don't want to presume that's the case for you. Just my experience, in case it's a helpful perspective.
posted by kapers at 12:29 PM on March 14, 2015
Hi there,
I'm very sorry for your loss. It may be the case that your friends have not yet experienced the death of someone close to them and they simply don't understand how terrible you feel. Sometimes, people are especially insensitive when the individual who died was older; some people seem to think that grief is less apt in these cases (which is obviously stupid).
I think it is OK to avoid the insensitive people for a little while, if that makes you feel better. The fact is that most people aren't intentionally being cruel. They are, like people everywhere, self-involved and somewhat clueless about the pain of others. Perhaps you can strive to be better when you encounter a grieving person in the future.
posted by girl flaneur at 5:11 PM on March 14, 2015
I'm very sorry for your loss. It may be the case that your friends have not yet experienced the death of someone close to them and they simply don't understand how terrible you feel. Sometimes, people are especially insensitive when the individual who died was older; some people seem to think that grief is less apt in these cases (which is obviously stupid).
I think it is OK to avoid the insensitive people for a little while, if that makes you feel better. The fact is that most people aren't intentionally being cruel. They are, like people everywhere, self-involved and somewhat clueless about the pain of others. Perhaps you can strive to be better when you encounter a grieving person in the future.
posted by girl flaneur at 5:11 PM on March 14, 2015
A grandparent dying is considered by many as a no big deal even that everyone has to go through. There is even a tv comedy I saw once where a guy was making excuses as to why he couldn't do something due to his grandparent dying and the response someone gave him was to stop being a pussy because "that's what grandparents are supposed to do- They die. You're an adult. Only kids get upset when their grandparents die". I don't agree with this attitude, but I'm just putting it out there that many do have this attitude in regards to a grandparent dying. If it were your spouse or child you would likely be getting a different response. Just expect a little less from others. This way you're not setting yourself up for dissapointment. Try to give yourself the space you need from whoever you feel is being unsupportive.
(I lost my grandmother 2 months ago so I feel your pain. My condolences).
posted by rancher at 7:30 PM on March 14, 2015
(I lost my grandmother 2 months ago so I feel your pain. My condolences).
posted by rancher at 7:30 PM on March 14, 2015
You've heard off the stages of grief? When my parents died my boyfriend said I went straight to anger and stayed there. I took all kinds of things personally. I still kind-of, a little bit, hold grudges against people who didn't call or come to the funerals. It's all perfectly normal.
Your friends care about you, they just can't help. You might try telling them something like "I need to vent some totally irrational feelings now. Either agree with me or shut up and nod."
posted by irisclara at 10:55 PM on March 14, 2015
Your friends care about you, they just can't help. You might try telling them something like "I need to vent some totally irrational feelings now. Either agree with me or shut up and nod."
posted by irisclara at 10:55 PM on March 14, 2015
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posted by jon1270 at 6:44 AM on March 14, 2015