A Hateful Mother and a Wonderful Partner
July 12, 2014 8:07 AM Subscribe
I'm in a relationship with a remarkable, beautiful, intelligent, and kind 27 year old woman who happens to have a hateful Dracula for a mother.
I’m in a relationship with a woman who is 27 years old (I will use her online pseudonym ‘Evelyn’ to refer to her) and lives at home with her parents. Our relationship is mostly online because we live a distance away from each other, but earlier in May I did fly to her area and we had an amazing time together! We connect so well I can only describe it as magical. Nobody has ever understood me or accepted me like she does.
As far as I am concerned we have a healthy relationship and I have few, if any, complaints about it, however whenever I talk to my therapist and my best friend (a former history professor) they are alarmed at her relationship with her parents, especially with her mother.
Even though we have been dating for over a year she only told her parents about me within the last 3-4 weeks. Evelyn has a really toxic relationship with her parents and she is afraid of confrontation with them, so she never told them about me because of their inevitable disapproval. The reason she still lives with them is because, even though she has a Master’s Degree, she is unable to find a job anywhere and therefore can’t afford to move out. Her dad, moreover, is terminally ill with cancer, and she doesn’t want to move out or at least far away because he will likely die soon.
When Evelyn told her mom about me her mom reacted in the way that she feared – her mom hates me and everything about me as well as everyone associated with me. Her mom hates me for reasons that are absolutely absurd! She hates me because I have acne scars, which she believes means I am a cocaine addict; she hates me because I wear silver jewellery, which she believes means I am a drug dealer; she hates me because I don’t have a degree even though I have a full-time job with benefits; she hates me because of where I live and where I was born; and she hates me for the things I am interested in. I offered to meet Evelyn’s mom in person, and I was told her mom will not talk to or meet me and wants nothing to do with anyone associated with me. She even went as far to say that she is more upset that Evelyn associates with a “low-life” like me than she is about her husband dying of cancer.
Now what shocks my best friend and my therapist is that Evelyn’s mother’s hatred of me doesn’t upset me, and, frankly, I don’t see why it should? The fact is that I receive a bombardment of hate mail on the Internet for my newspaper articles, and many, many, many people hate me for what I am interested in. Most of my extended family hates me too for various reasons. Her mother’s hatred of me isn’t as alarming to me as what my best friend and therapist think it should be.
Indeed the way I see it is if she is happy with our relationship and I am happy with our relationship than what her mother thinks or what my family thinks is irrelevant. Evelyn has said unequivocally to me that her mother’s hatred of me will not ruin our relationship, and Evelyn is fully aware her mother is a hateful Dracula, because her mother hates all her other friends too.
Once Evelyn is able to find some employment and support herself, I think our relationship will improve that much more, but my best friend thinks that her mother’s hatred of me will continue on like a fungal rot in a relationship, which I don’t understand. Again, if Evelyn and I are happy with our relationship, what difference does it make what anyone else thinks? Also, I would much rather make it through whatever difficulties our relationship might have now than throw in the towel and walk away from what I think is the best thing to have ever happened to me (my relationship with Evelyn).
Your thoughts would be appreciated.
I’m in a relationship with a woman who is 27 years old (I will use her online pseudonym ‘Evelyn’ to refer to her) and lives at home with her parents. Our relationship is mostly online because we live a distance away from each other, but earlier in May I did fly to her area and we had an amazing time together! We connect so well I can only describe it as magical. Nobody has ever understood me or accepted me like she does.
As far as I am concerned we have a healthy relationship and I have few, if any, complaints about it, however whenever I talk to my therapist and my best friend (a former history professor) they are alarmed at her relationship with her parents, especially with her mother.
Even though we have been dating for over a year she only told her parents about me within the last 3-4 weeks. Evelyn has a really toxic relationship with her parents and she is afraid of confrontation with them, so she never told them about me because of their inevitable disapproval. The reason she still lives with them is because, even though she has a Master’s Degree, she is unable to find a job anywhere and therefore can’t afford to move out. Her dad, moreover, is terminally ill with cancer, and she doesn’t want to move out or at least far away because he will likely die soon.
When Evelyn told her mom about me her mom reacted in the way that she feared – her mom hates me and everything about me as well as everyone associated with me. Her mom hates me for reasons that are absolutely absurd! She hates me because I have acne scars, which she believes means I am a cocaine addict; she hates me because I wear silver jewellery, which she believes means I am a drug dealer; she hates me because I don’t have a degree even though I have a full-time job with benefits; she hates me because of where I live and where I was born; and she hates me for the things I am interested in. I offered to meet Evelyn’s mom in person, and I was told her mom will not talk to or meet me and wants nothing to do with anyone associated with me. She even went as far to say that she is more upset that Evelyn associates with a “low-life” like me than she is about her husband dying of cancer.
Now what shocks my best friend and my therapist is that Evelyn’s mother’s hatred of me doesn’t upset me, and, frankly, I don’t see why it should? The fact is that I receive a bombardment of hate mail on the Internet for my newspaper articles, and many, many, many people hate me for what I am interested in. Most of my extended family hates me too for various reasons. Her mother’s hatred of me isn’t as alarming to me as what my best friend and therapist think it should be.
Indeed the way I see it is if she is happy with our relationship and I am happy with our relationship than what her mother thinks or what my family thinks is irrelevant. Evelyn has said unequivocally to me that her mother’s hatred of me will not ruin our relationship, and Evelyn is fully aware her mother is a hateful Dracula, because her mother hates all her other friends too.
Once Evelyn is able to find some employment and support herself, I think our relationship will improve that much more, but my best friend thinks that her mother’s hatred of me will continue on like a fungal rot in a relationship, which I don’t understand. Again, if Evelyn and I are happy with our relationship, what difference does it make what anyone else thinks? Also, I would much rather make it through whatever difficulties our relationship might have now than throw in the towel and walk away from what I think is the best thing to have ever happened to me (my relationship with Evelyn).
Your thoughts would be appreciated.
This post was deleted for the following reason: There isn't really a question here. -- LobsterMitten
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If things continue and you two do well together, then what your best friend and therapist think about this mother who dislikes you right now will be irrelevant. I would consider this a "yellow flag" at this point, where it could potentially become toxic, with Evelyn being asked to choose between you and Mom. It sounds like it hasn't gotten there yet, but it might.
Also, when Dad does pass on, Evelyn and her mother are going to most likely be even closer for quite some time, and if Mom is as controlling as you state, she could use the death to try to manipulate her daughter.
Things to think about, but not necessarily break it off with Evelyn over just yet, in my opinion.
posted by xingcat at 8:14 AM on July 12, 2014