Everything reminds me of my shortcomings.
January 31, 2015 12:18 PM Subscribe
I've posted plenty about struggles with bipolar/anxiety/ptsd. This post definitely relates to those issues, but I am NOT seeking treatment advice here, as I've got that covered. Really, I just want help coping with some current symptoms (reframing things or new ways to just do things anyway) and hopefully figuring out how to at least do some of the things I ostensibly enjoy. More below the cut.
I'm a writer, a visual artist, an arts journalist (mainly music), a photographer. I love to read, to watch indie / foreign films and documentaries when my attention span permits, to connect with others online or in-person.
All those things have suffered now, mostly because of low self-confidence and depression.
Here's an example of how that manifests: I'll see that a new book has come out. I'll wonder why I don't have a book out. If I'll ever have a book out. Why I haven't read this writer's other books. Why I don't know more about this subject. Why I haven't met this writer. If I have met this writer, why we aren't closer friends. If I should write a review of this book. How I should but I'd commit to it and then not be able to finish the book. It's exhausting, to say the least.
In my own work, I am very indecisive and have no confidence, even if I'm just trying to write something fluffy and easy to prime to pump. I have tried just doing something (drawing, writing, etc.) without thinking, but I get stuck early on. I will still occasionally have some perceived successes, but that satisfaction is fleeting.
It works to my disadvantage, I know, that my "work" activities and my "play" activities are pretty much the same. I am not sure this is the time to pick up something new, and I don't know what that would be. (I am also limited financially because I am on SSDI and currently limited in mobility because of some bursitis.)
Again, I am aware that this is part of being depressed and I am in treatment for depression. What I am seeking would be any reframing ideas or behaviors that would help me at least bring some of these things back into my life without getting bogged down in the negativity.
I'm a writer, a visual artist, an arts journalist (mainly music), a photographer. I love to read, to watch indie / foreign films and documentaries when my attention span permits, to connect with others online or in-person.
All those things have suffered now, mostly because of low self-confidence and depression.
Here's an example of how that manifests: I'll see that a new book has come out. I'll wonder why I don't have a book out. If I'll ever have a book out. Why I haven't read this writer's other books. Why I don't know more about this subject. Why I haven't met this writer. If I have met this writer, why we aren't closer friends. If I should write a review of this book. How I should but I'd commit to it and then not be able to finish the book. It's exhausting, to say the least.
In my own work, I am very indecisive and have no confidence, even if I'm just trying to write something fluffy and easy to prime to pump. I have tried just doing something (drawing, writing, etc.) without thinking, but I get stuck early on. I will still occasionally have some perceived successes, but that satisfaction is fleeting.
It works to my disadvantage, I know, that my "work" activities and my "play" activities are pretty much the same. I am not sure this is the time to pick up something new, and I don't know what that would be. (I am also limited financially because I am on SSDI and currently limited in mobility because of some bursitis.)
Again, I am aware that this is part of being depressed and I am in treatment for depression. What I am seeking would be any reframing ideas or behaviors that would help me at least bring some of these things back into my life without getting bogged down in the negativity.
To piggyback on Lyn Never's comment, Headspace (a meditation site) has great little animations on how our 'monkey' mind works and how mindfulness meditation helps us be able to sit on the park bench and watch the traffic (our thoughts) go by without running and playing in the traffic (getting all involved with our thoughts).
Highly recommend their free program (10 minutes a day, 10 days) as a way to get started.
As someone who's suffered greatly from both anxiety and depression, I can't recommend some sort of meditation enough.
You can do EET!
posted by John Kennedy Toole Box at 12:41 PM on January 31, 2015 [4 favorites]
Highly recommend their free program (10 minutes a day, 10 days) as a way to get started.
As someone who's suffered greatly from both anxiety and depression, I can't recommend some sort of meditation enough.
You can do EET!
posted by John Kennedy Toole Box at 12:41 PM on January 31, 2015 [4 favorites]
Practice non-self. You can do that, as per above, by not identifying with your thoughts; and you can also do that by not distinguishing yourself from other people and stuff.
All those new books, and the people writing them? They are all part of mermaidcafé, because mermaidcafé contains multitudes. You are literature! You are the visual arts! You are arts journalism!
Which is actually true. My pinky is smaller than my other fingers, and it feels the cold before they do, so it might feel depressed and inadequate, except it doesn't, because it's also a HAND, and a PERSON. You are an arts community.
Feel proud of all these new books and reviews and writers and writers' friends. Well done, Arts Community!
posted by feral_goldfish at 4:47 PM on January 31, 2015 [4 favorites]
All those new books, and the people writing them? They are all part of mermaidcafé, because mermaidcafé contains multitudes. You are literature! You are the visual arts! You are arts journalism!
Which is actually true. My pinky is smaller than my other fingers, and it feels the cold before they do, so it might feel depressed and inadequate, except it doesn't, because it's also a HAND, and a PERSON. You are an arts community.
Feel proud of all these new books and reviews and writers and writers' friends. Well done, Arts Community!
posted by feral_goldfish at 4:47 PM on January 31, 2015 [4 favorites]
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I was once taught a visualization exercise for dealing with thoughts like this. Imagine each of these sentences is a section in a train, and you are watching it go by at speed. It's not stopping because it's not your train, it's just passing through. Acknowledge that yep, there went the 10:47 Insecurity Train, and now it's gone. Time to get back to work!
I don't find it helpful for myself to spend much time on the "that's silly/everyone feels that way/not even your fears are special" self-talk, but if I just acknowledge the unproductive thing and then let it go rather than fueling it off my own small reserves of energy, it's much easier for me to not get sidetracked by it.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:29 PM on January 31, 2015 [47 favorites]