Should I tell my newly single friend to stop posting duck-face selfies?
May 23, 2014 3:18 PM Subscribe
A nice girl in her late 30s that I know recently became single after a ten-year relationship with a guy who really didn't appreciate her.
Very early into their relationship he talked her into getting large breast implants which are essentially all you see when she walks into the room.
When they had a fight once she got drunk and told me tearfully that she was not happy about them but there was no going back.
With her ex's influence she transformed herself into something of a bimbo bombshell through exercise and the implants.
Since becoming single she's been working out more than ever and is in fantastic shape. To show off she has been posting pouty selfies on her Facebook page with her cleavage in evidence. She told me she is dating different men and sleeping around and having a ton of fun.
She asked me if one of the bikini photos she posted was too explicit and I said yes, so she took it off.
But I am embarrassed for her even with all the rest that she's been posting. Should I let her know she is not going to be proud of herself when this mid-life crisis is behind her? If so, how do I broach the subject without hurting her feelings?
Very early into their relationship he talked her into getting large breast implants which are essentially all you see when she walks into the room.
When they had a fight once she got drunk and told me tearfully that she was not happy about them but there was no going back.
With her ex's influence she transformed herself into something of a bimbo bombshell through exercise and the implants.
Since becoming single she's been working out more than ever and is in fantastic shape. To show off she has been posting pouty selfies on her Facebook page with her cleavage in evidence. She told me she is dating different men and sleeping around and having a ton of fun.
She asked me if one of the bikini photos she posted was too explicit and I said yes, so she took it off.
But I am embarrassed for her even with all the rest that she's been posting. Should I let her know she is not going to be proud of herself when this mid-life crisis is behind her? If so, how do I broach the subject without hurting her feelings?
Best answer: She asks you when she wants advice, you offer your honest opinion. That should probably be the extent of it unless you're looking to add some drama to your life.
The most you should do would be to have a conversation and check in that she's ok. If she's happy, and you say she is, butt out.
posted by brentajones at 3:26 PM on May 23, 2014
The most you should do would be to have a conversation and check in that she's ok. If she's happy, and you say she is, butt out.
posted by brentajones at 3:26 PM on May 23, 2014
Best answer: This is your embarrassment, not hers.
posted by tylerkaraszewski at 3:26 PM on May 23, 2014 [23 favorites]
posted by tylerkaraszewski at 3:26 PM on May 23, 2014 [23 favorites]
Best answer: I think you should let this work itself out. It's very difficult to distinguish between "this person is making a fool of themselves" and "I think this person is making a fool of themselves", for one thing, and for another, people often need to work through the whole "I am still attractive, I can sleep around a lot and post pouty selfies" even if they are naturally very monogamous and low key. For still another thing, honestly, when people are in the grips of foolish romantic stuff, they're going to be fools. As long as it's not destroying their financial or job security or their health, it's best just to work through it all.
If you're genuinely worried about something she is doing, I think that you can bring that up if she brings up the "so what do you think about my new habit of going home with random dudes" thing.
posted by Frowner at 3:27 PM on May 23, 2014
If you're genuinely worried about something she is doing, I think that you can bring that up if she brings up the "so what do you think about my new habit of going home with random dudes" thing.
posted by Frowner at 3:27 PM on May 23, 2014
Best answer: This is not entirely uncommon after a long relationship. She's old enough to know to use condoms, which would be the biggest concern. She'll be fine.
posted by aniola at 3:27 PM on May 23, 2014
posted by aniola at 3:27 PM on May 23, 2014
Best answer: "She told me she is...having a ton of fun."
I think that's your answer there. That and
"I am embarrassed for her"
...it's your issue. She's not hurting anybody. I can completely understand and empathise with wanting to do what you want to do here, but I can't see how any good might come of it. My knee-jerk is that the ex must have been pretty judgy and shaming and so on, and she would do well to have a maybe mildly regrettable but ultimately harmless phase of revelling in things, so to speak, rather than being judged again. Which is what any unasked-for critique here will, I'd fear, probably feel like.
posted by kmennie at 3:27 PM on May 23, 2014 [6 favorites]
I think that's your answer there. That and
"I am embarrassed for her"
...it's your issue. She's not hurting anybody. I can completely understand and empathise with wanting to do what you want to do here, but I can't see how any good might come of it. My knee-jerk is that the ex must have been pretty judgy and shaming and so on, and she would do well to have a maybe mildly regrettable but ultimately harmless phase of revelling in things, so to speak, rather than being judged again. Which is what any unasked-for critique here will, I'd fear, probably feel like.
posted by kmennie at 3:27 PM on May 23, 2014 [6 favorites]
Best answer: The "Woo Girl" selfie phenomenon is kind of a stage newly single women need to go through. My (mid-50s) mom is going through it right now (without the bikinis, thank god), and I cringe to see it, but you know, whatever, she's a person, let her have a little harmless Facebook fun.
posted by Sara C. at 3:27 PM on May 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Sara C. at 3:27 PM on May 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Am not sure it's your call to tell her. She may enjoy what some call "sleeping around" but others may say is simply having fun, experimenting, finding themselves, catching up for last time, and figuring out what they want and need and who they are. If she's having a great time - and it's irrelevant if it's she, he, or whoever - then good.
So long as she's not taking risks with STDs or unwanted pregnancy - and in her late 30s, it's a safe bet she's clued up on that - then it's cool.
You can be there for her - as a genuine friend - if she wants. But don't use terminology like "this mid-life crisis" as ... uncool, judgemental, loaded, not really true friend. Maybe - just once - say "Hi, how's it going? Come round and chill" to her, in a non-committal, non-creepy way so it's fine with her and leave it at that. She is reminded you are there, and all is good.
posted by Wordshore at 3:32 PM on May 23, 2014
So long as she's not taking risks with STDs or unwanted pregnancy - and in her late 30s, it's a safe bet she's clued up on that - then it's cool.
You can be there for her - as a genuine friend - if she wants. But don't use terminology like "this mid-life crisis" as ... uncool, judgemental, loaded, not really true friend. Maybe - just once - say "Hi, how's it going? Come round and chill" to her, in a non-committal, non-creepy way so it's fine with her and leave it at that. She is reminded you are there, and all is good.
posted by Wordshore at 3:32 PM on May 23, 2014
Response by poster: Wow, nail on the head, in minutes. Not being judgy resonates in particular - the poor girl needs some fun after a decade of being criticized. I also like the thought of her celebrating herself.
Thank you.
posted by Dragonness at 3:36 PM on May 23, 2014 [15 favorites]
Thank you.
posted by Dragonness at 3:36 PM on May 23, 2014 [15 favorites]
Best answer: FWIW: It sounds to me like she is reclaiming her sense of identity from the guy she left. That is usually healthy. Making her peace with having an awesome sexy bod and saying "Hey, it is what I wanted!" in essence is hardly the end of the world.
And when this is over, lots of folks will absolutely not care about her midlife crisis or what she did with it.
posted by Michele in California at 3:37 PM on May 23, 2014 [6 favorites]
And when this is over, lots of folks will absolutely not care about her midlife crisis or what she did with it.
posted by Michele in California at 3:37 PM on May 23, 2014 [6 favorites]
You can talk to her, as a friend, about the "duck-face" part, but leave the rest of it; as others have already said it's not yours to police.
posted by Nerd of the North at 4:46 PM on May 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Nerd of the North at 4:46 PM on May 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
For what it's worth, implants CAN be removed --- or even replaced with a smaller size, if she would prefer something between her original boobs and her current bazongas.
Also, and I know this is a bit nitpicky: calling her a 'girl' in her thirties helps confirm the impression the ex left, that she's not a real adult.... Try calling her a 'woman' and perhaps she'll start ACTING more grownup. Worth a try, anyway!
posted by easily confused at 5:25 PM on May 23, 2014 [4 favorites]
Also, and I know this is a bit nitpicky: calling her a 'girl' in her thirties helps confirm the impression the ex left, that she's not a real adult.... Try calling her a 'woman' and perhaps she'll start ACTING more grownup. Worth a try, anyway!
posted by easily confused at 5:25 PM on May 23, 2014 [4 favorites]
Good on you for wanting your friend to be happy and have some fun. As easily confused said, implants can be removed or even replaced with a smaller size -- if she has mentioned that she's not happy with them, suggest that she get a consultation about changing them! At least that way she'd know what her options are, should she decide on a change.
posted by palomar at 6:08 PM on May 23, 2014
posted by palomar at 6:08 PM on May 23, 2014
"duck-face" specific comment: compliment her on the other photos. Nice smile there. I like the way you're looking directly at the camera. That's an awesome action shot! Don't compliment the duck-faces and other less flattering pictures, but be honest when asked directly.
posted by whatzit at 2:15 AM on May 24, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by whatzit at 2:15 AM on May 24, 2014 [5 favorites]
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posted by biffa at 3:25 PM on May 23, 2014 [24 favorites]