How to help her get back on her feet.
October 30, 2014 7:26 AM
She would dump the two-timing jerk, but then she'd be out on the street. Help.
Asking for a friend. I'm trying to come up with a plan to get her back on her feet. I know you're not giving legal advice.
Let's call them Johnny and Mary. This is in New York state. They've been in a relationship (not married, although everyone assumes they are) for 23 years, living in the same house for 15 years. The house is in his name, and he's the one who has always paid the mortgage. She bought the food, paid for entertainment, and bought furnishings and repairs for the house.
Now they're splitting up in a messy breakup - Johnny's got a new girlfriend on the side and it appears he wants to break up with Mary. Or he might just be having a midlife crisis, but wow, it's a doozy.
Mary would leave, but she'll be absolutely penniless, starting over again at 60 years old. She has no savings, no IRA. She's self-employed but it doesn't pay a lot, and she has a fairly hefty car payment (she needs the car for the job.)
I see the first steps to be: (1) make an itemized budget to figure out exactly how much money she has and (2) talk to a lawyer.
I'm looking for resources for her - advice, anecdotes, places to find inexpensive legal advice, displaced homemaker counseling and any other ideas I'm overlooking that could help her. Thanks.
Asking for a friend. I'm trying to come up with a plan to get her back on her feet. I know you're not giving legal advice.
Let's call them Johnny and Mary. This is in New York state. They've been in a relationship (not married, although everyone assumes they are) for 23 years, living in the same house for 15 years. The house is in his name, and he's the one who has always paid the mortgage. She bought the food, paid for entertainment, and bought furnishings and repairs for the house.
Now they're splitting up in a messy breakup - Johnny's got a new girlfriend on the side and it appears he wants to break up with Mary. Or he might just be having a midlife crisis, but wow, it's a doozy.
Mary would leave, but she'll be absolutely penniless, starting over again at 60 years old. She has no savings, no IRA. She's self-employed but it doesn't pay a lot, and she has a fairly hefty car payment (she needs the car for the job.)
I see the first steps to be: (1) make an itemized budget to figure out exactly how much money she has and (2) talk to a lawyer.
I'm looking for resources for her - advice, anecdotes, places to find inexpensive legal advice, displaced homemaker counseling and any other ideas I'm overlooking that could help her. Thanks.
Re: Amaire's comment, New York does not have common-law marriages.
posted by justkevin at 8:02 AM on October 30, 2014
posted by justkevin at 8:02 AM on October 30, 2014
Lawyer up. She may be entitled to assets, not sure how commonlaw marriage works in the US but I was under the impression NY state didn't recognize them, but might recognise commonlaw marriages from other states. I am not a lawyer I just read some shit on the internet that stuck in my brain. Even without that there may be other things she could do so it would be worth at least a visit to a good lawyer to find out.
Budgeting would be important. Would be be entitled to food stamps/EBC? Medicare? That would be worth finding out, I'd also contact a womans shelter, while she may not need their services they may be able to recommend other services she may be eligible for, including budgeting or financial, as well as offer advice.
posted by wwax at 8:05 AM on October 30, 2014
Budgeting would be important. Would be be entitled to food stamps/EBC? Medicare? That would be worth finding out, I'd also contact a womans shelter, while she may not need their services they may be able to recommend other services she may be eligible for, including budgeting or financial, as well as offer advice.
posted by wwax at 8:05 AM on October 30, 2014
At the very least, she has legal tenancy rights, so she can't be locked out or thrown on to the street.
I do think she needs a lawyer consultation. If she doesn't have a case, maybe her ex would voluntarily commit to mediation with her so that the assets can be equally divided?
Best of luck.
posted by jbenben at 8:17 AM on October 30, 2014
I do think she needs a lawyer consultation. If she doesn't have a case, maybe her ex would voluntarily commit to mediation with her so that the assets can be equally divided?
Best of luck.
posted by jbenben at 8:17 AM on October 30, 2014
could you clarify the situation? you say they ARE splitting up in a messy breakup, but in the same sentence you say it "appears" Johnny wants to break up with Mary.
is it possible that you are a friend who is perhaps egging Mary on to make this situation a bigger crisis than it is?
perhaos couples counseling would be a better first step than getting her out of the home and risking destitution?
posted by jayder at 8:21 AM on October 30, 2014
is it possible that you are a friend who is perhaps egging Mary on to make this situation a bigger crisis than it is?
perhaos couples counseling would be a better first step than getting her out of the home and risking destitution?
posted by jayder at 8:21 AM on October 30, 2014
I agree with wwax that I would have her call a women's shelter even if there's no domestic violence (but don't lie about that) and ask if they can refer her to services. She will need proof of income, recent tax statements, and a list of her assets and monthly expenses.
Here's how she can find out if she's eligible for food stamps, etc, in NY state.
posted by desjardins at 8:28 AM on October 30, 2014
Here's how she can find out if she's eligible for food stamps, etc, in NY state.
posted by desjardins at 8:28 AM on October 30, 2014
Also - if she is above water on the car, I would trade it in or refinance it now, before she leaves him, so she can honestly state that her household income is X. (Don't, obviously, put his name on the title.)
posted by desjardins at 8:31 AM on October 30, 2014
posted by desjardins at 8:31 AM on October 30, 2014
Jayder:
They're headed to couples counseling on Monday.
I will absolutely support her in whatever she decides to do, but I want to put together a plan to show her that she can leave, if she so chooses. Right now she's convinced that it's not an option.
Everyone else: thanks for the suggestions so far, please keep them coming.
posted by chocolatepeanutbuttercup at 8:36 AM on October 30, 2014
They're headed to couples counseling on Monday.
I will absolutely support her in whatever she decides to do, but I want to put together a plan to show her that she can leave, if she so chooses. Right now she's convinced that it's not an option.
Everyone else: thanks for the suggestions so far, please keep them coming.
posted by chocolatepeanutbuttercup at 8:36 AM on October 30, 2014
For inexpensive legal advice, she should try the local law school clinics. I'm not sure if any of them would be applicable to her needs, but it's worth a look. Some of the schools, like Brooklyn Law School, have housing clinics and Elder Law clinics (although I'm not sure the latter would work for her, since she's only 60, but it's worth checking out).
New York State, as others have noted, does not recognize common law marriage, so that's a dead end, unfortunately. (NY does, in some cases, recognize such marriages from the dozen or so other states that recognize them, but my understanding is that there's no out-of-state C/L marriage here.)
posted by holborne at 8:38 AM on October 30, 2014
New York State, as others have noted, does not recognize common law marriage, so that's a dead end, unfortunately. (NY does, in some cases, recognize such marriages from the dozen or so other states that recognize them, but my understanding is that there's no out-of-state C/L marriage here.)
posted by holborne at 8:38 AM on October 30, 2014
This is a good situation to rally any family or social support network she may have, as well. Relatives and friends with an empty guest room, with job leads, with inexpensive cars for sale, etc.
posted by jaguar at 8:42 AM on October 30, 2014
posted by jaguar at 8:42 AM on October 30, 2014
Is there any subsidized housing for seniors around there? I know some of those places take people who are 60, and the rent is based on income. She is not eligible for Medicare until she turns 65 but she may be eligible for Medicaid. What is she doing for health insurance now?
posted by mareli at 8:44 AM on October 30, 2014
posted by mareli at 8:44 AM on October 30, 2014
If she decides to leave, there are things that could help. My mother recently had this exact scenario (minus the cheating). She was able to find a HUD subsidized apartment in a building for seniors. She's old enough to get social security, I got her a very good ACA health plan with no premium out of her pocket, and I'm in the process of helping her apply for SNAP (food stamps). This is in a different state, but it's a very red state and I assume NY will be much better about these sorts of things. So investigate HUD housing for seniors; investigate food stamps. Owning a car and having a job doesn't necessarily mean you can't get assistance. If you lose your housing, emergency assistance is available, typically.
posted by jeffamaphone at 8:46 AM on October 30, 2014
posted by jeffamaphone at 8:46 AM on October 30, 2014
She should also get out from under the car. I know she needs a car for her job, but she doesn't need that car.
posted by cjorgensen at 8:51 AM on October 30, 2014
posted by cjorgensen at 8:51 AM on October 30, 2014
Pro bono directory
Catholic Charities -- New York
Catholic Charities is one of the better services I have used while homeless. They can help with things like finding affordable housing and they typically have a food closet. The one I dealt with allowed you to get an emergency supply of about 3 days of food once a month, eight times per year (that's roughly 10% of your food needs for a month -- it's actually fairly generous).
They also run a women's services center in downtown San Diego that serves both homeless and poor women. It's an excellent program in part because it doesn't punish and reject you for making some improvements. In other words, if you are homeless and you get off the street, some programs will stop working with you right then and there. They are done. That isn't the case with this program. If you get off the street but are still struggling, you can still get a free breakfast, clothing for a job interview and lots of other services. I don't know if New York state has anything exactly like that, but you should check if they have a "women's center". If you can't find it online, call whichever one is the most local chapter for the area in question and ask questions. I did not initially realize that the women's center in downtown San Diego was actually part of Catholic Charities. They didn't advertise it in a big way.
I am not religious and I very much resented some of the religious homeless services where they did shitty things like hold a meal hostage until you sat through a sermon. Catholic Charities is not like that. Off the top of my head, it is one of two religion-based services that I have good things to say about how impressed I am with the work they do without using it as a manipulative means to recruit believers into church. So if your friend is not religious, do not let the word "Catholic" prevent her from contacting them.
posted by Michele in California at 1:45 PM on October 30, 2014
Catholic Charities -- New York
Catholic Charities is one of the better services I have used while homeless. They can help with things like finding affordable housing and they typically have a food closet. The one I dealt with allowed you to get an emergency supply of about 3 days of food once a month, eight times per year (that's roughly 10% of your food needs for a month -- it's actually fairly generous).
They also run a women's services center in downtown San Diego that serves both homeless and poor women. It's an excellent program in part because it doesn't punish and reject you for making some improvements. In other words, if you are homeless and you get off the street, some programs will stop working with you right then and there. They are done. That isn't the case with this program. If you get off the street but are still struggling, you can still get a free breakfast, clothing for a job interview and lots of other services. I don't know if New York state has anything exactly like that, but you should check if they have a "women's center". If you can't find it online, call whichever one is the most local chapter for the area in question and ask questions. I did not initially realize that the women's center in downtown San Diego was actually part of Catholic Charities. They didn't advertise it in a big way.
I am not religious and I very much resented some of the religious homeless services where they did shitty things like hold a meal hostage until you sat through a sermon. Catholic Charities is not like that. Off the top of my head, it is one of two religion-based services that I have good things to say about how impressed I am with the work they do without using it as a manipulative means to recruit believers into church. So if your friend is not religious, do not let the word "Catholic" prevent her from contacting them.
posted by Michele in California at 1:45 PM on October 30, 2014
no common law marriage but a good lawyer can help her recover assets from him under a theory of implied contract. this is how homosexual couples sometimes hashed things out after separation from long term committed partnerships before the state made gay marriage legal. TINLA.
posted by zdravo at 12:21 PM on October 31, 2014
posted by zdravo at 12:21 PM on October 31, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by amaire at 7:54 AM on October 30, 2014