Need help with Emotional Regulation
October 28, 2014 10:15 PM Subscribe
I'm flailing and feeling like I've backslid on a lot of personal progress. I don't know what's going on, and I'd like some advice for getting myself back on track. I've attempted to keep this concise.
I had a very dysfunctional childhood being raised by a mom with borderline personality disorder and a totally checked out dad. I didn't learn any good coping skills for strong emotions, since my childhood was all "Push it down and don't make mom mad." I've got complex PTSD from childhood, and some acute PTSD from some seriously traumatic stuff five and 10 years ago. I've got a good therapist that I've been seeing for about three years. She specializes in PTSD, and I've made huge strides in many areas. (Yay! I don't flinch when people touch me, and I haven't almost punched anyone for coming up behind me in the hall for like a year.)
I'm now back to having a hard time self regulating emotionally. Everything is feeling like a Much Much bigger deal than it is. I've had a really rough year - family death, trauma resurfacing, serious health issues including out-patient surgery and hospitalization, getting off a very effective anti-anxiety medicine. (Going back on medicine isn't an option right now for medical reasons.) But all year, I've really felt on top of it, and like I'm dealing in healthy ways. I didn't avoid my grief, and I've been able to stay employed full time through it all. Now? I'm freaking out at my husband over totally minor things that wouldn't have caused me emotional upset in the recent past. We've mostly got a very healthy relationship, and that's been through a lot of mutual hard work and growth. He is incredibly supportive and wonderful, and I really do my best to be the same. Usually, I would feel like I succeed in that. Currently, there is just nothing he can do right.
I know that it's not him and that it's 100% me. He hasn't changed, but I have really lost any ability right now to regulate my emotions. When he says something that could even possibly be described as critical, I break down in tears. And these are not even things that are meant critically. They're totally innocent; I'm just ramped up into hyperspace with my emotions. I'm having a hard time feeling like I'm good enough generally. I know that's part of my over reaction, but it's not his job to make me feel good enough. That needs to come from inside me.
So, how do I get my groove back? I want to be the emotionally even keeled person I have been. I want to have emotional responses that match my external stimuli instead of being way out of proportion. But I just totally lose sight of the forest in the moment and I can't seem to reel myself back from the brink when it all goes nuclear in my head. The longer this goes on, the more trouble I have feeling like I'm a worthy person, which just compounds the problem.
What are some concrete things I can do to feel more centered and in control of myself? I am open to anything that's worked for you: baths, walks, a particular song, chanting, whatever. I already do a lot of charity work, which I know is a common suggestion. How do I stop taking every little thing as a reason to be over critical of my husband or a reason that I am totally just worthless and should give up?
I didn't set up a throwaway email address, but I'll memail you if you tell me to.
I had a very dysfunctional childhood being raised by a mom with borderline personality disorder and a totally checked out dad. I didn't learn any good coping skills for strong emotions, since my childhood was all "Push it down and don't make mom mad." I've got complex PTSD from childhood, and some acute PTSD from some seriously traumatic stuff five and 10 years ago. I've got a good therapist that I've been seeing for about three years. She specializes in PTSD, and I've made huge strides in many areas. (Yay! I don't flinch when people touch me, and I haven't almost punched anyone for coming up behind me in the hall for like a year.)
I'm now back to having a hard time self regulating emotionally. Everything is feeling like a Much Much bigger deal than it is. I've had a really rough year - family death, trauma resurfacing, serious health issues including out-patient surgery and hospitalization, getting off a very effective anti-anxiety medicine. (Going back on medicine isn't an option right now for medical reasons.) But all year, I've really felt on top of it, and like I'm dealing in healthy ways. I didn't avoid my grief, and I've been able to stay employed full time through it all. Now? I'm freaking out at my husband over totally minor things that wouldn't have caused me emotional upset in the recent past. We've mostly got a very healthy relationship, and that's been through a lot of mutual hard work and growth. He is incredibly supportive and wonderful, and I really do my best to be the same. Usually, I would feel like I succeed in that. Currently, there is just nothing he can do right.
I know that it's not him and that it's 100% me. He hasn't changed, but I have really lost any ability right now to regulate my emotions. When he says something that could even possibly be described as critical, I break down in tears. And these are not even things that are meant critically. They're totally innocent; I'm just ramped up into hyperspace with my emotions. I'm having a hard time feeling like I'm good enough generally. I know that's part of my over reaction, but it's not his job to make me feel good enough. That needs to come from inside me.
So, how do I get my groove back? I want to be the emotionally even keeled person I have been. I want to have emotional responses that match my external stimuli instead of being way out of proportion. But I just totally lose sight of the forest in the moment and I can't seem to reel myself back from the brink when it all goes nuclear in my head. The longer this goes on, the more trouble I have feeling like I'm a worthy person, which just compounds the problem.
What are some concrete things I can do to feel more centered and in control of myself? I am open to anything that's worked for you: baths, walks, a particular song, chanting, whatever. I already do a lot of charity work, which I know is a common suggestion. How do I stop taking every little thing as a reason to be over critical of my husband or a reason that I am totally just worthless and should give up?
I didn't set up a throwaway email address, but I'll memail you if you tell me to.
Well, first of all you should do the usual screening--get your blood checked, talk to your doctor about physical factors that may be affecting you. It may also be a good idea, if it's financially feasible for you, to look at counseling; you have a pretty specific goal in mind and can walk into therapy saying "I want to feel more centred and in control of myself," which is a great place to start.
You say that your mother had BPD. It's not exactly heritable necessarily, though there does seem to be a higher chance for children of BPD people to develop the disorder. In any case, if you didn't grow up with healthy emotional responses modeled for you, the end result is the same: a difficulty in regulating emotion (especially negative emotion) in an adaptive way. (On top of which, BPD and PTSD seem to be pretty related, according to some.)
So what you might want to look at, whether you go to therapy or not (and for the record I think you should), are emotional regulation techniques that are usually applied to BPD. Look at ideas like Radical Acceptance ("this is how things are, I cannot change this, move on to the next thing"), Opposite-to-emotion Action ("I feel angry, I will force myself to do something calming even if I am gritting my teeth doing it"), and Improving The Moment ("What one small thing can I do right now to make this moment even a tiny bit better?" and repeat a moment later). A mindfulness practice would also help, which could include any or all of regular meditation, yoga, tai chi, physical exercise. One of the keys--for me, anyway, and it's often a two steps forward one step back kinda thing--is to get in the habit of awareness when your head isn't going thermonuclear--think of it like a fire drill, or any other emergency procedure. Learn it and practice it when you're calm, until it becomes habit, so you can draw on it when everything's going pear-shaped.
The biggest and most effective techniques for me so far have been acceptance and mindfulness. Accepting that you cannot change the actions of others and just letting it go is hard as hell but surprisingly rewarding (the therapy program I'm in puts 'non-judgemental stance' as a separate skill, but to me they're the same thing). Being in the moment, noting your emotions as they course through you--and the physical sensations they engender where applicable--is not only useful in controlling anger. It's also amazing when you are feeling happy; noting the lift in your step, the clarity of your thoughts, helps to perpetuate a cycle of feeling things appropriately and not dwelling on the self-critical stuff. Memail or email if you like; contact info in my profile.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:00 AM on October 29, 2014 [8 favorites]
You say that your mother had BPD. It's not exactly heritable necessarily, though there does seem to be a higher chance for children of BPD people to develop the disorder. In any case, if you didn't grow up with healthy emotional responses modeled for you, the end result is the same: a difficulty in regulating emotion (especially negative emotion) in an adaptive way. (On top of which, BPD and PTSD seem to be pretty related, according to some.)
So what you might want to look at, whether you go to therapy or not (and for the record I think you should), are emotional regulation techniques that are usually applied to BPD. Look at ideas like Radical Acceptance ("this is how things are, I cannot change this, move on to the next thing"), Opposite-to-emotion Action ("I feel angry, I will force myself to do something calming even if I am gritting my teeth doing it"), and Improving The Moment ("What one small thing can I do right now to make this moment even a tiny bit better?" and repeat a moment later). A mindfulness practice would also help, which could include any or all of regular meditation, yoga, tai chi, physical exercise. One of the keys--for me, anyway, and it's often a two steps forward one step back kinda thing--is to get in the habit of awareness when your head isn't going thermonuclear--think of it like a fire drill, or any other emergency procedure. Learn it and practice it when you're calm, until it becomes habit, so you can draw on it when everything's going pear-shaped.
The biggest and most effective techniques for me so far have been acceptance and mindfulness. Accepting that you cannot change the actions of others and just letting it go is hard as hell but surprisingly rewarding (the therapy program I'm in puts 'non-judgemental stance' as a separate skill, but to me they're the same thing). Being in the moment, noting your emotions as they course through you--and the physical sensations they engender where applicable--is not only useful in controlling anger. It's also amazing when you are feeling happy; noting the lift in your step, the clarity of your thoughts, helps to perpetuate a cycle of feeling things appropriately and not dwelling on the self-critical stuff. Memail or email if you like; contact info in my profile.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:00 AM on October 29, 2014 [8 favorites]
I was recently reading about a study proving that being out in nature has a measurable positive healing effect on trauma sufferers.
It sure does sound like you are processing a lot.
3 years ago, I had kinda a bad time in the hospital. Looking back, I realized recently that experience put me on a hair trigger defensive for almost 2 years! No kidding!!
My mom and upbringing sound a lot like yours, actually. I get you on this.
I think what you're going through is likely totally normal. I felt kinda fortunate recently to have figured it out, because the next time something triggering and life changing happens to me, I won't have to spend another 2 years feeling out of control. I'll know what's going on right away.
After the first year of my "relapse" or whatever you want to call it, I finally got serious about regaining my center and received acupuncture regularly for the next 10 months. That definitely helped.
Also, you might look into getting some blood work done. I had untreated anemia post-hospital, and that def contributed to my feelings of anxiety. You'll have to find some kind of alternative doctor who isn't a crackpot to help you put something like that into context, tho. A regular doc (IMHE) won't look at vitamin deficiencies in relation to mood or emotions, despite the fact that "anxiety" (just as an example) is listed as a symptom of anemia on WebMD, LOL. In the same vein (see what I did there?) I know there is rather poorly publicized but legitimate research linking vitamin deficiencies to mood stabilizing pharmaceuticals. This works similar to the way grapefruit blocks some medicines from working. Sometimes, some drugs stop your body from utilizing certain vitamins and minerals, which can then effect your emotions.
And here's one more avenue to consider...
I was recently listening to an interview with doctor that heads an institute assisting war veterans experiencing trouble returning to civilian life. She characterized PTSD as a disorder of the nervous system, which I found personally very very helpful in terms of dealing with my own feelings when I notice them begin to overwhelm me.
Be gentle with yourself. As long as you are striving to sort this out, no matter what road you take, you'll emerge from the other side. You might find yourself a little stronger than ever before, too.
See you on the road. Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 12:17 AM on October 29, 2014 [2 favorites]
It sure does sound like you are processing a lot.
3 years ago, I had kinda a bad time in the hospital. Looking back, I realized recently that experience put me on a hair trigger defensive for almost 2 years! No kidding!!
My mom and upbringing sound a lot like yours, actually. I get you on this.
I think what you're going through is likely totally normal. I felt kinda fortunate recently to have figured it out, because the next time something triggering and life changing happens to me, I won't have to spend another 2 years feeling out of control. I'll know what's going on right away.
After the first year of my "relapse" or whatever you want to call it, I finally got serious about regaining my center and received acupuncture regularly for the next 10 months. That definitely helped.
Also, you might look into getting some blood work done. I had untreated anemia post-hospital, and that def contributed to my feelings of anxiety. You'll have to find some kind of alternative doctor who isn't a crackpot to help you put something like that into context, tho. A regular doc (IMHE) won't look at vitamin deficiencies in relation to mood or emotions, despite the fact that "anxiety" (just as an example) is listed as a symptom of anemia on WebMD, LOL. In the same vein (see what I did there?) I know there is rather poorly publicized but legitimate research linking vitamin deficiencies to mood stabilizing pharmaceuticals. This works similar to the way grapefruit blocks some medicines from working. Sometimes, some drugs stop your body from utilizing certain vitamins and minerals, which can then effect your emotions.
And here's one more avenue to consider...
I was recently listening to an interview with doctor that heads an institute assisting war veterans experiencing trouble returning to civilian life. She characterized PTSD as a disorder of the nervous system, which I found personally very very helpful in terms of dealing with my own feelings when I notice them begin to overwhelm me.
Be gentle with yourself. As long as you are striving to sort this out, no matter what road you take, you'll emerge from the other side. You might find yourself a little stronger than ever before, too.
See you on the road. Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 12:17 AM on October 29, 2014 [2 favorites]
I had a period of time after getting treatment for depression when my emotional response to everything seemed heightened and unmanageable. This was after several years of emotional numbness, partly deliberately induced on my part; emotionally responding to things frightened me because it felt like it was going to plunge me back into depression. It took me, I'd say, about a year and a bit to learn some way of managing my emotional response. It was weird, really weird.
Here's a story that has always made sense to me about how this happened.
Healthy people have a couple of periods of time when they learn to regulate their emotions. The first is at around two or three. The second takes place in early adolescence. They basically correspond to emotions getting 'switched on' - in the first wave, simple emotions like frustration, anger, disappointment etc, and in the second wave, more complex adult emotions, including but not limited to those surrounding sexual attraction. These new emotions represent a challenge to which the child eventually is able to respond, and after a year or so things calm down as the child is able to manage the new and enhanced range of feeling. Emotional regulation during these periods is learned from the parents, from the child's peer group, and through a certain amount of trial-and-error experimentation (this makes me feel OK! This doesn't!)
Some people don't get this for a few different reasons. One result can be that the emotions aren't managed so much as suppressed, because they feel unsafe. This is kind of maladaptive, so getting to a better place or getting the appropriate medical treatment or various other factors can mean that these feelings get 'switched back on'.
Unfortunately the correct management of these emotions still has to be learned, and if a person didn't get it done earlier, they will have an uncomfortable period of trying to work out things that most people around them already know - here's how to calm myself down, here's how to ride the wave of feeling, this is legitimate anger vs this is just me being in a bad mood, etc. The good news is that these things are totally learnable at any age with the right motivation and a willingness to experiment and, to a certain extent, to incorporate the knowledge of others. Patience and determination! The fact that you're feeling these things at all is evidence that you're beginning to heal.
posted by Acheman at 3:22 AM on October 29, 2014 [14 favorites]
Here's a story that has always made sense to me about how this happened.
Healthy people have a couple of periods of time when they learn to regulate their emotions. The first is at around two or three. The second takes place in early adolescence. They basically correspond to emotions getting 'switched on' - in the first wave, simple emotions like frustration, anger, disappointment etc, and in the second wave, more complex adult emotions, including but not limited to those surrounding sexual attraction. These new emotions represent a challenge to which the child eventually is able to respond, and after a year or so things calm down as the child is able to manage the new and enhanced range of feeling. Emotional regulation during these periods is learned from the parents, from the child's peer group, and through a certain amount of trial-and-error experimentation (this makes me feel OK! This doesn't!)
Some people don't get this for a few different reasons. One result can be that the emotions aren't managed so much as suppressed, because they feel unsafe. This is kind of maladaptive, so getting to a better place or getting the appropriate medical treatment or various other factors can mean that these feelings get 'switched back on'.
Unfortunately the correct management of these emotions still has to be learned, and if a person didn't get it done earlier, they will have an uncomfortable period of trying to work out things that most people around them already know - here's how to calm myself down, here's how to ride the wave of feeling, this is legitimate anger vs this is just me being in a bad mood, etc. The good news is that these things are totally learnable at any age with the right motivation and a willingness to experiment and, to a certain extent, to incorporate the knowledge of others. Patience and determination! The fact that you're feeling these things at all is evidence that you're beginning to heal.
posted by Acheman at 3:22 AM on October 29, 2014 [14 favorites]
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy: http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/
posted by intrepid_simpleton at 5:22 AM on October 29, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by intrepid_simpleton at 5:22 AM on October 29, 2014 [2 favorites]
Author Steven Stosny describes a concrete, step by step process to do just this, called HEALS, in his book Love Without Hurt. It's been incredibly helpful to me when I am overwhelmed by emotionin unproductive ways. As far as I can tell there isn't a full description online and the book is so, so worth it overall. Highly recommend.
Feel free to MeMail for more info...
posted by Sublimity at 5:49 AM on October 29, 2014 [2 favorites]
Feel free to MeMail for more info...
posted by Sublimity at 5:49 AM on October 29, 2014 [2 favorites]
You sound overwhelmed. Take a break, treat yourself kindly, and maybe read (or re-read) a DBT workbook.
posted by arrmatie at 6:32 AM on October 29, 2014
posted by arrmatie at 6:32 AM on October 29, 2014
Hi. I have complex-PTSD (the polite way of saying BPD) from an upbringing similar to yours.
I find in recovery it is a few steps forward, one step back. It sounds like you have had an enormous year that would tax anyone! I know when I have stressors (even positive ones like looking for engagement rings or job interviews), I can revert. Change is difficult for me to process. Like others have said, know that it's just part of the hand you've been dealt.
Currently, there is just nothing he can do right.
I find when I am irrationally angry at my boyfriend (and I know exactly what you're talking about here), it is because I'm not feeling listened to or taken care of, I'm not expressing stuff that is bothering me (and it's often not unreasonable stuff either like "please no crumbs on the counter"), I'm judging myself and expecting to be perfect and never feel bad, I'm feeling a lot of bad feelings that I can't own, and so I am projecting it on to my boyfriend, seeing nothing but flaws. (And then I judge myself: he's being nice, you are so horrible for hating him! which only compounds the problem.)
Your feelings are your feelings. You might not like them, or think they are rational, but can you accept them? And not fight them? It sounds like your guy is very understanding. Instead of anger, can you feel the pain underneath the anger? Tell him you're sorry and cry it out. Tell him you are just feeling awful and are struggling to cope. Everyone struggles to cope sometimes.
Having C-PTSD is like having the emotional capacity of a 3 year old sometimes. You are overwhelmed and feeling bad. How does a 3 year old handle that? They cry at every little setback, they hate their parents, they are an emotional wreck. So maybe instead of being hard on yourself, you could re-parent yourself a little. Say "aww, you ARE feeling bad, aren't you? I know exactly how you feel." Give yourself a hug, or ask for some from your husband.
I know when I'm in the 'black' portion of a black/white split, I don't even want a hug from my boyfriend because I've painted him black. I've basically cut myself off from my good feelings surrounding him. I've learned that I have to break down my internal wall and let his love in, and let my love out. So when he hugs you, don't set up internal resistance to it if you know what I mean. Let go of resistance and let it in the feelings. It can help shift your mood.
Be easy on yourself. Getting away for a weekend might help, and don't focus on the bad thoughts (about yourself or him). Just push them out of your mind and focus on something else. Like knitting. Some hobby. It's like you've hit an emotional pattern and you need to break out of that loop. Distraction can help break you out of that.
You can memail me if you need! I know exactly what you are going through, I'm going through some of it myself, you are not alone.
posted by serenity soonish at 7:50 AM on October 29, 2014 [5 favorites]
I find in recovery it is a few steps forward, one step back. It sounds like you have had an enormous year that would tax anyone! I know when I have stressors (even positive ones like looking for engagement rings or job interviews), I can revert. Change is difficult for me to process. Like others have said, know that it's just part of the hand you've been dealt.
Currently, there is just nothing he can do right.
I find when I am irrationally angry at my boyfriend (and I know exactly what you're talking about here), it is because I'm not feeling listened to or taken care of, I'm not expressing stuff that is bothering me (and it's often not unreasonable stuff either like "please no crumbs on the counter"), I'm judging myself and expecting to be perfect and never feel bad, I'm feeling a lot of bad feelings that I can't own, and so I am projecting it on to my boyfriend, seeing nothing but flaws. (And then I judge myself: he's being nice, you are so horrible for hating him! which only compounds the problem.)
Your feelings are your feelings. You might not like them, or think they are rational, but can you accept them? And not fight them? It sounds like your guy is very understanding. Instead of anger, can you feel the pain underneath the anger? Tell him you're sorry and cry it out. Tell him you are just feeling awful and are struggling to cope. Everyone struggles to cope sometimes.
Having C-PTSD is like having the emotional capacity of a 3 year old sometimes. You are overwhelmed and feeling bad. How does a 3 year old handle that? They cry at every little setback, they hate their parents, they are an emotional wreck. So maybe instead of being hard on yourself, you could re-parent yourself a little. Say "aww, you ARE feeling bad, aren't you? I know exactly how you feel." Give yourself a hug, or ask for some from your husband.
I know when I'm in the 'black' portion of a black/white split, I don't even want a hug from my boyfriend because I've painted him black. I've basically cut myself off from my good feelings surrounding him. I've learned that I have to break down my internal wall and let his love in, and let my love out. So when he hugs you, don't set up internal resistance to it if you know what I mean. Let go of resistance and let it in the feelings. It can help shift your mood.
Be easy on yourself. Getting away for a weekend might help, and don't focus on the bad thoughts (about yourself or him). Just push them out of your mind and focus on something else. Like knitting. Some hobby. It's like you've hit an emotional pattern and you need to break out of that loop. Distraction can help break you out of that.
You can memail me if you need! I know exactly what you are going through, I'm going through some of it myself, you are not alone.
posted by serenity soonish at 7:50 AM on October 29, 2014 [5 favorites]
« Older Relationship question: My girl friend's feeling... | Something besides Prozac for PMS? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Jacqueline at 10:31 PM on October 28, 2014