Feeling like I have no love left to give

October 18, 2014 1:53 PM

I am depressed and suicidal. My husband doesn't feel loved. What can I do, when I can barely take care of myself?

We've been married for two years. Last spring I started a full-time job, so we both work. This year we've been working through some issues.

I have trouble meeting my husband's needs. Before the summer it was partly because he did not express his needs to me, so I didn't know... and he had started to resent me since I was having fun doing my hobbies, hanging out with my friends, etc, and not meeting his needs. They are reasonable needs and I want to be a good partner and be there for him. He had also said he doesn't trust me as much as he trusts his family. His family's the most important to him (which I cannot relate to since I am not close to my own family), and I knew that, but it still hurt to hear. He had also said that he wasn't sure if he loved me. I was mostly blindsided by all of this and it was devastating to hear but I'm glad because we are working on it. He is seeing a therapist and is getting a lot better at expressing his needs and emotions.

Last summer I got extremely depressed, anxious and started having suicidal ideation. I took some days off work. I am seeing a therapist. I'm coping better now, though I sometimes feel depressed and occasionally think about the end. I even saw a psychiatrist and got a prescription for 10mg of Celexa, but the thought of taking them is very scary. I've never taken drugs. Finally, I was recently diagnosed with an infectious disease, and am now facing possible treatment with possibly terrible side effects... basically my life went from OK health to having all these problems and potential complications really fast.

I don't want to fight for my life. One thing my husband and I argue about the most is probably my health. At first he was uncomfortable with my sedentaryness and tried to get me to work out and sleep and wake up at certain times, now he's encouraging me to take 5HTP and eat well and exercise hard and basically try everything natural before taking psychotropic drugs, which would be ok, but I don't have any motivation (other than him being on my case). And every argument we have makes me want to curl up into a ball and die.

Reading about chronic diseases, I read that it's common to get depressed about having the condition, and that it's more important than ever to have a good support system. My husband is trying his best, and is supportive, but overall I wouldn't say I have a good support system. In any case I don't view my future as something bright and shiny that can motivate me through my current adversity. More often than not I just want to jump ship.

I try to keep up and sometimes I have okay days even nice days. There's still anxiety and uncertainty, especially regarding my health. My husband now tells me he is not feeling loved in our relationship. It's true that I'm not excited about my marriage. I'm not excited about any relationship with anyone. But I love my husband and I want us to be happy... what can I do now to make things right?

posted by The Biggest Dreamer to Human Relations