Relationship question: My girl friend's feeling toward her ex
October 28, 2014 10:14 PM Subscribe
I and my girl friend have been dating for eight months. I think everything is good between us so far except for few occasions where we had a disagreement in the past (my two previous questions are about those occasions). We did not have any problem recently. I introduced her to my mom, and she introduced me to hers. The major problem I have with myself is that she said she cared about her ex.
One time over dinner she told me that she talked to the wife of her ex's brother who shows her pictures of her ex, and she was telling me that he gained a lot of weight and his new girlfriend (the one after my current girl friend) might not be a good match for him. At this time, I asked her if she still cared about him. She replied she cared and the feeling she has is a feeling that a mother has toward her child (meaning she likes to protect him). I told her that is still a very deep feeling. She replied back that since she has not been a mother, she does not know how deep that feeling is. I got resented over this thinking that she might not still be over her ex so I did not talk to her for a week. She came back and apologized and re-assured that she is over her ex.
We have been good together since then. Recently, she invited me to a party in which her ex’s brother, his wife, and even her ex might be present. She is excited about going to this party because she says all the citie's well-known people will be there. However, I started to get worried once more that this might cause a distance between us once again. I still said ok because she was very excited about going, and I did not want to upset her over my own insecurity (if you can call it that).
I am not sure why anytime she talks about her ex I feel distant from her. I know they have been dating for 6 years, and I have been dating her only for eight months. My plan was to date for a year and decide whether to get married or not. All my friends say that one year should be enough time to know someone in my age range (I am 36 she is 31). This means I want to have my first child within the next 2 years. When I think about the fact that she cares so much about her ex and follows his life, I feel very uncertain about my plans. I have ex-girl friends too. I know I still care about them, but I have no interest of following their lives, and even if I had friends who insisted about talking about my exes I would cut my relationship with them simply because I don't want the past to interfere with my current relationship. I don't like to talk about my exes if my girl friend does not insist which she does not. However, she likes to talk about her ex. She does not even say good things. For example, she just says that he gained a lot of weight, and she is worried about him. Or for example, she says that he is very lonely.
I don't really know what to tell her in these situations. She knows I get upset and tries not to do it how ever I know that, deep down, she likes to talk about it and some how wants my input on those too. I feel that sometimes she mistakes me with her regular girl friend.
How do you think I should handle these situations? Do you think its possible that she can love and care about her ex and love me as well at the same time?
One time over dinner she told me that she talked to the wife of her ex's brother who shows her pictures of her ex, and she was telling me that he gained a lot of weight and his new girlfriend (the one after my current girl friend) might not be a good match for him. At this time, I asked her if she still cared about him. She replied she cared and the feeling she has is a feeling that a mother has toward her child (meaning she likes to protect him). I told her that is still a very deep feeling. She replied back that since she has not been a mother, she does not know how deep that feeling is. I got resented over this thinking that she might not still be over her ex so I did not talk to her for a week. She came back and apologized and re-assured that she is over her ex.
We have been good together since then. Recently, she invited me to a party in which her ex’s brother, his wife, and even her ex might be present. She is excited about going to this party because she says all the citie's well-known people will be there. However, I started to get worried once more that this might cause a distance between us once again. I still said ok because she was very excited about going, and I did not want to upset her over my own insecurity (if you can call it that).
I am not sure why anytime she talks about her ex I feel distant from her. I know they have been dating for 6 years, and I have been dating her only for eight months. My plan was to date for a year and decide whether to get married or not. All my friends say that one year should be enough time to know someone in my age range (I am 36 she is 31). This means I want to have my first child within the next 2 years. When I think about the fact that she cares so much about her ex and follows his life, I feel very uncertain about my plans. I have ex-girl friends too. I know I still care about them, but I have no interest of following their lives, and even if I had friends who insisted about talking about my exes I would cut my relationship with them simply because I don't want the past to interfere with my current relationship. I don't like to talk about my exes if my girl friend does not insist which she does not. However, she likes to talk about her ex. She does not even say good things. For example, she just says that he gained a lot of weight, and she is worried about him. Or for example, she says that he is very lonely.
I don't really know what to tell her in these situations. She knows I get upset and tries not to do it how ever I know that, deep down, she likes to talk about it and some how wants my input on those too. I feel that sometimes she mistakes me with her regular girl friend.
How do you think I should handle these situations? Do you think its possible that she can love and care about her ex and love me as well at the same time?
She sounds empathetic, caring, and lovely, which are all fine qualities in a partner. She is also showing a great deal of maturity and compassion for you - I'm not sure I would be as forgiving toward a partner who refused to talk to me for a week when he was upset about me.
Love is not a finite resource, friend. It's totally okay to request for her to not talk about her exes as much if it's excessive, but that's not what I'm getting here. It's also okay to want your partner to feel romantic love for only you. However, I would not want to date a person who cared about only me - the pressure of that would overwhelm me! I'm deeply, deeply in love with my boyfriend, but I still care a lot about the people who came before him and want them to find peace and be happy. She is totally within the norms of healthy, mature relationships.
posted by superlibby at 10:41 PM on October 28, 2014 [9 favorites]
Love is not a finite resource, friend. It's totally okay to request for her to not talk about her exes as much if it's excessive, but that's not what I'm getting here. It's also okay to want your partner to feel romantic love for only you. However, I would not want to date a person who cared about only me - the pressure of that would overwhelm me! I'm deeply, deeply in love with my boyfriend, but I still care a lot about the people who came before him and want them to find peace and be happy. She is totally within the norms of healthy, mature relationships.
posted by superlibby at 10:41 PM on October 28, 2014 [9 favorites]
It sounds like the real problem is that after eight months, you still aren't sure if she is really going to be there for you. It takes time to build that kind of confidence in the relationship, I think feeling a little insecure in the relationship is understandable but it is making you do things that are upsetting both of you. I would suggest that you both read Sue Johnson's book, Hold Me Tight. It will you talk about this in a constructive way.
posted by metahawk at 10:59 PM on October 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by metahawk at 10:59 PM on October 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
You asked nearly the same question about 2 months ago. I didn't have to check your question history, I remember it very clearly. The fact that you're still obsessing about this issue means that you need to break up with her and go find someone who has no contact with their exes. I think her behavior and feelings are perfectly acceptable, but your insecurity about this is so deep that you're never going to resolve it any other way. Let her go find someone who trusts her, and go find someone you trust.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 11:23 PM on October 28, 2014 [22 favorites]
posted by treehorn+bunny at 11:23 PM on October 28, 2014 [22 favorites]
I think folks are missing the point.
She isn't friends with her ex, right? She's just voyeristically keeping up with his (intimate, it seems) life details via his brother and sister-in-law. Am I correct?
Yeah, it's a little obsessive or stalker-y, if I'm reading your description correctly. Certainly, it's not "lovely" or "empathetic" towards you that she expects to be able to relate details of her ex's current personal life without any filter or thought for your feelings.
In my experience, this is pretty close to a red flag. It's concerning she can't stop caring about this guy's life long enough to stop herself from discussing it with you, especially after you expressed you are uncomfortable hearing about it.
You've told her the topic makes you uncomfortable, yet she continues to bring it up between you. What do you want to do about that?
Focus on her behavior towards you. Don't make it about the ex. You've asked her to stop, and she hasn't.
I think it's immature that she can't limit talking about her ex only to people who are OK discussing him with her.
Why she needs to talk about him at all is a mystery, and no one here can read her mind.
posted by jbenben at 11:33 PM on October 28, 2014 [8 favorites]
She isn't friends with her ex, right? She's just voyeristically keeping up with his (intimate, it seems) life details via his brother and sister-in-law. Am I correct?
Yeah, it's a little obsessive or stalker-y, if I'm reading your description correctly. Certainly, it's not "lovely" or "empathetic" towards you that she expects to be able to relate details of her ex's current personal life without any filter or thought for your feelings.
In my experience, this is pretty close to a red flag. It's concerning she can't stop caring about this guy's life long enough to stop herself from discussing it with you, especially after you expressed you are uncomfortable hearing about it.
You've told her the topic makes you uncomfortable, yet she continues to bring it up between you. What do you want to do about that?
Focus on her behavior towards you. Don't make it about the ex. You've asked her to stop, and she hasn't.
I think it's immature that she can't limit talking about her ex only to people who are OK discussing him with her.
Why she needs to talk about him at all is a mystery, and no one here can read her mind.
posted by jbenben at 11:33 PM on October 28, 2014 [8 favorites]
PS - My answer assumes she brings him up to you fairly often.
If I've misunderstood and she's only brought him up to you four or five times total over the right months you've been dating, disregard what I had to say.
posted by jbenben at 11:38 PM on October 28, 2014
If I've misunderstood and she's only brought him up to you four or five times total over the right months you've been dating, disregard what I had to say.
posted by jbenben at 11:38 PM on October 28, 2014
Break up. You're stuck on her maybe kinda sorta being stuck on her ex. You don't like it. You know what? Fair enough. Break it off. Because she does care for this guy and it wouldn't be fair for you to tell her to stop caring. Not that anyone could.
Do I think it's an irrational fear? Yeah, I do. I think if she wanted to be with him, she would. But she's with you.
Originally you said you'd know within 8 months if you wanted to marry her. Now 8 months in, you move the goal post to a year. I say you have the answer. You're not compatible. Find someone who burns bridges with their exes. Good luck with that.
posted by inturnaround at 11:41 PM on October 28, 2014 [5 favorites]
Do I think it's an irrational fear? Yeah, I do. I think if she wanted to be with him, she would. But she's with you.
Originally you said you'd know within 8 months if you wanted to marry her. Now 8 months in, you move the goal post to a year. I say you have the answer. You're not compatible. Find someone who burns bridges with their exes. Good luck with that.
posted by inturnaround at 11:41 PM on October 28, 2014 [5 favorites]
When--not if--you two break up, which would you rather have:
1) A mature break, with feelings of caring left on both sides, or
2) Her throwing you away like yesterday's trash?
She and her ex chose option 1. What are you truly worried about, here? She cares about her ex. This is good. She doesn't want to be with him. This is also good. What is it that makes it difficult for you to trust that? Are you worried she will leave you? She spent 20% of her life with this guy, it's completely reasonable that they still be friends, that she care about him, etc. What matters is how she treats you.
People who routinely burn bridges with their exes are not people who are interested in adult relationships. We all have a couple of burnt bridges behind us, and some bridges that didn't so much burn as fade away, and that happens. But the older you get--and you and I are the same age--the more you realize that it is silly to throw away someone who meant a lot to you, just because you're not sleeping together anymore.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:43 PM on October 28, 2014 [10 favorites]
1) A mature break, with feelings of caring left on both sides, or
2) Her throwing you away like yesterday's trash?
She and her ex chose option 1. What are you truly worried about, here? She cares about her ex. This is good. She doesn't want to be with him. This is also good. What is it that makes it difficult for you to trust that? Are you worried she will leave you? She spent 20% of her life with this guy, it's completely reasonable that they still be friends, that she care about him, etc. What matters is how she treats you.
People who routinely burn bridges with their exes are not people who are interested in adult relationships. We all have a couple of burnt bridges behind us, and some bridges that didn't so much burn as fade away, and that happens. But the older you get--and you and I are the same age--the more you realize that it is silly to throw away someone who meant a lot to you, just because you're not sleeping together anymore.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:43 PM on October 28, 2014 [10 favorites]
Of course she can still have feelings for her ex and love you. She has chosen to be with you, not her ex, but feelings don't just switch off like the lights. It sounds like her feelings are pretty conflicted - she says she's concerned or worried, but comments about him gaining weight or not doing so well could also be a kind of self-congratulatory thing where she's patting herself on the back for doing better than he is. That may even be why she's telling you. Maybe she wants reassurance from you. Maybe she wants you to demonstrate that you love her. Oh yeah, do you love her? You seem awfully concerned about whether she loves you but don't mention how you feel about her, apart from possessive and somewhat controlling.
But what worries me more about your question is all your implicit assumptions. You want to get married when you've been dating for a year. You want to have kids within two years. You have plans. Maybe the two of you have actually talked about these things and you just haven't gone into details in your post, but it's not clear that these are shared goals. What does she want? How does she feel? What are her plans? Your whole question makes it seem like you have very little understanding of her feelings or desires and that you don't trust what she tells you. You, in fact, punish her when she is honest. Can't you see how this hardly encourages her to be open and honest with you?
In short: there's nothing wrong with her but she doesn't sound like the right one for you. Do both of you a favour and break up with her. And consider that punishing someone else for your hang-ups isn't terribly fair, and that rather than expecting someone to fit in with your goals and plans, they should be goals and plans that you make together, because you both want to.
posted by Athanassiel at 12:01 AM on October 29, 2014 [6 favorites]
But what worries me more about your question is all your implicit assumptions. You want to get married when you've been dating for a year. You want to have kids within two years. You have plans. Maybe the two of you have actually talked about these things and you just haven't gone into details in your post, but it's not clear that these are shared goals. What does she want? How does she feel? What are her plans? Your whole question makes it seem like you have very little understanding of her feelings or desires and that you don't trust what she tells you. You, in fact, punish her when she is honest. Can't you see how this hardly encourages her to be open and honest with you?
In short: there's nothing wrong with her but she doesn't sound like the right one for you. Do both of you a favour and break up with her. And consider that punishing someone else for your hang-ups isn't terribly fair, and that rather than expecting someone to fit in with your goals and plans, they should be goals and plans that you make together, because you both want to.
posted by Athanassiel at 12:01 AM on October 29, 2014 [6 favorites]
Oh yeah, and also, having looked back through your posting history, why are you still with this woman? And why are you still asking us whether you should be with this woman? To each question you've asked, the overwhelming number of answers have been that the two of you are clearly not suited and you should break up. 6 break-up-worthy questions in 8 months? Break up already!
posted by Athanassiel at 12:09 AM on October 29, 2014 [11 favorites]
posted by Athanassiel at 12:09 AM on October 29, 2014 [11 favorites]
You are a grown ass adult.
You shouldn't be taking a week long break from the relationship because you don't know how to quantify her answer to a question you posed about her feelings. She is allowed to have her feelings.
Break it off with her and work on your insecurities. Her hearing about her ex from his family should not be affecting your head in the way it apparently does.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 12:09 AM on October 29, 2014 [34 favorites]
You shouldn't be taking a week long break from the relationship because you don't know how to quantify her answer to a question you posed about her feelings. She is allowed to have her feelings.
Break it off with her and work on your insecurities. Her hearing about her ex from his family should not be affecting your head in the way it apparently does.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 12:09 AM on October 29, 2014 [34 favorites]
Do you think its possible that she can love and care about her ex and love me as well at the same time?
There's no one right and loving way to behave in a relationship. She loves you and cares for you (and has maternal feelings towards her ex) and this is her way of doing it.
And it's not making you happy. The way in which she loves you is not making you happy. It never will make you happy because it exacerbates your insecurity. Your way of loving her (by reacting to insecurity with a week long silent treatment, wtf) will also get old pretty fast. She will realise that your way of treating her is not making her happy, either. She will stop apologizing and begin considering exit strategies.
You can't change her. Things will be exactly the same in four months' time.
Break up.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:33 AM on October 29, 2014 [3 favorites]
There's no one right and loving way to behave in a relationship. She loves you and cares for you (and has maternal feelings towards her ex) and this is her way of doing it.
And it's not making you happy. The way in which she loves you is not making you happy. It never will make you happy because it exacerbates your insecurity. Your way of loving her (by reacting to insecurity with a week long silent treatment, wtf) will also get old pretty fast. She will realise that your way of treating her is not making her happy, either. She will stop apologizing and begin considering exit strategies.
You can't change her. Things will be exactly the same in four months' time.
Break up.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:33 AM on October 29, 2014 [3 favorites]
Is this the same girl you wanted to break up with because you didn't think her face was beautiful? If so I honestly don't think this one problem is an issue, but you seem to have been thinking about breaking up with her throughout your whole relationship, so you really should break up with her.
posted by stillnocturnal at 2:52 AM on October 29, 2014 [8 favorites]
posted by stillnocturnal at 2:52 AM on October 29, 2014 [8 favorites]
If this is the same woman and the same relationship, this is the sixth question you've asked in less than eight months where you want clarity about your concerns. In pretty much every question, the overwhelming responses you received were to break up with her for a variety of reasons.
One of the things that can happen with an AskMe is we will often see patterns and details in questions that jump out at us but aren't the original intent of the Asker. You may not want to take the advice you're given, but it begs the question of why you're asking variations of the same question. Staying together with this woman and needing this level of help navigating the relationship probably means it's not a good relationship.
With that in mind, I hope you really try to accept the advice you've been given, in this and your previous concerns.
You should break up with her. Not because of anything she's done in particular, but because you've made it pretty clear that despite what you wrote, you're not happy in this relationship.
And to this question in particular, of course she can have feelings for her ex and still date you. It's fine for you to not be okay with this and for you to tell her you'd rather not hear updates about him. You're allowed to have boundaries.
But I still think you two should break up.
posted by kinetic at 3:45 AM on October 29, 2014 [11 favorites]
One of the things that can happen with an AskMe is we will often see patterns and details in questions that jump out at us but aren't the original intent of the Asker. You may not want to take the advice you're given, but it begs the question of why you're asking variations of the same question. Staying together with this woman and needing this level of help navigating the relationship probably means it's not a good relationship.
With that in mind, I hope you really try to accept the advice you've been given, in this and your previous concerns.
You should break up with her. Not because of anything she's done in particular, but because you've made it pretty clear that despite what you wrote, you're not happy in this relationship.
And to this question in particular, of course she can have feelings for her ex and still date you. It's fine for you to not be okay with this and for you to tell her you'd rather not hear updates about him. You're allowed to have boundaries.
But I still think you two should break up.
posted by kinetic at 3:45 AM on October 29, 2014 [11 favorites]
Yes, why are you dating this person? You really sound like you disapprove of her and you seem to be all up in her head-- i.e. obsessing about what she is thinking, what is the matter with her, etc. Once your feelings about someone get this way, the relationship is going to be toxic for you and probably for them too. Next time, hopefully you can be with someone who you can meet on a more equal basis, without trying to change or control them.
That doesn't necessarily mean you have to give up your own ideas about what's appropriate in a relationship. There could be things about your current relationship that you don't choose to have in another relationship. You may prefer to have someone who is not friends with their exes, and that's OK. But you want to pick someone you don't have so many little (and big) problems with.
posted by BibiRose at 5:36 AM on October 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
That doesn't necessarily mean you have to give up your own ideas about what's appropriate in a relationship. There could be things about your current relationship that you don't choose to have in another relationship. You may prefer to have someone who is not friends with their exes, and that's OK. But you want to pick someone you don't have so many little (and big) problems with.
posted by BibiRose at 5:36 AM on October 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
You've been having a lot of problems with this woman throughout your relationship. My impression is that none of them have been resolved. Well, here's another one, or another ongoing one.
You have my permission to break up. You're not going to want, or be ready, to marry her in four months. I think you're sticking with this because you have a timeline in your head that you're worried about meeting, and that's a really fucking bad idea.
You know what? She's probably not over her ex, honestly. They were together for six years. That's a lot of shared history. That doesn't mean she wants to be with him or woulds get back together if she could, or that she's being or would be unfaithful to you. But he's still a significant presence in her life, clearly. And you're not okay with that. Maybe it would be good if you could be, but you're not.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:49 AM on October 29, 2014 [3 favorites]
You have my permission to break up. You're not going to want, or be ready, to marry her in four months. I think you're sticking with this because you have a timeline in your head that you're worried about meeting, and that's a really fucking bad idea.
You know what? She's probably not over her ex, honestly. They were together for six years. That's a lot of shared history. That doesn't mean she wants to be with him or woulds get back together if she could, or that she's being or would be unfaithful to you. But he's still a significant presence in her life, clearly. And you're not okay with that. Maybe it would be good if you could be, but you're not.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:49 AM on October 29, 2014 [3 favorites]
Do you think its possible that she can love and care about her ex and love me as well at the same time?
No.
I say this because you obviously think she cannot, and that's what matters. So no, she can't care for both of you, and you really should break up.
posted by jeather at 5:56 AM on October 29, 2014
No.
I say this because you obviously think she cannot, and that's what matters. So no, she can't care for both of you, and you really should break up.
posted by jeather at 5:56 AM on October 29, 2014
Sounds like she's not over him... which is normal, particularly soon after a long relationship. It takes time to get over someone. Unfortunately, this is likely to interfere in your relationship.
It's also normal to stay friends with an ex, or not to stay friends with one, but it's not normal for it to be all-encompassing. I'm still friends with a few of my exes but I don't talk about them all the time to my wife or to anyone else for that matter -- only when asked.
posted by tckma at 6:19 AM on October 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
It's also normal to stay friends with an ex, or not to stay friends with one, but it's not normal for it to be all-encompassing. I'm still friends with a few of my exes but I don't talk about them all the time to my wife or to anyone else for that matter -- only when asked.
posted by tckma at 6:19 AM on October 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
She spent almost 20 percent of her life with that ex. She is allowed to feel and talk about it. Would you rather not know anything about that big chunk of her life? Just a thought: what's the longest relationship you have had?
posted by Mr. Yuck at 6:31 AM on October 29, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by Mr. Yuck at 6:31 AM on October 29, 2014 [4 favorites]
Do you think its possible that she can love and care about her ex and love me as well at the same time?
I'm going to just answer this question as asked. Yes. I have an ex-husband whom I will always love and care about as someone I spent a lot of time with and a current husband whom I love with every molecule of my being as the guy who makes my soul sing when he walks in the door. So I know it's possible.
Misterussell also knows I still care about my ex-husband in that weird way and he's 100% fine with that.
posted by kimberussell at 6:54 AM on October 29, 2014 [3 favorites]
I'm going to just answer this question as asked. Yes. I have an ex-husband whom I will always love and care about as someone I spent a lot of time with and a current husband whom I love with every molecule of my being as the guy who makes my soul sing when he walks in the door. So I know it's possible.
Misterussell also knows I still care about my ex-husband in that weird way and he's 100% fine with that.
posted by kimberussell at 6:54 AM on October 29, 2014 [3 favorites]
I don't really know what to tell her in these situations. She knows I get upset and tries not to do it how ever I know that, deep down, she likes to talk about it and some how wants my input on those too. I feel that sometimes she mistakes me with her regular girl friend.
Wait wait wait. So, you told her you don't like it, so she STOPPED. But now you're mad because you'll only be happy if she never ever WANTED to talk about him. And you think she "mistakes" you for her friend? UM YES, THAT IS WHAT A BOYFRIEND IS, IT IS A FRIEND WHO IS A BOY.
Break up with her. Break up with her. Break up with her. You don't like her and you don't love her and you don't trust her and why in the name of all that is holy did you not break up with her after your other six questions about how you do not like or love her????
posted by like_a_friend at 8:17 AM on October 29, 2014 [11 favorites]
Wait wait wait. So, you told her you don't like it, so she STOPPED. But now you're mad because you'll only be happy if she never ever WANTED to talk about him. And you think she "mistakes" you for her friend? UM YES, THAT IS WHAT A BOYFRIEND IS, IT IS A FRIEND WHO IS A BOY.
Break up with her. Break up with her. Break up with her. You don't like her and you don't love her and you don't trust her and why in the name of all that is holy did you not break up with her after your other six questions about how you do not like or love her????
posted by like_a_friend at 8:17 AM on October 29, 2014 [11 favorites]
In all of your questions there is a theme: you start out by saying you don't want your GF to do $thing. But then by the end of your question you admit that she *doesn't* do $thing anymore, and instead what you want is for her to be a completely different person who thinks different thoughts and wants different things. Oh, and is prettier.
This is not fixable, it is not love, it is controlling weirdness, and you need. to. break. up.
posted by like_a_friend at 8:21 AM on October 29, 2014 [25 favorites]
This is not fixable, it is not love, it is controlling weirdness, and you need. to. break. up.
posted by like_a_friend at 8:21 AM on October 29, 2014 [25 favorites]
In all of the questions you've asked, the answers have largely come back that you should break up, and that they way you're behaving towards this woman seems immature, insecure, and controlling. Surely by now you realize that if you continue to present the same kind of question to us you're probably going to get the same kind of answers, so can you tell us what you've been doing over the year to work on your own issues pertaining to this relationship, and what is/isn't working? If you're so uncomfortable with the way this woman behaves towards you, why haven't you broken up yet? What's keeping this relationship going?
Like many other folks here, I do agree that this relationship should end. If you don't see this yet, maybe it would help to sit down and imagine your ideal relationship, with your ideal partner. How do the two of you communicate with each other? What things are/aren't off limits? How do each of you relate towards your own and each other's friends, exes, family? How do you work through conflict? What long-term goals do you share? What does she look like, and what does she think of your looks? Go ahead, be exhaustive and be honest in what you want. Then compare your current relationship to this list. Based on your questions, I get the sense that this will demonstrate that your current partner isn't the one you're looking for - so it would be in both of your best interests to break things off so you can both find a more suitable partner.
And as others have said, I would definitely suggest some therapy in the interim for you, to work on your insecurity. I'm kind of surprised that your current girlfriend has put up with some of the ways you've been behaving (a week of the silent treatment is really not adult behavior), and I don't think you should expect your next partner to do so. The more you can work to be comfortable in your own skin, the more you'll be able to contribute in a healthy, respectful way in your next relationship. Good luck to you.
posted by DingoMutt at 8:47 AM on October 29, 2014 [8 favorites]
Like many other folks here, I do agree that this relationship should end. If you don't see this yet, maybe it would help to sit down and imagine your ideal relationship, with your ideal partner. How do the two of you communicate with each other? What things are/aren't off limits? How do each of you relate towards your own and each other's friends, exes, family? How do you work through conflict? What long-term goals do you share? What does she look like, and what does she think of your looks? Go ahead, be exhaustive and be honest in what you want. Then compare your current relationship to this list. Based on your questions, I get the sense that this will demonstrate that your current partner isn't the one you're looking for - so it would be in both of your best interests to break things off so you can both find a more suitable partner.
And as others have said, I would definitely suggest some therapy in the interim for you, to work on your insecurity. I'm kind of surprised that your current girlfriend has put up with some of the ways you've been behaving (a week of the silent treatment is really not adult behavior), and I don't think you should expect your next partner to do so. The more you can work to be comfortable in your own skin, the more you'll be able to contribute in a healthy, respectful way in your next relationship. Good luck to you.
posted by DingoMutt at 8:47 AM on October 29, 2014 [8 favorites]
I highly suggest reading the book How to be an Adult in Relationships. It discusses the five cornerstones of a healthy relationship: acceptance, appreciation, allowance, affection, and approval.
Stonewalling - refusing to talk to your girlfriend for a week because she told you something honest that you didn't want to hear (although you did ask about) - is punishment. It is not appropriate to treat someone you supposedly love as an equal that way. It is demeaning, confusing, damaging, and frightening to be on the receiving end of the silent treatment. In fact, that behavior is one of the four cornerstones of an unhealthy relationship.
Break up with her kindly. Work on yourself. This relationship is toxic and a large part of that toxicity comes from the way you're treating this woman.
posted by sockermom at 9:00 AM on October 29, 2014 [10 favorites]
Stonewalling - refusing to talk to your girlfriend for a week because she told you something honest that you didn't want to hear (although you did ask about) - is punishment. It is not appropriate to treat someone you supposedly love as an equal that way. It is demeaning, confusing, damaging, and frightening to be on the receiving end of the silent treatment. In fact, that behavior is one of the four cornerstones of an unhealthy relationship.
Break up with her kindly. Work on yourself. This relationship is toxic and a large part of that toxicity comes from the way you're treating this woman.
posted by sockermom at 9:00 AM on October 29, 2014 [10 favorites]
I was with a guy for six years and I still care about him in a sense that like if i run into mutual friends and they mention him I'm cool with it, or that we still share a netflix account or that i still wish him happy birthday but otherwise don't interact too much because we've moved on.
You sound insecure with this girlfriend and you should break up. It's really weird that she cares for a boyfriend like a child. Maybe the whole relationship had codependancy issues and shes not over it or can't let go. She seems to seek out info about him to concern herself (based on what you say).
You also seem insecure like you need to find $SOMETHINGWRONG to break up with someone. You can break up with her because your $SOMETHING is that you are not gangbusters wowie zowie wanting to marry her and that seems like the thing you are seeking now, so break up and find the person you want to marry.
posted by WeekendJen at 12:00 PM on October 29, 2014
You sound insecure with this girlfriend and you should break up. It's really weird that she cares for a boyfriend like a child. Maybe the whole relationship had codependancy issues and shes not over it or can't let go. She seems to seek out info about him to concern herself (based on what you say).
You also seem insecure like you need to find $SOMETHINGWRONG to break up with someone. You can break up with her because your $SOMETHING is that you are not gangbusters wowie zowie wanting to marry her and that seems like the thing you are seeking now, so break up and find the person you want to marry.
posted by WeekendJen at 12:00 PM on October 29, 2014
I got resented over this thinking that she might not still be over her ex so I did not talk to her for a week.
YOU are the one who is letting her ex interfere with your current relationship.
even if I had friends who insisted about talking about my exes I would cut my relationship with them simply because I don't want the past to interfere with my current relationship
The idea that even hearing a friend talk about one of your exes would interfere in some way with your relationship -- I don't know what to say. I live in a medium sized city and this level of chopping people out of your life would quickly leave you with very few friends. I don't know anyone who deals with exes in this manner.
I think your girlfriend must like you quite a lot to not have dumped you for your bad behavior and immaturity so far.
posted by yohko at 12:41 PM on October 29, 2014 [3 favorites]
YOU are the one who is letting her ex interfere with your current relationship.
even if I had friends who insisted about talking about my exes I would cut my relationship with them simply because I don't want the past to interfere with my current relationship
The idea that even hearing a friend talk about one of your exes would interfere in some way with your relationship -- I don't know what to say. I live in a medium sized city and this level of chopping people out of your life would quickly leave you with very few friends. I don't know anyone who deals with exes in this manner.
I think your girlfriend must like you quite a lot to not have dumped you for your bad behavior and immaturity so far.
posted by yohko at 12:41 PM on October 29, 2014 [3 favorites]
I haven't read your past posts so I will answer you question as presented, but first, a short story. I have a married male friend who is 50 and got married at 40. To this day, he always talks about his past girlfriends in front of his wife, often in mixed company. She always replies along the lines of, "Oh, my sweetie was such a Casanova!" Point? He was, and is very insecure and this is how he validates his worth (i.e., the number of girls he's dated). You are being immature for letting this eat you up, but it is a bit of a red flag when someone doesn't have a filter for keeping one's mouth shut about past exes. It just isn't cool, particularly if you've clearly indicated you don't like it.
posted by teg4rvn at 1:03 PM on October 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by teg4rvn at 1:03 PM on October 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
Do you think its possible that she can love and care about her ex and love me as well at the same time
Yes, of course it is. Not every breakup is of the 'scorched earth' variety.
If you can't deal with the fact that she still feels affection for someone she was intimately involved with for six years, then break up.
But you are in your thirties. Everyone in their thirties has a past. They all have exes. If you insist on marrying a blushing virgin, you'll be looking a very long time indeed.
I feel that sometimes she mistakes me with her regular girl friend.
I think she mistakes you with someone who cares about her life and feelings.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 2:52 PM on October 29, 2014 [8 favorites]
Yes, of course it is. Not every breakup is of the 'scorched earth' variety.
If you can't deal with the fact that she still feels affection for someone she was intimately involved with for six years, then break up.
But you are in your thirties. Everyone in their thirties has a past. They all have exes. If you insist on marrying a blushing virgin, you'll be looking a very long time indeed.
I feel that sometimes she mistakes me with her regular girl friend.
I think she mistakes you with someone who cares about her life and feelings.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 2:52 PM on October 29, 2014 [8 favorites]
Best answer: This reads to me like you're jealous. And sort of like you're a little bit controlling too. The good thing is that your feelings and your thoughts are totally about you. You can do something about them, yourself. You don't have to involve your girlfriend at all. You can change your own attitudes and behaviour and make life so much easier for yourself. Sounds good, right?
The first thing to do is figure out exactly what it is you feel, and why. Saying "I don't know why I feel X when Y happens" isn't enough. Spend some time considering this. When your girlfriend talks about her ex, what are the thoughts that float through your head? What are the emotions? Perhaps you're jealous, or comparing yourself to him, or want her to focus entirely on you, etc. When you know what they are, you can start doing something about them.
I know it is unpleasant to hear that you're part of the problem, when you quite clearly just want your girlfriend to shut up about her ex. The fact that you wouldn't talk about your ex feels like quite the justification for her not talking about hers, eh? I've fallen into the same trap of thinking "well, I wouldn't ask someone about X so they shouldn't ask me about X either", but the problem lies with the fact that different people have different standards for this sort of thing. And if you're going to engage in any kind of relationship with another person, Step One is accepting that.
Talking about exes is OK behaviour. So is not talking about exes. You're both OK, but you're both coming at this situation from opposing directions. If you're going to make this work, one of you is going to have to change their behaviour. Since you can't actually stop your girlfriend doing anything, it falls to you to do something. Maybe that's deciding where your boundaries lie and making them clear to your beau (such as, "talking to me about your ex is a dealbreaker"). Maybe it's giving up on caring when your girlfriend talks about her exes. Maybe it's spending some time working on why it bothers you so much.
I think the latter option will be best for you, because people have lives before they meet you. Unless you're only going to date women who have never had relationships before, then you're going to have to deal with the fact that the women you meet will have dated other people before you. You obviously feel strongly about this, cf not talking to her for a week. Which, by the way, was not a great way to handle things. It would likely benefit you to spend some time thinking about that, too.
I guess this problem would go away if your girlfriend would do what you seem to want, which is just shut up about her ex. It doesn't seem like that's going to happen, though, and nor should it. Like I said, it's OK for her to talk about people she knows. It's OK for you to feel how you feel about that, too, but then you're back to the problem of people having existed before they met you. Your future relationships, and also this one, will be much easier for you if you accept people as they are instead of trying to mould them into who you want them to be. If you can't accept your girlfriend for who she is, then save yourself some time and move on to someone who actually is the person that you want to be in a relationship with.
For what it's worth, I would be a little weirded out to hear the sort of details about my current partner's ex that you're hearing, and that's totally my hangup. In that situation, I would let my partner know, and then take it from there. If it was important to me to not hear those details, and important to my partner to share them with me, then that would likely lead to a breakup due to incompatibility. This isn't a case of putting the milk in the cup first when making tea versus putting it in after. It's something that's really important to you. It's OK to break up over something like this.
Also, if you're sticking around just because you want to have babies soon, that's a really not OK way to treat this woman. She is not a machine for your progeny.
posted by Solomon at 4:49 PM on October 29, 2014 [3 favorites]
The first thing to do is figure out exactly what it is you feel, and why. Saying "I don't know why I feel X when Y happens" isn't enough. Spend some time considering this. When your girlfriend talks about her ex, what are the thoughts that float through your head? What are the emotions? Perhaps you're jealous, or comparing yourself to him, or want her to focus entirely on you, etc. When you know what they are, you can start doing something about them.
I know it is unpleasant to hear that you're part of the problem, when you quite clearly just want your girlfriend to shut up about her ex. The fact that you wouldn't talk about your ex feels like quite the justification for her not talking about hers, eh? I've fallen into the same trap of thinking "well, I wouldn't ask someone about X so they shouldn't ask me about X either", but the problem lies with the fact that different people have different standards for this sort of thing. And if you're going to engage in any kind of relationship with another person, Step One is accepting that.
Talking about exes is OK behaviour. So is not talking about exes. You're both OK, but you're both coming at this situation from opposing directions. If you're going to make this work, one of you is going to have to change their behaviour. Since you can't actually stop your girlfriend doing anything, it falls to you to do something. Maybe that's deciding where your boundaries lie and making them clear to your beau (such as, "talking to me about your ex is a dealbreaker"). Maybe it's giving up on caring when your girlfriend talks about her exes. Maybe it's spending some time working on why it bothers you so much.
I think the latter option will be best for you, because people have lives before they meet you. Unless you're only going to date women who have never had relationships before, then you're going to have to deal with the fact that the women you meet will have dated other people before you. You obviously feel strongly about this, cf not talking to her for a week. Which, by the way, was not a great way to handle things. It would likely benefit you to spend some time thinking about that, too.
I guess this problem would go away if your girlfriend would do what you seem to want, which is just shut up about her ex. It doesn't seem like that's going to happen, though, and nor should it. Like I said, it's OK for her to talk about people she knows. It's OK for you to feel how you feel about that, too, but then you're back to the problem of people having existed before they met you. Your future relationships, and also this one, will be much easier for you if you accept people as they are instead of trying to mould them into who you want them to be. If you can't accept your girlfriend for who she is, then save yourself some time and move on to someone who actually is the person that you want to be in a relationship with.
For what it's worth, I would be a little weirded out to hear the sort of details about my current partner's ex that you're hearing, and that's totally my hangup. In that situation, I would let my partner know, and then take it from there. If it was important to me to not hear those details, and important to my partner to share them with me, then that would likely lead to a breakup due to incompatibility. This isn't a case of putting the milk in the cup first when making tea versus putting it in after. It's something that's really important to you. It's OK to break up over something like this.
Also, if you're sticking around just because you want to have babies soon, that's a really not OK way to treat this woman. She is not a machine for your progeny.
posted by Solomon at 4:49 PM on October 29, 2014 [3 favorites]
Just because you have no interest in any of your ex's lives, that does not mean that she is abnormal or acting suspiciously because she does care about what happens in her ex's life. She is allowed to have feelings, she is allowed to have friends, she is allowed to think differently than you and act differently than you. It does not mean she is in need of correction.
At this point, you've asked six questions about this relationship since last December... and that opening question was a doozy. At that point, you were looking down on her because you didn't think she'd slept with enough people for your tastes and you were snooping through her cell phone and badgering her about personal interactions and telling us that you thought she was going to try to trap you with a pregnancy. Then she wasn't pretty enough for you. Then it became an issue of how much she cares for her ex, who was an extremely significant part of her life, and that's been the issue for several months now. She reassures you about her feelings for you, she doesn't actually seem to be doing anything suspicious like arranging meetings with him or even actually talking to him that much... and you hate that so much that you give her a week of the silent treatment because you think she's not over him.
You claim to love this woman, yet your posts here indicate no love to me, only a need to control her. You should break up with her. Barring that, she needs to break up with you as soon as possible. And in future relationships, don't use the silent treatment as a way to punish someone you claim to love. That's a terrible way to treat people.
posted by palomar at 5:37 PM on October 29, 2014 [8 favorites]
At this point, you've asked six questions about this relationship since last December... and that opening question was a doozy. At that point, you were looking down on her because you didn't think she'd slept with enough people for your tastes and you were snooping through her cell phone and badgering her about personal interactions and telling us that you thought she was going to try to trap you with a pregnancy. Then she wasn't pretty enough for you. Then it became an issue of how much she cares for her ex, who was an extremely significant part of her life, and that's been the issue for several months now. She reassures you about her feelings for you, she doesn't actually seem to be doing anything suspicious like arranging meetings with him or even actually talking to him that much... and you hate that so much that you give her a week of the silent treatment because you think she's not over him.
You claim to love this woman, yet your posts here indicate no love to me, only a need to control her. You should break up with her. Barring that, she needs to break up with you as soon as possible. And in future relationships, don't use the silent treatment as a way to punish someone you claim to love. That's a terrible way to treat people.
posted by palomar at 5:37 PM on October 29, 2014 [8 favorites]
I got resented over this thinking that she might not still be over her ex so I did not talk to her for a week.
My plan was to date for a year and decide whether to get married or not... This means I want to have my first child within the next 2 years.
Assuming you're able to make this timeline work, with this woman or anyone else, you are going to have a really Herculean amount of personal emotional work to do in the next two years if you don't want to be an abusive, unfit parent. I remember all of your previous Asks and I am astounded that you are still in this controlling, dysfunctional relationship. You are not ready to get married to anyone, you are absolutely not ready to be the father of a child. I would counsel you to break up with your girlfriend, who, yes, cares more about her ex than you will ever be comfortable with, and go work on learning how to be an emotional adult.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 3:21 PM on October 30, 2014 [10 favorites]
My plan was to date for a year and decide whether to get married or not... This means I want to have my first child within the next 2 years.
Assuming you're able to make this timeline work, with this woman or anyone else, you are going to have a really Herculean amount of personal emotional work to do in the next two years if you don't want to be an abusive, unfit parent. I remember all of your previous Asks and I am astounded that you are still in this controlling, dysfunctional relationship. You are not ready to get married to anyone, you are absolutely not ready to be the father of a child. I would counsel you to break up with your girlfriend, who, yes, cares more about her ex than you will ever be comfortable with, and go work on learning how to be an emotional adult.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 3:21 PM on October 30, 2014 [10 favorites]
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I got resented over this thinking that she might not still be over her ex so I did not talk to her for a week.
I think you're acting really immaturely.
posted by Jacqueline at 10:35 PM on October 28, 2014 [65 favorites]