How do I get revenge on my rapist/sexually abusive ex-boyfriend?

May 10, 2014 9:16 PM

I don't believe there is any legal action I could take at this point, not without his confession. I'm not talking anything violent. I basically want him exposed for who/what he is. Buddhism is my faith, but my need for justice is stronger than my principles lately. Is justice still within reach or is it almost pointless and I should just focus on moving on?

Yes, I know about the importance of healing, I know I can't change what happened, I am almost completely certain he has no remorse about any of it. I have been to see a counselor about this earlier in the year. (I thought just talking about it made me feel better, but after I discontinued our sessions, it seemed that just talking about it wasn't enough. I still get triggered by things, but I'm not sure what more talk therapy would do about getting triggered.) The abuse went on for a little less than a year but I didn't start remembering all these things till this January. (Abuse ended/we broke up at the beginning of November last year).

I cannot stand the fact that he is contentedly going on with his life, while I cry when I try to masturbate, can't watch most TV and movies because of the sex scenes, and have given up on the idea of having a relationship. I do believe I can get over these things in time. As of right now, a relationship is not one of my first priorities in life, my libido has always been low, and I am glad to be an avid reader again. My suffering now compared to when I first started having flashbacks has greatly decreased. But I want justice more than anything. I want the world to know - I don't want to be quiet anymore. I don't want to let him get away with it. He was sadistic and I have a strong feeling I was not the only person he has done things of this nature to. I've read a lot about how rape trials usually end up without a conviction, but even something like correcting his reputation and letting everyone know the truth would be worth it to me.

On a somewhat related note, I was able to get some sense of justice over a contract gone wrong earlier in the year. Before that, I would have just stayed quiet about it and meekly gone on my way. But I took action, spoke out, and they had some consequences they had to deal with because of it. (I don't want to go into details about this one. I am just trying to get across that it was very empowering.) After getting over the shock of the breakup with said guy, I vowed to not let people push me around anymore. And I'm really serious about it. I've been such a pushover my whole life until breaking up with him; I felt like I lacked a lot of agency previously.

So what can I do to get justice? He forcibly raped me, attempted to rape me, did sexual things to me without my consent, groped me at all chances, once inserted a weapon into my vagina without my consent, etc. (I don't like to be graphic, but I feel the weapon thing is maybe more convictable than the others?)

I have thought about writing him a letter listing all the instances in explicit detail hoping to prompt a confession (like maybe he'd call and say he got my letter, he was sorry, and I'd record the whole thing). I have thought about calling him on the phone, and trying to get him to talk about it, but I don't think he'll pick up if he sees my number (star 69?). I also intricately devised a plan to send him one letter of the word "RAPIST" in the mail each week, but I fear that could be crossing the line into harassment territory.

I have been thinking about all this every time I start remembering some of the stuff he did. I have been generating these revenge strategies over this last month. I have a feeling most of the advice I receive will point to "find peace within yourself" or "go back to counseling." I am trying - I meditate every morning and read from The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching often as my Buddhist equivalent to the Bible. Reading Buddhist thoughts on compassion/suffering/healing is one of the few things I can do to calm myself down when I feel this overwhelming urge for revenge. I don't belong to any sangha/religious community, but it is my chosen faith. Counseling - again, not sure what more talking about it will do. Upon cursory research, counseling is supposed to help "integrate the experience into your life" or help you figure out what to do when you have triggers. This is already accomplished. (I drink tea sometimes if I do not think to pick up my book at these times). There is nothing about eradicating triggers via therapy however so I don't see what's the use.

In Buddhist terms, I know I am attached to this idea of getting justice, that getting justice will alleviate my suffering. And that part of my suffering is that I believe I need to have these wrongs avenged (my ego). I just can't make myself get over the hump. Sometimes thinking about "what must have made him this way?" helps a bit, but then I think about how he is doing nothing to *not be that way* and will probably do these things again and I am back to where I started from. I just keep thinking I'd much rather get justice and find it didn't help my suffering that much than to never get any justice from this situation at all.

I feel self-conscious that I may seem a little unhinged writing about my overwhelming need for "REVENGE!!!" but as one might assume, it is really hard not to want to see justice in this scenario. My counselor had agreed that my experiences were traumatic. (And I was never formally diagnosed but I do believe I am dealing with some kind of PTSD). I am posting this because it's been a month of this revenge-fantasizing and I just can't seem to shake this. (If it is of any relevance, this all kind of started with unfortunately overhearing my roommate having sex and I had flashbacks and couldn't sleep that night. Life is now back to usual, the need for revenge is still there.) I think this is when I kind of realized that this wasn't going away and the triggers and flashbacks were beyond my control.

TLDR; Buddhist philosophy has helped me deal with my abuse, but I still feel a need for retribution. Please help me see things more clearly and/or help me find a way to get justice (or let me know if it is nigh impossible).

posted by sevenofspades to Human Relations (1 answer total)

nobody can address your question from the legal perspective without knowing the jurisdiction, its statute of limitations, the last tortious act and when you became aware of the damages (immediately would be my guess), and any factors tolling the statute (stopping the clock), such as his absence from the jurisdiction.

from the practical perspective, people like this eventually get what's coming to them, with no help from others needed.
posted by bruce at 9:29 PM on May 10, 2014