Do I have to?
December 10, 2014 1:43 PM Subscribe
I'm a month-plus into an ambiguous breakup/break/whatever situation, it's freezing cold where I am, I'm broke, and staring down the end of the workday. Is it really so bad to just go home and read a novel until bedtime? Or should I push myself to go to a yoga class or something?
I'm being treated for depression, so I'm wary of giving in to impulses like what I'm currently feeling--where I just want to go home, not talk to anyone, have a glass of wine, and read a book. Like I should be (per my own frequent advice on breakups!) making plans with friends, working out, doing something out of the house or at least as part of a project. But...I don't feel like it.
How do you tell the difference between taking a day (or a week) to hibernate/chill/decompress vs. impulses of depression and inertia? Do you have to? Do I have to? I know nobody has to do anything; what I'm really asking is whether this seems unhealthily indulgent and lazy. Thanks in advance.
I'm being treated for depression, so I'm wary of giving in to impulses like what I'm currently feeling--where I just want to go home, not talk to anyone, have a glass of wine, and read a book. Like I should be (per my own frequent advice on breakups!) making plans with friends, working out, doing something out of the house or at least as part of a project. But...I don't feel like it.
How do you tell the difference between taking a day (or a week) to hibernate/chill/decompress vs. impulses of depression and inertia? Do you have to? Do I have to? I know nobody has to do anything; what I'm really asking is whether this seems unhealthily indulgent and lazy. Thanks in advance.
If you haven't let yourself wallow yet, tonight seems like a good night to do so. That doesn't sound lazy or symptomatic of depression at all. If you find yourself not enjoying ANYTHING you can start to worry.
posted by oinopaponton at 1:48 PM on December 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by oinopaponton at 1:48 PM on December 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
I think it's fine. The big thing is being present and aware of how you're feeling. You already know that too much sitting around alone too much could be an issue.
On the flipside, I've known some very nice folks who have multiple social engagements every single day. My impression is that they're running from something, not leading a healthy, active life.
posted by cnc at 1:48 PM on December 10, 2014 [12 favorites]
On the flipside, I've known some very nice folks who have multiple social engagements every single day. My impression is that they're running from something, not leading a healthy, active life.
posted by cnc at 1:48 PM on December 10, 2014 [12 favorites]
It's ok to rest. Having an intense or prolonged emotional experience is actually physically tiring. Healing, even emotionally healing, takes energy.
Take some time to rest, and if you're still feeling this way in, say, a month, or if it's starting to affect your livelihood, then you can worry about whether or not you're developing an unhealthy routine.
posted by eustacescrubb at 1:49 PM on December 10, 2014 [4 favorites]
Take some time to rest, and if you're still feeling this way in, say, a month, or if it's starting to affect your livelihood, then you can worry about whether or not you're developing an unhealthy routine.
posted by eustacescrubb at 1:49 PM on December 10, 2014 [4 favorites]
Having a desire to just read and have a glass of wine until bedtime sounds like a fine thing.
To my mind, having a concrete desire is a good sign. The signs of depression and/or inertia would be more wanting to just not do anything, disengaging and dissociating from all activities
posted by RainyJay at 1:51 PM on December 10, 2014 [17 favorites]
To my mind, having a concrete desire is a good sign. The signs of depression and/or inertia would be more wanting to just not do anything, disengaging and dissociating from all activities
posted by RainyJay at 1:51 PM on December 10, 2014 [17 favorites]
A key thing to ask yourself after you go home and do this is if it improved your mental/physical state. For some people, that sort of chill/decompression time is great and recharges them to go out and do things. For others, it can make the unhappiness worse. Only you know what works best for you, but it's probably helpful to reflect on this afterwords to help inform whether this is something you should do again.
posted by Betelgeuse at 1:52 PM on December 10, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by Betelgeuse at 1:52 PM on December 10, 2014 [4 favorites]
I would skip the wine if you're dealing with depression, but otherwise that sounds fine to me.
posted by Perodicticus potto at 1:53 PM on December 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Perodicticus potto at 1:53 PM on December 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
I once read an interview with Matthew McConaughey.
He's talking about running and how he hates running but loves having run. For him, the main thing was getting up and putting on his running shoes. Once the shoes were on and tied, well, he HAD to go for the run, didn't he?
Sometimes, you need to pick up the phone and call a friend and meet for lunch.
Sometimes, you need to grab your yoga mat at the last minute and go grab a class.
Sometimes you need to tie your sneakers and go for a run. Or a walk.
Sometimes you need to open a book and read until dawn.
Focus on taking the small actions, rather than endless navel gazing as to whether or not you should take the action.
posted by John Kennedy Toole Box at 1:53 PM on December 10, 2014 [5 favorites]
He's talking about running and how he hates running but loves having run. For him, the main thing was getting up and putting on his running shoes. Once the shoes were on and tied, well, he HAD to go for the run, didn't he?
Sometimes, you need to pick up the phone and call a friend and meet for lunch.
Sometimes, you need to grab your yoga mat at the last minute and go grab a class.
Sometimes you need to tie your sneakers and go for a run. Or a walk.
Sometimes you need to open a book and read until dawn.
Focus on taking the small actions, rather than endless navel gazing as to whether or not you should take the action.
posted by John Kennedy Toole Box at 1:53 PM on December 10, 2014 [5 favorites]
It's okay to rest and to wallow. It's okay to drink wine and read books.
One of the key things I tend to try to keep in mind when making these choices is: "Am I choosing to stay home, read books and drink wine because I enjoy doing those things and right now they are what I would like to do? Or am I choosing to do them in order to avoid doing other things?"
It may be hard to answer that question honestly, but I usually find I can tell the difference between 'man, my wine cardigan and a trashy novel are calling my name tonight' and 'don't wanna go to yoga, stay home, internets, blaaaah'.
posted by jacquilynne at 1:54 PM on December 10, 2014 [8 favorites]
One of the key things I tend to try to keep in mind when making these choices is: "Am I choosing to stay home, read books and drink wine because I enjoy doing those things and right now they are what I would like to do? Or am I choosing to do them in order to avoid doing other things?"
It may be hard to answer that question honestly, but I usually find I can tell the difference between 'man, my wine cardigan and a trashy novel are calling my name tonight' and 'don't wanna go to yoga, stay home, internets, blaaaah'.
posted by jacquilynne at 1:54 PM on December 10, 2014 [8 favorites]
Is it really so bad to just go home and read a novel until bedtime? Or should I push myself to go to a yoga class or something?
I thought that was going to say something like Is it really so bad to just go home and call him one last time, for one last hook up, before I DTMF for good?
So, count yourself as ahead of me and feel free to read.
posted by Michele in California at 1:55 PM on December 10, 2014 [6 favorites]
I thought that was going to say something like Is it really so bad to just go home and call him one last time, for one last hook up, before I DTMF for good?
So, count yourself as ahead of me and feel free to read.
posted by Michele in California at 1:55 PM on December 10, 2014 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: Michele in California, ha ha ha well...that too. But that's another question for another day. I've accepted a certain ambiguity for now, which could be part of the malaise.
posted by magdalemon at 2:01 PM on December 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by magdalemon at 2:01 PM on December 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
To my mind, having a concrete desire is a good sign. The signs of depression and/or inertia would be more wanting to just not do anything, disengaging and dissociating from all activities
Agreed. What you need to do is be good to yourself. Curling up with a book is a comfort for you. There's nothing wrong with seeking a comfort, and there's nothing wrong with it being comforting just because it doesn't involve being out and about or interacting with other people.
posted by mudpuppie at 2:05 PM on December 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
Agreed. What you need to do is be good to yourself. Curling up with a book is a comfort for you. There's nothing wrong with seeking a comfort, and there's nothing wrong with it being comforting just because it doesn't involve being out and about or interacting with other people.
posted by mudpuppie at 2:05 PM on December 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
You know, there's time to do both.
Exercise always helps with depression. If you normally enjoy your yogi class, then go. Alternatively, you could go home and do 20 minutes of yogi stretches while thinking positive things. Then, eat something yummy, relax, and read your book. Read it in a hot bath if that's your thing, or take it to bed with you and get cozy.
If it just seems to be too much, then you have my permission to just hide out under the covers and read.
Lord knows, I do enough of it this time of year!!
posted by BlueHorse at 2:12 PM on December 10, 2014
Exercise always helps with depression. If you normally enjoy your yogi class, then go. Alternatively, you could go home and do 20 minutes of yogi stretches while thinking positive things. Then, eat something yummy, relax, and read your book. Read it in a hot bath if that's your thing, or take it to bed with you and get cozy.
If it just seems to be too much, then you have my permission to just hide out under the covers and read.
Lord knows, I do enough of it this time of year!!
posted by BlueHorse at 2:12 PM on December 10, 2014
This is a dangerous question for me to be considering at this exact moment, because literally five minutes ago I asked myself "hmm, should I blow off going to the gym like I was planning, because I think I've got a cold coming on? Or should I suck it up?"
I also understand the fear you have, though, about how you fall into the trap of giving into these "oh, I'll blow it off just this once" impulses too much. I did that too for a while.
However - and I'm using myself as an example here - I think the difference in this case is, I absolutely totally know for sure that I'll definitely be going to the gym this weekend no matter what. This just....FEELS different from my old "oh, I'll just blow it off" habit, it feels like more of a "no, I think I legit do need to take it easy for now to win in the long term" kind of thing. So I think I'm going to blow off the gym - I've got a couple of busy nights the next couple weeks, and if I am getting a cold I'm gonna want an easy night at SOME point this week.
So I would say that IF you trust yourself to bounce back later in the week, and IF you're pretty confident that you'll go next week, then yes, it's just fine to go home and chill tonight. And I will too.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:26 PM on December 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
I also understand the fear you have, though, about how you fall into the trap of giving into these "oh, I'll blow it off just this once" impulses too much. I did that too for a while.
However - and I'm using myself as an example here - I think the difference in this case is, I absolutely totally know for sure that I'll definitely be going to the gym this weekend no matter what. This just....FEELS different from my old "oh, I'll just blow it off" habit, it feels like more of a "no, I think I legit do need to take it easy for now to win in the long term" kind of thing. So I think I'm going to blow off the gym - I've got a couple of busy nights the next couple weeks, and if I am getting a cold I'm gonna want an easy night at SOME point this week.
So I would say that IF you trust yourself to bounce back later in the week, and IF you're pretty confident that you'll go next week, then yes, it's just fine to go home and chill tonight. And I will too.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:26 PM on December 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
My personal rule of thumb: if it's been three nights in a row where I don't want to do anything but hibernate, I'm at risk for a stint in the Pit of Despair. YMMV, but for only one night? I wouldn't sweat it.
posted by culfinglin at 2:54 PM on December 10, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by culfinglin at 2:54 PM on December 10, 2014 [4 favorites]
How do you tell the difference between taking a day (or a week) to hibernate/chill/decompress vs. impulses of depression and inertia?
Generally, I ask myself, "Am I doing this because I want to do it, or because I am avoiding my feelings?" If I am doing something just to avoid my feelings, I might still do it, but I try to at least mentally note that I'm avoiding myself and pay attention to whether it starts turning into a pattern.
Going out with friends, working out, and making plans can also be ways of avoiding feelings, by the way. I don't think any non-self-harming (or non-other-harming) coping mechanism is automatically healthier than another; it's more about the intention, most of the time ("I am doing this to take care of myself" vs. "I am a horrible worthless person if I don't do this").
posted by jaguar at 2:55 PM on December 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
Generally, I ask myself, "Am I doing this because I want to do it, or because I am avoiding my feelings?" If I am doing something just to avoid my feelings, I might still do it, but I try to at least mentally note that I'm avoiding myself and pay attention to whether it starts turning into a pattern.
Going out with friends, working out, and making plans can also be ways of avoiding feelings, by the way. I don't think any non-self-harming (or non-other-harming) coping mechanism is automatically healthier than another; it's more about the intention, most of the time ("I am doing this to take care of myself" vs. "I am a horrible worthless person if I don't do this").
posted by jaguar at 2:55 PM on December 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
How about a book and some hot chocolate? Baby, it's cold outside.
See how you feel tomorrow?
posted by alwayson_slightlyoff at 3:10 PM on December 10, 2014
See how you feel tomorrow?
posted by alwayson_slightlyoff at 3:10 PM on December 10, 2014
Ermahgerd! That describes half the nights of my single life!
Being able to go home, change into jammies, eat a bowl of cereal for dinner and spend the rest of the night with novels I'm embarrassed to admit to was my normal.
I'd see friends occasionally for happy hour, or go to class on alternate weekends and hang out for dinner on Sunday evening (pizza and X-Files) and that's just how it went.
You are doing FINE! As long as you're not drinking a bottle of wine and reading old texts from him, you're WAY ahead of the curve.
Happy reading!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 3:21 PM on December 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
Being able to go home, change into jammies, eat a bowl of cereal for dinner and spend the rest of the night with novels I'm embarrassed to admit to was my normal.
I'd see friends occasionally for happy hour, or go to class on alternate weekends and hang out for dinner on Sunday evening (pizza and X-Files) and that's just how it went.
You are doing FINE! As long as you're not drinking a bottle of wine and reading old texts from him, you're WAY ahead of the curve.
Happy reading!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 3:21 PM on December 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
That sounds like a great night to me!
Post breakup, following the advice of staying active, getting out, making plans with friends, etc., etc. is great, although one of the best things about being single is being able to have the kind of evening you're describing. I think enjoying alone time (provided you are actually enjoying it) after a breakup is a good thing.
Besides, having a desire to have a nice cozy night at home and hiding at home as a way of avoiding something else are two completely different things, and it sounds like you are aware of the difference.
Stay home, stay warm, and enjoy your book. We all need some chill time.
posted by ap_classic at 4:50 PM on December 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
Post breakup, following the advice of staying active, getting out, making plans with friends, etc., etc. is great, although one of the best things about being single is being able to have the kind of evening you're describing. I think enjoying alone time (provided you are actually enjoying it) after a breakup is a good thing.
Besides, having a desire to have a nice cozy night at home and hiding at home as a way of avoiding something else are two completely different things, and it sounds like you are aware of the difference.
Stay home, stay warm, and enjoy your book. We all need some chill time.
posted by ap_classic at 4:50 PM on December 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
Agree that exercise is good, especially in the short daylight of winter. Can you get a walk in during lunch tomorrow?
Curling up with a book gives you some mental exercise, is free, and is generally a good idea.
posted by theora55 at 7:31 PM on December 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
Curling up with a book gives you some mental exercise, is free, and is generally a good idea.
posted by theora55 at 7:31 PM on December 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
it may help you feel better about it if you made a point to take a particular joy and care in the way it's done. Have a glass of the best wine, in your most beautiful glass. light some candles, burn some incense, get a few wonderful little chocolates to nibble, put on your comfiest bedwear and use the fuzziest blanket. Go on a date with that book! take it into a bubble bath! make it a special night.
damn I wish I could go home and do that right now.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 7:55 PM on December 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
damn I wish I could go home and do that right now.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 7:55 PM on December 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
No matter what, I feel better after working out.
I've never been on my way home from the gym and thought "damn, I'm sorry I did that."
I've many times not even tried to go and then felt worse about whatever was making me feel like not wanting to go in the first place.
Half the time when I'm tired or feeling like shit, the feeling passes after 10 minutes on the treadmill or 4 sets of bench presses
The other half the time I still feel like shit after 15 minutes, and quit and go back home.
Either way, I know I did what I could.
posted by BadgerDoctor at 9:04 PM on December 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
I've never been on my way home from the gym and thought "damn, I'm sorry I did that."
I've many times not even tried to go and then felt worse about whatever was making me feel like not wanting to go in the first place.
Half the time when I'm tired or feeling like shit, the feeling passes after 10 minutes on the treadmill or 4 sets of bench presses
The other half the time I still feel like shit after 15 minutes, and quit and go back home.
Either way, I know I did what I could.
posted by BadgerDoctor at 9:04 PM on December 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
One night, no worries, but if you're asking, maybe you've already had a few nights like that? It can for sure be a slippery slope if you don't watch yourself, and then you somehow find yourself in a place where seeing people is the weird thing, and you forget how to talk to them, and you've lost perspective, and things feel very dark indeed. I would tick off frequencies for things you know will help (e.g. exercise: must do 3x/wk; hang out with friends, 1-2x/wk - can't stay in two weekends in a row; cook real food 4/7 nights, even if it's basic, etc).
posted by cotton dress sock at 3:05 AM on December 11, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by cotton dress sock at 3:05 AM on December 11, 2014 [4 favorites]
In general, don't resist the shitty feelings when they come, but don't dwell with them either. Feel as bad as you need to feel and then go do something else.
posted by deathpanels at 4:35 AM on December 11, 2014
posted by deathpanels at 4:35 AM on December 11, 2014
My answer was exactly what jabes said first. :)
Now, if you were asking almost the same, except it was "stare at the TV" instead of read a book, I'd answer differently.
posted by stormyteal at 4:44 PM on December 12, 2014
Now, if you were asking almost the same, except it was "stare at the TV" instead of read a book, I'd answer differently.
posted by stormyteal at 4:44 PM on December 12, 2014
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