Missed text = 6 weeks of silent treatment? Really? How do I solve this.
March 2, 2015 3:40 PM Subscribe
My birthday was a couple of days ago, and I didn't receive a card or a gift from my sister, which I thought was strange as we've always sent each other something on our birthdays. I did talk to my mom, who told me that my sister didn't send me anything because she was mad that I didn't reply to a text she had sent at Christmas. I live on the opposite side of the country, and she sent me a picture of the family Christmas dinner. I had just spoken to her that same day so I didn't think a reply was expected. I actually didn't think about it much at all. We've never kept in touch very often (~monthly) so I didn't pick up on anything, but apparently she's been fuming mad at me for weeks! How do I resolve this?
We've never been super close, and I moved away 10 years ago. We typically spoke on the phone about once a month. So when she didn't return my few calls and texts over the past few weeks, I just assumed she was busy and didn't think anything of it. Its definitely harder to administer silent treatment to someone who lives far away...
Growing up, family interactions were full of drama, and my mom and sister still act this way. Lots of silent treatment, passive aggressive comments, tit-for-tat. Not sending someone something on their birthday is a BIG DEAL in our family. Once in university, I forgot to call my mom on her birthday, and my sister publicly shamed me on facebook, and for Christmas that year (11 months later...) my mom gave me a calendar with her birthday marked on it. They will be bringing this up for the rest of my life.
I generally keep things civil by just ignoring all this, but I feel like the ball is in my court to resolve this, otherwise the silent treatment will just continue. It will not blow over, she will hold this grudge forever. I've called her twice but just got voicemail so far. I really just want to tell her this is immature and silly and she should let it go and stop with the drama. Not sending a reply text is not a big thing! She's blown this completely out of proportion! She's 25, she should know better by now! But obviously I can't say any of that. So how do I get out of this? And how can I avoid this happening again?
We've never been super close, and I moved away 10 years ago. We typically spoke on the phone about once a month. So when she didn't return my few calls and texts over the past few weeks, I just assumed she was busy and didn't think anything of it. Its definitely harder to administer silent treatment to someone who lives far away...
Growing up, family interactions were full of drama, and my mom and sister still act this way. Lots of silent treatment, passive aggressive comments, tit-for-tat. Not sending someone something on their birthday is a BIG DEAL in our family. Once in university, I forgot to call my mom on her birthday, and my sister publicly shamed me on facebook, and for Christmas that year (11 months later...) my mom gave me a calendar with her birthday marked on it. They will be bringing this up for the rest of my life.
I generally keep things civil by just ignoring all this, but I feel like the ball is in my court to resolve this, otherwise the silent treatment will just continue. It will not blow over, she will hold this grudge forever. I've called her twice but just got voicemail so far. I really just want to tell her this is immature and silly and she should let it go and stop with the drama. Not sending a reply text is not a big thing! She's blown this completely out of proportion! She's 25, she should know better by now! But obviously I can't say any of that. So how do I get out of this? And how can I avoid this happening again?
Best answer: You can't make dysfunctional people healthy, you can only model healthy behavior to them and hope they get a clue. Call her. If she doesn't answer, leave a message saying, "Hey, Mom just told me you're mad at me. I'm sorry I didn't answer your text at Christmas - I mistakenly thought a reply wasn't expected because we'd just talked on the phone. Please call me so we can get this cleared up - I don't want you to be mad at me!" Don't use a snarky tone of voice.
Then it's up to her. She'll call or she won't. If she contacts you and tries to punish you some way, either ignore it (if it's by mail, for example) or say, "Hey - sorry, not going to do this any more. I'm going to leave/hang up now. Please call me when you can talk with me without the drama." Then leave/hang up.
Then continue to send cards, etc. as you would if everything was fine. When you see her, act as if it never happened and treat her well. If she tries to punish you, rinse and repeat the leave/hang up above. Hopefully she'll get over it. If she doesn't, it's not something within your control. Focus on controlling you.
posted by summerstorm at 3:54 PM on March 2, 2015 [67 favorites]
Then it's up to her. She'll call or she won't. If she contacts you and tries to punish you some way, either ignore it (if it's by mail, for example) or say, "Hey - sorry, not going to do this any more. I'm going to leave/hang up now. Please call me when you can talk with me without the drama." Then leave/hang up.
Then continue to send cards, etc. as you would if everything was fine. When you see her, act as if it never happened and treat her well. If she tries to punish you, rinse and repeat the leave/hang up above. Hopefully she'll get over it. If she doesn't, it's not something within your control. Focus on controlling you.
posted by summerstorm at 3:54 PM on March 2, 2015 [67 favorites]
Wow, your sister is being an enormous diaper baby. I'm sorry.
Send her a text message replying to the one she sent at xmas being all, "hey, that pic is so cute! Love ya, sis! ❤" like no time had passed and nothing ever happened.
Ignore the birthday snub. Don't indulge her tantrum.
posted by phunniemee at 3:56 PM on March 2, 2015 [13 favorites]
Send her a text message replying to the one she sent at xmas being all, "hey, that pic is so cute! Love ya, sis! ❤" like no time had passed and nothing ever happened.
Ignore the birthday snub. Don't indulge her tantrum.
posted by phunniemee at 3:56 PM on March 2, 2015 [13 favorites]
She's being childish. Don't indulge it in any way.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:58 PM on March 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:58 PM on March 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
It sounds like you don't have much of a relationship with her, and you know from her history and your childhood that she's not likely to change. If she does, great, but then she'd be reaching out to you.
If the ball is in your court to resolve this, that's because your sister isn't invested or interested in maintaining a relationship with you unless you indulge her game playing.
Personally, I'd choose to value my dignity higher than a fairly distant sibling relationship with someone who requires me to be a victim so she can indulge her pettiness, and just stop bothering with her, at least until she grows up.
posted by The Master and Margarita Mix at 3:59 PM on March 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
If the ball is in your court to resolve this, that's because your sister isn't invested or interested in maintaining a relationship with you unless you indulge her game playing.
Personally, I'd choose to value my dignity higher than a fairly distant sibling relationship with someone who requires me to be a victim so she can indulge her pettiness, and just stop bothering with her, at least until she grows up.
posted by The Master and Margarita Mix at 3:59 PM on March 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
Your sister is being unreasonable and while I think it's admirable of you to want to try and smooth things over, you shouldn't do it in a way that somehow sends a message that your sister is behaving like an adult here.
It's okay for her to be upset about you not replying to her text (her feelings are her feelings), but it's not okay for her to deal with her hurt feelings by not directly and maturely expressing them to you and instead choosing to exact revenge and expecting you to be a mind reader. So you can acknowledge her hurt feelings and give her an opportunity to clear the air, without approving her behavior.
I would call one more time (or email) and leave a message that says something like the following:
Sis, apparently you are upset with me and have decided to show your displeasure by not acknowledging my birthday. I don't want there to be discord or hurt feelings between us and would like to talk with you about the issue so we can clear the air and move on. I'm free to talk on X date or Y date. Which would work for you?
Then the ball is in her court to be mature and talk through whatever is upsetting her.
posted by brookeb at 3:59 PM on March 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's okay for her to be upset about you not replying to her text (her feelings are her feelings), but it's not okay for her to deal with her hurt feelings by not directly and maturely expressing them to you and instead choosing to exact revenge and expecting you to be a mind reader. So you can acknowledge her hurt feelings and give her an opportunity to clear the air, without approving her behavior.
I would call one more time (or email) and leave a message that says something like the following:
Sis, apparently you are upset with me and have decided to show your displeasure by not acknowledging my birthday. I don't want there to be discord or hurt feelings between us and would like to talk with you about the issue so we can clear the air and move on. I'm free to talk on X date or Y date. Which would work for you?
Then the ball is in her court to be mature and talk through whatever is upsetting her.
posted by brookeb at 3:59 PM on March 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
my mom gave me a calendar with her birthday marked on it.Holy crap. I am so angry about this for you. The chutzpah!
You need to define the new normal with your mother and sister. Do not sink to their level, do not dignify their childish behavior with a reaction. Continue to engage them on your own terms, and let your mantra be
I will not dignify that with a response. Please engage with me on the level of an adult.
posted by books for weapons at 4:04 PM on March 2, 2015 [22 favorites]
Are you sure your mom should be believed on this topic? Maybe your sister isn't mad at all, or she was mad for a short time and is long over it, and your mom is fanning the flames.
Just call or text the next time you'd normally would, and don't reference the "silent treatment."
posted by BrashTech at 4:05 PM on March 2, 2015 [8 favorites]
Just call or text the next time you'd normally would, and don't reference the "silent treatment."
posted by BrashTech at 4:05 PM on March 2, 2015 [8 favorites]
Remember that NYT article a few years back, about a woman using dolphin training techniques on her husband? The key takeaway (for me, anyhow) was to simply not respond to behavior that you don't want. Even expressing disapproval is still giving the subject attention. Simply proceed as though none of this actually happened. Reward the behavior that you DO want. Sadly, I've tried this on people and it does work.
posted by orrnyereg at 4:13 PM on March 2, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by orrnyereg at 4:13 PM on March 2, 2015 [9 favorites]
Hurt feelings are much more likely in these electronic days. I'd privately roll my eyes but send her a text saying you miss hearing from her but heard she felt hurt not to get a response text to her Xmas dinner picture, and that you're very sorry to have hurt her feelings if that is what happened as you love her and meant no snub.
And I'd just ignore the fact she missed your Bday. At least you can be grown up.
This used to happen periodically with my sister btw. I send her incredibly gushy cards and messages these days, not normally my style, because that is what she needs to know I really, really do love her and her family.
posted by bearwife at 4:19 PM on March 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
And I'd just ignore the fact she missed your Bday. At least you can be grown up.
This used to happen periodically with my sister btw. I send her incredibly gushy cards and messages these days, not normally my style, because that is what she needs to know I really, really do love her and her family.
posted by bearwife at 4:19 PM on March 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
That is some world-class passive aggression. Do as you would normally do and ignore the silent-treatment. At some point she'll get over it, and resume normal relations; it'll make it clear to her that it's not changing you.
If she raises it directly, you can plead your case to the degree you feel is appropriate, and offer a token apology. I wouldn't offer this token apology to anyone but family or my boss, quite honestly, but some relations must be maintained despite the lack of merit. This is a small sword to fall on.
A normal text that finishes with something like "I miss hearing from you" might start the ball rolling; but since you don't know what that'll turn into, avoid doing it before any unavoidable period of radio silence from yourself, i.e. a long drive, a vacation, anything else that'll keep you off your phone. (Darnit, bearwife, you beat me to it)
posted by Sunburnt at 4:20 PM on March 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
If she raises it directly, you can plead your case to the degree you feel is appropriate, and offer a token apology. I wouldn't offer this token apology to anyone but family or my boss, quite honestly, but some relations must be maintained despite the lack of merit. This is a small sword to fall on.
A normal text that finishes with something like "I miss hearing from you" might start the ball rolling; but since you don't know what that'll turn into, avoid doing it before any unavoidable period of radio silence from yourself, i.e. a long drive, a vacation, anything else that'll keep you off your phone. (Darnit, bearwife, you beat me to it)
posted by Sunburnt at 4:20 PM on March 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
This is a really unhealthy set of patterns on your mother's and sister's parts. Ignore. Tantrums and ridiculous behavior gets ignored.
Go on as usual. Call and write as though all is well. If she wants to continue to be rude and ridiculous, that's her choice. Don't grovel or indulge this.
Also, happy birthday!
posted by quince at 4:29 PM on March 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
Go on as usual. Call and write as though all is well. If she wants to continue to be rude and ridiculous, that's her choice. Don't grovel or indulge this.
Also, happy birthday!
posted by quince at 4:29 PM on March 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
It will not blow over, she will hold this grudge forever.... She's blown this completely out of proportion! She's 25, she should know better by now!
You are also describing my brother, and he's 50.
For most of my adult life, I put a lot, a lot, a lot of effort into being the one to make sure that he and I have regular contact. It finally just exhausted me, and I let it go. It's a sad thing, and it's not really ideal, but I am much more at peace now that I recognize that it's his issue, not mine, and that it's not mine to solve. (Nor can I.)
So how do I get out of this? And how can I avoid this happening again?
It is not yours to get out of. And it is not yours to avoid. She's going to have to figure out how invested she is, and she's going to have to figure out that at a certain point in your life, pouting no longer gets results.
If it were me 10 years ago, I'd send a note saying "Hey, I think the silent treatment is a bit silly. When you want to talk this out, I'm here." and leave it at that.
Don't think that this is your responsibility, because that way lies madness.
posted by mudpuppie at 4:59 PM on March 2, 2015 [5 favorites]
You are also describing my brother, and he's 50.
For most of my adult life, I put a lot, a lot, a lot of effort into being the one to make sure that he and I have regular contact. It finally just exhausted me, and I let it go. It's a sad thing, and it's not really ideal, but I am much more at peace now that I recognize that it's his issue, not mine, and that it's not mine to solve. (Nor can I.)
So how do I get out of this? And how can I avoid this happening again?
It is not yours to get out of. And it is not yours to avoid. She's going to have to figure out how invested she is, and she's going to have to figure out that at a certain point in your life, pouting no longer gets results.
If it were me 10 years ago, I'd send a note saying "Hey, I think the silent treatment is a bit silly. When you want to talk this out, I'm here." and leave it at that.
Don't think that this is your responsibility, because that way lies madness.
posted by mudpuppie at 4:59 PM on March 2, 2015 [5 favorites]
The Three Stages of Being Mad at Someone You Love:
1 -- Mad at them because of something they did.
2 -- Mad at them because of how they reacted to your being mad.
3 -- Mad at them because you are mad.
Your sister is deeply into Stage 3. But then, it appears that she has been there for years before The Christmas Text Incident. The worst part of Stage 3 is that there is absolutely nothing the mad-ee can do to get out of it. It doesn't matter if you apologize or take the moral high ground or anything. Your sister will be in Stage 3 for exactly as long as she wants to be, no more and no less.
So, t'hell with her. Tell her you're sorry, that you'll try to be more sensitive in the future (give her the victory), and then drop it. When she or your mom or anyone else brings it up again, just gaze into the middle distance and smile until they stop talking, then return to the previous topic of conversation.
posted by Etrigan at 5:07 PM on March 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
1 -- Mad at them because of something they did.
2 -- Mad at them because of how they reacted to your being mad.
3 -- Mad at them because you are mad.
Your sister is deeply into Stage 3. But then, it appears that she has been there for years before The Christmas Text Incident. The worst part of Stage 3 is that there is absolutely nothing the mad-ee can do to get out of it. It doesn't matter if you apologize or take the moral high ground or anything. Your sister will be in Stage 3 for exactly as long as she wants to be, no more and no less.
So, t'hell with her. Tell her you're sorry, that you'll try to be more sensitive in the future (give her the victory), and then drop it. When she or your mom or anyone else brings it up again, just gaze into the middle distance and smile until they stop talking, then return to the previous topic of conversation.
posted by Etrigan at 5:07 PM on March 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Triangulation with a sister and mother is a common sibling mess. I've been a player in your position where mother and sibling play you off for their own unfathomably strange archaic reasons.
Firstly, your sister ignored your birthday. For a very dumb reason. Which is probably not the reason at all, just a free pass she's given herself to be mad over something she's mad about (as Etrigan says above). YOU get to feel hurt. What does that feel like for YOU?
Secondly, your mother is participating in your 'punishment' by not standing up for or with you. You probably could do with hearing: 'I told your sister she was being childish not to honour your birthday, and to get over herself' and not: 'oh noes, your sister is so upset because you didn't reply to her Xmas text!' Why is your mother acting like this and not being caring of you?
How does that feel for YOU?
Thirdly, why is it that you get to be the butt of these cosy insider jokes about neglect, care levels etc? Sounds like they enjoy their pick-on-the-third-rung-of-the-triangle dance. I bet there are numerous examples of this kind of stuff throughout your life.
I had this frustrating dance going with my sister and mother. Without being too aware of the triangulation at the time, I nevertheless took the rung out of the triangle by boycotting it. Strangely, the relationship between the other two faltered without me to hold up my end of the bargain.
I wouldn't make any apologies or whatever about the non-reply to the Xmas text. If she's mad, she can use her bloody words, like an adult.
If anything I'd leave a cool and minimal message like: 'my birthday has come and gone without your acknowledgment. I am hurt by this.' Nothing more.
These are the two true things. Everything else is triangle iterations of 'blah, blah, she said, blah blah, you did X...' Or, it's your familiar dance of 'I must run around to figure out what the hell I've done, how to fix it!'
Nope, not this time. Just state how you feel, and you know, just feel what it's like for YOU right now.
posted by honey-barbara at 7:19 PM on March 2, 2015 [18 favorites]
Firstly, your sister ignored your birthday. For a very dumb reason. Which is probably not the reason at all, just a free pass she's given herself to be mad over something she's mad about (as Etrigan says above). YOU get to feel hurt. What does that feel like for YOU?
Secondly, your mother is participating in your 'punishment' by not standing up for or with you. You probably could do with hearing: 'I told your sister she was being childish not to honour your birthday, and to get over herself' and not: 'oh noes, your sister is so upset because you didn't reply to her Xmas text!' Why is your mother acting like this and not being caring of you?
How does that feel for YOU?
Thirdly, why is it that you get to be the butt of these cosy insider jokes about neglect, care levels etc? Sounds like they enjoy their pick-on-the-third-rung-of-the-triangle dance. I bet there are numerous examples of this kind of stuff throughout your life.
I had this frustrating dance going with my sister and mother. Without being too aware of the triangulation at the time, I nevertheless took the rung out of the triangle by boycotting it. Strangely, the relationship between the other two faltered without me to hold up my end of the bargain.
I wouldn't make any apologies or whatever about the non-reply to the Xmas text. If she's mad, she can use her bloody words, like an adult.
If anything I'd leave a cool and minimal message like: 'my birthday has come and gone without your acknowledgment. I am hurt by this.' Nothing more.
These are the two true things. Everything else is triangle iterations of 'blah, blah, she said, blah blah, you did X...' Or, it's your familiar dance of 'I must run around to figure out what the hell I've done, how to fix it!'
Nope, not this time. Just state how you feel, and you know, just feel what it's like for YOU right now.
posted by honey-barbara at 7:19 PM on March 2, 2015 [18 favorites]
Mod note: A few comments deleted; this isn't the place to debate/discuss whether texting is a reasonable or normal form of communication, which isn't the problem the OP is trying to solve.
posted by taz (staff) at 11:58 PM on March 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by taz (staff) at 11:58 PM on March 2, 2015 [1 favorite]
Hi, are you me? I go through this about every three months with my sisters and mother. It's the worst.
When you have a dysfunctional family system like this, and you choose to disrupt it (by enforcing healthy boundaries/having reasonable expectations for interactions/refusing to engage when people are being unfair/calling the unhealthy behavior what it is), people feel threatened and hurt. They will do anything they can to preserve the unhealthy dynamic, because change is scary.
Things that have helped as I've tried to enforce healthy boundaries with my family:
Disengaging as soon as the interaction gets inappropriate - "Sorry, we're not going to talk about this. I'll talk to you later. Love you."
Following through on the things I say I will do. If I tell them I will call them later, I do. I do not tell them I will call them later if I do not intend to - this will be used as ammunition for them.
Reinforcing positive behavior - visiting/calling more when people are being more reasonable.
Following through on consequences. If my mother starts to talk about something that we've agreed is inappropriate, I say, "We talked about this. I love you. Bye."
Trying not to take it personally/feel too heartbroken when they are upset at me. This is the hardest part, and therapy has helped a lot.
I'm rooting for you. This is so frustrating, and I'm sorry you're going through this.
posted by superlibby at 10:10 AM on March 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
When you have a dysfunctional family system like this, and you choose to disrupt it (by enforcing healthy boundaries/having reasonable expectations for interactions/refusing to engage when people are being unfair/calling the unhealthy behavior what it is), people feel threatened and hurt. They will do anything they can to preserve the unhealthy dynamic, because change is scary.
Things that have helped as I've tried to enforce healthy boundaries with my family:
Disengaging as soon as the interaction gets inappropriate - "Sorry, we're not going to talk about this. I'll talk to you later. Love you."
Following through on the things I say I will do. If I tell them I will call them later, I do. I do not tell them I will call them later if I do not intend to - this will be used as ammunition for them.
Reinforcing positive behavior - visiting/calling more when people are being more reasonable.
Following through on consequences. If my mother starts to talk about something that we've agreed is inappropriate, I say, "We talked about this. I love you. Bye."
Trying not to take it personally/feel too heartbroken when they are upset at me. This is the hardest part, and therapy has helped a lot.
I'm rooting for you. This is so frustrating, and I'm sorry you're going through this.
posted by superlibby at 10:10 AM on March 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
You can't keep this from happening. You can only plan for how you will handle yourself when it does.
If you think it's not in proportion (and I agree) then just ignore it - don't confirm the lack of proportion to her.
posted by Dashy at 3:50 PM on March 2, 2015 [24 favorites]