Made a mistake last night - how to improve the situation
December 13, 2014 7:29 PM Subscribe
I'm crushing hardcore on a co-worker. I've put him on a pedestal (he is genuinely a very nice, very great guy). I work in a tightly knit sales environment and have made a few close friends here. I struggle hard with depression, insecurities, loneliness, drug addiction, all kinds of issues. I've been obsessively thinking about this guy, fantasizing and re-playing any situations over and over again in my head. It's been bad.
Yesterday, I went out with a bunch of people from work to the club, proceeded to get very wasted, and made a few terrible decisions. Can you help me mitigate them or offer me guidance?
I've just started the process of seeing a psychotherapist for these issues I have, so please know that I am definitely following that self-help route.
The guy has been really quite nice about the whole thing, seems to want to cultivate a good working relationship. He has helped me out plenty at work and been a pretty good support. He's been here almost 4 years and has an excellent reputation at work. I've struggled with my reputation. There's a very strict, enforced no-dating policy at work.
Yesterday, I went out with people from work. I chose to go out because I know he'd be there and I wanted to be sexy around him. We went to his place before the club and I was already drunk, talking to his friends and generally having a good time. I continued to drink though, and noticed he was dancing with everyone from work but actively avoiding me. Normally, I avoid eye contact with him or even conversation with him at work, because I'm so awkward and I like him so much. I barely talk to him and I am respectful of his space, probably even almost to the point that it's obvious. But I can't keep my mouth shut - I've told a few people from work that I find him attractive and look up to him (and everyone confirms they all had crushes on him too, that it's no big deal, but warned me not to act on it).
I failed yesterday. At the party, I sidled up to him several times trying to get a dance. I'm pretty sure it was actually more like I ran my hands on the sides of his body while dancing on him. I also told a few of his friends, some of whom were trying to get to know me, that I'm really attracted to him.
I've been yelled at, scolded and shouted at by everybody (including my mom and my coworker friends) about how stupid, how immature, how fucking ridiculous my behavior is. I know it was awful and I know I made him uncomfortable, probably. I know this will come back to bite me.
I just need some damage control work for the next few weeks. We're all a bunch of very young people, mostly attractive, working a highly stressful sales job. I have made my first real friends in this company who have warned me against behavior like this because they themselves have been through it. A few people have hooked up and it's been awful. I just feel so bad for putting that guy in this awful position of having to reject me. He doesn't want to hurt me, I can tell, and I bet you he will completely cut off all communication with me because he doesn't want to have that conversation. That's fine - I miss out on a good friend because I am an idiot.
I'm 22 and flawed and have lots of extreme mental health issues. I will seek help. What do you think I should do with this particular situation? 1) Stop fueling the crush, move on from this immediately, as there is no chance with this individual whatsoever 2) Focus on myself and the job and improving my job performance, which is going very well in terms of production and even office perception is at an all time high (other than this) 3) Apologize...? Email him? Ignore him?
I just feel like I need some advice to control the damage caused by one too many drinks, extremely insecurity and desperation. Rubbing myself on a guy to get him to like me is not something I have ever done in the past. I do have a tendency to overshare how I feel about people extremely frequently, though.
I'm having a huge panic attack in my apartment, and am starting to fall into depression and anxiety over last nights decisions. Some perspective, immediate, actionable advice and anecdotes of work crushes could help. Thanks.
I've just started the process of seeing a psychotherapist for these issues I have, so please know that I am definitely following that self-help route.
The guy has been really quite nice about the whole thing, seems to want to cultivate a good working relationship. He has helped me out plenty at work and been a pretty good support. He's been here almost 4 years and has an excellent reputation at work. I've struggled with my reputation. There's a very strict, enforced no-dating policy at work.
Yesterday, I went out with people from work. I chose to go out because I know he'd be there and I wanted to be sexy around him. We went to his place before the club and I was already drunk, talking to his friends and generally having a good time. I continued to drink though, and noticed he was dancing with everyone from work but actively avoiding me. Normally, I avoid eye contact with him or even conversation with him at work, because I'm so awkward and I like him so much. I barely talk to him and I am respectful of his space, probably even almost to the point that it's obvious. But I can't keep my mouth shut - I've told a few people from work that I find him attractive and look up to him (and everyone confirms they all had crushes on him too, that it's no big deal, but warned me not to act on it).
I failed yesterday. At the party, I sidled up to him several times trying to get a dance. I'm pretty sure it was actually more like I ran my hands on the sides of his body while dancing on him. I also told a few of his friends, some of whom were trying to get to know me, that I'm really attracted to him.
I've been yelled at, scolded and shouted at by everybody (including my mom and my coworker friends) about how stupid, how immature, how fucking ridiculous my behavior is. I know it was awful and I know I made him uncomfortable, probably. I know this will come back to bite me.
I just need some damage control work for the next few weeks. We're all a bunch of very young people, mostly attractive, working a highly stressful sales job. I have made my first real friends in this company who have warned me against behavior like this because they themselves have been through it. A few people have hooked up and it's been awful. I just feel so bad for putting that guy in this awful position of having to reject me. He doesn't want to hurt me, I can tell, and I bet you he will completely cut off all communication with me because he doesn't want to have that conversation. That's fine - I miss out on a good friend because I am an idiot.
I'm 22 and flawed and have lots of extreme mental health issues. I will seek help. What do you think I should do with this particular situation? 1) Stop fueling the crush, move on from this immediately, as there is no chance with this individual whatsoever 2) Focus on myself and the job and improving my job performance, which is going very well in terms of production and even office perception is at an all time high (other than this) 3) Apologize...? Email him? Ignore him?
I just feel like I need some advice to control the damage caused by one too many drinks, extremely insecurity and desperation. Rubbing myself on a guy to get him to like me is not something I have ever done in the past. I do have a tendency to overshare how I feel about people extremely frequently, though.
I'm having a huge panic attack in my apartment, and am starting to fall into depression and anxiety over last nights decisions. Some perspective, immediate, actionable advice and anecdotes of work crushes could help. Thanks.
1) and 2) and 4) don't put yourself in this situation again -- no more drunken socializing with coworkers. Apologizing might be satisfying but might also extend the drama; it doesn't really accomplish anything. Go forth and sin no more.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 7:48 PM on December 13, 2014 [12 favorites]
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 7:48 PM on December 13, 2014 [12 favorites]
Many people are flattered that you have had a crush on them. However, you must not pursue a person that is not interested. Never mention the deed, act like nothing ever happened. Unless the person actually wants to talk to you about it, then you may apologize, but very briefly. Otherwise, drop it.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 7:49 PM on December 13, 2014 [8 favorites]
posted by a humble nudibranch at 7:49 PM on December 13, 2014 [8 favorites]
Best answer: You should stop being so hard on yourself. From the headline and the description I thought you were going to have gotten wasted and slept with a married man and then accidentally set him on fire or something. You got drunk and tried to dance with a guy at a club. It's okay. Really, truly, I promise it is.
From what you've written here, it sounds like your workplace, for all its strictly enforced no-dating rules, is kind of a hotbed of drama. You and your co-workers need to stop taking everything so seriously. Stop yelling at each other about everything. Stop talking so intensely about your romantic lives. Oh, and stop telling your mom about what you did when you were drunk.
The answer, unequivocally, is 2. Focus on yourself and your job performance. Don't apologize. Be kinder to yourself. Move on.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 7:52 PM on December 13, 2014 [91 favorites]
From what you've written here, it sounds like your workplace, for all its strictly enforced no-dating rules, is kind of a hotbed of drama. You and your co-workers need to stop taking everything so seriously. Stop yelling at each other about everything. Stop talking so intensely about your romantic lives. Oh, and stop telling your mom about what you did when you were drunk.
The answer, unequivocally, is 2. Focus on yourself and your job performance. Don't apologize. Be kinder to yourself. Move on.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 7:52 PM on December 13, 2014 [91 favorites]
Definitely do 1) and 2). As for apologizing and other actions...it's going to be hard to gauge what you should do until you're back at work on Monday and can see for yourself how he (and everyone else) is reacting. Sometimes when I've thought I Really Fucked Up, it's turned out to be quite a little thing in other people's eyes. So my advice is to definitely give up the crush and never act in any flirty or overly-friendly way with this guy again, and double down on your work performance. The more interpersonal/social stuff will depend on how Monday goes. If it's horribly tense, apologizing may be worthwhile. If it's only a little tense, or if everyone else is pretending like it never happened, ignoring will likely be a better idea. Just wait and see.
And in the meantime, reassure yourself that the best of us make fools of ourselves at times. Learn from your mistakes here and do better next time - don't let this get you down too much.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 7:54 PM on December 13, 2014 [7 favorites]
And in the meantime, reassure yourself that the best of us make fools of ourselves at times. Learn from your mistakes here and do better next time - don't let this get you down too much.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 7:54 PM on December 13, 2014 [7 favorites]
Outside of the issues you may have with alcohol, you were the person who got drunk and handsy at an office party. It's not the end of the world. Don't make a big deal out of it, but be appropriately mortified if asked about it. It'll blow over.
posted by xingcat at 7:55 PM on December 13, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by xingcat at 7:55 PM on December 13, 2014 [5 favorites]
If you do this one time only and from now on behave like an adult professional with your coworkers at all times, you'll be okay. If you do this another time, your reputation with these people and with this company is shot. Stop doing this. No more drinks with coworkers.
posted by something something at 7:57 PM on December 13, 2014 [14 favorites]
posted by something something at 7:57 PM on December 13, 2014 [14 favorites]
If I were that guy, I would prefer minimal contact for a while--no apology, nothing that makes me wonder if you're still trying to get attention. Everything else you've planned sounds appropriate. Also, distraction and sublimation: go do things that take your mind off this, e.g. by binge-watching Netflix or cleaning your house or whatever. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. This one is probably over, and you have reasonable ideas about how to prevent similar errors in the future.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 7:58 PM on December 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by Monsieur Caution at 7:58 PM on December 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
Best answer: It's actually probably for the best if you 'miss out' on his friendship. With the crush you have going on, trying to become his "friend" would only make your life that much more drama-filled and difficult. You definitely don't want to be his friend. Being polite and professional and staying as far away from him as possible is your best strategy at this point. If he says anything about last night, just say "oh, I'm so sorry, I got a little tipsy and I don't remember much of it. I don't ever plan to do that again! So, about those TPS reports..."
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:01 PM on December 13, 2014 [15 favorites]
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:01 PM on December 13, 2014 [15 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for the advice so far. I'm fairly certain no one noticed me dancing on him - my coworkers were surprised when I shared that with them. They were more concerned about my telling others that he's attractive more than anything else, though.
There is a very fancy, very important internal Christmas party coming up where everyone gets smashed every year and does crazy stuff. I am planning on limiting the drinks, limiting the dancing to with just my closest work friends, and leaving pretty early (targeting like 11 or so.) I'd rather not miss out on this, because there is a lot to celebrate and I've built some fantastic friendships. But I know it's just another test and I need to be careful. It's about self respect. Any thoughts? Should I go?
I'm mostly saddened about the possibility of losing this potential very good friend. I'm also sad if I made him uncomfortable with my actions. No one will know or needs to know about it, but he will hear from his friends what I said and will reflect on my behavior. He won't gossip at all, but might share with his friends what I did. He probably will actively avoid me even more.
I just wish I had good boundaries. I really had no idea telling his friends, whom I just met, how much I like him and am attracted to him is not appropriate. Coworkers had to tell me so.
Thanks for the advice so far.
posted by rhythm_queen at 8:01 PM on December 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
There is a very fancy, very important internal Christmas party coming up where everyone gets smashed every year and does crazy stuff. I am planning on limiting the drinks, limiting the dancing to with just my closest work friends, and leaving pretty early (targeting like 11 or so.) I'd rather not miss out on this, because there is a lot to celebrate and I've built some fantastic friendships. But I know it's just another test and I need to be careful. It's about self respect. Any thoughts? Should I go?
I'm mostly saddened about the possibility of losing this potential very good friend. I'm also sad if I made him uncomfortable with my actions. No one will know or needs to know about it, but he will hear from his friends what I said and will reflect on my behavior. He won't gossip at all, but might share with his friends what I did. He probably will actively avoid me even more.
I just wish I had good boundaries. I really had no idea telling his friends, whom I just met, how much I like him and am attracted to him is not appropriate. Coworkers had to tell me so.
Thanks for the advice so far.
posted by rhythm_queen at 8:01 PM on December 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
I recommend 0-1 adult beverages at the upcoming party.
posted by harrietthespy at 8:04 PM on December 13, 2014 [61 favorites]
posted by harrietthespy at 8:04 PM on December 13, 2014 [61 favorites]
Best answer: Limit the drinks to zero. Unless and until you get your mental health issues under control (and maybe not even then), you should not drink. You have been using alcohol in a way that is really harmful to you. It also appears you may be using it to self-medicate your anxiety. None of that is healthy, and the way to deal with it is by quitting drinking, period, until you are in a much better place mentally.
posted by decathecting at 8:05 PM on December 13, 2014 [59 favorites]
posted by decathecting at 8:05 PM on December 13, 2014 [59 favorites]
"(and everyone confirms they all had crushes on him too, that it's no big deal, but warned me not to act on it)." I am certain that one of them has told him and he's made it clear to them that he's not into you. They know this, but they didn't want to hurt you.
You didn't mention your family situation here, but from your behavior I get the feeling that you are trying to create a close family-type environment with your coworkers which NEVER works out well. Is it possible that you felt very unsupported by your actual family growing up so you're trying to recreate a family for yourself with your coworkers? The things you have been telling them are very personal things that would be reserved for your best friend of 10+ years or a blood relative who's been around that long or more... not with coworkers.
I think that this is just a situation for you to use as a coping exercise. The only difference between a spiritually and emotionally together person and the opposite isn't so much what uncomfortable situations they go through, but how comfortable they feel with discomfort. This is just a situation where you should focus on becoming comfortable with the fact that you're going to be uncomfortable. From your history I can tell that you're probably less comfortable with discomfort than most people. (and most people aren't even that good at it). Building up your tolerance will help build your tolerance to all sorts of emotional upheaval. Plus if you look at this situation as the growth exercise it truly should be, that perspective in itself should help you deal with this as well.
Oh and from now on- remember that your coworkers are not family. At best they are aquaintances. No more alcohol either. As a spiritual teacher once said: "If you learn enough from your mistake to learn from it/and not do it again, then it's no longer a mistake."
posted by rancher at 8:08 PM on December 13, 2014 [20 favorites]
You didn't mention your family situation here, but from your behavior I get the feeling that you are trying to create a close family-type environment with your coworkers which NEVER works out well. Is it possible that you felt very unsupported by your actual family growing up so you're trying to recreate a family for yourself with your coworkers? The things you have been telling them are very personal things that would be reserved for your best friend of 10+ years or a blood relative who's been around that long or more... not with coworkers.
I think that this is just a situation for you to use as a coping exercise. The only difference between a spiritually and emotionally together person and the opposite isn't so much what uncomfortable situations they go through, but how comfortable they feel with discomfort. This is just a situation where you should focus on becoming comfortable with the fact that you're going to be uncomfortable. From your history I can tell that you're probably less comfortable with discomfort than most people. (and most people aren't even that good at it). Building up your tolerance will help build your tolerance to all sorts of emotional upheaval. Plus if you look at this situation as the growth exercise it truly should be, that perspective in itself should help you deal with this as well.
Oh and from now on- remember that your coworkers are not family. At best they are aquaintances. No more alcohol either. As a spiritual teacher once said: "If you learn enough from your mistake to learn from it/and not do it again, then it's no longer a mistake."
posted by rancher at 8:08 PM on December 13, 2014 [20 favorites]
Let me repeat for emphasis: Limit the drinks to zero. Unless and until you get your mental health issues under control (and maybe not even then), you should not drink. You have been using alcohol in a way that is really harmful to you.
Your coworkers are not your friends. You may be friendly with them (that's good) but remember that everyone involved is in a business arrangement, which will continue only so long as it's beneficial to the people in power (ie: management). You don't want to be telling them your innermost secrets, especially any that relate to other people you work with.
Or to put it another way: Don't shit where you sleep. Keep your work and your personal life separate, and you will avoid a world of unpleasant drama.
posted by Alterscape at 8:10 PM on December 13, 2014 [14 favorites]
Your coworkers are not your friends. You may be friendly with them (that's good) but remember that everyone involved is in a business arrangement, which will continue only so long as it's beneficial to the people in power (ie: management). You don't want to be telling them your innermost secrets, especially any that relate to other people you work with.
Or to put it another way: Don't shit where you sleep. Keep your work and your personal life separate, and you will avoid a world of unpleasant drama.
posted by Alterscape at 8:10 PM on December 13, 2014 [14 favorites]
OK so this probably isn't super-healthy in the long run, but here's some immediately actionable anti-crush harm reduction: start developing a new Unattainable Crush.
Fictional characters are good. Or celebrities. Feel free to spend the rest of the weekend trawling for crushes on Netflix, Japanese fangirl sites, etc. Whenever you find yourself thinking fondly of Nice Guy Co-Worker, compare him unfavorably to New Crush, who for one thing probably has better hair.
posted by feral_goldfish at 8:15 PM on December 13, 2014 [11 favorites]
Fictional characters are good. Or celebrities. Feel free to spend the rest of the weekend trawling for crushes on Netflix, Japanese fangirl sites, etc. Whenever you find yourself thinking fondly of Nice Guy Co-Worker, compare him unfavorably to New Crush, who for one thing probably has better hair.
posted by feral_goldfish at 8:15 PM on December 13, 2014 [11 favorites]
Best answer: The guilt you are feeling about this is totally out of proportion to the thing. You're 22. You got wasted at a club with some coworkers and told them you thought the hot guy was hot. I mean, on a scale of NBD to Life Ruined this is somewhere in the ballpark of No One Will Care or Remember By Next Friday.
Certainly don't make a habit of it, but you can also be a little kinder to yourself.
It's also good advice as a general rule to not get drunk with your coworkers going forward.
posted by Lutoslawski at 8:16 PM on December 13, 2014 [41 favorites]
Certainly don't make a habit of it, but you can also be a little kinder to yourself.
It's also good advice as a general rule to not get drunk with your coworkers going forward.
posted by Lutoslawski at 8:16 PM on December 13, 2014 [41 favorites]
I think despite a momentary lapse of 22-year-old judgement, you have this situation way under control. In addition to "go forth and sin no more", IMHO the only other additional advice I have is go actively cultivate an appropriate love interest and friend group outside work. Other than that hey you're 22 and shit happens. You will be fine.
posted by bleep at 8:18 PM on December 13, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by bleep at 8:18 PM on December 13, 2014 [6 favorites]
I will also add that when one has inappropriate thoughts about a coworker, internally laugh it off saying "Oh you! So bad ;)" And then go back to thinking about work, as many times as it takes. I will not tell you how I know this works.
posted by bleep at 8:21 PM on December 13, 2014 [9 favorites]
posted by bleep at 8:21 PM on December 13, 2014 [9 favorites]
everyone gets smashed every year and does crazy stuff
You don't need to do what "everyone" does.
posted by rr at 8:22 PM on December 13, 2014 [20 favorites]
You don't need to do what "everyone" does.
posted by rr at 8:22 PM on December 13, 2014 [20 favorites]
You are very self-aware here and that's really good. You realize the drinking is a problem. You're seeking professional help. Keep doing the good things and avoid the situations that will lead to trouble.
As for the drinking story, I was expecting so much worse. I too have acted crazy and gotten shot down by a guy while drunk (or worse) and lived to tell the tale. You have permission to stop berating yourself now. Apologize to the coworker if you must and the only thing you can do for damage control beyond that is not to repeat the bad behavior. And your means of doing that is probably to stay sober and in control at all times, avoid drama, and focus on being a good coworker. That's it.
posted by futureisunwritten at 8:32 PM on December 13, 2014
As for the drinking story, I was expecting so much worse. I too have acted crazy and gotten shot down by a guy while drunk (or worse) and lived to tell the tale. You have permission to stop berating yourself now. Apologize to the coworker if you must and the only thing you can do for damage control beyond that is not to repeat the bad behavior. And your means of doing that is probably to stay sober and in control at all times, avoid drama, and focus on being a good coworker. That's it.
posted by futureisunwritten at 8:32 PM on December 13, 2014
Oh, honey. As others have said, you must immediately stop being so hard on yourself. First, what you did wasn't so great, but it is hardly a venial sin. Second, that self-hatred is just going to lead to more drugs and alcohol and other inappropriate coping mechanisms.
Looking forward, I would encourage you not to discuss your crushes with your colleagues ever again. This is something for your diary or for friends outside of work. Nothing good can come of it, and I think it has the potential to actually make this "A Thing" as opposed to a little fantasy that makes your day brighter. Starting today, just put the breaks on it; don't rehash what happened at the party or ask your colleagues if they think your crush is uncomfortable, etc. If you must have non-work things to talk about, chat about popular culture or something external to the office.
As far as the crush goes, just don't bring up your crush or the night in question. Try to keep a professional, friendly relationship with him; don't hide or run away when you see him, but also don't discuss anything other than work or innocuous chit-chat about the weather, etc.
Finally, you need to get some sort of life outside the office. I would suggest on-line dating, or taking a dance class or something. You can't have all your emotional energy focused on this work environment (which, from your description, sounds a bit like a reality television show).
posted by girl flaneur at 8:34 PM on December 13, 2014 [5 favorites]
Looking forward, I would encourage you not to discuss your crushes with your colleagues ever again. This is something for your diary or for friends outside of work. Nothing good can come of it, and I think it has the potential to actually make this "A Thing" as opposed to a little fantasy that makes your day brighter. Starting today, just put the breaks on it; don't rehash what happened at the party or ask your colleagues if they think your crush is uncomfortable, etc. If you must have non-work things to talk about, chat about popular culture or something external to the office.
As far as the crush goes, just don't bring up your crush or the night in question. Try to keep a professional, friendly relationship with him; don't hide or run away when you see him, but also don't discuss anything other than work or innocuous chit-chat about the weather, etc.
Finally, you need to get some sort of life outside the office. I would suggest on-line dating, or taking a dance class or something. You can't have all your emotional energy focused on this work environment (which, from your description, sounds a bit like a reality television show).
posted by girl flaneur at 8:34 PM on December 13, 2014 [5 favorites]
I think you can go to the other party but would suggest you get one of your friends who is responsible/mature and who you can be accountable to, who's also going to be staying sober or close to it, and make sure they can help you achieve your goals. I think a lot of times making yourself accountable to someone else who you know will be keeping an eye on you can help get you through the little moments you might have been tempted to do something you'd regret - they can make sure you stick to your story about being the designated driver, or needing to get to bed early or whatever. That's just a temporizing measure, since of course in the future you will have established mental healthcare and you will have become such a responsible and mature person yourself you won't need to worry about such things….
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:35 PM on December 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:35 PM on December 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
Best answer: What I would do is act totally, COMPLETELY low-key and normal around him for the next 6 months to forever. If it were me, my crush feelings would be pretty minimized by my mortification, so I'd use that non-energy to treat him like a totally normal person, i.e., not conspicuously avoid him but not go out of my way to talk to him or apologize or anything. I think that would be the best damage control possible. Acting like what you did was a drunken mistake and he's just another coworker to you. If the crush feelings aren't going away, imagine him picking his nose or taking a shit or something. Or masturbate more so that when you're at work you're all sexed out and don't care anymore.
posted by stoneandstar at 8:39 PM on December 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by stoneandstar at 8:39 PM on December 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
So, I've been thinking a lot about this question. The way you write about everything reminds me a lot of the stuff I used to do when I was still drinking. I absolutely don't want to project my issues onto you, so if I'm not reading the situation correctly, please ignore.
1. Don't drink at the holiday party. I know that you think "everyone" is getting smashed, but since I've stopped drinking I've realized that the vast majority of folks weren't getting as trashed as I was. No one will care if you aren't drinking (or even notice - just get a glass of water with a lime in it and you're good), and I think taking a break from getting wasted with your coworkers is not a bad idea.
2. I'm worried, because it sounds like you spend a lot of time planning how you're going to behave when you're drinking/what it will be like when you're drinking. If you have a lot of mental health stuff going on (and especially if you've struggled with drug addiction in the past), I think it would be wise to take a break from drinking for a bit. I'm not sure if the vibe I'm getting is accurate, but it sounds a lot like you are using alcohol as a tool for fueling your social interactions/because you are kind of down on yourself.
Again, if this is totally off base I COMPLETELY get it. I'm rooting for you, and I promise that this thing that feels mortifying/awful now will be a tiny blip in a couple of weeks, especially if you forgive yourself for doing something very minor (I've made WAY worse decisions while trashed). Drinking shouldn't make you feel self-loathing/embarrassed. It should be fun! And, if it stops being fun, it's a good idea to take a break for a bit and recalibrate your relationship with alcohol.
posted by superlibby at 9:11 PM on December 13, 2014 [9 favorites]
1. Don't drink at the holiday party. I know that you think "everyone" is getting smashed, but since I've stopped drinking I've realized that the vast majority of folks weren't getting as trashed as I was. No one will care if you aren't drinking (or even notice - just get a glass of water with a lime in it and you're good), and I think taking a break from getting wasted with your coworkers is not a bad idea.
2. I'm worried, because it sounds like you spend a lot of time planning how you're going to behave when you're drinking/what it will be like when you're drinking. If you have a lot of mental health stuff going on (and especially if you've struggled with drug addiction in the past), I think it would be wise to take a break from drinking for a bit. I'm not sure if the vibe I'm getting is accurate, but it sounds a lot like you are using alcohol as a tool for fueling your social interactions/because you are kind of down on yourself.
Again, if this is totally off base I COMPLETELY get it. I'm rooting for you, and I promise that this thing that feels mortifying/awful now will be a tiny blip in a couple of weeks, especially if you forgive yourself for doing something very minor (I've made WAY worse decisions while trashed). Drinking shouldn't make you feel self-loathing/embarrassed. It should be fun! And, if it stops being fun, it's a good idea to take a break for a bit and recalibrate your relationship with alcohol.
posted by superlibby at 9:11 PM on December 13, 2014 [9 favorites]
I'm fairly certain no one noticed me dancing on him - my coworkers were surprised when I shared that with them. They were more concerned about my telling others that he's attractive more than anything else, though.
I would like to point out that this whole situation could have effectively disappeared if you hadn't told anyone. The man you tried to dance with would know, but it would be easy to smooth that over by pretending it never happened. So, why did you tell your coworkers? Were you still drunk? (And when you told your mother? Were you drunk then, too?)
Regardless of the state of inebriation, this discussion of things has involved many people in this issue who did not need to be involved. (And who almost certainly did not want to be involved.) It is a different kind of imposition than trying to dance with someone who does not want to dance with you, but it is an imposition all the same.
I recognize in your behavior something of what I was like at your age. Needing alcohol to overcome (sensible) inhibitions, and then, once I had overcome them, finding a great thrill in confessing my indiscretions to friends. (Fortunately, I didn't do this in a work environment, but it isn't any more welcome outside of it.) I didn't think I was telling my friends about these things for a thrill; but I absolutely was. Their image of me was that of a nice but unadventurous person (which is what I really am), but I wanted to be seen as glamorous and risk-taking, and as the kind of woman who could cause men to be interested in her. So, I drank, took planned risks, and then told my friends what I'd done, since in order to see me as adventurous, they'd have to know about my adventures.
I do wonder if this pattern feels familiar to you. I also wonder if posting here is part of it. Are you, in your panic, unconsciously expanding the sphere of your story by telling us?
(To be clear, I think it is absolutely fine for you to ask us about this. Internet strangers are a great audience for this kind of thing precisely because it's not an imposition to tell us. If we didn't want to hear the story, we wouldn't read it. I ask the question only as an invitation to reflect upon whether asking questions here in a panic after you've already sought advice--and spread the story--to your colleagues and your mother, is part of a pattern of behavior that's worth being aware of.)
posted by ocherdraco at 9:38 PM on December 13, 2014 [29 favorites]
I would like to point out that this whole situation could have effectively disappeared if you hadn't told anyone. The man you tried to dance with would know, but it would be easy to smooth that over by pretending it never happened. So, why did you tell your coworkers? Were you still drunk? (And when you told your mother? Were you drunk then, too?)
Regardless of the state of inebriation, this discussion of things has involved many people in this issue who did not need to be involved. (And who almost certainly did not want to be involved.) It is a different kind of imposition than trying to dance with someone who does not want to dance with you, but it is an imposition all the same.
I recognize in your behavior something of what I was like at your age. Needing alcohol to overcome (sensible) inhibitions, and then, once I had overcome them, finding a great thrill in confessing my indiscretions to friends. (Fortunately, I didn't do this in a work environment, but it isn't any more welcome outside of it.) I didn't think I was telling my friends about these things for a thrill; but I absolutely was. Their image of me was that of a nice but unadventurous person (which is what I really am), but I wanted to be seen as glamorous and risk-taking, and as the kind of woman who could cause men to be interested in her. So, I drank, took planned risks, and then told my friends what I'd done, since in order to see me as adventurous, they'd have to know about my adventures.
I do wonder if this pattern feels familiar to you. I also wonder if posting here is part of it. Are you, in your panic, unconsciously expanding the sphere of your story by telling us?
(To be clear, I think it is absolutely fine for you to ask us about this. Internet strangers are a great audience for this kind of thing precisely because it's not an imposition to tell us. If we didn't want to hear the story, we wouldn't read it. I ask the question only as an invitation to reflect upon whether asking questions here in a panic after you've already sought advice--and spread the story--to your colleagues and your mother, is part of a pattern of behavior that's worth being aware of.)
posted by ocherdraco at 9:38 PM on December 13, 2014 [29 favorites]
I think you should stop talking to everyone who yelled at you about this.
NO ONE SHOULD BE SPEAKING TO YOU THAT WAY. EVER.
I gotta be honest, giving these people power over you is so much worse than anything you did drunk the other night.
These people love drama, but they don't love you. I'm sad you think they are showing you love and respect with their judgement and shit stirring.
Tell your mother to fuck off until she can manage to treat you with a little respect and dignity. Next time, don't got to her for comfort. Clearly, she's not capable of empathy or constructive criticism.
Good luck. Yep. And stop drinking.
Sober people are really sexy, btw. Just FYI ;))
posted by jbenben at 10:42 PM on December 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
NO ONE SHOULD BE SPEAKING TO YOU THAT WAY. EVER.
I gotta be honest, giving these people power over you is so much worse than anything you did drunk the other night.
These people love drama, but they don't love you. I'm sad you think they are showing you love and respect with their judgement and shit stirring.
Tell your mother to fuck off until she can manage to treat you with a little respect and dignity. Next time, don't got to her for comfort. Clearly, she's not capable of empathy or constructive criticism.
Good luck. Yep. And stop drinking.
Sober people are really sexy, btw. Just FYI ;))
posted by jbenben at 10:42 PM on December 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
Do not talk to your co-workers about your personal life going forward. Do not bring him up, do not behave as if you're besties. They are work buddies. They get vague, generic updates. No more.
Yes, this. You can enjoy time with them in a different way - avoid talking about yourself, or about other coworkers. Instead, talk about current events, TV/film/music, and work-related news. Save the personal stuff for your friends outside of work. On preview, I think others are right that it would help you to be more selective about who you tell what in general, but I think learning how to figure that out will come, in your therapy.
Though I strongly agree that drinking might be something to avoid for now or maxing out at one, for later on, space out your drinks with non-alcoholic beverages. Water to flush the alcohol out, but also high-flavour non-alcoholic mixed drinks, so that you spend a bit of time on them. For the alcoholic drinks, also choose things with intense flavour, maybe a little bitter, so they're not so easy to throw back - no candy cocktails or swiggable beer. Eat food - before you go out, and nibble through the night. For this party, though, really no drinks at all, or just the one, and I agree that a friend to back you up might help you get through.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:57 PM on December 13, 2014
Yes, this. You can enjoy time with them in a different way - avoid talking about yourself, or about other coworkers. Instead, talk about current events, TV/film/music, and work-related news. Save the personal stuff for your friends outside of work. On preview, I think others are right that it would help you to be more selective about who you tell what in general, but I think learning how to figure that out will come, in your therapy.
Though I strongly agree that drinking might be something to avoid for now or maxing out at one, for later on, space out your drinks with non-alcoholic beverages. Water to flush the alcohol out, but also high-flavour non-alcoholic mixed drinks, so that you spend a bit of time on them. For the alcoholic drinks, also choose things with intense flavour, maybe a little bitter, so they're not so easy to throw back - no candy cocktails or swiggable beer. Eat food - before you go out, and nibble through the night. For this party, though, really no drinks at all, or just the one, and I agree that a friend to back you up might help you get through.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:57 PM on December 13, 2014
Best answer: First of all, alcohol is a depressant and to some extent boosts anxiety after it wears off. That means (a) this shame spiral you're on may be partly just the hangover, but also (b) it won't help your mental health issues.
I'd like to suggest that you treat this upcoming party like you're a secret agent who only pretends to drink as part of her cover. Coke, or fizzy water with a lime in it, are great ways to fake it. Don't think you'll be missing out; you will be amazed. All the things that they hazily remember, you will remember in crystal clarity. All those things they might confess "y'know i really love you man!!! you're my favorite person in the entire city-- no no, the entire state!!!" -- they will still confess even if you're totally sober.
At the next party, some of the people who heard about the other night will be checking out how inebriated you are -- trying to see if you're "that person who always gets totally drunk" or if you're just a person who got crazy once, which of course we almost all are. So have a great time, but keep your shit together. Sit back, watch others, listen to their confessions, and generally enjoy feeling super brilliant because of having all your wits about you. And leave when the drunk people start to annoy you.
If anyone brings up the other night, don't talk like you're talking now (like it's some deep reflection on your character) (I'm not judging; I know how the hangover shame spiral goes) -- instead talk like "sorry, I can't believe what a crazy night that was. and boy, was I ever hung over! anyway, about that TPS report..." In other words: anything that happened was just temporary insanity, maybe meriting a quick apology but not meriting an actual discussion; it's out of the usual for you but you're not ashamed because hey, everyone gets a little crazy once in a blue moon; and now you're ready to focus on work and be professional.
Oh, and at the next party, consider whether some people will expect the same level of conversational intimacy. I.e., they might still expect to hear your latest confession; they might ask, "so, are you still trying to get in Joe's 'hot pants'?" (or whatever language you used with his friends). So be ready for that. It might be hard to become Ms. Professional Boundaries overnight while people still expect something else. If you don't want to overshare again, you might come prepared. You could try to turn the conversation to them ("no, I can't believe I ever said that -- but how about you? whose hot pants are you trying to get in? I forget if you told me whether you're in a relationship") or have prepared a few office-safe pseudo-overshares ("no, I can't believe I ever said that -- after the other night, I am all about the health! I just signed up for this great new gym...")
posted by salvia at 11:12 PM on December 13, 2014 [6 favorites]
I'd like to suggest that you treat this upcoming party like you're a secret agent who only pretends to drink as part of her cover. Coke, or fizzy water with a lime in it, are great ways to fake it. Don't think you'll be missing out; you will be amazed. All the things that they hazily remember, you will remember in crystal clarity. All those things they might confess "y'know i really love you man!!! you're my favorite person in the entire city-- no no, the entire state!!!" -- they will still confess even if you're totally sober.
At the next party, some of the people who heard about the other night will be checking out how inebriated you are -- trying to see if you're "that person who always gets totally drunk" or if you're just a person who got crazy once, which of course we almost all are. So have a great time, but keep your shit together. Sit back, watch others, listen to their confessions, and generally enjoy feeling super brilliant because of having all your wits about you. And leave when the drunk people start to annoy you.
If anyone brings up the other night, don't talk like you're talking now (like it's some deep reflection on your character) (I'm not judging; I know how the hangover shame spiral goes) -- instead talk like "sorry, I can't believe what a crazy night that was. and boy, was I ever hung over! anyway, about that TPS report..." In other words: anything that happened was just temporary insanity, maybe meriting a quick apology but not meriting an actual discussion; it's out of the usual for you but you're not ashamed because hey, everyone gets a little crazy once in a blue moon; and now you're ready to focus on work and be professional.
Oh, and at the next party, consider whether some people will expect the same level of conversational intimacy. I.e., they might still expect to hear your latest confession; they might ask, "so, are you still trying to get in Joe's 'hot pants'?" (or whatever language you used with his friends). So be ready for that. It might be hard to become Ms. Professional Boundaries overnight while people still expect something else. If you don't want to overshare again, you might come prepared. You could try to turn the conversation to them ("no, I can't believe I ever said that -- but how about you? whose hot pants are you trying to get in? I forget if you told me whether you're in a relationship") or have prepared a few office-safe pseudo-overshares ("no, I can't believe I ever said that -- after the other night, I am all about the health! I just signed up for this great new gym...")
posted by salvia at 11:12 PM on December 13, 2014 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Just about everyone has done this at some point, where they got drunk and embarrassed the hell outta themselves and they wish they could take it back. There's no deep shame in it. It will pass and it will become a distant memory and it will not define you. But do take some lessons away from the experience, at a minimum with regard to alcohol consumption, but there may be other takeaways. Stop beating yourself up though. Just learn from it and don't do it again.
As for what to do next, if it comes up, apologize for getting so drunk and say you won't be doing that again. Feel free to admit you're embarrassed. Otherwise, just move past it and don't dwell on it. As for this guy, it seems you've picked up that he isn't interested. It sucks to have a crush that isn't reciprocated, but sometimes there's just nothing you can do. So I'd probably back off and realize you can't convince him to like you. It's hard when you really like someone, but try to play it cool and see him as just another guy at work.
posted by AppleTurnover at 11:31 PM on December 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
As for what to do next, if it comes up, apologize for getting so drunk and say you won't be doing that again. Feel free to admit you're embarrassed. Otherwise, just move past it and don't dwell on it. As for this guy, it seems you've picked up that he isn't interested. It sucks to have a crush that isn't reciprocated, but sometimes there's just nothing you can do. So I'd probably back off and realize you can't convince him to like you. It's hard when you really like someone, but try to play it cool and see him as just another guy at work.
posted by AppleTurnover at 11:31 PM on December 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
People older than you do stupid things when drunk. Ask me how I know. (I also know people who are more than twice your age who still do dumb things. You are not the only one.)
But even at my most shameful moments (and oh ... there have been a few), my friends were, at worst "that was stupid but we still like you." Because they had been there before too. You'd be amazed at how much people put up with and forgive.
I would go into work Monday and definitely pretend you did nothing wrong because you didn't. Chances are, no one really noticed. Or if they did, it's not a big deal. Don't apologize to this guy. Just be yourself.
Don't drink too much at your holiday party, though, or at all. You need to form some limits with these people for your own mental state. And for me ... well, this is just me, but I tend to have pretty hard lines between my work life and my social life. It's not even that my coworkers are bad people -- I just want some boundaries. I'd recommend that for you. Seek friends and a social life outside of work. You can still hang out with them, yeah, but knowing you don't have to will do you good. (I know making friends is tough, though.)
posted by darksong at 12:23 AM on December 14, 2014 [4 favorites]
But even at my most shameful moments (and oh ... there have been a few), my friends were, at worst "that was stupid but we still like you." Because they had been there before too. You'd be amazed at how much people put up with and forgive.
I would go into work Monday and definitely pretend you did nothing wrong because you didn't. Chances are, no one really noticed. Or if they did, it's not a big deal. Don't apologize to this guy. Just be yourself.
Don't drink too much at your holiday party, though, or at all. You need to form some limits with these people for your own mental state. And for me ... well, this is just me, but I tend to have pretty hard lines between my work life and my social life. It's not even that my coworkers are bad people -- I just want some boundaries. I'd recommend that for you. Seek friends and a social life outside of work. You can still hang out with them, yeah, but knowing you don't have to will do you good. (I know making friends is tough, though.)
posted by darksong at 12:23 AM on December 14, 2014 [4 favorites]
Best answer: This scenario actually reminds me of another question you asked, where you were dating a dismissive guy, and his dismissiveness made you anxious, so you drank to reduce the anxiety, and then became sexually aggressive in a bid to get him to react the way you wanted. Here, it's a coworker, and the rejection is institutionalized, but it may be tapping the same kinds of insecurities and prompting similar responses.
If that sounds right, this would be something to work on in therapy. But in terms of dealing with this immediate situation, I think it would be helpful to plan a way to try to cope with, or reframe, behaviour you observe on his side that your brain may read as rejection. So if it comes up, like you find yourself feeling sad and then agitated, remind yourself that it's because of a workplace rule.
If there was a consensus among your coworkers and friends on what was appropriate and what was not, I'm not sure it's a good idea to completely ignore them. I don't think you should beat yourself up about what happened, and their style of expressing things may have been unhelpful or worse (another thing entirely), but if they, especially those who were present, are all reading things the same way, and you're not picking it up, I think you're wise to pay attention and take what you can from it. That is a growth-oriented response, and you should be pleased about that.
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:45 AM on December 14, 2014 [7 favorites]
If that sounds right, this would be something to work on in therapy. But in terms of dealing with this immediate situation, I think it would be helpful to plan a way to try to cope with, or reframe, behaviour you observe on his side that your brain may read as rejection. So if it comes up, like you find yourself feeling sad and then agitated, remind yourself that it's because of a workplace rule.
If there was a consensus among your coworkers and friends on what was appropriate and what was not, I'm not sure it's a good idea to completely ignore them. I don't think you should beat yourself up about what happened, and their style of expressing things may have been unhelpful or worse (another thing entirely), but if they, especially those who were present, are all reading things the same way, and you're not picking it up, I think you're wise to pay attention and take what you can from it. That is a growth-oriented response, and you should be pleased about that.
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:45 AM on December 14, 2014 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I've been yelled at, scolded and shouted at by everybody (including my mom and my coworker friends) about how stupid, how immature, how fucking ridiculous my behavior is.
Dude, what?
Seriously, we've all had crushes. This is really not a big deal on the level of yelling, "stupid", etc.
At worst, you violated this guy's boundaries and that's not great of you.
But most likely what has happened is that this coworker you're crushing on now knows you have a crush, and he doesn't feel the same about you.
So what?
What do you think is going to happen, here? Worst case, there's some slight awkwardness between you. But, you know, you will survive this awkwardness. I once had a crush on a coworker, and I asked him out, and he said no, and it was mortifying, but I fucking moved on and at this point it is not a factor in my life in any way.
Your friends have warned you against acting on this crush because they don't want to see you hurt. That's all. There's no "damage control" to do. And if this guy rejects you, that's on him. You didn't put him in any kind of "position". Again, at worst, there'll be a slight awkwardness between you for a little while. Then you will get over the crush and everything will go on as normal. Frankly it sounds like some of your coworkers are prone to being drama queens about interpersonal stuff, and everyone is catastrophizing a situation that really just isn't a big deal at all.
So just... take a deep breath. Be cool. Relax. None of this matters at all. It doesn't make you a bad person. In a month this will be forgotten, and you will get over this guy, and seriously, really, this is nothing. Nothing.
Also, as for more practical advice, in future I would stop ever confiding your emotions -- especially about relationship/dating stuff, and double especially if it pertains to other coworkers -- to these coworkers. They all sound like they have the social maturity of high school kids. You don't need all this drama and noise in your life.
posted by Sara C. at 12:59 AM on December 14, 2014 [7 favorites]
Dude, what?
Seriously, we've all had crushes. This is really not a big deal on the level of yelling, "stupid", etc.
At worst, you violated this guy's boundaries and that's not great of you.
But most likely what has happened is that this coworker you're crushing on now knows you have a crush, and he doesn't feel the same about you.
So what?
What do you think is going to happen, here? Worst case, there's some slight awkwardness between you. But, you know, you will survive this awkwardness. I once had a crush on a coworker, and I asked him out, and he said no, and it was mortifying, but I fucking moved on and at this point it is not a factor in my life in any way.
Your friends have warned you against acting on this crush because they don't want to see you hurt. That's all. There's no "damage control" to do. And if this guy rejects you, that's on him. You didn't put him in any kind of "position". Again, at worst, there'll be a slight awkwardness between you for a little while. Then you will get over the crush and everything will go on as normal. Frankly it sounds like some of your coworkers are prone to being drama queens about interpersonal stuff, and everyone is catastrophizing a situation that really just isn't a big deal at all.
So just... take a deep breath. Be cool. Relax. None of this matters at all. It doesn't make you a bad person. In a month this will be forgotten, and you will get over this guy, and seriously, really, this is nothing. Nothing.
Also, as for more practical advice, in future I would stop ever confiding your emotions -- especially about relationship/dating stuff, and double especially if it pertains to other coworkers -- to these coworkers. They all sound like they have the social maturity of high school kids. You don't need all this drama and noise in your life.
posted by Sara C. at 12:59 AM on December 14, 2014 [7 favorites]
a very fancy, very important internal Christmas party coming up where everyone gets smashed every year and does crazy stuff.
Just read this from your update.
Girl, you need to find a new job. Screw whether to go to this one party or say something to this guy or whatever. Your workplace situation sounds fucking toxic. Go find a job where your crushes aren't the subject of massive office drama, and where everybody isn't getting smashed up in da club all the damn time. WTF. Do you work for the Kardashians or something? Because most workplace environments are not like this, at all.
posted by Sara C. at 1:03 AM on December 14, 2014 [16 favorites]
Just read this from your update.
Girl, you need to find a new job. Screw whether to go to this one party or say something to this guy or whatever. Your workplace situation sounds fucking toxic. Go find a job where your crushes aren't the subject of massive office drama, and where everybody isn't getting smashed up in da club all the damn time. WTF. Do you work for the Kardashians or something? Because most workplace environments are not like this, at all.
posted by Sara C. at 1:03 AM on December 14, 2014 [16 favorites]
You're mature enough to eschew getting "scolded" by your mom (or anyone else). Don't take any more of that.
Unequal love-attractions are ubiquitous in life as you will find as you live on. You're not doing too bad so far in learning how to deal with these inevitabilities. Seems like most of the "drama" is going on in your head. I have found through long and difficult experience that there are some situations were too much "thinking" (head work) is not very helpful and can even be harmful.
Sounds to me like you've been using a pretty light touch so far. Keep it that way and yeah, if you suspect that the alcohol level is a problem, it probably is.
posted by telstar at 2:05 AM on December 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
Unequal love-attractions are ubiquitous in life as you will find as you live on. You're not doing too bad so far in learning how to deal with these inevitabilities. Seems like most of the "drama" is going on in your head. I have found through long and difficult experience that there are some situations were too much "thinking" (head work) is not very helpful and can even be harmful.
Sounds to me like you've been using a pretty light touch so far. Keep it that way and yeah, if you suspect that the alcohol level is a problem, it probably is.
posted by telstar at 2:05 AM on December 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
People older than you do stupid things when drunk. Ask me how I know. (I also know people who are more than twice your age who still do dumb things. You are not the only one.)
Yes. This. At he age of 28 (as in, six years older than you are now and way too old for this shit), I got really drunk on New Year's Eve and tried to come onto someone who was painfully, obviously, woefully uninterested. You know what I did? I cringed at my own behavior the next day, and then I moved on, because eh. It's embarrassing, but it's not like I assaulted him. Like others have said, sure, what you did wasn't great, but also not nearly as big a deal as you're making it out to be. Don't drink around your coworkers anymore and stop talking to your coworkers about this situation and your crush.
If I were him, I would appreciate an apology (but also, I'm not him, so YMMV).
And don't drink at the holiday party if you're battling addiction issues.
posted by Enchanting Grasshopper at 3:20 AM on December 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
Yes. This. At he age of 28 (as in, six years older than you are now and way too old for this shit), I got really drunk on New Year's Eve and tried to come onto someone who was painfully, obviously, woefully uninterested. You know what I did? I cringed at my own behavior the next day, and then I moved on, because eh. It's embarrassing, but it's not like I assaulted him. Like others have said, sure, what you did wasn't great, but also not nearly as big a deal as you're making it out to be. Don't drink around your coworkers anymore and stop talking to your coworkers about this situation and your crush.
If I were him, I would appreciate an apology (but also, I'm not him, so YMMV).
And don't drink at the holiday party if you're battling addiction issues.
posted by Enchanting Grasshopper at 3:20 AM on December 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I'm going to talk to you like you were my own daughter (relax, I'm a pretty decent mom):
Yikes. You're right; this seems horrifying. I can see why you feel like you really screwed up.
You didn't screw up as massively as you think you did. Seriously.
The best news is that it's over and you're going to pick up your goddamned head and move on.
First, start drinking a ton of water. Like, liters. Then go for a run or a hike or put in an high impact aerobic exercise dvd. Get some sweat on for at least 45 minutes. Go take a hot yoga class. You need to balance yourself out physically with an endorphin rush. Go, sweat; I'll be here when you're done.
Done? Okay. Now, go out and get a manicure. Go treat yourself to a really great salad somewhere with lots of tofu and beans and protein. Not bread-y carbs.. These will make you cranky. Your body needs virtuous, colorful, vitamin-rich food. Followed by dark chocolate.
Go wander around the city and check out a bookstore and get yourself something new to read. Get a new herbal tea and some healthy snacks for the week. Buy yourself a new scarf or tights for work. When you get home, get your outfit and coffee ready for tomorrow and then relax and read your book. Watch Dr. Who or 30 Rock. Stay off the internet. Pack your lunch for work. Go to sleep.
Tomorrow at work you need to approach this guy and apologize. (It's a small office and you're going to see him, right?) So first thing you head over to his desk and say, "Hey I'm sorry about my behavior the other night. I feel really badly about it and it won't happen again." Then stay away from him. Do not talk to him unless absolutely necessary. Do not talk about him to your co-workers. In fact, don't engage in any office gossip.
Then get to work. Keep busy. If anyone of your gossipy co-workers brings the evening up, you tell them the same thing, you feel badly and it won't happen again. And get back to work.
Don't let any of this happen again. And you know the VERY important internal party where everyone gets wasted and does crazy things?
You are going to get a stomach virus that day. You will be too sick to attend the party. This will not be as big a deal as you think it is.
Do NOT go to this event.
I'm glad you're taking ownership of this. You're a swell kid. Now go outside and play. Call me if you need anything else.
posted by kinetic at 4:56 AM on December 14, 2014 [25 favorites]
Yikes. You're right; this seems horrifying. I can see why you feel like you really screwed up.
You didn't screw up as massively as you think you did. Seriously.
The best news is that it's over and you're going to pick up your goddamned head and move on.
First, start drinking a ton of water. Like, liters. Then go for a run or a hike or put in an high impact aerobic exercise dvd. Get some sweat on for at least 45 minutes. Go take a hot yoga class. You need to balance yourself out physically with an endorphin rush. Go, sweat; I'll be here when you're done.
Done? Okay. Now, go out and get a manicure. Go treat yourself to a really great salad somewhere with lots of tofu and beans and protein. Not bread-y carbs.. These will make you cranky. Your body needs virtuous, colorful, vitamin-rich food. Followed by dark chocolate.
Go wander around the city and check out a bookstore and get yourself something new to read. Get a new herbal tea and some healthy snacks for the week. Buy yourself a new scarf or tights for work. When you get home, get your outfit and coffee ready for tomorrow and then relax and read your book. Watch Dr. Who or 30 Rock. Stay off the internet. Pack your lunch for work. Go to sleep.
Tomorrow at work you need to approach this guy and apologize. (It's a small office and you're going to see him, right?) So first thing you head over to his desk and say, "Hey I'm sorry about my behavior the other night. I feel really badly about it and it won't happen again." Then stay away from him. Do not talk to him unless absolutely necessary. Do not talk about him to your co-workers. In fact, don't engage in any office gossip.
Then get to work. Keep busy. If anyone of your gossipy co-workers brings the evening up, you tell them the same thing, you feel badly and it won't happen again. And get back to work.
Don't let any of this happen again. And you know the VERY important internal party where everyone gets wasted and does crazy things?
You are going to get a stomach virus that day. You will be too sick to attend the party. This will not be as big a deal as you think it is.
Do NOT go to this event.
I'm glad you're taking ownership of this. You're a swell kid. Now go outside and play. Call me if you need anything else.
posted by kinetic at 4:56 AM on December 14, 2014 [25 favorites]
Best answer: Oh yeah, prepare yourself that some of your gossipy co-workers (and they're just nice people with whom you work but they're not really your friends) will want to bring this up. When they do, continue to repeat, "I feel really badly about my behavior. It's not going to happen again and I need to get back to work (make a call, send an email, etc.)." Then get back to work.
Don't let them drag this out for you. Everyone screws up and that's okay. Hold your head up and move on.
posted by kinetic at 5:07 AM on December 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
Don't let them drag this out for you. Everyone screws up and that's okay. Hold your head up and move on.
posted by kinetic at 5:07 AM on December 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
I generally agree with others' advice; that this probably isn't as big a deal as you fear and you need more boundaries with your coworkers. However, depending on exactly what happened, I think an apology to your crush IS appropriate. If the genders were reversed a lot more people would be seeing putting your hands on him as really inappropriate, and a lot of men experience that as harassment as well. Be professional, say "I'm so sorry I crossed some lines; it won't happen again and I promise to behave professionally around you; I had too much to drink and I will also make sure that doesn't happen around my coworkers again as well."
posted by metasarah at 5:25 AM on December 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by metasarah at 5:25 AM on December 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I've been in that sales environment. First of all, echoing everyone here. Stop Drinking. It doesn't have to be permanent but for now, just don't drink. Even one drink will lower your defenses, when you're not tipsy, it's easy to say no, but if you have one, it's too easy to have another, then another, etc.
For now, be business-like at work. Stop confessing every silly thing that comes into your head. The world doesn't need to know about your crushes. Ye Gods!
Don't put your crush in awkward positions. Dial down the whole thing. Your feelings about this person are immaterial. They don't matter. He may be the nicest person in the world, he may even like you, but he doesn't want to give up his job for you. As for being friends, cool that shit for now. Stop being so concerned about how YOU feel, think about how HE feels.
I will say that drunken behavior at drunken evenings in a sales organization are as common as dirt. Trust and believe that this will blow over in hours, not days, just so long as you act normally and don't keep fueling the dramaz with hand-wringing and flagellation and such-like.
Go to work, keep your head down and do your job, give your crush a wide berth for now, and skip the next couple of happy hours. Give someone else a chance to show his or her ass in public.
Go to the Christmas party and have 0 drinks. Leave early (because drunks are boring.)
Keep going to therapy, keep maturing and perhaps start dating outside of work via Match or OKC.
Develop other interests. I will say that these work clusters/fun times are cyclical. Someone will leave, another will join, a third will get married and put childish things behind him, etc. These are fun times, I had them at your age and I treasure them. But they're ephemeral. It doesn't last.
Don't be that person everyone is talking about 5 yeas later who did body shots off of the ice sculpture. That person has a hard time getting ahead in the company. And you really want to do well at your job. Right?
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:40 AM on December 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
For now, be business-like at work. Stop confessing every silly thing that comes into your head. The world doesn't need to know about your crushes. Ye Gods!
Don't put your crush in awkward positions. Dial down the whole thing. Your feelings about this person are immaterial. They don't matter. He may be the nicest person in the world, he may even like you, but he doesn't want to give up his job for you. As for being friends, cool that shit for now. Stop being so concerned about how YOU feel, think about how HE feels.
I will say that drunken behavior at drunken evenings in a sales organization are as common as dirt. Trust and believe that this will blow over in hours, not days, just so long as you act normally and don't keep fueling the dramaz with hand-wringing and flagellation and such-like.
Go to work, keep your head down and do your job, give your crush a wide berth for now, and skip the next couple of happy hours. Give someone else a chance to show his or her ass in public.
Go to the Christmas party and have 0 drinks. Leave early (because drunks are boring.)
Keep going to therapy, keep maturing and perhaps start dating outside of work via Match or OKC.
Develop other interests. I will say that these work clusters/fun times are cyclical. Someone will leave, another will join, a third will get married and put childish things behind him, etc. These are fun times, I had them at your age and I treasure them. But they're ephemeral. It doesn't last.
Don't be that person everyone is talking about 5 yeas later who did body shots off of the ice sculpture. That person has a hard time getting ahead in the company. And you really want to do well at your job. Right?
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:40 AM on December 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I'm going to also offer up that your high-pressure sales job ticks some bio-chemical boxes where the rushes of adrenalin, plus other highs and lows (like needing to use alcohol to mellow out) is reminiscent of whatever childhood history of (emotional? physical?) abuse you are processing.
There are TONS of books you can find about this bio-chemical component to trauma and abuse, and how to overcome it safely ( hint: alcohol and environments that reinforce or mimick those highs and lows are not helping you like you think!) so go to the internet or library and find them. If your new therapist doesn't know anything about this, go find one who does.
There are multiple reasons you find yourself acting out and inviting drama like this. Tackle all angles as you pursue emotional health.
posted by jbenben at 5:51 AM on December 14, 2014 [4 favorites]
There are TONS of books you can find about this bio-chemical component to trauma and abuse, and how to overcome it safely ( hint: alcohol and environments that reinforce or mimick those highs and lows are not helping you like you think!) so go to the internet or library and find them. If your new therapist doesn't know anything about this, go find one who does.
There are multiple reasons you find yourself acting out and inviting drama like this. Tackle all angles as you pursue emotional health.
posted by jbenben at 5:51 AM on December 14, 2014 [4 favorites]
When I burst out of a catsuit and told my boss who should get promoted, I figured excessive alcohol and work do's are a bad mix.
posted by tanktop at 6:25 AM on December 14, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by tanktop at 6:25 AM on December 14, 2014 [4 favorites]
I'm fairly certain no one noticed me dancing on him - my coworkers were surprised feigned surprise when I shared that with them.
Don't fool yourself, you, and your antics were almost assuredly the focal point of the night. As much as they like to overtly preach team in business culture, individual achievement is the ultimate goal of everyone you work with and if that entails throwing you under the bus to get ahead, so-called friends will not think twice about it. You are young and will most certainly be given a pass but learn the lesson that will serve you well the rest of your business life, 2 drinks max at the office party.
posted by any major dude at 8:00 AM on December 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
Don't fool yourself, you, and your antics were almost assuredly the focal point of the night. As much as they like to overtly preach team in business culture, individual achievement is the ultimate goal of everyone you work with and if that entails throwing you under the bus to get ahead, so-called friends will not think twice about it. You are young and will most certainly be given a pass but learn the lesson that will serve you well the rest of your business life, 2 drinks max at the office party.
posted by any major dude at 8:00 AM on December 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Maybe he could inspire you to be a better person. Someday you will meet someone just as awesome as he is, and you want to be ready to be a good partner to that future man. To do that, you'll probably also need to be kind, patient, compassionate, and strong. These are not easy qualities to achieve, but you can do it.
posted by amtho at 8:06 AM on December 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by amtho at 8:06 AM on December 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
I'd like to offer a 4th option: you need to take some time off of work and focus on a treatment plan with your new therapist so you get help for your anxiety, self loathing, and alcoholic behavior. Stop going to social events with your coworkers. Stop talking to them about yourself completely. Don't drink with them again. Make quitting this job and finding one that's significantly less toxic a priority along with your treatment. I agree that this situation isn't as terrible as it seems, but your behavior isn't healthy or responsible and hasn't been for some time. I bring up responsibility not because I think you should be ashamed of yourself (quite the opposite), but because you are not taking care of your mind, body, and heart in a way that is safe or long lasting. You deserve better, but I really, really doubt you will be able to make progress if you make work a priority instead of you getting the support you need.
posted by Hermione Granger at 8:30 AM on December 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Hermione Granger at 8:30 AM on December 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
If the guy was your friend, I think that next time you see him you have to apologize to him. It should be a drama-free, concise and honest apology and then yes... forget about your crush and focus on your health.
We all make terrible decisions every once in a while. Forgive yourself, but learn your lesson.
posted by divina_y_humilde at 8:55 AM on December 14, 2014
We all make terrible decisions every once in a while. Forgive yourself, but learn your lesson.
posted by divina_y_humilde at 8:55 AM on December 14, 2014
Nthing do not go to this upcoming internal work party/shin-dig. DON'T GO. You're really vulnerable right now, your anxiety will drive you to take a little drink, and that might lead to more drinking and maybe another event. You're really vulnerable right now, get the "stomach virus" that kinetic advises you to suddenly come down with, above.
Also, seek help for your anxiety, make an appointment to speak with to your doctor about possibly getting on an anti-anxiety medication like citalopram. You can start on a very low dose like 10mg and see how it goes. (IANYD etc.)
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 9:25 AM on December 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
Also, seek help for your anxiety, make an appointment to speak with to your doctor about possibly getting on an anti-anxiety medication like citalopram. You can start on a very low dose like 10mg and see how it goes. (IANYD etc.)
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 9:25 AM on December 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: You should also consider the very strong possibility that, at 22, you're not a completely mentally ill, irrevocable alcoholic; it may also be the case that you're a young woman who's absorbed a shit-ton of negative, harmful, very mixed messages about what exactly you're on this earth to do. It could be that you've bought the breathless, I'm so helplessly in LOOOOOVE with this AMAYZING GUY OMG narrative that many young women do because the culture feeds it to us by the shovel full, while at the same time expecting us to pull the reins on our own desire at the exact right moment, lest we be considered a little slutty at best, or mentally ill at worst.
I was your age once. Therapy is a good call but I can tell you that some of what you're feeling at this moment is caused by alcohol withdrawal and not by being crazy. If you're still pulling this kind of shit when you're on the other side of 25, then we'll talk about what's "wrong" with you but you could also consider the possibility that you're not grown up yet, you have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, and that part of growing into an adult is accepting responsibility for yourself after flailing around like a maniac for awhile.
And, practically speaking, get some friends outside of work and take up some hobbies that aren't centered around Drinking. Read. Listen to music. Take cooking classes. Invest in yourself. Stop putting random, flesh and blood men up on pedestals and get up there yourself and see what it feels like. Treat yourself and your life like the treasure you're waiting around for some guy to notice and validate by sexy dancing with you.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 10:05 AM on December 14, 2014 [13 favorites]
I was your age once. Therapy is a good call but I can tell you that some of what you're feeling at this moment is caused by alcohol withdrawal and not by being crazy. If you're still pulling this kind of shit when you're on the other side of 25, then we'll talk about what's "wrong" with you but you could also consider the possibility that you're not grown up yet, you have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, and that part of growing into an adult is accepting responsibility for yourself after flailing around like a maniac for awhile.
And, practically speaking, get some friends outside of work and take up some hobbies that aren't centered around Drinking. Read. Listen to music. Take cooking classes. Invest in yourself. Stop putting random, flesh and blood men up on pedestals and get up there yourself and see what it feels like. Treat yourself and your life like the treasure you're waiting around for some guy to notice and validate by sexy dancing with you.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 10:05 AM on December 14, 2014 [13 favorites]
I have made my first real friends in this company who have warned me against behavior like this because they themselves have been through it.
Remember this. Others have made a mistake and they're still at the company. This isn't a permanent, job-ending mistake.
I want to echo everyone talking about apologies and offering scripts: keep it short. A short, honest apology will help de-escalate tension. Launching into a 5 minute monologue about why it happened will not help. "I'm sorry about this weekend. It won't happen again."
I'm heartened to hear you're pursuing therapy.
posted by JackBurden at 10:59 AM on December 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
Remember this. Others have made a mistake and they're still at the company. This isn't a permanent, job-ending mistake.
I want to echo everyone talking about apologies and offering scripts: keep it short. A short, honest apology will help de-escalate tension. Launching into a 5 minute monologue about why it happened will not help. "I'm sorry about this weekend. It won't happen again."
I'm heartened to hear you're pursuing therapy.
posted by JackBurden at 10:59 AM on December 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
On the night of Fancy Xmas Party: arrange a treat for yourself, to be enjoyed instead of the party, or afterwards IF you leave the ball on time, Cinderella.
posted by feral_goldfish at 11:56 AM on December 14, 2014
posted by feral_goldfish at 11:56 AM on December 14, 2014
Best answer: The day my mom said to me "it's not their BUSINESS" was one of the greatest days of my life. The idea that my friends did not own the Objective Truth, that their busybody opinions about my heartbreaks were not the actual, real laws and rules I had to follow...wow. That was 20 years ago (when I was your age!) and I still look back on that day fondly.
Do everything kinetic said, but remember to do it for yourself. Not so that other people will think you've got your shit together. Your life isn't a movie they're watching, your life is your own subjective experience. Make that good.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 12:38 PM on December 14, 2014 [8 favorites]
Do everything kinetic said, but remember to do it for yourself. Not so that other people will think you've got your shit together. Your life isn't a movie they're watching, your life is your own subjective experience. Make that good.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 12:38 PM on December 14, 2014 [8 favorites]
Response by poster: I feel so, so crummy about making him uncomfortable. But I must be honest - I'm not sure he wants to hear an apology from me. I'd love to apologize, 'cause it'd make ME feel better, but he's already very very formal and aloof that throwing it out there would make him more uncomfortable, make things emotionally charged and it'd look like I was trying to get his attention.
I think there's a chance plenty of girls have done this to him in the past (I've even seen it, but its been friendlier rather than desperate and been reciprocated rather than not) as he's gorgeous, extremely kind, and just generally perfectly likeable. He's amazing. I think there's also a chance that he just plain doesn't care what I said or what I did because he doesn't actually like me. He might have thought it was annoying or frustrating or whatever, but I don't think he dwelled on it.
Looking back, I didn't try to make out with him or confess to him that I like him or something. I didn't really throw myself on him. I just was overwhelmed with the sexy, emotionally charged thoughts and alcohol. I hate hate hate that I did this. But I know I didn't mean any harm, or to hurt anyone.
I like the advice that I should learn from him to become someone deserving of someone so good.
I appreciate your thoughts so, so very much.
posted by rhythm_queen at 1:30 PM on December 14, 2014
I think there's a chance plenty of girls have done this to him in the past (I've even seen it, but its been friendlier rather than desperate and been reciprocated rather than not) as he's gorgeous, extremely kind, and just generally perfectly likeable. He's amazing. I think there's also a chance that he just plain doesn't care what I said or what I did because he doesn't actually like me. He might have thought it was annoying or frustrating or whatever, but I don't think he dwelled on it.
Looking back, I didn't try to make out with him or confess to him that I like him or something. I didn't really throw myself on him. I just was overwhelmed with the sexy, emotionally charged thoughts and alcohol. I hate hate hate that I did this. But I know I didn't mean any harm, or to hurt anyone.
I like the advice that I should learn from him to become someone deserving of someone so good.
I appreciate your thoughts so, so very much.
posted by rhythm_queen at 1:30 PM on December 14, 2014
I like the advice that I should learn from him to become someone deserving of someone so good.
You already deserve someone good. You're a good person and your obsession, drinking too much at times, anxiety, and other issues are NOT YOUR FAULT. Do you know how many good people are involved with other good people who have some issues? TONS.
If anyone says or implies that any of this is your fault or you're a lesser person for any of it, get the hell away from them if possible or just don't share anything too deep with them. Just come on back here where most people are glad to listen and offer some sound advice. Keep working with your therapist and communicate with him/her as openly and honestly as you can. You're in my thoughts.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 2:20 PM on December 14, 2014 [9 favorites]
You already deserve someone good. You're a good person and your obsession, drinking too much at times, anxiety, and other issues are NOT YOUR FAULT. Do you know how many good people are involved with other good people who have some issues? TONS.
If anyone says or implies that any of this is your fault or you're a lesser person for any of it, get the hell away from them if possible or just don't share anything too deep with them. Just come on back here where most people are glad to listen and offer some sound advice. Keep working with your therapist and communicate with him/her as openly and honestly as you can. You're in my thoughts.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 2:20 PM on December 14, 2014 [9 favorites]
You are already worthy, you just aren't treating yourself like you are.
posted by Hermione Granger at 3:03 PM on December 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by Hermione Granger at 3:03 PM on December 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
Because most workplace environments are not like this, at all.
Well, according to many of my English friends, the drinking with co-workers thing is almost entirely different to that in the U.S., particularly in high-paced jobs. It's one of the reasons several of them prefer working in the U.S. I don't know the O.P.'s location but if it is not the States then things could be quite different.
rhythm_queen, I don't think you fucked up irretrievably. I think you need to remember that your co-workers are co-workers first and foremost. Work on making some friends outside your place of employment so you don't have to worry about this kind of thing biting you in the ass. Learn to cultivate a bit of detachment- that's what sensitive, intelligent, awkward people do to get by when they feel like things are intense and out of control. You'll be okay, I promise.
posted by oneirodynia at 5:24 PM on December 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
Well, according to many of my English friends, the drinking with co-workers thing is almost entirely different to that in the U.S., particularly in high-paced jobs. It's one of the reasons several of them prefer working in the U.S. I don't know the O.P.'s location but if it is not the States then things could be quite different.
rhythm_queen, I don't think you fucked up irretrievably. I think you need to remember that your co-workers are co-workers first and foremost. Work on making some friends outside your place of employment so you don't have to worry about this kind of thing biting you in the ass. Learn to cultivate a bit of detachment- that's what sensitive, intelligent, awkward people do to get by when they feel like things are intense and out of control. You'll be okay, I promise.
posted by oneirodynia at 5:24 PM on December 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
Another bit of advice about workplace crushes. When it comes to this sort of thing, you have two choices: someone who is in your "league", or someone you would never ever in a zillion years actually come on to.
I work for a network TV show you've probably heard of. There's a cast of dreamboat gorgeous (and famous!) actors, and on top of those guys, we've got a team of hunky and ripped stunt performers, charismatic directors and producers, adorable costume and makeup and hair folks, cute assistants, and, frankly, yeah, it goes all the way down. Our security guy is hot. The accountants lift, bro.
But I am not in a gajillion years ever going to grind up on any of those folks at the company party. Because there is no way any of those people would ever be interested in me. And most of them have partners or spouses, anyway. Some of whom also work on our show, or who work elsewhere in the entertainment industry and who I wouldn't want to make enemies of.
I have my two or three little workplace crushes, and they stay secret. Maybe I move faster when they need something, or there's a glint in my eye when they talk to me. But I know those folks are out of my league and it's never going to happen.
On the off chance that I met some other schlub like me, and we hit it off, sure. What's the worst that could happen, a little awkwardness Monday morning?
But the hot guy everybody at work thinks is dreamy? Nope. Stay far, far away. I think about those folks on the level that I think about celebrity crushes or that one professor back in college.
posted by Sara C. at 7:48 PM on December 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
I work for a network TV show you've probably heard of. There's a cast of dreamboat gorgeous (and famous!) actors, and on top of those guys, we've got a team of hunky and ripped stunt performers, charismatic directors and producers, adorable costume and makeup and hair folks, cute assistants, and, frankly, yeah, it goes all the way down. Our security guy is hot. The accountants lift, bro.
But I am not in a gajillion years ever going to grind up on any of those folks at the company party. Because there is no way any of those people would ever be interested in me. And most of them have partners or spouses, anyway. Some of whom also work on our show, or who work elsewhere in the entertainment industry and who I wouldn't want to make enemies of.
I have my two or three little workplace crushes, and they stay secret. Maybe I move faster when they need something, or there's a glint in my eye when they talk to me. But I know those folks are out of my league and it's never going to happen.
On the off chance that I met some other schlub like me, and we hit it off, sure. What's the worst that could happen, a little awkwardness Monday morning?
But the hot guy everybody at work thinks is dreamy? Nope. Stay far, far away. I think about those folks on the level that I think about celebrity crushes or that one professor back in college.
posted by Sara C. at 7:48 PM on December 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: As a real mom but for the purposes of this AskMe your faux-mom, you need to stop this line of thinking RIGHT NOW, young lady:
I like the advice that I should learn from him to become someone deserving of someone so good.
Listen, you already deserve someone good. We all deserve goodness in our lives.
But this guy at work? You don't know him and you're thinking about him WAY too much than is good for your professional career (and your liver). You don't know if he snarls in traffic or gets snippy with slower-moving pedestrians on the sidewalk or tsks at gay men or makes rude remarks about transgendered people or is a filthy sloth at home or is hostile to GIrl Scouts selling cookies or has a severe porn addiction or is short-tempered with wait staff or lies to people around him or kicks puppies.
I mean, listen...you don't know this guy at all. He's a dude you work with. Take him off that pedestal.
A gigantic part of your problem came from drinking way too much but it also came from this warped perception that this guy at work is some mythical Mr. Darcy who embodies ALL THE GOOD THINGS and has this mythical aura where many women at work have behaved foolishly before him and maybe some day you'll be lucky enough to be worthy of.
That's CRAZY talk. He's just some guy that you don't really know. Stop thinking of him as a golden idol, go and take a class or volunteer and meet other people.
And yeah, you should apologize to him because you work with these people and you want to wrap up this episode professionally. You had a bad reaction to alcohol, you behaved badly and you're sorry. It won't happen again.
And really, he's just a guy.
posted by kinetic at 2:42 AM on December 15, 2014 [8 favorites]
I like the advice that I should learn from him to become someone deserving of someone so good.
Listen, you already deserve someone good. We all deserve goodness in our lives.
But this guy at work? You don't know him and you're thinking about him WAY too much than is good for your professional career (and your liver). You don't know if he snarls in traffic or gets snippy with slower-moving pedestrians on the sidewalk or tsks at gay men or makes rude remarks about transgendered people or is a filthy sloth at home or is hostile to GIrl Scouts selling cookies or has a severe porn addiction or is short-tempered with wait staff or lies to people around him or kicks puppies.
I mean, listen...you don't know this guy at all. He's a dude you work with. Take him off that pedestal.
A gigantic part of your problem came from drinking way too much but it also came from this warped perception that this guy at work is some mythical Mr. Darcy who embodies ALL THE GOOD THINGS and has this mythical aura where many women at work have behaved foolishly before him and maybe some day you'll be lucky enough to be worthy of.
That's CRAZY talk. He's just some guy that you don't really know. Stop thinking of him as a golden idol, go and take a class or volunteer and meet other people.
And yeah, you should apologize to him because you work with these people and you want to wrap up this episode professionally. You had a bad reaction to alcohol, you behaved badly and you're sorry. It won't happen again.
And really, he's just a guy.
posted by kinetic at 2:42 AM on December 15, 2014 [8 favorites]
Ok, so i'm kinda like you. i go out to things like this, get too drunk, and embarrass myself occasionally.
The main two things i have to say, without any further philosophizing on whether you have a real problem or need to stop drinking or that it's not helping you or whatever(which i'm not dismissing, just not engaging right at this moment) are.
1. You didn't total his car, or assault him, or whatever. You guys went out to a club and you danced on him a little bit and he wasn't in to it and you then you moved on. You didn't create some huge scene and scream at him for rejecting you or something. The reason i bring this up is that other people in the situation like your mom and coworkers seem to be acting like you did do something that bad, and you seem to be internalizing it as if you really did. Hell, some of that even carried over to here.
2. The main component of what makes this bad is that it's your coworkers. I love going out and drinking with my friends. Sometimes we go out to the club where blabla friend works or is djing and get too drunk and do stupid shit. The thing is, we're all friends with eachother and we're all idiots and it's always "lol can you believe emptythought was tickling your feet last night?" or whatever and everyone laughs about it and moves on because they probably did something stupid too a couple weeks ago.
But, what makes this actually A Thing, and not really for the reasons you're being shamed for it by those assholes, is that you work with this person. If this was just some random friend of a friend, nothing you did would be a big deal, and it probably would have totally blown over within a couple weeks. It wouldn't be something askme worthy to reflect on, honestly. Maybe some brief introspection of "wow i regret acting that way that was not how i am/want to be". It's that you brought the honestly, pretty normal for being 22 drunken bullshit in to a work environment.
My work also has one of these christmas parties. The very first year i went i was fucking shocked at how incredibly hammered all these people older than me, and people who while not my direct supervisors kind of outranked me, and whatever were getting. The second year i was 21, and they were like "oh yea here you go here's drink tickets and you can get more if you want and blabla go for it emptythought!". I had one drink, gave the other one to my girlfriend, made some appropriate conversational noises, made a socially acceptable excuse and various noises about work the next day and went home.
I've done that every year since.
I regret nothing. It's absolutely the right thing to do. Learn the art of sipping on the same drink for like a half hour. If it's a stocked bar type of party with a bartender, order like a sidecar or a manhattan or something that doesn't have ice in it and looks appropriately classy and just work on it forever. Leave like 5 minutes after it's done.
I bet if you look around, you'll notice other workplace-culture-adept people doing this. If it really is basically everyone getting butthoused drunk and being stupid, then you probably work at somewhere that's uh... weird. If your coworkers hadn't said that dumb shit to you, i'd say maybe it was just a culture of being drunk and stupid. But Yea, if it's the second situation, you need a different job.
Oh yea, and shit, i forgot, NEVER TALK ABOUT ANY OF THIS AGAIN DO NOT BRING IT UP DO NOT APOLOGIZE TO ANYONE. It didn't happen. He was trying to give you the open to play that. Anyone who isn't him who brings it up at this point is a fucking asshole and should be ignored. I think the ship has sailed to just offer an offhanded "hey, sorry about that" now that this has become a Dumb Gossip Thing. Do not engage.
But really though, don't be too hard on yourself about this. The work thing sort of gives it a boost, but it's not like he's your boss. And really, as far as stupid drunken crap any number of people i knew did at your age this is like... maybe a 4/10. You've gotten some good advice here, but don't go overboard with hating yourself and know that the people who flipped out on you about this that you've mentioned seriously are being fucks and are out of line.
also wow for fucks sake everything TryTheTilapia said.
posted by emptythought at 4:45 AM on December 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
The main two things i have to say, without any further philosophizing on whether you have a real problem or need to stop drinking or that it's not helping you or whatever(which i'm not dismissing, just not engaging right at this moment) are.
1. You didn't total his car, or assault him, or whatever. You guys went out to a club and you danced on him a little bit and he wasn't in to it and you then you moved on. You didn't create some huge scene and scream at him for rejecting you or something. The reason i bring this up is that other people in the situation like your mom and coworkers seem to be acting like you did do something that bad, and you seem to be internalizing it as if you really did. Hell, some of that even carried over to here.
2. The main component of what makes this bad is that it's your coworkers. I love going out and drinking with my friends. Sometimes we go out to the club where blabla friend works or is djing and get too drunk and do stupid shit. The thing is, we're all friends with eachother and we're all idiots and it's always "lol can you believe emptythought was tickling your feet last night?" or whatever and everyone laughs about it and moves on because they probably did something stupid too a couple weeks ago.
But, what makes this actually A Thing, and not really for the reasons you're being shamed for it by those assholes, is that you work with this person. If this was just some random friend of a friend, nothing you did would be a big deal, and it probably would have totally blown over within a couple weeks. It wouldn't be something askme worthy to reflect on, honestly. Maybe some brief introspection of "wow i regret acting that way that was not how i am/want to be". It's that you brought the honestly, pretty normal for being 22 drunken bullshit in to a work environment.
My work also has one of these christmas parties. The very first year i went i was fucking shocked at how incredibly hammered all these people older than me, and people who while not my direct supervisors kind of outranked me, and whatever were getting. The second year i was 21, and they were like "oh yea here you go here's drink tickets and you can get more if you want and blabla go for it emptythought!". I had one drink, gave the other one to my girlfriend, made some appropriate conversational noises, made a socially acceptable excuse and various noises about work the next day and went home.
I've done that every year since.
I regret nothing. It's absolutely the right thing to do. Learn the art of sipping on the same drink for like a half hour. If it's a stocked bar type of party with a bartender, order like a sidecar or a manhattan or something that doesn't have ice in it and looks appropriately classy and just work on it forever. Leave like 5 minutes after it's done.
I bet if you look around, you'll notice other workplace-culture-adept people doing this. If it really is basically everyone getting butthoused drunk and being stupid, then you probably work at somewhere that's uh... weird. If your coworkers hadn't said that dumb shit to you, i'd say maybe it was just a culture of being drunk and stupid. But Yea, if it's the second situation, you need a different job.
Oh yea, and shit, i forgot, NEVER TALK ABOUT ANY OF THIS AGAIN DO NOT BRING IT UP DO NOT APOLOGIZE TO ANYONE. It didn't happen. He was trying to give you the open to play that. Anyone who isn't him who brings it up at this point is a fucking asshole and should be ignored. I think the ship has sailed to just offer an offhanded "hey, sorry about that" now that this has become a Dumb Gossip Thing. Do not engage.
But really though, don't be too hard on yourself about this. The work thing sort of gives it a boost, but it's not like he's your boss. And really, as far as stupid drunken crap any number of people i knew did at your age this is like... maybe a 4/10. You've gotten some good advice here, but don't go overboard with hating yourself and know that the people who flipped out on you about this that you've mentioned seriously are being fucks and are out of line.
also wow for fucks sake everything TryTheTilapia said.
posted by emptythought at 4:45 AM on December 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
I totally understand the "don't go to the party" advice but I think this really depends on the office politics. At some places it might be just fine not to go. At other places it is considered a work event even if attendance isn't officially mandatory and it would be considered a faux pas or even a real slight not to attend and could have a real, negative impact on your continued growth at the company. But if you do need to go, absolutely do not drink. You can search Ask for the many questions on how to not drink alcohol at social events.
And it's being glossed over here, but your inappropriate touching is very serious; even if done non-sexually, some people don't even like a friendly hug. If for no other reason, you don't ever want HR to step in because you're causing someone discomfort. As for this guy, I would not make any assumptions about how he feels about your actions or any of the other attention he gets from other co-workers. I think it's very perceptive that you think an apology might really be for your benefit and I'm really not sure if it's a good idea.
You're obviously a very smart young woman. If it's any help, I spent most of my 20s as a high-functioning fuck-up (doing stupid shit worse than this) and I grew out of it.
posted by Room 641-A at 5:41 AM on December 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
And it's being glossed over here, but your inappropriate touching is very serious; even if done non-sexually, some people don't even like a friendly hug. If for no other reason, you don't ever want HR to step in because you're causing someone discomfort. As for this guy, I would not make any assumptions about how he feels about your actions or any of the other attention he gets from other co-workers. I think it's very perceptive that you think an apology might really be for your benefit and I'm really not sure if it's a good idea.
You're obviously a very smart young woman. If it's any help, I spent most of my 20s as a high-functioning fuck-up (doing stupid shit worse than this) and I grew out of it.
posted by Room 641-A at 5:41 AM on December 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
Oh, and if you are on any medications this could greatly impact how alcohol affects you. Leave the alcohol, take the meds!
posted by Room 641-A at 5:44 AM on December 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Room 641-A at 5:44 AM on December 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
Oh gosh, guess what? I just did the exact same thing. It's awful and if you're feeling anything like me it leads to all sorts of horrid feelings of self-loathing. But as soon as those feelings started to creep up I put a stop to them! Because it won't help.
I did apologise. He graciously accepted. Considering he is a friend who I care about I really had no other choice. It felt a little awkward for a few hours but after that we were more or less back to normal. If you genuinely feel you did wrong and made him feel uncomfortable then I would apologise. Some of my co-workers are loving the gossip but I'm sure it will die down soon enough. First time I ever got drunk at an office night out - lesson learned!
posted by Kat_Dubs at 12:18 PM on December 15, 2014
I did apologise. He graciously accepted. Considering he is a friend who I care about I really had no other choice. It felt a little awkward for a few hours but after that we were more or less back to normal. If you genuinely feel you did wrong and made him feel uncomfortable then I would apologise. Some of my co-workers are loving the gossip but I'm sure it will die down soon enough. First time I ever got drunk at an office night out - lesson learned!
posted by Kat_Dubs at 12:18 PM on December 15, 2014
I think you should be proud of yourself for making moves on your crush, that's hard to do for people with anxiety. And while your methods may have been alcohol-fueled they actually sound efficient, guys can be obtuse and getting physical or relying messages through friends seem like fast ways to find out if things are mutual.
posted by inezelvira at 12:31 AM on December 29, 2014
posted by inezelvira at 12:31 AM on December 29, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by rr at 7:47 PM on December 13, 2014 [64 favorites]